Best Friends Tell Each Other Everything

Gaby's POV

Rhys (12:32)
Can I still see you today? I’m working at the dog all day but I have my lunch break at 2 xx


Az (13:11)
Come mine?


Rhys (13:23)
Gaby?

I turned my phone over, debating what I could do with my day. I vaguely remember telling Rhys that I would talk to him today, but I was just so desperate to get him to leave I just said whatever he wanted to hear. The last thing I want to do is see him. I can’t deal with the questions and the drama. On the other hand, the thought of getting stuck with Arrow was an equally bad thought. Luke was right, he’s bad news and I shouldn’t get caught up in that mess. The amount of danger I’ve put Alicia in is terrible and he is entirely to blame.
But the thought of not being able to block out some of the thoughts in my head just made me want to see him more. Without pausing to think I replied to both of them saying I’d meet them soon. Almost instantly my phone started ringing and I answered quickly before it woke Alicia up; she was having her afternoon nap and I was sat in my room getting ready.
“Hello?” I realised now that I hadn’t even looked who was calling.
“Bring some money.” Arrow’s voice replied at the other end of the phone. I frowned.
“Excuse me?”
“You owe me, and I can’t sub you anymore. Bring money.” With that he hung up. I rolled my eyes and put my phone down on the bed next to me. It made me annoyed that Arrow thought he had some kind of power over me. I wasn’t afraid of him. He couldn’t control me no matter how hard he tried. But I felt bad. I had been using a lot of his supply and so far I hadn’t even paid a penny and I know that stuff isn’t cheap... I pulled over my purse and opened it up to find only a few single pound coins. And I knew for a fact I only had about £50 in the bank because all the bills had literally just been paid a few days earlier. For the first time in years I was officially broke and I didn’t know what I could do about it. My first thought was to ask Kris – he is Alicia’s Dad after all, he should be paying towards her living costs... But then I remembered he’s completely broke too. We all are! We’re students. Alicia gurgled behind me and I turned to see her staring at me, clearly having woken up by the phone ringing anyway.
“Oh hello sleepy girl.” I smiled at her and she smiled back. There was no way I could give all the money needed for her to Arrow. No way.


-

The flat was silent as I pushed Alicia through the door. I hadn’t really expected to bump into anybody. I assumed Lorna would be with Zak; Natalie and Rhys try to spend as little time amongst people as possible right now; Archie is usually out with some girl, and the rest (apart from Kris) are still away for Christmas. I turned around the corner and caught sight of Kris’ door opening. He stepped out, dressed unusually smart and unusually like a regular man. What happened to the Kris that used to wear high heels and skirts for a living?
“Gaby! Oh hello gorgeous!” He stuck his head down into Alicia’s pram and gave her a kiss. Then he stood up straight and looked at me. “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?” The look of concern he had on his face made me feel a little self conscious. Sure, I hadn’t been getting a lot of sleep lately but I’d hoped my make-up had covered up that fact.
“Yeah everything’s fine. You’re not busy are you?” I asked, biting my lip. It was quite obvious he was busy.
“Actually, I am.” He said frowning slightly. “Why?”
“Too busy to watch Alicia?” I asked, my voice getting higher and a hopeful smile spreading across my face. He just continued to frown at me.
“You’re just here to dump her on me?”
“Dump? Hey this is our child you’re talking about, not a stray cat!” I said defensively. I was starting to worry now. I’d already agreed to see both Rhys and Arrow and there’s no way Alicia can come with me to either of those. Not really.
“Gaby you know I love her, and you know that any regular day I would but-”
“Oh come on, please Kris, I NEED you to do this for me.” I tried to persuade him by giving the classic puppy dog eyes. He just sighed.
“Gaby, I have plans!”
“What could be more important than spending time with Alicia?!” I asked, trying to still sound light but it came out much worse.
“Said the girl desperate to get rid of her for the afternoon.” Kris shot back. I grit my teeth together.
“I am not!” There was a pause. I looked down the corridor then back at Kris who was smiling down at Alicia now. “...Is anyone else in?”
Kris looked up at me and his smile dropped slightly from his face.
“Just Lorna.” He replied hesitantly. Something in my stomach dropped and I felt my blood run cold at just the mention of her name. There is no way I am leaving Alicia with her.
“She’s here?” I asked - it came out as a snarl.
“Zak’s back at work.” Kris explained, rolling his eyes slightly. “I think she may still be asleep, though. After yesterday...”
“Yesterday?” I asked, genuinely curious.
“She was at the hospital, getting tests.” He said slowly. I noticed he carried on speaking but none of it registered in my brain. Tests? For what? Was she okay? Had something else happened? Was it anything serious? I wanted to ask all of these questions straight away and demand answers, but before I could bring myself to do it I remembered everything she’d done to me and the worry vanished. I noticed Kris had gone silent and was looking at me for a response. Only a few seconds had passed.
“Oh...” I said slowly, hoping that would be enough of an answer to whatever he’d said. I decided not to continue on the subject of Lorna.
“Kris, please-”

“-I’ll take her.” Lorna’s voice made me jump. I turned to see her walking out of her room and down the corridor towards us. Kris looked surprised.
“Oh! You’re up!” He said as Lorna began un-strapping Alicia from the pram. I felt anger pulse through my veins and moved to stop her but Kris put a restraining hand on my shoulder. Lorna hadn’t noticed any of this. She was too busy greeting Alicia.
“..Was just going to go into Chester for some shopping.” Lorna continued whatever she’d been saying. I wasn’t paying any attention. I was trying to figure out how to take Alicia away from her without causing another fight. “Alicia can come with me!” She finished, smiling at her.
My eyes narrowed. Before I could say something Kris spoke again.
“Are you well-”
“Yes Kris. As I have already told both Archie and Zak, I am perfectly fine!” Lorna said indignantly. I felt a small amount of worry again as I wondered why people were questioning her wellbeing. Then I remembered the situation and felt angry again. “And I would love to spend time with this cutie whilst you to go do... what you need to do!” She finished, smiling at Alicia again and bouncing her on her hip. Alicia was smiling along, it made me annoyed.
“No.” I snapped, speaking for the first time since Lorna appeared. I was using all my effort to stop myself from seizing Alicia from her hands and storming out of the flat. If Kris hadn’t held me back I probably would have already done that.
“What?” He said, slightly annoyed, his hand getting tighter on my shoulder. I turned and looked straight into his eyes, angry that he was evening questioning me. Surely he understands why I can’t stand Lorna right now!
“She’s not looking after her.” I snapped.
“Who’s ’she’?” Lorna mumbled back. I ignored her.
“Kris, I’m telling you. I’ll take her. She’s not spending the day with... her.” I couldn’t bring myself to look at Lorna. She snapped something back at me but I just ignored her. “Kris!”
“You are being absolutely pathetic! First you come and demand that I change my plans just so you can go out, then when Lorna offers to help out you freak out! She’s perfectly capable of looking after her!” Kris said, staring at Alicia. I opened my mouth in shock. I never demanded he change his plans. It was merely just a helpful suggestion!
“-And look at how much Alicia loves her Auntie Lorna!” Kris’ voice went all coo-ey and I could tell he was really talking to Alicia. Urgh... ‘Auntie’ Lorna. No thanks. I felt so furious. Mainly because time was running out and I really did need to be meeting Rhys now, but the last thing I wanted to do was leave Alicia with Lorna.
I didn’t know what to do.
Finally, I sighed.
“Fine.” I was so angry that I stormed out of the flat, and it wasn’t until the door closed that I realised I hadn’t even given Alicia a kiss goodbye. I think that’s the first time ever. But I didn’t want to go back in to the flat again. Not now anyway. I clenched my fist as I ran down the stairs, looking at my watch. Nearly 5 past 2. I’m late. Brilliant.

-

“I thought you weren’t going to show up.” Rhys said, standing and waiting for me outside the Dog. I nodded towards a small alcove where we could speak without being seen. I’d rather people didn’t know I’d been talking to my dick of an ex-boyfriend like everything’s fine and dandy again.
“I had issues with Alicia.” I said back bitterly. There was a small bench against the wall that I sat on. Rhys sat next to me.
“You didn’t bring her?”
“No.” I said back. There was a small silence. I noticed how cold it was. For some reason I hadn’t brought a coat out with me in the middle of winter.
“Are you okay?” Rhys asked me. I could see him watching me but I was just staring at the icy floor in front of me.
“Not really.” I said truthfully, laughing slightly. I sighed and looked at him. “Are you?” I asked, examining his face again. Why do I have to love this absolutely evil, horrible man? Why do I have to care about how he looks like he’s in so much pain with all the bruises that cover his face, and the small cut that’s on his lip? It’s all my fault.
“I’m fine.” He said, taken aback by my question. I started to shiver. It was really cold. I saw Rhys’ hand move out instinctively as though he was going to put it around me, but then he changed his mind. Good job, too. I’d have probably broken it or something, if I was strong enough.
“Look, no one’s going to be inside. The pub’s dead and you’re frozen. Come in with me?” He said, standing up. He held his hand out for me and I rolled my eyes, standing up without his aid.
“Fine. I don’t even know why I agreed to meet you.” I said angrily as I followed him inside the pub. It was a good idea. As soon as we crossed the threshold I felt the warmth flood through me.
“Do you want a drink?” Rhys asked, shrugging his jacket off.
“No.” I answered as he put it down behind the bar. His Dad was standing at the counter, flicking through a book with his pen in his hand. Rhys was right. There were only two people in the pub eating a meal on a table in the corner.
“Oh hello Gaby.” Neville smiled at me. I hadn’t seen him in a while. I wasn’t sure if he knew about the whole drama with Rhys, but then again this is Hollyoaks and I’d be super surprised if the whole village hadn’t found out by now.
“Hey. You okay?” I asked because I’m too polite not to. He shrugged and looked bitterly at Rhys.
“Been better.” He grumbled and went out into the back. I looked at Rhys who stared after his Dad and then walked over to a table that was hidden behind a pillar. I sat down and Rhys sat opposite me.
“What do you want, Rhys? I don’t feel like there’s a lot to say between us anymore. I’m pretty sure I’ve answered all your questions and I’m pretty sure you’ve answered all mine so-”
“-I just miss you.” He interrupted, not looking me in the eye. I sat up straight, my eyes narrowed.
“You miss me?” I asked quietly. “Well whose fucking fault is that?!” I snapped. He looked me in the eye seemingly unfazed by my outburst.
“You look tired.” He said slowly.
“Yeah.” I agreed. “Well, I am.”
“Has Alicia not been sleeping well?” He asked generally.
“No, she’s sleeping fine... I’m just going through quite a lot right now. Sleep is sort of hard.” I mumbled back. I wasn’t quite ready to admit that the reason for that was because for the last two or three nights I’d been high off cocaine. He nodded slowly.
“I’m so sorry.”
“I know, you’ve said. Listen, Rhys, if this is the only reason you asked me to come here then I’m just going to go. I don’t have time to be with you right now.” I started to stand up. He put a hand over mine to stop me and I snapped mine out of the way. “Don’t even touch me right now!” I said, short tempered and holding my hands up all flustered.
“I’m sorry, I just can’t have you walk out of my life.” He said sadly. I shook my head and sat back down. Why does he do this to me?
“Rhys,” I whispered, “do you have any idea what you did? How much you hurt me?”
“I do, I really do.” He said, starting to get emotional now. I just sighed. I can’t deal with this today. To be honest, I would rather he was questioning me about the cocaine.
“I think you’re just the kind of person that can never be in a relationship, Rhys.” I said slowly.
“What?”
“You haven’t ever been with someone without cheating on them or having some kind of exciting adventure! I should’ve seen this coming.” I said more to myself.
“Is that why you think I did it? For the ‘adventure’ or whatever?” Rhys said looking quite disgusted.
“Well do you have another reason? Bearing in mind that no matter what you say it will only make everything worse.” I said, my eyes narrowed.
“No, I don’t have any reason for what I did. It was horrible and I see that now... But Gaby, I was thinking about it, and remember what you said to me? That you didn’t know who you loved, me or Kris, until you lost me? Well that’s how I feel now. I always loved you more, Gabs. But when I was with Natalie it felt like I couldn’t not be with her. It wasn’t love it was an addiction. And when I lost you I lost everything. You were [/i]everything[/i] to me. You and Alicia.” He reached out for my hand again but I pulled it off the table and onto my lap. I actually felt like crying again.
I took a deep breath to steady my voice and looked him dead in the eye. It didn’t help my emotions to see tears threatening to spill out of his.
“Rhys, I can’t forgive you. I can never trust you again. And, in the words of Taylor Swift, we are never getting back together. Like, ever.” I paused. “But I agree with you, okay. Not right now, probably not any time very soon, but one day I want us to be friends. Of course I do. You’ve been too big a part in my life for me to just never speak to you again. And, well, you may as well be Alicia’s Dad... But don’t tell Kris I said that!”
He smiled and I couldn’t help but smile for a second too. Foolish little old me.
“I really am sorry.” He said, and I believed him. Don’t ask me why because I know if anyone else saw me talking to him now they’d think I was crazy. They’d question why I was talking to this absolutely foul person.
“I know.” I said sadly and stood up. The conversation was over. I needed to leave. He walked with me back around to the bar where Neville was leaning over and concentrating on writing on a large blackboard.
“What’s that?” Rhys asked and I stopped with him because I was curious myself. Neville stopped writing and looked up at us.
“I’m advertising for new bar staff. Mercedes has quit and when me and your mother go on holiday you’ll be the only person that can work the bar and I doubt you want to be working all day every day on your own.” He said stressfully. I peered over at the blackboard.
“What kind of hours?” I asked. Neville’s head shot up excitedly.
“Any hours that you could work around.” He said quickly. I hadn’t even said I wanted the job. He must be pretty desperate.
“Gaby doesn’t want to work here.” Rhys said, confused. He looked at me. “Do you?”
I shrugged, thinking about it. I technically have a job at Evissa where I’m currently on maternity leave, but that’s giving me so little money and I have lots to pay for. I’m seriously broke.
“I really need the money.” I said to Rhys. He raised his eyebrows.
“What about your sister?”
“She stopped giving me money when she bought me the flat.” I said sadly. A few thousand pounds and a young child only gets you so many months – five to be precise. Neville cleared his throat to get my attention. I looked at him.
“Have you got any bar experience?” He asked me, looking hopeful.
“Um, actually yeah. I grew up in two pubs, and worked for my uncle in another before I came to uni so...” I shrugged again.
“When can you start?” He seemed so thrilled at my offer I think he forgot what you’re supposed to do when hiring a new member of staff.
“Dad!”
“What? We know Gaby. She’s reliable and trustworthy. I don’t need to interview her. It’s perfect!” He said happily. I smiled.
“Well I’m not back at uni for a couple of weeks so I’m fine to do any hours you want right now.”
“Perfect, how about you have a trial day tomorrow?” Neville asked smiling.
“Yeah, sure.”
“Excellent. I’ll have Rhys show you where everything goes and how to work things. It’ll be perfect for you two, help sort things out.” He looked at both of us, smiled and walked away. I looked at Rhys as though I’d just been hit with a wave of realisation. Me and Rhys would be working together. Oh that was clever of me!
“Right.” I said slowly. Rhys gave me a confused look. “Well, I suppose I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said, not excitedly at all.
“Yeah.” He mumbled, still confused.
“Text me when you want me to come in. I’ll need to find someone to watch Alicia.” I said, moving towards the door. I took a step before remembering how cold it is outside and shivering subconsciously. I heard a rustle behind me and then got hit in the face by something big and soft.
“Take that, you’ll freeze otherwise.” Rhys said. I could smell him. I looked at what he’d thrown at me and it was his jacket. I held it in my hands for a second and then looked at him and smiled.
“Thanks.” I mumbled, turning around and shrugging on the jacket as I left. I felt so comfortable. It was wrong.

-

It wasn’t until I’d already set off walking in the direction of Chester that I realised I had absolutely no idea where I was going. Arrow had never told me where he lived. All that I knew was he had been old friends with Luke and I assumed he lived near him. I had first met him in the CSU after all. Snow was starting to fall again, and sticking on that which was left behind from new years. I felt thankful that Rhys had given me a jacket. I really don’t understand how I hadn’t noticed how freezing cold it was until I saw him. Was it nerves? Probably not. I’m not nervous around Rhys and I never have been. It was probably stress after the whole dilemma with Lorna and Alicia.
When I reached Chester city centre about half an hour later, I paused unsure of where I was going next. I didn’t know if I should turn back and head for the backstreets, because that’s where I assumed Arrow would live, or head towards the university halls. Now that I thought about it, I wasn’t actually sure if Arrow was a student or not. I assumed he wasn’t, but then I didn’t understand why he would have moved here along with Luke when I knew for a fact that Luke was from somewhere down south. I decided I should ring.
“Where are you?” His voice sounded rough when he answered the phone, and he seemed thoroughly annoyed that I’d kept him waiting. Good.
“Well I have no idea where you live so you can’t expect me to have reached yours yet.” I snapped back, walking aimlessly under a bridge and towards the high street.
“I live near the centre, I’ll meet you at the corner of Cross Street near River Island.” He said and he hung up again. I felt irritated by how short his phone conversations were. It was almost the same as this morning. He didn’t even wait for a response.
I was just stuffing my phone back into my bag when I heard someone call my name. The familiar Irish lingo made me stop in my tracks.
“What are you doing here?” Kris was walking towards me, a confused look on his face. I stared at him for a second completely unsure of what I should do. I wasn’t expecting to bump in to anyone, especially not Kris, in Chester. Most people choose to go to the massive shopping complex instead. If I was going to see anyone I assumed it would be somebody from the Chester campus, not Kris!
“Oh, er..” I paused, not sure what to say.
“What are you wearing? Whose is that?” Kris pulled at the arm of Rhys’ jacket and I realised now how out of place it must look on me. Overlarge, dark green and baggy, with me in knitted tights, a skirt and a dark vest top.
“This, it’s..” I stopped again, really not sure how I should answer. I decided that there was no point in lying. Kris would know either way. “Well, it’s Rhys’...”
He raised his eyebrows and looked me up and down again.
“Why are you wearing his jacket?” He asked, looking slightly concerned. I shrugged at him, not really sure what I should say.
“I was cold. I didn’t have anything else to wear.” That was totally the truth.
“You couldn’t wear one of your own jackets?” Kris was smirking this time. I realised I didn’t really have to answer this question so I decided to change the subject before I said something really stupid.
“Where are you off to? I never asked before.” I once again noticed his unusually smart clothing. It wasn’t business smart. It was casual for a regular guy, but Kris wasn’t a regular guy! He had a nice, chequered button up shirt on and dark brown trouser-jeans on. It actually looked good on him, not that I’d ever tell him that. Don’t want to boost his ego too much.
“I’m just meeting a friend.” He looked at the floor. There was something about the way he was acting that made me instantly think that this wasn’t just a casual meeting.
“Wait-” I was about to ask the all important question when, for the second time today, I heard Lorna’s voice from behind me.

“Hey guys! What are you doing here?” She walked over, Alicia in front of her and about 5 bags of shopping on the handles.
“Oh hi Lorna.” Kris smiled and looked in on Alicia. I peered over too and noticed she was sound asleep. That was good, I suppose. She didn’t get a lot of sleep earlier after waking up when Arrow rang me.
“We were just on our way back to halls.” Lorna said, looking at Alicia smugly. “I guess neither of you are finished then?”
“No, sorry.” Kris said, looking at me cautiously. I couldn’t help but glare at him. The last person I wanted to look after Alicia was Lorna, and here she was ready to give her back to me and I had to go and meet Arrow.
“Me neither.” I admitted through gritted teeth.
“That’s fine, we’ll go back and play some fun games.” Lorna said happily. “Just text me when you want her back.” She directed at me. I looked away from her and towards Kris.
“When will you be home?” I asked desperately.
“Not late, why?”
“Can you bring Alicia back to mine when you are?” I asked, still refusing to look at Lorna. He glanced between me and her and then nodded.
“Sure.”
“Okay well we better go or we’ll miss the bus.” Lorna said stiffly, already pushing Alicia away from me. I moved a little bit so I could still see her but Lorna got in the way as she walked towards the bus stop. I felt tears stinging my eyes. That’s the second time today I haven’t been able to say goodbye to my own daughter.
“Gabs, don’t get upset. She’s fine with Lorna.” Kris put a reassuring arm on my shoulder. I shook my head and looked straight up at him.
“You don’t understand, Kris! You stand there and look at me like I am totally in the wrong, but she has been the worst person on earth to me! And now you’re expecting me to be fine with her looking after my baby girl? It’s been, like, not even a week since I found out what she did and already people are acting like I should just forgive her! I don’t ever want to forgive her!” I wiped the tears out of my eyes and took a deep breath. “Do I look a mess? Tell the truth.” I said looking at him with a straight face.
“You look beautiful.” He said, smiling at me and probably my little tantrum. I rolled my eyes.
“So, this friend...” I started but he looked shifty again.
“Yeah I’m late.” He said pointedly.
“Me too!” I suddenly thought of Arrow. He’d probably been waiting for me for quite some time now and I was still on the other side of the centre.
“I’ll see you later, though, yeah?” Kris said, putting his arms around me. It was a big hug. Uncharacteristically big.
“Yeah. Bye.” I hugged him back for a second and then took off in the opposite direction to where he was going. I turned back after a few seconds to see him darting towards the shops. My heart was beating a little faster than normal. I think it might have been because I was absolutely certain Kris was going to meet another woman, and I wasn’t happy about it.

-

Arrow’s flat only had one word to describe it – gross.
It was small, probably only the size of my front room. He had a dark green, holey sofa in the corner; a microwave on top of a table and a kettle next to it. There was a tiny mini fridge, that I assumed was only really there for alcohol, and a tv that looked like it was 20 years old. Off to the side was a tiny bedroom that could literally only just fit a double bed in and a door which I assumed led to a bathroom.
“Nice...” I said slowly, making it perfectly clear that this place was not nice. Arrow turned and raised his eyebrows at me.
“I’m not rich like you.”
“Believe me, I wish I was rich.” I said bitterly, putting my bag on the sofa and sitting awkwardly on the left. I was glad, again, that Rhys had left me his jacket. It was freezing in here. “How can you live here?” I asked seriously. It didn’t seem healthy in the slightest.
“I have no other choice.” Arrow said, sitting next to me. I raised my eyebrows.
“Let’s be serious though, you do.” I said, he looked at me to carry on. “Well, you could give up that for one thing.” I pointed towards the weed he’d just pulled out of his pocket. He laughed.
“Yeah, sure.” He shook his head and continued to laugh.
“You’d save money, probably live a happier life.” I shrugged, sitting back on the sofa. He was almost finished making me a spliff.
“You’re paying me for this by the way.” Arrow said as he lit it and past it to me. I took a deep drag, feeling the pain in my chest and embracing it before exhaling.
“I know. How much though? I’m pretty much broke myself right now.” I said, and continued to breathe in the poison. My head started to spin instantly.
“Ten?” He suggested. I raised my eyebrows, expecting him to say more. I looked around the flat, preparing to say I’d give him more just so he can survive, but then I thought of Alicia and decided she needed it more than him.
“That’s fine.” I answered. He was smoking his now too, and he stared at me.
“So, you first did this when you were 15?” He asked me, eyebrows slightly raised. I narrowed my eyes.
“When did I tell you that?”
“Last night.” He smirked at me. Why does cocaine give me such bad memory loss?
“Well yeah, I did. Actually, I was very nearly 16..” I said laughing slightly. Smoking weed is better than drinking alcohol. It got to my head so fast, I was on an instant high.
“You’re going to start giggling, aren’t you?” He had nearly finished his joint and I had pretty much finished mine. I fell back against the sofa, feeling free. My eyes couldn’t focus, but that was fine. I was enjoying the sensation. Arrow fell back with me and I turned to him.
“Why do you have a dying flower on your face?” I blurted out. He looked slightly taken aback.
“You must have been staring at me a lot if you recognised what it was.” He said, not answering the question.
“I thought it was just spikes at first...”
“Most people do.” He said leaning forwards to put out the end of his joint and taking mine out of my fingers. The warmth of his hand lingered and I realised he had hold of mine.
“It’s to remind me of the roughest time of my life.” His voice was deep and scratchy, I stared into his bloodshot eyes, trying to make sense of what he was saying.
“This isn’t the roughest time of your life?” I asked, not meaning for it to come out quite as rude as it did. But seriously, this guy is constantly on drugs, he lives in a gross apartment and is seeking company with... well, me.
“No.” He laughed and shook his head. Before I had time to ask another question his grip on my hand tightened and he was kissing me. I wasn’t sure what to do. I’d already let this happen countless times, but the last few I hadn’t remembered it. Was I going to forget this time? Probably not. I’d hardly had anything. My head was actually already beginning to clear.
I pulled away.
“You aren’t going to tell me more?”
“We don’t discuss our pasts, okay?” He answered roughly. He pulled me back towards him and kissed me again. His other hand gripped behind my shoulder hard, too tight, it hurt. I liked it.
The thought of the grotty small flat escaped my mind. The thought of absolutely everything left – except for this moment, being here right now and free.

-

There was a brief knock on my front door. I was lying, curled up, on my bed. The room was dimly lit by the lamp on my bedside table. It must have only been about 7 o clock and I’d got back from a pretty horrific time at Arrow’s about an hour ago. I wiped the tears out of my eyes and pulled my phone out of my pocket and text Kris saying to come in. I could not be bothered moving. My back was sore and I had an unexplainable pain in my side which I assumed would probably turn into a bruise.
Not long after the text had sent I heard my bedroom door open behind me. I rolled over to see Kris standing in the doorway, still dressed the same as earlier.
“Hey, you okay?” He whispered, coming further inside. I nodded and looked around him to try and see Alicia.
“Where’s Alicia?” I asked, louder than he was talking. My voice cracked slightly but Kris didn’t notice. He smiled and looked behind him.
“She fell asleep. I thought I might be able to just put her straight into bed.” He said. I just nodded. It wasn’t really ideal. She wasn’t in her pyjamas and she hadn’t had her nappy done. I was sure she’d have been fed (as much as I hate to admit it, Lorna would never have let her go hungry), but I knew I’d still have to wake her up eventually so I could get her to settle down properly. I just couldn’t be bothered doing it right now. Kris left the room and returned a minute later with a sleeping Alicia in his arms. He settled her down quickly in her cot, set her teddy close to her face, gave her a kiss and then looked back at me. I was surprised he’d actually managed the transfer without waking her up. Good job.
“What’s up?” He asked, kneeling on the bed. I shuffled over so he could sit with me. He lay down and I sighed and lay next to him.
“Nothing. Well, nothing new.” I said yawning, hoping to cover up my lie. It seemed to work. Kris put an arm around me and sighed.
“I’m sorry.”
“What for?”
“Not understanding better. Everything with Lorna and Rhys and Natalie...” He trailed off. I started playing with my fingers to distract myself. I didn’t feel like getting frustrated with Kris right now.
“It’s fine.” I said slowly. I caught sight of my wrist. The bruise from Christmas was still there, faded but noticeable to me. It feels like so long ago that happened. How had so much happened in less than 2 weeks? It didn’t seem possible.
“So, who was she?” I asked, not really wanting to know, but I couldn’t deal with the horrible thoughts and memories going on in my head. I felt Kris stiffen slightly by my side.
“Who was who?”
“The girl you met up with today? I assumed you were on a date.” I said trying not to sound too interested. “Who was she?” I pushed when he didn’t answer. There was a silence only filled by Alicia’s heavy breathing.
“Don’t freak out, okay?” Kris mumbled next to me. I turned my head towards him, slightly confused.
“I won’t...” I said slowly, looking back at my fingers. I felt the beating of my heart increase. Was I nervous? I couldn’t tell.
“I was on a date..” He started, but I cut him off. My fingers clenched together.
“I knew it! Who is she?” I couldn’t tell if I was angry or trying to be happy. It wasn’t a nice feeling either way. I looked back at Kris who was sat awkwardly, staring to the side.
“Well...” He was being super slow.
“Well what?” I urged again. Sitting up so I could talk to him properly. He sat up too.
“You promise you won’t freak?” He looked me dead in the eye. I was starting to worry now. If I was likely to freak out about this who the hell could she be?!
“I promise, Kris. Unless it’s somebody I absolutely despise, but I doubt it because I love you and you would never choose an idiot.” I shrugged. He raised his eyebrows slightly and then shook his head.
“You love me.” He mocked, smirking at me.
“Shut up. I knew you’d pick up on that part. Now tell me!” I demanded, grabbing his arm. He sighed again.
“Okay, well.. She – it wasn’t a she.”
I dropped his arm in shock. I was so sure I’d heard him wrong, I tried to figure out any other way that what he said could make sense but there was no other way.
She wasn’t a she.
Oh crap.
“Oh...” I said slowly. I got a flashback to over a year ago, when I first found out about Kris from that Michaela. I told him it made no difference. He was so upset that I cared. I still don’t care. Kris is who he is, regardless of who he loves. I’d been silent for a while, and I was worried he might be deciding that I was a liar all those months ago.
I smiled at him. “Oh Kris why would you think I’d freak out about that?” It came out sounding SO fake.
“Seriously?” He rolled his eyes. “I know you so well, I saw your little freak out right there!” He pointed to my eyes and I laughed.
“It was more of a.. an understanding?” I said, shrugging slightly. “No, seriously Kris, I don’t care who you date. As long as he is lovely and makes you happy?” I couldn’t look him in the eyes so instead I stared down at both of our knees. It is ridiculously unfair of me to feel jealous that Kris is in a relationship.
“I am happy.” He said and my heart jumped a little bit. I took a deep breath and looked at him.
“Good.” I said, smiling. I put my arms up for a hug and he gripped me hard, giving me a big hug like he did earlier. I could feel that he was happy, he didn’t even have to tell me. I had to pull away after a couple of seconds as my back was starting to get worse.
“So tell me all about him. Who is he? How’d you guys meet? How long’s it been going on?” I asked, trying to think how long it could possibly have been. I’m sure it wasn’t long ago that Kris was totally obsessed with me.
“Not long at all, and you’re the first one to know so can we keep it between us? Just for now?” He asked me. I smiled and nodded.
“Do I at least get to hear a name?”
“...Karl.”
“Karl, eh?” I said smiling. Kris was giving me a look like he was waiting for something. “What’s he like, Ka – wait, not Karl my neighbour?” I said, laughing as I expected it to be just a funny coincidence. Kris pressed his lips together in a hard line. I gasped absolutely more than shocked as the realisation set in.
“No way Kris!! He’s GAY?! How did I not know that?!” I pretty much shouted. Alicia started whining next to me and I bit my lip and jumped up to grab her.
Kris was laughing at my reaction.
“Gaby, shut up your walls are thin.”
“He’s like 5 walls away!” I muttered, pointing in the direction of his flat. I still couldn’t believe it.
“No way, this is ridiculously unbelievable. How?!” I asked, sitting on the bed with Alicia resting between my legs. I was facing Kris who had moved back as close as he could to the wall after I started asking so many questions.
“I don’t even know. I bumped into him about a month ago in town and we’ve just got close... I didn’t know he was gay either!” Kris said, smiling at me. Oh God, he’s actually really happy. How had I not noticed any of this? Had I been so totally wrapped up in my own, horrific world, that I hadn’t even noticed Kris’ life had completely changed too? It made sense a little bit. He had been round here a lot less. He wasn’t texting or calling me 24/7.. I just thought he was giving me space. In reality he’d just... moved on, I guess.
“That’s sweet.” I said, and I actually meant it. Of course there was a part of me that felt completely depressed at the thought of not having Kris love me anymore. I wasn’t sure if it was my heart or my head that he was hurting, but there was definitely some form of pain. But underneath that I was happy. Me and Kris were never going to be together. We probably wouldn’t even still be very good friends if it wasn’t for Alicia. So I’m happy for him.
“Don’t think you’re going to get rid of me now.” He said, jokingly pushing at my arm. I smiled at him.
“Darn, I thought I’d finally done it.” I said, playing along. He put his arm around me, careful of Alicia, and kissed my head.
“I love you too, by the way. But I think we’re both finally on the same page.” He said quietly. It was a response to what I’d said earlier. I nodded and rested my head against his shoulder.
“Promise you’ll still be here for us? We’re your family you know. Well, Alicia is.” I said, taking one arm off Alicia and wrapping it around his waist. His grip around me tightened.
“I promise. I will always be here for you. Both of you! Anyway, stop acting like this relationship is serious already. It’s literally only been like 3 dates.” He said laughing and letting go of me. I looked down at Alicia and saw she’d fallen asleep on me again so stood up to put her back in the cot.
“How old is Karl anyway?” I asked curiously as I covered Alicia in a blanket.
“Just 23.” Kris answered almost instantly. I turned to him, mouth wide.
“No way! He’s younger than Zak? I thought he was about 30!” I said shocked. No wonder he always seemed to make chat with me, we're closer in age than I thought! He probably just wanted a friend to hang out with or something. “Don’t tell him that!” I added.
Kris laughed, “I won’t.”
I sat back on the bed next to him. He sighed and looked at me.
“I was so sure you’d be upset about this.”
“I’m not. I’m really happy for you.” I said back. “I mean, obviously it’ll be depressing to be second best to Karl but I can live with it.” I said, jokingly. He rolled his eyes at me and held onto my shoulder.
“You will always be the most important person, bar Alicia, in my life. You’re the mother of my child!” He said insistently.
“Oh, okay then!” I said acting like I was giving him permission for his new relationship. I lay back down on the bed and he lay with me, putting his arm around my shoulder. I rested my head against him and sighed.
“So, now can you tell me everything?” I wanted him to distract me. I needed him to take everything in the world off of my mind.
He paused, “First, you tell me what you were up to today.”
My stomach tightened. I was so glad that I was lying with my head on his chest so he couldn’t see the look of pain that flashed through my eyes. I couldn’t tell him the truth. There was just no way.
“Promise me that you won’t get mad?” I started. I felt how strained my voice was.
“Okay...”
“I went to see Rhys this morning.” I muttered quietly. I felt Kris sigh and shake his head.
“You’re such an idiot. Why?”
“Thanks for that.” I said stiffly. “I don’t call you an idiot for seeing Lorna, or even Natalie if you still see her – but don’t tell me if you do because I can’t deal with a confession like that right now.”
Kris laughed at me, “I don’t. And I only see Lorna because she’s pretty much my only friend other than you.”
“And Karl.” I added, smirking.
“And Karl.” He agreed, laughing and giving me a squeeze. I still can’t get over the fact Kris has a boyfriend. Especially with it being my neighbour, who I know but really I don’t. I speak to him every now and then and that’s just because he always has his door wide open so I can’t escape.
The conversation seemed to have fizzled out. There was a long silence.
“Can you have Alicia tomorrow?” I asked, not really expecting a yes. I was actually feeling prepared to ask him to give her to Lorna again. As much as it pained me to say it she really is the best person after Rhys and Kris. She knows her so well.
“Yes. Why?”
“You’ll never guess.” I said, laughing to myself. “Actually, you’ll probably be mad at me again for this.”
“I’m confused.” He mumbled sounding worried.
“I got a job.”
“Why would I be mad about that? That’s great!” He seemed pretty happy for me. I bit my lip before I continued.
“At the Dog…” I finished. He froze.
“Oh.” He said slowly. There was a long silence. “Why? That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done. You do realise you’ll be working with Rhys? You’ll have to see him every time you’re working. He’ll work his way back into your life, Gabs.”
The word ‘work’ was starting to sound wrong he said it so many times.
“I won’t let him.” I said adamantly. I felt, rather than saw, his eyebrows raise. The tone of his voice had completely changed.
“Don’t you remember what he did to you?” He said, almost disgustedly.
“Yes, Kris, but I’m broke and unless you start paying towards Alicia’s costs then I seriously have to take this job – and I can’t ask you to do that because you’re already in so much debt and all of my university stuff has already been paid for by my rich sister so…”
“Gaby I can help!”
“No you can’t. Being a radio dj once a week doesn’t give you a lot of dough, now just leave it. It needs to be done, okay?” I snapped. I heard him take a deep breath like he was going to continue arguing but then he changed his mind.
“Alright. But if you ever need anything, please just ask. I can easily give up going out for Alicia. She’s worth it.” He smiled and gave me a squeeze again.
“I agree.” I said smiling. “Right, now tell me all about you and Karl please!”
“Wait you never told me why you were in Chester!”
“Oh, no real reason. Just met up with Ella.” I lied. It was a long shot. Even though Kris wasn’t looking at me I could absolutely tell he didn’t believe me just by the way he was holding me.
“No you didn’t, I saw Ella and she said she hadn’t seen you for a while.” He said slowly. I wasn’t sure if this was the truth or not by my heart beat quickened.
“Oh yeah I know, she wasn’t in so I saw Ben instead.” I tried to cover up. This lie was total crap and Kris knew it. He was quiet for a long time and his breathing was a little deeper than usual. After a minute he sighed.
“Okay, well…” He paused. Then it was as though he realised I was never going to tell him the truth and he decided not to bother asking. He sighed again and then spoke.
“We went on our first date just before we went to Blackpool…”
I smiled, perfectly happy to listen to this ooey gooey story rather than focus on my own thoughts of how this day turned out.

Lorna's POV


“Next please” I sang happily. I’m back at work! After over 3 months off I have returned!
“Can I have a banana rama, 2 berry blasts and a vanilla blueberry smoothie please”
“Of course.” I said. “Are you sitting in or taking away?”
“Sitting in” The guy said gesturing to his friends who were sat at one of the tables.
“Okay, that’ll be” I said as I pushed all the buttons on the till and praying I didn’t mess up. “9.95 please”
“There you go” He said, handing me a tenner. The till popped open and I handed him back his 5p change which he just put in the charity box.
“I’ll bring them over to you” I replied cheerfully. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy to be at work.
“Do you want a hand?” A man asked as he joined me behind the counter. I jumped. I had forgotten that Steph had told me that Adam would be in later. He was just “running late”.
“Please” I said. “One banana rama, one vanilla blueberry and 2 berry blasts, which one do you want to do?”
“I’ll do the banana rama and the other one and you can do the berry blasts?” He asked, checking I was okay with that and I nodded in return.
“So how long have you been working here?” I asked, trying to start a conversation, as I started measuring the amount of blueberries I was putting into the blender.
“I started in the middle of November” Adam explained. “Steph was desperate then because you were in the hospital and her sister in law, what’s her face, decided to quit on her”
I don’t know if I like the fact Steph told them I was in the hospital.
“Cindy doesn’t work here anymore?!” I asked, my eyes lighting up.
“You don’t need to seem too happy about it” He smirked. Oops. “We’re going to need more strawberries” Adam announced, stretching up to bring another box down off of the shelf. It was then when I properly looked at him. Oh my god; his arms, his broad shoulders, his chest. I had to turn away before I started giggling like a little girl. Oh my …
“Thanks” I said, as he sat the strawberries down on the work surface. I started to count out how many strawberries I needed remembering that I had to double up the measures before throwing it into the blender and adding some cranberry juice. I smiled, proud of myself as I put the lid on and started the blender.
“You look far too happy to be here” He laughed as he lazily did the same.
“I’ve missed it!” I laughed awkwardly.
“Aw!” He said patronisingly.
“Don’t be mean!” I sulked.
“Do you know if Steph’s back in today?” He asked as we both stopped our smoothie makers in unison. I picked the blender up and started to pour it into the two cups that I had already set out.
“She said she’d come back round later to check on me” I said.
“Is she bringing my little buddy?” He asked curiously as he placed the lid on top of the banana rama and quickly began the Vanilla blueberry one.
“Yes” I said. “Tom wants to see me” I said, sticking my tongue out.
“No need to be jealous that you’ve been replaced!”
“Replaced as what?!”
“He talked” he began, making it evident that this was past tense. “about you a lot when I first started. I know you two used to hang out a lot when Steph needed a break!”
“Oh and you’re that person for him now?!” I asked seriously before laughing at the fact we were debating over who Tom liked more.
“Yeah” He said smugly.
“You don’t seem the type!” I said quickly.
“Why not?” He questioned as he flicked the switched on the blender.
“All tall and muscle-y, spends a lot of time at the gym so you can go out and go after anyone who pays you the slightest bit of attention!”
“You don’t know me at all” He smiled, all sure of himself.
“What course do you do?” I asked, genuinely curious as we stood there waiting on the blender.
“Primary teaching” He said quietly, almost as though he was embarrassed, as he handed me the other smoothie which I quickly placed on a tray.
“Seriously?!” I asked. It’s hardly a popular male profession.
He nodded. “You’ve got me all wrong!” He smiled.
“Whatever.” I said as I made sure all of the smoothies were balanced properly on the tray.
“Better go give those smoothies to the customers” He said. “All this interest in me and Jack might get jealous!”
“It’s Zak actually!” I said loudly as I walked towards the customers. Why did Steph have to hire him?!

“Hello” A familiar voice said forcing me to turn around. It was Kris and Alicia. My shift had gone by quite fast and I was almost finished. It’s around 10 to 2 already and I am just about to head home – to halls! – for beans on toast. Pathetic the things you get excited about when you’re bored at work!
“Hi” I said as they got closer to the counter, “Do you want a drink or are you just here to see me?”
“Just here to see you!” Kris smiled. “We’re bored.”
“Good” I said, relieved I didn’t have to make another smoothie. I walked out from behind the counter. “Hello Cutie!” I said, as Alicia could now see me from her pram. She did not look happy which was unlike her.
“I thought we’d go for a walk to try and get someone to go to sleep” Kris said. “But it isn’t working the way I’d hoped.”
“So can she come out for a cuddle then?” I asked and Kris grudgingly responded with a nod. I lifted her out of her pram and gave her a cuddle.
“How much longer have you got left of your shift?” Kris asked.
“5 minutes” I beamed. Today’s shift hadn’t felt too bad. It worried me a little bit, coming back to work. I was scared I’d have forgotten everything. How to work the cash register? How to make the smoothies? But it was fine. Just like riding a bike.
“Can you take Alicia?” Kris asked and I laughed instantly.
“So this wasn’t just a nice friendly visit?” I sighed.
“It is for the next 5 minutes” Kris laughed awkwardly.
“I haven’t even said yes yet” I said sticking my tongue out.
“You will” Kris said confidently.
“Of course, I will” I said to Alicia. “What shall we do today munchkin?” I asked Alicia.
“Go for an afternoon nap?” Kris suggested. “Or else mummy’s not going to be happy with me!”
“Like she’ll be happy with you letting me and Alicia hang out anyway” I sighed.
“She’ll understand” Kris said.
“Right” I replied, sort of confused.
“Who’s he?” Kris asked quietly, gesturing towards Adam who was out clearing tables.
“Adam. Steph hired him to fill the Lorna void”
“Looks alright” Kris laughed. Mmmm hmmmm.
“More than alright” I smiled.
“I’ll tell Zak you said that” Kris joked.
“Do it!” I jokingly declared. “I feel like I’ve not seen him in ages. I’d love him all jealous and territorial!”
“Lorna, you saw him last night” Kris said. That was true. We all had dinner together last night – when I say all I mean me, Alicia, Archie, Zak and Kris (though he didn’t eat much as he’d gone out for a meal for lunch!) - before Archie and Zak watched some man united game and Kris took Alicia back to Gaby. So, I gave up went to my room watched a film and painted my nails and fell asleep.
“Yeah! But-” I started. Kris just laughed at me for being silly.
“Why don’t you just move in with him?” Kris asked.
“No” I snapped. I looked at my watch. “I’m going to get ready to go.” I said quickly changing the subject. I handed Alicia back to Kris and went back round behind the counter grabbing my scarf, coat and bag. I quickly took my apron off, put my scarf and my jacket on and checked the rota for tomorrow. Kris had put Alicia back in her pram by the time I was back round. I waved to Adam to say bye which caused him to walk over. I walked over and met him in the middle.
“Are you working tomorrow?” He asked.
“Yeah” I nodded.
“See you then” He said before heading back to the table he was clearing when I made my way back over to Kris he saying bye bye and that he would be back shortly.
“Where is it you’re going?”
“Aha.” He said mischievously.
“You’re not meant to keep secrets from your closest friends!” I whined pathetically which lead to him giving me a dirty look. I had said the wrong thing.
We were quiet for a good few seconds.
“Say bye to daddy” I said to Alicia, breaking the awkward silence, as I took the handles of her pram. Kris said bye and thanked me again before we made our way back to halls.

----

“Bye bye” I said, waving at Alicia as Kris put her back in her buggy. We’d been at halls for a good few hours on our own and we’d both managed to have an afternoon nap!
“Is Gaby finished now?” I asked out of curiosity.
“Just” He said, just spoken to her. And she can’t come pick her up herself?!
“How did it go?” I asked. I still can’t even process that she is working at the Dog, with him! “It can’t have been that bad. She’s going back again tomorrow.”
“Brilliant” I said sarcastically. Kris just nodded in response.
“So what are your plans for tonight?” Kris asked, obviously in an attempt to stop us talking about Rhys.
“Don’t have any” I shrugged. “You?”
“You’re not running off to see Zak?” Kris asked acting shocked.
“He’s going out for drinks with people from work” I sighed. He’d phoned me in his break earlier.
“Aw” Kris replied in a mocking way. “What will you do?”
I just rolled my eyes. I am fed up with everyone’s jokes.
“She’s going to come to a flat party with me!” Archie said, appearing at the top of the corridor.
“I am?” I asked. Not going to lie my plans were to have a TV catch up night in my bed but why not …
Archie nodded. “You are”
“Okay” I smiled, happy that they wouldn’t be able to tease me for just hanging about the flat being boring because Zak was busy.
“Kris, you coming?” Archie asked.
“Nope. I’m meeting a friend.” Kris said suspiciously.
“Same friend as yesterday?” I questioned nosily.
“Who says I met a friend yesterday?” Kris asked. I raised my eyes heavenward. I am not stupid! “Right we better go” Kris said to Alicia. “say Bye bye”
Archie and I both waved to Alicia as Kris wheeled her out of the room.
“So, when do you want me to be ready by?” I turned to ask Arch.
“10?” He shrugged, sitting on the couch and switching on the TV.
“Okay” I said, turning and heading down the hall.
“Where are you going?” Archie asked loudly so I could still hear.
“to get ready!” I replied loudly.
“Lorna, we’re not leaving for hours!” Archie sighed.
“It takes time!” I said seriously skipping down the hall into my bedroom.

This is BORING. I’d happily be alone at home in my bed with iPlayer and 4od! I don’t know anyone that’s here. All I’ve really done is follow Archie about while he talks to the millions of people that he claims are his friends.
“Lorna,” Archie began again. Here we go again with the awkward introductions that lead to no conversation … “This is Kieran, Ed and Scotty”
“Hi” I beamed and also raised my hand to wave even though I was standing next to them cause I’m cool. They each greeted me in their own way before all taking a sip of their bottles in sync.
“Wait! Zak’s Lorna?” Scotty asked. I laughed to myself. I don’t even know this guy!
“Yeah” I smiled back politely.
“Hi!” He said, more enthusiastically. “Where’s Zak?”
“Out with friends from work” I explained.
“Aw” Scotty said, sounding disappointed. I nodded along with his sadness. “I haven’t seen him in ages” He continued. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Zak mention this guy. “We haven’t been to a game in ages.”
Football Scotty! Zak’s mate that he only ever sees when he goes to Liverpool games!
“that’s your fault!” Scotty said in a jokey manner. I smiled.
“Sorry” I said innocently.
“Ask him if he wants to come to the game next weekend? Scotty said. “tell him to text me”
“Will do” I said.
“Why don’t you have a drink?” One of the guys – I think he’s Kieran – asked me. Again, another question that I’d been asked quite a few times tonight.
“Don’t feel like drinking” I shrugged. Simple answer!
“Fair enough” he said back.
“Do you want a seat?” The other guy asked, standing up off of his spot he’d managed to get on the couch.
“No, it’s fine! It’s your seat” I smiled back nicely.
“I insist” He said. I wasn’t going to argue anymore, so sat down on the end of the couch, next to this couple who were going a bit too far for the middle of a party. “My mum always told me to let old ladies and pregnant women have my seat!” Ed shrugged to his friends who all laughed.
“I’m not pregnant!” I said, trying to laugh it off!
“Right!” Ed said making it clear he didn’t believe me. The other guys – including Arch – laughed again. I sighed irritably. Archie was pissing me off. I love Arch but he’s one of these people who changes the way he is in front of certain people and I hate that. He knows fine well why I’m not drinking. I am far too sober for this!!
I looked down at my hands and started picking at my nail varnish. I couldn’t help but think that I should be pregnant right now. I should also still be young and stupid and drinking far too much like all the other people around me right now but I’m not. Not anymore.
The guys – including Arch – had now going into their own guy chat that I didn’t know how to join. The all over each other couple from beside me on the couch had eventually decided to move things to the bedroom. I watched them stumble down the corridor. She looked as though she was in such a state as she staggered down the hall, laughing and giggling with that guy. Wonder if she even knew him before tonight!
“GET IN THERE DAVE!” Ed shouted as the guys all bounced on to the couch beside me into the space they had left. It was then that I noticed her. Stood there in the corner alone, her hair a mess, looking completely spaced out. What’ve you done to yourself I thought, comparing with her to the girl that used to be one of my best friends. It was then when she noticed me. We made eye contact for seconds. I hadn’t seen her in days, maybe even more than that. She’s a mess. Such a state. She turned away from me and gulped. Had us making eye contact made her cry?! I stood up off of the couch and walked towards her. She’d noticed this and started to walk the other way down the corridor. I think she may be too drunk to realise that this isn’t the biggest of flats and that there’s really no place for her to go.
“Natalie!” I yelled after her as she stumbled through the crowded flat. “Natalie!” I tried again, despite the fact I knew she was trying to get away from me and she probably couldn’t even hear me over the music in here. She barged through the bathroom door and I followed her in. Aha! Not getting away from me that easily.
“Leave me al” she started spitefully before stopping. Her hand flew to her mouth. Her cheeks puffed out. No. Don’t. I thought to myself as Natalie fell to the floor and shoved her head in the toilet. Bleuuuurrrggghhhh.
I hate listening to people be sick. I decided to be helpful, despite the putrid smell, and started lifting her hair out of her face and holding it in position on top of her head. She looked like a pineapple. I turned round so that I was facing the door instead of the toilet. I am not the best at coping with sick. People who were in the corridor kept peeking in and laughing. As if they’ve never been in this position before! I turned to check on Natalie. She had stopped being sick now but still lay there with her head resting on the toilet seat.
“I don’t feel well” She slurred. You don’t say!
“Just sit there for a minute” I said, trying to sound gentle. “Then we’ll get you outside. Fresh air will” I stopped as she started being sick again.
“Lorna?” A familiar voice said from the toilet door.
“Oh Adam, Hi” I said. I couldn’t help but notice he looked even better in his normal clothes.
“Is your friend okay?” He asked.
“I’m not her friend!” Natalie drunkenly shouted. She sounded as though she was getting teary again as well.
Well this is embarrassing! Adam looked at me with a questioning look. I’m hardly going to be helping a complete random!
“She IS my friend!” I said. He continued to give me the same questioning stare. “Honest!” I laughed.
“We used to be friends!” Natalie said, sitting back from the toilet a bit and turning to look at Adam. She watched him for a while before speaking again. “You’re pretty!” She said lovingly. I just rolled my eyes.
“Natalie, we still are friends!” I said, very aware that Adam, my new work buddy, could hear every word of this conversation. “Are you feeling better? Do you want to go outside?”
“Why are you being so nice to me?!” She asked, making it sound like I was the biggest bitch in the world.
“Because I’m your friend and I’m trying to help you out!” I said, trying not to lose my patience with her. It’s always a struggle when people are this drunk and you are completely sober!
“We’re not friends anymore!” She repeated, pointing at me viciously.
“Natalie” Adam said, bending down beside her.
“Who are you?” She asked, very forward.
“I’m Adam” He said, with a wave.
“Hi!” She said. “You’re pretty” She told him again, the same loving look from before. “Are you cheating on Zak, AGAIN?!” Natalie cackled at me. Just what I need!
“Of course not!” I snapped. “C’mon!” I said, grabbing her arm and trying to pull her up.
“What are you doing?!” She squealed.
“Taking you home!” I said.
“Is fit Adam coming?” Natalie laughed. I looked at Adam and he laughed.
“Do you want a hand Lorna?” He asked, knowing fine well it was going to be a struggle to get Natalie back to the flat since now that she’d sat down she could barely stand up again! I grudgingly nodded.
“Wait!” I said, “I better get Archie!”
“Arch is here?!” Natalie asked, seeming sort of panic. “He doesn’t like me.” She started explaining to Adam. “I’m a horrible person.” She continued. “You, You” She stuttered before pausing and trying to formulate her sentence. “You don’t want to be my friend!”
“Shut up Natalie!” I said, as nicely as I possibly could. “Yes, Archie’s here. I left him with some of his mates from his course in the kitchen.”
“What does Archie even do?!” Natalie asked and I couldn’t help but laugh. I had eventually – after knowing him for practically a whole year – learnt the answer to this question tonight. It was some type of business course. Lots of people tonight kept asking him if he been on to check his results for his management accounts exam yet. He kept claiming he hadn’t. Then drunkenly whispered to me later that he’d aced it and didn’t want to brag.
“I’ll be back in a second” I said, more to Adam than Natalie. “I am so sorry!” I said to him as I walked past.
“It’s fine, honest” He smiled. Why is he being so nice?!!
I left the bathroom and squeezed through the crowds and found Archie in the kitchen having left those guys from earlier on the couch. He looked absolutely out of it which is strange since I had seen him a few minutes ago and he seemed fine to me then.
“I’m going home.” I said, bending down and practically shouting in his face. Why is it so loud?!
“WHY?!” He shouted back.
“Natalie’s really sick!”
“Are we speaking to her?” The words left his mouth and then he seemed to think about whether he should’ve said them. I ignored his stupid remark. He looked at me for a second and then at his watch.
“I’m gonna stay!” he said, nodding his head towards the people who he was sat with at the kitchen table. I noticed that Steven from New Years Eve was there. I smiled at him as I made eye contact and he gave me a nod.
“Okay, have a nice night! Don’t wake me when you come in!” I said, sticking my tongue out.
“Yeah, cause that’s what Arch is planning on” the guy sat next to him chipped in. Archie made some sort of comment in agreement but I knew he wasn’t and I could tell by his expression. He’s still got his hopes set on this marvellous Carly!
I made a sort of laugh sound, even though I didn’t find it funny before making my goodbyes and heading back to the bathroom. I could hear Natalie loudly yapping before I had even got to the bathroom door and that was even with all the music and chatter from the flat.
“So! Kris slept with Gaby – that’s where Alicia - the baby girl - came from! – then Gaby slept with Rhys, Rhys slept with me, I slept with Justin, Justin used to sleep with this girl named Katy – I met her like twice!” Natalie rambled. I hovered at the door just listening and trying not to laugh. “And Katy used to sleep with Zak and Zak still sleeps with Lorna all the time and Lorna slept with Kris once and that ruined everything. Then Lorna was all depressed for ages and went to Liverpool with her friends from home! And then!” Natalie stopped for breath. “Kyle-”
“Natalie!” I snapped, angrily this time as I marched into the bathroom. “Come on.” I said, grabbing her hand and yanking her on to her feet. She looked at me guiltily but I had now run out of patience. At least, she seemed to be a bit better now. No longer so wobbly. I noticed the bathroom window was open which meant that she had been getting some fresh air. Thank god.
“Where is your flat?” Adam asked. “Up or Down?”
“I’ve got her. Thanks for offering though” I said. “You can stay here.” I laughed. “She’s fine now.”
“I am!” Natalie announced looking pretty proud of her self. I raised my eyes heavenward. “And you! Fit Adam should stay here at the party and have fun!” Natalie said, pointing at him again and poking his chest pretty hard as she spoke. What is it with Drunk Natalie and pointing tonight!
“Are you sure?” Adam asked directly to me.
“Yes!” Natalie and I said at the same time, in the same tone.
“I’ll see you tomorrow!” I said. “Thanks, again”
I started to walk towards the door, dragging Natalie along behind me.
“You’ll see him tomorrow?!” Natalie asked loudly. “Where?! Can I come?!”
I didn’t bother to answer her. I just pulled her through the crowded flat and out the front door. Now to tackle the stairs …


“So, how was the party?” Kris asked as he walked up the corridor.
“Crap.” I stated. “Do you want tea or coffee?”
“Coffee please” He said, sitting down at the counter in the kitchen. “Why was it crap?”
“Well!” I began. “I just sort of followed the lovely Archie Carpenter around for hours of my life while he talked to lots of boring drunks and then I found Natalie who proceeded to be sick everywhere!” I continued. “and now” I started quietly. “she thinks we’re best friends again.” She had popped – cheerfully, don’t know what happened to her hangover – into my room this morning for a chat as though there was no big drama happening within her group. It was good, I guess, for that brief minute I forgot about the disaster that is my group of friends at the moment.
“Oh” Kris said, clearly unsure of how to react. “Sounds like a brilliant night.”
“Oh it was the best!” I laughed as my toast popped out the toaster.
“I thought you were working today” Kris said looking at his watch.
“I am” I said as though he was stupid as I pointed at my neon green top. “At 12” I finished. It was only quarter past 10. The 12 till 5 shift was always less busy therefore a whole lot more boring.
“Ahh” Kris said, understanding now.
“What are you plans for today?”
“I am going to go for a walk with my wonderful daughter” Kris said smugly. Knowing I would definitely prefer to do that than go to work.
“Jealous” I frowned, taking a bite out of my toast.
“She’ll be round in 10 minutes” He said.
“Shouldn’t you get dressed then?” I asked before continuing to munch my toast.
He nodded before hurriedly going through to his bedroom. I laughed.
There was a quick knock at the door. That annoyed me. It was Gaby. She used to live here why wouldn’t she just walk right in? I stood up, walked over
“Hi” I said carefully as Gaby stood there with Alicia’s buggy. Gaby didn’t say anything in return. We just sort of stood there in silence. I hate being like this. “Daddy” I said, deciding to address Alicia instead. “is just getting ready and we know that’ll take ages!”
“Oh” Gaby said, unsure of what else to say.
“He said you’ve got work?” I said, looking at Gaby. I hate this.
“I do and I’m going to be late if I don’t hurry up” Gaby said. Her lips closed in to a hard line and she looked at me careful, clearly thinking about something.
“Right” She bending, bending down in front of Alicia and taking her out of the pram. She gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Mummy’s going to work so you’re going to spend some time with Lorna while Daddy gets dressed. I’ll be back to pick you up as soon as I’m finished!” She said. Alicia having understood nothing smiled away like usual. Gaby gestured for me to take Alicia off of her.
“LOOOOOOOOOON!” Natalie shouted from her bedroom. “Are you coming to perv on Zac Efron for a bit before work or not?!” Oh god.
Gaby pulled Alicia back close to her quickly. “Actually, not today Alicia. Lorna would rather hang out with a whorish lying back stabbing cow than you!”
“Really?!” I shouted so loud. “Really?! I thought it was YOU who was going to WORK with the whorish lying back stabbing absolute prick!” Gaby’s jaw hardened as though she was fighting herself to bite back at me.
“He had her tricked too Gaby! Both of you! Both of you are the same! He fed you both the same lies! He told her that he was going to leave you all the time! He told her that he loved her! She’s just as much a fool as you are! But why, why is it Natalie and me who are getting the cold shoulder, the death stare but yet you’ll accept any invitation he throws your way?! Why are you so stupid?!” I knew that Kris and Archie and Natalie had all made their way out in to the hall as I screamed at Gaby. My eyes were watering. I was literally shaking with anger. “Why are YOU so fucking selfish that you can’t see that you’re not the only one Rhys has hurt through all of this?! Oh I’m Gaby wah wah wah, Rhys doesn’t love me! Wah wah wah! You’re better than him! You are so much better than him, I just wish you could see it the way everyone else does?! I am not in slightest even hinting that me and Natalie get off lightly, we deserve to be treated like shit but what I can’t understand is how you can even stand in the same place as that absolute wanker for more than a second!” I stopped to breathe and notice Alicia was staring at me. “Don’t be repeating any of these words Alicia!” I laughed harshly. “In fact, actually that’s a good point! If you continue the way you are Gaby, that’s what Alicia will be telling you in a few years. And you’ll have wasted so much fucking time in life hung up over some mentally deranged loser who’ll fuck anything with a pulse?! His sister, his friend’s mum, ANYONE! Sorry,” I turned and looked at Natalie, “but, how did you he even get either of you to sleep with him in the first place?!” I paused again for breath before letting out a heavy sigh, “I’m speaking from experience! I’ve already spent years all hurt and confused and hung up over cheating arse’s who didn’t love me. I’ve already – to use the cliché – been there, done it, got the t-shirt!” I paused for breath. “And I don’t want to sit here and watch either of you waste time hung up over a heartless douche!” I stopped. “I hate this primary school fall out we’re all in. Do you know what Archie said to me last night?” I looked around stupidly as if any of them were actually going to answer me. ““Are we allowed to talk to her”, her being Natalie. Do any of you realise how childish and pathetic that sounds?! We’re all MEANT to be adults!” I finished. I closed my eyes and breathed out in an attempt to calm down from my ridiculous tirade I seemed to have gone on. “Right, I’m going to work!” I said, marching past Gaby and out the front door.
I AM SICK OF THIS!!

I had made it to Zak’s in less than 7 minutes. My absolute rage had made me walk a whole lot faster. I hope Zak’s prepared for the rant he’s about to get. I climbed the stairs as I hurriedly found my keys. I don’t even really have time to stay I have work in about half an hour but I didn’t want to have a rant over the phone. I reached the top of the stairs and unlocked the door.
“Helloooooooooo” I sang. I usually warn him that I’m coming. He quickly walked up the corridor still in his boxers but without a shirt and put his finger to his lip and whispered sshh. “Why do I need to shush?!” I snapped not in the mood for this carry on.
He lifted his finger and pointed to the couch. My jaw fell open.
“Who the fuck is she?!” I whisper shouted. There was a partially naked blonde girl strewn across the couch in my boyfriend’s front room. Zak grabbed my hand and pulled me along to his bedroom. Well this is going to tip me over the edge!! He closed the bedroom door behind us.
“Well?!” I snapped.
“It’s Delilah” He said as if it was no big deal.
“Delilah?!” I questioned in disgust. “Who the fuck is Delilah?!”
Zak smirked. “Calm down.” He laughed.
“No I will not bloody calm down Zak!” I vented. “I come over here to vent to you about Natalie and Gaby and Rhys and then I find a fucking prostitute asleep on your couch?!?”
“She’s not a prostitute!” Zak said getting angry. “Del is just a girl from work.”
“Just a girl from work!?” I repeated.
“Yeah. She got really wasted at the work do last night and didn’t want to get a taxi on her own.”
“Didn’t want to get a taxi on her own” I repeated angrily again. I realise repeating everything he says isn’t helping any but it is in genuine disbelief! “What a line?!”
Zak laughed again. His laughing wasn’t helping any!
“Zak it’s not funny!”
“She’s a friend from work. I let her sleep on the couch”
“Let her sleep on our couch!”
“Oh, so it’s our couch now is it” He said smugly.
I violently exhaled, my temper not calming any.
“Aww look at you all jealous” He said, a huge smile appearing across his face. He put his arms round me and kissed my head softly but I just stood there in temper.
“Zaaaaaaak” A girl sang from the livingroom.
“I’ll be back in a second.” He said, kissing me on the cheek on the way past.
I could actually scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gaby's POV

The front door slammed shut and I tightened my grip on Alicia as she jumped in my arms. I rolled my eyes and looked at the three other people in the room with me; Kris, Archie and Natalie. I didn’t even know Natalie was still in Hollyoaks, but now that I’d seen her – talking to Lorna! – I started to think she’d probably been here the whole time. They’d probably been having a right old laugh about everything behind my back. I bet Kris knew as well. I stared at him now. He wasn’t looking at me but at Alicia who was starting to get worked up. The noise of the door closing had frightened her. I held her close to me and rocked her gently before breaking the silence.
“I absolutely hate it when people leave before I can argue back.” I said, rolling my eyes and walking passed Archie towards Kris. He was half dressed, his shirt still unbuttoned, jeans on perfectly fine but bare feet. My plan was to pass Alicia over to him but when I realised he wasn’t ready at all I shook my head and sat down at the counter with her on my knee. Kris nodded and started buttoning up his shirt awkwardly and Archie took a seat opposite me. I couldn’t even see Natalie but I assumed she’d stayed stood exactly where she was before.
“You alright?” Archie asked me, an uncertain look on his face.
“No – I mean, I am right aren’t I? To be angry and upset?” I waited for an answer from both Archie and Kris. They shared a quick glance but said nothing. “I mean, seriously, if I’d been walking around and acting like nothing had happened would you not all be stressing out a little bit more right now? Wait, scratch that, would Lorna not be stressing out a little bit more right now? Thinking I’d gone insane or something…” I let it trail. Kris cleared his throat and I looked up to hear his response.
“Don’t shout at me…”
“Don’t you tell me I’m wrong!” I warned him, my eyes wide. He actually seemed to recoil a little bit.
“I kind of understand what Lorna’s getting at.” He said, pulling a sock on as he spoke.
“Screw you.” I said turning away from him. Archie laughed.
“You already did.” Archie giggled and I couldn’t help but smile.
“Let me explain though.” Kris muttered, as he finished putting his socks on and pulled up a stool to sit down. His eyes flitted to something behind me. “You have absolutely every right to be angry at Lorna and to hate Natalie.”
I heard Natalie shift behind me so knew she was still in the room listening. Kris continued.
“But what I don’t understand is why you seem to be so willing to spend time with Rhys. It’s like Lorna said, he’s the one that’s done the worst stuff here. Shouldn’t he be the one you never ever want to see again?”
I paused, already knowing my response exactly.
“What’s more important, Kris? Friends or boyfriends?” I raised my eyebrows to him and he shrugged.
“Friends… I guess.” He replied vaguely.
“Right. Bros before Hoes. Sisters before Mistas.” I let it hang for a second. “I can deal with the fact Rhys cheated on me.” I said slowly. It actually hurt to say those words but I needed to keep my cool in order for this speech to work. “But I can’t deal with the fact it was with someone who was supposed to be my friend.” I turned and looked hurt towards Natalie. “Or the fact that my best friend knew about it for months.” I paused again, shifting the way I was sat because Alicia was squirming. “So yeah. I’m more upset with my supposedly best friends than I am with Rhys. He’s just a guy. You kind of expect that from them. I didn’t expect this from Lorna. Or Natalie.” I said, looking at her again. She was blinking tears out of her eyes.
“It’s been, like, 2 weeks though… And you’re working for him…” Kris said slowly.
“Yeah, I’m not sleeping with him though? He isn’t forgiven? You can go and ask him right now how much I actually even said to him yesterday if you want, because it was not a lot. I kept my distance as much as I could but you know I need the money Kris.” I said pointedly.
“Oh, so you’re not actually treating him like nothing happened?” Archie said confused. I looked at him shocked.
“Are you kidding? I hate his guts right now.” I said adamantly.
“I don’t know, I haven’t seen you since New Year’s Eve and you seemed civil then.” He shrugged. New Year’s Eve felt like so long ago. Was it really just a few days ago?
“He cornered me, I didn’t want to make a scene.” I said slowly. I saw Kris double take as he saw something flash across my face that clearly no one else did. I guess my worry showed ever so slightly. For a split second my heart dropped as I thought of New Year’s Eve and then all the other shit I’ve done since. Kris can never find out about any of that.
“I actually need to go to work.” I said, standing up with Alicia. I passed her over to Kris who seemed ready for her now. He gave me an uncertain look as I did so.
“I’ll walk with you. I’m heading into town.” Archie said, walking to his room I assume to get his coat. I gave Alicia a kiss on the cheek and Kris held on to my arm.
“Are you alright?” His concern made me smile.
“Of course not, but when am I ever alright?” I answered back. He frowned at me and I rolled my eyes. “I’ll be fine. Don’t fret.”
I turned away from him and came face to face with Natalie. She wiped a tear out of her eye and breathed heavily.
“I j-just want you to know that L-Lorna hasn’t sp-spoken to me in ages. She j-just helped me out last n-night because I was d-drunk and a mess and… I’m s-sorry. But she h-hates me as m-much as you. I th-think.” She hiccoughed and wiped her face again before walking down the corridor away from me. I turned back to Kris.
“Why do people keep giving me speeches and then running away before I can respond?”
“Because you’re terrifying and will probably attack with a vengeance?” Kris suggested.
“Oh right, yeah!” I said laughing. Archie walked around the corner and stuck his arm out for me to link with him.
“Can I escort you to work m’dear?”
“Ooh what a gentleman!” I joked as I accepted his arm. “I’ll pick Alicia up at ten past 6ish. Love you baby girl, have a good day.” I smiled at Alicia and Kris and left the flat with Archie.

-

“How’s the new year for you Archie-kins?” I asked as we turned the corner out of halls and headed towards the village. Not long ago I’d have paid someone to make sure I was never left alone with Archie, now I actually feel a little upset that we don’t see each other often enough. My grip on his arm tightened a little bit.
“Same old. You?” He flashed a smile in my direction.
“Oh, well, you know.” I said sighing. Archie shook his head dramatically at my side.
“Tough times we live in, eh?” He laughed and I laughed too.
“So… Did you really say that about Natalie yesterday? The ‘are you allowed to talk to her’ thing?” I asked, just wanting to know the answer.
“Yeah.” He laughed. “I was drunk though, but I think I still meant it.”
“Lorna’s right, this is so childish.” I said rolling my eyes. I couldn’t admit that to her or Kris, but Archie is neutral in this whole battle. He can hear my true thoughts as much as he can hear hers.
“I don’t think you’re being childish, I’d be acting the same. To be honest I’m surprised you’re talking to me seeing as I’m still friends with Lorna.”
I frowned at that. It just added to the whole childish drama.
“Even if I did fall out with you, you wouldn’t accept it. You’d still be gross Archie making fun of me no matter what.”
“I like to think I’ve matured a little bit these last few months!”
“Yeah, you have… A little bit.” I laughed as he shoved me to the side, causing me to lose my balance and slip on the icy pavement.
“Oops, sorry.” He laughed, keeping me steady.
“You will be.” I said, pretending to feel bitter about the situation. He knew I was joking – I hope. He laughed so I took it as a good sign. After that we walked for a few minutes in a comfortable silence. We turned into the village square and I saw MOBs open ahead of me with Steph clearing some tables. I worked there once, a long time ago, with Lorna. I sighed, thinking back to how easy things seemed back then compared to how things are now – which is saying something because I was such a mess this time last year. I can’t even begin to comprehend how my life seems to have crashed down so quickly.
“Do you think you and Lorna will ever be friends again?” Archie asked seriously. It was almost as though he was reading my mind. I thought for a few moments before answering.
“No.” I said, it came out bluntly. It was his turn to be quiet now. I waited for a response for a few minutes but nothing came.
“Where are you off to today?” I asked as we turned onto the lane that continued to The Dog. I assumed Archie was getting the bus so he wouldn’t be walking me the whole way.
“Meeting a mate in town later but I didn’t realise how early I was, going to have a drink here before I go. I’ll be your first customer of the day!” He smiled at me almost excited. “Now tell me, are you a sexy barmaid or a slutty barmaid?”
“Is there no other option?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.
“No.”
“Then I’ll go with sexy.” I said, nodding my head in approval. “Loads will probably disagree though.”
“You calling yourself a slut?”
“No!” I laughed, not meaning for that sentence to come out that way. “I was being modest about myself, duh!”
“I can judge for myself in a minute.”
We’d reached the entrance and Archie, being a true gentlemen, held the door open for me. Warmth flooded through my veins as I stepped over the threshold, I was so thankful to be out of that miserable weather. I thanked Archie for holding the door and glanced around the pub. It was empty except for Hannah, who was sat at the bar reading a magazine, and Rhys, who had his back to us and was wiping the bottle fridge. He turned as I walked in and then looked at the clock on the opposite wall.
“You’re early.” He said without looking me in the eye. I kind of expected that after giving him the cold shoulder all day yesterday but, whatever, he deserved it. I followed his gaze to the digital clock and frowned.
“Three minutes?” I said confused. Surely that’s a good thing! Archie laughed next to me and Hannah sighed.
“Ignore him Gaby.” She said without looking up from the magazine. I followed her advice and started shrugging my coat off. I walked around the bar and stuffed it under the counter . Before putting my bag in the same place I opened it and retrieved the jacket Rhys had let me borrow a few days earlier. I’d forgotten to bring it in yesterday and towards the end of my shift it seemed to be the only thing he could say to me that wouldn’t make me reply with a snide comment.
“Here.” I said, chucking it at him. He muttered his thanks and then turned to Archie.
“You want a drink, mate?”
“Waiting for the sexy barmaid to get started.” Archie replied, and I sensed, rather than saw, him wink. Archie and Rhys started to have a genuine conversation. I wasn’t paying attention to it, something to do with football that I couldn’t keep on track with. I forgot they weren’t enemies. Rhys has never really had any friends in Halls. I mean, I understand more now why Lorna and Natalie always seemed to hate him, but Kris didn’t like him either and Zak and Zoe thought he was creepy. Elliot just doesn’t like anyone and Cameron just doesn’t know anyone. I suppose, once again, Archie is the neutral one. He never really seemed to have an issue with Rhys and I guess he still doesn’t.
“…and when you’re done with that can you get me some ice? Gaby?”
I realised I had completely zoned out and stared at Rhys hoping to try and figure out exactly what he said without having to ask. I’m silent for a few seconds when I decide it’s a pointless task.
“What?” I asked, a gormless expression on my face. I was still crouched on the floor next to where I put my coat. His eyebrows were raised.
“I said can you pull a few pints of Fosters until it starts running normally because I just changed the barrel, and when you’re done with that can you get some ice?”
I just nod at him and stand up to grab a pint glass. Archie’s smirking at me from the other side of the bar and I frown at him as I start on the Fosters.
“What do you want?”
“Ouch, tetchy! You’re the miserable barmaid.” He said, shaking his head in shame. I glare at him for a second until he laughs again. “Okay, I’ll just have a half of Carling please and thank you.”
“Can’t believe you’re actually thinking about drinking alcohol at this time.”
“Not just thinking about it my friend, I’m doing it.” He said smiling.
“Not if I don’t serve you.”
“Like you’d refuse a willing customer on your second day!”
I had to laugh because obviously I wouldn’t. I leave the Fosters running into a glass and start on his drink, ask him for the money and wait for him to hand it over to me. As I was counting the money he eventually gave me into the till I saw him lean over the bar and lift up the lever of the Fosters… just before it overflowed out of the glass.
“Oops! Thanks.” I said, my eyes wide. That was dumb of me.
“Can I get a discount for that?” He smiled at me.
“Nice try.” I said, handing him back his 25p change and closing the till. He gave me a mocking smile and started sipping on his drink. Urgh, waaaay too early for alcohol.

-

Archie left at around quarter past 11. It was now almost two and we had only had one customer all day, including Archie.
“Oh my God why is it so dead?!” I said more to myself than Hannah, Rhys or the Chef (whose name I hadn’t learnt) who were the only other people in the room. Rhys didn’t respond. He was standing as far away from me as possible, talking to the bored chef, whilst still remaining behind the bar. Hannah was still sat at the end of the bar but she had now moved on to doing some university work on her laptop.
“Because it’s January and snowing outside.” She said, looking out the window. She was right. The snow had just started to settle, once again, on top of the frozen ground. It made me feel a little angry. I hate snow.
“You would think the cold weather would lure people in to a warm luxury pub.” I said, it was very dramatized. Rhys snorted behind me.
“Luxury?”
“Better than some of the other pubs around here.” I mumbled back, which was true. The only other pub before you reach Chester is one called The Pig’s Arms. Seriously, you don’t even have to step foot in there to know it’s awful.
Time continued to slip by more and more slowly. Eventually, Hannah stopped doing work and started having real conversations with me. It’s weird. A year I was with Rhys – it still hurt to think about it – and I had never really spent any time with Hannah. You would think, the boyfriend’s sister who is exactly my age, would end up becoming one of my best friends. I suppose she did, just with his other girlfriend, Natalie.
I had to stop thinking about the fact she was friends with Natalie because I was starting to make the conversation a little bitter and every time I did Rhys would get me to do something so I’d stop talking. I must’ve re-filled the ice bucket a million times now. It just kept melting because no one was coming in to use it.
“Here’s an idea!” I finally snapped, when he asked me the last time to fill it again. “Let’s leave it until someone actually walks through the damn door instead of wasting it!” I shoved the bucket back into his hands and resumed my conversation with Hannah.
By about 4 o clock there was actually a few people in the pub, all coming in for some kind of evening meal I expect. The chef had buzzed off out of sight anyway. There still wasn’t much for me to do. I didn’t understand why Rhys wasn’t just sending me home, although I couldn’t complain because I need the money. Getting paid for doing nothing isn’t too bad. I leant against the entrance of the bar, idly looking around the room for something to do. Rhys brushed past me and headed down to the cellar. My eyes followed him as he left and I felt myself getting upset again. This really isn’t a good environment for me to work in. Not so soon.
“Are you alright?” Hannah asked, sitting back on her stool after having just been to the bathroom.
“Fine.” I said, trying to hide the fact that my eyes had filled with tears by blinking a few times. “I just yawned.” I lied, but I said it in such a monotone voice that I doubt she could tell.
“I really hope you are okay. I mean, working here… After everything.” She paused. “I never thought Rhys would ever hurt you.” She said sadly, looking at me straight in the face. I continued to stare ahead of me.
“No. Me neither.” I muttered back. “But he did, and that’s done.”
“It isn’t though. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. You’re being so strong.” She reached her hand out to touch mine and I reflexively pulled mine back. It took me a few seconds to realise why. My wrists were bruised. My skin was damaged. I didn’t want her to see that.
“I don’t know if I can agree with that.” I said, trying to sound light as I picked up a glass from the side and put it in the dishwasher. I wanted it to look like that was the reason I’d moved my hand. She’d been so nice to me today I didn’t want her to have a negative opinion now.
“No, really.” She stood up, walked towards me so I had no way of escaping the conversation. It was now as I stared at Hannah that I noticed how similar we are. Both blonde, both 19 years old, we both have some form of a connexion to Rhys and we’ve both suffered tremendously. I saw the way her eyes couldn’t quite focus on mine and knew that whatever she was going to say she was battling with herself to get it out – just like I do. Every single day. Except usually I lose.
“You know what I’ve been through.” Hannah started, “And I thought that was the worst thing in the world. It still is. It’s an on-going battle every day… But you know that. Rhys has told me everything you’ve been through.” She paused, taking a deep breath. “I’m honestly so proud to see that you’re staying so stable right now. I know it’s a weird thing to say, but it’s thanks to you – seeing how well you’re coping – that I can wake up and eat breakfast in the morning. If you can get through it then I definitely can. You’re the strongest person I know.” She put her arms out and hugged me. I felt like a statue. Frozen and emotionless. My eyes opened wide and I just wanted to hold her tight by the arms and grab her and shake her and shout that I am not strong. I am nowhere near strong. I’m not someone to look up to. I’m not the person she should thank. I’m a wreck. I’m a disaster. I’m-
She pulled away from me and smiled. I smiled back, hoping that none of my true emotions showed on my face.
“Thank you, you actually have no idea how much that means to me.” I said, hoping it sounded sincere. She just carried on smiling, scooped up her laptop and headed upstairs. The moment she moved out of sight I gripped onto the side of the bar for support, worried that my emotions were going to suddenly surge out of me and cause me to crash down. Nothing happened.

“Are you okay?”
I hadn’t even noticed Rhys had come back upstairs, but he was standing staring at me, a pint glass in his hand being filled by the Heineken tap. He must have heard at least some of that conversation. He must have seen my reaction. He must have seen how fake I was because he knows the truth behind every lie, and now… The look he was giving me showed everything I thought. He was looking at me like I was weak. I felt my face grow hard and decided to turn every emotion into anger. That was the only way to spin this whole scenario around so that I came out high.
“What did you tell her about me?” I snapped angrily. He seemed a little taken aback by my sudden change in emotions.
“What?”
“Hannah. She said you told her everything about me. What’s everything?” I pressed on, standing up straight with my arms folded angrily against my chest. I ignored the fact that Rhys was serving a customer and raised my eyebrows for a response. He shook his head at me and didn’t speak to me until the man had his pint and his change and was on the other side of the pub. Then he turned, a look on his face that I couldn’t quite match to any emotion.
“Are you being serious?” His voice was rough, a low whisper that made me take a defensive step back. “You think you know me so well, Gaby, but you clearly don’t at all.”
“Well we all figured that out about 2 weeks ago now.” I hissed back. He flinched a little, perhaps regretting his choice of words.
“You know what I meant!” He was annoyed now, that I’d ruined his speech. “You didn’t bother getting to know me. When did you ever come around to see my family? I visited yours at least four times with you – you did less than that and mine lived around the corner!” His voice wasn’t raised, but it didn’t hide his enormous amount of anger. I paused to think about it for a moment. I guess I never did really visit Rhys’ family with him, but that might have been because they all hated him. Is that not the reason he chose to move to halls in the first place? He was disowned by his family the moment he slept with his sister.
“Don’t give me that rubbish, you hardly visited your family most of the time we went out. Why would I come and see them alone?”
“You didn’t even ask about them though. I know so much about your family because I asked questions and got you to open up. Did you ever do this for me?” He looked at me pointedly. I just continued to glare at him.
“Is this going somewhere? I only asked why the hell you’re telling Hannah personal information when I hardly know the girl.” It came out before I could stop it and as soon as I said it I completely regretted it. I couldn’t take back the acidic tone I used. Rhys’ jaw tightened.
“That girl is my little sister.” He said darkly. “And you wouldn’t know this but at the same time that you were having all of your problems, she was having pretty bad relapses herself. So yes. I told her about you, the person I care about most in the world, to give her some hope. Because I knew you could make it through anything and I wanted my baby sister to feel the same too.” He said it so quietly that he was practically whispering in my ear. I took another step back away from him. I’m not going to lie and say that my heart didn’t just jump for him. The fact he made me feel loved, just for that split second, made my whole world crash down a thousand times all over again. Because it isn’t true. Any of it. I’m not the person he cares most about. If I was why would he have ever hurt me? I’m not the example he should use to give his little sister hope.
“Then you lied to her.” I mumbled in response. He gripped my wrist and I jerked it away quickly. The bruises are fading, the cuts are healing, but the pain is still there.
“I didn’t. You may not know me very well but I know you a lot more than you could think. I know you’re a fighter.”
I stared at him for a second, saying a thousand times in my head something that I wanted to shout out loud. You’re wrong.
Of course, I couldn’t say it. Instead I just watched as he waited for a response. I saw his eyes go from extra wide, having just told me some of his deepest thoughts, to uncharacteristically thin when I didn’t speak. I analysed the look of despair and pain that I’d been ignoring all day. His eye still held that slightly yellowish tinge from his fight with Zak exactly one week ago today. After a few seconds he gave up and walked away to the kitchen leaving me alone behind the bar. I quickly scoped the room to find something to do, but when no job presented itself to me I just took Hannah’s seat at the end of the bar. Was it true? Had Hannah actually been ill and no one had noticed? She never looked bad to me. But I remember something vaguely, in the back of my mind, from when I first met her and Rhys. How I told her about her scumbag of a boyfriend Danny and Rhys’ response… ’You don’t know what this could do to her!’ The silence that followed our conversation… Was she still bad then? Battling through every single day like it’s a war? I thought that was just how I felt, but maybe she did too. Maybe this isn’t something that only I’m dealing with.
I was just beginning to make sense of my jumbled thoughts when Rhys walked back out of the kitchen and into the bar. He avoided my eyes as I watched him automatically wipe down the bar, put glasses in the washer, check things were working. I stared at him as he worked and I knew I should have been working too but I couldn’t quite bring myself to do it. I didn’t know what was holding my eyes to Rhys’ face until I saw his cheek glisten in the dim light of the pub. Noticed his eyes were bloodshot. Saw that his breathing was harsh and jagged. It ripped me apart from the inside and it shouldn’t have. It really shouldn’t.

-

It was dark by the time I’d finally finished work and when I stepped outside I felt as though I’d suddenly entered a snow globe. By the light of the pub I could see a good three inches of the white stuff glistening up at me on the ground. Great. I hate snow. I decided to walk slowly, knowing that I was bound to slip on the ice and snow if I didn’t. I’d only got as far as the river when I saw him, staring at me. How I hadn’t noticed him before was ridiculous. He was standing out in the open, just looking up at the pub, the streetlight right above his head. I guess I was too preoccupied with hating on the snow. If I’d seen him I’d have probably turned around and made some excuse to stay in the pub. With Rhys. Now that’s saying something. Rhys had actually offered to walk back to Halls with me as he finished in half an hour, but I turned down the offer almost instantly. I almost wished I hadn’t.
“Hello.” I said, doing the inevitable. There was no way I could turn back now, he knew I’d seen him and he’d just follow me.
“Nice to see you.” Arrow said, taking one last drag from his cigarette and throwing it into the river behind him. I hadn’t spoken to him for two days, since I went to his flat. I’d ignored his texts, he’d phoned me twice and I didn’t pick up. Honestly, I felt a little wary around him. But I wasn’t going to admit that.
“What do you want?” I asked grudgingly. I tried to act like I held some kind of power but there was no point, he was already smirking at me.
“Where have you been the last few days?”
“Here, obviously.” I responded, and then it dawned on me. He must have seen the fear flash across my face as I realised because he laughed a little. “How the hell did you know where I was?” I hadn’t told him I’d got a job here. I hadn’t even told him my ex-boyfriend owned the place. He had no reason to see a connection between me and The Dog, yet he knew to find me here…
“I have great sources.” He said huskily with another small laugh. I felt my heart rate increase dramatically. He laughed again. “Relax, it was a joke. I overheard Luke talking to Ella yesterday. She’d bumped into that cross dresser.”
Describing Kris like that stung. Besides that, he never even dressed in women’s clothing anymore. I was about to jump to his defence when a different question came out of my mouth.
“Why were you with Luke and Ella?”
“Luke’s a friend of mine.”
“Luke told me to stay clear of you.” I responded automatically. He smirked again, folding his arms together and leaning back against the railings.
“Go on then.” He said openly. I frowned, not quite understanding. “Leave if you want. I’ll never bother you again.” He was still smirking. I didn’t understand the joke. I stood, staring at him for a moment. I debated leaving but I couldn’t do it. I physically couldn’t bring myself to pick up my feet and run in the opposite direction. He laughed again and started moving towards me. I still couldn’t move but this time I wasn’t sure if I was just curious as to what he might say to me or paralysed with fear. It could have been either. My emotions were too mixed up to tell.
“See sweetheart?” His rough voice tickled my ear. “You can’t stay away from me. We’re too alike.”
“We are nothing alike.” I snapped back, finally moving away from him. He laughed again. What the hell is he finding so funny? I was about to make another snappy comment when he took a step closer and filled the gap I’d just created. I was too angry to move.
“We’re exactly alike, you and me, and you can’t bear it.” Before I could move away his kissed me roughly on the cheek. “See you soon.”
He walked away into the shadows. I stayed stood exactly where I was not sure what to do. I couldn’t tell if I was scared or not. A few days ago I thought I’d known everything there was to know about Arrow. I assumed he was just a junky, someone I could get a quick fix off of but that would be all. Now I’m not so sure. Now I’m wishing I’d taken Luke’s advice to start with and just stayed clear. When I last saw Arrow, it was painful both physically and mentally and I can’t let that happen ever again. But some part of me is desperate to follow him, because the pain he created stopped my brain from going into overdrive. For just a little while everything felt bliss and I knew that was wrong. But I wanted it again. Especially after this day. I wanted to put an end to my horrible thoughts. I stared down into the river, watching the water sway gently in the breeze. Small ripples disturbed the smooth surface.
It would be so easy. I thought. It would be so easy to just fall asleep in the water and let the world carry on without me.
I sighed, knowing I was thinking like a mad person. My feet were still rooted to the floor. I looked in the direction Arrow went and back towards the pub. My heart was telling me to head back inside, where I was safe and I could wait to walk back with Rhys. But my head was reckless. My head was telling me to walk after Arrow, text Kris saying I was working late and just see what the fuck happens.
My head was telling me to live.
What’s the worst that can happen?
Death? Is that it? Is that the worst?
How easy.
Before I could even think about it my feet started moving, into the darkness. Into the unknown darkness…

Lorna's POV

So, funnily enough when the ground is covered with snow and the temperature is minus something degrees people don’t want smoothies!
“Hi” I started, trying to sound cheerful. Adam and I had flipped a coin to see who should phone Steph and nicely suggest that she let us shut up and go home for the day before we freeze to death.
“What’s wrong?” Steph asked instantly without even saying hello.
“Nothing!” I laughed innocently. “No need to sound so panicked. Have you seen what it’s like outside?”
“No?”
“Well, me and Adam have been making actual snowmen and pretending they are customers!” I laughed, wishing that I wasn’t joking.
“Is the snow that bad?” She asked sounding concerned.
“Sort of” I said. “It’s like we’re at the North Pole. The whole village is deserted. We haven’t seen a real living person since you left!” I was watching Adam out of the corner of my eye, he had actually taken his gloves off so that he could cross his fingers!
“Are you and Adam hoping for a snow day?” Steph laughed.
“Please. Please. Please. Please. Please” I begged. “I am not lying when I say there has not been a single customer since you left!”
“Okay” She said. I smiled instantly and Adam, who had been listening in intently started jumping about in celebration as if he was a football player who’d just scored the winning goal. “Just make sure you shut up properly. If the snow continues the way it is we’ll probably stay closed again tomorrow. Can you ask Adam to let Gracie know”
“Of course” I said, that made no difference to me since I was already off tomorrow. I still haven’t met Gracie it’s odd. I know today was only my second shift back but already it feels like I never left. “thank you so much”
“You’re right though, it’s pointless you two out there freezing to death when really who’s going to venture out in that weather for a smoothie” She said.
“Speak to you later” I said before hanging up. “So, SNOW DAY” I beamed at Adam who’d already started fixing the till so that we could close. “And, you’ve to let Gracie know that if the bad weather continues it’ll be another snow day tomorrow”
Adam’s face lit up again. “I’ll tell her when I get in.”
“Do you 2 stay in the same flat then?” I asked.
“Yeah” He said. “Just me and Gracie”
“Are you together?!” I asked, finding it strange I hadn’t realised that until now.
“Nope” He sighed.
“Oh” I said, disappointedly.
“I might want us to be –“ He admitted, not looking at me. Too busy sorted stuff on the shelves below the counter.
“it’s like a film!” I said excitedly and he laughed.
“Yeah, except it’s gone on for 2 years rather than 2 hours” He laughed at himself, clearly feeling stupid. “She’s got a boyfriend now”
“It’ll all work in the end!” I beamed.
“Life isn’t a film, Lorna” He stated as he drew a cloth over the work surface.
“Believe me, I know!” I sighed as I waddled across the snow like a penguin, past our snowmen; paul, jenny and their daughter penny, to put the chairs up onto the tables. I don’t really want to go back to halls right now, especially after my freaking out then running off from this morning. I’m scared everyone will be mad at me. I shouldn’t have gone on the way I did but I can’t take it back now. What’s done is done.

---

“I’m home!” I shouted as I walked into halls. Zak appeared at the top of the corridor and stuck his finger to his lips just as he had done this morning except this time in a different flat.
“If you tell me there’s some random girl from your work on my couch I’ll cry.” I said, trying to sound upbeat but at the same time oddly concerned. I left before “Del” did this morning since when she woke up she went for a shower before we left. I swear I hadn’t even heard him mention this girl before yet she walked around his flat like she owned the place.
“Funny.” He said sarcastically. “No, Cameron’s back from Chicago and has gone to bed already and Alicia’s asleep as well”
“Oops” I said quietly.
“Why are you back so early?” He asked, looking at the kitchen clock and then back at me. I started taking some of my many layers off. I feel like an Eskimo.
“Have you seen the weather outside?!” I asked. “We had NO customers so we just made snowmen instead.” I beamed. I am such a big kid. Poor Paul, Jenny and their daughter Penny were all gone now, back to snowflakes that the sun will eventually melt away, “In the end we flipped for it and I ended up having to phone and ask Steph if we could just go home since we were wasting more money than we were earning when we were using MOB’s supplies to decorate our snowmen!” I smiled. I saw Zak smile at me and roll his eyes. “I didn’t admit to that part though. What are you doing here anyway?”
“That’s nice!” Zak said reacting as if I’d hurt his feelings with the way I’d asked.
“Not that I’m not happy to see you” I said quickly, walking across and giving him a hug.
“Well I came over to see Archie but he’s away out and then I just decided I’d wait on you! Thought I had some making up to do since you just shouted at me then ran off to work this morning”
“Oh she did that twice today then?” Kris said quietly as he walked up the corridor. I couldn’t tell if he was mad at me or not. “You’re home early!” He continued, giving me and the clock the same looks Zak had.
“I am so! I have just been paid for 3 hours for making snowmen!”
“With a young attractive man named Adam?” He asked, a mischievous grin on his face.
“Oh Yes” I smiled. “But he was wearing far too many layers of clothing today for us to enjoy his muscleyness!”
“Aww” Kris sighed disappointedly.
“Who’s this?” Zak piped up. I saw Kris roll his eyes and I couldn’t help but give a sort of laugh!
“Just a friend from work” I said in a mocking way. “Not invited him round for a sleepover yet”
“What?” Kris asked. I noticed his eyes dart round to his room in a paranoid manner.
“Oh! Did Zak not tell you? He’s got a new friend from work who likes to come round for sleepovers when I’m not there! “
“Oh?” Kris asked, turning to Zak for more information.
“Yes, I went round to Zak’s this morning before I went to work to find a long legged skinny blonde girl sprawled all over his couch!”
“Could’ve been worse!” Kris suggested.
“Not in the mood in the mood I was in this morning.” I laughed. I saw Kris’ eyes go back toward his bedroom again.
“Are you hiding a sleepover buddy in your room?” Nosiness got the better of me.
“No, I’ve just left Alicia lying on my bed. I positioned the pillows around her but I’m just scared she falls off” Kris explained, sort of realising he sounded silly.
“She’ll be fine!” I said. Kris should really start keeping some stuff for Alicia round here. It would make things a lot easier for everyone. “OH!” I said, suddenly remembering. I threw my finger toward Kris in an over dramatic fashion.
“What?” Kris said, looking almost startled.
“I’ve got presents for you!” I sang, as a darted through into my bedroom. With everything that’s been going on recently I had completely forgotten about this stuff. I picked the 2 bags and the box out of my wardrobe and headed back up the hall.
“While you and Gabs were in Blackpool for Christmas, Aly stopped off on her way down to London and she gave me some of Becky’s old stuff and asked if I could give it to you and Gaby” I said.
I took the lid off of the bright pink toy box and showed Kris all the books and toys that were inside. I then tipped the Tesco plastic bag upside down and out fell lots of clothes. “I know Alicia’s got millions of toys and books and clothes but I thought maybe you could keep this stuff here.” I smiled.
Kris smiled as he looked through all the stuff. “Thank you!”
“You’ve not even seen the best part yet!” I said, as I unzipped the rectangular bright pink bag that was sat to my left.
“It’ll solve your dilemma.” Zak chipped in. He must’ve forgotten about this stuff as well. He was the one that helped me bring it over here.
“What is it?” Kris asked.
“It’s a travel cot!” I said, as though I was a gameshow host showing off the prize. I held it up and Zak pulled the bag off so that I was just left the actual cot piece.
“That’s brilliant!” Kris said. “Can’t believe Aly’s just given it to us.”
“Kris, when my sister is nice she’s very very very nice and when she’s a bitch she a very very very big bitch” I laughed. Zak nodded along in agreement.
“Thank you” Kris said again sounding grateful and I smiled, good deed done for the day!
“Now, I don’t think my sister has included the instructions!” I sighed. “I hope I remember how to do it properly.” I said, examining it.
“I’ll go check on Alicia” Zak said, walking through into Kris’ room.
“I better show you how to do it as well.” I said, as I wracked my brain trying to remember how to do it myself. “Right! First, we unwrap the mattress part.” I said, pulling the Velcro straps to release it. “So can you just hold that” I said, handing it to Kris. “Then I THINK we just pulled it out and make sure all the sides click.” I said, saying the word click at the exact time the cot clicked. I did the same with the other 3 sides before continuing, “then we push down in the middle.” There was another click as it snapped into place. “Place the mattress in and tada!” I smiled. “It’s really light as well so you can leave it through here, pull it into your room, or my room, or wherever but I doubt the boys would be very happy about that.”
“It’s great!” Kris said before thanking me yet again.
“Would you stop saying thank you!” I laughed, “It’s annoying! Where do you want to put it?”
“Will we leave it through here at the moment?” Kris said, for some reason checking with me. “Then she’ll be further away from Cameron if she fusses.”
I nodded. “Sensible” I said, pulling the cot into the corner of the sitting room out of the way a little bit.
“It’s even got Minnie Mouse on the side!” Kris pointed out excitedly and I smiled.
“Yeah it does!” I said, enthusiastically. Kris smiled again.
“It’s great!” He said. “Thank you”
“What did I say?!” I laughed, giving Kris a quick hug. I bent down and placed all of the clothes back into the bag. Zak appeared at the top of the corridor with a still sleeping Alicia in his arms. He placed her ever so carefully into the cot. She hadn’t even stirred.
“I’m impressed!” Kris said.
“What can I say?” Zak laughed. “Uncle Zak’s a pro!” He said smugly. I smiled as I watched him stand there and look at her asleep in the cot and yet again my heart gave that painful squeeze as I thought about how close me and Zak were to having one of our own. He really would’ve been such a great dad.
“Lorna?” Kris said, waving his hand in front of my face breaking me from my daze.
I apologised and looked at him to repeat what he’d just said.
“I said, can you bring the clothes through to my room when you’ve put them all back in the bag?”
“Course” I said, looking back at the clothes as I placed them back in the bag quickly, trying not to look at them all knowing it was most likely send me away in my head thinking of Becks. I stood up and headed through into Kris’ room, he was emptying out one of the drawers below his desk.
“I never thought I’d be filling these drawers with baby stuff” He laughed, tossing all the stuff out the drawer onto his bed.
“Life never turns out how you expect” I smiled. “Do you want a hand?”
“No it’s okay” Kris said, “You and Zak can go out”
“It’s horrible outside and Zak’s now too busy cooing over his other favourite girl now!” I sighed, in a joking way. I do love how much Zak loves Alicia.
“He was planning on taking you out when we were chatting earlier” Kris said, as he placed the outfit I had folded and handed to him into the drawer. They were chatting?
“Oh” I said, trying to hide my surprise.
“You sound as surprised as I was” Kris laughed sadly. “He’s been here since around 2, he came in to ask where Arch was then never left.”
“That’s… good!” I replied unsure of what to say.
“It’s a definite improvement!” He said. We continued on with our little system of me folding the clothes and Kris putting them in the drawer in silence for quite a while.
“Have we got anything in for dinner?” I asked.
“Chips and Chicken nuggets?” He shrugged.
“Sounds good to me!” I said. “I just realised it’s only half 3. I’m so confused about the time since I finished so early! What time is Gaby done?”
“She said she’d be round to get Alicia at 10 past 6” He said, looking at his phone to check the time at the moment.
“We can have dinner after then then and watch a film!” I said cheerfully. “Archie will be back by then as well! Cameron too if he’s awake!” I said, almost getting excited, trying to cling on to the last few members of our once happy flat crew. “Have you heard from Elliot? When’s he back?”
“The last time I spoke to him was a Happy New Year text and before that it was a Merry Christmas one.” Kris said, awkwardly.
“Same as me then” I sighed, “Remind me to text him later” I said. We were reaching the end of bag of clothes now. Looking through the clothes wasn’t as bad as I thought. Just a few dresses and sleep suits that I knew Becky had barely worn.
“I’ll try” Kris replied as he closed the drawer behind him. “So what shall we do now?”
“Go and try to pry Zak away from Alicia” I said, “She’ll get the fright of her life if she wakes up to see his ugly mug staring at her!” I joked. Kris smiled and followed me back through to the living room.

------

“Hello Munchkin!” I said, noticing that Alicia was sitting up in her cot. She’d been asleep for ages! I doubt Gaby was going to have an easy time of setting her down later but any time I suggested waking her Kris refused and he’s the daddy! “Clever girl!” I said, referring to the fact she’d sat herself up on her own, as she sat there peeking through the mesh side of the travel cot. Zak stood up off of the couch instantly and had her out of the cot in seconds. I’d have left her there she looked pretty content to me.
“Are you alright princess?” Zak said to her and she laughed instantly. I think it’s his accent. Zak sat down next to me and lifted Alicia up so that she was standing on his thighs. He held her carefully under her arms and her legs began to stamp up and down.
“It’s so cool how strong she’s getting.” Zak said as her watched her mesmerised. I don’t think he’d ever seen a baby as regularly as he sees Alicia.
“She’s not going to be a baby forever” Kris sighed, he was sat with his feet up on the couch opposite Zak, Alicia and me doing some work for uni.
“As if you’re getting sad about her growing up already?!” I laughed. “She’s hardly heading off to Uni to get knocked up by the first guy she meets only for him to run off to Australia!”
“Ha! So funny!” Kris stated. “I’ll be practically 40 then!” He continued, his eyes widening in shock. I couldn’t help but laugh. I saw Zak laugh beside me as well.
“I don’t know why you’re laughing! We’re the same age! Zak, you’ll be even older” Kris said, in disbelief. So he will!!
“Let’s have a joint 40th!” I said excitedly. Kris rolled his eyes and I laughed. My stomach sank. “That seems so old!” I complained. “I wonder what life will be like then.” I said dreamily. Already starting to go off into my head. “I wonder what Alicia will look like. I wonder where we’ll all stay! What we’re all doing!” I continued quickly. My mind going in overdrive. “Hey! I wonder if Gaby will be speaking to me by then” I sighed.
“Where is Gaby?” Kris asked, looking at his watch. “It’s half 6 already.”
“Already?!” I asked, unsure of where time had gone. Kris stood up off of the couch and left his laptop sitting and headed through into his room.
“She’s text.” He announced as he walked back through with his phone in his hand.
“What’s Mummy said?” Zak asked Alicia and she babbled back to him happily.
“Just saying she’ll be late” He said, tossing his phone onto the couch beside him.
“I’ll text Arch and see if he’s coming back for dinner.” I said, lifting my phone out of my pocket. Alicia reached out her hand to try and grab it from me.
“2 Seconds and then you can play with it” I smiled at her. I quickly typed Will you be back from tea chicken? 
His reply came back almost instantly Yes Mum! xx I smiled and handed my phone to Alicia. Archie keeps accusing me of mothering him. Oops.
“There you go” I handed my phone back to Alicia but she now seemed uninterested. Too interested in the book Zak was now reading to her.
“You were going to text Elliot” Kris said, looking up from his laptop.
“so I was” I said, quickly unlocked my phone again and typing a quick message, asking him if he’d had a good break and when he’d be back. I sat my phone down on the coffee table and leant my head down onto Zak’s shoulder and listened in on the story. Alicia stared up at Zak with her big beautiful eyes in amazement as he read out the story to her changing his voice along with the characters. And yet again, my heart felt that same painful squeeze.
I continued to watch both of them as I sat all snugged up. So adorable. I found myself getting lost in my head as I watched them. Zak telling the poetic story in such good rhythm, his character voices always making Alicia’s face lit up.
“Lorna?” Elliot said and I sat up right instantly. He was stood at the top of the corridor. I looked at him wide eyed. “I already am back.”
“What?!” I asked loudly. “When?!”
Zak stopped reading the story to Alicia and turned to face Elliot. Kris looked over the top of the screen of his laptop.
“I’ve been in all day. When did you get back?!” Kris asked still in shock.
“First thing this morning. Did no one hear the shower going?!”
Kris and I looked at each other and laughed. “No.” We both said at the same time. “Thanks for popping in to say Hi” I said, quite nastily back to him. “I’m just about to make dinner. Would you like some?”
“No.” Elliot said, as he turned on his heal and headed back in to his room. I turned round and looked and both Kris and Zak in utter disbelief.
“Rude!” I stated.
“Ba ba ba ba ba ba!” Alicia babbled. Her hands reaching out towards the book. She looked up at Zak.
“Sorry” Zak said softly. “Where were we?” He asked, looking back at the book. “The mouse said..” He continued on. I leant back onto his shoulder and phased out again. Now absolutely enraged at Elliot!

--------

“I made dinner so someone else is doing the dishes!” I said quickly as I sat my fork down on my plate.
“Not me!” Kris and Archie said at the same time.
“What?!” Zak complained as he got down off of his stool. “I don’t even live here anymore!”
“Me and Alicia are going to choose a film to watch” I said, not listening to Zak’s complaints. “Does anyone have any preferences?”
“No Shrek” All 3 of them said at the same time.
“Alright” I sighed sadly. “Come on missus” I said as bent over and lifted Alicia out of the travel cot. She was lying there holding Alvin the elephant with his ear stuffed in her mouth.
“Alicia! Don’t eat poor Alvin” I laughed, pulling him out of her mouth. Poor Elephant’s now got a very soggy ear. She looked extremely unimpressed. I handed Alvin back to her quickly to avoid tears and his poor ear went straight back into her mouth. I walk down the corridor and into my bedroom with Alicia balanced on my hip.
“Right, which film shall we watch?” I asked, “I doubt you’ll be here to see the end of it now but we’ll finish it another day.” I lay Alicia down on my bedroom floor where she seemed happy munching on poor Alvin’s ear and pulled one of the boxes filled with DVDs from below my bed. It didn’t take Alicia long at all to get herself into a sitting position again with one of her hands wrapped around the top of the box. I watched her for a few seconds as she was a little bit wobbly but it didn’t take long for her to steady herself.
“Well Done my little munchkin” I beamed and she laughed back at me. “Which dvd shall we choose then?”
She looked up at me. “Have I to choose then?” I said, I looked around the box which funnily enough contained lots of cartoon, Alicia appropriate films. I picked out 4 and sat them on the floor in front of Alicia; Kung Fu Panda, Madagascar, Madagascar 2 and Aladdin. She watched me carefully before staring at the dvd boxes before eventually leaning forward and placing her hand on Madagascar 2.
“Good Choice” I smiled at her. “Zak LOVES that film” When do babies start to put names to faces? I really can’t remember when Becky started knowing who I meant when I said people’s names. It hurt me. I don’t want to forget any details about Becky and I already have.
“Have you picked a film?” Zak said peeking his head round my bedroom door. Alicia’s head shot up to look at him. Her arms reached out towards him and poor Alvin got neglected again and he dropped to the floor. Zak stuck his tongue out at me cheekily, bragging that Alicia wanted him.
I rolled my eyes in return and stood up, picking the dvd up off of the floor and of course Alvin and walked back through to the sitting area.
“You haven’t put the dishes away Zak!” I teased jokingly. Yes, he had washed them but rather than drying them and putting them away he’d left them all sitting there to drip dry.
“What film did you pick?” Archie asked as he made himself comfy on one of the couches.
“Alicia picked Madagascar 2” I smiled. Archie looked at me questioningly. “I picked out 4 left them on the floor in front of Alicia, she leaned forward and touched Madagascar 2 first.”
“Oh” Archie said. “Clever Alicia”
“I think we better get Alicia ready for bed first.” Kris said, shutting the lid of his laptop and sticking it on the floor.
“Good idea” I said, putting the DVD in the DVD player.
“What do you mean we?” Archie laughed. “I wasn’t engaged in the sexual act that created it so therefore not my responsibility!” I turned to face him, the disbelief clearly showing in my expression.
“She’s not an it, Arch!” I laughed. Archie hadn’t exactly ever shown a lot of affection for Alicia. He was a 19 year old guy. A guy who still thought babies were a punishment rather than something good. He just shrugged in response. I rolled my eyes. One day he’ll change his mind.
“We got any crisps?” Archie asked, walking over to the kitchen cupboards. Alicia was passed from Zak to Kris.
“I’m not sure” I said. “I think I’m going to put my jammies on too!” I told Alicia as I followed her and her Daddy down the corridor. Alicia shouted in protest when I went into a different room from her and Daddy but Kris managed to calm her down. I quickly grabbed the first pair of jammies out of my drawer and threw them on. They had penguins on them, appropriate for watching Madagascar! I also quickly took my make up off and tossed my hair into a bun on the top of my head before walking back through.
“I love how you’re ready before Alicia and she’s got someone changing her” Archie said. I looked at him with a questioning look.
“She’s a baby. They’re hard work!” I said. He rolled his eyes. “Did you find crisps?” I asked.
He gestured towards the table where there now sat open bags of sweet thai chilli sensations, onion rings and a big bag of cheese and onion crisps. The selection surprised me. I didn’t think there would be anything in. I sat down on the couch beside Zak and curled my feet up below my legs.
“So we’re not going back to mine tonight then?” He sighed, disappointed.
“No.” I said. “And you’re not going back there yourself either. Have you seen the weather outside!”
“but-” Zak attempted to process.
“No!” I stated. “It’s dark, it’s cold, it’s snowing. We’ll be back to sharing a single bed just like old times!!”
“Don’t be getting up to anything!” Archie responded. “I don’t want to be stuck listening to it through the wall, just like old times!” He laughed. I forced an irritated sigh which just made Archie laugh more and I smiled.
“Kris!” Archie shouted loudly. “What is taking so long?!”
“Arch!” I said. Poor Kris doesn’t get as much practice with Alicia as he should. It sucks but that’s the problem when you don’t live with the baby and Archie getting on at him will just make Kris sad. He’s already not as confident with her as he should be!
“I’m just saying, if he doesn’t hurry up Gaby will be here to pick Alicia up before we even start the film!” Sure, that’s your reasoning. I didn’t respond just rested my head on Zak’s shoulder again. He lifted his arm up and put it round me and I moved in closer and rested my head on his chest instead. I noticed Archie was watching us and it made me smile. I know this is what he wants. He complains all the time about couples and serious relationships but I swear that’s just because he got hurt. He wants someone he can cuddle up and watch films with rather than the just sex relationships he’s had the whole time I’ve known him.
“We’re ready” Kris said, cheerfully as he reached the top of the hallway. He sat down with Alicia on his lap on the seat opposite Zak and I and Alicia did not look happy.
“Daddy, you’re upsetting your daughter.” I said, warning him she was about to cry.
“What have I done wrong now?” Kris asked Alicia in an upbeat mood. Her bottom lip began to tremble. “Don’t start any of that!” Kris said, sounding as if he was pleading with her.
“Alicia!” Zak said and her eyes instantly lit up.
“Oh, so you don’t want to sit with Daddy and watch the film?” Kris said, sounding kinda hurt. I wanted to aww aloud but stopped myself. Kris stood up and brought Alicia over to me and sat her on top of me. She instantly started to giggle and Kris’ face fell. He took his phone out and held it up.
“Tell me you are not taking a picture to put on the internet!!” I snapped. I saw Zak smile out of the corner of my eye, ready for his picture to be put on facebook for everyone to see.
“What’s wrong with you?” Kris questioned.
“No make-up” I said, pointing at my face. “My hair!” I said. Alicia started to laugh again. “Even Alicia knows it’ll be a bad picture!”
“Just smile I’m taking it!”
“Fine!” I huffed, before pulling a massive cheesy grin. Kris took the picture and within seconds my phone was vibrating with a facebook notification.
“My Daughter prefers my best friends! Sad face, sad face, sad face” I read aloud. “like!” I laughed, before putting my phone down on the coffee table.
“Can I play the film now?” Archie asked, getting irate again.
“Yes!” we all chorused. The front door burst open and Archie – who was still holding the remote – paused the dvd already. We all turned towards the door, expecting it to be Gaby.
Rhys stopped in his tracks, looking almost panicked that we’d paused the TV to stare at him.
“Sorry mate” Archie began. “Thought Gaby was finally finished and back for Alicia”
“Gaby finished hours ago?” Rhys said, unsure he was saying the right thing.
“When?” Kris asked.
“6” Rhys replied.
“Oh” Was all that Kris managed. Rhys continued to walk down the corridor and closed his bedroom door behind him.
“When did Gabs say she was working late?” Zak asked Kris.
“She text at half 6” Kris said, clearly his head was already in over drive thinking the worst.
“She probably just went out.” Archie said, confidently. “Wanted a break without mini-you over there”
“Did she say anything to you this morning?” Kris asked Archie. Archie shook his head.
“Don’t think so” He shrugged.
“If that was the reason why wouldn’t she just say that?” He asked. “She knows I love having Alicia”
“Maybe she just felt guilty” Archie said, continuing to make up excuses for Gaby.
“Maybe” Kris said, sounding unsure. He took his phone back out of his pocket, obviously sending her a text.
“What’d you say?” Zak asked, nosily. I was glad he had asked. I was scared to speak. I thought about my rant to Gaby a lot at work this afternoon. I shouldn’t have said all that. Especially in the lunatic way that I just screamed it at her.
“Just asked what time she thought she’d be finished.” Kris said, putting his phone back in his pocket. “I don’t want her to feel guilty that she wants a break from Alicia”
“We don’t know that’s definitely the reason” Zak said. I agree.
“Just play the film.” Kris said, now clearly irritated. I love how we’d chosen this film especially for Alicia and I could see her little eye lids starting to become heavy already. It was late for her though. I moved my head slightly to look at Kris and I knew that Zak had done the same. His expression had completely changed and rather than watching the film he now sat completely focussed on his phone.

----

“Did Alicia even make it 10 minutes into that film?” Archie laughed as he sat up off of the couch as the credits rolled with “I Like to move it” playing on a loop. “I’m not complaining though. I do love King Julian” He laughed. Kris was still sat the same way on the chair, not even flinching at the mention of Alicia. Gaby hadn’t text him back at all.
“Kris, should we put Alicia in the cot or the pram?” I asked thinking ahead, that at some point tonight she would be going back with Gaby.
“Just put her in the cot just now” Kris said, standing up off of the chair. He lifted Alicia from me and kissed her forehead before placing her carefully in the cot. She woke with a start and began to howl.
“Shit.” Kris cursed as he lifted her back up again. Zak was straight over talking to Alicia but this time not even he could cheer her up. She’d be confused by now. It’s been like 12 hours now since she last saw her mum and she’s definitely not used to that.
“Alicia, do you want play with my phone?” I asked, she looked at me. I held my phone up at her, pressing the buttons and she stopped howling, though her bottom lip did continue to tremble. She reached out and took the phone with both hands and started pressing the buttons. Kris lay her back down in the bright pink travel cot and left her with the phone for entertainment.
“I’m going to the loo” Kris said. I heard the bathroom door close behind him.
“Do you think you’re right Archie?” Zak asked. “That she has just gone out and told Kris she was at work because she felt guilty?”
Archie nodded, “It makes sense, doesn’t it?”
I didn’t know whether I agreed with him or not. Kris walked back up the corridor again. Alicia was lying in the cot babbling away happily.
“You’re meant to be asleep princess!” He said, sounding dad-like. She just continued to babble into the phone. “Crap, Lorna I think she’s phoned someone.”
“Oh!” I laughed, I thought it was locked. I reached over into the cot and took the phone from Alicia. Her expression changed immediately. Funnily enough it was Gaby that she’d managed to phone. I put the phone to my ear expecting it to have gone to voicemail since Kris still hadn’t gotten a reply from her but instead Gaby was rambling, sounding sort of drunk. Archie was right, she must’ve gone to the CSU again, with Ben and Ella or something.
“Gabs?” I questioned straight away into the phone. I saw Kris, Arch and Zak give me a questioning look. She must not have heard me because she had continued her rambling.
“I am so sorry baby girl” She said, sounding as if she was a completely different planet. “I’ve not been the best mum, have I?” Gaby continued. I put the phone on loud speaker so that the boys could hear and they all shut up instantly.
“I should be with you just now.” She said. She spoke so quietly and slowly. “I shouldn’t have been with him. I shouldn’t have followed him. I should never have started speaking to him.”
Arch, Kris, Zak and I all exchanged concerned, confused looks. Rhys is in his room. Who shouldn’t she be with?
“Alcohol doesn’t solve anything.” She slurred but in an angry way. Kris grabbed the phone from my hand.
“Where are you?” He asked. His tone almost threatening.
“Kris?” Gaby asked confused. “I was speaking to Alicia.” She said seriously. Did she really think Alicia knew what she was doing when she phoned her?
“Where are you?” He repeated in the exact same tone.
“I’m cold.” She said.
“Where are you?” He repeated yet again but this time louder and harsher. There was a silence, both here in the living room and on the phone.
“I’m in the forest” Gaby finally replied. “the one near Asda”
“Alone?” Kris asked.
“Yes.” She said. “I’m cold.” She repeated again.
“I’m coming to get you.” He said.
“Don’t.” She said. “I’m thinking.”
“Thinking about what Gaby?” Kris asked. He was so angry. “It’s half past 11. It’s pitch black, It’s practically a blizzard outside. It’s minus 7! Why are you in the forest?!”
“I don’t remember.” Gaby said carelessly. “I was coming back to halls and I took the short cut and then I remembered what happened to Lorna. The police tape is still here around this tree.” There was rustling on the other end of the line as she must’ve scrunched the police tape up with her hand. That must mean she’s near the top of the slope. I gulped as I pictured it so clearly in my head. “And it just, it pisses me off cause I was so scared for her. I really thought she was going to die. That there would be no Lorna anymore.” She paused and was silent for a while. I kept my eyes focussed on the floor. “Even when she seemed okay I cried for her when I found out she couldn’t have kids. I cried for her when she lost her baby. She’d have been a brilliant mum. But Kris, Natalie” She gulped, “Rhys were fucking behind my back, she didn’t tell me” She stopped. “she didn’t cry for me” There was another pause. “she didn’t help me, she just laughed and laughed and let it continue and never said a word to me! She hasn’t given a shit about me for a long time, a really long time. She knew Kris.” Her voice thick with tears. I could feel mine going the same way as her words cut threw me. That is so far from true. I bit my lip hard to stop myself from crying. “She’s hurt me most.”
“Just stay there Gabs” Archie said. “We’ll come get you and bring you back.” I heard rather than saw him pick up his jacket from behind the couch. He was still wearing his shoes from earlier.
“Arch?” She asked. “Where’s Kris? Who am I speaking to?!” She snapped, getting really worked up and frustrated.
“Gaby, we’re leaving now.” Kris said trying to seem calm.
“Look after Alicia” I heard him say in a low tone to Zak. The next thing I knew the door slammed shut and all the noise had stopped. I could feel the tears dripping off of my chin…

Gaby's POV

Whatever I’d taken earlier was wearing off. Of course it was wearing off. I could tell just by the way I was shivering. My body was coming back to normal and it was angry with me for sitting out in the cold. I sat on the log, staring at the black and yellow tape. It said ’Do-Not-Cross’ but I’d ignored that and perched myself right within the neat little square they’d set out. It was oddly haunting, sitting here. In this exact location, Lorna was pushed straight down that steep slope. She cracked her head open, suffered massive internal damage, got told she couldn’t have kids… And now I didn’t care. Now I was sitting here thinking that, at that same time, she already knew everything. When she was running from Kyle, she knew. When she was carted past me on that hospital bed, she knew. When I cried for her day in and day out, she fucking knew. And she’s continued to know. But she didn’t tell me. I had to figure it out for myself. I had to walk into a room, and see it in action. Is that what happened with her? Did she find out by accident or did Natalie, being her best bud, tell her in confidence? I didn’t even want to know.
The snow wasn’t falling onto the floor here. I assumed it was because of the thick cluster of trees the surrounded me but then I decided it had probably just stopped snowing. I didn’t know how long I’d been in here before I spoke to Alicia on the phone. I shook my head. Not Alicia. She rang me by accident. She can’t talk. It was Kris and Archie on the phone. As my head cleared I realised it probably wasn’t just them. It was probably everybody. On loudspeaker or something. I groaned, wondering what they’d heard me rambling about. I could hardly remember myself. I just remember being cold and feeling safe as soon as I heard Kris’ voice. He was coming to get me.
My body relaxed a little. I’m so stupid. Why am I here? Why didn’t I just go home? Or at least wait for Rhys and go back with him. Why did I have to follow Arrow? It was stupid and I knew this would happen. My whole side ached from where he’d been too rough with me. I didn’t think it was a problem at the time but now I’m sore and sobering up, it just seems ridiculous. To be fair, on his part, he did apologise when I was putting my clothes back on. And he did offer to walk me home which was a surprise because he’d never shown any desire to be in my company for longer than necessary before. I’d refused though. I bolted as soon as I had the chance.
My eyes felt heavy. I let my head fall to the side and slipped down so that I now lay on the log. I was still shivering uncontrollably and the darkness of the forest was starting to scare me. I wished Kris would hurry up.
“Gabs?” Archie’s voice was close. Probably just on the other side of the police tape. I mumbled something that even I couldn’t understand and I’d been the one trying to speak. Am I that out of it? No. I’m just cold. Really cold.
“Kris she’s here.”
I heard a scuffle and then the agitated sound of tape ripping. Clearly they couldn’t be bothered to just duck underneath it like I did. A warm hand touched my face and I opened my eyes. I don’t remember closing them.
“Hey.” I mumbled at Archie. In the darkness I could just see the outline of his face and he looked worried.
“You haven’t even got a coat.” He said, almost in his usual mocking way but the worry behind his words shone out. I looked down at my bare arms. Oh, look at that. He was right. I didn’t have a coat. Huh, well that explains why I’m so cold. I wonder where I left my coat. Archie was shrugging his jacket off now. I saw him shiver a bit as he pulled me into a sitting position and wrapped it around me, but he had a jumper on as well. I guess even I thought I needed the jacket more than him, so I wasn’t going to protest.
“Is she okay?” Kris’ worried voice was in reach now. He stumbled towards me and crouched down.
“I’m fine.” I said back, my teeth still chattering. Archie’s jacket was brilliantly warm but I was still frozen.
“You better hope you’re not fine or I’m going to get seriously pissed off with you!” Kris retorted, crouching down next to me. I knew what he meant. If I’m fine then I’m in trouble.
“Okay then, I’m not fine. I feel lousy.” I said, my words slurred a little bit. I tried really hard to make them sound more coherent but it wasn’t happening. I’m just so tired.
“She’s freezing, let’s just get her home.” Archie said, putting a hand under my arm to lift me up. I immediately cried out in pain. My side was bruised, and badly.
“What’s wrong?” Kris asked, all the anger had left his voice. He helped Archie steady me on my feet but I shifted my position so that I mostly relied on Kris to keep me upright. He put an arm around my waist and Archie held my elbow.
“Nothing. I think I bruised my side or something. I must’ve fallen.” I lied and it was so obvious but neither of them said anything.
“Do you want to go to the hospital?” Kris said. Of course he did. He’s so overdramatic.
“Don’t be stupid!!” I snapped, trying to stand up on my own to prove that I wasn’t as bad as I was making out. I instantly stumbled and he had to tighten his grip on me again. I winced as pain shot across my ribs but I tried not to make it obvious.
“Come on, let’s get out of here. It’s freaking me out.” Archie said, tugging my elbow towards the way he’d walked in. I didn’t dare risk saying anything, knowing that the pain I was feeling would show clearly in my voice. Kris started speaking. Asking questions about what I was doing. Telling me that Rhys had come home hours ago and he was worried. Telling me to reply to his texts next time. I stayed silent. My legs felt like jelly and I was shaking so bad. It didn’t just feel like it was from the cold now. I was starting to panic that this was some sort of side effect from the mix of stuff I’d taken earlier. We’d hardly been walking for 10 minutes when I asked if we could stop for a second. They both looked at me concerned.
“I’m really tired.” I used as my reason. Kris led me to a pretty big rock and sat me on it, then turned to Archie.
“Do you think she’s okay?”
“I don’t know mate, she looks pretty bad.”
Why did Archie sound guilty?
“Reckon I should take her to the hospital? I know she said she’s fine but-”
“-Kris do you think I’ve gone deaf? You’re about 30 centimetres away from me, stop talking like I’m not here!” It was supposed to sound strict, but it came out a massive slur and I actually saw a smile threaten to show itself on his face. He covered it with a frown.
“You sound terrible.”
“Shut up.”
This time he did smile.
“Can we move again yet? It’s freezing out here.” He said, putting the back of his hand on my face. His hand felt burning hot compared to my freezing cold cheek.
“Yes.” I said, pushing myself up from the rock. It didn’t go as planned. My legs wouldn’t stop shaking. This time Archie caught me before I could stumble to the ground. Both him and Kris held me in some way or another so that I hardly had to do anything except let them carry me towards Halls and pretend to walk. I was wrong about the snow having stopped. Once we were clear of the trees it was like a blizzard. I mentally thought about how difficult it would be to get Alicia home in this and then realised there was not a chance in hell that Kris was letting me take her out of his sight when I’m like this. By the time we got back to the village I was feeling a little better. I was still shivering like mad but I moved myself out of their grip and started walking myself. Kris kept a determined hand on my upper arm but I honestly felt like I would be okay now, despite the snow. My eyes still felt heavy but I didn’t want to look weak anymore. I’d had enough of being weak.
It took me longer than normal to climb the stairs to halls but I did it. The warmth of the building was making it much easier. The shivering was easing, slightly.

“Is she okay?” Someone asked as soon as we walked into halls. It was Zak. He pushed Archie out of the way and put an arm around me to help me to the sofa. I shrugged away from him and stumbled by myself towards the counter.
“What happened? Where did she go? Is she hurt?” I was surprised to hear Rhys’ voice amongst the crowd. I looked around and saw that absolutely everyone was in the room except Natalie. Even Cameron and Elliot were looking at me concerned. I groaned.
“Seriously? Is this your evening entertainment or something. Go away!” I aimed the last bit at Elliot who did exactly as requested and skulked off down the corridor.
“She’s alright.” Kris said in response to the others. Archie walked over to stand behind me and put his hands reassuringly on both my shoulders. My head was starting to pound.
“What happened?” Lorna spoke, her voice choked with tears. I glared at her and she looked away from me.
“I don’t know.” Kris spoke again. Archie tightened his grip on my shoulders but I couldn’t tell if he was trying to make me feel better or restraining me. Either way I was pretty sure I didn’t like it.
“Well haven’t you asked her?” Lorna snapped back at him.
“Of course I have Lorna!” Kris retorted. She went quiet then looked at me. Her emotions had changed in just a few seconds. Before she looked like she was in some kind of pain. Now she looked furious.
“What the hell have you been doing Gaby? You look a fucking mess!”
“Don’t even-” I started but she cut me off.
“No, I’m serious! You have a daughter now, you need to start thinking about her!”
That stung. At the mention of Alicia I searched for her. My eyes settled on a new addition to the room, a pink travel cot sat in the corner. She was sat up, awake, staring at me. I could tell she’d been crying. A tear sat on her pink cheek. I looked away before I started crying myself.
“Don’t look away from her! Look at her. Look at her Gaby! Look how you’ve abandoned her, and made her cry and hurt her by doing – whatever the fuck you were doing!” Lorna was being unbelievably harsh. I first thought she was just trying not to look weak, like I constantly seem to be doing. But then I decided I don’t know her anymore. She’s probably hated me for a long time. She’s probably been bottling this anger up for a while. “Feel good about yourself now?” Lorna’s voice was like venom. Archie felt tense behind me. Kris and Rhys both just stared at Alicia, probably silently agreeing with everything Lorna said. I closed my eyes, not wanting to listen to this anymore.
“Lorna, back off.”
I was shocked to hear Zak talk to her like that. I opened my eyes and saw Lorna’s anger vanish. She stared at Zak, hurt flashing across her face. She opened her mouth to say something but tears started leaking from her eyes so she snapped it shut. There was a long silence. I continued to shiver, still not having warmed up from being out in the freezing cold.
“Do you want me to make you a hot drink?” Kris asked gently from my side. I just nodded still feeling like absolute crap after Lorna’s outburst. She was right. I abandoned my own daughter, and to do what? Get a small buzz that lasted a whole 30 seconds? Was it really worth it?
Kris put a cup of tea down in front of me. I hadn’t realised I’d zoned out for that long. I put my hands around the cup to warm them up. Archie still had hold of my shoulders.
“Where did you go, Gaby?” Rhys spoke from the other side of the room. I glanced up at him.
“You don’t have any right to care.” I said back to him. He looked like he was about to argue back but the five other people in the room gave him a look to agree with me. He just shook his head and stormed off to his room. Two down, five to go. I started sipping on my tea despite it being burning hot. My tongue was sore but I didn’t care. Zak moved to take a seat opposite me. Archie finally removed his grip from my shoulders and sat on the chair next to me. Kris started talking to Lorna quietly and Cameron stood awkwardly in the corner. I’d never had a real conversation with Cameron so I bet he felt a bit weird getting involved in all of this.
“Are you okay?” Zak asked me quietly. I looked at him, hoping to show my annoyance.
“I feel like shit.” I replied. He mashed his lips together in a hard line.
“Do you want to go to bed? We can talk in the morning.” Zak suggested. I shook my head. Even though my eyes continued to threaten to close, sleep was out of the question. Besides, my plan was to make my way back home, somehow, to sleep. Not spend the night here.
“I’ll stay on the sofa. You can have my bed.” Kris offered. I raised my eyebrows at him.
“Thanks but sleeping with bed bugs wasn’t on my bucket list.”
A small laugh rippled around the room. Cameron spoke this time.
“You can have my bed? I slept in it this afternoon, but it’s pretty fresh. And I doubt I’ll be sleeping much tonight anyway. Jet lag.” He explained. I still shook my head. It was nice of him to offer but it wasn’t going to happen.
“I’ll just go home.”
“You won’t.” Kris said before I could even move.
“It will be fine. I’ll even go see Karl on my way in so that you know I’m definitely back and that I’m fine.” I said, not really even thinking about it.
“Who’s Karl?” Lorna asked confused. I realised what I’d said about the same time Kris did. He gave me a look of pure irritation.
“My neighbour, duh.” I tried to shrug off the real point I’d been making. I was more thinking of Karl as Kris’ boyfriend, not my neighbour. But nobody else knew about those two, so I couldn’t out him now.
“Well what use is that to Kris? He’s hardly going to ring up your neighbour, that he hardly even knows, in the middle of the night just to check you’re home alright!” Lorna snapped back. I was about to argue back but caught the warning glance off of Kris.
“You’re right. That was a dumb idea.” I said through gritted teeth. It was horrible having to agree with Lorna and now Kris owed me.
“Just stay here, Gabs.” Archie said, nudging me.
“Yeah, Alicia’s staying here anyway. She’d be happier if you’re here.” Zak agreed. I looked over at Alicia again. As soon as we made eye contact she made a whimpering noise and reached her hands towards me. Kris walked towards the cot and picked her up, wiping the remaining tear off of her cheek and bringing her towards me. He didn’t pass her over to me, which was good because I was still shaking uncontrollably, but he did let me see her. Archie put an arm around me, probably to try and help me warm up a bit. It helped a little.
“Okay.” I agreed. “I’ll stay.”

-

After a lot of debating, they finally left me to sleep on the sofa. I didn’t want to take anyone’s bed. My misery was self-inflicted and I didn’t want anyone else to suffer because of it. Kris moved Alicia’s travel cot into his room and left her to get herself to sleep which, like the very good girl she is, she did easily after just a few minutes. Lorna and Zak disappeared into her room to argue almost as soon as I agreed to stay, and Cameron left as soon as I declined his offer to sleep in his bed. I dozed off but woke up only half an hour later to voices in the kitchen. It was Kris and Archie.
“Is she asleep?” Archie asked. I couldn’t tell if he was talking about me or Alicia. I kept my eyes closed.
“Yeah.” Kris responded. I heard the tap turn on as he filled a glass with water. There was a long silence, only broken by the sound of Archie munching on some crisps. He stopped suddenly.
“Did you feel how thin she’s got?” He asked Kris. I stopped breathing and went utterly still so I didn’t miss a word that Kris said in response.
“Yes.” He said slowly, the word leaving his lips like a hiss.
“Are you worried?” Archie asked quietly. He started eating his crisps again. The rustle of the bag blocked out whatever Kris whispered in response.
“That’s what she said but-” Archie started to reply to what I hadn’t heard but Kris cut him off.
“Listen, Archie, I have to trust her. If I don’t then she gets worse. You didn’t really experience it last time. I mean, I hardly did. She was her worst when I was away.” He paused, “But Lorna told me that the more you question her or worry about her the worse she gets.”
“So you’re just going to leave her to starve herself?” Archie sounded disgusted.
“She isn’t starving herself. She’s just stressed.” Kris was defending me but I could tell he didn’t believe it himself.
“I’ll see if I agree tomorrow. She won’t be going home. It’s a blizzard outside.” Archie responded. I felt myself frown. Why does he even care? We aren’t that good friends. Not like him and Lorna anyway.
“Don’t make it obvious you’re watching her. Trust me it will be the biggest mistake.”
“I’m not stupid. I’ll just hang out with her and see how she-” He stopped talking. I didn’t realise why until I heard the click of the bathroom door closing and realised someone must have woken up.
“Archie don’t say anything to anyone. It will just make everything worse.” Kris whispered to him. Archie must have shook his head because I heard Kris thank him. “If she gets worse, I’ll talk to her.”
“Good, because if you don’t then I will.” Archie said, scrunching up the crisp packet and putting it in the bin. A moment later I heard Archie’s door to my old room close. Kris got something out of the cupboard and then his door closed too. I pulled myself up on the couch, wondering why Archie was talking like that. Why does he even care? I looked at the clock. It was only half 12. The light above the cooker was on so I could still see my surroundings pretty well. I stood up, thinking I needed to do something to stop the thoughts whirling round and round inside my head. The bathroom door handle went down again and my head shot up to look in that direction. I’d completely forgotten somebody had even gone in there and it was only a minute ago. Lorna walked out. She stared at me, in her penguin pyjamas. I braced myself, waiting for some sort of spiteful comment but she just stomped into her room.

-

By 6am it was pretty obvious that I wasn’t going to get any more sleep than the half an hour I’d had earlier. I’d just sat on the sofa, staring at the opposite wall, until 3am when I decided I might as well watch some tv. There wasn’t anything on, obviously, because it was the middle of the night. But Madagascar 2 was in the dvd player and seeing as I’d never watched that before I thought I’d give it a go. Once it had finished, I browsed the internet on my phone for a while and then decided I should get up. I walked through to the bathroom, initially deciding to just sort myself out as best as I can by washing my face, but then I saw the stack of clean fluffy towels and the thought of a nice warm shower was too tempting. I still hadn’t completely warmed up after my night in the forest. I had the shower practically on the hottest setting so that my skin was red raw by the end of it, but I was finally warm which was a good thing. The bathroom was filled with steam which kept me feeling warm as I got myself dressed again. I looked down at my side which still hurt from last night, but there wasn’t any sign of damage. That was good, at least.
I was thankful that someone, either Lorna or Natalie, or maybe even Kris, still kept an emergency supply of make-up in the bathroom. I was able to cover the bags under my eyes and add colour to my cheeks. I then found a brush and combed through my hair, towel drying it as best as I could, before shoving it up into a bun on my head. I obviously didn’t look amazing, but I looked closer to normal than I had. I tidied up after myself, put the towel in the washing basket, and then left the bathroom. I only killed about 20 minutes but at least I felt a bit better about myself. I went into the sitting room and folded up the blanket I’d been using, placing it into the cupboard under the tv where it’s kept. I then fluffed up the pillows and opened the curtains. I gasped as I did. It was still dark outside as it was hardly even half 6, but I could see the snow clearly. It was very thick and heaps of it was still falling from the sky. It looked like Archie was right, I’m not going home in this weather. I just hoped that we had enough nappies and food for Alicia. She’s have to wear the same clothes as yesterday as I didn’t have anything else here, but that’s fine. I turned off the light above the cooker and turned on the main light. Now that I could see properly I started tidying bits away. Empty sweet rappers on the side, dishes left out to dry on the rack but never put away. It didn’t take me long but the flat looked pretty tidy. I glanced at the clock hoping I’d killed away enough time for it to be nearly time for someone to wake up. It wasn’t even 7 yet.
Great.
I flicked the switch on the kettle, not bothered about how loud the damn thing is. My stomach gurgled and I ignored it. And then I stopped. I thought for a second before I came to the painful conclusion. I’m going to have to eat normally today to get Archie off my back. It was the only thing I could do. I debated with myself for a few minutes. Should I eat now? Give my stomach the satisfaction? Or wait till other people are up and I can prove it to them?
I looked around in the cupboards to see what there was but every time I reached for something my heart rate increased too much and my blood ran cold. I couldn’t do it. I could not physically bring myself to eat anything. To distract myself I sipped on the boiling hot tea, embracing the pain that erupted over my tongue.
I heard a cry from Kris’ room and my head shot up. Alicia was awake. It was nearly quarter past 7 and to her that’s milk-o-clock. I looked around to where I’d tidied Kris’ supplies of bottles and formula earlier and poured some hot water from the already boiled kettle into a bottle. I then added the right amount of scoops of formula and shook it up before placing it in cold water to cool down enough for her to drink it. I could hear Kris trying to calm her down but it wasn’t working. I walked over to his door and gently knocked on it before walking in.
“Morning.” I whispered, not wanted to hurt his head as he only just woke up. It was the first time I’d spoken all day and my voice felt hoarse.
“Hey. Why are you up?” He asked, looking me up and down. I could see him analysing the fact that I was dressed, had make up on and wet hair.
“Couldn’t sleep. I’m making her a bottle. Let me have her, you can go back to bed for a bit.” I said, reaching out for Alicia. She seemed only too willing having not had a cuddle from me in almost 24 hours, and when Kris pulled her closer towards himself she only got more worked up.
“Kris, come on.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
I could see him debating whether or not to let me have her.
“Okay.” He passed her over to me. “But I’m not tired, I’ll come too.” He shrugged on a zip-up jacket and followed me and Alicia out of the room. I hugged her closer to me, her crying already having stopped the moment I had hold of her.
“Oh crap!” Kris looked outside the window. I followed his gaze and sighed as I saw the snow had somehow got even thicker. I’ve never known weather like this. I bet the whole country’s going into panic mode.
“I know.” I mumbled. “Very annoying because you, Mrs, are going to have to wear the same clothes as yesterday. And so am I!” I said to Alicia in mock annoyance. She just smiled at me.
“No, she isn’t.” Kris said in response. I looked up. “Lorna gave us a lot of Becky’s old clothes. They’re in a draw in my room.”
I was taken aback by this information.
“Oh. That’s… nice of her.” I said, and it was truthful. Kris looked shocked by what I’d said but I ignored it. It was nice of her even if I hated her guts right now.
“Yeah.” He agreed. I sat on the sofa with Alicia waiting for her bottle to cool down whilst Kris continued to stare out the window. After a few minutes he turned to me.
“Ready to tell me what happened last night yet?” He asked, and there was no sign of anger in his voice. I knew that if I said no he’d let it drop.
“No.” I replied. I was right.
“Thanks for almost slipping up and telling everyone about Karl by the way!” Kris said sarcastically. I couldn’t help but laugh.
“I’m really sorry! I didn’t even realise I said it.” I was still laughing. Kris smiled too.
“No, me neither until Lorna questioned it.”
“Do you reckon she caught on?” I asked Kris. He shook his head.
“Lorna can’t let something drop. If she thought there was anything suspicious about it she’d have asked!” He said, and I knew he was right. Lorna’s probably the nosiest person I’ve ever met in my life.
“Rhys came through to talk to me after you went to sleep.” Kris said after another silence.
“He did?” This was news to me. I’d only slept for half an hour so it must have been then, because no one else had been up and out of their room since half 12.
“Yeah. He said he was worried.” Kris replied. “Wanted me to tell him what had happened.”
“And did you?” I asked curiously. His silence told me that he had. I sighed.
“Well he did seem really worried.” Kris defended his actions. I just shrugged.
“It’s okay, Kris. I’d have probably done the same.” I replied. He just nodded back.
“I was more annoyed that he got Alicia to go to sleep and I couldn’t.” He said after a brief pause. I raised my eyebrows at him, his jealousy one hundred per cent clear.
“Alicia doesn’t know he’s done anything wrong.” I reminded him. “She used to see him all the time, and now that she never does she’s double happy when she’s around him. It sucks, but we can’t help it.”
He nodded his head. I stood up and passed Alicia over to Kris whilst I sorted her bottle out. Once I’d checked it was a reasonable temperature I handed it to Kris and let him feed her. Then I decided to do something that actually made my heart jump up to my throat.
My voice was shaky, but I managed to ask, “Do you mind if I make some toast?”. Kris’ head immediately snapped up and I tried to hide the anger I felt flash through me.
“Of course not. Go ahead.” He said and I started putting bread in the toaster.
“Do you want any?” I asked.
“No thanks.” He replied, so I just put in two slices for me. I could feel my hand shaking as I pressed down the toaster. Kris was watching me closely from the other side of the room so I tried to hide the fear I felt at what I’d just done by stretching my hands behind my back and acting nonchalant. It eventually popped up and I felt queasy as I spread butter over it. But I kept my cool. I walked back over to Kris without a care in the world, or so he thought, and took my first bite. The moment I swallowed my body reflexively heaved but I suppressed the urge to purge. I took another bite before I could even think about it. Both slices were gone in minutes and I washed them down with my now cold cup of tea. But I didn’t care. I needed to get the breakfast to go down and to stay down. Which it did. I almost felt proud of myself.
Kris was smiling at me. I frowned.
“What?”
“Nothing.” He said, but he carried on smiling and I could tell I’d done what I’d planned to do. His suspicions were retreating. I’d succeeded.

-

“What do you want?”
“You left your coat here.”
“I know.”
“Did you get home in the snow?”
“No I’m at halls.”
“Oh.”
“What do you want?”
“I’m sorry I hurt you.”
I stayed silent. I was sat alone in the sitting room. It was almost noon and Arrow had phoned me. Everybody was still in the flat because of the horrendous snow outside. Everyone except Kris who had gone off to do his first radio show of the semester, as the studio was only down the corridor.
“Gaby?” His voice sounded rough. I was pretty sure he was sober, and that this was the first time I’d ever spoken to him sober, because he’d never shown the slightest bit of care towards me before.
“Yeah I’m still here.” I mumbled back.
“What are you doing today?” He sounded desperate.
“I’m staying put. Have you seen the weather?” I stared out the window. It was still coming down like a blizzard. The news had pretty much told everyone to stay inside just to be safe.
“I know.” He paused. “I want to see you.”
I paused. I kind of wanted to see him too. Being here has not been fun so far. The stress I’m feeling is ridiculous and the idea of seeing Arrow was exhilarating.
“Me too.” I finally replied. “But I can’t today.”
“Fuck the weather, Gaby, I’ll come get you!” He seemed angry. I was confused now.
“What the hell is wrong?”
He was silent for ages. I could almost picture him, sitting in his tiny flat, alone and sober.
“I’m out of money.”
I understood now. He wanted me to pay for his fix. Or wanted some of my stash. I felt frustrated now. I actually thought he wanted my company for a minute there.
“And?”
“I can’t just sit around here all day without anything.” He replied roughly. I groaned.
“Well don’t be stupid, I’m not paying for you. Go out and work for it.” I snapped back.
“Gaby, you still owe me-”
“I owe you fuck all.” I replied angrily. I heard something break on the other end of the phone and felt a bit of fear before I realised he’s miles away from me. He can’t get me here. There was a brief silence only disturbed by his heavy breathing.
“Gaby. Please.” His tone of voice had changed completely.
“No, Az. I can’t leave here today. You’ll have to ask someone else.” I responded, calming down myself. I heard a door open behind me on the corridor and turned to see Lorna walking out of her room.
“There’s no one else for me to ask.” Arrow replied quietly. He sounded so desperate but I could hardly focus on him. I was too worried that Lorna had overheard our conversation. She was giving me a puzzled look.
“I have to go.” I said quickly down the phone. I heard Arrow protest but I’d already hung up. He immediately tried calling me back but I put my phone on silent and turned it over so I could ignore it.

“Who was that?” Lorna asked, standing slightly behind me. I turned to her.
“No one that matters.” I replied. It was the first time I’d seen Lorna today. She was dressed casually in leggings and a long jumper top.
“Where’s Alicia?” She asked me, sounding a little wary. I took a deep breath before replying, knowing that if I didn’t I’d end up snapping at her and I didn’t want an argument.
“Asleep in Kris’ room.” I said. She nodded and turned to go to the kitchen. I knelt up on the sofa. “Er, thanks… For all the baby stuff. Kris showed it me and it’s all really nice.” I didn’t want to say it, but I had to. It was all really nice stuff and it would just be double rude if I didn’t thank her. She smiled at me.
“No problem.”
I didn’t return the smile. I’d done enough. I didn’t want her to think I was being friends with her again. I was just being civil.
I heard Archie coming back down the corridor. He’d only left me about 10 minutes ago because he wanted to shower, but Archie being a boy got ready pretty quickly.
“Morning Archie!” Lorna said brightly from behind me. I didn’t bother turning to look at her.
“It’s not morning anymore, Lorna dear.” He replied pointing at the clock. It was quarter past 12.
“Is for me. I just had the best sleep ever.” She said back. I rolled my eyes. Lucky for some.
“Where’s Zackary?”
“Skyping his brother.”
“What time did you guys stop fighting?” Archie asked, being nosey. “For a little while I thought you’d have to share with me. Which, you know, I wouldn’t have said no to.” I sensed rather than saw him wink.
“Shut up Arch.” She snapped back.
“I’m surprised you haven’t gone out to make snow angels yet.” Archie said, and he walked over in front of me to look out the window. I heard Lorna gasp as she must have seen the blizzard outside.
“Oh wow, that’s bad!” She said, but I could hear the excitement in her voice. She rushed over to the window and beamed. I stood up to look as well, purely because I was curious. I saw Lorna give me a look because I was getting involved.
“I hope I can go home tomorrow. I really don’t want to wear the same clothes 3 days running.” I mumbled sadly.
“I have clothes you can wear?” Lorna offered. I ignored her and walked over to the kitchen. I saw Archie watching me so started raiding the cupboards. I didn’t want to eat again but I needed to prove a point. I found a can of peaches and held them up.
“Whose are these?” I asked Archie, he shrugged and turned to Lorna so I followed his gaze.
“Pretty sure they were yours.” She said slowly. I opened my mouth in shock.
“I haven’t lived here in months!” I said laughing. I checked the date on the tin, they still had a month left. I saw Archie raise his eyebrows, probably wondering if I’d eat them. I peeled the lid open and tucked in. They tasted good. Deliciously sweet and juicy. I hated it.
“Should we ration the food?” Lorna asked, turning to look outside again.
“I don’t think it’s that bad.” Archie laughed. I smiled too. I love how much us Brits freak out at a little bit of snow. Lorna was a perfect example of that.
“You never know.” She stuck her tongue out at him. “So what shall we do?”
“Scrabble?”
“Boring.” Me and Lorna both said at the exact same time. She smiled, I frowned.
“I still feel cold from last night.” I mumbled, flicking the kettle on. Archie and Lorna shared a glance and I realised they’d probably been waiting for me to bring it up. Now the questions would start. Well that was dumb of me.
“Well, you were out in freezing temperatures without a coat!” Archie said, rolling his eyes. I just shrugged.
“Where did you leave your coat then? Because you had one on in the morning when you went to work.” He said. It was a trick question and he knew it. If I answered where I left my coat I answered where I’d been last night.
“Just somewhere.” I said, pouring the boiling hot water into a cup. “Anyone else want a cuppa?”
Lorna made a disgusted noise. I forgot she hated tea.
“No thanks.” Arch replied.
“Yes please!” Zak said, emerging from Lorna’s room. I smiled at him and got out a cup for him. He walked up to Lorna and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her cheek. I had to turn away. I liked Zak as long as he wasn’t with her. Seeing them together made me cringe.
“How did you sleep Gabs?” Zak asked, his arms still around Lorna’s waist.
“Oh, fabulously.” I said sarcastically. “Ended up watching Madagascar 2 at 3am. It was good.”
Lorna laughed. Of course it was probably her dvd. I was about to make a sarcastic comment when suddenly she gasped, rushing around to the kitchen sink and flicking the radio on. Me and Archie shared a confused look.
“I forgot Kris was on this morning!” She said, a sudden realisation. She easily tuned it up to the college’s station and Kris’ Irish twang boomed out. I glanced at the clock. His slot was almost over. Only five minutes left.
“…I for one love the snow. The more the merrier I say.”
I rolled my eyes. Kris is dumb. Snow is horrible. I hate snow.
”One of my best friends absolutely hates the snow though, and I mean hates, and now she’s stranded in our flat until it melts. So I’m guessing she hates it even more now.
Laughter. I smiled too. It was totally true.
”So kiddies, play safe. Don’t be throwing any pesky snowballs, the uni has a pretty strict policy on that which I learnt the hard was in my first year. And remember, the SU bar are giving out drinks half price tonight to celebrate the blizzard! Over and out.
Music started playing and I knew that he would be back in a few minutes. Lorna turned down the radio so it was just background noise, looking a little disappointed that she’d missed the whole show.
“Half price drinks, that’s always fun.” Archie said, nodding in approval. I smiled and nodded too. I always forget that there’s an entrance to the SU bar through the college. I usually use the outdoor entrance because it’s actually easier and faster, but we do have a way of getting to it indoors. It would be so busy though.
“Sounds good.” Zak said nodding. I didn’t want to say anything. Either way, someone was going to have to stay up here with Alicia and I was pretty sure it would end up being me.
“We could always get drinks and bring them up here so whoever’s with Alicia isn’t alone.” Lorna suggested, like she was reading my mind. My eyes actually widened. If it wasn’t for the fact that I was sure mind reading didn’t exist I would have sworn she had just done it.
Once again she was being kind to me.
“Sounds good.” I said smiling reluctantly.
“What does?” Kris walked through the door. He was much faster than I expected. The song he put on hadn’t even ended yet. In fact, it hadn’t even got to the chorus yet! I was about to question how he’d done it when Archie started talking.
“Blizzard party.” Archie said, smiling. I frowned.
“More like a gathering. I don’t want no blind drunks around my daughter.” I said, pointing at him like I meant business. Kris smiled.
“With the half price drinks from the SU.” Zak explained. Kris nodded in approval.
“Fabulous. But what do we do till then? The SU isn’t open till 6.”
We all looked at the clock simultaneously. It was 12:35. This is going to be the longest, slowest day of my life. I walked over to the coffee table to look at my phone and saw I had five missed calls from Arrow. I so desperately wanted to find a way to escape, just for a few hours, and see him. All the thoughts from last night slipped out of my mind. It wasn’t a foolish idea. Surely if it makes me happy it’s a good thing. I was shocked at myself. Was that really the only way I could be happy now?
“Lunch?” Lorna suggested, her voice brought me back to reality. Both Kris and Archie looked at me straight away, I mean jeez! Make it more obvious! They didn’t even know I knew about their conversation, but they weren’t hiding the extent of their conversation very well so far.
“What?” I asked them both, trying to act confused.
“I was just wondering if I should get Alicia up for lunch.” Kris lied smoothly. I wish I could lie that well. If I didn’t know otherwise I’d have actually believed him.
“Yeah, sure. Good idea.” I said, and just to make Archie’s comments even more moot I added, “Shall I make everyone something? I don’t mind.”
“I can do it.” Lorna started, but I shook my head. Even though I knew it would be torturous to cook the food, I wanted to prove a point. She smiled at me, probably thinking that I was starting to forgive her. My expression turned cold. The smile dropped off her face.
“So what should I make?” I asked, looking at everyone except Lorna. She noticed. She took a step back. Good. I will never forgive her. Just because I’m forced to stay in this flat, in her company, doesn’t mean we will be friends by the end of this. It’s just a very unfortunate occurrence.

Lorna's POV

I marched into my bedroom and slammed the door behind me. It whacked Zak in the side. He hadn’t managed to catch it quickly enough when he stormed in after me. Here we go …
“Usually when someone slams their door shut people take the hint and stay the fuck away” I hissed spitefully.
“For fuck sake Lorna!” Zak retorted, slamming the door himself now. “I thought Kris told me that you were the one telling everyone else to stop being immature earlier!” That was true. I had done. I couldn’t be bothered arguing with him. I clambered onto my bed and sat against the wall. I pulled my knees up to my chest and grabbed my teddy bear from beside my pillow.
“You, telling people not to be immature!” He scoffed making me feel so pathetic. Tears flooded my eyes. I hate it when he’s angry at me. I’m not responding to that. Instead I looked away from him and fiddled with my teddy’s ear instead. I smiled slightly as I noticed how wrecked his ears were. It made me think of Alicia and Alvin and how she kept eating his ear earlier and how I obviously must’ve done the same to my favourite stuffed toy when I was little. “Are you just going to ignore me?” Zak asked. I said nothing. I’m not talking to him when he’s being a dick like that. I looked up at him quickly for a second just to see what he was doing. He was stood there in the middle of my room. He clearly hadn’t calmed down any. I looked up at him again and saw him doing his usual. His facial expressions were changing along with the thoughts in his head. He kept shaking his head in disbelief.
“Zak, just say it out loud” I snapped. “You’re pissing me off!”
“I just can’t believe you.” He laughed, though not in a humorous way. “What part of your deluded mind thought that was the appropriate time to say all that?!” He asked.
“I can’t stand everyone babying her.” I snapped. My eyes now focussed on my tatty pink teddy bear again rather than Zak.
“You not telling her in the first place was you babying her!” Zak bit back.
“I thought I was doing the right thing!” I retorted. I am sick of saying that. Surely someone must get it?
“Well you thought wrong didn’t you.” He said harshly. I exhaled violently. I was so mad at him. I have lost count of the amount of times we’ve had this debate now. He keeps changing his mind. Sometimes he says he understands why I didn’t tell Gaby and then others he acts like I made the biggest mistake anyone has ever made in the history of the world. We stayed quiet for a while. He still didn’t turn to face me. It was as though he was so angry at me he couldn’t even bare to look at me. I couldn’t understand where this anger had me had come from.
“I apologise for my outburst but I meant every single word.” I said, trying to stay calm.
“I’m not saying what you said wasn’t true” Zak stated harshly. “It was just the way you screamed it at her.”
“Look Zak, I’m sorry I just don’t agree with everyone else babying her.” I repeated again. “She needed to hear that. Did you see the state of her?!” I asked, picturing her in my head. “She looked ILL. She definitely was not ‘just at the CSU’ and has everyone else forgotten what they heard on the phone no less than” I paused and looked at my iPod speaker that sits beside my bed – I use it as more of a clock and a charger than a speaker, “40 minutes ago?!! Kris and Archie just seem to have forgotten about this “him” and “he” that she kept harping about on the phone. Rhys was here! So it wasn’t him. I can’t stand Kris’ new ‘if she doesn’t want to talk about it she doesn’t have to’ attitude that seems to have appeared from nowhere.”
“But-“ Zak tried to speak but I just continued to talk.
“Zak, she has a 5 and a half month old daughter. Yeah, life’s shit right now but-” I exhaled loudly. “I’ve seen Alicia more than she has in the past few days! Yeah, I’ve fucked up. Yeah, Natalie and Rhys fucked each other but I hate this self-pitying mess than she’s become. Hiding in the forest when snows everywhere, not even wearing a jacket and sounding like she’s off her face?! She has everything to live for. She’s got the most beautiful, clever little girl who was eagerly waiting on her coming back from work tonight and she just doesn’t seem to give a shit. I just want her to realise how much she’s got!” I snapped, getting frustrated. Zak finally sat down, perching himself at the end of my bed. “It just makes me so mad.”
“She’s in a bad place right now” Zak said calmly. As usual everyone was making excuses for Gaby.
“Zak, I would kill to have what she’s got. She just cannot see how lucky she is.” I let Zak think about what I had said. “I love Gaby to pieces. You know that! But sometimes you’ve got to be cruel to be kind.” I shouted. “I feel so guilty when I see Alicia. I thought telling Gaby when she was pregnant would be the worst thing in the world, that she’d harm herself and somehow end up harming the then unborn Alicia. I was so convinced I was doing the right thing.” I explained quietly. I was very aware that absolutely everyone was in the flat right now. It was weird. I don’t remember the last time all 9, 10 if you include Alicia, had ever been all here at the same time. I don’t even know if there ever have been. “Now, I know I was wrong. I watched Rhys grow so close to Alicia, I watched Gaby fall for him more and still I said nothing. I honestly believed Natalie and Rhys were done until I was in hospital. I promise you Zak I thought they were done so I let the relationship run its course and now things are worse than I ever thought they would be.” I pulled my bobble out of my hair as it was already falling down. I don’t think Zak even knew what he could say. I’m pretty sure there is absolutely nothing anyone can say or do to fix things. I ran both my hands through my hair and pulled at the roots. I just wish that I could shut my eyes, open them and everything would be okay again.
“I do understand what she’s going through. Look back a few months. I was there. I turned to that vodka bottle to help me forget what happened during summer. I was such a mess.” I said. “I am not going to sit back and watch Gaby make the same mistakes. If I hadn’t gotten myself in to such a state in the days leading up to when Kyle pushed me, I would never have been at Asda on my own that night when I bumped into him. He’d never have pushed me.” I spoke carefully.
I closed my eyes and my head played those horrible weeks back to me in fast forward. Just like not telling Gaby about Rhys and Natalie the way I acted back then was another lifelong regret.
“Watching you with Alicia today –“ I gulped. “I don’t know how to explain it. You’re just so good with her and it breaks my heart all over again as I think about how we could’ve had that and then here’s Gaby, she has Alicia and then fucks off all night without a care in the world about the little baby she’s left back home. I’m still not over the drugs from the other night either.” I said. “She’s risking her future with Alicia by doing ridiculous things like that. I know I’ve said this all before but if she was to get caught-” again I let the end of my statement hang. Talking about that was unbearable. “I don’t think I’d cope if Alicia was taken out of Gaby’s care.” I breathed out. It was unthinkable. I think I’d said everything I wanted to say. I looked over at Zak. He was still perched on the corner of my bed facing my bedroom door. I couldn’t see any of his facial expressions just the back of his head. I looked back down at Rattles – my teddy bear – again. Oh how I wish life could just go back to when I was little! Life was simple. Even just going back to when I first moved here would be better. I could give it another go. I could make everything better.
I jumped slightly when Zak put his arm around me. I hadn’t seen or felt him move over to sit at my side. I leant my head down onto his shoulder.
“I’m sorry I made you mad.” I sighed.
“It’s not just you.” He said. He still didn’t sound like his regular cheery self. “It’s all of it. Life’s just one drama after another.”
“Tell me about it!” I sighed.
We sat there in silence for what felt like a very long time. Zak picked up my hand and from his chest and started playing with it, tickling it, intertwining our fingers together. My thoughts ran away with themselves as I wondered what was happening in the rest of the flat; who was asleep, who was still chatting and who was lying awake thinking.
“I still think about it too.” Zak said quietly breaking the silence.
“What?” I asked, we’d been silent for so long I was lost for what he was talking about. His thought pattern had obviously gone in a different direction from mine.
“The baby” He said softly, grabbing my hand tighter as though he thought mentioning it again was going to cause me to break down. “You’ll be a fabulous mum when we get our chance.” He said to me and I smiled.
“And I know you will be a brilliant dad!” I said in return with a smile on my face. “But not for another 10 years!” I laughed, making references to our promises we made to Archie just a few days ago after my hospital appointment.
“Do we really have to wait that long?” Zak asked seriously. I couldn’t help but laugh!
“Maybe not that long.” I teased. “But let me at least get a degree and a decent job first!”
“Okay!” Zak sighed, pretending he was extremely disappointed. I couldn’t help but smile.
“You need to have a decent job by then as well.” I added.
“What?” He said, his tone having completely changed. Uh oh. Ruined the moment.
“I’m just saying I’d rather my baby daddy had a job that he enjoyed”
“I enjoy the call centre!”
“Don’t lie to me.” I said, strongly but not nastily. I didn’t want us to get into another fight. “You didn’t spend 4 years at university for a degree just so you could work in a call centre.”
“No, I didn’t.” He admitted.
“Exactly.” I said. “So, before we have any babies I want you to have a job you actually enjoy!!”
“Okay. So, you’ve to finish your degree and get a decent job and I’ve to get a job that I actual like? ” Zak asked clarifying our conditions, he stuck his hand out to me and I shook it.
“Agreed!” I laughed.
“It’s a deal then” Zak smiled and me and I couldn’t help but smile back. I moved out of Zak’s arm and lay down on the bed and closed my eyes. “Is Lorna Wilson actually tired?!” He asked as he adjusted his own position and lay down beside me on the side closest to the wall facing me.
“Only us pair could go from fighting to making life changing deals” I said, rolling my eyes.
“I’d rather fight with you than make love to anyone else!” Zak winked and I laughed aloud instantly. He wasn’t being extremely soppy. It was a quote from “The Wedding Date” one of my favourite soppy girly films that I had made Zak watch too many times.
“No wonder Archie laughs at us!” I sighed. “We’re pathetic!”
“You love it!” Zak said defensively.
“That I do” I laughed before kissing him.
Kissing that did not stop, hands started going places, items of clothing get tossed onto the floor. I broke us apart.
“I have no condoms in here” I said. Zak didn’t listen and just went back to kissing me. I pulled away from him again. “Zak, breaking our deal on the night that we made it is a bit extreme” I laughed. Zak just responded with a careless shrug. I rolled my eyes. “What has Alicia done to you?!” I giggled. “Archie’s got a supply in the bathroom, I think” I said, leaving the bed. I quickly grabbed my top off of the floor and put it back on quickly before going across to the bathroom. I heard people talking in the kitchen but I couldn’t work out who it was. Their voices were so quiet. I closed the bathroom door behind me and locked it. I searched the shelves below the sink. There were definitely some in here. After fishing around I eventually found a glow in the dark one right at the back of the shelf. I couldn’t help but laugh. I checked that it was still in date, to avoid any accidents before standing up and looking the mirror. I forgot I’d taken my make up off earlier. I grabbed my makeup bag from the shelf below the sink and sat it on the work top and quickly tried to fix my face. I drew a brush quickly through my hair before grabbing the condom from the work top. I opened the bathroom door quietly and stepped out. I looked up the corridor to see if the people chatting from earlier were still there but they must’ve gone to bed. All I could see was Gaby. Stood there looking at me as if she was preparing herself for a fight but I was not going to rise to the bait. Thanks to the snow she would have to stay here tomorrow which at least meant I could be sure the lovely little Alicia was safe. I turned away from her and headed back in to my room. Ready to have some fun with the man I loved most in the world.

---

“Who are you talking to?” Zak asked. I have never been more bored in my life. I quite like hanging in the flat, usually. I think because today I knew I wouldn’t and couldn’t go anywhere I was letting the boredom get to me more. I was lying on the couch with my legs over the top of Zak’s lap. He was sitting watching the football with Arch in the sitting room whilst I was messing around on my laptop. Gaby and Kris were through in Kris’ room with my favourite baby Alicia and the other 4; Cameron, Elliot, Rhys and Natalie had yet to leave their room. They hadn’t even left their room when Archie shouted earlier that lunch was ready. I chapped Elliot’s door and offered him some. He declined instantly when he heard it was Gaby who made it. Cameron was still asleep when I went in to tell him but there was still plenty food for him to get something decent later.
“Your mum” I laughed, knowing Zak would have quite a reaction to this. Since he’s oblivious his mum even has Facebook.
“What?” He said, thinking I was joking.
“That is the worst your mum joke I have ever heard in my life!” Archie laughed.
“I’m not joking!” I said defensively. “2 seconds, I need to make sure she doesn’t say anything that’ll make our chat pop up while you’re looking at my screen” I said as I quickly typed a message to Lisa explaining the situation.
“What are you talking about that I can’t see?!” Zak said sounding weirdly panicked.
“Your birthday” I smiled, innocently. “I’ve been let in on secrets!”
“What?!” Zak sighed disappointedly.
“I don’t know why you sound disappointed!” I teased. “I’m excited for your birthday now too!”
“I want to know!” Archie begged and I turned and laughed. It came out sounding so unlike Archie.
“I promised I wouldn’t say a word” I said smugly, doing the clichéd zipping your mouth shut and throwing away the key thing people do. Archie huffed, you would think it was his birthday!
“Let me see!” Zak pleaded. I couldn’t help but laugh again.
“2 seconds till your mum replies!” I said. I really didn’t want the chat to pop up when I was showing Zak her profile, scared he’d be able to see that his parents have bought him a car for his birthday. He is going to LOVE it. The best thing is he’ll be expecting something small like a DVD or something. His dad has just gotten a massive bonus from his work so according Lisa they decided to treat their “babies” and then go to Hawaii or somewhere like that. Lisa said they hadn’t decided where yet.
“That’ll take her ages!” He said. “She’s crap with computers!”
“She’s not that slow!” I laughed. “Oh! She’s replied. You’re going to love this!” I laughed, pausing before I read out the message. “Ok Sweetie. Speak 2 u l8r”
“Oh god” Zak said, hanging his head in shame. “Wait! Why didn’t she add me?!” He huffed.
Archie and I both laughed in unison. “She said she didn’t want ‘to cramp your style’”
“Oh right. So she can’t add me but she can look my girlfriend up and chat away to her in text speak”
“yeah!” I smiled.
“How did she even find you?!” Zak asked still in disbelief. I handed him my laptop and he looked around her page. First looking through her profile photos. “You’ve got such a common name!”
“Through Caleb’s friend list probably” I explained. “He was the one who set it up for her.”
“What?!” Zak said, just exactly as he had earlier in disbelief again.
“What’d I tell you Zak?” Archie said, joining in to the chat again. “You two are like a married couple! Lorna now speaks to your mum more than you do!” Archie cackled. “And that’s a lot!” He added in. True! The boy does speak to his mum far too much, though I could just be exaggerating because I’m jealous.
“They both added me!” I defended myself so that neither of them thought I was a crazy girlfriend who went around stalking his family on Facebook.
“What’s all this hilarity about?” Kris asked, his voice getting louder as he reached us in the sitting area. Gaby and Alicia were close behind him. God knows what they were doing in there. They’d been gone for over an hour. I really hope they’d had a proper chat about what went on last night.
“Scooney are about to fall out again because Zak’s mum has got Facebook!” Archie said, enjoying this far too much. Just shows how bored we all are! “And-” He began again, “She’s added Lorna and not Zak!” Archie laughed.
“Be thankful she didn’t add you!” Gaby said. “My mum got twitter a few weeks ago and started following me! I already don’t post on Facebook anymore because of all my family members!”
“She’s posted baby photos of me!!” Zak burst loudly, hitting the keys on my laptop in some sort of outraged embarrassment.
“You’re joking?!” Kris said, trying to stop himself from laughing.
“Where?!” I burst. I hadn’t seen them. Bet you he was a cutie!
“At least she can’t tag you in them!” Gaby said, trying to make Zak see a positive in all this. I turned to face her as she spoke and she deliberately looked away from me. Awkward! Alicia was watching me and for the first time, probably ever, I wasn’t desperate for her to reach out for me. Today, it would just make things even more awkward. Archie and Kris had both came over behind the couch probably so they could take the piss out of Zak’s baby photos.
“Shall we read a book?” I heard Gaby asked Alicia. She had clearly caught sight of the small pink toy box that’s now sat to the side of the TV when she was avoiding looking at me! I turned back round to see whether it was definitely Becky’s old books she was going to play with. Some part of me was glad that they were being used again to make another little cutie pie happy! Alicia babbled back to her as usual and I turned to see what Zak was up to now.
“What are you doing?!” I burst out as I saw Zak was putting horrid comments on the photo’s through my account! “Your Auntie Mandy will see that! And lots of other people I’ll need to see in person at this wedding next week!”
“You know my Auntie Mandy” Zak said turning to face me with a serious look on his face. I didn’t know whether he was jokingly mad or actually annoyed at me.
“Yeah, your mum tagged me in a comment when she was chatting to her so she could see “Zakky’s lovely girlfriend”” I said, quoting her words exactly. Kris and Archie both sniggered, still standing looking over the laptop from behind the couch.
“And you didn’t tell me this because?!” Zak asked.
“Ha!” Gaby cackled. “It’s Lorna. What do you expect?” She said, emotionlessly as she sat in the corner with Alicia on her lap. “She’s hardly the best at telling people things, is she?” She continued. Ouch. I felt sick instantly. I thought things had been going okay this morning. Minus a few awkward glances and cold looks. She was being civil. I decided that it was not a good idea to retaliate and stayed quiet. I turned and looked at Zak, telepathically thanking him for his fantastic word choice! He gave me a sympathetic look in return. The other two boys just looked tense as though they were expecting me to bite back but I refuse to lower myself to that level today. Now the whole room was quiet. I could faintly hear the Doctor Who theme tune coming from Elliot’s room. Well we now finally know what he’s being doing all day! What a dork! I tried to formulate some sort of funny comment in my head to break the tension but nothing came to me. It was Gaby who spoke first.
“Shall we read The Gruffalo?” She lovingly asked her daughter. I felt like she was being so attached to Alicia today in some kind of cheeky attempt to prove my accusations from last night wrong.
“We read that one yesterday!” Zak said, speaking more to Alicia than to Gaby. “Didn’t we Alicia?” He said. Alicia’s face instantly lit up as she heard him as if she was only just noticing her loving “Uncle Zak” was in the room.
“You did so!” I said in a sweet voice addressing Alicia rather than Gaby. I made sure I spoke up refusing to let Gaby put me down and make me go quiet.
“I’m sure there are lots of other books in that box though!” Kris said, now joining in in an attempt to diffuse the awkward situation. He moved over towards where Alicia and Gaby had sat on the floor and sat down beside them, quickly bringing stuff out of the box. Drama Averted.

---
“Why won’t it stop snowing?” I complained. I want to go outside and mess around in the snow but it still hasn’t stopped or even got any lighter!
No one even answered. I feel like a caged animal trapped in this flat! I was sat on the couch watching some crappy daytime TV about people renovating their houses. Cameron – who had eventually gotten up and had some lunch - had gone back through to his room to Skype family from home. I always find it strange when everyone’s Skyping people from home. I don’t imagine me ever doing that with Aly. We are definitely not that kind of family as much as I wished we would be. Zak was beside me on the couch playing with Alicia of course. I have well and truly given him baby fever. He’s obsessed. Gaby being here made me almost reluctant to play with Alicia in fear of the spiteful comments that she would end up making. Today, in contrast with yesterday, I was practically ignoring her. She seemed to realise this as well which made me sad.
“I’m going to start getting Alicia’s bottle ready” Gaby said standing up off of the couch.
“Can I do it?” I asked, I never even thought about who I was speaking to before I burst out with my question. I wasn’t going to let the opportunity to actually do something pass me by!
“Yeah, if you want” Gaby said, sounding indifferent. I jumped up from the couch and headed into the kitchen. Although Gaby had told me I could do it she still followed me up into the kitchen as if I couldn’t be trusted. Does she not realise how many times I’ve done this for her daughter in the past few days.
I opened the cupboard door and took the box of formula out. I removed the lid from the box and sat it down on the work surface. Then I turned to my side still holding the now open tub of formula. I needed to get the bottle out of …
I screeched loudly having completely lost my balance.
The next thing I knew my head had clattered off of the work surface and I was lying on the floor completely covered in the tub of formula that I had desperately tried to save!
“You tripped me!” I shouted at Gaby accusingly. It was her foot. She had stuck her foot out in front of me to make me fall.
“Lorna, we all know you’re clumsy!” Gaby said, sounding bitchy.
“Are you okay?” Kris asked. Zak appeared from thin air at my side to help me get up.
“Is your head okay?” Zak asked looking extremely concerned.
“Yes my head is fine.” I said harshly. I turned to look at Gaby and she smiled at me. An icy cold harsh smile. She tripped me and she knew it.
“I’ll need to go to the shop” I said, as I brushed the formula powder on to the floor and when I got back I was also going to need to hoover up all this powder.
“I’ll go.” Gaby said. “She’s my daughter! My responsibility” She continued, clearly trying too hard to prove she was actually doing her job today!
“I’ll go.” I said stubbornly. “I’ve got a list of stuff I want to get anyway.” I said, gesturing to the list I had made earlier out of boredom.
“Lorna, honestly it’s fine! You don’t need to buy us new stuff just because you spilt it. It happens!” Gaby said, being far too nice to me.
“You tripped me” I repeated. Kris and Zak both shared a look as if there were trying to gauge if the other had seen what had happened.
“Why are you trying to stir things up?” Gaby said spitefully.
“I am not!” I objected. “You tripped me!” I repeated.
“No I didn’t!” Gaby bit back harshly.
“Yes you did!”
“I didn’t!”
“You did!” I snapped back as we continued on like children.
“Stop!” Kris interjected. “Accidents happen Lorna.” My eyes widened in shock. Does he actually think I’m lying?!
“It wasn’t an accident!” I said, my voice getting higher as I vented my frustration.
“Babe, you’ll have tripped over your own 2 feet!” Zak said, running his hand through my hair. “You know what you’re like”
“I DIDN’T!” I shouted so loudly.
Gaby exhaled loudly as if this childish argument was beneath her. “Believe what you want to believe Lorna.” She said, rolling her eyes, making me feel so tiny and pathetic. I opened my mouth to speak before Gaby got one over on me again. “Oh just go rant to Natalie!” She hissed. Without even giving it a second thought I launched myself at her. I only managed to grab her hair and tug it once before the boys had us separated. Zak lifted me up. My arms still reaching out viciously trying to get to Gaby but Zak already had me metres away from her. I tried my hardest to wrestle myself out of his grip – kicking and flapping my arms - but he had such a strong hold on me I couldn’t break free.
“Would you behave yourself.” He muttered into my ear. He sounded absolutely disgusted with me. He dumped me down in the corner of the living room. He held his hand out like a stop sign. I felt like a little puppy who was being taught how to “stay!”. I feel sick. The strangest mixture of both anger and embarrassment rushed through my system. I watched Kris and Gaby talking in the kitchen. I watched Gaby try her hardest to manipulate Kris. She’s always had him wrapped around her little finger! They looked like they were arguing but it seemed as though Gaby was winning. Zak sat down on the couch nearest to where he had dumped me down onto the floor. I turned away from Zak and brought my legs up to my chest wrapping my arms around them. Why is it I’ve ended up looking like the bitch yet again?!

---

I started blinking repetitively as Zak flapped his hand about in front of my face to wake me from my daze.
“Are you okay?” He asked, seeming genuinely concerned. Trust me to go and bash my head on the very first day Zak decides to lighten up about my pills! I had been sat on the floor staring out of the window now for at least 20 minutes. I guess I must’ve phased out. I just cannot believe what just happened! What hurt me most of all is that Zak didn’t even believe me.
“Yeah” I muttered. I finally mustered up the courage to turn around to look at the rest of the room. Only Cameron and Zak were still here in the sitting area.
“Where did everyone go?” I asked.
“Gaby and Kris went to the shop.” Cameron said. Well duh! As if I didn’t know that since we now had practically no formula and apparently that’s “all my fault!” “The unsociable 3-” He began, of course meaning Natalie, Rhys and Elliot. “are all still in their rooms!” Cameron explained. “Arch is still round at his mates” He added on as an extra. At least the lovely Archie doesn’t think I’m a bitch, for now anyway. Not until he gets back and Gaby turns him against me too.
Zak put his hand on my head and started to play with my hair but I quickly pulled myself away making it perfectly clear I was not happy with him. I was pissed off that he didn’t believe me. I’m his girlfriend, the one he was making life-long plans with last night, but yet again he’s taken Gaby’s side. I feel like shit. My closest friends here in Hollyoaks had all sided against me with Gaby who well and truly hates me at the moment. The front door flew open and Kris stood there were 8 Drive ‘n’ Buy bags. He must’ve at least taken my extensive list then! He dropped them instantly and flexed his hands. They were all red from where the plastic bags had clearly been cutting into his skin.
“Tell me Gaby is here.” Kris said, clearly already knowing that she wasn’t.
“What?” Zak asked. As if he even needed an explanation.
“She’s gone.” Kris said. “I was paying for our things in Drive ‘n’ Buy, she said she was going to step out for some fresh air, when I left the shop and she was gone.”
“I knew it!” I snapped so loudly. What did I tell them?! She tripped me up, on purpose! “I told you all she tripped me so that I would spill that formula! She wanted out of here!” I explained maliciously.
“But for what?” Kris said, his high stress levels showing through his harsh tone of voice.
“To go meet him!” I said. I knew I was right.
“Who?!” Zak, Cameron and Kris all said at the same time.
“The guy she was harping on about on the phone last night! The guy she was on the phone to this morning!” I said. “She called him ‘Az’”

Gaby's POV

My phone seemed to be buzzing none stop. Of course it was all from Arrow. I replied when I could, but it wasn’t often. Lorna seemed to be watching me a lot today, not to mention Kris and Archie. I started to wonder if maybe they’d spoken to her too, got her into the spy crew. It made me feel sick. I didn’t like the fact that the others seemed to think something was wrong… And I hated the thought of Lorna pretending to care. I glanced at my most recent text. It was Arrow saying he’d found money and that I could still meet him. I replied saying that I would find a way. I needed to find a way. I looked at the clock. Almost 5. Alicia would be having her tea soon. I couldn’t leave now. There was no reason to leave. How was I meant to escape this hell hole with 3 spies keeping me locked in? Lorna started tapping her nails against the coffee table impatiently, casually glancing towards Zak and Alicia every now and then but darting her eyes in the opposite direction as though it was forbidden. I stared at her for a while, but she didn’t notice. Everyone was bored, being cooped up in this flat, it was obvious. Everybody wanted something to do and all I wanted was out. But how could I even do that? Not really having any ideas I stood up to do something.
“I’m going to start getting Alicia’s bottle ready.”
“Can I do it?” Lorna jumped to her feet right away, then she seemed to realise who she was talking to and looked as though she regretted her actions. I was about to say no but then decided being a bitch to her wasn’t worth it.
“Yeah, if you want..” I said back, hoping to sound indifferent. I followed her through to the kitchen making it look like I was there to help her out if she didn’t know what to do, but she’d looked after Alicia multiple times I knew she was perfectly capable of making her bottle. I was really trying to find some way for me to escape. I needed to do something that required me to leave the flat and only me. Lorna opened the tub of formula and turned to get something out of the cupboard when an idea flashed in front of my mind. It was totally stupid and reckless, and it would cost me money I don’t have. That tub was only bought two days ago, it was practically full seeing as Alicia isn’t really here for many meal times. And if it turned out the shop was closed because of the snow we’d be screwed. But then I realised I could just say I’d go back to mine and get some. That’s an even better excuse! I could be longer that way.
Before Lorna could turn and put the formula back on the side I casually stood so that my foot would get in her way. It worked. She fell to the floor, banging her head on the way, and suddenly the kitchen looked as white as outside. Coughing and spluttering Lorna turned her head to look at me. I tried to look surprised by this turn of events. I noticed Zak rushing over to see what had happened.
“You tripped me!” She shouted accusingly. Even though it was true and I could easily make out I’d done it accidentally I decided to act like Queen Bitch.
“Lorna, we all know you’re clumsy..”
“Are you okay?” Kris had appeared now. Zak crouched down by Lorna’s side and started questioning her about her head. Suddenly my stomach dropped and I got the worst feeling of guilt ever. How the hell had I completely forgotten about Lorna’s accident? She’d just banged her head very hard and it was because of me. This could have ended so badly.
“I’ll need to go to the shop.” Lorna said, pushing herself up and brushing the powder off of her top. It was an impossible task. She was covered. It was even in her hair.
“I’ll go. She’s my daughter. My responsibility.” I don’t know if it came out too fake, it probably did. In truth I hadn’t considered the thought that anyone else might offer to go to the shop and I was determined to leave this flat.
“I’ll go. I’ve got a list of stuff I want to get anyway.” She pointed to a long list on the counter that I’d seen her writing out earlier. I was panicking now. I needed to be the one to leave. For starters, I’d already text Arrow back saying I’d meet him.
“Lorna, honestly it’s fine! You don’t need to buy us new stuff just because you spilt it. It happens!” I said, far too nice, but I needed to come out as the good guy here.
“You tripped me” Lorna said again. I saw Kris and Zak turn to each other but continued to stare at Lorna. I needed to do some quick thinking. I needed to sound believable. Recently, Kris hasn’t seemed to notice when I was lying, but those were only small lies. Could I make him believe me now?
“Why are you trying to stir things up?” I tried to sound annoyed.
“I am not!” Lorna said angrily. “You tripped me!”
“No I didn’t!”
“Yes you did!”
“I didn’t!”
“You did!” She snapped back as we continued on like children.
“Stop!” Kris interjected. I turned to him, fearing he was about to tell everyone that it was obvious I was lying. He stared at me for a second, trying to figure out what was going on, then he turned to Lorna. “Accidents happen Lorna.”
I almost gasped out loud. Seriously, I’d fooled Kris? This was too easy.
“It wasn’t an accident!” Lorna’s voice was going supersonic.
“Babe, you’ll have tripped over your own 2 feet!” Zak said, running his hand through her hair. “You know what you’re like”
“I DIDN’T!” She shouted loudly. I heard Alicia gurgle from behind me where Zak had left her playing on the floor near the tv.
“Believe what you want to believe Lorna.” I said, rolling my eyes. She opened her mouth to say something but before she could I hissed, “Oh just go rant to Natalie!”
That was a mistake.
Suddenly she lunged forwards, grabbing my hair and pulling hard. I went to shove her away but before I could Kris grabbed my wrist and pulled me backwards out of the way whilst Zak held onto a wild Lorna. She’d gone savage. It was actually quite worrying, watching her kick and flail about trying to grab some part of me that she could attack. Our friendship was well and truly over.
“Would you behave yourself.” Zak hissed at her. He sounded absolutely disgusted and I wasn’t surprised. He carried her off to the other side of the room and I brushed my hair out of my face. I’m so glad that my head seems to have no nerve cells, I felt zero pain with what she just did. I almost wanted to shout that at her, just to be smug, but she was already in such a crazy mood I thought she might charge at me with a knife next. I wiped off a bit of powder that had sprayed onto the bottom of my jeans and then noticed Kris was standing behind me.
“Are you alright?” He asked, sounding concerned. He rubbed the side of my arm and I stared at him with my mouth slightly open. Was he really believing me? Was he really taking my side?
“I’m fine. God, she’s turned into an animal! I don’t even know who she is anymore.” I hissed quietly so that only he could hear.
“I know. That was… unexpected.” He mumbled, and he looked puzzled for a moment and then he shook his head. “You’re sure you didn’t trip her by accident?”
“I don’t see how I could have? I wasn’t anywhere near her!” I lied. He didn’t seem to notice. “I can’t believe she’s trying to blame me for the face she has two left feet.”
“Just leave it, yeah?”
“Right.” I said slowly. “Okay, I’m going to go get some more formula then. We’ve got enough for a bottle now but not for one if she wakes in the night.” I looked into the tub, it wasn’t totally empty.
“I’ll come with you, we can get some of the stuff off of this list.” He picked up the list off of the side. Again, I hadn’t even considered this option. Why didn’t I expect Kris to offer to come with me? He always offers to come with me. This was the dumbest idea I’ve ever had.
“I was just going to get the new one from my flat, I don’t really fancy spending money unnecessarily.”
“Don’t be stupid! It’s a death trap out there, you can’t go all the way to yours. You’ll need to get a new formula for here anyway so we might as well go now.” Kris pulled out a brush and started sweeping up some of the powder on the floor. I had no argument. I stood, thinking, but there was no alternative that didn’t sound way too suspicious. I was going to have to go with Kris.

-
“Hey.”
“Hey cutie.”
Arrow was standing in an alleyway behind The Loft, his phone in his hand. He put it in his pocket when he saw me.
“I don’t have long, Kris is just paying for our things.” I explained quickly, slightly out of breath from running here. Before I could do anything he pushed me up against the wall and started kissing me. I shoved him away hard.
“That’s not what I’m here for!”
“Relax, jeez.” He wiped his mouth. I glared at him. How rude.
“So do you have anything?” I asked impatiently. He dug around in his pocket.
“You’re not having it for free.” He said, pulling out a tiny bag of white powder. I rolled my eyes and grabbed it off of him.
“How much?”
“50.”
“That’s a fucking joke, right?” I snapped at him. He raised his eyebrows.
“It’s cheaper than I bought it! That’s 2 grams there.”
I lifted it to eye level so I could see. There was definitely less in here than last time I bought any, and then it was only 30.
“Where the hell do you get the money from?” I asked angrily, handing it him back. I sure as hell couldn’t afford that, especially after just spending money unnecessarily on formula. Really, this tiny bit of cocaine would have cost me £60. What a waste of time.
“People owe me.” He said slowly. He took the bag back and crouched down. I didn’t understand what he was doing until I saw him shaking some of it into another little plastic bag. He was careful not to spill any of it, which I definitely would have if I’d tried to do that! I was impressed.
“Can you afford 20?” He asked, giving me back more than half but knocking a hell of a lot off the price. It made me wonder how much he really paid for it in the first place if he was so willing to give me a big discount.
“Yes. Thanks.” I said, pulling money out of my bag and handing it to him. I tucked the drugs safely into a separate pocket of my bag. Arrow was watching me intently. He had that look on his face and I knew that he wanted me to kiss him. I thought of Kris. He’d definitely have noticed I’d gone by now. I left just as he joined the queue to pay. Sure I’d pretty much only crossed the road and hidden, but he’d have probably stepped outside and seen I wasn’t there by now. I’m guessing he’s on his way back to halls, furious with me. How the hell am I supposed to explain myself now?
“You rushing off?” Arrow asked after I’d been silent for a while.
“I have to.” I said, and I couldn’t hide the annoyance in my voice. He grabbed me again and pulled me in to kiss him and this time I didn’t stop him. He was hungry for it as much as I was. It wasn’t feelings, or love, or even attraction. It was a mutual addiction.
I pulled away.
“I have to go. Don’t keep calling me, okay? I can’t answer in Halls. I’ll let you know when I’m back at my flat.” I said, pushing him away from me as he kept hold of my waist. His grip was tight and for just a moment a feeling of panic started to rise up through my chest, but then he let me go. He saw that flash of fear in my eyes and looked sadly to the floor.
“Do that.” He said, turning and walking away from me before I could. Typical Arrow having to be the one in charge even though it was me who ended the meeting. I watched him walk through the blizzard for a second before I realised the hurry I was in and ran towards halls. It was a difficult task, the snow being so damn slippy and all, but I had to be as close behind Kris as possible and I knew he wouldn’t be running in this.
-


I ran as fast as I could up the stairs to the flat, hoping that I wasn’t too far behind Kris. I’d only left him for 5 minutes. 5 minutes! That wasn’t long enough for them to panic, surely? I was so fast with Arrow. I got what I wanted and left. I didn’t stick around. They can’t be judging me. I was quite proud of myself for being so quick.
I didn’t bother being polite about knocking on the door to the flat. I just rushed inside. Then I froze. There were 8 bags of shopping dumped in the middle of the floor. Lorna, Zak, Kris and Cameron were all stood in the centre of the room. Kris had his phone pressed to his ear, a furious expression on his face. Lorna looked smug. Zak looked worried and Cameron looked confused. I held my breath, thinking it would be less suspicious if I wasn’t completely out of breath having just sprinted back here. It’s a lot harder to hold your breath when you’re totally out of breath than you’d think. Kris caught sight of me and furiously put the phone down as I felt one quick buzz in my pocket. He’d clearly been trying to ring me. I took one single deep breath in.
“Hey, sorry.” I tried to take really slow deep breaths so it wasn’t obvious.
“Where the hell did you go?” Kris rounded on me. I took another breath.
“To get air.” I kept my sentence short. When no one spoke I risked saying more. “You left faster than-” I had to pause to breathe. Crap. “-I thought.” I finished. It looked like no one caught on. I guess everyone gets a little out of breath walking up those stairs.
“Where did you go?” Kris repeated, calmer now. Lorna snorted behind him.
“It’s obvious. She was where I said she would be.” She said, looking at me with disgust. I glared back at her. What right does she have to hate me? I was curious as to where Lorna thought I might be. She obviously didn’t know the truth.
“Well it would have been a pretty snappy visit…” Zak said slowly to Lorna, as though he was talking to a dangerous animal that might lash out at any moment. The way Lorna whipped around to stare at him made me think he probably had the right idea.
“Are you kidding me?!” She shrieked at him. It made me jump. “Where else could she have gone for such a short amount of time? Everyone she knows is here!”
“That’s a lie.” I said cockily, but it was true. I had plenty of other friends outside of this flat. Some just down the road. I could’ve been with anybody. I was still curious as to who Lorna thought I’d been with. Lorna ignored what I said and whirled around to face Kris, hoping she could get him on her side.
“She was with this – this ’Az’ guy!” Lorna said determinedly to Kris. My heart dropped. My blood ran cold. I had only just caught my breath again but it had been knocked straight back out of me. How? How could she have possibly known who I was with? No one had been looking at me, thank God, they were all too busy watching Lorna. I managed to get myself together enough to give a fake laugh of confusion.
“Who?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. Kris was staring at me, but he didn’t look concerned.
“I don’t know. You were on the phone to him this morning. You’ve been texting him all day.” She mumbled to me, but even her definitive attitude had reduced greatly. Had I got good at lying?
“Right… Yeah. Okay.” I said, rolling my eyes. “Like I tripped you up, too?”
“You did trip me up!”
“Why the hell would I do that?”
“I don’t know, for the shits and giggles?”
“Right, I can’t stop laughing at the fact I’m completely broke and just had to spend over £10 on a new tub of formula because you spilled a practically full one.” I said sarcastically. “I thought I’d been pretty forgiving, given the circumstances.”
“Forgiving? It was your fault!” Lorna’s voice had gone supersonic once again.
“Explain to me again how any of this makes any sense to you!” I responded cockily. I didn’t even care that I was being a bitch, it was time for people to start being on my side instead of against me. I’m sick of being the bad guy.
“You just wanted an excuse to see Az!” She said angrily, looking away from me towards Zak and Kris, probably hoping for support. Neither of them offered her any.
“Again, who is Az?” I asked her angrily. I stole a glance at Kris and saw, to my surprise, that he seemed to think I was being honest. Otherwise he’d have spoken up for sure.
“I don’t know!!” Lorna shrieked back. I frowned at her.
“Great argument. Wow Lorna, you’ve even got me convinced.” I said sarcastically. Cameron laughed. I forgot he was even in here. There was a long awkward silence only broken by Cameron saying we all needed to calm down, before he turned and walked out of the flat without saying where he was going. No one jumps down his throat when he leaves. I felt a little miffed at that. Thinking he was probably right, I took a deep breath and turned to face Kris.

“Where’s Alicia?” I asked, hoping for a subject change. Kris turned to Lorna, who turned to Zak. I waited patiently as Zak’s expression went from confused to slightly panicked. My heart rate increased as he faced me.
“I thought you guys had her.” He finally said. The world stopped. I swear it did. In that moment I felt myself falling, completely out of control, into nothing. My blood didn’t just run cold it turned to ice. I wanted to scream but it got caught in my throat and nothing came out. I couldn’t breathe. This was beyond pain. I turned to Kris and saw his face matched my emotions, but he reached the next stage faster than I could. He turned, furious towards Zak, and shouted at him, asking why we would even think of taking Alicia out in this weather, what was going through his mind. I glanced around the room, sure I’d see her sitting on the floor playing with her toys somewhere but she wasn’t here. Why had nobody thought of her until now? Why was she such a last minute thought? Had I just called her a ‘subject change’? I wanted to break down and cry. Lorna just looked utterly shocked. I didn’t pause to hear Zak’s response, I ran through to Kris’ room and ripped the blanket out of Alicia’s cot, expecting her to be underneath it but coming up empty. I turned to run out only to bump straight into Kris. I shoved him out of my way and charged towards Zak.
“Where is she?!” I shouted at him, pushing him as hard as I could into the glass wall. Lorna pulled me back by the arm and I shook my hand violently out of her grip. Zak looked confused. He seemed to have lost the ability to speak. I turned to Lorna.
“If this is some sick way to get back at me then it worked, okay? It worked! Just give her back!” I shouted at her, full volume. She shook her head, eyes wide, sparkling with tears.
“I would never-” Lorna started, but before she could get any more words out a door opened behind me and I whirled around. It was Rhys’ room and he walked out calmly with Alicia in his arms. I’ve never been so relieved in my life.
“Oh thank God.” I rushed forwards and pulled her out of his arms, hugging her tight to my chest.
“What’s going on?” Rhys sounded confused. I didn’t even care about answering him. I was too busy holding Alicia as close to me as possible, promising I would never let her out of my sight ever again.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone you had her?” Kris shouted at Rhys, but he’d come over to see Alicia too. I could tell he wanted to hold her and protect her, but I wouldn’t let her out of my grip.
“I did! I asked Lorna and Cameron if it was okay. Lorna, you said it was fine!” Rhys snapped at her. I turned to face her. She looked completely lost.
“Lorna?” Zak asked, confused. There was a second when Lorna seemed to doubt herself, then she frowned at Rhys.
“No I didn’t! I’d remember if I did.” Lorna said angrily. I glared at her, unsure of the game she was playing. “I’d remember!”
“Yeah, you did. Cameron was there too?” Rhys sounded confused as well. He faced me. “Sorry, were you worried?”
“That’s a massive understatement.” I said, and then I realised I’d started crying. I wiped the tears out of my eyes, keeping my other arm around Alicia. What was going on? Why was Lorna doing this to me?
“Lorna?” Kris asked, his tone aggressive. I turned to face her. She looked really upset.
“Where was I?” Zak asked Rhys. “I’ve hardly left her side, why wasn’t I there when you asked?”
“I guess you’d gone to the loo? I don’t know. It was just after Gaby and Kris went to the shop.” Rhys explained. He still seemed a bit confused. I guess he didn’t expect this.
“Lorna?” Zak turned to her again. She still hadn’t said anything. She looked utterly broken and I didn’t understand why. Was it because her twisted lie had come out? I felt sick. Yeah, I stooped pretty low earlier but this was a whole new level.
“I really don’t remember this happening.” She looked at Zak, not me, tears falling from her eyes. She was almost pleading. Zak turned away from her, looking at the floor. I waited for him to say something but he didn’t. Kris spoke instead.
“First you lied about Gaby purposely tripping you, now you’re lying about not knowing where Alicia was? What is your problem?” He was still stood next to me, but Lorna flinched as though preparing to defend herself. She shook her head slightly to the side, disbelieving what Kris was saying.
“I didn’t-” She cut off, her voice catching in her throat. Her wide eyes found Zak again. “Zak…”
He looked at her, an expression on his face I’d never seen before. Lorna knew what it meant. He didn’t believe her. She gasped a little, more tears streaming out of her eyes.
“I really didn’t know. I’m not lying.” She wasn’t even bothering trying to convince me or Kris, she was trying to get Zak’s attention but he wasn’t looking in her direction. He was staring at the floor, a confused expression on his face. I glanced at Kris and saw that he looked livid. I was angry, but it was nothing compared to him.
“Zak please.” Her voice was shaking with emotion. I bit my lip, unsure if she was being sincere. I knew she hadn’t lied about the tripping earlier. I didn’t know if she was lying now, but from the looks of things, she was so upset I assumed she wasn’t. But I needed support for a change. I needed to be the one in control. So I kept my mouth shut.
“You know, these last couple of weeks have made me realise I don’t even know who you really are anymore.” Zak said quietly, looking at Lorna with a look of such detest that I almost wanted to jump in and defend her. I stopped myself, reminding myself what she did to me… how much she hurt me.
“Y-you don’t mean that.” Lorna said quietly, hiccoughing as she tried to catch her breath.
“No, I think I do.” Zak responded. I’d never seen him this mad at Lorna before. She started crying more heavily.
“No! No, G-Gaby, please t-tell him!” She looked at me, desperate for me to tell the truth. I’d never seen her look so upset before. Now was the moment. This was the defining moment. This was the moment I decided whether or not we would ever be friends again. I turned to Rhys.
“You’re sure she said it was fine?” I asked him, my voice thick from crying.
“I swear. If you don’t believe me ask Cameron.” Rhys said, looking around for him. It was no use. He’d left earlier without telling anyone where he was going. I just nodded in response, turning back to Lorna to stare at her.
“No!” She screamed. “But I don’t remember!” She turned back to Zak who just shook his head disgustedly.
“I’ve had enough of your lying and secret keeping, Lorna!”
“No!” She shrieked again.
“I’m going to the SU bar.” Zak suddenly said, walking in the direction of the door. Lorna started following him, tugging at his arm.
“Zak please!”
“Don’t follow me!”
She gave a gargled cry as his hand pushed her away from him and he stormed out of the flat. Immediately she spun around to face me. I held Alicia closer to me but felt a hand trying to take her out of my grip. I turned, expecting to see Kris so that I could tell him to back off, but instead discovered it was Rhys. For some reason the shock of this made me pass her over without any hesitation. I turned to face Lorna, actually quite worried she might try to attack me again like she had earlier. Instead it was like she was a deflating balloon, all the life was falling out of her.
“Gaby, please.” She said quietly. I pushed every negative feeling I had towards Lorna to the forefront of my mind so that I could speak to her with as much venom as I could muster.
“I never want to speak to you again.” I said quietly, this time I felt Kris pulling on my arm and he led me away from Lorna. He didn’t need to. As soon as I stopped speaking she stormed into her room and slammed the door behind her. Kris sat me down on the sofa, watching me closely. Rhys followed behind him, Alicia still in his arms.

“What’s going on?” Rhys asked, sitting on the other sofa. Kris sat down next to me. I didn’t want to answer. Both the people in this room seem to have a knack at knowing when I’m lying and they can’t find out now. I just pulled my legs up to my chest, hoping it would look like I was too upset to talk. In reality I was too scared.
“Lorna’s been a bitch.” Kris said. It actually shocked me. He’s always been pretty good friends with Lorna, even after everything that happened.
“What’s she done? I mean – despite the obvious.” Rhys replied. I couldn’t tell which ‘obvious’ he was referring to; today’s mayhem or her never telling me about him and Natalie.
“Well for starters she lied and said Gaby tripped her up earlier, which ended up costing Gaby money she doesn’t have!” Kris defended me. I glanced at him but he wasn’t looking at me. He was too busy ranting to Rhys. Rhys, of all people! This is what the horrible snow does, it forces you to talk to your enemies.
“The baby formula situation? Yeah I caught the end of it.” Rhys nodded. “Thought it seemed a little…”
“Weird?” I offered. He just nodded at me. My plan to stay silent didn’t last very long but I was hoping that one word wouldn’t have given too much away.
“Yeah, and then she was going on about Gaby seeing this –” Kris caught sight of me and stopped talking. I guess my sudden change in expression was the reason. I’d gone from pretending to be upset to suddenly fearing what Kris was going to say. “-Her running off, when we went to the shop. Lorna made a big deal about it when clearly Gabs just wanted some fresh air.” Kris changed what he was going to say. I couldn’t tell if he believed it himself. I tried to clear my emotions but it was no use. He’d already seen enough.
“I’m not surprised, it’s not exactly pleasant being cooped up in here all day!” Rhys said, defending me. I felt guilt rise up inside of me, but I had to force it down.
“Yeah, well.” Kris paused. “What time is it? Reckon one of us should go find Zak?” He asked, facing me. I picked up my phone and clicked the button to see what time it was, but got distracted by the fact I had multiple text messages. Some were from Arrow, one was from Ella. Kris noticed me frowning at my phone and leaned over to look but I put it away before he could.
“Almost 7.” I responded. “You gave Alicia some real food as well, right? From a jar?”
“Yes, Gaby, I’m not stupid. She had it at about half 5. And not long after Zak gave her a bottle from the last remaining powder we had, so she should be fine.”
“Okay then, I’ll start getting her ready for bed.” I stood up and walked into the kitchen, looking at my phone as I went. I opened the messages from Arrow first. It was him saying that he was planning on sticking around in the Hollyoaks area all evening if I found a chance to escape. He then added on that he was likely to be in SU bar at some point. I was intrigued by that. I hadn’t even thought of the idea of him being there, but now that I did it didn’t seem too bad. No one here knows him, I could easily make an excuse to see him there and slip away for a little while. Simple. I replied saying that I might see him later if I get the chance. Then I opened the text from Ella.

Ella (18:43)
Come downstairrrrrrrrrrssssssss, we’re in ur SU cause ours was closed, and it was HARD to get here so u need to make it worth it ps can we sleep in your flat? Thaaaaaaaaaaanks x

I didn’t have a clue how she knew I was here and not at my place, but then I thought someone had probably written something on facebook and she’d worked it out. I sighed, thinking how she was downstairs. I have to act even more casual around the Chester folk than I do with everyone here. None of them really know about my issues there. Well, except Luke. I don’t even think they know about me and Rhys yet because I sure as hell haven’t told them. But then I remembered I told Luke everything when he came to see me last week, so he would have definitely told the others. I frowned, feeling selfish as I wondered why they hadn’t come to see if I was okay before this blizzard. Then it hit me.
Luke is here. In the SU bar. And I just told Arrow it was a good idea to go there.
“Shit!” I swore out loud before I could stop myself. Both Kris and Rhys stopped their conversation – that I hadn’t even realised they’d been having – and looked up to stare at me.
“What wrong?” Rhys asked before Kris could.
I looked away from my phone to them.
“Nothing. Just Ella and that lot are downstairs and now they’re stranded like me. This weather is so not cool.” I said trying to sound casual about it. Kris lost interest in what I’d said and held his hands out to take Alicia from Rhys, but he was too busy frowning at me. After a moment he realised Kris was waiting for Alicia and apologised before handing her over. I turned away from him but I sensed he was still staring at me. When I turned back Kris had left the room with Alicia and Rhys was standing not far from me.
“Are you alright? I haven’t seen you since… well you didn’t look good yesterday.” He said slowly. I closed my eyes and shook my head.
“Rhys, how many times do I have to tell you, you don’t have the right to care about me anymore.” I snapped, opening my eyes to see his reaction. He stood firmly in the same place.
“I still do though.”
“You never used to, what’s made you start now?”
“That’s obviously a lie!” He snapped back. Our voices weren’t raised but I could tell they would be soon. “How many times did I try to help you, eh? If I didn’t care I doubt I’d have sat by your door crying whilst you… well, I’m not going to go into details.” He looked to the floor, almost embarrassed. All the fight went out of me as I thought about it. He did appear to care back then. What changed? Because when I think about it, all those times he begged me to stop cutting. Begged me to get help. Promised he would always be here for me. He was fucking Natalie.
“Seen your girlfriend recently?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.
“Seriously?” He sighed, frustrated.
“You know, she’s almost as broken hearted as me.” I said, mocking sadness. “I think she thought you guys were something real special.”
“Right.” He didn’t argue.
“So do you agree? Were you and Natalie something really special? I mean, you must’ve been something if you were doing it for a whole year.”
“We’ve had this argument before…”
“Yeah we have. But you seem to have forgotten that so I thought we should go over it again!” I said loudly, trying to make a point.
“Gaby I just want us to be civil!”
“I think I’m being civil enough just by being in the same room as you, let alone working for you and letting you see my child.”
“You said-”
“I know what I said!” I cut in. I’d told him that I’d still let him see Alicia because I know he loves her. He loves her almost as much as I do, and she loves him too. It would be unfair just to separate them so suddenly. “I think I’m being a million times better with you than anyone would ever expect me to be, Rhys, so don’t push my buttons.” I snapped, and with that I stormed passed him and into Kris’ room to help sort out Alicia.

-

I pushed my way through the crowd in the SU bar looking for someone I recognised. Kris was upstairs with Alicia, getting her to go back to sleep. She woke up about twenty minutes ago screaming after only being asleep for a couple of hours. It was almost half 9. Almost everyone was out of the flat and I assumed they would be down here somewhere. The only people left upstairs were Lorna and I think Natalie although I hadn’t seen her for the last 2 days so I couldn’t be sure. A glass spilt onto the floor in front of me and sprayed my feet with a bright green liquid.
“Sorry!” A very drunk man slurred, knocking past me to pick it up. I carried on pushing my way towards the bar expecting somebody to be there. I wasn’t looking for anyone in particular. Okay, that was a lie. I was looking for Arrow or the Chester lot. They all knew each other but I couldn’t let any of the Chester people know I was seeing Arrow. They wouldn’t let it slide.
“Hey, Gaby!” Archie grabbed my arm and pulled me to the side before I could resist. Suddenly I was sat on a chair amongst a group of people I’d never even spoken to before.
“This is Steve, Jessie, Paula, Craig, Dominic, Alice, Em, Phil, Derek, Lucinda, George…” He continued naming them but I got lost after the third name. “..And finally West. Everyone this is Gaby.” They all mumbled hellos. “Why are you alone?” Archie asked as everyone else turned back to their conversations. I could tell that Archie had been drinking.
“I’m looking for someone.”
“Who?”
Archie raised his eyebrows and I stopped straining to look around the room and relaxed a little.
“Ella and that lot are here somewhere. And I think Zak is.” I said casually.
“Isn’t he tied down to his Mrs?” Archie asked and I sensed a mild amount of annoyance in his voice.
“No, they had a fight.” I said slowly. He looked shocked at this and his eyes widened.
“What about?”
“Long story.” I said rolling my eyes. “Lorna will probably explain it to you later, acting like the victim in this little charade.” I folded my hands across my chest.
“What’s she done? What’ve you done?”
“I’ve done nothing! Except try and be civil with her, and she’s trying her hardest to turn everyone against me but it’s completely backfired.” I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. Archie just looked shocked, a slight frown on his face. I looked around the bar to see if I could see Zak anywhere, wondering who he’d have chosen to keep him company. That’s when I saw Arrow staring at me, standing to the side of the bar, a bottle of beer in his hand. I looked away from him and back to Archie. “I’ll tell you later if you’re still here. I’ve got to go, I said I’d meet Ella.” Without pausing to see his reaction I jumped up. I looked towards Arrow and saw he was still watching me. I slightly nodded my head towards the exit that led into the rest of Halls and saw him swigging off his beer so he could meet me. I didn’t look back towards him after that. I focussed to check that no one else had noticed me or him. I couldn’t see Ella or Luke or anybody else that I knew for that matter. There were some familiar faces but no one that I knew. I hoped it wasn’t one of those moments where they were hidden in plain sight and I was just being dumb not noticing them. When I got to the exit I walked around the corner hoping Arrow would know where to find me. There was no one on the corridor. It was lit dimly by the emergency lights. I stood towards the end so I could see if anyone was coming from either direction. It was only a few seconds later that Arrow walked around the corner.
“Luke’s here you know.” He said in a low voice before I could say anything. I nodded my head.
“I know, Ella told me they were coming before. We can’t do anything now, you have to leave.” I said back. He looked annoyed and ran a hand through his extremely short black hair.
“Can’t we just go somewhere now?”
“Where can we go? I can’t just leave! Alicia’s upstairs.”
“So, Kris thinks you’re down here, right? And the others think you’re upstairs?”
“Archie’s seen me now.” I said slowly. He looked frustrated.
“There’s probably an empty room around here.” He said and then he was looking through the doors, trying each of them to see if they were locked. The second one he tried opened straight away.
“Seriously? I’m not after a quickie.” I said annoyed. “I wanted to do this.” I pulled out the coke I’d bought off of him earlier. He closed the door and walked back up to me.
“You don’t need me with you to do that.” He said suspiciously.
“It’s kind of depressing to do it alone.”
He smiled, as though he knew exactly what I was talking about.
“The rooms empty, we’ll keep the lights off.” He walked back up to the door and strolled in. I looked up and down the corridor, checking that no one was watching, before following him inside. It was a room that looked like it had once been a classroom, but now it seemed to be a suitable storage space for the SU bar. I was concerned for a moment, thinking that a member of staff might come in for the extra chairs or something as it was so busy, but then I decided it didn’t matter.
“Is there a lock on that door?” I asked Arrow as I sat myself on the floor behind some boxes. It was the perfect spot. Anyone looking in from outside wouldn’t have any idea that I was here.
“Yeah.” He said and I heard it click. Excellent! A moment later Arrow joined me on the floor. “Want to smoke it or snort it?”
I cringed at the way it sounded. It seriously made me sound like a druggy and I wasn’t. I just did it to feel a little better. I didn’t do it because I was addicted.
“Smoking it is faster, but the other way lasts longer.” I said slowly. Arrow was still waiting for me to actually answer his question. “Well, I guess snorting it is less conspicuous.” I shrugged. He didn’t respond to what I said but instead started wiping down the surface of a box to my side. Then, very quickly, he made two short lines. My heart started pumping heavily in my chest, and I don’t know why because I’ve done this more times than I can count. Maybe not recently, but before I came to Hollyoaks.. well, I wasn’t exactly a good girl.
“You first.” He said, sitting up straight. I looked at him and he looked at me for a long moment, and then I bent my head down and did it. I always expect it to sting my nose for some reason even though it never does. It actually makes me go numb almost instantly. It’s the next day that’s a killer. Once I’m done I wipe the remains off the end of my nose and watch Arrow as he repeated what I just did. I knew I had a few minutes before I would start feeling the effects of the drugs so I started to clean up the space whilst I still had the sense to do so. I put my share of the coke back into my bag and tucked my phone into my bra. Arrow seemed to be having the same idea and wiped the tiny remains off of the box we’d used so that no one would notice. Then my head started to spin. My muscles were all relaxing. My thoughts began to float like bubbles, out of my mind and out of this space. I felt like I was flying. I had no real thoughts anymore, except that this was the best feeling in the world. Of course it was. Why had I ever stressed before? Was there any need to stress when I could easily feel like this all the time? The next half an hour went by in a blur, literally. I could hardly remember what we’d done. All I knew was that, almost as suddenly as it started, the care-free bubble burst and I came crashing down further than I’d climbed. I felt myself growing depressed. I felt myself getting anxious and paranoid, and in need of that high oh so desperately. That’s when Arrow’s lips found mine and we crashed around the room. He didn’t care what he did and for that moment neither did I. I didn’t care how much it hurt as he threw me against the wall, pushing me so hard I thought my skin might tear beneath his grip. It only helped numb the horrific pain that had taken over my body since the drugs wore off. When it was over, when we both stopped, I pulled my clothes back on in silence and he did the same. I wanted to cry like I always do. I wanted to replicate that high, and there was no way to do so without taking more drugs and the fear of somebody finding out prevented me from doing so. I couldn’t deal with how far I’d come crashing down.
“I hurt you again, didn’t I?” Arrows voice sounded almost as low and depressed as mine. I wondered if this was how he felt every day. I wondered if this was why his life now depended on the drugs.
“Yeah but it’s fine. I like it.” I said shrugging on my cardigan. His hand brushed against my waist and he kissed my neck.
“I need you. You and me, we’re the same.”
“We are not the same.” I said back bitterly. My mood was twisting into something horrific.
“Okay cutie, whatever you say.” Arrow laughed a hollow laugh, still holding onto my waist. My head fell to rest on his shoulder.
“I want to kill myself.” I said, and it scared me that I wasn’t lying.
“I know the feeling.” Arrow replied roughly. He kissed my head, working his way down to my lips again and it was so full of fire that it almost lifted away the depression I was feeling. Almost.
“I need to go. Do I look suspicious?” I asked, pulling myself away from him so he could look at me. He smirked.
“Not to me but I always look suspicious.”
I frowned. That really wasn’t helpful.
“Luke’s staying in halls tonight, so you need to clear out of here before he sees you. I’m scared he already has and it won’t take him long to put two and two together.” I said as I picked up my bag. Arrow started nodding.
“See you tomorrow?” He asked, not sounding too desperate but I knew he was. I was starting to think he craved seeing me as much as I craved seeing him.
“I don’t know. I’ll try.” I couldn’t hide the sadness in my voice. He came close to me and kissed me one more time before disappearing out of the door without saying another word. I was about to follow when I realised I couldn’t. I found myself slipping down to sit on the floor, tears stinging my eyes. I couldn’t handle this. I couldn’t handle the world crashing around me. I wanted a way to replicate the high I’d felt just a few minutes ago. I wanted a way to stop my skin from crawling. There were too many emotions washing through me. I could only think of one way to release them, and I pressed a broken shard of glass to my skin.

-

Before I opened the door to the flat I checked the sleeve of my cardigan for any signs of blood. I’d stuffed it with tissue to try and stem the flow but I was worried it might start showing through. I’d probably been gone a good two hours now but I’d been checking my phone and nothing had come through so I assumed no one had noticed my absence. The moment I stepped through the front door I sensed something was wrong. I walked around the corner and saw Lorna crying on the sofa, Zak standing to the side with a bag over his shoulder, Archie staring in disbelief with a couple of his friends next to him. He’d introduced them to me earlier but I couldn’t remember what their names were.
“What’s going on?” I asked slowly, my voice came out huskier than I intended. I was quite scared they would take one look at me and lash out, asking me what I’d been up to, figuring it out from the way I was standing. None of them even looked at me. It was like I was invisible.
“Zak, mate, come on.” Archie started as Lorna continued to cry softly. My phone buzzed in my hand and I clicked to see who was texting me. It was Ella, calling me boring for not showing my face and telling me that they’d found somewhere else to crash. Good. I couldn’t deal with them right now.
“I can’t.” Zak said slowly. “I’m going to Isaac’s.” He turned to leave then started when he saw me. Had they really not noticed me come in? I’d spoken and everything. “Gabs, are you alright?” Zak’s tone of voice was completely different.
“Yeah. Are you? What’s going on?”
“Zak’s leaving me.” Lorna sobbed but I could see the glare behind her tears, viscously aimed at me.
“What?” I couldn’t hide the shock in my voice. I knew he was angry with her but could it have really come this far in just a few hours?
“I’m not leaving you!” Zak said and it sounded as though they’d had this discussion a few times already. “We just need space.”
“I don’t feel like I do!” She screeched back. I had a feeling she’d been drinking.
“Look, Lorna, Archie’s right. We’re together way too much, and recently that’s not been a good thing. I don’t know who you are anymore and until I can figure that out I can’t be around you.” He said, and he walked past me to leave the flat. I followed after him, I don’t know why. It was instinct.
“Zak, wait.” I said, and I stopped him just as he left the flat. The door closed behind me and we stood alone in the corridor. “Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
“Not after the way she’s been recently. I never thought she would be so bad to you. You were her best friend.” The look in my eyes told me he’d believed every single lie I’d told today.
“Yeah, and I know I’m angry with her and everything, but come on. You two… You’re supposed to get married and have lots of babies and live in the countryside with a dog and a cat.” I said, and I saw the corner of his mouth twitch. Then I remember that Lorna might not have children and I’d probably said the dumbest thing ever.
“Why are you defending her?” He asked me, the hint of a smile vanishing from his face.
“Because even though I hate her right now I can’t deny the fact that you two are perfect for each other.” I said, and I frowned as I said it. Because I wanted Lorna to suffer and I was trying to achieve the exact opposite by talking to Zak. My head was starting to feel woozy from the coke earlier and I could feel a slight pain in the bridge of my nose that made my eyes water.
“A couple of weeks ago I’d have agreed with you, but too much has changed. Especially today. I think I’m starting to see her true colours.”
Guilt. A million times the amount I ever felt earlier. I was scared that it would overpower my brain whilst I was in this disorientated state and I might confess that I’d tripped her. But I didn’t.
“Zak, come on, please just come back inside and talk to her.” I said, grabbing hold of his hand. He shook his head.
“You call me if you need me, okay?” He said and he pulled his hand out of my grip and rushed down the stairs to wherever Isaac’s flat was. I don’t even know who Isaac is.
I turned around to go back into the flat and saw Lorna standing, teary eyed, by the counter. Waiting for me to come back in.
“What did you say? Has he gone?” She asked, and she sounded hopeless. It just added to the guilt I was feeling. I shifted my position, folding my arms across my chest because I was starting to fear that blood would seep through my cardigan at any moment and there was nothing I could do about it here in the open.
“Yeah, he’s gone.” I said slowly.
“And did you tell him the truth? Or were you just out there spreading more twisted, bitchy lies? He’s left me because of you Gaby! You and your sick lies! The least you could have done was try and get him to stay, but I bet you encouraged him to leave didn’t you?” She was getting close to hysterical. I heard one of Archie’s mates make an awkward comment but Archie told him to shut up.
“I was telling him to stay, actually.” I snapped back, annoyed that I’d actually gone out there to support her. Why the fuck did I do that? I hate her.
“No you weren’t. You’re just spreading more lies. I thought we were supposed to be friends!”
“Yeah, me too!” I hissed, angry she was speaking to me like this. For a second I was scared she’d charge at me again but instead she turned on her heel and stormed down to her room. I stood, furious, in the kitchen as Archie made some awkward conversation with his friends. It wasn’t long before they left and me and Archie were alone. I didn’t even bother hiding it now. My cut was stinging too much. I shrugged off my cardigan and pulled away the tissue from my arm. It was soaked red. I’d cut deeper than I intended to. I knew we used to keep bandages in one of the cupboards here so I started rooting around for one.
“What’s that?” Archie asked, concerned.
“What do you think it is?” I snapped back angrily. It was obvious what I’d done and I was beyond caring. Archie didn’t respond. Instead he started rooting around the cupboards for me and he found the bandages faster than I could have. I went to grab it off of him but he pulled it out of my reach, getting some kitchen roll and dampening it so he could clean the wound first. Then he gently wrapped the bandage around my arm.
“Things are really bad, aren’t they?” He said quietly so that even if anyone was in the room they wouldn’t have heard. I didn’t answer. He knew things were bad for me. I heard him talking to Kris yesterday.
“Fancy getting fucking wasted?” I asked him, my eyes focussing on the vodka bottle and the Jagermesiter on the side. For a moment I thought Archie would say no, but then he smirked.
“Yes.” He said, and he finished wrapping up my arm and got out two glasses. I don’t remember much after the first five shots. All I remember is going on about how both bottles ended up empty when they were full to start with. We drank a hell of a lot and the pain numbed. I was free.
The next morning, my head ached and my stomach was twisting in a way that only meant I was close to throwing up. I wanted to open my eyes but the sun was already hurting me through my eye lids so I didn’t dare risk it. I turned myself over, bringing the duvet over my head as I did so, hoping I could get a little bit more shut-eye before the booze came back up. I felt comfortable. I felt like I was at home. My hand scrunched up against the duvet in a ball as I let out a satisfied sigh. That’s when I realised I didn’t know where I was. The bed sheets didn’t feel right. I was pressed against something warm and squishy.
“So, er, can we make a deal never to talk about this again?”
My eyes snapped open. I was in my old bedroom. I recognised the wall. I recognised the way the sun streamed through the window directly into my eyes. No wonder I felt so familiar here. I sat up, looking to my right where the voice came from, taking the duvet with me to cover my bare skin. Archie lay next to me, the upper half of his body definitely naked. The bottom part of his body hidden from sight. If I thought I could keep the vomit down I was definitely wrong now.
“Oh SHIT.”

Lorna's POV

I let out a large tearfully sigh into my empty bedroom. Zak “needs space”. I can’t get my head around it. How last night we could be perfectly fine, talking about the future and now we’re practically over. He didn’t believe me and that stung. It’s not even past tense he still doesn’t believe me now. My wonderful boyfriend, my other half thinks I’m am actually insane.
I have lost count of the amount of times I had replayed this over in my head now. I didn’t even know Kris and Gaby had gone anywhere. I’d completely phased out. I was gone. I doubt I could’ve even have formed a sensible response if Rhys even had spoken to me. I really need to speak to Cameron but I can’t even text him. I don’t even know his number. I need him to come to my defence!
Why would I even do that? Let Gaby, Kris and Zak – three of my favourite people in the entire world – think that Alicia was missing if I knew exactly where she was. I couldn’t think of any reason why I would ever do that. I know what that sheer panic feels like. When Becky was walking she was a nightmare. I’d take her to ASDA and she’d just jump out her buggy when my back was turned and be off on an adventure round the shop. God, it was HELL and even then that was with me finding her after only a few minutes but in those minutes the earth just stopped. I’d never put them through that, ever. I swear I don’t know what Rhys was on about but now everyone just automatically assumes anything that leaves my mouth is a lie. Gaby definitely deserves an Oscar for her performance. She’s got what she wants now; everyone wrapped around her little finger. She’s gotten her revenge on me now too.
I hadn’t even spoken to him since he left and that was hours ago now but yet I was still lying here on my bed in physical pain. All I wanted was for him to be here with me, to hold me to tell me that everything was alright but that actually would be a lie. Nothings alright. I keep hearing his hurtful comments from earlier ringing in my ears.
I don’t know who you are anymore and until I can figure that out I can’t be around you
I felt like someone was stabbing me in the gut each time I repeated it. I’m the same person I’ve always been!
Has he been looking for an out and just decided this was his best shot?
Why would he say everything that he said last night and then follow it up with everything today? I’m his girlfriend. He’s meant to trust me. He should believe me. He’s meant to be on my side and today he just, left.
My royal blue figure hugging dress I had bought for Zak’s cousin’s wedding next week hung on the door of my wardrobe, still hanging there proudly after I’d shown it to him this morning. I bend down and picked up one of the killer heeled shoes I’d bought to go with it and sent the shoe flying across my bedroom in rage. The edge of the heel ended up smashing the mirror which sat on my desk. What are the chances? Great. Really hope that superstition crap doesn’t come true. I can’t take 7 years of bad luck that I’ve brought on myself. I’m already dealing with that right now anyway though. I stood up and took the dress down off of the top of this wardrobe. I loved it and now I won’t even get to wear it. I opened the wardrobe fully and shoved all the clothes along so I could put it right at the side that way I wouldn’t be able to see it.
“I need space” is practically “we’re done”. It made me feel sick to my stomach. I was both hurt and angry at the same time.
We’re together too much
Where did that even come from? I’ve not stayed at his flat in almost a week. He’s the one putting me in a pressure cooker, trying to get me to move in with him and then he says that?! What?! I’m pretty sure that was a big part of our arguments in summer, shouting about how everyone thought we were together too much. Zak even mentioned Archie when he was saying it earlier. Why does it matter what anyone else thinks?! We were perfectly happy.
Wonder what he’s doing now. He’s directly 2 floors below me yet he feels so far away. I was arguing with myself in my head about whether I should text him before deciding that wasn’t giving him “space”. I felt myself starting to cry again.
We’re scooney! The scouser and the loon, the two headed monster. That’s how it should be. Not purposely avoiding each other, not accusing the other one of telling ridiculous lies! I rolled over in my bed and heaved another tearful sigh. I really should sleep but I can’t. I’ve already tried. I picked up my phone off of my bedside table. My phone background making me feel sad again! This picture was taken a few days ago!! We were good. How could things have gone so badly wrong!
I needed to talk to someone, if I don’t I actually will go insane. There are 9 people in this flat right now – maybe more if Archie’s friends slept over – and yet I feel so alone. My closest friends here think I’m some sort of compulsive liar but I’m not. I’m really not. I scrolled through my contacts trying to find someone, anyone, who would listen to me and actually believe what was coming out of my mouth! I sighed when I saw Danielle’s name before I left to come here we were really close. Now we barely ever speak and when we occasionally do she always makes sarcastic comments about me being too busy with the boyfriend. I doubt she’d be very happy if I rang her up now and ranted. With Shanice it’s the exact same situation. Things between me and Dalmellington lot had been different since Kyle went to prison. I started ringing Claire even though I knew she was on work placement. She was on night shift in the hospital tonight but she could be on a break? No. It’s not fair. I clicked the red button on my phone. I sighed tearfully again. Guess I’m only left with one option. Even if I didn’t really want to speak to her she would definitely believe me.
“Sup baby sis?” Aly said straight away.
“Aly-“ I began, sighing tearfully. I swallowed my tears away.
“Fuck.” She stated, clearly being able to tell I was in a state. “What’s happened?”
“It’s Zak” I started.
“Is he okay?” She asked gravely, obviously thinking something had happened to him. I stayed quiet for a few seconds. I don’t know how to answer that. I wouldn’t say he was okay. I’ve ran over it so many times in the past few hours, I can’t understand where any of this had come from.
“We’ve” I stopped, I don’t even know how to explain it. What are we? He needs space.
“Lorna, tell me what’s going on.” Aly said, forcefully.
“We’re finished.” I said, my stomach sinking. That was the first time I’d said that out loud. To my surprise Aly burst out laughing.
“What?” She said, continuing to giggle. “What was the pathetic fight over this time? Did you eat the last of his Coco Pops again?”
“No.” I snapped rather harshly.
“Well go on then! Tell me the story! I could do with a laugh” She encouraged.
“It’s not funny Al” I snapped again. “Apparently he doesn’t know who I am anymore. He says I’ve changed” I explained, making it clear I thought the idea of me “changing” was completely absurd.
“What’ve you done?” She asked accusingly, now verging on concerned. Yet again, I felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest.
“Nothing!” I said my voice breaking as I spoke. “It’s all this big twisted horrible made up mess!” I started sobbing again. “I don’t even understand what happened”
“Right, start from the beginning.” She instructed and I did. I told her everything. Everything about this fucked up day. How karma has well and truly bitten me on the behind. How thanks to Gaby’s lies, Gaby denying the mysterious ‘Az’ even exists and this messed up Rhys/Alicia situation, I now had no one. Not even Zak.

---

I got up, showered and dressed pretty quickly this morning. I decided that if I lay in my bed for too long I’d just end up staying there in a horrific self-pitying mood all day and that is never good. I hadn’t managed to sleep for very long probably only a couple of hours. I walked down the corridor and saw the state of the sitting room. The disgusting stench of the alcohol hit me like a tonne of bricks. The cheap little neon coloured plastic shot glasses that we keep in the cupboard were everywhere; on top of the TV, under the couches, under the table. I started picking them up at quite a pace, tossing them into the sink as I went. Even the smell of this vodka just makes me want to vomit. Archie’s hoodie and his t-shirt had been tossed on the floor. What a surprise, not! It would be his mess. How many people did he have round last night? I didn’t even hear anyone! I picked the clothes up and folded them and sat them on the back of the chair. Wonder if he’s got a girl with him? Probably, it is Archie. I hope I’m up early enough to laugh as the poor girl did the walk of shame back to her own place. I picked up the empty vodka & jaeger bottle’s and sat them up right next to the bin. It was then when I noticed a bra on the floor. Well that answers my question! Archie had fun last night then. I picked it up and sat it on top of Archie’s clothes. The room was already looking tidier. I grabbed the rest of the glasses that were dotted around the room and sat them next to the sink. I turned the tap on and let the water run before sticking radio 1 on, hoping they’d actually play some music rather than just talk about the snow. Either way the noise was a welcome distraction from the lonely silence. I looked up at the kitchen clock. As if! It’s quarter past 6. I don’t remember the last time I was awake and fully functional this early in the day. I put the cushions back onto the couches and gave the table a quick wipe with the cloth. Someone had obviously spilt their drink. Why am I the one tidying this? I walked back over to the sink and dumped the glasses in the basin. I opened the cupboard doors and peaked inside. I wanted to know what we had that I could take through into my room. That way I wouldn’t need to leave all day.
No.
I can’t believe I just even thought that. I live here. This is my home. Why should I feel like a criminal when I have done nothing wrong! I doubt Zak will make an appearance today but Kris, Gaby, Archie and Cameron are all mad at me. I sighed angrily. Kris shouted at me yesterday. I’ve known him for well over a year now and I’ve never had him shout at me like that. He chose to believe Rhys over me. Rhys! I switched the tap off and started washing all the glasses. I jumped when a bedroom door opened. I held my breath praying it was someone who didn’t absolutely hate me right now. I turned to see Elliot. Of course it was, who else would be up at this ungodly hour.
“Good morning” I said, forcing a smile.
“You’re cheerful.” He said as he joined me in the kitchen. He went straight for the kettle. I didn’t know what to say back to Elliot. We hadn’t had a proper chat in quite a while, probably not since I’d been in hospital. I finished washing up the dishes and got a dishtowel out of the drawer. I started humming along to the song on the radio. I noticed Elliot get some cereal out of the cupboard. I didn’t pay Kris for that shopping yesterday. I don’t even know who put it away. I continued my humming along to the radio as I dried the dishes. Elliot stopped and stared and me. His head tilted to the side as if he was examining me. “Are you okay?”
“What do you mean?” I questioned him, confused. Of course I’m not okay. I’m trying my best to pretend.
“Everyone was giving you a hard time last night.” Elliot started. No shit Sherlock. Wait.
“How do you know that?” I asked. He’d been in his room all day. No one had even seen him. Who’d told him about the drama? I wasn’t looking at him. I was focussing on drying the glasses.
“My room is right there” He said, gesturing to the wall in the sitting room. “The walls are thin, I hear everything!” He explained sounding very annoyed by this fact.
“Oh” was all I mustered. “I don’t understand how everything got so bad so fast.” I said quietly, reluctantly leading myself into a conversation about last night.
“I don’t believe Gaby’s managed to cause you and Zak to break up.” He said. He agrees with me, though that may just be to his unexplainable hatred of Gaby. My eyes flooded. I couldn’t help it, Elliot saying that we had broken up stung. I wanted to defend our relationship but I couldn’t.
“Don’t cry.” Elliot said, putting his hand awkwardly on my shoulder.
“Sorry” I said. I wasn’t crying just all welled up.
“Do you want some breakfast?” He offered. I nodded. “Coco pops?” he checked. Again, I just nodded. I closed my eyes and squeezed them tightly shut somehow thinking that would magically make me stop crying. When I opened them Elliot was sitting both bowls onto the table.
“Thanks” I smiled tearfully as I took my seat at the table. It was strange to think about how Elliot and I used to be a couple. Our relationship was totally different to mine and Zak’s. I turned to Elliot for comfort when Becky died and he was there for me – in his own strange ways – but I didn’t love him. Right now sitting at the breakfast table alone with him is bizarre. We’re sat here eating breakfast in complete silence. I can even hear him chewing. I don’t think I was ever able to see a future for me and Elliot but with Zak it’s so easy to picture it. I felt my stomach drop. We’re together too much. He doesn’t know who I am anymore. I sighed tearfully and Elliot looked up at me probably expecting me to burst into tears again.
“What are you doing today?” I asked, trying to make this breakfast a little less awkward. It was one of those awkward situations where you have to wait for someone to finish their mouthful before they can continue.
“I think I’m going to meet up with people from” He continued speaking about his strange alien watchers group but I was too distracted to listen. I could hear people talking in the hall quietly and I couldn’t work out who it was. I was sat at the side of the table that faces the wall. To be able to see who it was I’d have to turn around and make it obvious I was being so nosey. Whoever it was they were now walking up the corridor. I kept an interested look on my face as I pretending to be listening to whatever Elliot was on about. I turned to my side and saw both Rhys and Natalie at the kitchen at the same time. Quickly and quietly making themselves some breakfast. “I am really looking forward to finding out the results of our trial run. Should be interesting.” I tuned back in on what Elliot had been saying to me the whole time.
“Sounds fascinating!” I smiled politely, making up a response on the spot and hoping it worked. He smiled in response looking pleased that I had listened. I turned and watched Rhys and Natalie awkwardly dance around each other in the kitchen each trying to get what they needed from various different cupboards. It was uncomfortable to watch. They wouldn’t look at each other. Natalie turned round to head back to her room and noticed I was staring. She looked as though she had carried out my plan from earlier, taking lots of food through to my room. She had a bowl of cereal, 2 cups filled with juice and 3 different bags of crisps all piled up in her hands. She stopped and looked at me and I had to turn away.
“Sorry” Natalie said and I looked at her again.
“For?” I asked. I didn’t mean it to come out sounding rude but it did.
“Last night.”
“For?” I repeated again still confused. As far as I’m concerned last night’s festivities had nothing to do with her.
“If you’d never walked in on us you’d never-” She began but I cut her off.
“Don’t start me.” I snapped, nastily.
Natalie just looked at me sadly then continued down to her room. I wasn’t meaning for that to happen but I didn’t shout after her. I heard her bedroom door close. Great, yet another day where she hides from what she’s done wrong.
“What’s the weather like outside?” Rhys asked. I shrugged. I couldn’t decide whether I was speaking to Rhys or not and he knew it. I could tell by the way he was acting. Asking about the weather, that’s the point when you realise you’re not friends with someone anymore when you only talk about non-confrontational things like the weather. Not that I particularly want to be friends with Rhys ever again.
“Today will be a lot warmer. There is no snow forecast for the foreseeable future.” Elliot sounded off as though he was a weather reporter on the news.
“Good.” Me and Rhys both said at the same time in a similar tone. Though I don’t see how the snow disappearing was going to magically fix any of the ruined friendships in this flat. I went back to munching on my coco-pops. Rhys pulled out a chair and joined us at the breakfast table. He had toast which I found strange since I hadn’t heard the toaster going.
I was waiting on Gaby walking out and seeing me sat here having breakfast with 2 of her least favourite people in the world.
Wait, where is Gaby?
Surely she’d have slept on the couch again like last night.
“Where did Gaby sleep last night?” I asked, looking at Rhys first and then Elliot since he magically seems to know about everything that goes on without even leaving his bedroom.
“I don’t know” Elliot said. “Or particularly care.”
“You’re so nice.” I said sarcastically. I turned to Rhys. He just shrugged awkwardly. Clearly giving what he was about to say a lot of thought in fear of us having an argument. I was pushing everything to the back of my mind right now to stay civil. The truth is I was being honest when I said I don’t know if I said it was fine. I was lost in my thoughts looking out that window. Anything could’ve been going on behind me and I wouldn’t have had a clue. Therefore I don’t think I can’t really judge Rhys until we have spoken to Cameron. Not that doing that will change anyone’s mind now. The damage has already been done. I gulped trying not to think about it again. Knowing that at the slightest mention of anything from yesterday I was likely to burst into tears.
“Maybe in with Kris?” He suggested though he didn’t want to think about it. It made me want to smile just to piss him off. I know I’m the only one but I still think that Gaby and Kris will one day get back together. I’ll never think differently.
“Yeah” I said sounding convinced with his suggestion. “Probably.”
“I’ll go check.” He said, standing up. Well that’s awkward. Elliot gave me a look to say he was thinking the same thing. Why does Rhys care so much anyway? Dick.
I didn’t even hear him open the door but within seconds he was walking back up the corridor again.
“She’s not there.” He said, trying not to worry.
“Archie and Gaby were the last ones left through here last night.” I said, “Gaby would’ve had to have stayed up with him and his mates. Maybe she ended up sleeping on Archie’s floor or something.” I said. She wouldn’t have snuck off in the middle of the night surely? Although after yesterday’s carry on, nothing would shock me. Rhys just nodded and wandered through to Archie’s room and this time – as Archie’s room was at the end of the corridor I could see him this time – He sort of hovered in his door way for a few seconds before closing it.
“She’s in there.” He said. I sighed with relieve, glad she hadn’t run off in the middle of the night to meet the real, existing human called Az. I expected Rhys to come back up the corridor but I blinked and he had disappeared into his own bedroom. I heard the door slam shut.
“What was that all about?” Elliot asked, dropping his spoon into his now empty cereal bowl.
“It’s Rhys, when is anything he does easily explained.” I sighed, shoving another spoonful of coco-pops into my mouths.
“Are you going to speak to Zak today?” Elliot asks.
“I don’t know.” I started being very honest about my thoughts. “I want to, obviously but I don’t want to fight.”
“Don’t you think you should at least make an effort?” Elliot asked harshly.
“He said he wanted space!” I said defending my decision. I can’t believe I’m having this conversation. Zak and I have been through way too much to just throw us away like that.
“I wouldn’t give him too much space. He could be out there with someone else right now.” I can’t believe Elliot just said that.
“He wouldn’t do that!” I snapped, angry now.
“No one thought you would ever do that.” Elliot said maliciously. My stomach sank. I never expected Elliot to say anything like that to me ever but it was true. I stood up off of my chair without giving him any response and stormed through into my bedroom slamming the door behind me. I dove onto my bed and curled up instantly. I picked up my phone and began phoning Alyson again.
“I’m coming home.” I said before she even got the opportunity to say anything.
“What?” she said sleepily. I had clearly woken her. I had deliberately rung the house phone so that it would definitely wake her. She has a phone that sits on her bedside table though so it wasn’t as if she’d actually had to leave her bed.
“I’m done. I can’t stay here anymore. I’m coming home” I stated confidently.
“You’re being ridiculous” She mumbled, clearly still not fully awake. I didn’t even know what time it was now. It must be nearly approaching 7 at least.
“I’m not Alyson.” I snapped. “I hate my course. My flatmates now hate me. My “boyfriend” definitely hates me and is out there fucking someone else.”
“That’s a heap of shit and you know it!” She said harshly, sounding a lot more awake now. “Zak would never do that.”
“But Elliot just said-“
“Oh and just because Elliot says something does that make it true?”
“No.” I reluctantly admitted.
“Exactly.” She said. “You’re not coming home. You love it there. You love all the people you spent hours ranting to me about last night.”
“No I don’t!” I bit back viciously.
“Lorna, you have to care about each other to argue as much as you lot do at the moment.” I thought about what she had said for a moment. She does have a point. As angry as I am at Gaby right now for her twisted Scooney killing lies I can’t help but worry about her. I know I’m right. I know she tripped me. I know that Az is a real life person. I’ve heard her speak to him. I’ve saw him text her. If this was just a random friend she wouldn’t need to deny it like that. That is what scares me so much.
“You have a point.” I confessed.
“Of course I do.” She said, sleepily. “I’m not just a pretty face!”
“Hmm” I responded cheekily. I heard her scoff pretending I had insulted her. “Can I go back to sleep now? Now that I’ve reminded you that you do love your flatmates.”
“Maybe.” I said. I didn’t really want her to go. The phone call last night and then this quick one this morning was the most we had chatted in a while and as much as it pains me to say this, all this drama that is happening right now makes me miss my sister.
“Goodnight!” She said and the line went dead. What a charmer. I walked out of my bedroom door and went up the hall. Elliot had gone back to his room and left his bowl - I will take responsibility for leaving mine – just sat there on the table. What would they do without me. Who else actually bothers to clean up. I ran the sink for the second time this morning. I heard Alicia start to fuss and decided I’d help Kris out by making up her bottle. It didn’t take me long and this time there was no one else in the kitchen to make me spill the formula. I chapped lightly on his door before just walking in.
“Good morning my little munchkin” I said, Kris was facing the other way with Alicia cuddled close to him so that she was looking over his shoulder. She looked at me cheerfully. Kris turned round quickly and looked at me in almost the opposite way Alicia had.
“What do you want?” He asked clearly having no patience for me today. I said nothing and just simply held the bottle up to him and he took it.
“Thanks.” He muttered ungratefully. “Stop trying to suck up.” He said harshly my eyes widened.
“I wasn’t-” I started. “Oh, I give up.” I said turning on my heel when I reached the sitting area someone’s phone was vibrating but I couldn’t see it anywhere. I stopped and followed the noise by the time I eventually found it the ringing had stopped. For some reason it was just lying below the table. Strange place. I picked it up and pressed the middle button. She had several missed calls in the past few hours from “Az”.
I knew I was right!
I stormed back through to Kris’ room. The door flew open as I burst into his room. Kris looked at me his eyes wide. They’d all been looking at me like that after my momentary lapse of judgement when I launched myself at Gaby yesterday.
“There’s some proof that I have no need to suck up for anything!” I said. He was now sat on his bed giving Alicia her bottle so rather than tossing the phone at him which was my original plan I held the phone up to his face and pressed the middle button.
“Not one, not two, not three, not even four but five missed calls from the Az who apparently doesn’t even fucking exist!” I watched his facial expression change dramatically. “If this person was just a random friend why would she deny it the way she did? Can you explain that to me?” I said. The way I was going on at Kris was scaring Alicia. “Sorry sweetie. I’m trying to make Daddy see.” I sat the phone on the bed beside Kris and he turned still looking at it in disbelief. I turned on my heel and went back up to the kitchen to finish the dishes. That’ll give him something to think about!

---
I was watching Big Bang Theory when Kris and Alicia appeared in the hall way.
“Where is she?” He asked.
“She’s asleep in Archie’s room.” I said. Kris sat Alicia on the floor and handed her a book to play with before sitting on the couch. I was now happy I’d cleaned up in here earlier, if I hadn’t there would’ve been no way we could’ve let Alicia play about on the floor.
“How did you get her phone?”
“It was below the table.” I said, helpfully pointing to the table.
“Right” He said before going back into his thoughts. I turned the TV down a little and left it flickering away in the background.
“Do you want some breakfast?” I asked. I was desperate for things to do today. It stopped me from thinking about Zak. Was he up yet? Did he want to see me today? Did he regret what he said? He’d been to the SU. He wasn’t drunk but he’d had a few drinks. Did he have as bad a sleep as I did?
“Please.” Kris said bringing me back to the real world.
“Toast?” I asked. There already wasn’t much milk left for cereal. He nodded and I walked over to the kitchen. I put the toast in the toaster and turned round to look at him sat there on the couch. I could only see the back of his head though. I wish I could tell what he was thinking.
“What do you know?” He asked. “No lies.”
“Kris there never were any lies!” I said, getting snappy.
He exhaled and turned to face me. “No arguing, just tell me what you know”
“Well yesterday morning I heard her speaking to someone on the phone. I can’t be sure of what she said but she called him Az and now she’s got all these missed calls. Why does she have to put so much effort into denying that she has a friend called Az?” He turned away from me again. His toast popped up out the toaster.
“Butter or Jam?” I asked as I opened the fridge.
“Jam please.” He said and I reached in for the jam the jar was all sticky. I quickly sorted his toast cut it in half, stuck the jam back in the fridge. I picked up the plate and handed it to him over the back of the couch. This caused Archie’s clothes to fall forward onto the couch beside Kris.
“Oops sorry” I said, walking round to the front of the couch past Alicia and picked them up.
“What’s that?” he asked before he took a bite of his toast.
“Archie’s clothes.” I told him as I placed the clothes back up on top of the back of the couch.
“Archie wears a bra?” Kris asked with a smirk. My eyes widened. The way the clothes were tossed on the floor had made me think-
No.
I’m wrong.
I have to be. I sat down on the couch next to Kris. I had to. I was in shock.
“What?” Kris asked.
“When I came through this morning” I paused. Should I be telling him this?! “there was lots of glasses and empty bottles and Archie’s close were tossed on the floor and I thought he’d have a girl in with him and Rhys went into Archie’s room and said Gaby was in there and stormed off and” I was very aware I wasn’t making much sense and I hurriedly explained all this to Kris. His eyes widened. He stood up and marched down to Archie’s bedroom and similarly to Rhys quietly opened the door.
“She’s fucked him.” He said as he marched back up the hall. He took another piece of his toast and started eating it angrily. I wanted to laugh. I so badly wanted to laugh. It was hilarious but yet not at all funny at the same time. “Alicia had a bad night last night and she was fu-” He started angrily.
“Don’t start that when you’re-” I paused to think of the better word to use arguing or talking. “chatting about it later. She’ll throw the night Alicia was born back at you.” I said. I didn’t need her to be reminded of that right now either, Kris almost missing Alicia being born because we were doing what Gaby and Archie had obviously done last night. Kris made a face. I didn’t know what it was meant to mean.
“They must’ve been pretty wasted.” I said helpfully. God knows why I was making excuses for Gaby after all her manipulative twisted lies yesterday. “This place was a state when I woke up.”
“When did you get up?” Kris asked. I was surprised by this. I thought he’d continue on a rant about Gaby but he didn’t. He took another bite of his toast.
“I’m not sure. I was up, showered and dressed and through here by quarter past 6.” I sighed. “I didn’t really sleep.” It was now about 20 to 8.
“Me either” He sighed. He put his plate on the floor and I picked it up and walked over to the sink. “You didn’t have to do that.” He said, turning round to look at me.
“I’d rather keep busy!” I said as I tried the plate off and sat it back in the cupboard.
“Have you spoken to him?” Kris asked. I dropped the plate into the sink trying to focus on cleaning the jam off of either side.
“No.” I stated. I didn’t want to be reminded of that fact right now. With Kris deciding to speak to me like a normal person it was a lot easier to act like everything was okay. I was deliberately not bringing up anything else from yesterday, the formula, the tripping. With Kris being able to see that there actually is an Az maybe just maybe he might realise that I didn’t lie about the other 2 situations either but I was too scared to question him on it. I walked back over and sat down next to Kris, he was watching Alicia intently.
“Can we not tell anyone about the Az thing? Or the Archie thing please?” Kris asked without turning to face me.
“Who am I going to tell?” I sort of laughed but followed it up with a sigh. It was a depressing thought. Another bedroom door opened and both myself and Kris’ eyes shot to the corridor.
It was Cameron. If only he’d been there yesterday. I was desperate for him to explain to me what happened last night but at the same time I was scared to ask him in front of Kris. I hate the atmosphere in this flat at the moment. It’s like I’m scared to even breathe.
“How are you guys this morning?” Cameron said as he walked into the sitting area. He was dressed which seemed strange to me since everyone else I’d seen this morning had been walking about it the clothes they’d slept in. It was still before 8 o’clock though. I waited for Kris to respond but he didn’t. “You seem to have calmed down quite a bit.” He said to me personally.
“Sorry.” I apologised feeling guilty that everyone had to witness all of my various outbursts of the day before.
“Lorna” Kris started. I didn’t like how he sounded. “Did you drink yesterday?” He asked carefully. I didn’t think it had been obvious. I looked away from him and breathed in preparing myself to answer.
“Yes.” I admitted shamefully. “It wasn’t very much. While Zak was at the SU bar I may have had a few vodka shots in my room but that was all. After Zak” I gulped “left to go to Isaacs I didn’t have any more. I promise. I was just so” I paused, struggling to think of a way to explain how I was feeling. I couldn’t look at either of them. “I was a mess. I honestly felt like I was drowning. You were all telling me I was wrong. For the third time in such a short space of time none of you believed me and I swear to you I wouldn’t lie. Yes, okay I may have lied to Gaby a few times when she didn’t know about Rhys and Natalie but that was to protect her and I know that was wrong now. Believe me I know how bad it was.” I said, with a lump in throat. I swallowed in an attempt not to cry. “But what kind of person do all of you think I am all of a sudden if you’d all believe that I would lie about being tripped up and lie about Alicia!”
“What’s this?” Cameron asked, confused. I thought someone would’ve asked him already last night when he got back in. They obviously had no doubt in what Rhys had said. I didn’t say anything. I wanted to hear how Kris explained this to Cameron.
“Yesterday after you left there was a bit of panic about Alicia” he began. At the mention of her name all 3 of us turned to look at her sat there quite content playing with the book Kris had given her earlier. It had a mirror on one of the pages and she seemed to be enjoying watching her own reflection. “We didn’t know where she was.”
“Rhys had her.” Cameron said instantly. “Were you guys not okay with that?”
“The problem was we didn’t know Rhys had her.” Kris said, filling him in. “then Rhys came out and said Lorna knew where she was the whole time.” Cameron started shaking his head as Kris spoke and I could feel the relief flush my whole body.
“Well he was talking crap.” Cameron said. I was enjoying listening to his brilliant American accent right now. Although why you’d choose to come from Chicago to Chester, I will never know. “Lorna sat in silence staring out of that window” he pointed at the window that Zak had dumped me next to yesterday. “She was in some sort of strange trance. Zak went to the bathroom. Rhys came out and asked if he could have some time with Alicia and I said that it was fine with me but Lorna said nothing. She didn’t even look at him. She just kept focussed out of that window.” He continued. “She didn’t say a word until practically seconds before you got back from the shop. Even though Zak tried to involve her in the conversation quite a few times”
My eyes fell to the floor. If Cameron had just left the flat seconds later yesterday maybe me and Zak wouldn’t have had such a bad falling out. I could feel Kris looking at me. He’d still be mad, of course he would. He doesn’t want Rhys near Alicia just like me and I didn’t stop him but I swear I was in another world yesterday.
“Sor-” Kris started but stopped when we heard another door opening down the hall. This time Archie appeared out, strolling up the hall acting his usual self. He went straight to the kitchen and got himself a glass of water. No wonder considering the amount he must’ve drank last night.
“Who tidied in here?” He asked, making the observation that the place was obviously cleaner than he had left it last night.
“Me” I said. “Looks like you had a good night?” I said, trying to smirk. I thought again about Gaby and Archie and the mind boggles! Sleeping with Archie was almost as low as sleeping with Rhys. Archie’s eyes widened in panic. I don’t think he could work out if we knew.
“Is Gaby still asleep?” Kris asked. Archie couldn’t look at him in the face.
“No.” He said. “She’s just gone for a shower.” No wonder! Her skin must feel like it’s crawling!
“Can you tell her I want to speak to her?” Kris said directly to Archie. “I want to give her her phone back.” He continued, before picking Alicia up off of the floor and walking through into his bedroom and shutting the door. Cameron made some comment about what was on the TV and took the remote which was sat next to him and turned the TV up.
“So where’s Zak?” Archie asked me and I had to stop myself from screaming at him. He was there, trying to convince him not to go! I decided it was best not to reply. If he makes a ridiculous joke I will burst into tears. Cameron had just given me the proof that I needed last night. I’ve proved that this Az guy does exist! But yet the one person that I am the most upset about still believes I’m a lying heartless cow. I looked away from him and focussed my attention on the TV. “What?” Archie asked and I turned to look at him again, a confused expression covering my face. He looked disappointed. I looked at him expectantly for an explanation but he didn’t give me one. I turned back to the TV again.
“I thought he’d have come back.” Archie said quietly. He sounded sad which surprised me. I thought he’d be happy!
“I didn’t. He meant every word he said.” I sighed. Tears flooded my eyes. I turned away from Archie. They’ll all think I’m being pathetic. They all think we’ll make up and everything will be fine straight away but not this time. They didn’t see the way he looked at me yesterday. He has never acted like that with me before, never.
My phone buzzed as it sat on the coffee table and I looked at it with utter confusion. I leant forward and picked it up. Please be Zak. Please. I sighed as I looked at the message.

8.32am Steph:
Hi! Come down to MOBs to help shovel snow? Pleaassseeeee!

I text her back immediately, Sure, be down in 10, and stood up off of the couch to head to my room.
“Where are you going?” Archie asked. He was probably scared about what Kris would say about him and Gaby. Oh Gaby and Archie. I cannot get over it. What Rhys did earlier now made a lot of sense but in a way it was almost pay back. He walked in on them naked and asleep in the same bed and poor Gaby actually had to witness them … you know.
“MOBs to shovel snow” I said, my lack of enthusiasm was definitely showing.
“Oh Okay.” He said, indifferent.
I was ready and heading out the door in less than a minute. I quickly ran down the stairs and headed out of the front door to halls.
Fuck. It’s freezing. I took one step outside and my foot sank into the snow. It actually looks like Narnia out here. I smiled to myself as I saw a few students getting into trouble for snowballs. Clearly didn’t listen to Kris’ warning on the radio! I had meant to ask him the story behind that yesterday before all the drama that ensued. If I’d to ask him today he’d probably eat me. Sure we had just had a chat but that doesn’t mean I’m forgiven. He’ll still believe that I made up that Gaby tripped me and he’ll still be angry about the spilt formula. I didn’t know Gaby was struggling with money, did I? and even though it was her fault I did offer to pay for a new tub of formula. It hurt me that our relationship was that badly ruined that I didn’t know that. If things are that bad I could easily give her a loan. My smile turned into a frown. I can’t believe the mess of things. It’s been like a chain of dominoes. One thing turns bad and everything else just follows. Who know who’s going to end up hating me next. I got to MOBs surprisingly fast considering the weather. I could see Steph, Tom, Adam and a girl – who I’m going to guess is Gracie – all hovering outside Mobs.
“Lorna!” Tom said excitedly. At least there’s still someone in Hollyoaks happy to see me! He bent down quickly and started to make a snowball. I watched him carefully, preparing to duck when it came flying my way. I jumped out of my skin when one hit me right on my shoulder. That didn’t come from Tom. I saw Adam stood laughing hysterically most probably at my reaction. I’m not in the mood for this. I held my hands up in defeat as I walked towards them.
“Hello. You were quicker than I thought you’d be.” Steph said. She looked like she was going ski-ing. By all means yes it was cold and there was snow but as per usual Steph had taken things to the extreme with her bright pink jacket and matching pink waterproof trousers. “Thought you’d still be in bed”
“Nope, I’ve been up for hours!” I sighed. “So, what are we doing?” I asked, trying to think about anything not related to Gaby or Zak or any other drama happening back at halls. I wonder if Kris had had a chance to speak to Gaby yet.
“The roads are clear now so if we help clear paths around MOBs and around here” She explained, gesturing around the village. “then the village may actually be able to function again.”
“Thank god” Gracie said. This was the first time I’d properly looked at her. She looked how I imagined she would, dark hair – I couldn’t really tell how long it was since she was wearing a hat, slim, shorter than me, pretty. She was actually making me feel pretty crappy about myself to be honest. I hadn’t even washed my hair this morning because I would’ve been to early to be able to use the hairdryer and I thought I’d just be moping about the flat all day so I hardly had any make up on either. Just a little bit of mascara.
“You two haven’t met yet have you?” Adam chirped in. “Gracie, Lorna, Lorna, Gracie” He said, pointing to each of us as he said our names.
“Hi” I said, forcing myself to smile. I doubt today I’d make a very good first impression.
“Hey” she smiled back cheerfully.
“Where’s Zak?” Tom interrupted. Oh here we go.
“Zak?” Gracie said quickly as I was bracing myself to answer the question.
“Lorna’s boyfriend” Tom said.
“Oh, Okay” Gracie smiled.
“They’re always together!” He said teasingly, watching me for my reaction expecting me to laugh and deny it.
“Tom, shut up! I don’t even know where he is!” I said, it came out rather viciously. His little face just dropped. That and the look on the other 3’s faces let me know how bad that had sounded. “Sorry” I said instantly, my stomach sinking. Now I’m even upsetting Tom! “Our whole flats had a falling out. I’m not in the best of moods”
“It’s okay.” Tom said. “We’ll cheer up you!” He smiled and I forced myself to smile back at him. I highly doubt that is possible.

---

2 hours later and it is now possible to walk around the main area of the village without having to step in the snow. There were paths leading up to each of the shop doors. I don’t see why Steph got us to do it. Yeah it was a good idea and it helps everyone out but isn’t this the councils job? The 5 of us; Steph, Tom, Adam, Gracie and me were now all in Il Ghosh. Tony had given us each a free hot chocolate to thank us for what we’d done.
“When are you back at school?” Adam asked Tom and Tom’s eyes raised heavenward.
“Well we were meant to go back yesterday.” Tom smirked.
“You’ll be back tomorrow” Steph told him cheekily and he pulled a grumpy face and I smiled. I admire Steph so much for looking after Tom. He was her husband’s brother and now she’s like his mum. She’s so good with him. “So you’ll be going to bed early tonight” She said sticking her tongue out.
“What?!” Tom sighed disappointedly.
“Right, we’re going to get going” Gracie smiled. “It was good to meet you!” She said directly to me and I politely smiled back. “I’ll see you all on Saturday” Saturday must be the next time she’s in work.
“And I’ll see you tomorrow” Adam said to me. “Since the boss says we’ve had enough snow days already.”
I smiled reluctantly. “See you then” I said. I watched as both of them walk away. I’d been watching them the whole time we’d been snow scooping and hot chocolate drinking. Adam wasn’t lying when he said he wanted them to be together. The way he looked at her was adorable, any other day apart from today I’d love it. Today I was just jealous since it was the absolute polar opposite to how Zak had looked at me last night. I’ve never seen him like that and it hurt.
“Steph, Can Lorna come round?” Tom pleaded. The way he said it I sounded like I was a kid his age.
“Of course she can. She can always come round whenever she likes!” Steph said, more to me than to Tom. I think she’d realised things must be bad at halls with the way I’d been all afternoon. “But I think today she should go talk to Zak!” She looked at me trying to gauge my reaction, “Maybe then she’ll actually be normal smiley Lorna”
I sighed. “I’ve not been that bad have I?” I’d chatted to everyone. I’d worked my butt off to clear the snow. I’d laughed when Adam fell on top of the snowman that him and Tom spent a good half an hour perfecting. I’d tried my best to be “normal smiley Lorna” .
“You have.” Tom smirked and I smiled.
“Thanks bud!” I replied cheekily.
“Go!” Tom said bossily.
“Bye then!” I huffed jokingly and stood up and walked away. “I’ll see you both tomorrow!” I waved to them as I walked out of Il Gnosh, thanking Tony again on the way out of the door for my hot chocolate.

I was about half way home when I saw him walking towards me. I didn’t know what to do. We got closer and closer. I couldn’t work out if he’d noticed me yet.
“Hello” I said. It came out sounding odd.
“Hi” Zaksaid, awkwardly.
“Are you going home?” I asked, noticing he had the same bag that he had taken from room yesterday along with all the stuff he kept in my room. Space? You don’t take all your stuff back if you just want space.
“Yeah.” He said. He was deliberately avoiding looking me in the eye.
“Can I come?” I asked, it was very forward of me but I just want to sort things out. Zak started shaking his head and my stomach plummeted. “Please” I said, grabbing his hand, he pulled straight away from me again.
“Lorna, I meant what I said last night. We need space.”
“That’s practically breaking up!” I said as if the idea was ridiculous. It is ridiculous. We go to together. We work! I watched Zak for a few seconds and he shrugs. I mention us breaking up and he shrugs?! Shrugs?!
My eyes flooded with tears. “Are you trying to ruin us?”
“Are you trying to ruin us?” He asked. “The way you acted you yesterday was awful and the lies…”
“I DIDN’T LIE!” I shouted at him. “Why don’t you believe me?” I asked and suddenly I was scared of the answer. He was quiet for a long time.
“Because that’s what you do.” He said spitefully. “You don’t tell anyone anything.”
“I tell you everything!” I said and he gave a ridiculous laugh.
“You’re just digging yourself further into this hole” He said, shaking his head. Both of us were quiet for a long time. I was starting to cry. The atmosphere around us looked like a scene from a rom com with the still snow covered ground but we were the opposite.
“Right, bye.” Zak muttered as he walked away. I wanted to follow him but I already knew it wouldn’t work. Something had changed and I couldn’t explain it.
“Yeah! Love you too!” I shouted after him sarcastically before bursting into tears as I slowly walked back to the flat.

Gaby's POV

Oh god. I felt sick and it wasn’t just because of the alcohol that poisoned my body. I jumped out of the bed, taking the duvet with me, only for Archie to snatch it back out of my hands so that I was left standing completely naked.
“Archie!” I screamed, trying to cover as much of myself up with my hands.
“I don’t want you to see me naked!” He shrieked back.
“Oh but it’s fine for me?!” I snapped, grabbing his coat that hung up on the back of the door and holding it up in front of me like a shield. I hoped he couldn’t see me behind it.
“Well obviously I want to see you naked.” His sleazy voice replied. I gulped. Vomit was seriously threatening to come up. What the hell have I done? My skin was crawling, it was actually crawling.
“This is disgusting.” I said, my voice sounding almost as though I was in pain.
“Thanks. You were fabulous too. We should do this again sometime.” Archie joked, putting his pants on. I kept my eyes closed just in case I accidentally saw anything. Oh my god, ew, that was inside of me!
“I feel sick.” I commented, taking a deep breath. I was seriously worried I might throw up and I was still stood here naked, the coat shielding this view from Archie.
“You’re a real charmer.”
“Shut up Archie!” I snapped. “This is so bad. I’m going to be classed as the Halls bike! Three people in one flat!”
“Lorna’s on three too.” Archie commented after some time. I grit my teeth. Okay, so that was true, it still didn’t make it good. Oh my god Archie!
“Where are my clothes?” I complained, my voice quivering like it does when people pretend to cry… I wasn’t sure if I was pretending or not though. I’ve seriously never felt so low.
“Um, here’s someth –shit, oops, think we had an accident.” He held up my top and I saw a massive shred right down the middle.
“Did you rip it off of me or something?!”
“I don’t even remember.” Archie was holding in a laugh.
“Well give me something to wear then!” I said as he stood staring at me. This is so awkward! He was pretty much dressed now and turned to rummage through his drawers.
“I’ve got these as well if you want them.” He threw a pair of knickers at me. I recoiled instantly and almost dropped the coat that gave me the tiny bit of dignity I could maintain.
“That’s disgusting! I’m not having someone else’s used underwear!”
“It’s clean!” He laughed. I stared at him, furious but feeling like laughing myself now. The ridiculousness of this situation was just coming to me.
“Whose were they?” I asked, my eyes narrowed.
“Some girls, but I swear they’re clean. I put them through the wash myself.”
“And you kept them?”
He shrugged. “Souvenir.”
“Gross, Archie.” I said, and I chucked them back at him. I’d rather go without underwear than wear some slags cast offs. “Where’s my bra?” I asked, motioning for him to turn around whilst I shrugged on the tshirt he’d picked out for me. I was thrilled to see it was just a regular plain black one and not something with naked ladies on or something.
“I don’t know. None of my clothes from last night are in here.”
“You’re kidding.” I said slowly. I went to put my jeggings on but saw they had a deep red stain from what looked like wine. I didn’t even drink any wine last night! I looked up at Archie, eyes wide.
“Got any pants?” I asked, and I couldn’t help but laugh. He smiled and rooted around in his drawers again, pulling out the baggiest pair of jeans ever. “Seriously?” I laughed. “I’m going to look so gangster.”
“Wait I have a cap!”
“No!” I laughed but he already put it on my head, to the side. I didn’t even have to look in a mirror to know I looked the definition of hip hop.
“Reckon people are up?” Archie asked, listening at the door. I couldn’t hear anybody but it was already daylight. Alicia had without a doubt woken up and if my bra was out there with Archie’s clothes… well, Kris would be having serious words with me for starters.
“Yes. Alicia will have woken hours ago.” I said slowly. “Look, people will have probably already figured it out if our clothes are tossed around everywhere, but don’t you bring it up! Okay? If we have some way of keeping this a secret…”
“Gotcha.” He said, winking. “So we not making this a regular thing then?”
I hit him hard on the arm. He jumped away from me but laughed all the same.
“Now go out there and act natural! I’m showering.” I said, shoving him hard. Whilst he walked down the corridor I darted into the bathroom before anyone could have the chance to see I was with him. As soon as the door closed I heaved into the toilet, throwing up all the alcohol from last night and anything else that might have entered my mouth. Oh god, Archie, of all the people in the world I chose to have drunk sex with Archie! I mean, yeah, as a friend I love him. I would choose to hang out with him, and have a laugh with him any time. But sex was never ever on the table. I wish I could remember what the fuck happened last night that made me think that would be a good idea.

-

“Yo, Yo, Yo!” I jumped into the sitting room, the cap on backwards over my wet hair and with my best gangster pose ever. The only people in there were Archie, Elliot and Cameron. I was a little surprised Kris wasn’t there. I looked around quickly to see if Alicia was around but there was no sign of her either.
“Good night?” Cameron smirked. I looked at Archie who just gave me a sheepish look.
“Well that secret lasted a long time.” I said sarcastically but trying not to let it get to me. “Did we have any bandages left last night? My arm started bleeding again in the shower.” I said annoyed to Archie, not looking him in the eye because I couldn’t face the look of pity I’m sure he’d put on. The cut on my arm stung like hell, just above my elbow. It wasn’t exactly massive, but it was deeper than it looked and I couldn’t stop the blood from seeping out.
“Yeah. Hold on.” Archie jumped up from the sofa and walked into the kitchen. I followed him through, getting some kitchen roll on route to dab at my cut.
“What happened to your arm?” Cameron asked curiously. I didn’t really have a response to that. I sort of stared at him like a dumb person for a second.
“Oh I just cut it last-”
“She says she cut it.” Archie cut in, rolling his eyes casually. I turned to stare at him. “I did it by accident. Smashed a bottle and somehow she managed to roll over and yank her skin.” He gave me a look like we were both very foolish to have let something like this happened. For a moment I looked at him confused, but then I put on the same fake smile.
“Yeah, I really don’t know how that happened. Must’ve been pretty drunk.” I shrugged at Cameron, who seemed to believe this charade and turned back to his laptop. Archie grabbed my arm and, just like last night, started wrapping a bandage around it. Except this time he put a couple of plasters over the cut first.
“Thanks.” I said when he’d finished, holding his hand for a second so he’d know I wasn’t only thanking him for sticking a bandage around my arm.
“It’s fine. Er, Kris wanted to see you... In his room. He said he had your phone.” Archie explained, looking a little worried himself.
“From your expression I’m guessing he wasn’t exactly happy?”
“No.” He replied bluntly. I sighed, shaking my head. Well, I guess this was expected. I’d come to terms with the fact that what I did last night was disgusting, I was sort of hoping that if people found out it would be all laughs and jokes but obviously that was silly of me to even think. Because when anything happens to me it’s very very bad, apparently.

I opened Kris’ door and jumped into his room, striking my pose like I did to the others just before.
“Sup Homie?” I said, smiling and hoping to lighten the mood. A wave of cold hit me as I focussed on Kris. He was angry. Probably angrier now that I’d waltzed in like nothing was wrong. But honestly, nothing was wrong! I saw Alicia, gurgling to herself in the cot, chewing on Alvin’s ear.
“Good night?” Kris’ voice was full of venom
“Fab thanks.” I replied back, my tone almost as bitter as his. Funny how my mood can change so quickly.
“Archie’s clothes look good on you.” He said, eyes narrowed with what was either disgust or jealousy. I couldn’t tell.
“Well, I was gonna ask for some of yours, but I’m not a fan of tight leopard print so…” I shrugged casually, walking over so that I could pick Alicia up. Her eyes lit up at the sight of me and I held her close to me, giving her a few kisses before facing Kris. “How was she last night?”
“Fine, no thanks to you.” He mumbled back. I glared at him, angry now.
“Now what’s up?”
“You aren’t seriously asking me that, are you?” He asked annoyed.
“Yeah? I mean, I’m the one who should be disgusted and repulsed. I just slept with Archie for God’s sake! That’s punishment enough.” I said, feeling a little sick at the thought of it again. If only Archie wasn’t known for being a womaniser, maybe the thought of him wouldn’t quite make me as ill as it does. I mean, we are pretty good friends, and he’s not that bad looking. I pictured him in my head and shivered at the thought of him. Okay, no, he’s gross.
“I’m sorry I didn’t help out with Alicia last night. Was she really fine or..?”
“No I was up with her a lot in the night.” Kris said quietly, not looking me in the eye.
“Well now you know what my life is like.” I said back. It was a bit of a lie. To be honest I was surprised Alicia had been awake in the night, she usually sleeps right through. I just don’t get any sleep because I have too much shit going on.
Kris had been silent for a while.
“I spoke to Lorna today.” He finally said, looking me dead in the eye for a reaction. I just frowned.
“Why?” It was an honest question. Last time I saw Kris he looked like he hated Lorna more than me. I’d never seen him so angry.
“She had some interesting things to say.” He said slowly. I didn’t know why but my heart rate increased. I was scared, but I had no reason to be. I’d done nothing wrong. Not really.
“Like?” I pressed on. In response, Kris reached out to his desk for something. I saw what it was as he picked it up. My phone. Okay, that made a little bit more sense. Archie said he had it. Then it hit me. Of course, Arrow had probably been ringing or at least texting me. It’s what he does because he’s such a controlling person. I stared at the phone in Kris’ hand, hoping I might be able to see what he knew, but it just lay black in his hands.
“So, tell me again who Az is?” Kris asked, knowing that I couldn’t deny his existence anymore. He knew he was real. Hell, he might have even spoken to him if he rang and Kris answered the phone. I knew Kris couldn’t have got on to actually see any messages from him, but I was worried Arrow may have sent a text giving away too much information in the first sentence. Kris would’ve been able to see that. I hoisted Alicia up onto my hip as she began to slip.
“A friend.” I finally admitted, even though it wasn’t quite the truth. You’re supposed to trust friends but I wouldn’t trust Arrow to look after my toothbrush.
“You’re admitting he’s a real guy then? That you lied yesterday?” Kris seemed too calm. I was waiting for the storm to arrive.
“Yeah, I did.” I said slowly. He clicked on the home button on my phone and frowned at the screen.
“Just a friend?” He asked again. I nodded. “What’s so urgent that made him call five times before 9 in the morning?”
Five times? Oh Arrow! It was almost embarrassing.
“So why’d you lie?” Kris asked, his voice getting colder.
“Why do you think?” I snapped back. I put Alicia back into the cot, worried that an argument was about to erupt between me and Kris. It wouldn’t be the first time. We pretty much met by having an argument.
“Is he dangerous?”
“Who even said it was a he?” I said laughing. I mean, yes it is a he, but Az could be short for anything.
“Is it a man?”
“Yes, but that’s not the point.” I said again, rolling my eyes. I wasn’t in the mood for a fight. I wasn’t in the mood for Kris being so petty and overprotective.
“Just tell me who he is, Gaby! Tell me why you lied!” He was close to shouting, standing up from the bed now so he could tower over me. I took a step back, my eyes glaring up at him.
“I lied because I didn’t want this… this judgment! Does it matter that I have other friends, seriously? Why is it a big deal if I’m meeting up with someone you’ve never heard of, but if Lorna does it no one cares? If Zak disappears off to Isaac’s, someone he’s never even mentioned before, no one bats a fucking eye lid! When you said you were meeting up with someone in town, and it turned out to be Karl, did you see me flipping out? No! I didn’t know who you were seeing. I didn’t ask twenty questions, and judge, and make a fuss over nothing. Give me a break!” I shouted at him, angry now. He stared back at me, a frown on his face.
“That fact you lied about it just makes it worse!” He snapped back. I rolled my eyes.
“I just told you why I lied Kris.”
“Okay then, so can I meet him?”
“Why the fuck would you want to meet him? You’re never going to see him, Kris!”
“I want to know what he’s like. I don’t want anyone dangerous around my daughter.” His eyes darted to Alicia and then back to me. I widened my eyes at that, seriously worried I might slap him for saying it.
“And you think I do? It’s called trust Kris! I trust you enough to hook up with Karl even though I hardly know him! You don’t see me telling you that I have to have a formal interview with him or something ridiculous like that. Chill the fuck out!” I screamed back. I’ve never felt so much annoyance towards him. I mean, yes, to be fair, Kris has a point. Should I be bringing Arrow into Alicia’s life? No. That’s why I’m not. I think Kris thinks that I’m in some kind of relationship with Arrow when I’m really, really not.
“Also, I have no plans to start a relationship with him. He will never be a part of Alicia’s life.” I added when Kris didn’t respond. There was a silence where Kris seemed to absorb what I’d said. I couldn’t be certain, but it looked like I was changing his mind. His face relaxed a little and he seemed to be concentrating hard.
“I still think you should have just told me the truth.” He finally said after a minute. I shook my head.
“You still wouldn’t have let it drop. If I told you I was going out to meet a friend, you’d flip out. It’s totally unfair.” I said exactly what I was thinking. “You’re too controlling, Kris.”
“I have reasons.” He muttered back. The anger in his voice was reducing greatly. “I mean, you’re not exactly in a stable place right now.”
“Yeah and sometimes I think you make it worse.” I snapped back, not meaning to try to start another argument but I was in the mood for venting now. “I’m seriously considering leaving this place sometime soon so I can just start again. I can’t stand being treated like a prisoner all the time. Having my every move watched. Did you really think I couldn’t hear you and Archie talking the other night? I’m not stupid Kris.” I glared at him again. His eyes were wide. I think that shocked him. Every time I tell them I’ve overheard a conversation they seem to freak out, like it will only make me worse.
“I clearly have a right to be worried.” His finger pointed to the bandage on my arm.
“Ask Archie how that happened, he’s your best pal now, he can explain.” I said sarcastically. Kris just frowned at me.
“You really think I’m going to believe that was some kind of accident?”
“It’s always some kind of accident, baby, but whatever.” I reached into the cot to grab Alicia again.
“What are you doing?” Kris asked quickly, moving over to try and stop me from taking her but it was too late.
“I’m taking her home. The snow’s clearing now.” I said, picking Alvin up out of the cot and handing him to Alicia.
“I’m not letting you take her when you’re-”
“When I’m what?” I hissed back. I started gathering Alicia’s things in a bag as I continued speaking. “I’m perfectly capable of looking after her no matter how mad you make me. I have fed her, and bathed her, and clothed her for 5 and a half months, Kris. I’m her legal guardian. I’m the one that pays for absolutely everything for her and you’ve never even chipped in a penny! Even Rhys used to buy her nappies and things occasionally! He did more than you’ve ever done and he turned out to be the worst guy on the planet. What does that tell you?” I looked at him disgusted but he just stared at me blankly. I swung Alicia’s bag onto my other shoulder and carried her towards the door. Kris moved to follow me but I turned back to him to stop him. “Sometimes I question whether you’re her Dad or just a sperm donor?” I moved towards the door to leave but I couldn’t quite do it. I paused, my hand on the door knob. Kris hadn’t responded to what I’d said. I couldn’t see him behind me but I assumed he remained stood where I’d left him, shocked by what I’d just said. Hell, I was shocked by what I’d just said. Did I believe it? No. Of course not. It just came out because I was angry and needed something dramatic to say. I turned around. He was staring at the wall, eyes wide, mouth slightly open.

“Kris I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. I’m just angry.” I said, walking back over to him and placing Alicia back in the cot as I did so. She gave a whine of complaint but then seemed to get over it when she found a light up toy. “Kris.” I tugged his arm. His eyes flicked towards me. He looked fuming.
“How can you say that to me?” He snapped angrily. I took a step back.
“I’m sorry.”
“No. No. You can’t just say something like that to me Gaby.” He said, his voice raised. He towered over me and I retreated further, my heart racing a little bit. “You can’t say that when I have been here both for you and for Alicia since the moment I came back. I haven’t left your side after absolutely all the shit you’ve put me through!” He followed me with every step I took back so that now I was stood with my back flat against the wall. I looked over to Alicia who was thankfully too busy playing with her toy to notice what was going on. I didn’t want her to see us angry.
“Kris, I know. I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean it.” I said, and I noticed the panic in my voice. Was I scared of Kris? No. But then again he did hurt my wrists pretty bad over Christmas. I was starting to think maybe I should be scared of him, and then I realised who I was thinking about. It’s Kris, for crying out loud, he wouldn’t hurt me.
His jaw was tight and he stared at me with so much hatred that I didn’t know what I could possibly say to get rid of it. After it had been quiet for a while I took a risk and put my hand on his chest to push him away from me a little bit. When he didn’t budge, I spoke.
“Kris, please you’re scaring me.” I admitted. It was the truth though. He was scaring me. I wasn’t sure if it was because of what happened at Christmas or because of everything with Arrow. But I was scared no matter how much I tried to convince myself that he was harmless. He closed his eyes in frustration and turned away from me. My first instinct was to grab Alicia and run, but I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t leave now. He walked over to his bed and sat down, putting his head in his hands. I paused for a minute, unsure of what to do, and then I followed and sat down next to him. He didn’t say anything. I didn’t say anything either. I just waited until his head eventually came up out of his hands, and his fingers unclenched, and he seemed calmer. Only then did I very cautiously reach out and grab his hand. I thought for a second that it was a mistake and he’d pull it out of my grip and shout at me again, but instead he sighed and his grip relaxed. I leaned my head up against his shoulder.
“What’s wrong with me Kris?” I said. It slipped out. I didn’t realise I felt so emotional. My voice was thick and I realised now that tears were threatening to spill out of my eyes.
“I don’t know.” Kris replied, and my heart dropped a little bit. Did that mean he thought something was wrong with me? I felt panic rise up inside of me now. I had to retract what I’d said. He can’t think I have any problems. He can’t get any ideas of what I’ve been doing.
“I don’t know why I got so angry. I think it’s just because I already felt furious with myself after what happened last night.” I mumbled in response, hoping it would divert his thoughts enough.
“I know.” He said back. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking.
“I’m sorry. You know I think you’re the best Dad for Alicia, right?” I said sincerely. Kris gave my hand a squeeze.
“I’m sorry I scared you.” He said with a sigh. “I just can’t deal with this right now, Gaby.”
“With what?”
“With you. Running off to random guys I’ve never heard of, or disappearing all night and then finding out you got drunk and slept with Archie! You realise I’ve never really had Alicia all night before? Not without knowing where you are in case something happened anyway. I didn’t really know what to do…” He said slowly, and I had a feeling he was thinking back to what I’d said earlier.
“She looks pretty perfect though. You must’ve done a good job.” I said back, hoping to boost his mood.
“She was awake for more of the night than she slept.”
“Only because she isn’t used to this place.” I said back hoping to make him feel better. He just shook his head, clearly feeling depleted. I felt so guilty it was untrue.
“Look at me.” Kris said, and I did what he said and lifted my head off of his shoulder, staring straight into his eyes. “Is this Az guy dangerous?”
“No.” I said back instantly. It was such a lie. He was going to figure it out. He looked back at me for a second.
“And you’re not involved with him?”
“No.” I said with a bit of a laugh. Again Kris stared at me. Then he frowned and I was worried.
“Did you trip Lorna up yesterday?” He asked suddenly. My eyes widened in shock. I wasn’t expecting him to ask that.
“No!” I responded quickly. He just continued to look at me for a long time. I wasn’t sure what to do so I stared back, holding my ground. Then he shook his head.
“I don’t know what to believe anymore.” He said and he sounded so lost that it confused me
“What do you mean?”
“It’s like you have some kind of veil over you now. Like you learnt how I could tell when you were lying. Rhys said the same to me yesterday.” He said slowly. He spoke to Rhys yesterday? Where was I? I found it strange that Kris was talking to him by choice. I found it painful that they had been talking about me, but then again what else would they have to talk about?
“So you can’t tell anymore?” I asked, and I tried to hide the pleased expression that flashed across my face as the revelation came to me. He watched me closely and I frowned. “Then you have to just trust me. Why would I have purposely tripped Lorna? After everything she’s been through, do you really think I’d want to hurt her or put her at risk in any way? Yes, I hate her, but I don’t want to make her sick or even kill her! She just had brain surgery!” I said, hoping it sounded like I was telling the truth. I couldn’t tell who I was trying to convince, myself or Kris. I think I was trying to stop myself from feeling guilty. A huge part of me was worried yesterday when Lorna couldn’t tell me what happened to Alicia. After we found her, and Lorna didn’t remember, I was scared. I thought maybe I’d caused a lot more damage than I intended, and I never wanted to do that.
“Alright.” Kris said, nodding. “I believe you.”
I managed to control my emotions and hide the shock that spread through me. How had I managed to convince Kris, of all people? I was so worried about everything coming out that I’ve managed to manipulate everybody around me. My behaviour had without a doubt changed. I wasn’t the same girl I used to be.

-

It had just passed midday when I decided I seriously needed to go home. Every move I made someone’s head turned in my direction. Kris and Archie were the only people in the front room. Alicia was asleep in Kris’ room. I’d just forced myself to eat half an apple but I felt too sick to carry on. I blamed it on the hangover, but I don’t know if the others bought it. I stood in the kitchen, throwing the remaining apple in the bin and checking my phone at the same time. Arrow had been texting a lot today and I couldn’t figure out why. Yesterday was nothing special, why suddenly the mad urgency to see me? I made it clear that I didn’t want to see him today, but it just made him start calling me. I ignored it and stuffed my phone into the pocket of Archie’s extremely baggy jeans. Again, as I walked back into the sitting room, both Archie and Kris looked at me.
“Will you stop it?” I snapped, my emotions getting the better of me. Archie’s eyes darted to the tv but Kris carried on staring at me. I glared at him and sat with myself down on the sofa, drawing my knees up to my chest.
“What are you doing today?” Kris asked, probably wondering if I’d made plans to meet up with Az.
“Taking Alicia home as soon as she wakes up.” I said back, not looking at him. I felt angry. The last two hours have felt like I’m in prison, and that’s exactly the opposite of what I want.
“Need company?” Kris replied. I looked at him.
“Yes. Archie, fancy helping me home with Alicia?” I said, turning to him just to spite Kris. It was a lame joke but I would rather be in Archie’s company right now. He looked at me, raising his eyebrows, then he smirked.
“Time for round 2, eh?” Archie laughed, I just threw a cushion at him.
“Okay, Kris, you can help instead.” I said sighing.
“If you don’t want me there just say.” Kris said, but I just shrugged. It made no difference what I said, chances are he’d still weasel his way into my flat anyway. I started twiddling around on the sofa, tracing the lines of the cushions, doing anything that took my mind off of reality. It wasn’t long before Cameron returned and sat himself down on the sofa opposite me and Kris, next to Archie. The tv went quiet and I looked up to see adverts playing.
“Who would want a coffee flavoured condom though? Seriously.” Archie’s voice rang out. I was confused now. There was nothing on the television that had any relevance to sex or flavoured condoms so I was pretty sure I’d phased out without realising it. I glanced at the clock. Almost 1? Wow where did the last hour go?
“People who like coffee.” Cameron answered back sounding mildly amused.
“I like coffee! But I wouldn’t want to be thinking I’m out for a cuppa with my mum when I’m doing… that!” Archie said seriously. I laughed.
“Since when were you sucking dicks?” I chimed in, and everyone laughed. Archie’s face turned slightly sour and he glared at me.
“Shut up, you know that’s not what I meant.” He said as a door opened up the corridor. Everyone’s head turned to see who it was. Not many people had made an appearance today in halls so the idea of someone new showing their face was almost exciting. My heart gave a little squeeze when Rhys came walking down the corridor. I had to turn away, worried I might get either overly emotional or overly angry.
“So Gaby,” Cameron started. I turned to look at him, still loving the way he pronounced my name. “Do you enjoy oral sex?” He asked, and I gave him a look of disgust. However, before I could respond, three separate voices beat me to it.
“Yeah she does.” Archie, Kris and Rhys said in the sleaziest way possible.
My head turned around to face the three gross and disgusting boys in the room. I felt sick, and embarrassed, and gross all at the same time. Cameron, Archie and Kris were laughing. Rhys wouldn’t look me in the eye but he had a half smile on his face. I just looked at them all, my mouth open in shock and disgust. This just seemed to make Archie laugh more.
“You all make me sick.” I said, not knowing what else to say. I just went with the truth.
“Well it’s true!” Archie defended himself. I threw yet another cushion at him, ignoring Cameron’s barking laugh. Clearly he wasn’t expecting this response. Neither was I! What a disgusting question.
“Right, enough now! You’re all disgusting pigs.” I said, and to add to the hilarity I continued. “And none of you can ever seduce me with a coffee flavoured condom ever again.” I stood up, glaring at them all as I left the room and headed down the corridor to check on Alicia. I heard Archie make a comment and they all laughed again but I couldn’t make out what was said. I poked my head around Kris’ door and saw that Alicia was still fast asleep. I’m not surprised. From what Kris said she only slept about 3 hours last night, total. I didn’t want to wake her up but I didn’t know what else to do. I don’t want to stay here. I don’t want to be in halls anymore. They’re all laughing and joking about me right now, but do they realise I’m hurting? The smile on my face ceased to exist.
“She’s still asleep.” I said, walking back into the front room. Rather than retake my seat on the sofa I pulled up a stool and sat at the breakfast bar. Archie walked up behind me and put his arm around my shoulder. I tried to shrug him away but his grip was firm.
“Don’t be mad at me babe, I’m just so thrilled I can join in with these conversations about you. Ask Kris, I’ve been trying to get in on his and Rhys’ little gang for months now.” By the time he’d finished talking I’d shoved him hard away from me. Rhys was standing in front of me in the kitchen, pouring some milk into a cup of tea. I could see by the look on his face that he was furious, and I realised now it was probably because he’d just found out I slept with Archie.
“Don’t remind me about last night, Archie, I just ate.” I pretended to gag and he gave me a shove back.
“She admitted it earlier that I was the best, guys.” He said, looking at both Kris and Rhys. Cameron laughed but I noticed Rhys slam the fridge door harder than normal. I also noted Kris’ silence.
“Archie..”
“Said I’ve got the best style.. expertise… size…”
“Archie! Shut the fuck up.” I snapped, seeing the repulsed look on Kris’ face and the whiteness of Rhys’ knuckles. Archie was standing too close to him for my liking. “It’s too soon to joke.” I said to Archie. He looked at me, eyebrows raised, then turned and saw the same things I was seeing.
“Sorry.” He said sheepishly. Rhys tossed a teaspoon in the sink and stormed into his room without saying a word. I rolled my eyes and turned to Kris.
“In case you hadn’t already figured it out, I didn’t say any of those things about Archie.” I said, standing up and walking over to sit next to him on the sofa. By the time I’d reached him his spirits seemed to have lifted slightly.
“I knew they were all lies.” Kris replied, ignoring Archie’s attempts to interrupt.
“Don’t worry honey, you’re waaaaay better.” I said to Kris, and Archie’s head literally snapped to face me.
“I’m better than Kris!”
“I’m the only one who can judge fairly here.” I said smiling. Archie opened his mouth numerous times to say something but words failed him.
“Wait hold on a second.” He finally found something to say. “You’re bias. You actually loved Kris, that messes with your opinion.”
“Aw baby I love you too!” I said to Archie, he raised one eyebrow. I’ve never been able to do that. I wish I could do that.
“What?”
“Not like a lover more like a brother.” I stopped smiling, realising what I had just said and who I had said it to. Kris cleared his throat. Archie avoided my eyes. There was a long five second, awkward pause…
“I still don’t think you can judge fairly.” Archie snapped back to break the tension. I just shrugged. The argument was getting boring now. And I was feeling guilty about what I’d just said.
“Okay, well I don’t want to judge.” I said back. “Anyway, I don’t even remember last night so I literally can’t judge you.”
“You don’t remember?” Archie said, sounding like he was actually hurt.
“That’s how good you were, dude.” Cameron said, and Kris laughed putting an arm around my shoulder.
“We all know who made the lasting impression here.” Kris said, giving me a squeeze.
“Yeah, and that lasting impression was a kid.” Archie said, not sounding amused. “Gabs, let’s do it again sober, then you can really judge and-”
“-No! Ew Archie, are you kidding me?” I actually shivered the thought grossed me out that much. “I thought you were in love with that girl that lives next door anyway?”
Archie just shrugged in response. I laughed and leaned my head on Kris’ shoulder, suddenly feeling the extreme tiredness that can only be a response to my hangover. Kris planted a kiss on the top of my head, and although it felt very wrong it also felt nice. I closed my eyes, wondering if sleep was an option, thinking it probably wasn’t.
“I will bed you again you know.” Archie’s voice mumbled somewhere in the distance.
“Okay baby.” I said in a patronising tone. It made Kris laugh. I heard the door open behind me and assumed Archie had probably just left the flat but couldn’t be bothered opening my eyes to check. It was only when Kris’ arm around my shoulder went stiff that I realised that it probably wasn’t just Archie leaving after all. In fact, I’d have bet all my money in the whole world that Lorna had just returned.

“What are you doing with her? Haven’t you told her that you know the truth now?” Her voice was full of venom. I opened my eyes lazily and saw her standing in front of me, having walked around the sofa to get a good view. Archie was on the opposite sofa having retaken his seat next to Cameron.
“Truth about what?” Archie asked curiously.
“Her tripping me! The fact I really didn’t know anything about Alicia disappearing! The fact this weird Az guy exists!” She was pointing at me now like she’d solved some murder mystery or something. It was all very dramatic.
“I didn’t trip you.” I said, annoyed now. I’d lied about it so much in the last day I was almost convincing myself that I was telling the truth.
“Yes you did!”
“No, I fucking didn’t!” I snapped back angry. Kris removed his arm from my shoulder and stood up, pulling Lorna to the side and talking to her quietly so I couldn’t hear. I folded my arms across my chest and turned to face Archie, who lightened the mood by blowing me a sleazy kiss. I just rolled my eyes and sighed.
“Don’t worry.” Archie said, “It’ll be sorted soon.”
“Hope so.” I muttered back.
“Are you sticking up for her too Archie? What, suddenly you’re closer to her than me now that she opened her legs?” Lorna had pushed past Kris to shout. I couldn’t be sure but she was acting too hysterical to be sober. It was only half 1 in the afternoon…
“Well she’s technically my girlfriend now so..” Archie laughed and I couldn’t help but join in because it was so false.
“No I’m really not.” I assured everybody, but Archie winked and it made me laugh more.
“This isn’t a joke, Archie.” Lorna said seriously.
“I know, but I’m trying to break the tension. This flat has been nothing but drama since the moment I moved in.” Archie said and Cameron nodded his head in agreement.
“Because of her!” Lorna pointed back at me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I hated this. I hated every moment of it. Accusations and hate and pain. I looked up at Kris to see his response to this, and he was staring at me with the same expression on his face. I could feel tears threatening to make me weak. I stood up before I completely broke down.
“Why do you think I would want to hurt you?” I asked Lorna, hoping the threat of tears made this speech much more believable. “You made me so sad and hurt, Lorna, but I would never ever want to hurt you. Yesterday, when you fell, I was actually scared. Okay? I was scared you’d really hurt your head again. And when you couldn’t remember where Alicia was, I was even more scared because that’s not like you. I didn’t know if you’d had brain damage again or something, and I’m still thinking you should go to a doctor just in case! I would never hurt you, even if you did hurt me. I wouldn’t trip you because, as much as I don’t want to, I still care about you! Why else would I have chased after Zak yesterday and begged him to give you a chance? I’m really not as much of a bitch as you seem to think.”
She looked at me intently for a moment, staring at me up and down. For a second I thought she was going to apologise, then her face turned sour.
“I don’t know when you got good a lying, but it won’t work on me. You’re a manipulative bitch.” With that she turned and stormed into her room, slamming the door behind her. I stared blankly in her direction, mouth slightly open.
“Well screw you.” I finally muttered, dropping down onto the sofa again. Kris was watching me closely, Archie was trying to break the silence by talking to Cameron. I could hear Alicia stirring, probably waking up because Lorna closed the door so loudly. I rolled my head back and sighed. I still have a huge hangover. I feel sick from eating that half an apple. I just feel like telling Kris to deal with Alicia and going out to have some fun with Arrow.
“I’ll get her.” Kris said, wandering through into his room. I sat myself up so that I could at least look motivated. I need to get out of this flat. This flat makes me feel horrible. Although, that’s difficult to say when I constantly feel horrible.
“You leaving?” Archie asked and he actually sounded quite sad about it. I turned to him, a slight smile on my face and mocking disappointment.
“Now, Archie, you best not start fancying me after last night darling.”
“Start?” He raised his eyebrows as if that was a silly thing for me to have said. Cameron laughed next to him.
“Aw honey.” I laughed too but I knew it was a lie. No one fancies me. He stood up then and gave me a hug, something that Archie never does and actually shocked me so much that I froze. “This is weird. I was actually joking, but now I’m thinking I should be serious. Please do not start loving me.” I was still laughing but I was deadly serious.
“I’ve loved you forever Gabs.” He said, still hugging me. His hand was rubbing up and down my back and seemed to be getting lower and lower each time… “And now that you allowed me to enter your temple I just feel like that love is-” He couldn’t finish his sentence because I pushed him away so roughly.
“I swear, one more sick comment from you then we are no longer friends.” I said seriously. I shuddered again as a flashback from the previous night fluttered into my mind. It was perfect timing really when Kris emerged from his room with Alicia, her bag over his shoulder and coat in his hand.
“Yay! You ready to go home princess?” I asked her, and the huge smile in response should’ve made my heart melt.
“Can I still come with you?” Kris asked in response. I felt my face drop a little and hoped he didn’t see. I actually wanted as much space from everybody as possible, but I could use some help through the snow and I did say he could come.
“Yeah sure.” I said, putting my arms out for Alicia. He passed her over quickly and I started putting her coat on her.
“Will you be back later or are you going for good now?” Cameron said, standing up and stretching.
“Well I hope I’m not going for good, you all still want me to visit right?” I said, looking around like a lost sheep.
“Only if we can repeat-” Archie started but he stopped suddenly when I glared in his direction.
“Right let’s go.” Kris said, shrugging his coat on.
“Alright, hold on, I haven’t even got her in the pram yet.” I said flustered. I looked around, not even sure where the pram was. “You donut, the pram’s not even out here!” I said to Kris, rolling my eyes and walking into his room where it was propped up neatly in the corner.

-

I knocked on Zak’s door for a good few minutes before he finally pulled it open. His face was sour, and then when he saw it was me his expression softened.
“Gabs! Hey, are you alright?” He asked, standing back to let me and Alicia inside. I’d just carried her up, thinking it would be too much hassle with the pram and these stairs.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Are you?” I asked back, putting Alicia down on the floor. She seemed perfectly happy just lying there so I left her to it. I turned back to see Zak shrug in response. “Have you spoken to Lorna?”
“Briefly.” He mumbled back. “I thought you were her.”
I frowned at that. I hate Lorna a lot, but he should not have had that sour a face for the girl the loved.
“Look, we found out that Lorna wasn’t lying about Alicia. She spaced out big style and now I’m really worried about it.”
“Why are you worried?” Zak asked, frowning. I grit my teeth now.
“Because she banged her head really hard when she fell in the kitchen. What if it actually caused some damage? I mean, yeah, we aren’t friends anymore, but I don’t want her seriously injured. Zak, you know Lorna wouldn’t have lied about not knowing where Alicia was when we were all so worried. I realise that now. And Cameron said that she was just staring into space.” I paused, thinking for a second. “I mean, I know Lorna is good at daydreaming but she would never zone out so much.” I said again. He just looked at me.
“She seemed fine earlier.” He finally said after a few seconds. I opened my mouth in shock.
“You’re ridiculous. I actually hate the girl yet I still care. You’re supposed to love her!”
“I do!”
“Then why aren’t you acting like it?!” I snapped back. Alicia made a stressed noise because I’d raised my voice. I walked over and sat next to her on the floor, holding her hand and playing with it as I waited for Zak to respond.
“Gaby, she knew about Rhys and Natalie.” Zak said slowly. “She knew and she didn’t tell either of us.”
“You don’t have any reason to hate her.” I said back to Zak.
“She lied to me too, Gabs. You don’t understand. You haven’t really been close to her for months now. You sort of drifted ages ago. Probably around the time she found out about those two actually.” Zak trailed off in thought. “Anyway, she’s just changed, Gabs. I thought that things would start getting better when she found out she can have kids but-”
“What?” I asked shocked. I felt relief flood through me and hated it, but I couldn’t stop it.
“What?” Zak asked confused.
“Lorna can have kids?” I asked again, my voice high pitch with surprise.
“Didn’t you know?” Zak frowned.
“No!” I said back. How had I not found that out? I knew she had an appointment last week sometime, but you’d have thought big news like that would have reached my ears. I guess I’d been so self-involved even if I had heard about it I wouldn’t have paid any attention.
“Well yeah. She can. I thought that would have made things easier and better but then everything kicked off.”
“Zak…”
“No, Gaby. Don’t defend her. Don’t convince me to run back to her. Everybody was right, we saw each other too much and it wasn’t healthy. I need space.”
“But.. It’s you two. You were the couple that everybody wanted to be.” I said, but Zak ignored me and opened his front door. I frowned at him, staying sat on his floor next to Alicia. Was he seriously kicking me out?
“I don’t want to be that couple anymore.” He said, and he motioned for me to leave. I stared at him in shock. It was ridiculous how much guilt I felt right now, because I’m sure none of this would have happened without me. I hate Lorna, it’s true, but I don’t hate Zak. And I can tell he’s hurting so much.
“Gaby just go.” Zak sighed when I still hadn’t shown any sign of moving after a good minute or two. I picked Alicia up and balanced her on my hip.
“Please talk to her.” I said as I walked past him. He just shrugged again.
“See you soon, okay?” He said, but I think he was more talking to Alicia. I just nodded in response anyway as he closed the door in my face.


-

“Oh hey it’s Gab-eyyyyy!”
“GABY!”
“Woo!”
My head was spinning. My spirits were high. It was 3 in the morning. Kris had reluctantly, and I mean reluctantly, agreed to having Alicia for the night. It took a lot of convincing. It took about seven hundred arguments. But he agreed and that’s all that mattered. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t immediately gone to see Arrow. I don’t even know how much alcohol I’ve drank. I don’t remember how much coke I had. I don’t even remember leaving Arrow’s flat. All I remember is getting the text from Ella saying that they were going on a pub/bar/club crawl through Chester and that I should tag along if I got the chance. So here I am, walking into the semi-crowded bar, completely off my face.
“Hey guys. Woops!” I had to grab Luke’s arm to steady myself, but he was so drunk himself that we both almost toppled over.
“I haven’t seen you in ages!” Ben shouted above the music and gave me a bear hug. I think. I don’t know. My head is spinning.
“I know!” I screamed back. When he moved away I kept hold of his hand and pulled him towards the crowd of people, dancing on our way. I felt so free and happy it was untrue. Once we got towards the dance floor it officially became impossible to hear each other. I saw Ella walk towards me, I noticed Sam saying something, I even saw Jay wave and his lips moved but I don’t know what was going on. I just let the lack of thoughts and emotion take over me. I danced until I felt sick. I followed everybody as we moved onto the next club which was louder. I danced some more.
“How much have you had?” Ben asked me, laughing as he said it. He thought it was hilarious. I thought it was hilarious. I couldn’t help but smile just because these guys are the polar opposite to everybody in Hollyoaks. They don’t watch my every move. If I drink it’s fun, not a fucking cry for help. I can actually relax and enjoy myself.
“Who’s Luke shouting for?” A guy, who I had been introduced to but I forgot his name the moment he walked away, said to Ben. I was wondering why I could hear so clearly now and realised the music had turned off. The club must be closing.
“Gaby, Luke’s shouting for you.” Ben said and I turned to face him. I actually jumped when I saw three Bens floating in front of me. Oh man my head is fucked.
“Where is he?” I slurred, turning towards where the other guy was looking. I saw Luke now and he looked pretty stressed. I couldn’t tell if he was wobbling on his feet or if my head was just spinning really badly. I started walking towards Luke but had to stop multiple times to get my balance. When I was a few feet away from him I stopped dead. Luke wasn’t alone. Of course he wasn’t alone. I realised now why he had such an annoyed look on his face. Arrow stood to his left hand side and they seemed to be having a pretty heated discussion. Luke had already seen me walking over towards them. I couldn’t turn back now. I didn’t know how to play this.
“What’s up?” I asked, looking at Luke only.
“This is Arrow. You remember him right?” Luke replied, and I sighed with relief. “Look, he just wanted to chat to you for a minute.” Luke rolled his eyes and then turned to me and smiled. “Shout me if he annoys you.” With that he walked away. I stared at his back in confusion. Was this a test? A few days ago he stormed into my flat saying to stay well away from him and now he’s just left me to chat to him?
“Where you staying tonight?” Arrow said in my ear. I couldn’t tell how loud he was talking but I could barely hear him my ears were ringing so bad. I heard the barmen behind me shouting that they were closing now.
“I haven’t thought that far ahead.” I responded, trying to keep my voice really quiet. I didn’t want anyone to know that me and Arrow spoke.
“I live around the corner from here.”
“And?”
“There’s still snow out.”
“Don’t act like you care!” I said laughing. I was only a play-thing to Arrow. We weren’t friends. He was my dealer and I was his customer.
“Whatever.” He said shrugging. With that he walked off out the club like he always does. He has to get the last word. I tried to wander over to Luke but I couldn’t find my feet. I couldn’t see anymore. The world was going round and round and round. And that’s all I can remember.

-

3 Missed Calls and 2 New Voicemail Messages
“Message received today at 12:32pm. To listen to the message, press 1.”
I did as told.
“Gaby where are you? You have work at 5 and I’ve brought Alicia home to see you and it looks like you haven’t even been here this morning or anything. Did you stop out? Look, I know you told me not to worry and to start trusting you, and I’m trying, but you doing this doesn’t make things easy. You need to start focussing on Alicia. She’s your daughter after all.”
“To listen to this message again press-”
I automatically pressed the button which deleted it.
“Second message, received today at 1:58pm. To listen to the message, press 1.”
Again, I pressed 1.
“You have work soon Gabs, just answer your damn phone. Urgh, I had plans today as well. You have a lot to answer for.”
“Message deleted.”
I rolled over and faced the gross disgusting front room, wondering how it would be possible for me to get home unnoticed when I’m in a flat in the middle of Chester and it’s the busiest time of the day. I’m bound to bump into someone. But I need to get to work. I spent money I don’t have yesterday. I shrugged on my coat, tied my hair up and looked in the mirror. I looked disgusting. I felt lower than I’ve ever felt. I don’t remember the last time I felt this down. It was an extreme depression.
“I’m going home.” I shouted through to Arrow. He just groaned in response. I hadn’t seen him today and I didn’t want to. We got back at about 6 this morning but we didn’t sleep until quite a bit later. He would be knocked out until a ridiculous time. I slammed his flat door shut behind me. I walked in silence. I didn’t care anymore. It was weird how emotionless I felt. I didn’t look as I crossed the roads. I didn’t even check the train crossing and both gates were down. That bus was only about an inch away from me. I didn’t care. No thought crossed my mind. I didn’t want it to happen but I didn’t care if it did. My head hurt. My nose hurt. I was so god damn tired. And I still had work until 11 o clock tonight.

Lorna's POV

I’d text Zak and warned him I was coming. I don’t think I had ever walked up the stairs to his flat with such utter dread before. I chapped the door rather than just using my keys. It just felt wrong. The door opened and Zak stood there looking really peed off, most likely because of me. He stood back and let me in but said nothing. I walked in and hovered near the couch. I felt like a guest in a strangers home.
“What do you want?” Zak said, as he closed the door and turned around to face me.
“I want you to talk to me.” I said.
“What is there for me to say?” Zak said, sitting down on the big chair in the sitting room.
“Why didn’t you believe me?” I asked. “I needed you to stand up for me and you let me down.”
“I let you down.” He said, making it sound like the idea wasn’t even plausible. “Look at how many times you have lied to me recently and then decide who’s let who down.” He bit back at me. My stomach sank.
“Zak-”
“You didn’t tell me you had a brother, you didn’t tell me about Rhys and Natalie, You didn’t tell me you were pregnant, you told several lies to keep those secrets so what’s to say you’re not lying again”
“I’m not!” I said. I sat my bag down on the floor and walked over to him and sat down on the floor in front of the couch where he was sat so that I was looking directly at him. “Why would I lie to you?”
“That’s what I can’t work out.” He said, turning away from me.
“I don’t even know what to say.” I said sadly sitting my hands on to his knees in an attempt to get him to face me. “We’re really not the perfect couple I’ve deluded myself into thinking we are, are we?” I sighed tearfully.
“No.” was all that came as a response.
“Zak, I came here to speak to you, a mature sensible conversation. Please don’t just give up on me.”
“I’m not.” He said loudly. I couldn’t work out where his sudden temper had come from. “I have never given up on you. You slept with my supposed best mate and I still took you back, when you think about what we could’ve had if you hadn’t slept with Kris?!”
“What?” I said. I wasn’t questioning what he was meaning, I was questioning why he was bringing it up.
“Are you seriously asking me that?!” Zak said, getting angrier. “You could be 7 months pregnant now. 7! By March we could’ve had our own baby”
“You don’t think I know that?! Zak we were talking about it a few days ago! Or are you forgetting that? Remember, when we were making that ridiculous agreement about babies. Where is that guy?” I started venting back at him the way he was going on at me. “I was asking why you had to bring it up again.”
“Because unlike you I can’t forget about it!”
“Unlike me?!” I said in complete shock. “I guess you’re right. You don’t know me anymore. Were you not listening the other day when I told you how much it hurts seeing you with Alicia. How much she loves you, how much you love her and I just keep thinking over and over we could’ve had that. We wouldn’t have to hand the baby back.”
He was silent. I was on the verge of tears. “I know it’s my fault that that’s not the life we’re living right now. You don’t need to remind me.” I said, quietly. I wiped a tear from my cheek. “I know it’s my fault that Gaby is out there with this Az person doing god knows what. I know it’s my fault you don’t believe me and listening to you rant about how shit I’ve been to you in the past year it’s a wonder you didn’t start doubting me sooner. I know it’s my fault, okay?! I’m sorry! I don’t know how to fix it any of it.” I wiped my eyes again. I turned my head to the side and noticed one of Alicia’s shoes lying on the floor. I crawled over on my knees and picked it up.
“Was Alicia here?” I asked, still sounding tearful.
“She just left.” Zak replied.
“Was she with Kr-“
“No, Gaby.”
“Why was she round?” I asked, trying to cover my surprise. It didn’t work.
“To stand up for you.” He said. He didn’t sound too happy about it. I was shocked.
“What?” I asked. Hoping he’d give me some more information.
“She came round to tell me you didn’t lie about Alicia.” He said. “And she was worried about your head.”
“Oh” was all I said in response. I don’t know what to think. I wouldn’t trip you because, as much as I don’t want to, I still care about you!. I know for definite that she tripped me but now I was wondering if the latter may actually be true. I started fiddling with Alicia’s shoe. I called her a manipulative bitch … I felt even more deflated. I just want to help her. Everything I did, I did because I thought it was the best thing for her.
That’s not the reason I’m here.
“I need you to be honest with me.” I began. He scoffed in response. “Don’t.” I said, in a warning tone.
“It’s true though Lorna.” He said. “I’m done.”
“What?” I asked.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
“do what?”
“Us.” He said. “You’ve changed.”
“Oh here we go again!” I sighed. “I am bored of this same argument and us getting no-where!”
“Well maybe I’m bored of us!” He snapped and he let it hang. I felt like he’d literally just stabbed in the gut. “I can’t see the girl I love through this tangled web of lies anymore.” Zak said. “I can’t live my life questioning everything that comes out of your mouth. I just –“ He stopped as his phone began to ring on the coffee table. He looked at it questionably, clearly not recognising the number.
“I need to take this.” He stated and the next thing I knew he was half way up the hall and then his bedroom door closed behind him.

I sat there on the floor of Zak’s flat for at least 20 minutes, picking off my nail varnish, playing with the Velcro on Alicia’s shoe, drawing shapes in the carpet with my finger, anything to pass the time. I knew I was waiting here to listen to Zak list his reasons of why he didn’t want us to be together anymore. I should’ve just left. It would’ve been less painful not knowing. As time went on I started to wonder if Zak was finished on the phone and was just staying in his room simply just to hide away from me. I just can’t understand how things manage to turn so sour so suddenly.
I heard Zak’s bedroom door open and for some strange reason I stood up. I watched him walk up the hall. His whole manner had changed. He no longer looked angry and sad.
“I’ve been offered a job.” He announced in utter disbelief as he reached the top of the hallway.
“That’s great!” I beamed at him. “Congratulations!” I said. I wrapped my arms around him for a hug which to my surprise he accepted.
“It’s in London.” I felt my whole body stiffen. My eyes welled up instantly. My stomach had sunk to the floor. I opened my mouth to speak but no words left it. “It’s a sport therapy job. Helping injured athlete’s get back out there. Isaac’s dad sorted it out for me.” I feel sick. “£25,000 for a one year placement there.” He paused. “that money is so rare for a starting salary in that sort of job”
I gulped before speaking. “That’s brilliant!” I said. Zak pulled himself out of my grip.. He watched me for a while. I turned away from his gaze.
“Do you think I should take it?” He asked me. The thoughts in my head were racing. I couldn’t formulate a sentence never mind answer that question. I was in shock. “It’ll give us the space we need.” He said. I knew what that meant. If he takes this job that is us done, over, finished. No more Scooney.
I gulped back my tears. “Of course you should take it!” I said cheerfully. “It sounds like a fantastic opportunity” I continued with a forced smile beaming from ear to ear. “I’m so proud of you!” I said happily. “You’ll be brilliant” I said, continuing on my spree of congratulatory comments despite the fact I could literally hear my insides tearing themselves apart. We’re not just splitting up. He’s leaving Hollyoaks!
“Yeah, I thought so” Zak said.
“You need to tell your mum!!” I burst. “She’ll be over the moon!”
“I don’t want to tell her until I’ve made my mind up.” I could see him watching me again as though he was trying to gauge my reaction.
“Zak, YOLO!” I said before laughing slightly at myself. “You cannot let opportunities like this pass you by! It’s 25 grand!”
“I know.” He said, though he sounded unsure.
“You’ll be brilliant!” I repeated. “When do they want you to start?”
“in 2 weeks” I felt my eyes widen. I gulped.
“Wow. That’s … soon.”
“I have until tomorrow lunch time to decide if I want the job.”
“Oh” was all I could manage yet again.
“Are you sure you think it’s a good idea?” He said.
“Yes!” I said with great enthusiasm. “This is what you should’ve done months ago!! When you first graduated! Now is the time you’re meant to be a selfish shit and go out there and earn lots and have fun before you get really old and have wives, mortgages and kids!” Funny how this conversation started out about me lying …
Zak smiled at what I’d said before his expression slowly turned to a frown.
“What about us?” He said. I looked away from him and went back to messing with Alicia’s cute tiny shoe.
“I think you’d already made up your mind about that before I got here.” I said. It was the truth. As much as it hurt to say, it was fact. He opened his mouth to respond but I continued on without giving him a chance to. “I was right when I said now was the time to be selfish. I guess that’s what Gaby and Arch were trying to tell us the whole time. There is no way I’m stopping you from going down there and having a brilliant time!”
“But-“ He tried again.
“Zak, forget it!” I said. “You’ve got a job that actually relates to your degree!” I smiled at him. “You’re moving to London!” I continued. He pulled a face. I forgot he didn’t share my love of London. I always forget he grew up in a city so doesn’t find them as exciting as me. “This is fantastic!” I said. Zak didn’t respond. He just kind of stood there looking like a lost sheep.
We stood in silence for what felt like eternity. I followed Zak’s lead and started staring at the floor, oddly wondering when the last time he’d bothered to hoover had been. I wish I knew what he was thinking.
“I’m going to get going.” I said, eventually looking up at him. He didn’t look like a guy who’d just been given a fabulous opportunity, he looked sort of dejected. “Well Done on the job. I’m really proud!” I said, giving him a hug. A hug that just made me want to cry. This is where I fit, where I want to be. Had he asked, I would’ve moved to London with him in a heartbeat but obviously he doesn’t feel the same anymore. We held each other for quite a long time just stood there in Zak’s sitting room. I don’t want him to go anywhere. I felt my eyes fill with water.
“I’ll see you later.” I said, quickly and let him go and turned to face the door.
“Lorna,” He called me back and I turned to face him. I looked at him expectantly. “Don’t tell anybody yet, please. I’m still not sure.”
“Okay” I said. “Just, don’t do a Kris” I said, adding on an extra joke at the end to try and lighten the mood.
He gave a small smile. “I won’t.”
I didn’t think things could get any worse.

---

9.15pm Kris:
Where are you??x

Oh god. What’s wrong? Kris isn’t on the best of terms with me at the moment. Since he – along with everyone else – thinks Gaby would never have tripped me up. I quickly text back I’m at Steph’s, why?

9.16pmKris:
Just wondered where you were. Arch said you weren’t at Zak’s. When do you think you’ll be back?x

No. Of course I’m not at Zak’s. Does that mean Arch was round? Will Zak have told him about the job? Why does Kris want to know when I’ll be back? Not sure. Soon probably :/ Tom’s just getting ready for bed and if I’m here he’ll want to stay up. Do you want me for something?

9.16pm Kris:
Yeah. It’s not urgent. I just want some advice on something to do with Alicia. x

Gaby must have ran off again, surprise, surprise. I text Kris back quickly, saying I’d leave asap and sat my phone back down on the coffee table in front of me. I’d been with Steph and Tom all afternoon. We ordered in for dinner, watched a few films, spent ages trying to help Tom build some Lego thing – Steph and I were useless so ended up opening a bottle of wine and having a gossip instead.
“Tom, I told you to brush your teeth!” Steph shouted. They were up the stairs and I was sat in the sitting room with my glass of Rose watching the TV. I’ve never really been a fan of wine but me and Steph are already on our second bottle. Although I don’t think Steph has had many glasses.
“Can’t I stay up a little bit later? Lorna’s still here!” I heard Tom say. He was quieter than he had been while him and Steph had been arguing about where his PSP had gone. They found it eventually, where Steph said it was in the first place.
“Not on a school night.”
“But!” Tom began to complain.
“No buts” Steph said. “Bed.”
“I’m just getting ready to go anyway” I shouted up to them. “Night Tom! I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Night” Tom said, reluctantly before I heard his bedroom door close.
Steph appeared back down the stairs in seconds. “Sorry about that” She said as she sat herself back down on the couch and picked up her glass of wine.
“So what shall we watch?” Steph said, looking over at the bookcase where all their DVDs were on show.
“I’ve got to go.” I said sadly. Steph’s face fell. “Sorry” I frowned. “Kris is looking for help with Alicia.”
“We were meant to have a girls night!” She sighed.
“I’m really sorry” I frowned as I stood up off of the couch and sat my glass of wine back down on the table. I picked up my jacket that was lying over the back of the couch and shrugged it on. “We’ll have a girly night soon!” I smiled.
“No we won’t!” She laughed. “You and Zak will have made up by then and you’ll disappear!” Not if he’s in London…
“You’re talking nonsense!” I said, as I zipped up my jacket. “Thanks for a really good wee night” I smiled.
“Thanks for coming round for a visit” She said, standing up off of the couch and giving me a quick hug. “You can take the rest of this wine! You’ll be able to share it with someone at halls.” She said as she handed me the half empty bottle of wine. “If it stays here I’ll drink it alone and that’s just sad. Text me when you get back!”
“What’s going to happen to me on the short walk home?” I laughed.
“You might be attacked by the abominable snowman” She said, with such a serious look on her face I couldn’t help but laugh.
“I’ll keep a look out.” I replied as Steph opened the door for me.
“See you tomorrow at work” I said. “Bright and early!” I sighed.
“You’re opening up!” Steph laughed.
“What?!” I said. “I’m glad you told me that because I had no clue.”
“It’s just you and Adam until 12” She smiled.
“So you get a lie in?!” I sighed.
“I have a grumpy, almost teenage boy to get to school on time.” She said. “I’ll probably be up before you will be.” She said and I felt almost guilty.
“See you at 12 tomorrow then” I smiled as I turned and walked down the stairs and out in to the freezing cold to go see my favourite baby girl.

---

“Wait, So you text me and got me all worried Alicia had something horrifically wrong just because she’s tired and grumpy but won’t sleep?!”
“well, yeah” Kris said seriously and I laughed.
“I was worried!” I said, as I held Alicia in my arms and bounced her from side to side gently. She was eventually starting to settle. I felt quite sorry for Kris. The boys – Cameron, Archie and Elliot – were all useless when it came to helping with Alicia. No wonder he was stressed. The second Alicia started to fuss the boys would’ve all been out of there.
“Sorry” He said, as he peaked over my shoulder. “How did you do that?!” Kris said, exasperated.
“what?” I said quietly. “Is she asleep?”
“Yeah!” Kris said, clearly annoyed.
“Aha!” I laughed softly. “I’ve had plenty of practice.” I explained as I carefully lay her down into the travel cot which Kris had moved back into his bedroom. I’m glad Aly gave it to him. “And it’s a well-known fact I give the best cuddles EVER!” I said smugly. Kris stuck his arms out for one with a frown on his face.
“Why am I such a crap dad??” He said. I let go of him and looked at him seriously.
“Say that again?”
“Why am I such a crap dad?” He said, confused as to why I’d gotten him to repeat it.
“The only thing that’s crap is that statement.” I said. “You’re a wonderful dad”
“Not what Gaby said.” He sighed and sat down on the edge of his bed. I did the same.
“What?”
“Yesterday we were arguing and she said she couldn’t be sure if I was Alicia’s dad or just a sperm donor.” I literally gasped aloud.
“Kris, I’m sure she did not mean that.”
“She even backed it up. Talking about Rhys” He said, his name with such hate. “About how he was more of a dad to Alicia than I’ve ever been, how he would help Gaby out by buying things for Alicia.” Kris said. He sounded so down and deflated that he was making me feel the same. I can’t believe Gaby would ever say that to him. “I don’t have any money.” Kris said. “I am trying!”
“I know you are chicken. I don’t believe a word of it. You are a brilliant dad and I know my sleepy little best friend of there” I said, gesturing to Alicia in the cot. “agrees with me! Everyone says things they don’t mean when they’re angry” I said, sympathetically. I lay my head on to his shoulder.
“Gaby has a point though, doesn’t she? I should be paying for stuff!” He said angrily. “It’s not fair on her! It’s not fair on Alicia!” He continued. “I just don’t know how I’m meant to earn any money. I can’t get any more shifts at the radio and I don’t want to give that up but I should”
“Don’t be ridiculous!” I snapped. We sat in silence for a while. It was really dark in Kris’ room. I’m barely ever in here. It was strange. The only noise I could hear was Alicia breathing as she slept. Not the sort of situation I want to be in right now. The longer I can stop my head from going back to Zak, the better. I want to chat to someone about it. That was why I originally went to Steph’s. Zak asked me not to tell anyone about it. By anyone he meant anyone in this flat. Who would Steph have told about it?
“What are you thinking about?” I said, breaking the silence.
“Taking out another loan.” Kris sighed, staring at his hands.
“I won’t let you do that.” I said harshly. “Do you want to still be paying off your student debt at our joint 40th?” I laughed, referring back to the other day when I’d asked him about that.
“Still thinking about that?” Kris laughed. “We haven’t had a joint 21st yet” He winked.
“God, we’re getting old” I sighed. “anyway! Back to the subject! I will NOT let you take out any dodgy loans” I said to him. I’d rather give him the money than see him dig himself further and further into debt. “Do you want to borrow money?”
“What?” Kris asked, absolutely taken a back.
“Do you want to borrow money?” I repeated. I hate situations like this but I don’t want to see Kris have to give up doing something that he loves or landing himself in trouble with a dodgy loan.
“I can’t do that.”
“Kris, I don’t want to sound like a bitch but it would make no difference to me. I wouldn’t even notice it was gone.” I said, watching him.
“It’ll make things awkward.” He said stubbornly. “I don’t want us to be weird.”
“I’ve just told you I wouldn’t even notice it was gone.” I said. “If you give me your account number I’ll do it on online banking later. I’ll just transfer some money into your account. No one needs to know about it.” I said. “I really don’t mind if it’s going towards my little munchkin!” I cooed.
“Are you sure?” Kris asked, watching me intently to make sure I wasn’t just offering to be kind.
“Of course I’m sure!” I said. And for once today I wasn’t actually lying.
“Are you really really really really sure?” Kris said.
I sighed irately. “Yes Kris, I am really really really really really really really really really really really sure.” I said. “With a couple more reallys”
“Aren’t you and Zak meant to be saving for a holiday?” Kris asked. I’d forgotten all about that. There’s another thing I can add to the list of things we won’t be doing anymore. Going to see Russell Howard, until today I’d even forgotten that Zak had got us tickets for my Christmas, going drives in his new car he’s getting for his birthday - that’s not going to be much use to him in London! – all the plans I had for this year involved him.
“I doubt that’ll be happening anymore” I sighed, picking my nail varnish off again. It’s a wonder there is any left still to pick off.. “but even if we were it wouldn’t make a different. I promise you.”
“Have you tried speaking to him?” Kris asked. “Gaby said she was going round earlier-“
“I heard.” I said. “And I’m thankful for it but it didn’t make any difference.”
“He’ll come round” Kris said. I could tell though that he didn’t even believe himself. I can’t do this anymore. I need things to go back to normal but if Zak leaves they never will.
“Right!” I said enthusiastically, “I have a half bottle of wine in the kitchen. There’s enough for us to have 2 glasses each. Join me?”
“Gladly” Kris smiled. “Wait! You don’t like wine!”
“I do now, as of” I swung my hand up so that I could look at my watch, “about 4 hours ago!”
Kris laughed and lifted the baby monitor up off of his bedside table and followed me through into the kitchen.

------
“Are you feeling alright?” Adam asked as I arrived at mobs the next morning.
I shook my head “Not really.” I sighed. “Didn’t sleep at all.”
“Yeah you can tell.” He said. I frowned in return and handed him my keys to open up. He bent down and unlocked the first shutter and pushed it upwards and moved on to the next. “Were you out?”
“I wish.” I laughed. I went to bed at about 11 after Kris and I had had a glass of wine. He wouldn’t talk about Gaby, I refused to talk about Zak. Conversation wouldn’t flow so I gave up and went to my room. From 11 o’clock till 6, I tossed and turned, cried and slept for a grand total of about 40 minutes. I hadn’t spoken to Zak at all, no texts or anything since I had left him yesterday. And I missed him. Funny how I can miss him when he’s literally a 10 minute walk away and if he takes this job, which he will, he’ll be 200 miles away. I just don’t understand what I did that made things flip to the polar opposite. What happened to the Zak that visited me every single day without fail when I was in hospital, most of the times it was twice in the same day! Did he do that out of guilt? Was I “not the Lorna he loves” back then? When did I change?! I was brought back to reality when Adam started waving his hand in front of my face, all of the shutters were now up.
“Earth to Lorna” Adam said. “You can come in now” He instructed, handing me back my MOBs keys. I put them straight back into my bag before walking inside. I put my bag underneath the worktop.
“You’re freaking me out.” Adam said, giving a slight laugh but made it clear it wasn’t funny.
“Sorry” I said. “What did you do with your snow day yesterday?” I asked trying to change the subject. I noticed the clock up on the wall. It was 9 o’clock. Zak had about 3 maybe 4 hours until he had to have made his decision. What time is classed as “lunch time” anyway? Zak used to talk to me about everything but yet now he had this big decision to make and we’ve barely spoken about it.
“So then the Doctor took me and Gracie back to 1890 using the Tardis, it was fascinating! He was wearing a Fez”
“What?!” I laughed at Adam as I tuned back in on what he was saying.
“You were listening then!” Adam laughed.
“Doctor Who fan?” I asked in disgust.
“Yeah!” He said so enthusiastically. I rolled my eyes.
“Not a doctor who fan?” He asked. I shook my head straight away.
“Definitely not. “ I laughed as I arranged the chopping boards so that I could prepare the fruit and veg we’d need for the rest of the day.
“Do you think we’ll be busy today?” Adam asked as he started to lift the chairs down off of the tables.
“Not a chance” I said as I flicked on the radio.
So let’s begin our countdown of the top 50 break up songs of all time
Don’t think so. I changed the radio channel.
Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaasssssssssseeeeee don’t leave me! I always say how I don’t need you but it’s always gonna come back down to this, pleeeeeeaaaasseeeee don’t leave me
As much as I love Pink, not today! Once again I changed the channel.
I want you to staaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
No! I hit the button to change the channel again.
You and Meeeeee, We used to be together, Everyday together, Always, I really feeeel, that I’m losing my best friend, I can’t believe this could be, the end, It looks as though, you’re, letting go and if it’s real then I don’t want to knoooooooow, Don’t speak!
Don’t think so. How old is that song?! Why’s it even on?!
I can't win, I can't reign, I will never win this game, Without you, without you, I am lost, I am vain, I will never be the same, Without you, without you
Nope! I whacked the button on the radio to change the channel so hard I hurt my own finger.
Alllllllll by myself, don’t wanna be, alllll byyy myyyyseeeeeellllf anymore
I hit the radio so hard that it fell off of the shelf and made an almighty clatter. Adam appeared at my side in seconds.
“I thought you’d hurt yourself then!” He said, sounding relieved. “What happened?” He asked as he picked the radio up off of the work top as set it back up. This time that song about wearing your granddad’s clothes came on.
“It just fell.” I said. I sounded so unconvincing but I didn’t care. I picked up the knife and started angrily chopping up the carrot.
“Slow down!” Adam said. “What’s wrong?”
I felt that familiar lump appear back in my throat. “Everything.” I said. He didn’t want to be hearing this. The guy barely knows me and here I am, like the third of fourth time I’ve ever spent any time with the guy, in the worst self-pitying mood ever.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He offered. You could tell he was only being polite.
“No. Not really.” I said, as I continued to chop the carrots. I would kill to go back in time right now. Even if it was with bloody doctor who in his box thing! Maybe then I wouldn’t have lost both my best friend and my boyfriend. I continued chopping various fruits and vegetables for ages. Surprisingly it was helping me calm down. I think I’m in a more hysterical mood because I’m tired. I hope I am anyway. Everyone at the flat always makes me out to be the clingy girlfriend. I’m the one that “can’t cope without Zak.” If I’m not in they all automatically presume I’m with Zak. Is that what Zak thinks as well? Is that what’s turned him away? My head was fucked. I’d tied myself into so many knots in my head. I looked over at Adam who had gone back to setting out chairs and tables. He now seemed to be purposely avoiding me. This is going to be a loooooonnnnnng shift.

“Lorna!” Kris said as he approached the counter at Mobs. I’d been watching him for the past few minutes struggling to get the brakes to work on Alicia’s pram. He sounded absolutely fuming.
“What’ve I done now?” I sighed as I turned round to face him. Alicia was in her pram looking quite happy. Alvin was there too of course.
“You know what you’ve done.”
“Kris, with the amount of times I’ve been wrongly accused of stuff in the past few days I don’t think I want know what you’re on about now.” I said as I tossed the blender in to the sink and turned on the tap.
“The money.” He said. He was speaking as though we were secret agents talking about something detrimental to the safety of the country.
“Oh” I said. “That transferred fast.”
“It’s too much Lorna!” He said. He looked really mad. You’d think he’d be happy. “I thought you’d give me a couple of hundred not a grand!” He was shouting but still whispering at the same time.
“I told you I wouldn’t notice it was gone and that it doesn’t matter.”
“When am I going to pay you that back?!” Kris said. “It’ll take me YEARS to save that sort of money?!”
“How many times Kris?!” I sighed angrily as I looked at the queue that was forming. I should be serving them instead of having this argument. “It honestly doesn’t matter.”
His temper was still clearly displayed on his face. Alicia started making loud noises as if she was shouting on us. I bent down in front of the buggy.
“Do you want to help me, little lamb?” I asked. “We’ll go and make smoothies” I said, trying to make it sound exciting even though it was such a boring mundane task. I got her out of her pram and sat her on my hip before walking around the counter and asking the next customer what they were looking for.

---

“We should offer Alicia a job.” I said to Kris as I walked back over to him. Alicia was still balanced on my hip as she had been whilst I’d served the past 5 or 6 customers. She was quite happy seeing this new place she wasn’t used to. “Cute baby helps pull in the customers!” I laughed as I sat down at the table with Alicia on my lap. Kris had placed himself here after I walked off with Alicia. I was staying over there as long as possible hoping that he would calm down. I also brought him over a banana smoothie that I think, if I’m remembering correctly, he likes. “Hope you like it” I said as I placed it down onto the table. “Alicia made it.”
Alicia started clapping her hands excitedly and both Kris and I laughed. He seemed to have calmed down but just in case I made a mental note not to bring up the money again.
“Heard from Mummy yet?” I asked Kris.
“Still nothing.” He said, checking his phone – which was sat on the table – once again. “I was meant to meet-“ He paused. “a friend this afternoon as well.”
“You can still go meet your friend” I said. “I’m meant to finish at 2”
“It’s okay.” He said. “I’ll just text and explain”
“I’m perfectly capable of looking after her!” I said, sadly. Disappointed that I wasn’t being trusted. Alicia looked up at me and I stuck my tongue out at her and she responded with giggles.
“I know but you’ve freaked everyone out the other with your phasing out after you banged your head” He said. “I can’t let you have Alicia.”
“I’m not ill!”
“No, I know that but it’s scary.” He said seriously. I just rolled my eyes, I’m fine!
“What time is it?” I asked trying to change the subject.
“half 11” He said. I would say this was approaching lunchtime. Zak must have decided what he’s doing but yet I have heard nothing. “Can I have my daughter back?” He laughed.
“Nope.” I said, as I lifted her up and faced her towards me and kissed her on the cheek. She giggled again. She’s such a happy baby.
“You’re meant to be at work.” Kris laughed.
“And?” I said. “Do we look busy?” I looked over at Adam who was stood at the counter playing Candy Crush on his phone knowing Kris would follow my lead.
“We’re going to see if Mummy’s back home yet.” He said, stretching his arms out for Alicia. I reluctantly handed her to him. I stuck my bottom lip out and funnily enough she did the same.
“Hope she’s back” I said. I stood up as Kris put Alicia back into the pram.
“Bye bye Alicia” I said, waving at her. She did not look happy to be back in her pram. “Bye Bye Daddy” I said in the exact same way.
“Bye bye Auntie Lorna” Kris said and I smiled at him. Happy I seemed to have gained my title back.
“Remember your banana smoothie” I said as I walked back over to the counter. I saw him pick it up out of the corner of my eye as he manoeuvred the pram around and started walking in the direction of Gaby’s flat.
“Aw” Adam said, feigning sympathy. “You’ve lost your little sidekick”
“Aw” I said doing the same as him. “You’ve lost your life on Candy crush” I said looking at his phone. He swore and I laughed. “Anything needing done?”
“Absolutely nothing.” He sighed.
“Great.” I said sarcastically. I went back to washing the blenders out. I set them back up. Then started making sure the fridge was stocked and also replenished the supplies of crisps and sweets we keep beside the till. I put the boxes back into the cupboard and locked it before making my way back over to Adam.
“Are you okay?” Adam asked looking slightly panicked.
“Ye-“ I began until I thought about it. “No I need to sit” I mumbled as I stumbled towards a chair. Suddenly I was extremely hot but really cold at the same time. I felt like I was going to vomit. Adam was close by my side. He started flapping a menu in front of my face but it wasn’t helping. It just made me feel worse. I stopped suddenly, noticing that my balance felt off. My vision had gone funny. There were black spots everywhere. “I’m gonna pass out” I muttered. The next thing I knew my limbs were sprawled all over the ground.

I took the glass of water Steph had hovering in front of me. Apparently she appeared just as I passed out. How embarrassing. Customers had even crowded round to check that I was okay.
“What doctors are you with?” Steph asked me quietly.
“That’s a bit extreme.” Adam said. “She was probably just too hot.”
“It’s freezing out here!” Steph snapped at him. “She’s had brain surgery! This could be serious.”
“The numbers in my phone.” I huffed. Unhappy that Steph was informing every one about my hospital drama’s. I was sat on the step that goes from the counter out into the chaired area.
“Where’s your phone?” Steph asked she was bent down in front of me as though I was a small child.
“Below the till.” I explained. “in my bag.”
I still felt extremely dizzy. I rested my head in my hands.
“She’s okay.” I heard Adam tell customers as he ushered them back to their seats. Trust me to cause a scene. I closed my eyes and breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth in an attempt to feel better. It wasn’t working.
“Feeling any better?” Adam asked. I nodded.
“You’ve got an emergency appointment at the doctors in half an hour” Steph said.
“Steph, it’s not an emergency” I said, not happy with all this drama.
“You don’t know it might be!” She said, all stressed. “You told me you hit your head off the kitchen worktop!”
Adam laughed. “How’d you manage that? You idiot.”
“Long story” I said. “Right I better get a taxi.” I said, moving to stand up but Adam instantly started pushing me to sit back down.
“I’ll drive you.” He said.
“No, I’ll drive you.” Steph said. “You stay here. Do you want me to call Zak, Lorna”
“No thank you.” I said. She gave me a questioning look. “He’s busy.”
“Are you sure? I’m pretty sure he’d rather he was with you than me.”
“No” I said. “I can go on my own, It’s fine.”
“Are you sure he won’t be upset you haven’t called him?” She said. Well Stephanie, considering he hasn’t bothered to text or call at all in the past day I doubt he’ll be that bothered.
“No. It’s nothing to do with him.”
“Well if you’re sure” She said, sounding unsure herself. “I’ll just go get the car.” The next thing I knew she was gone.

---

“You’re back late” Kris commented, looking at the clock. He was sat on the floor playing with Alicia. No one else was about in the kitchen or the sitting room. It was so quiet it didn’t sound like anyone else was in either.
“So I take it Gabs wasn’t back?” I asked.
He shook his head. “I’ve left her a couple of voicemails but no response.”
“She’ll be with Ben and Ella and that crew.” I shrugged.
“What’s wrong with you today?” Kris asked. “Not accusing her of being with Az”
I shook my head. “She’s right I need to lay off.”
Kris made a noise of disagreement. “I’m not so sure.” He said. “Anyway, why are you so late? Was Mob’s mobbed?” He winked. I rolled my eyes at his bad joke.
“It was mobbed actually!” I said. “Then I passed out.”
“What?” He asked, sounding surprised.
“Don’t panic.” I said. “I’ve been to the Doctor’s. It’s nothing to do with my head! I was just dehydrated and over tired.” I shrugged. “I wanted to go back to work but Steph wouldn’t let me.”
“No wonder.” Kris said. “Hasn’t she got you doing a bit much? You’re only just back to work after getting out the hospital”
“Kris, I’d rather life was just back to normal.” I said. “I don’t want to keep thinking about my accident.”
“It wasn’t an accident.”
“Assault then, whatever you want to call it. Okay?” I said, trying not to lose my temper.
“Have you told Zak?”
“No.” I stated. I could see Kris go to question why I hadn’t. “Zak and Lorna are now, Zak” I paused. I held one hand up in the air as I said Zak. “And Lorna” I said as I lifted my other hand up in the air. Using them to demonstrate that we were no longer together. “Separately.”
Kris rolled his eyes. “How many times do you two need to do this?” He said referring to the fact this isn’t the first time we’ve broken up and then got back together.
“Kris, he’s leaving!” I snapped before realising what I’d said.
“What?”
“He’s got a sports therapy placement/job thing in London. He’s moving down South.” I explained. Kris’ eyes went wide.
“When did that happen?!” Kris said, his voice going slightly high with the shock of it all.
“It turns out Isaac’s dad has connections.” I sighed as I sat down on the floor next to Kris and Alicia. Alicia was quite content with her toy. I don’t even think she’d noticed me sit down. “He got a phone call when I was round yesterday. He said that this would give us the space we need.” I looked at Kris and he literally had no words, which is very unlike him. “So I’m not being over dramatic. He’s leaving me, literally.”
Kris was shaking his head in disbelief. “I didn’t see this coming.”
“Me either.” I said as I watched Alicia, swing her arm about from side to side watching her toy flap about. I don’t know where Alvin was but Russell the dog seemed to have replaced him right now. “All of you were right. We were too much at this age.” I sighed. “Moving for a well-paid graduate job is what he should’ve done last June and he didn’t. He just settled and he really shouldn’t have.”
“He was happy here.” Kris said.
“Yeah, was. Past tense. He isn’t any more.” I said. “I am so happy for him. I just can’t help but wonder that if things were different, if we hadn’t been fighting so much what would happen then.” I frowned.
“Oh Lorna” Kris said, putting his arm around me and pulling me in for a hug.
“Don’t.” I said, pushing myself out of his grip. “No tears!” I said, harshly despite the fact I’d welled up.
“Okay.” Kris nodded. “I think you should go to bed.”
“If I go to bed now I won’t sleep later.”
“I’ll wake you in an hour or two.” Kris said. “It’s not like I can go anywhere. I’ll just be through here phoning Mummy. Wishing she’d hurry up and come back.” Kris said, as he tickled Alicia’s tummy and she giggled.
“She’ll be back soon enough.” I said, “Who’d stay away from this little munchkin for too long.” I said to Alicia and she giggled at me too. “Are you sure you’ll remember to wake me?”
“Yes.” Kris said.
“Don’t tell anyone about Zak. He wants to tell everyone himself.”
Kris just nodded knowingly. “Bed.” He said. “Sleep.”
“Right dad!” I said as I walked through to my room. I hopped on to my bed. Stuck my earphones in and was asleep in minutes.

“Lorna?” Kris said as he walked in to my room. I sat upright in seconds. I don’t know why but every time someone opens my door when I’m asleep I wake up instantly. I’ve done it for as long as I can remember. “Did you sleep?” He asked.
I nodded in response, sleepily rubbing the sleep from my eyes. “What time is it?”
“About half 4” Kris said. “Gaby’s back. She’s working at 5 so she won’t be here for long but please don’t start anything.”
“I won’t.” I yawned. “I promise.” I swung my legs round and stood up off of my bed. Kris went to back out of my room but stopped before he left fully.
“Love your hair by the way.” He smirked before closing the door. I stood up and walked over to the mirror and smiled. My hair was the way it usually is when I sleep, in a very loose bun on top of my head. My dad always said I reminded him of Pebbles, the baby girl off of the Flintstones. I continued looking in the mirror, my make-up was smudged and I was wearing extremely attractive clothes, loose fitting jogging bottoms and a massive over-sized hoodie. I decided not to bother changing or even sorting my hair. I’m just really not in the mood for anything. I mentally prepared myself as I checked my phone. It was 4 o’clock now. Surely Zak would’ve text to say he had taken the job. I had a few texts messages. Both Steph and Adam – whom she must’ve given my number to – checking that I was okay and then a couple of random texts from people back home but nothing from Zak. I guess no news is good news. Except for the fact I know he is definitely going to take this job. I can’t believe that only a few nights ago we made that stupid agreement about how we could have a baby when he’d found a decent job. Was he just saying that to make me happy? Had he been lying to me? I just don’t understand it. I sighed as I left my bedroom and walked up the hallway and into the sitting area. I sort of jumped slightly when I walked in. Everyone except from Rhys and Natalie, obviously, was sat there in the sitting room.
“Oh hey Lorna” Cameron said, noticing me first. “Are you feeling better?”
I nodded and smiled. I watched Gaby survey me carefully. Clearly thinking that I had passed out because of my head. I smiled at her shyly as I sat down on the floor beside Alicia’s travel cot. They were all watching me like I was an animal at the Zoo.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” Archie asked. He was sat on the couch nearest me. I couldn’t see him because I was leaning my back against the side of the couch. I felt his hand on top of my head. He ruffled my hair like I was a little kid.
“Yeah.” Was all I said. I started playing with my sleeves pulling them over my hands. I instantly felt insecure over how quiet everyone in this room was. It was as though they’d been talking about me before I’d come in. No one was saying anything.
“You’re really quiet Lorna.” Elliot said. I was shocked he was out his room if I’m honest. It’s not like him. His voice was coming from the kitchen. I didn’t look up. I just kept staring at my sleeves.
“Sorry.” I said after a bit of a delay. “I’m not fully awake yet.” I said, giving a small laugh.
“Why did Steph take you to the doctors?” Arch asked. “Zak’s off today.”
I just shrugged. I couldn’t even formulate words. I was in some sort of depressed daze again. I should probably have just stayed in my room. I was in one of those horrible moods where I just didn’t want to speak to anyone.
“He will not be a happy bunny.” Archie said seriously . Will he though? I was going to challenge him but thought better of it. No one in here wanted to hear me ramble on about Zak. They always come out with the same responses anyway. You’re together too much blah blah blah blah blah.
The door to the flat opened. It was him. I knew it. I looked up just as he appeared from behind the glass wall.
He had a beaming smile on his face.
He’s taken the job.
I felt the colour drain from my face. The sick feeling I’d had all of last night was back in the pit of my stomach. He didn’t even bother to say hello to anyone, never mind me.
“Good. Everyone’s here.” He said, looking around at everyone, dotted round the kitchen and the sitting area.
“Are Rhys and Natalie in?” Zak asked.
“Natalie is. Rhys is at work.” Cameron replied as he changed the channel on the TV.
Zak went up and chapped on her door and asked her to come down to the sitting room.
“What’s happening?” I heard Natalie ask, sounding worried. I don’t know what Zak was thinking bringing Natalie and Gaby into the same room.
“Please don’t tell me you’re pregnant?” Elliot said loudly across the room, sounding gravely concerned. Everyone turned to look at me. I wish!
“Don’t be ridiculous.” I replied almost viciously. Natalie followed Zak into the sitting area where everyone else already was. Gaby looked oddly stressed, as though she felt like this would be something about her, like it usually is. I couldn’t make up my mind whether a Gaby drama would be better or worse than what Zak was about to do.
“I’ve got a proper job!” Zak said happily. Everyone instantly started congratulating him. They all seemed to bounce up off of their chairs, each of them separately taking their own turn to give him a congratulatory hug. Even Elliot, which was strange he isn’t the hugging type. “It’s in London.”
I felt rather than saw the atmosphere change in the room. As each person’s eyes widened, jaws dropped. I know no one really stays in the place the went to Uni in for very long once they’ve graduated but the idea of Zak leaving Hollyoaks had literally never crossed my mind. He’s always loved it here. I noticed that Kris was playing clueless really well. Zak didn’t seem to expect a thing.
“That’s great!” Kris said enthusiastically, everyone else had gone oddly quiet as they realised Zakky wasn’t going to be around for much longer. I guess I’d at least given Kris some warning. “When do you start?”
“2 weeks yesterday” Zak replied, cheerfully. I looked up again and everyone had a similar expression on their face, sad that he would be leaving soon yet happy for him at the same time. Zak’s leaving Hollyoaks. It’s impossible for me to get my head around.
“Wait up!” Archie said, turning to face me. “Does that mean you’re going too?”
I shook my head far too quickly. Archie gave me a sad questioning look. He knew something was up now. “As if I’d ever leave you princess” I smiled. “Who would be here to tend to your every need!”
“[I]Every[i] need?” He winked.
“Don’t be gross!” I laughed. “You’ve got Gabs for that now anyway” I smirked cheekily and he chuckled. “I was meaning your washing, ironing, making your dinner … the list is endless. You’d be lost without me” I smiled. The smile quickly vanished as I thought once again I’ll be lost without Zak.
I was proud of myself for that save. Not that it really mattered. Zak was too busy speaking to Gaby, Kris, Elliot and Cameron to notice. I could tell Archie the truth and he most likely wouldn’t notice. I could tell Arch that I would kill to go with him but he just doesn’t want me anymore. How do I explain to the rest of the group that Zak and I are done? I gulped trying to prevent tears. Yeah, we’ve had a few fights but even I didn’t think that was worth splitting up over.
I watched as Kris, Gaby and Elliot questioned Zak about the job. I overheard him say that for the first few weeks he was going to stay with Isaac’s brother. Timing really is everything. If we hadn’t been arguing, he wouldn’t have gone to Isaac’s to calm down. If we hadn’t been arguing maybe he wouldn’t be leaving Hollyoaks, at least not alone. I frowned and I saw Natalie – who was hovering at the edge of the group, listening to Zak talk - turn to look at me with a sympathetic smile. I hate being pitied. I sat there beside Alicia’s travel cot watching them, watching Zak. How happy he was chatting about the job and the move. My emotions were all muddled. Seeing him this happy made me happy. Yet at the same time my heart felt as though it had been snapped in two. It’s just all happened so fast. I saw Elliot look at me just quickly. Do him and Natalie expect me to be sat here sobbing and downing a bottle of Smirnoff? It’s Zak’s life. Of course I’d rather he wasn’t leaving. Of course I’d rather we were together but he obviously doesn’t feel the same. I stood up and turned around so that I was facing into Alicia’s cot. It was up against the wall meaning that no one could see me. I started trying to control my breathing so that I wouldn’t burst into tears. It’s official. He’s going. How could things go from being so right to so wrong in the space of a few days. I can’t stay in here.
“I think someone needs changing” I said loudly before lifting Alicia up out of the cot and hurrying through into Kris’ room. That was a lie, yet another lie. The second Kris’ bedroom door closed behind me Alicia began to cry. She’d been happy playing with her toys in the cot. I guess she’s pissed at me for moving her. I suppose I can now add her to the list of people I’ve pissed off recently. At least she can’t run off to London.
“Shhhh baby, please don’t cry” I said, holding Alicia closely to me as I started crying too.

Gaby's POV

“£2.25 please.” I said, holding out my hand for the money from the punter. He frowned back at me.
“I’ve got a locals card.” He held it up in my face.
“I know, I already gave you the discount.”
“Well when that other girl serves me it’s always £1.99” He snapped back. I rolled my eyes. This man was known for trying to scam cheap drinks. Rhys and Hannah had both warned me about him separately. I turned around to see if either of them were around to save me but saw that I had been left alone again. Guess I just had to sort this out myself.
“Well, I’ve never given out a pint that cheap before. Sorry, I’m just telling you what the till says.” I said back, till holding my hand out. The guy shook his head and started drinking the pint.
“Mate, quit drinking and give me the money or I’ll have to call the police as you’re technically stealing.”
He grumbled angrily, stuck his hand in the pocket of his dirty jeans and fished out three pound coins.
“Thanks.” I said, walking over to the till and getting his change. This night was going to be long. Everyone had just started going back to work after the Christmas festivities, so nobody wanted to waste their money in here. It was dead. My head was banging from my wild shenanigans last night and I’d seriously never felt this tired. I had to leave the bar briefly at around half 7 because my nose had started bleeding. Hannah didn’t seem to mind, thinking it must be something I get often, but the truth was I’d never ever had one before.
I leaned against the John Smiths tap, listening to the lame music that was playing from the jukebox in the practically empty pub. My eyes closed just for a second.
“You okay?” Rhys made me jump. I shot up straight and tried to look alert. As much as I hate him right now, I need this job.
“Fine. Sorry.” I said back. He gave me a concerned look.
“You got a sore throat? Your voice is almost gone.”
It was true. My voice had been getting raspier and raspier as the days went on. After screaming so much last night, and the countless days of purging, I was in agony.
“Yeah a bit.” I replied, my voice cracking more than once. He looked up at the clock. It was almost 10.
“You could go now if you wanted to?” He suggested. I knew he was only saying it because he thought I was too ill to work.
“No. I’m fine. I need the money.” I said back. He just nodded and walked over to the fridges, starting to restock the bottles. He turned away from me, so I watched him without worrying that he’d catch me staring. It was times like this which hurt the most. I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss him. I miss everything about the way we were, and it hurts to think that literally the whole of our time together was fake. A year of my life… wasted.
“Rhys?” I wasn’t sure he’d hear me, my voice was barely even working, but he did and he turned to face me. “Are you angry about what happened with me and Archie?”
“Why would I be angry? I have no right to be angry anymore, you’ve made that perfectly clear.” He said, turning back to continue with the bottles.
“I know. But still, are you?”
He continued sorting the bottles in silence. I waited for an answer, but after a few seconds I decided I probably wasn’t going to get one. Then he stood up, the empty cardboard box in his hand. He walked over to me.
“I find it hilarious that you’ve sunk so low.” He said, his voice bitter. He pushed past me so he could get to the bin and then left to go through to the kitchen. I felt anger pulsing through my veins as tears prickled my eyes. I shouldn’t have spoken to him. It always just ends in pain. Why did I bother even speaking to him? I heard the pub door swing shut and knew a customer had walked in. I turned myself away from that direction and dabbed at my eyes, hoping it wasn’t obvious that I was close to tears.
“What’s a guy got to do to get a pint around here, eh?”
I whipped my head around to see Luke standing at the bar, smirking at me. I smiled at him.
“What are you doing here?”
“Woah, you sound rough!” He said laughing at my raspy voice. “Came to see my bestie, obviously.” He raised his eyebrows and I laughed. I had a vague memory of me holding onto him in a club and making him swear to me that we would be besties forever. God, that’s embarrassing.
“That’s nice, but this isn’t exactly your local pub. Something wrong?” I asked, picking up a cloth to wipe down the bar. I wanted to at least look like I was doing something.
“No, not really. I just wanted to talk to you about last night. And I’ll have a pint of Carling, thanks for asking.” He said sarcastically and put a five pound note down on the bar.
“What about last night?” I asked, picking a glass up and pouring his pint. He looked over his shoulder to see who was around. I followed his gaze. There were two women sat on a table over in the corner. I recognised one of them as being a McQueen, and the family’s so big I assumed the other girl must be a McQueen too. Over on the other side of the pub was the drunk man I’d served earlier, talking to the wall.
“I let Arrow talk to you.” Luke said quietly, although there was no need for him to lower his voice. The music was pretty loud, I highly doubted that anyone could hear us talking. “I just want to know what he wanted.”
“What if it was private?” I said, smirking. I didn’t want him to see the worry I was feeling. I’ve got good at lying, so I can pull this off. I know it. I put his pint on the bar and picked up the fiver, walking over to the till so I could cash it in. Luke followed me from the other side of the bar, pint in hand.
“Was it private?” He asked, and I could see he looked concerned.
“Don’t be silly, I don’t even know the guy. I hardly even remember what we spoke about.” I said back, passing him his change.
“Really? You don’t know at all?”
“I think he invited me back to his.. But you saw me get in a taxi and go home, so you know I didn’t do that.” I was hoping that everything I said sounded convincing. Truth was, they did see me go in a taxi, and they did see it driving off towards Hollyoaks. But after I’d gone out of sight I made the driver take me straight to where Arrow had text me to meet him, and we’d hit a further few clubs and then got up to quite a lot of other shit.
“Yeah. Right. Sorry. I just woke up this morning and I realised what I did and… Never mind, just ignore me.”
“What’s so bad about this guy? I mean, he’s one of your oldest friends isn’t he? What can he have done which makes you so worried?” I asked, honestly curious.
“He’s just a bad guy, Gabs. I don’t want to see you getting tangled up in any of that mess. He’s done it to others, I don’t want him to do it to you too.” He smiled at me. I smiled back. It’s strange how much Luke seems to honestly care about me. It wasn’t long ago that I would’ve sworn he hated me.
“Hey Luke.” Rhys had walked back out into the bar, a notepad in his hand which I knew meant he was going to do a stock check.
“Alright.” Luke responded, his voice cold. Rhys just ignored this fact and continued to the end of the bar, pen on paper.
“Why did you agree to work here?” Luke hissed at me, still glaring at Rhys. “After everything he did to you.”
“Easy money.” I muttered back. “I’m the only one who should have a problem with it, I wish everyone would get off my back.”
“Sorry. I just hate him for hurting you.” Luke replied, downing the rest of his pint. “What time you on till?”
“11ish. You going already?”
“No I’ll stick around till you finish, if that’s alright?”
“That is definitely alright. I could do with the company.” I said seriously. I despise being here at night. Day times usually aren’t too bad because if it’s quiet then Hannah’s usually around, or the chefs, or even Josh. But at night no one sticks around unless it’s busy, and it has not been busy a single day I’ve worked here yet.

-

“Can I go now?” I asked Rhys, who was stood in the almost pitch black kitchen, leaning against the counter so he could write neatly on some paper. The pub was closed. Everyone had left except Luke, and Ben, who had arrived about 10 minutes ago.
“Yeah sure.” Rhys said not looking up from the paper. I turned to leave. “Wait! Have you cleaned all the-”
“I’ve done everything.” I said back, turning back around to face him. He gave me a look up and down and I folded my arms across my chest self-consciously.
“Are you going back to Halls to get Alicia?” He asked me.
“Not just yet, I’m going to let these guys into my flat and then I’ll drive round and pick her up. Why?”
“I would’ve walked with you if you were.” He said, focussing on the paper again. I stood and gaped at him.
“Right. Well I might see you there if you beat me back.” I mumbled, hoping it was obvious that I didn’t want to see him there. I turned to leave again.
“Goodnight.” He said as I got to the door. I paused, my hand on the frame, my eyes closed.
“Night.” I said back, and my voice cracked again. I left the kitchen and went back into the silent, semi dark pub where Luke and Ben were building a card-house out of beer mats. I walked up to it and flicked the bottom one, watching them all crumble down helplessly, one on top of the other. Ben groaned loudly and shoved my shoulder in annoyance.
“Ready?” I asked, eyebrows raised as I scooped them all together into a neat pile.
“Yes.” Ben snapped back, a mock glare on his face.
It was still freezing outside. Although it hadn’t snowed for a couple of days, there was still a lot of it on the ground, and the cold temperatures only made it extra slippy. I pulled my coat tight around me and Ben put an arm around my shoulder as we walked. Luke walked on his other side.
“Reckon it’ll ever be warm again?” Ben asked seriously. I felt his arm shivering on my shoulder so wrapped an arm around his waist hoping to keep him a little bit warmer.
“No. This is England. It’s never warm here.” I replied back and he sighed.
“I can’t even afford to go abroad this year.” Luke said glumly. It was true, neither could I anymore. In some ways, I felt better not receiving Juliet’s money anymore because I feel more independent. Yet, I really miss having the money to just do whatever I want whenever I want. I know I didn’t go on holiday last summer, but I’d only just had Alicia and it didn’t really seem like a good idea. Now I would actually consider it but I literally can’t afford it. This has never happened to me in my whole entire life.
“I thought you lived closer than this.” Ben said after we’d been walking for about a minute. I laughed. We’d only got to the end of the street. I live close, but I don’t live that close. After a few more minutes we found ourselves inside my building, climbing the stairs to my flat.

“Thanks God!” Ben said, rubbing his hands together. He was so busy concentrating on getting his hands warm that he missed a step and crashed down onto his face. Me and Luke paused for a second, taking in what just happened, and then burst into hysterics.
“Crap.” Ben pulled himself up, rubbing his knee which he’d banged pretty hard and scowling at me and Luke.
“Are you - okay?” I asked, trying to catch my breath. He smiled, starting to find it funny himself, and nodded. We got outside my door and I fumbled around in my bag for my keys, still laughing at random intervals when I remembered the fall.
“Okay, so you guys can chill out here. I’ve got beers in the fridge.” I stuck the key in the lock and opened the door, “I’ll be back in about 20 minutes with – Kris?” I stopped in my doorway. Kris was stood in my flat, his shoes in his hand as though he had just been preparing to put them back on.
“Didn’t we agree I’d pick Alicia up from you at halls?” I said confused. He looked past me at Ben and Luke who waved absently.
“Yeah.” Kris said slowly. “But I thought it would be better if I got her to sleep here. Is that okay?” He said, ducking down and tying his shoe laces. I frowned.
“Well, yeah, you should’ve text or something though because I would’ve gone straight to halls if these weren’t here.” I said, pointing to Ben and Luke.
“I did.” Kris said dumbly. I frowned again.
“You did?”
I pulled out my phone. Sure enough I had some texts and a couple of missed calls. Most were from Az but one of the messages was from Kris. I noticed Luke looking over my shoulder at my phone and pulled it out of sight, but the look in his eyes told me he’d seen Arrow had been texting me. I stared at him for a second, preparing to defend myself, but Kris cleared his throat from behind me and I turned back to see him.
“Sorry, I hadn’t noticed. Has everything been alright?” I asked, walking away from Luke and into the living room. I shrugged my coat off and set it down on the table along with my bag. Ben closed the door behind him and walked around to sit on the sofa.
“Yeah, she’s been really good all day. Look, Gabs, can we talk outside for a minute?” Kris asked, looking at the other two and making it clear he wanted a private word with me. I just nodded and followed him to my door. We stood on the landing in between mine and Karl’s flats.
“Are you going to tell me where you were all last night and most of today, yet?” Kris whispered to me, and I could see that he was angry.
“I was with those guys.” I answered back. “Ask them if you don’t believe me.” I said, but I prayed he wouldn’t because they think I came home last night when in reality I stayed at Arrow’s.
“Look, I get that you’re a student and you want some freedom and you’re going through a tough time… But I’ve had Alicia three days in a row now. I’m not saying I don’t love her, but you’re the person she lives with. It isn’t right for her to be stuck in halls with me all the time. And, well, I have plans as well. I had things I was meant to do today but I couldn’t because you weren’t there for her.” He was saying it in the nicest possible way but I could still hear his fury behind every word.
“I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” I put my arms out for a hug and he accepted willingly, his arms wrapping around my waist in the secure way that they always have done.
“Right, I’m gonna go.” Kris said, pulling himself out of my grip.
“Do you want me to drive you back? I was going to drive round myself anyway.”
“No, no, don’t worry about it.” He said, smiling and starting to run down the stairs. “I hope she’s alright for you tonight.”
“Thanks. And thank you for having her. Love you Kris.” I said, smiling at him as he got to the front door.
“Love you too, Gabs.” He said flashing his perfect teeth. Then he was gone.

-

“I’m just going to the bathroom.” Ben said, heaving himself up from the sofa opposite me where he’d been sat next to Luke. It had just gone 1 in the morning and the film that we started watching halfway through had finished. I don’t know what it was called, but it involved a lot of ridiculously fake deaths typical of Hollywood.
“Be really quiet, will you?” I whispered as he sneaked to my door. It was annoying that the only bathroom I had was an en suite, so you literally have to go through my bedroom to use it. I wouldn’t mind so much if Alicia wasn’t asleep in there, but I hadn’t had a chance to move her into her own room yet. I heard the bathroom door close quietly and listened out for any sign of Alicia waking up. When nothing happened I turned back to Luke.
He was staring at me, a very serious look on his face. I was about to question why when he spoke.
“This Az that text and rang you multiple times…” He started and my eyes instantly darted to the floor. After Kris left, Luke didn’t bring the fact he’d seen my phone up, so for the last hour and a half I’d been hoping that I’d just imagined him peeping at my phone. Now, however, it’s blatantly obvious he was just waiting till he could talk to me in private.
“Please tell me it’s a nickname for an old friend and not Arrow.” He finished, and even though I wasn’t looking at him I could tell he had a very serious expression on his face. I didn’t know what to do or say. I continued staring at the same patch of carpet, hoping that a fabulous lie would spring to the front of my mind but nothing happened.
“Gaby?”
I’d been quiet for too long. He knew the answer now. Think, Gaby, think!
“It’s Arrow.” I finally said slowly, looking at him now. His face dropped, but it wasn’t concern or anger which replaced his serious expression. I was shocked to see he looked disappointed. He sighed and shook his head at me.
“What are you doing with him? What’s he got you into?” He asked, looking like he’d had this conversation with someone before. He was almost acting as though he’d had this conversation with me before which he definitely hadn’t.
“He hasn’t got me into anything. He just keeps blowing up my phone because I stupidly gave him my number when I was drunk last night.” I said, quick thinking, a lie. I can’t handle the look on Luke’s face.
“I’d believe you if you didn’t look and sound so sick.” He said, and the concern started to appear on his face again. “Gaby, I know this guy, he doesn’t go for the innocent girls, he goes for you. The ones who can stick up for themselves and who are easier to convince.”
“You think I’m easy to convince?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.
“I think he’s sly, and deceptive, and mysterious. It makes the whole process easier when he acts like he doesn’t give a damn if you join him or not. You feel more of a thrill. More like it’s your own choice.” He was back to being serious, his eyes boring into mine.
“You’re talking all dark and mysterious yourself right now, because I have no idea what you’re on about. I told you, I only got his number last night. I’ve been at work all day and now I’m with you. I haven’t done anything with the guy.” I tried to lie smoothly. It didn’t help that my voice cracked multiple times during my speech, making the lie more obvious. Damn me and my bad habits.
“Alright, well I’m going to make sure he deletes your number then, I’m begging you to do the same.” He said, still not looking as though he believed me one hundred per cent, but letting it go anyway.
“Don’t worry, I will.”
“Good because-”
“Alicia is so cute when she sleeps.” Ben had reappeared, causing Luke to shut up immediately. Ben lazily collapsed on the sofa next to Luke, blocking my view of him and making it much easier to relax.
“What we been talking about?” Ben looked between us. “You look pissed.” He said to Luke who just put on a smile, saying of course he wasn’t, and asking how much longer they were planning on staying. I went onto my phone straight away. I started scrolling down my list of contacts, coming up with a plan on the spot. I hovered over the number of a girl I hadn’t spoken to in years and clicked Edit Contact. It was easy really. I then did the same to Arrow’s, changing his contact name to just a simple full stop.
“Ben?” I asked, giving him the puppy dog eyes.
“What…?”
“Be a lamb and get me a drink, would you?” I smiled at him nicely. He rolled his eyes dramatically and stood up.
“What do you want?”
“Just water, but could you stick some ice in it?” I asked, hoping this would slow him down enough.
“Just for you honey.” He winked and disappeared off into the kitchen. I quickly got up off of the sofa and sat next to Luke, who looked at me a little surprised. I held my phone in front of his face and clicked Delete Contact on what, to him, appeared to be Az’s number. A moment later, after confirming the process, another banner flashed onto the screen. Contact “Az” Deleted.
I moved to go back onto my sofa before Ben came back out but Luke grabbed my arm.
“Thanks.” He said quietly, a look of relief on his face. I shrugged like it wasn’t an issue.
“No problem.”

-

The morning came around in a blur. Literally. I’d never woken up feeling so faint before. I could hear Alicia crying but my head was pounding so much it sounded like she was miles away. I didn’t really understand it though. I hadn’t done anything once Luke and Ben left last night. I just went straight to bed, trying to get as much sleep as I could before Alicia woke up. Of course, that didn’t work out fabulously. I don’t remember the last time I went to sleep when I wanted to. I make the excuse that Alicia keeps me up, that’s why I’m so tired, when really she’s such a great sleeper when she’s at home that the excuse is insulting to her.
I somehow managed to get Alicia up, fed and dressed, although I couldn’t quite remember how I did it. It was almost 10 in the morning. I was sat on the sofa, trying my hardest to focus on Alicia who was attempting to roll over, when there was a knock on the door behind me. I yawned and stretched before heaving myself up and dragging myself across the room to see who it was. I was already in the process of pulling open the door when I was hit by the horrific realization that I hadn’t even attempted to make any kind of effort today. I’d literally rolled out of bed. My hair was a tangled, matted mess on my head, sticking out at all angles. My face was probably pale with drooping and puffy tired eyes. I was in my tatty baggy pyjamas which were too big for me when I was heavily pregnant so you can imagine the size of them on me now. I’d already started opening the door so I couldn’t back out of it now. Instead I ran a hand through my hair, hoping to tame the beast a tiny bit before the uncomfortable greeting. I was just putting an apologetic smile on my face when I glimpsed at the visitor and sighed with relief. It was just Archie.
“Thank God.” I said in a hoarse whisper, laughing at myself. If it had been the postman I’d have been too ashamed to show my face at this time of day ever again. I stepped back to let Archie inside quickly before anyone else saw my embarrassing state, and shut the door. Archie’s eyebrows were raised and he looked alarmed.
“You sound and look terrible.” He said, and he actually looked horrified. I was about to make a sarcastic comment back when he interrupted me. “How am I supposed to brag about pulling you when you’re in this state?!”
I stared at him, my eyes narrowed and my mouth open in shock.
“Archie, sometimes-” I started, but he was smirking at me and I couldn’t finish my angry comment. I just sighed angrily and slumped back over to my sofa, pulling a blanket over me. Alicia had successfully rolled over from her tummy and was watching Archie carefully as he crossed the room towards her, sitting on the floor next to her head and taking hold of her tiny hand.
“So why do you sound so rough still? Not get any sleep last night?” He asked. I just shrugged in response. He waited for me to say more but when I didn’t continue he turned to Alicia and began playing with her. I watched in a daze for a few minutes.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, as though it had just hit me that Archie was here at my flat. He looked at me in surprise, probably wondering why I was asking this question after being silent for almost 10 minutes.
“I came to see how you’re doing.”
“You never do that.”
“No, but we have a connection now so…” He trailed off, smiling at me. I frowned at him for a second but then started to laugh.
“Oh God, Archie if you are actually falling in love with me please give up now because it is never going to happen.” I said, still smiling at him but making sure he knew I was deadly serious.
“Babe it already happened.” He reminded me with a wink, but then he continued seriously. “I’m not falling in love with you, I just honestly care.”
“Since when?” I said quietly but he still heard me.
“I’ve always cared Gabs.” He said as though it was obvious. I just rolled my eyes in response. There was a period of quiet again. I turned my attention towards the tv. Children’s programmes had ended. Some old school day time tv show was on now, and it looked really boring. I was just reaching over to change the channel when there was another knock at the door. Feeling more aware of my appearance now, I turned to Archie in alarm.
“Can you get that?” I begged, thinking it would certainly be a stranger this time as I hadn’t invited anybody round. Archie laughed and nodded. He walked slowly over to the door and I slumped lower on the sofa so that anybody stealing cheeky glances into my flat wouldn’t be able to see me. I heard the door open.

“What are you doing here?” I heard Archie say instantly, his voice all one tone. I couldn’t tell if he sounded scared or annoyed.
“What are you doing here?” Lorna’s voice responded, sounding just as shocked as I was to see Archie at my doorstep.
“I’m here to see Gaby.” Archie replied obviously.
“Well me too.” Lorna replied stubbornly. I don’t know why they sounded so off with each other. It was almost as though they’d had an argument I didn’t know about.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” Archie said back, and I sensed he was looking around for my approval. I raised my head a little bit, hoping Archie didn’t have to door wide open so I could tell him I didn’t want to see her… But there she was, already having forced her way through my door. She was looking down on me in surprise. A worried crease formed between her eyes.
“You look a mess.” She said sadly.
“Thanks.” I replied bitterly, my voice cracking under the strain of having to speak. “What do you want?” I asked quickly, wanting her to leave as soon as possible. She turned to Archie as though she didn’t want to speak in front of him, but I did not want to be left alone with her so she was just going to have to deal with it. She seemed to be realising the same thing, because she sighed and shook her head as though losing some sort of battle with herself.
“Did you see Zak yesterday?” She asked me, and her voice shook with emotion. I sat myself up more.
“Yeah. You were there too, at halls… Remember?”
“No, I mean before that.”
“Oh.” I said. “Yeah I went to his flat in the afternoon.” I admitted to her.
“What did you say to him?” She asked me quietly.
“What?”
“What did you say to him?!” She asked loudly now, her voice sounding angry. I was shocked and it appeared Archie was too. He gave me a worried glance.
“Just that I was worried about you.” I said truthfully. “And that he should be too.”
“You convinced him to leave me.” She muttered sadly. There was a silence whilst I absorbed what she said.
“What? No!” I said shocked. “I tried to do the opposite.”
“Don’t lie to me. Stop lying!!” She shrieked. I was in total shock.
“Lorna-”
“You need to stop it. Stop lying! You’re the reason he’s leaving me. You’re the reason he’s going. You have ruined everything!” She snapped and there were tears rolling out of her eyes now. This didn’t make any sense. Was she completely deluded? How had she come to this conclusion? I looked at Archie for some kind of support but he was staring in shock at Lorna. It wasn’t normal for her to be acting like this. If it wasn’t for the fact it was only 11am, I’d have guessed she was drunk, but I was almost certain she wasn’t.
“Lorna I swear I never-”
“Like you swore you never tripped me?” Lorna said bitterly. I went silent.
“Don’t be unreasonable Lorna.” Archie finally spoke. She whirled around to face him.
“I should’ve known you’d be on her side!”
“I’m not choosing sides in this war!” Archie snapped back. “I’m just telling you to see some fucking sense!!”
I’d never heard Archie shout at anyone before, let alone Lorna. Clearly she was taken aback too because her eyes were wide and her mouth was moving soundlessly.
“Zak is leaving because he got a job. Something he’s been looking for for months. Stop being selfish and realise that this has nothing to do with you or Gaby for once. Let him do his own thing.” He continued when no one interrupted him. I held my breath, worried about how Lorna would react to this. When I shout at Lorna she doesn’t even listen anymore it happens so often, but for some reason I felt that hearing it from Archie would be a really low blow for her. Lorna was still stood staring at him, absorbing what he had said. Archie appeared to be regretting speaking up, he was starting to look apologetic when Lorna let out an awful cry and fell helplessly to her knees, clutching her arms to her chest as though in physical pain. I jumped up, not caring about everything she’d done to me, not caring about how tired and weak I felt. I skidded to the floor next to her and put my arms around her, trying to comfort the wounded animal. At first she made a movement as though attempting to throw me off, but then she buried her head in my shoulder and cried. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want her to feel this way, but I also did not want to be the person comforting her. I hated myself for doing it. In an attempt to forget everything, I closed my eyes tight and held her tighter. She cried harder and I felt the pain. I felt everything because it was so familiar to me. We were both heartbroken girls dealing with it in our own separate ways.
From the floor on the other side of the sofa I heard Alicia suddenly cry out. I released my grip on Lorna instantly, and she pulled away from me sharply too. It was as though Alicia’s cry had brought us back to reality. Archie was walking around the sofa to settle her but I jumped up and shoved past him so I could do it myself. She stopped crying the moment I scooped her up into my arms and Archie smiled. Then he glanced at Lorna and smiled at her too. But me and Lorna were both wearing the same identical look on our face. She wiped the tears off her cheek and looked at me, her jaw set. I stared back, no trace of a smile on my face. Silently, she turned and left the flat, slamming the door closed behind her. Archie gave me a look of surprise but I just shrugged. I was relieved, actually, that she knew as well as me… Nothing had changed. That was just a momentary break. I still hated her for what she’d done, and obviously she still felt exactly the same way about me.

Lorna's POV

My eyes popped open suddenly as Archie burst into my room and put the light on. Tears instantly starting flowing down my face. I was struggling to get my breath back.
“I’m sorry!” I mumbled as I sat up on my bed and instantly rubbed my eyes. I was visibly shaking with tears.
“Not again.” Archie sighed as he sat down on top of my bed. He pulled my covers off of me and pulled me toward him. I could hear Alicia screaming from the other room. I felt my stomach fall to the floor. Instantly feeling guilty as it had been me screaming that had encouraged her to do the same. “Lorna this has been going on for far too long now.”
“It’s not as if I can help it.” I said breathlessly. My throat ached. I wonder how long I had been shouting and screaming for this time. “I don’t want to be doing this. I don’t want to keep reliving things all the time.”
“I think you need to see someone.” Archie said. “Those leaflets the hospital gave you about support groups. Do you still have them?”
I instantly began shaking my head. “No! I’m not going.” I said sternly. “I can’t imagine anything worse for me!”  
“You have to try!” Archie said softly as he put his arm around me. “You can’t keep going on like this. It’s becoming more and more regular! We’re all constantly woken up by your screaming. Annoying as it is Lorna we’re all more worried than angry.”
“I’m sorry.” I said again. “I just feel ridiculous. It’s almost been a year since Kyle. I don’t understand why these night terrors started.”
“Lorna you know that they started just after Zak-“
“Don’t.” I said. “That’s just pathetic. Don’t use that as an excuse.”
“Lorna, that is when they started. We’ve all noticed.”
“I don’t want to hear that you talk about me as if I’m some kind of head-case that’s gone crazy cause her boyfriend’s left her.”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“I can cope perfectly fine without Zak being here. I have done for 3 months now! These nightmares have got nothing to do with that!”
“I know that Lorna.” He paused. “Kyle is in prison you don’t need to-”
“Archie he might be in prison but that doesn’t just instantly undo everything he did to me!” I shouted. He was silent, clearly unable to think of something to say in response. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t snap.”
“I know. I know I will never understand it but that is why I think you need to go to one of these groups. Speak to people who have been through similar situations.”
“We can talk about it tomorrow!” I said, matter of factly. If anything I just wanted him to leave me alone.  
“We always say this and you never do. We always just go about our normal daily lives without talking about it, never talking about it. You don’t seem like it affects you in the day time, ever, so why do you get so bad at night time?”
I didn’t answer him. We sat there in silence for a few minutes. Slowly, my sobbing lessened and I felt like I could control my emotions again.
“Go back to bed Archie.” I said. “Thank you for doing this, again.”
“Are you –“ He began,
“I’ll be fine. I’m sorry I woke you all, again.” I said. “Go back to whoever you’ve got in your bed!” I laughed.
“Melissa” He said in the sleaziest way possible and I laughed. “that’s all I wanted.” He smiled. Seeing me laughing now obviously made him feel better about leaving.
“Thanks Arch.” I said as he opened my bedroom door to leave. He turned and gave me a small smile before closing the door behind him, leaving me completely on my own once again.

-

“I rang her.” I said to Archie. By her, I meant the woman’s number that was given on the back of the support group leaflets. Archie had been back in my room pressuring me about it this morning. I had thought about it all day during lectures and work. If I am causing so much disruption in this flat then I guess I have to at least try it once.
“Good!” He said. “What time does it start? Where is it?”
“It’s at a community centre place in Chester. It starts at 6, don’t know when it finishes.” I said. It was 3 o’clock now so I would need to be ready to catch the bus at 5 to ensure I’d make it on time. I should probably shower first but what do I even wear?
Archie smiled. “Do you want me to come to Chester with you? I can go to the CSU and meet up with some mates whilst you’re in the meeting.”
“I’m a big girl Archie” I said cheekily. “And to everyone’s surprise I am pretty capable to looking after myself!” “That’s not what I meant. I just thought maybe you would like someone to chat to on the bus, that’s all.”
“I appreciate the thought Chicken but honestly it’s fine!” I smiled. “Do you want a cuppa?”
“Yes please” He said, moving over to sit on the couch. I’m glad that he had stopped talking about it. I heard a bedroom door open from up the corridor slightly. I flicked the switch on the kettle and looked to see who it was. Alicia came crawling up the corridor faster than a bullet. Once she had recognised Archie, she stopped and started to laugh. Archie looked up instantly and his face lit up the second he saw her.
“Alicia!” He said playfully and she instantly started crawling in his direction. Kris and Gaby appeared seconds later.
“She really does need watching every second at the minute.” Gaby said as she hurried up the hallway. Her tense posture relaxing when she saw that Archie now had Alicia sat up on his lap.
“My thoughts exactly!” Kris said as he reached the top of the hallway. “And I have coursework to do tonight!”
Gaby sighed like an irritated 12 year old and raised her eyes heavenward.
“Lorna,” She said without even turning to face me. It may have been months now but neither of us had let our guard down in the slightest. She hates me for not telling her about Natalie and Rhys and I still partly blame her for Zak and I breaking up, “Can you watch Alicia?”
“When from?” I asked, my enthusiasm clearly showing. As much as I dislike Gaby right now Alicia is still my favourite girl in the world.
“Now till 11ish?” She asked. I could hear the hope in her voice.
“Sure!” I burst, anything to get out of going to this ridiculous group tonight.
“No.” Archie interrupted, “She’s busy”
“Alicia needs me!” I snapped at Archie. He shook his head.
“I’ll watch her.” He said directly to Gaby. “Lorna will help me when she can but she’s busy tonight.”
“Right” Gaby said, obviously confused, “Thanks Arch”
Gaby turned and looked at me as if she’d be able to work things out just by looking at me. I simply looked away. It’s embarrassing that I’m attending this group tonight. It’s embarrassing that I’m still having nightmares and the whole flat knows about that but still. I really do not want to go. Archie gestured at me to come and take Alicia from him. I lifted her out of Archie’s arms and she instantly buried her head into my shoulder. I moved through into the kitchen as Archie and Kris hurriedly lifted the coffee table out of the way so she could sit in the middle of the rug without banging her head, again. That was something we had learned through experience.
I made Archie his tea with Alicia in my arm. It took such a little time for Alicia to get restless as we were looking at the kitchen worktops rather than her Mummy, Daddy and Archie. I left Archie’s tea sat on the kitchen work top and took Alicia over to her little pink toy box and left her sat there beside it. She had the lid off within seconds and was making a mess by tossing various books and toys everywhere. Archie, Gaby and Kris seemed to be having a chat between them. Alicia stopped when she found The Grufallo. She held it for a while. I wonder if she remembers that that was Zak’s favourite and that he used to read it to her a lot.
He hasn’t even been back to visit, once. He’s been gone for over 13 weeks. He left at the end of January and we are now at the end of April. He left and hasn’t even looked back. We never speak. I know that he speaks to the others regularly, over skype, texts, phonecalls even but we never speak. I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt. Of course it does but I know it’s my own fault that we don’t. I told him at his leaving party that I wanted him to leave me alone. That in order to get over him I needed to pretend that he was never there in the first place which was the most ridiculous idea ever. It’s been months yet everything still makes me think of him. Any time the others mention him I need to hear what he’s been saying. I need to know that he’s okay. That he’s happy.
“Lorna?” Kris said in a strict tone.
“What?” I asked. “Sorry, I was away in my head.”
“I asked what time you were leaving” Gaby explained. “Thought you were just being a bitch.” She stated bluntly.
“I’m leaving at 5” I said. “So I’ll be able to get Archie sorted for Alicia’s tea before I go.”
“Thank you” Gaby said civilly, “I’ll see you all after work then.” She said as she walked over towards Alicia and I. “Bye Bye Alicia” Gaby said waving and Alicia waved back. The next thing the door was closed and Gaby was gone.
“What are you up to tonight that you are all secretive about?” Kris asked. I raised my eyes heavenwards.
“Why do you have to be so nosey!” I sighed.
“Are you meeting up with Connor?” Kris asked. I had to physically stop myself from laughing at the thought. “or maybe adam?”
“Kris, as I’ve told you a million times Connor and Adam are my friends from work. I have no interest in them romantically what so ever!”
“Nicholas then!” Kris teased. I sighed loudly, letting him know that I was fed up of this game. They’re all expecting me to move on from Zak. “Steph really shouldn’t have let you do the hiring at MOBs!” Kris continued.
“Well I’m the manager now” I bragged.
“Who hired lots of attractive muscle-y men for her own amusement! That’s called sexual harassment”
“I think you’ll find since those “attractive muscle-y men” started working there our sales have gone up!” I laughed. “So no, not sexual harassment, simply just a clever marketing ploy” I explained smugly.
“Remind me again why you’re doing childcare at uni?” Kris asked.
“Because I love babies!” I said, picking Alicia up from the floor and kissing her on the cheek. 2 weeks after Zak left Steph was offered a new job at a dance school in Chester. At first she turned it down because she didn’t want Mobs to suffer and obviously as Mobs was Max’s baby she couldn’t bear the thought of selling but I promised her I would take charge. Obviously this caused an argument as Steph thought that it implied that I believed that the job didn’t take much, that it would be possible for me to carry on my degree but then I told Steph the truth. Something I’ve known for months now, since last year even, I want to drop out. Steph is the only person who knows this. She knows that once I’ve finished 2nd year I’m going to drop out and run Mobs full time and take a business course at night. I haven’t told anyone from the flat this yet. I don’t want to, not yet. I love living here. I wish I could still live here and not do my stupid course. I sighed audibly and Kris and Archie both turned to look at me.
“I’m fine!” I said, knowing they were just about to question what was up. “I’m going to go for a shower and get changed!”
“Clearly want to make a good impression on this new guy!” Kris said, so sure of himself that it just made me angry.
“Yeah yeah” I said as I wandered in to my bedroom to get stuff ready.  

-

“Lorna, this is Maggie, Cassie, Maya, Kaley and Ann-Marie” Ian said as he went round the circle. “And of course you spoke to Alana on the phone.”
I nodded and smiled politely. The 5 girls who were sat around the table all said there various greetings before each going back to looking at their phone or magazine or whatever they had been doing before I entered the room. Whilst I sat trying to ignore the voice in my head that was telling me to run away, go for a hot chocolate somewhere and then go back to halls and pretend that I stayed here the whole time and it was great and oh so helpful. I looked around the circle at the women he had just introduced me to. Both Maggie and Maya looked to be the same age as me, maybe even slightly younger. Ann-Marie and Cassie looked as if they were in late 30’s/Early 40’s and finally the other one, her name began with K looked like she wanted to be here even less than I did. I couldn’t decide which age she was. Though she had a young looking face, her dress sense – stylish office clothes – hinted to me that she must be slightly older than myself as did the large engagement ring that was glittering on her left hand.
There were no spare seats at the table which had left me feeling even more lost than before but before I knew it Ian had appeared behind me with another chair. I thanked him instantly and sat down on the chair next to one of the older women who continued to chat to the woman beside her. Sitting down at the table had not made me feel any more at ease but even more isolated. All of the women sat around me seemed to know each other well. God knows how long they had been attending these support groups. Do they come because they feel like it helps? Do they come because someone else is making them? Do they have the same horrible nightmares that I still continue to have?
“Shall we get started then?” Alana said as she walked over to the table, carrying a chair as she walked. Ian made an awkward attempt to try and take the chair off of her but she rejected him instantly. It was only now that I noticed she was pregnant. I don’t understand how I hadn’t noticed before as she was quite a petite woman, short and slim but her belly was swollen and huge.
“Lorna, do you know much about what goes on here?” Alana asked so softly that it was verging on becoming patronising .I shook my head and stayed quiet. “Well normally we would get together and start with talking about any issues anyone’s been having lately then once we’ve got that out of the way we normally do something fun like go for a meal or to the cinema or something. How does that sound to you?”
“A lot better than what I was expecting.” I said bluntly. It made a few of the girls laugh.
“I take it you’re not here out of your own choice?” One of the younger girls, possibly Maggie, asked.
“No.” I said honestly. “One of my flatemates suggested I come.” I said. My head was telling me to be upfront regarding the night terrors but something inside was stopping me. I don’t know these people. They might think I’m being ridiculous.
“Are you at HCC?” Maya asked, clearly trying to make me feel more comfortable by talking about a non-confrontational topic.
I nodded. “Are you?”
“Maggie and me both do Chemistry” She smiled. “What do you do?”
“Childcare. I’m considering dropping out though.” I said. “With everything that’s gone on recently I’m not sure childcare is for me anymore.”
I saw Maya give me a confused look. “I had a-“ I began. “There was a situation-urm” I began to stutter. I could feel my face going red. Is this what they expected me to do? Tell my story to this group of randoms I barely knew.
“It’s okay cherub, you don’t have to tell us anything until you are ready.” Ann-Marie said, touching my shoulder gently. Instantly, I relaxed as I saw the girl’s around the table smile at me knowingly. They knew this was hard.
“Thanks. It’s not the best topic to talk about.”
“We know.” They all said at the same time which was creepy but it seemed to make them smile. Happy knowing that they had these few people in this room who – unlikely as it was that they would be friend’s away from this room – were there to support them through this and most of all, they understood.

-

I unlocked the door to our flat at 11.30 after a surprisingly good night of dinner and cocktails. If I’d have known that the support group was like that I would’ve joined before now. Archie, Cameron and Elliot were sat in the sitting area watching a movie.
“There she is!” Elliot said. Clearly unnerved that he hadn’t known where I was all of this time. I knew Archie wouldn’t have told a soul. He was good like that when you needed him to be. “Where have you been?”
“Just went out for drinks with work people. It was nice.” I smiled. I saw Archie smile at my reaction. I knew he would be itching to ask me more about it but wouldn’t do so in front of the other boys.
“Where did you go?” Cameron asked. I knew he was asking purely to be polite. He seemed to be more interested in the half naked woman who was rolling about the bonnet of a van on the TV screen.
“Sakura.” I said. “The big bar in Chester. It was lovely, wasn’t too pricey either.”
“I’ve been there a few times” Archie said. “There daiquiri’s are amazing!”
I gave him a look. What does he know about cocktails! “I meant there really fit staff” He said quickly.
“Yeah, yeah” I laughed, sitting down on the couch beside Archie. He had his laptop out on his lap which I thought was unlike him. I only ever really saw Archie on his laptop if he had work due in and I knew for a fact he had no more serious coursework due in this semester. He only had his exams to focus on.
“What’s your laptop out for?”
“We were chatting to Zak on Skype” Elliot said instantly. Both Archie and Cameron shot him a look instantly.
I laughed. “Guys, you don’t need to keep shielding me. I love Zak. I always will but I understand why he left. He is allowed to live his own life. What was he saying?”
“The same as he always says, stories about work that we don’t understand.” Archie sighed. “Stories from nights out about people we don’t even know.” He said, looking quite sad.
“You are allowed to miss him Arch.” I said, touching his hair.
“Yeah but he doesn’t miss us much does he?!” He sighed. “He promised he would Skype every day when he first left. That was the first time we’ve done it in weeks!!”
I sighed. “This is what happens Arch. This is why long distance relationships never work.”
Cameron began to laugh. “Arch mate, isn’t this what we’re meant to be telling Lorna. Not her telling you.”
“It’s just not fair.” Archie sighed.
“I know Arch, believe me I know!”

-------------

Gaby's POV

My eyes were blurring in and out of focus. I was so tired, and I still had about 2 hours left of my shift. My phone buzzed in my back pocket but I didn’t bother taking it out to see who it was. The pub was reasonably busy for a Tuesday night, but there still wasn’t much to do. I yawned, stretching my arms out in front of me. The thought of leaning up against the bar and just falling asleep was too tempting…
“Oi!” A voice shouted behind me.
Before I could react I felt a stinging sensation on my lower back and jumped forwards away from Rhys. He stood, smirking, a tea towel dangling from his hand. I glared back.
“What was that for?” I asked, rubbing my back. That actually hurt. There was no need for him to whip me.
“You looked like you needed waking up. Here, you can do the cutlery if you want.” He threw the towel at me and I caught it in my right hand. I stared at it sadly. Cutlery is by far the most boring task you can possible do, but at least it gives you the excuse to sit down.
“Thanks. Just what I always wanted to do. The cutlery…” I mumbled, walking through into the kitchen. It was dark in there. Food had stopped being served at 7 o clock and the chefs had all gone home. Lucky for some. I pulled a stool over to one of the counters and turned to go and get the cutlery. It didn’t take me long to finish the whole lot. We hadn’t been busy food-wise for a while now. Within 15 minutes I was already back out on the bar with Rhys. In the small amount of time I’d been in the kitchen the amount of customers in the pub had halved. Now there was only five people in, all huddled around the same table having a drunken debate. I recognised one of them as being a McQueen.
“Didn’t she used to work here?” I asked Rhys, who seemed slightly surprised to see me back behind the bar so soon.
“Yeah, before we owned the place though. She left when the Osbournes did.” He replied, and I nodded. I forgot Rhys’ family hadn’t always owned this place. It just seems so normal them being here now. I only met the last owners once or twice. I think I met their son a couple more times, and I’ve seen him around since, but they don’t come in here very regularly anymore. I guess they weren’t happy to have to give up the place and coming back gives them bad memories or something.
“So who has Alicia tonight? Kris?” Rhys asked casually, leaning up against the back of the bar.
“No, Lorna.” I said, folding my arms across my chest. “And Archie for a bit too because Lorna’s busy.” Rhys raised his eyebrows. I could tell what he was thinking. Of all the two people in the world I’d want to watch Alicia, Archie and Lorna are not the ones. Of course I trust both of them with her, but Archie is so irresponsible sometimes and Lorna is just… Well, I still hate her guts right now.
“Where’s Kris?”
“I dunno, probably at Karl’s or something.” I said rolling my eyes. Rhys frowned.
“Who’s Karl?” He asked, “Your neighbour Karl?”
My stomach dropped. I always forget that no one else knows about Kris and Karl yet because I’ve known for so long now. It’s annoying! I don’t understand why they’re still being so secretive about it. I mean, fair enough if they wanted to keep it from me, but the others don’t even really know Karl so I don’t see the big deal.
“Uh, no. Some other guy off Kris’ course. They have some group work due in tomorrow.” I said, and I wasn’t sure Rhys would believe me at first. He looked at me for a second, a confused look over his face, and then he shook his head and gave a small laugh.
“Sounds like fun.”
“Yep.” I agreed sarcastically. There wasn’t anything more to say so I moved forwards to find something to do. Anything! Just as I went to pick the cloth up from off the side the group of people, our only customers, stood up and made their way towards the exit. I groaned. If they left then that literally meant the pub was empty and there was nothing to do for 2 more hours.
“Lighten up.” Rhys said, stretching his arms up and yawning. “Now we can chill out.”
I laughed. I guess that was kind of true. If there were no customers in we didn’t have to do this whole charade of looking awake and ready to serve. We can sit down and practically fall asleep. I walked over to the now empty table and cleared their glasses away. By the time I’d returned to the bar Rhys was already sat on a stool on the wrong side, reading a newspaper. I felt like now was a suitable time to check my phone and also to make sure Archie was still alright with Alicia. I had two messages. Both from Arrow. Both saying practically the same thing. I didn’t need his reminders anymore though. I’ve got it all under control. I quickly text Archie and then put my phone away. Rhys was still sat over the newspaper. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I should at least clean everything before I gave up like he had. I started wiping down the sides, putting glasses in the glass washer, restocked the fridge... By the time I’d finished Rhys was only halfway through the paper. I was irritated now, so turned towards him with the cleaning spray in my hand and squirted him right across the face. He gasped and looked up at me in shock.
“You little-” But he didn’t finish the sentence. Instead he stood up and made to hit me with the newspaper but I just ran towards the empty kitchen, and he followed me just as I’d expected. He caught me and spun me around, I was way too out of breath for the short run I’d just been on! I held out the spray in front of me like a gun and he lifted the newspaper in front of him like a bat. We smirked at each other.
“What are you going to do now, eh?” He said, eyebrows raised, challenging me. I smiled again and sprayed his chest. He made a quick movement and grabbed the spray out of my hand and hit me lightly over the head with the newspaper, and within the same second I had succeeded. His lips met mine with the same force they had they previous night, and the night before that, and the night before that. I closed my eyes and let the waves of pain hit me as hard as they had every time so far, but this was necessary, and I’d managed to stay strong every other night so why was today any different? His hands gripped my back firmly and I ran mine over his shoulders and up to his hair, gripping him tighter to me. After a few minutes of this we both abruptly broke apart. The pub door could be heard swinging shut, and both members of staff were hiding in the dark kitchen. Rhys looked at me and laughed, I just bowed my head to the floor, trying to smile. He took hold of my hand and pulled me back out into the pub. I released myself from his grip once we were out in the open. I didn’t want anyone knowing what just happened, and I couldn’t be sure that whoever had just come into the pub wasn’t someone we both knew. Luckily for me it wasn’t, but I still had to be cautious.

-

“Are you picking Alicia up from halls?” Rhys asked me, his hands both in mine, his lips going back to my neck. The pub was closed, the lights were all off and we were in the back where I usually keep my coat and bag during my shift.
“Yeah.” I replied, my voice sounding oddly hollow.
“I’ll walk with you then.”
“No.” I said suddenly. He stopped kissing me and looked at me confused. “Er, I mean, I just don’t want anyone getting suspicious. We never walk back together.”
“Yeah, okay.” He said, and I could tell he was starting to feel both sad and guilty as he always does whenever I bring up the fact no one can find out about us. It’s pathetic really.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said, making an effort to put my hand up around his neck and pull his lips towards me. We kissed for a few more minutes until I felt him starting to relax. I let him decide when was enough, and after a moment more he pulled himself away from me.
“See you tomorrow.” He agreed, smiling. I smiled back and turned away from him to leave the dark pub. I’d only walked as far as the river when I got the idea that I was being followed. I carried on walking until I got out of sight of the pub and then stopped by a wall waiting for him to catch up with me.

“How’d it go?” Arrow asked, his face emerging from the shadows. I felt my face harden at the sight of him.
“Fine.” I mumbled back in response.
“Do you think it’s working?” He asked as I carried on walking.
“I think I’m getting his hopes up, yes.” I said venomously.
“So you reckon you’ll get it out of him soon?”
“No, Arrow, I don’t! If I dated him for a whole year and he never told me the code for the safe then why do you suddenly think he’ll tell me now?” I asked angrily. This whole plan spelt out ’fail from the word go.
“You work for him now. You’ll definitely find something out.”
“I don’t understand why you need this money so much.” I said for the thousandth time. I stopped walking and so did he, staring at me. As always he just stayed silent, unwilling to answer that question.
“We need it. You need it too, remember, for your kid.” He said but he laughed whilst saying it and I could tell he thought I wanted the money for other purposes. Smirking at the stunned look on my face, he started walking away again, so I followed.
“Yes, okay, but I’m not that desperate. If I get caught – I’ll lose my job! I may even get arrested or something!”
“You won’t get arrested.” Arrow laughed. “They wouldn’t press charges against you. You’re too close to the family.”
“I’d still lose my job. I need it to survive, Arrow.”
“You get student loans.”
“Which just about pays my bills! I can’t afford food and clothes and nappies for Alicia off of that!”
“Exactly. That’s why we’re doing it.” He said again, and this time his voice sounded so stern that I didn’t dare argue with him.
“You don’t understand how painful it is.” I said quietly, worried he might lash out at me again. “Rhys seriously broke my heart and now you’re making me do the worst. I can’t stop remembering everything. It is physically hurting me.”
“You’ll thank me later.” He said with no emotion. He didn’t give a damn about me. He just wanted me to do his dirty work for him.
“Right.. Well I’ll see you later then.” I replied annoyed. We’d reached halls and this was the place Arrow knew not to follow me.
“Yeah. I’ll be at yours.”
“No!” I snapped back. “Not tonight. Kris is there, and I’m going to have Alicia. I already told you this.”
He rolled his eyes, pulling out a roll-up as he walked away from me.
“Relax. Tomorrow then.” He winked, lit his cigarette and disappeared into the shadows as I entered the building.

-

I was struggling up the stairs with Alicia in my arms, trying to keep her asleep. The last thing I wanted was for her to wake up now. I’m so unbelievably tired I just want her to sleep all night so that I can sleep as much as possible.
“Gaby! Hey.”
I jumped out of my skin and clung Alicia closer to me out of instinct. She started to stir in my arms but settled again pretty quickly. I looked up to see who had called me and saw Kris stood in Karl’s doorway, Karl was in the background in his flat.
“Hey Kris.” I said with no enthusiasm. His eyes found Alicia and I saw his face light up.
“She looks adorable. Was Lorna alright with her then?”
“As far as I know.” I said, struggling to put my key in the door. Kris walked towards me and pulled the key out of my hand, helping me and Alicia inside.
“Thanks.” I mumbled, dropping my bag on the floor in the doorway and turning the light on. I looked around my spotless flat in relief, thanking the lord that Kris hadn’t been at Karl’s last night when I finished work to see the crap I had lying about the place. I turned back to him to ask him how his night had been but saw him back down at the bottom of the stairs bringing Alicia’s pram up for me. I smiled in gratitude.
“Thanks Kris, you didn’t need to do that.”
“It’s fine.” He said, walking into my flat and putting the pram in the corner where it belongs. I walked through into Alicia’s room and carefully lay her in the cot, pulling her coat off her gently and zipping her into her sleeping bag. I noticed Kris follow me in but didn’t make a sound because I feared it would wake her up. I kissed three of my fingers and touched Alicia’s head as she was too low down to give a proper kiss, then whispered goodnight and went to leave her room. A few seconds later, Kris joined me in my bedroom, pulling her door to a close behind him.
“When did you move the cot in there?” He whispered to me.
“About a week or two ago? I can’t remember.” I said shrugging. “She was getting too old to still be in here with me.” I added in response to his confused look. He looked slightly saddened.
“I can’t believe how big she is now.”
“I know.” I agreed sadly. Alicia is very nearly 9 months old, and I can’t believe it. She’s crawling, she’s scaling absolutely everything, she can walk perfectly well in her walker. It’s hard to believe that just a few weeks ago she could barely keep herself sat up straight. “You know she’s nearly the same age I was when I learnt to walk?” I told Kris matter-of-factly as we walked out into the front room. My flat door was wide open and Kris made his way towards it.
“I can’t believe it.” He said shaking his head in shock. “I don’t understand where my little baby girl’s gone.” He said, but he smiled as he said it. He stood in my doorway for a second in thought, then he focused back on me again. “I should get back. I was just about to leave and haven’t said bye.”
“Okay that’s fine.” I said, “When are you going to tell people about you two? Because telling people you have coursework and essays and stuff all the time is going to start getting more and more suspicious as we get into exam period.” I smirked as I said it and he smiled back.
“Soon. I just don’t want to ruin anything right now.”
I continued to smile at him, but I couldn’t tell if I meant it or not. I am so glad Kris is happy. I have never seen him so free and genuinely over the moon before. But a part of me is, there’s no better word for it, jealous. I miss Kris doting on me constantly. I miss him trying to do anything he can to make me happy. I really do, and it’s so unbelievably selfish.
“Okay, but I don’t know how long I can keep this quiet.” I said jokingly. I walked forwards and gave him a hug and he responded by giving me a classic Kris hug which seemed to mend all my broken pieces, even if it was only temporarily.
“I hope you’ve had a good night. Love you chicken.” I said as he pulled away from me.
“Love you too, see you tomorrow.” He said, and I closed my door on him as he walked back into Karl’s flat.

-

“Holy shit, how fucked are you?” Eden laughed hysterically as I clung onto Arrow for support. I couldn’t even remember where we were. I could barely remember my own name. All I knew was that it was a Friday night and Kris said he’d have Alicia as I had the night off work. Arrow had his arm tight around my waist, laughing along with Eden, and I smirked back.
“She may have had more than usual.” Arrow slurred in approval.
“No kidding.” Eden laughed again. I turned away from her and buried my head into Arrow’s shoulder, moving with the music as best as I could under the circumstances. Arrow’s hand ran seductively along my lower back, his other hand still holding me upright by the waist. I heard someone shouting over the music, next thing I know that voice is right next to us.
“Arrow, mate, want some MD? Trix got loads and is sharing it out.”
I lifted my head up and looked around the dark dingy room. It was only now that I realised I must be in somebody’s house because this room resembled a poor person’s living room. There were cigarette burns on the old worn out sofas, and empty book cases that were currently being used as a place to put empty cups. The room only had about 6 people in it, but it was quite small so seemed overly crowded.
“I’ll have some.” I spoke up once I located the guy who had spoken to Arrow. He grinned at me appreciatively.
“No, it’ll fuck you up.” Arrow said, pulling me back towards him by the upper-arm.
“It won’t, let go of me.” I said, struggling to get out of his grip. “It’s just a bit of MD.”
“Gaby-” He said warningly, and then he lowered his voice so only I could hear, “You’ve already had a lot of alcohol, weed and coke tonight.”
“It’s all wearing off. “ I said back to him, and it was true. I was starting to crash. I needed to get back up. I needed to perk up and deal with everything. Arrow just shrugged at me and nodded to his friend. A few seconds later he returned with two tiny pills.
“To good fucking health.” I joked, taking mine and swallowing it with straight vodka. I didn’t even feel the burn as it went down my throat and into my chest, I was that used to this now. I pulled Eden up off of the worn out sofa and into the middle of the room, waiting for the pill to take effect. After about 20 minutes I was buzzing, and I noticed everyone else around me was too. It was the party ideal. People were pouring straight vodka, from the bottle, down other peoples’ throats. I ended up on a random guys shoulders, air-wrestling another girl who was on another guys shoulders. I lost, of course. The euphoria was everywhere. I couldn’t get over how happy and free I felt. Arrow tugged on my hand and pulled me into a dark room, taking advantage of my state of mind, kissing me and holding me until it hurt. He shut the door and I heard a lock click, and then he pushed me against the wall and I didn’t even consider objecting. I never do. But suddenly I came back to earth with an almighty crash. I felt my breath catch in my throat. I felt the nausea that can only be related to an early hangover. I tried to push Arrow off of me but he was too far into it. His buzz was still there. My colourful world was gone. The darkness that was my life had returned, and I found myself in the bedroom of a girls house, who I had never met before, with a guy that quite honestly scared me. I tried, again, to push him off of me, feeling anxious now. But he gripped me tighter and expressed more determination than ever. I closed my eyes tight and realised I didn’t have any other option but to go along with it. I held back tears and kissed him back as he forced his lips over mine.

-

I quickly finished making myself look presentable. It’s crazy how a little bit of make-up can change someone completely. I’d been throwing up continuously all morning. My eyes and the skin around them were so completely blood shot that I looked like I could be part of a horror film, but I’d managed to cover up most of the damage and looked reasonably normal. I looked at myself in the mirror. The last few months have changed me completely. I look almost unrecognisable to myself. I’ve taken to wearing a lot of long sleeved tops again, and tonnes of bracelets and bangles to cover up the cuts and scars that I’m so ashamed of. My whole image is dark these days. Before new year I would be wearing colourful dresses and skirts, but these days I just seem to wear black skinny jeans and dark tops or jumpers. Even my make-up has become dark to hide the permanent bags I seem to have around my eyes. To be honest, in my opinion, I prefer my new look. I feel fierce and alive right now. I feel like I’m accepting that this is who I am now.
There was a knock on my front door. I walked slowly out of my room and into my lounge, checking for any evidence of the person I’ve become before I opened the door. I assumed it would be Kris, returning Alicia after having her for the night, but as I pulled back the door I realised it was Archie.
“Hey.” I said, confused. It was the first time I’d spoken all day and I realised now that I literally had no voice. I tried to clear my throat but it had no effect. Archie raised his eyebrows.
“Had a good night then?” Archie laughed and walked past me into the flat.
“It was… alright.” I said slowly. “You okay?”
“Yeah. I was just walking past this way and thought I’d see you.” He said smiling. I frowned at him. Archie very rarely just drops by unannounced without good reason. He seemed to read what I was thinking and sighed.
“Okay, I wanted to talk to you about Lorna.”
“What about her?” I said huskily, rolling my eyes.
“These nightmares she’s having.” He said quietly as though she might overhear him.
“You said the other day she agreed to go get help for them.” I said confused. Lorna had been having some pretty bad night terrors recently. I’d only witnessed two of them, but everyone else has heard her suffer every single night. Rhys has been voicing his concern to me a lot at work, but hasn’t dared bring it up with anyone in the flat in case they snap at him. To be honest, I’m quite relieved that everyone’s attention seems to be on Lorna these days. It’s selfish but it makes me feel like I have more freedom now that everyone is watching her every move rather than mine.
“She did. And she went. But that’s not what I came here to talk about.” Archie rushed, tapping his foot on the floor repetitively. He seemed really on edge.
“Arch, what’s up?” I asked. He looked up at me, his face pale.
“I told Zak.”
My jaw dropped. I stared at him in shock and he bit his lip nervously. Was he serious? Had he told Zak about Lorna’s nightmares? I could tell by the look on his face he wasn’t messing with me. I shook my head in surprise.
“You idiot! She is going to kill you! Why would you do that?!” I snapped at him. I was half tempted to go and slap him just to get his attention and to make him realise what a stupid thing he had done.
“He kept asking about her, and I couldn’t lie anymore. I’m so worried about her.” He said and he put his head in his hands. “Gabs he said he’s coming back to see her. He might be able to help her.”
“What?!” I tried to shout but no sound came out because I was so voice-less. He got the idea though and looked at me with fear. “Well you’re going to have to tell her!”
“I can’t! She’s been trusting me with so much recently. I can’t tell her that I let her down.”
“Well what are you going to do? He’s going to turn up here, probably later today, and she’ll ask how he found out!” I reminded him. He nodded at me in understanding.
“I know, Gaby. But..” He paused. “Look, I know it’s not fair to ask, but you and Lorna haven’t been friends for months..” He said slowly. I looked at him in shock again. Was he seriously asking what I thought he was?
“Archie, no!”
“Please. I’m worried what this will do to her.”
“She’s not emotionally unstable, Arch, she’s just having a few nightmares!” I snapped at him. I was starting to feel angry now. I was starting to see a different side to Archie.
“You don’t understand, Gaby, you’re never there.” He said stubbornly. “Please! If you could just say it was you who told him… Please.” He stepped closer to me and grabbed my hand, looking at me with so much hope. “Please.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Fine. But if she finds out then I am not sticking up for you.” I said bitterly. “Make sure Zak knows to say I told him then.”
“I will.” He said, and he sounded so relieved. He leaned forwards and kissed me on the forehead. I cringed and recoiled, shoving him back from me.
“You owe me so much.” I said to him. “You’ve actually made me so mad.” I said shaking my head at him.
“I know, Gaby, I know. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. Thank you.” He said, he went to hug me but I shook my head to make him realise how seriously angry I was really feeling.
“Just go, Archie.” I said sadly, walking towards the door to let him out. He just nodded, realising he’d overstepped the mark.
“Thank you. I love you, Gabs. Thanks.” He said, and he tried to smile at me but couldn’t quite do it. I just stared at him with anger as he stepped out of my flat and ran down the stairs out of the building. I closed my door and hit my palm against the frame in anger. After Zak gets here, mine and Lorna’s friendship will be more over than it ever was. Not that I’m bothered. But Archie didn’t realise that it won’t only be Lorna who’s angry at me. Kris will flip when he finds out. He’ll think it’s a completely new low blow, especially as it’s coming from me. Archie would not have been hated as much as I am about to be. He’s lucky I love him so damn much.

Maggie:
Heading to the loft tonight, come with? Pres round ours any time after 8? Feel free to bring your flatmates! Let me know! Xx

I smiled. How lovely of her! I had no choice but to laugh when I saw she’d said to bring my flatmates. We’d have a brilliant night out; Natalie, Rhys and me. Best night ever! My fingers hovered over the letters for a few seconds. I’d love a night out. I feel like I haven’t been out in months but at the same time I’m not the best with new people. It’s not as if I even know Maggie that well. Surely Maya would be there. They did seem rather close but then again Maya and I weren’t that close either.
It would be good for me though, right? To socialise with the girls from Tuesday nights.
What if we were asked how we knew each other?
What would be said?
I felt my stomach sink. Too awkward.
I shook my head feeling extremely unsure.
“What are you pulling faces for?” Connor asked.
“My friend,” I began. “I haven’t known her very long, we only met on Tuesday but she has asked me to go to the loft with her and her friends later and I’m not sure. I mean, I’m not good in groups when I don’t know anyone. It takes a while for me to release the crazy.”
He began to nod over enthusiastically. I laughed aloud. “No truer words have ever been spoken. You were pretty much a mute when Nick and I started and now-“
“Stop right there before we fall out.” I stated with a smile on my face. He smiled.
“Take someone with you!” He said. “How about the gay guy with the baby? The blonde one, irish!”
“What?” I asked sort of shocked. “He’s not gay.” I stated confused. Yes, he is bisexual or so he says but in the entire time I’ve known him I’ve never seen him with a guy. Not even a drunken snog or anything.
“I’m pretty sure it was him.” He said. I was dumfounded. “Nick?” Connor called over. Nick dropped the blender into the sink and headed over towards us.
“Connor.” He said in a similar tone.
“Tuesday night, remember we saw Lorna’s baby daddy friend getting off with that guy?”
“yeah! Kris!” he said. “I said hi to him! Didn’t look to happy to see me.”
“Oh.” Was all I managed to respond.  
“Is he not openly gay?” Nick asked awkwardly. “He’s not the campest guy I’ve ever met, I mean my big brother is thee most obviously gay person in the world but I could tell with Kris. I’ve been to enough gay bars with Joe to know!”
I smiled at the imagine of the oh so straight Nicholas being hit on at a gay bar. It confirmed what I already knew though, he’s a lamb.
“So is he in or out the closet?” Connor asked bluntly.
“He’s Bi.” I said. “I knew that but in the whole time I’ve known him I’ve never once seen him with a guy. That might because the whole time I’ve known him he’s been in love with Gaby-“
“Gaby’s the bitchy baby mama right?” Nick chipped in.
“She’s not bitchy.” I said, jumping to Gaby’s defence without giving it a second thought.
“She’s hardly the nicest girl I’ve ever met.” Connor complained.
“She’s going through some stuff.” I said. “We’re not on the best of terms right now and I’m sorry again that you ended up witnessing it.”
Connor pulled a face. He had been round a few nights ago to borrow a few DVDs when Gaby had came to collect Alicia. Kris had popped out to a “friends” for an hour and left me with Alicia.
I wonder if Gaby knows about this guy.
“Now when I think about it, it all adds up. Kris has been sneaking around a lot these past few months.” I sighed.
“Why the big sigh?” Nick asked. “Were you into him?”
“God no!” I laughed. “I’m just sad he didn’t tell me, that’s all.”
“Aw!” Nick said so patronisingly that I instantly gave him a dirty look. “He doesn’t need to tell you everything.”
“I know.” I said sadly.
“Back on to the original topic!” Connor said as he closed the door to the fridge after restocking. “Nick, you busy later?”
Nick thought about it for seconds before shaking his head.
“Loft?” Connor asked.
His face dropped slightly. “Suppose. There are better places to go …”
“I know” I said agreeing instantly, the loft is awful. Most people just pay the taxi fair to go into chester for a better night out. “but it’s not me who’s choosing. A girl I only met earlier this week has asked me out with her and everyone. She told me I could bring people.”
“And we’re your first choice?” Nick said, touching his heart in a mocking way. “I’m touched.” My eyes raised heavenwards.
“Of course darling!” I laughed. “Right, can you 2 be trusted?” I asked. “And I’ll go start to get ready!”
“Lorna, it’s 2 o’clock?!”
“And?” I said. “Starting early!”  I winked.
“I know you, if you start drinking now you’ll be passed out by about 4!”
“You’re never gonna let that go, are you?” I stated making it clear the comment had annoyed me. “I was joking.”
“I won’t let it go. That flat mate of yours, the dorky one, wasn’t too pleased when I carried you home before dinner time!” He said. “For a geeky guy he was quite scary.”
“I scared him. That’s all.” I said. “He worries.” I sighed, feeling bad as I remembered that night. Poor Elliot. Always looking out for me.
“Right! Come round to mine at 8ish? And we can have a few before we head to Maggie’s!”
“How do you meet this girl anyway?” He asked.
“I’ll explain later!” I said, as I untied my apron and sat it on the side. “Byee!” I shouted as I walked away, trying to avoid admitting how I met Maggie. It was easy now but later, with alcohol involved …….

--

“Archie!” I shouted as I walked out of my bedroom. “I need your help!” I walked up the hall in my bare feet, feeling disgusted at the state of the carpet. It was half 6 and for once in my life I was ready ages before I needed to be.  In the end I decided to get very dressed up for a Friday Night in Hollyoaks, at the crappy loft. I know people will judge but I don’t care. I look good in this dress and if you look good, you feel good. As I reached the top of the hall I turned so I was facing back down the hall way. My back was now facing Archie so that he could zip up my dress.
“Archie, can you zip me up please?” I said as I lifted my hair out of the way of the zip.“It’s freezing in here!”
I heard him move around in the sitting area clearly deliberating what to do with Alicia. Kris had decided to give Gaby time to recover after her night out last night so she had been here practically the whole day. I don’t know when Gaby was coming back over to collect her. He said nothing but I felt him move closer.
“Before you say anything, I know this dress is a bit tight! Need to hit the gym a bit more with the boys!” I laughed awkwardly, hoping this was result in a sarcastic comment or him calling me chunky monkey as usual.
“You look amazing to me”
The hairs on my arms and the back on my neck stood to attention.
It couldn’t be.
I let my hair go and it dropped naturally down passed my shoulders. I took in a breath and I turned round to face him, Zak.
The boy I have spent the last few months completely broken over, stood right in front of me.
I said nothing.
He said nothing.
Just stood there looking at each other. He didn’t look any different. Sure there were slight differences, he was a little thinner but that was expected as his job no longer involved him trapped at a desk all day but other than that he was still Zak, my Zak.
Without even giving it a second though I enveloped him in my arms and gave him the tightest squeeze.
I’ve spent the last few weeks reminding myself that I do not miss him when I will never stop missing him. Cutting off all contact with each other was the worst idea I have ever had. To go from seeing someone every day, talking to them constantly to never seeing or speaking at all was horrific. It was as though one of us was dead or banished to a different world. The fact that he was still out there made it so much harder.
I could feel myself swell with emotion. My eyes brimming with tears, happy tears.  I’m ridiculous. Just to be stood here holding him, to see that he was okay was just a feeling that no words could explain.
I let him go and stepped away from him.
“Sorry I laughed before giving him a smile. I didn’t know what else to say. I felt like such a child. I physically couldn’t stop smiling to myself.
I laughed aloud again, “I’m sorry” I repeated. He smiled back at me, his usual cheeky grin and I swooned.
“How are you?” I asked, trying to start any sort of conversation.
“I’m good thank you, how are you?” He said. I forgot how good he sounded. It was good to know that being down south had not changed his accent in the slightest.
“I’m okay.” I shrugged. “How’s London?” I moved in to the sitting room and sat down on the couch and Zak followed. Alicia looked up at me and gave a slight happy giggle. I smiled back at her. I know she doesn’t remember him but part of me felt like she felt what I was feeling too. Zak’s back!
“London’s okay” he shrugged. “How big has this little one got?!” He said in disbelief. I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was sad he’d not seen Alicia in so long.  Alicia’s learning new things every day.  She was definitely not the same little girl that he had seen a few months previous.
“Well no wonder!” I said. “You haven’t seen her in like 3 months!” I said. I saw him frown at this remark but didn’t pause. “What happened to all those monthly long weekends you promised Archie?!”
“Didn’t exactly happen did they” He gave a humourless laugh.
“No they didn’t!” I said, “and I was left to deal with the mess of him!” I winked. Zak didn’t respond he just looked down.
“Want to see something cool?” I asked excitedly trying to lighten the mood.
“Yeah …” He answered, seeming unsure. I stood up off of the couch and picked Alicia up and placed her onto her feet. I then moved away and let her balance on her own.
I saw Zak’s face change. He was beaming he was that proud of her. I love how all of us walk but it’s a momentous occasion when every child learns to do it. She stood for a few seconds. Zak leaned forward on the couch and held his arms out to her. She looked at him for a few seconds before collapsing on her knees and crawling over to him. He picked her up and sat her on his lap.
“Standing she’s mastered. Taking steps, not so much.” I laughed. “She’s a nightmare to look after these days. Blink and she’s gone. The other day I found her in Elliot’s room and he hadn’t even realise she’d came in. Was sat at the bottom of his bed with a light saber toy stuck in her mouth.” I smiled. “Where did Archie go?” I said, voicing my concern. When I went to get ready I had left Alicia with Archie. “Clearly can’t trust him to look after her anymore.”
“He’s gone to the shop. Just realised Kris forgot to sort food for Alicia.” He said, “Silly mummy.” He told Alicia. “Since when did Arch know what food to get?”
“Alicia and Arch are besties these days.” I said. “Arch refers to them as the A team sometimes, Archie and Alicia. He’s growing up!” I said. I was probably as proud of Archie for starting to grow up as I was of Alicia for learning to stand. It was that much of a momentous occasion.
Zak smiled.
“When did you get here?” I asked.
“Almost an hour ago.” He answered, looking at the clock in the kitchen. “Only seen Archie so far. Where are the others?”
“Gaby’s at hers, I guess. Kris is most likely out with his boyfriend.” Zak pulled a face. “Don’t ask. I don’t even know the facts. Nick was filling me in at work earlier!” I said. So much for not telling anyone about that. “I heard Elliot and Natalie both leave but I don’t know where they’ve gone off to and Rhys will most likely be at the Dog. Cameron’s got a girlfriend and they’re pretty much olden day Scooney level of inseparable which is pissing Archie off majorly” I explained. “Elena’s lovely. He claims it’s not a big deal and they’re just “seeing” each other but I know it’s just a front.”
“What about your love life?” He asked and instantly the room went awkward. His whole posture adjusted the second the words left his mouth. My stomach dropped.
What a wake-up call.
I didn’t know what to say.
Obviously, I don’t have one. It’s been what? 13 weeks since he left. Does this me that he’s been seeing someone? Wants me to make him feel okay about it?
I’m actually lost for words.
“Don’t answer that.” Zak said, back tracking. “I shouldn’t have gone there.” The tips of his ears had gone red. He clearly hadn’t meant for that question to slip out.
“No, it’s okay.” I said. “There is nothing going on with me. What about you?”
He shook his head. “Nothing going on with me either.” He said awkwardly.
“Sucks to be us, eh?” I shrugged. I heard my phone ringing from my bed room but I didn’t get up to answer it. I just sat there in silence.
Alicia started to fuss on Zak’s lap so he put her back down on the carpet and she instantly crawled over to the toy box where her toys were scattered around and started playing with a toy bunny.
Zak and I sat there less than a metre apart on the couch both watching Alicia in silence.
I didn’t know what to say, what to do, how to react.
Part of me wanted to tell him how much I’ve missed him and how that us not speaking since he left was the dumbest idea ever but some other part of me was stopping myself from admitting it.
“Where are you heading tonight?” Zak asked.
“I was meant to be going to pres then the lost with one of the girls-“ I paused. Quickly thinking in my head that Archie or one of the other’s will have most likely told him about support group. “from support group”
“Oh” he said, clearly unaware of how to continue.
“Maybe it’d be good if we just stayed in instead-“ I put forward.
Zak took his eyes off of Alicia and turned to face me. We were so close to each other we were just touching and no more. I instantly regretted my word choice. I could tell by the look in his eyes he thought I meant we should have sex and that is not happening. Yes it would be amazing. Of course I have missed it but no, I’m not putting myself through having him once and then not speaking to him for months again after.
“I meant me, you, archie and the other guys, order in some food watched a film. The mobs lot could come round as well since I asked them to come to the house party with me.”
Zak instantly moved backwards. Realising he’d taken what I’d said the wrong way.
“What mobs lot?”
“Connor, Nicholas and Adam.” I said. “You’ve met Adam but Connor and Nicholas started after you left.”
“Oh” He said. “What about Steph?”
“Steph is stepping down. She’s been invited to work at a dance school in Chester. Obviously as Mobs is Max’s place she couldn’t bear to sell it so I offered to take charge. I’m the manager now.” I said.
Zak smiled at me, clearly happy for me. He knew more than anyone how much I love Mobs. “What about Uni?”
“Um-“ I paused and looked round toward Alicia suddenly panicked that I had lost sight of her every move. Thankfully she was still sat playing with the toy bunny. “If I’m honest do you promise not to tell the others?”
He nodded. “I’m dropping out.” I said.
“What?” He almost gasped, “But-“ He went to interject but I shook my head.
“don’t.” I said. “Please don’t try to convince me otherwise. I told you several times that I don’t want to work with kid’s anymore. Don’t act like this is a shock. I’m going to do night classes for business. It’s Archie course basically but part time with a third semester in the summer so it takes half the time to get the degree.” I continued, “I have looked in to this, I promise.”
He looked at me unsure.
“How is your job?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
“Honestly?” He asked.
I nodded, concerned about his reply.
“I hate it.”
“What?” I gasped.
“I don’t hate the job but I hate it down south.”
“As if!!” I said, in shock. “That’s my dream!”
“It’s not mine.” He laughed. “I miss being up north. I miss being able to talk without people impersonating my accent all the time. I miss all you lot!”
I started to chuckle. “I totally get the accent thing.” People impersonate the way I speak at least twice a day at Mobs.  Wonderful customers. There is a little old man – that the blokes says has a crush on me – that comes back at least 4 days a week and tells me he has been practicing his Scottish accent.
“I hate it.” I said. “Me mum said I was just homesick and I’d to stay down there and give it a go”
“She’s probably right!” I said, placing my hand on his knee.
“It took me a while to learn to love this place.” I said, “but I knew I was doing the right thing by sticking it out.”
“I only have to stick London out for one year. One year.” He said. “Then hopefully one of the hospitals in the area will give me a job.”
“I bet that by the time your placement has ended you’ll be loving it and the thought of coming back up here will repulse you!” I said seriously, knowing that I would be right.
“Let’s bet on it then!” He said. “£50!”
“that’s boring! How about if you come back up here I’ll get a tattoo and if you stay down there you have to dye your hair pink for a month!”
“Agreed.” He said and stuck his hand out for me to shake it. “I’m writing this down.” He said and took out his phone and began typing it. “I get to come watch when the tattoo gets done!”
“Fine!” I stated. “That is absolutely fine with because by this time next year you’ll be down there for good!”
“I’m a mama’s boy!” He laughed. “it’s killing me to be so far from home!”
Aww, I hadn’t even thought about poor Lisa struggling without his visits.
“Are you going to see her whilst you’re up?” I asked.
He nodded enthusiastically. “I’m here tonight, Liverpool tomorrow!”
He’s only here for one night. The thought made me feel a little sick. “I’m glad Lisa will get to see you.” I smiled.
I looked down and Alicia had managed to pull herself up to a standing position by using the space on the couch between Zak and I, I pulled her up and stood her up on the couch between the two of us. She was standing up on the couch and started to clap enthusiastically.
“1 …” Zak started.
“2 …” I followed, knowing exactly what he was doing. When we used to look after Alicia on our own we always used to do this. On the count of three we used to attack her with tickles and kisses and she would giggle like crazy.
“3” we both said at the same time before repetitively kissing her on the check and tickling her back and tummy. She was giggling like crazy. It was adorable. I couldn’t help but stop and smile as I watched Alicia and Zak together, back here with me.


----

Someone was at the door. I stood up off of the couch and opened it. Nick and Connor were stood there. Ready to go out, hair all sorted in their jeans and tshirts. I can never get used to seeing them in normal clothes. Any time I see them I just expect them to be in the horrific neon shirts for work.
Connor handed a McDonalds cup to me.
“We went to Maccy’ s for dinner. Brought you a milkshake!” He said, proud of himself.
I beamed. “Thank you!” I said. Putting the straw to my lips. Strawberry
“When are you going to get changed?” Nick asked, noticing that I was now just in jeans and a big cardigan rather than dressed for the loft.
“I’m sorry” I said sadly and watched as the boys realised I had changed my mind about going out.
“Why?!” Connor sighed. “You never want to come out with us!” He said clearly peed off. It made him sound like a 6 year old.
“You can come in for a bit if you want?” I asked. “I’ll text Maggie and ask where the flat party is!” I stood back from the door and let them in.
“Alright Lads!” Connor said as he strolled in and stole my seat on the couch. He stuck his 24 pack down on the coffee table.
“Were you meant to be going out?” Archie asked me.
“She still hasn’t told us why she isn’t!” Adam said, chiming in. I didn’t even realise he was there. Wonder where Gracie is. She still works at Mobs but never makes the effort to hang out with us. We are clearly too cool for her.
Zak walked up the corridor coming back from my bedroom with Alicia - now with a clean nappy - in his arms, he stopped when he noticed all of the new faces in the room.
“Zak!” Adam started, they had met briefly a few times before Zak left. I saw both Connor and Nick mentally connect the dots. They gave me a look which I couldn’t pin point whether it was meant to be understanding or not. “I didn’t know you were visiting this weekend!” Adam said. “How’s London?”
“It’s alright, thanks” Zak answered, walking in to the sitting room and putting Alicia on the floor before moving back over towards where Nick and I were stood.
I couldn’t help but notice that Zak was comparing himself to Nick. It made me want to laugh. Nick was my “ideal man” or what I tell everyone is my ideal man. He plays Rugby for the uni team. He’s 6ft 7 and is quite big built. He’s got dark hair but stunning blue eyes and most importantly he is such a sweetie.
Anyone sitting in the room could tell that Zak had taken an instantly dislike to him.
“Feel free to have a can!” Connor said, to the other guys who were dotted around the sitting area.
“Thanks Connor” Archie said loudly, trying to diffuse the awkward silence that had occurred. “Why didn’t I get an invite out, Lorna!”
“I was gonn-“ I started.
“Yeah, yeah!” Archie sighed sadly. “I’m well up for a night out.”
“Let’s go out then!” Zak said. “Go to this girl’s house party. Cameron, you up for it?”
“… Sure” He replied. He looked as if he was almost scared to say no to Zak.
“Okay” I said before drinking some more of my shake. Connor started chucking each of the lads a can of cider. He went to aim one at me.
“no thank you.” I smiled.
“Hitting the hard stuff again lorna?” Connor asked. Everyone knows vodka’s my thing. I bent down and got Archie’s laptop from below the couch. I sat it on to the arm of the couch and opened it up and clicked the first Spotify playlist I saw and left it on the floor.
“The alcohol cupboard is the one above the sink and to the left.” I said. “Glasses are in the cupboard next to it!”
The boys nodded. “I’m going to go get ready.” I said before turning and walking down the hall. This night could go one of two ways; a brilliant night out or a bloody disaster.

---

“Lorna!” Kris complained. “Where even is this house?”
We had been walking for quite a long time. I’d been very confident in the fact we didn’t need a taxi and how it would be far too expensive but there house was a lot further out than I thought. By the time we’d walked to the house we’d be sober with all this stupid fresh air. Gaby had came by and collected Alicia whilst I was getting ready for the second time in the evening. Thankfully she had gotten to see Zak during that time. By the sounds of things he was planning on driving to Liverpool as soon as he was sober enough to drive again.
“We’re on the right street now!” I repeated again after having individually told the majority of them this already. As usual I can’t walk in my shoes. I had linked arms with Connor for support. I had barely spoken to Zak since we started drinking. Minus when we had to speak during Fuck the Dealer and other silly drinking games.
“What number are they?” One of the boys shouted. I didn’t even know who.
“3!” A mixture of the boys replied. I’m glad more than just me realised I was repeating the same information over and over! It’s dark, cold and damp I get it but they’re all wearing flat shoes and are fully clothed and therefore shouldn’t be complaining!
“We’re here!” Archie shouted. The boys in front; Cameron, Kris, Nick, Archie and Zak came to a hault and waited for myself, Adam and Connor to catch up.
“What are you waiting for?” I asked as we reached them.
“Well you’re our in!” Archie explained. “We don’t know anyone in there!”
“Archie darling, does it sound like it matters?” I asked, referring to the fact we’d been able to hear the parties tunes from a distance for the past 10 minutes of the walk.
Most of them started to laugh as they headed up the drive and headed in to the house.
It was packed.
It was a struggle for Zak to shut the door behind us there were so many people in the hall way.
The second we’d entered the house the boys instantly had their cans and bottles back out and started downing them clearly sharing my opinion that the fresh air had vastly sobered us all up.
“I’m going to find Maya and Maggie” I said loudly. “Best find them and say hi before I drink anymore!” It was a struggle to be heard over the music. Right now it didn’t seem like anyone from this house party was heading to the loft at all.  
Kris nodded and I figured that at least someone knew I was leaving the group. I went in to the living room but recognised no one in there. The living room connected on to the kitchen. I wandered through and saw Maggie vomiting in to the sink. Great.
“Hi Maggie!” I said, I held my hands out for a hug without giving it a second thought. She accepted and held me tightly.
“I drank tequila!” She slurred in to my ear.
“Oh no!” I said, trying not to laugh as we parted from our hug. “Me and Tequila don’t get on either!” I said, trying to be helpful. She just frowned.
“Did you bring any one with you?” She asked looking around, “I brought my flatmates; Archie, Cameron and Kris! I brought the boys from work; Nick, Adam and Connor and somehow Zak – my ex – has managed to come along too!”
“Oh” she said, recoiling at the comment about the ex.
“He lives in London for a job and this is the first time I’ve seen him, in fact first time we’ve spoken since he left!” I continued.
“I need to brush my teeth.” Maggie informed me. She started to walk off but on the way passed grabbed my hand and pulled me along with her. She’s lucky she’s in her own house, with her own toothbrush. Maggie was like a battering ram going through the crowds. I tried to look for the boys but couldn’t see any of them.
Maggie raced up the stairs and part of me panicked she would be sick again. I walked up slowly behind her. Randoms who were hanging on the staircase letting me hold there hand to balance as I followed her to the bathroom at the top of the first set of stairs. It was a standard student house. The place was a good few floors high so I was glad that she had chosen the closest bathroom.
I followed her in and closed the door behind us as she had already yanked her shorts down and plonked herself on the toilet.
“We can be besties now.” She said. I instantly laughed. I was looking in the mirror trying not to watch her pee and decided to reapply my make-up! Tell me all about Jack then!”
“It’s Zak.” I said as I placed my lipstick back in to my bag.
“It’s a really long story.” I said.
“We’re best friends now. I’m peeing in front of you. Tell me!”
“Last summer I slept with his best friend.” I blurted out. Not exactly the best detail to lead with.
I turned to face her and she’d actually stopped and looked at me with her jaw open.
“I didn’t think you seemed like the cheating type.”
“I’m not.” I said. “I just used to be a horribly slutty drunk and I was so angry at him. He had accused me of cheating and I went out and proved his point.” I explained. I could feel myself starting to cry. “It is the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my entire life. I would do anything to be able to take it back.”
“So you broke up with this guy last summer?” Maggie asked. She had now sat down on the floor clearly realising now that she’d opened up this old wound we were going to be here for a while. I sat down beside her as I shook my head.
“He took me back. After the rape, after the GBH, after the miscarriage, he took me back!” I said. “because he is the sweetest, nicest guy on the planet.”
I watched Maggie’s face sink.
“Sorry. Drunk. Word Vomit.” I started rambling. “No filter!” I said waving my hand over my face. “He left 12 weeks ago. It’s been hard.”
“C’mere!” She said, putting her arm around my shoulders
“I just don’t know why he’s here.” I said. “He’s getting jealous about the guys from work. We instantly went back to normal like friend’s who hadn’t seen each other in months!” I ranted. “but is that all we are, friends? I love him to pieces” I said. “One day we’re going to get married and have babies!” I said, laughing at myself.
“I want to meet him.” She said. “I can give you my best friend opinion!”
“It’s just making me all confused. All muddled. For the past few months I’ve just been miserable without him.” I said.
“Oh Lorna- bear!” Maggie said, pushing my hair out of my face. “If things are meant to be they’ll work themselves out! If two people are meant to be together eventually they will find their way back!”
“That sounds like something off One Tree Hill!” I laughed, wiping my eyes with a bit of toilet paper. So glad I remember to bring make up and eyelash glue with me.
“Close. Gossip Girl.” She laughed.
“I’ve never actually watched it.” I said. “But that sounds like it makes sense!” I clambered up on to my feet and looked at myself in the mirror. My make-up and lashes were all surprisingly okay! My eyes were a little red but that was all.
“Come round and we can watch it together! It’s my favourite!” She said so enthusiastically.
“You’re drunk.” I said. “Doubt you’ll be too happy when I rock up at your door!”
“I’ll be ecstatic so see my new bestie!” she laughed really seriously. I took my premade bottle of vodka cranberry out of my clutch bag and started downing it.
“Think I need to lighten up before I go down the stairs, don’t you?” I said. “You never brushed your teeth! Minger!” I shouted.
She gasped in mock disgust and went straight to the sink while I continued to down my drink. People had now started to bang on the door asking if we were doing each other. Guess it’s time to go back out and face the party.

I lost Maggie quite soon after we got out the toilet. I just turned and suddenly she wasn’t there anymore. I’m not surprised. Not the best idea to start drunkenly going about everything with someone you don’t know randomly in the bathroom.
I’d made some new “friends” in the Kitchen when I started doing shots with a group of people in the kitchen. We were playing that game where you chuck the ping pong ball into cups and then down the drink and had been for quite some time when I eventually noticed that Nick was in the corner of the kitchen. I said bye to my new friends promising I’d see them again soon despite the face I didn’t even know any of their names and walked over to meet him.
“Did you miss me?!” I asked loudly. He gave me a look of utter disgust.
“This is my boss , Lorna!” He said quickly. The girl recoiled looking disgusted at him. “My boss at work!” he pointed out. Obviously thinking I was his girlfriend and he was just making catty remarks. “Lorna, this is Louisa!”
“Hi” I said loudly and accompanied it with a wave. She smiled at me although I could tell she wanted me to bugger off. I was being a major cock-block for poor Nick.
“Have you seen any of the others?” I asked him.
He shook his head. “Kris and Cameron left already. Archie, Connor and Adam are around with three girls with incredible tits.”
Louisa or whatever her name is gave him another look of disgust. No wonder, she’s quite flat chested and probably took it personally.
“Zak?” I asked, noticing instantly that he hadn’t been included in his explanation.
Nick raised his eyes and shrugged. “He’s looking for you, I think!”
“Thank you!” I said. “I’ll leave you in peace now!”
“Bye!” He said quickly before instantly getting off with that Louisa girl. I need to remember and text him to see how that went in the morning.
I spotted the rest of the guys when I left the kitchen. They were sat around the couch at the end of the livingroom closest to the front window and of course they were accompanied by the girls with “incredible tits”. Zak was sat there on the floor looking lonely as the other 3 boys chatted away. I couldn’t decide whether he hadn’t made a new female friend because he didn’t want one or because he couldn’t decide whether it was appropriate for him to whilst I was here. I walked over and plonked myself down beside him.
“Hello” I smiled.
“Where have you been?” he said. I could tell simply by his mannerisms that he was pretty drunk. He was very very stare-y.
“I went to see my friend Maggie and then I lost her and couldn’t find you guys so I had some shots in the kitchen with some randoms! Where have you been?”
“Here.” He said, making it clear he was bored.
“Lorna?!” A girl’s voice said and suddenly Maya appeared from behind Archie.
“You know Lorna?” Archie said. “And I thought she had no friends” He winked cheekily.
“Hi” I said, clambering up from the floor and giving her a hug. I felt Zak pull my dress back down as it had obviously ridden up when I’d been sat on the floor. “How do you know Archie?!”
“He’s my little brother!” I said enthusiastically. She gave me a confused look. “He’s my flatmate but I love him like a brother.” I said, going over the top with my explanation. There was no stopping me now that I’d had shots.
“Do you live with these two as well?” She asked, pointing at both Adam and Connor who were too into their new friends to even noticed I’d joined them.
“I work with them at the smoothie bar in the village.”
“mobs?!” She said, “I love Mobs!”
“yay!” I said enthusiastically.  She then started to go on and on about her favourite smoothies. Archie did not seem impressed that I’d taken his friend off him. Part of me worried that Archie would now work out where I knew Maya from.  I don’t remember telling him the names of my new friends from the support group but I didn’t want him knowing about Maya’s situation unless she felt comfortable to tell him herself. She didn’t seem phased by this or she was probably too drunk to have thought it through. I don’t think Archie would bring it up, I hope. Maya and I went on to have a good chat for at least an hour whilst Archie and Zak chatted. Arch had moved on to the floor to let me sit down on the couch beside Maya.
Maya was extremely chatty in comparison with how she was on Tuesday night. Obviously the liquid confidence had made her a lot happier chatting to me. Apparently Maggie vomited again after I lost her and has now locked herself in her bedroom. Bless her.
I turned round and noticed a clock that was hanging in the livingroom. It’s 10 past 4. So much for going to the loft. It’ll be closed. How have I managed to lose so many hours of my life?!
“I better get going!” I said. “I’ve got to open up Mobs at 10! By the looks of things these 2 will be late.” I said, gesturing at Adam and Connor who had been getting off with the girls with the incredible boobs the whole time I’d been sat here.
“I’ll come with you.” Zak said, instantly getting to his feet. He staggered a bit when he stood. I’d noticed that whilst I was talking to Maya he’d managed to drink another few bottles of this weird cheap beer brand. I stood up quickly from the couch feeling slightly sober now since it had been so long since I’d drank anything and held on to his hand.
“I’ll see you at home!” Archie said, blowing me a kiss. Zak responded by blowing him one back. It made me smile.
Zak and I continued to hold each other’s hand as we walked out of the livingroom and into the hallway. The house had definitely emptied in the time I had been chatting to Maya. I could happily now to star jumps – not that I would – without hitting anyone in the face. There was so much space!
“Look!” Zak said, pointing at the floor.
“Oh my god!!” I said in complete shock.  “Elliot, are you drunk?!” I laughed. He gave me thee biggest smile ever as he lay there in the foetal position on the carpet in the middle of the hall. I bent down to his level so I could speak to him properly. I wasn’t even aware Elliot was here?!  I couldn’t get over how different he looked without his glasses and his hat. I mean c’mon he even kept his hat on when we were having sex! I looked up at Zak who could not breathe with laughter.
“I don’t feel well.” Elliot said. I noticed he was started to concentrate on his breathing.
“Do you think you’re going to be sick?” I asked, trying to take control in this bizarre situation.  
His face turned from utter joy to sadness as he nodded.
“Right, Zak!” I said. I looked up at him again and he was staring off to a different area of the room. I stood up and put both my hands on his face and made him focus on me. His face turned in to a daft grin as he looked at me.
“I love you.” He said. I literally felt my heart swell.
“Now is not the time for any of this Zakky!” I laughed. I still had both of my hands on his face holding him closely to be in any hope he would focus on what I was saying. I realised as I was trying to focus on his face that I wasn’t as sober as I thought I was either. We both seemed to be slightly swaying. It was a weird sensation. “I need you to watch Elliot!” I said. “He doesn’t feel well. I’m going to go get him some water and then we can take him home!”
“Watch Elliot” He said as though recording my request in his head. I quickly kissed him on the forehead then let go of his face and turned towards the kitchen.
“You look gorgeous in that dress!”
“You’re adorable when you’re this wasted!” I laughed before walking through the house. I saw Maya and Archie who were now both together on the couch give me a strange questioning look as I walked past but I didn’t have time to stop. When I got to the kitchen I lifted a plastic cup from the massive pile in the kitchen. It weirdly made me think of that episode of Friend’s were Phoebe was in charge of cups. It was just such an elaborate display.
I switch the tap on and poured some water into the cup before drinking it myself.
Elliot is sick.
Elliot needs the water.
I filled the cup up again and this time stopped myself from drinking it. I held it with two hands as I knew in these shoes I was likely to fall over. When I was walking back out I noticed that Adam and the girl he was with had disappeared. Nick didn’t seem to be in the kitchen or the sitting room anymore. God knows where he had gone.
When I got back to the hallway Zak had joined Elliot on the floor still laughing that it was Elliot that was the drunken mess of the night. I commanded Elliot sit up before I gave him the water which he
drank so quickly.
“Right, I think the 3 of us need to go home!”

---

“Elliot, BED!” I said. We left Maggie’s house over an hour ago. It took so long to get home. We ended up walking the majority of the way before finding a taxi. When we called we were told there were none at the moment. Frankly I think they were fibbing cause it was half 4 in the morning. The majority of clubs in this area would be closed already.
“No!” He said.
“Elliot, you’re in a right state. What would you have done if we hadn’t appeared at that party?”
“Kept having fun!” He said facetiously. I was still in disbelief that this was Elliot! Elliot! I felt like a mum who had just discovered their quiet dorky kid wasn’t like that at all …
“You threw up in the taxi.” I said, still angry that a taxi journey that should’ve cost us £5 ended up costing us £60.
“I will pay you back in the morning!” Elliot said, stumbling clumsily towards his bedroom door.
“I paid for it!” Zak said, as he walked over and collapsed face first on to the couch.
“When you two-“ He paused, trying to formulate the proper words in his head. He laughed at himself for a bit before continuing, “end up in bed together don’t be too loud!” He said before you looking from his bedroom door to my bedroom which was one along and back again and back again. He did this three times over before adding in his finger as a directing tool. Zak sat up on the couch looked at me and laughed and I couldn’t help but laugh too.
“Elliot, bed, please.” I stated pointing towards his bedroom door. He sighed his whole posture become sad before entering his room and closing the door behind him.
“Do you want covers for the couch?” I asked. “The boys aren’t back ye-“
“I thought I’d sleep with you.” He said very forwardly.
I thought about this for a few seconds before replying; “You’re drunk.”
“So are you”
“That doesn’t mean that we should use it as an excuse to complicate things” I said, deciding it was best not to talk about it and instead just get him the covers for the couch. I walked along the corridor.
“Lorna!” He called after me. He said it again and I could tell by the sound of his voice he was getting closer. I reached up to the top of the wardrobe and pulled the spare duvet from the top. I could feel myself falling as I yanked it backwards. Stupid shoes! Zak caught me but in his drunken state ended up falling too meaning both of us landed on the bed. He was on top of me. All I did was laugh.
“You smell like vodka.” Zak said as though it was a compliment. He was literally inches away from my face and all I wanted to do was kiss him.
“You smell like jaegar!”  I replied maturely. We fell back into silence. I fought my way out from beneath him and just got in to bed without bothering to get changed. I pulled the covers up over the top of me, silently praying that if I ignored him he would take the covers and make his own way to the couch.
“I miss you.” He whispered, in to the quiet darkened room. I could tell that he truly meant it. My eyes welled instantly. I heard him pick up what I assume was the duvet before hearing him close the bedroom door behind him.

---

My piercing cry did not stop. My eyes were open. I could see my dresser, my wardrobe, my bedroom door but it would not calm me down. I still continued to scream. My shoulders were moving up and down along with my sobs. My chest felt tight. My breaths were long and deep as I tried to get my breath back. I stopped screaming and tried to slow down my breathing. My bedroom door opened and suddenly he was there beside me. His arms wrapped tightly around me as I shook in fear. The cold sweat dripping down forehead. I focussed on controlling myself.
I’m in halls.
I’m in bed.
I’m with Zak, safe.
Zak stroked my hair and kissed me on the cheek. I buried my head into him and continued to cry. I thought I had made it through the night without embarrassing myself. I’d done my best to retain the confident, sexy image I’d set for myself earlier in the night. I had set myself the target before we went out tonight of making it seem like I could cope fine without him, that I was doing fine since he left. I had my job, my new friends, I was fine. I was as cool as a cucumber.
“Thank you.” I said, after quite some time.
“How often do they happen?” Zak asked. I was embarrassed that he already seemed to know that this was not a rare occurrence.
“This is the first time is happened in months.” I said quickly.
“Please don’t start lying to me again.” Zak said. “I’ve heard that this happens most nights.”
My face dropped.
It was too good to be true. I thought he had just popped back for a casual visit. He was here because someone had told him to come.
“Who told you?” I asked.
“That doesn’t matter.” Zak said. I pushed myself away from him and moved closer to my bedroom wall. It was no longer sweet that he was the one consoling me. He was only here to watch as though I was an animal in the zoo – the crazy screaming ex-girlfriend. He wasn’t here because he wanted to be, he was here because he felt he had to be.
“Who told you?” I asked again. It was Archie. It must’ve been Archie. He’s the one who is close to both me and Zak. He’s the one who has to deal with it all the time. He’s the one who I trust with everything. I can’t believe he would-
“Gabs” He said.
“Oh.” I said. My breathing was still not back to normal. I sniffed away my tears and wiped my face.
“She thought me being here would help” He continued.
“you both thought you being here for a night would help? One night would fix the past 3 almost 4 months of no sleep?” I snapped. My mood had taken a turn for the worst.
Zak didn’t reply.
“I’m not blaming you. I’m sorry. That came out wrongly. I’m just angry that you’ve heard about it that’s all.”
“well I’m angry that I didn’t hear it from you.” He said, trying to keep his cool. “if you were struggling this much why didn’t you call me or text me.”
“Because I needed to get through this on my own.” I replied quickly. “We’re not a pair anymore. I needed to prove to myself that I was perfectly capable of dealing with things on my own.”
“But that’s what I’m here for.” Zak said. “I’m in London but I’m never far away. I got that space I so desperately wanted to realise that I didn’t want it. It took me a week to realise that was a mistake.” He said. “one week.”
“I didn’t want to be that cringey girlfriend who came crawling back all sad and pathetic.” I said. “Although what am I doing right now.” I laughed humourlessly.
“You’re never sad and pathetic to me.” He said, kissing me on the head again. “I’m hurt that you didn’t tell me yourself. That’s why I came up when Gaby told me because I knew you couldn’t avoid speaking to me then.”
I moved back over and placed my head on his shoulder. He put his arm around me and we lay down properly in the bed.
I lay my head on to his chest. I could hear his heart beating through his top. I could feel myself start to relax and finally drift off to a nightmareless sleep.

Gaby's POV

The sun was streaming in through the open window in my front room. I love spring. It always seems to be the nicest weather. Compared to the horrible, freezing weather we had over winter, this mini burst of sunshine is much appreciated. I was sat on the floor with Alicia, the news was on the telly in the background.
“Try again then.” I said to Alicia, lifting her up from under the arms and trying to force her to stand. Every time I put her feet to the floor she’d let her knees buckle so she’d collapse to the ground on purpose. Since she’d learnt to crawl she rarely tried to stand up anymore, unless I was standing her against the table or the sofa so she could scale them.
“Oi, Alicia, stand up.” I said, still trying with her. After a few attempts she let out a squeaky moan of disapproval, so I let her sit and she crawled to the other side of the room to grab her toys before I had a chance to pull her back and subject her to that torture again. “Fine. But this isn’t over.” I joked, leaning back against the sofa. She crawled back over to me, a teddy in her hand.
“Da da da da.” She placed the teddy in my lap and smiled at me, her three front teeth clearly visible. I smiled back and leaned forwards giving her a big kiss.
“Is this for me?” I asked, picking up the teddy and giving it a big cuddle. She did as I expected her to and pulled the teddy off of me, throwing it out of the way. I think she gets jealous. She’s so adorable. “Oh okay then. Shall I just cuddle you instead?” I asked, pulling her quickly into my arms and cuddling her tight, smothering her in kisses. She started to giggle and the sound was the most beautiful thing in the world. I put her back down and she turned herself around to face me, and then unbelievably she grabbed hold of my arm and slowly pulled herself into a standing position. I gasped in excitement, but the sound seemed to shock her and her legs gave way and she fell to the floor.
“Alicia you just pulled yourself up! My clever little girl!” I pulled her into a hug again and gave her yet another big kiss. I knew she could stand up on her own, but I’d never seen her pull herself up before. Someone always had to place her into the standing position.
“I’m going to have to text your daddy immediately. Can you do it again? It would be better if I caught it on film.” I was more talking to myself.
I pulled her to the sofa and sat her in front of it, patting the cushion and trying to encourage her to pull herself up on that like she’d pulled herself up on my arm. After a few failed attempts I managed to catch it on film and sent it to Kris. I knew he’d be just as thrilled as I was. He hadn’t told me she’d done it before, so I was pretty sure this was the first time. Unless she did it for Lorna or Archie and they hadn’t told either of us, but I thought that was very unlikely. Only a few minutes after I’d sent the video the front door behind me opened loudly causing both me and Alicia to jump. I turned to see who it was and saw Kris rushing into the room, a look of excitement on his face.
“Make her do it again!” He said, before he greeted either of us. I laughed, passing her over to him. Karl was stood in the doorway, a smile on his face as he watched Kris with Alicia. It was weird how in love both of them were with each other, yet I’m pretty sure I’m still the only person to know about them. I still found it slightly strange that Kris, the Kris I will forever love despite our differences, is now in a happy relationship… with a man.
“Were you at Karl’s then?” I asked Kris, knowing the answer because there wasn’t really any other explanation for how quickly he got here.
“Yeah.” He said, putting Alicia down by the sofa like I had. But Alicia didn’t want to show Daddy how she pulled herself up. She crawled back over to him and stuck her little hands in the air, clearly wanting a cuddle. It made my heart melt. Why was she being so adorable today?
“What you two doing today?” I asked as Kris scooped Alicia into his arms again. I turned to look at Karl who was still stood slightly awkwardly in the doorway.
“Just hanging out. Not sure really.” Kris answered, looking at Karl behind me. “Right my Alicia Rae of sunshine, this is your last chance to pull yourself up for Daddy before he has to go.” He said, once again placing her in the same position he had earlier. She turned to look at him and for a moment I thought she was going to crawl back into his arms, but then she placed her little hands on the sofa cushion and pulled herself up just like she had earlier, and smiled at Kris in a very smug way. Kris gasped just like I had when she first did it and gave her a big kiss on the cheek.
“I’m so proud of you!” He said excitedly and he turned to smile at me too. “I can’t believe she’s learnt to do this. When did she get so big?”
I just shook my head, still completely in awe. How did my little baby grow up so fast? I know she’s only 9 months old, but I feel like she already depends on me a lot less than she did just a few weeks ago.
“Right monkey, I’m going to go. Love you lots. I’m so proud of you but you need to stop growing up now. Deal?” Kris said, smiling at Alicia. She just reached her hand out and tried to grab his nose. Kris laughed playfully, kissed her and put her back on the floor so she could play with her toys. I stood up with him and walked towards the door.
“What are you doing today?” Kris asked me. I just shrugged.
“No plans. Having a mummy and daughter day.” I said smiling. “I’ll probably try and get my essay written when Alicia has her naps. I’m getting unbelievably behind on my uni work.”
“Me too.” Kris said looking like the thought of uni was causing him physical pain. “You’re okay though, right?” Kris asked me, and he gave me the same look he’s been giving me for months. I felt awkward with Karl standing right beside both of us.
“Of course I am.” I said, putting on a smile. He didn’t look convinced, but he never does these days. “I hope you two have a good day.”
“Thanks. Text me later if you want me to come round and help with Alicia whilst you do work or anything. I’m always here for you both, okay?” Kris said, giving me a hug. I wish I understood why he was suddenly being so serious with me but I didn’t.
“Thanks Kris, I know. Love you, see you later.”
“Bye.” He smiled at me. “Bye baby girl!” He called over to Alicia who was paying no attention, and then he closed the door behind himself and Karl, leaving me and Alicia alone again.

-

It had just gone 2 o clock. Alicia had been asleep for 45 minutes and I’d written a whole 500 words of my essay and I was already stuck. I hate essays. I sat at my table, tapping my pen impatiently on the hard wood, not really sure what to write next. I’d read and re-read the same sentence from a Charles Dickens book a million times and still didn’t understand what it meant or how I could analyse it. I had just turned to my laptop, hoping google would help, when there was a loud knock at my door. Thankful for the excuse not to do my essay, I jumped up and went to see who was there.
“Zak!” I said excitedly as I pulled the door back to reveal him standing behind it. He smiled and gave me a hug before walking into my flat. “I thought you’d have gone by now.”
“Not without saying bye to you!” He said a shocked look on his face. I just shrugged.
“I assumed Lorna was more important.”
“Well…” He said slowly, clearly not wanting to disagree. “You guys are important too.” He said smirking. “You okay? Your voice still sounds really rough.”
I touched my throat self-consciously. I had had a raspy voice for almost three months now, so everyone here had got used to it. Obviously Zak hadn’t been here so it was still new to him.
“I’m fine.” I said and Zak seemed to think I was telling the truth and moved on.
“Where’s Alicia anyway?”
“Sleeping. She’ll be awake soon though don’t worry. How long have you got?”
“I need to be gone in the next half hour really.” He said with a sad look on his face.
“Okay, I’ll wake her up in 10 minutes if that’s okay?” I said looking at the clock and he nodded. “Have you said bye to Lorna then?”
He nodded again, but this time he looked sad.
“How was that?” I asked. Yesterday when I saw him at halls he seemed very paranoid about every decision Lorna was making. I honestly expected him to announce that he was moving back here just to keep an eye on her, but Archie had text me this morning and mentioned Zak was leaving so I knew he wasn’t sticking around.
“Hard.” Zak admitted, and he sounded like he was close to tears. “I’m sorry, she kept asking who’d told me about her, and Archie said you’d agreed I should say you.”
I sighed. Yesterday when I went round Lorna seemed too nice and keen not to start an argument. I assumed she hadn’t found out I was supposedly the one that told Zak to come home. Everything was going to change again now.
“It’s fine. It makes sense. Lorna needs to be friends with Archie more than ever right now, this would have killed her.” I said, but I didn’t sound enthusiastic about it.
“Actually I don’t think it would have. She didn’t seem that angry that you’d said anything, just angry I found out.” Zak said, walking away from the doorway where we were still stood and moving to sit on the sofa. I followed him and sat down.
“She probably expects something like that from me. She wouldn’t expect that from Archie. She’d have been angry if she knew it was Archie.” I explained, knowing it was the truth. Lorna and Archie are extremely close. If she found out Archie had done this she would not be happy, and the last thing Lorna needs is to have less friends - especially after everything she’s gone through. It’s bad enough that Zak left, and me and her aren’t speaking anymore. I assume she’s not very close to Natalie now, although I’m not certain about that. All she has right now is Archie, Kris and the few people from work. It wouldn’t be fair for her to lose another friend when I can prevent that from happening.
God knows why I’m trying to help her out so much when I hate her.
“I guess.” He said slowly. “I hope she doesn’t start hating on you again though.”
“I’m not bothered about her hating on me, I’m bothered about Kris.” I muttered annoyed.
“You can tell Kris it was Archie, can’t you?” Zak said confused. I shook my head quickly.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea to make Archie hated.”
“I don’t understand why Archie would be hated though. I had the right to find out about this.” Zak said defensively. It was right. The more I’d been thinking about it, the more I realised I should have told Zak about this weeks ago. Zak loves and cares about Lorna more than anyone here, yet he had no idea about the pain and suffering she was going through. He definitely had the right to know. But it wasn’t really up to me or Archie to make that decision.
“It’s still pretty personal stuff. I mean, I hated it when people were told about my… issues. I know Lorna wouldn’t be happy people know about this. If she found out Archie told you, she’d feel betrayed. Everyone knows that. That’s why no one can find out Archie told you. Everyone would say he’d betrayed her.”
“Yeah I get that. But now they’re going to think you’ve betrayed her.” Zak said, a concerned look on his face. I just shrugged.
“Nothing different there then, really, is there?” I said seriously. “I haven’t been friends with Lorna for months. People expect this from me.”
“I don’t. I bet Kris doesn’t either.” Zak said frowning. I still just shrugged.
“It’s fine. This way Archie can still be loved by everyone and I can still carry on being enemies with Lorna.”
“Why are you trying to protect Archie so much?”
I paused, not really expecting that question from Zak.
“What do you mean? He’s one of my best friends.” I answered with the truth.
“I don’t know. You two seem to have got a lot closer since I left. You aren’t still sleeping together are you?” Zak asked, half amused and half disgusted.
I burst out laughing.
“God no!” I continued to laugh for a few seconds until I could control myself. “I just love him like I love you. I’d do anything to protect you both, you know that.” I said seriously, but I still continued to smile.
“Okay.” Zak smiled back. “And I love you too by the way.” He stuck his tongue out in an awkward way and I laughed again. “So how have you been anyway? I know I came for Lorna but I’m still here for you too Gabs. How are things?” He suddenly went very serious. I knew he was referring to all the shit I’d been going through at New Year.
“I’m fine.” I said rolling my eyes.
“You sure?” He raised his eyebrows with a look of uncertainty.
“Yes! Why? Don’t I look fine?” I asked, and as soon as I did I realised I didn’t want to hear the answer. He pulled a face and then just shrugged.
“I guess you seem happy.”
Those weren’t the words I wanted to hear. I feel happy in this moment, because today has been a beautiful day with my gorgeous little girl, and I’m getting to spend some rare time with one of my best friends in the world. But I don’t feel happy about life. I’ve never felt this dark before, and I desperately wanted to tell Zak exactly how I felt but I couldn’t find the words. I felt my face drop and saw Zak look at me with some concern, but then I smiled and said, “You’re right. I am happy.” He seemed to buy it. It’s amazing what you can hide just by putting on a smile.
“Right. I’ll go wake the munchkin so you can say your goodbyes. Promise you’ll come back more regularly from now on? We can’t go this many weeks without uncle Zakky again!” I said, standing up and walking through to Alicia’s room. Zak just smiled at me as I left, but I swear I saw a hint of worry behind his eyes. I thought I was doing well hiding my problems these days, especially now that Lorna was claiming all the attention. But there was something about the way Zak was behaving that made me feel like I was failing.

-

I was lying on my sofa, fighting to keep my eyes open as my phone buzzed against my chest. I assumed it was Arrow, again, calling me. Checking up on me. Pressuring me. I glanced at the time. It was only just gone 5 and Alicia was playing on the floor before I made her some tea. I was starting to feel anxious and depressed, and the need to go out with Arrow was becoming more and more desperate. My phone starting buzzing on my chest again. Without even looking at who was calling I answered and put it to my ear
“Hey, you can’t come round now it’s too early.” I said before he even had a chance to speak.
“I wasn’t planning on driving all the way to Chester actually.”
I sat up suddenly, pulling my phone away from my ear to see that it wasn’t Arrow who had called me… but my Mum.
“Mum! Sorry, I thought it was someone else.” I said laughing. I quickly scrolled through my phone to see if it had been her calling me all afternoon, but luckily I was right in thinking it was mostly Arrow. Otherwise she’d be firing me with a million questions about why I hadn’t answered.
“I thought so! You okay? You still don’t sound very well.” She said, and I could hear the worry in her tone of voice. My Mum had been phoning me weekly recently. She found out about my split from Rhys and ever since seemed to be constantly checking up on me, like she was expecting something bad to happen. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried. She’s my mother, she knows me better than anyone in the world. She knows me more than anyone here. She knows all of my tricks. If she saw me in person, I’m sure I’d be in hospital by the end of the visit. Thoughts like that should’ve knocked some sense into me that I was sick; that there was something wrong with me and I needed help… But I just carried on the conversation with her like normal.
“I’m fine. I’ve been to the doctors and they say I’ve got a bad case of laryngitis but it should be fine soon.” I lied smoothly. At least I think I did. She didn’t go on to question it further anyway.
“Well I hope you’re better soon, you’ve been like this for weeks now! Anyway, how’s Alicia? When do I get to see you both again?”
“Umm..” I hesitated. I missed my Mum. I missed home and Naomi and everyone else. I really did. But that didn’t mean I wanted to go home. In fact, the last thing I wanted right now was to see anybody from back home, because I knew what they would think. So I answered, “Soon, I hope! I might be back for my birthday.”
“That’s almost two months away! Can I come and see you both before then? It’s not far to drive after all.”
“Yeah, you can come whenever. You’re always welcome!” I tried to sound enthusiastic about it but it was hard. I didn’t want her to visit, and the longer this conversation went on the more desperate I was to talk to Arrow.
“Good. So tell me all about Alicia. What’s she doing now?”
“Right now she’s watching Peppa Pig and playing with her toys.” I said laughing. My voice squeaked under the strain.
“That’s not what I meant!”
I laughed again.
“Okay, well actually! She did pull herself up properly for the first time today. So I’m expecting her to walk really soon.”
“That’s exciting! Send a video!” Mum said loudly, sounding happy about it. I smiled.
“I will, I’ll send it in a minute.”
“So how are you? How’s your course going?” Mum asked, and the conversation continued like this for about 20 minutes. It was a while before I managed to find an excuse to say goodbye and hang up. I’d made Alicia’s food whilst I was on the phone and fed her quickly once I’d hung up. It wasn’t late, but it was late enough for me to think about giving her a bath and putting her straight to bed. Before I did that I pulled my phone out and text Arrow, my body not allowing me to resist anymore.

-

“I should’ve got Kris to have Alicia.” I mumbled as Arrow pulled my arm across his chest. We were sprawled across my bed, fully clothed and on the point of coming down from a high. It wasn’t late, only about half 10, and I was starting to fear Alicia waking up. So far she hadn’t made a sound, just like usual. It’s very rare for Alicia to wake up in the night, unless she’s poorly.
“Don’t worry about it, you’re coming down now anyway.” Arrow traced the back of my hand with his fingertips. I flinched at his touch but didn’t pull my hand away.
“I guess.” I mumbled back.
“Have you been back to work again yet?”
“Yes. Look, Arrow, it isn’t going to work. I can’t get you that money, you’re going to have to find another way.” As I was speaking his hand froze above mine.
“You said you’d at least try.”
“Right. And I am. But it’s causing me too much pain, and I don’t think it will ever work anyway. I can’t get involved with Rhys again. It’s just sending me to the drugs.”
“Baby, that’s not what’s sending you to the drugs.” Arrow gave a low laugh and placed his fingers back to my hand, tickling my skin. I frowned.
“I could give up whenever I wanted.”
“That’s what I used to say.” He muttered back, and it was one of those rare moments where I heard the faint sound of a real human in Arrow’s voice. I looked up at him, prepared to see him looking vulnerable but he’d already moved past it.
“Well I know I can.” I said determinedly. Narrowing my eyes and laying back against his chest. Sometimes I hoped to capture the truth behind who Arrow really is, but the more I got to know him the less I understood.
“So why are we here?” He asked seriously. I stayed silent. I couldn’t give an answer. Why was I constantly finding a way to take my mind away from reality? Why was I always feeling so extremely low that I either had to distract myself by cutting or by taking hard drugs?
“We had a deal remember? No deep questions.” I reminded him and I felt him laugh. “Right, I’m down. This isn’t cool. Weed doesn’t do anything for me anymore.” I rolled away from him and pulled open the draw to my bedside table, taking out the purse I’d hidden my cocaine in. I took out a small pinch and snorted it quickly, not even considering the fact I had a child to look after in the next room.
“You said you weren’t doing that tonight.” Arrow watched me carefully, his eyes slightly narrowed as they zeroed in on the plastic pouch I was holding.
“Too late now. Want any?” I offered, something which I usually never did. It’s so damn expensive we usually just stuck to our own supply. Arrow glanced towards the door of Alicia’s bedroom.
“Look, I think you just made a mistake.” He said slowly. I frowned at him. This was not the first time we’d taken coke whilst I had Alicia, why was he suddenly judging me so much now.
“Fine.” I said, putting the pouch back into my purse. If he didn’t want any it was his loss. “Well if you aren’t joining me, there’s no point in you sticking around.”
He shook his head, pulling a face of disgust.
“That’s so dark, you can’t be high and alone.” He mumbled, giving me a concerned look. It wasn’t an expression I recognised clearly on his face. He was usually so nonchalant.
“Well you aren’t wanting any!”
“No, but you never used to want to get high alone, remember?” He said, his eyebrows low. I just stared at him. I wasn’t planning on getting high alone, he’s the one refusing!
“I’m staying.” He said, and I saw his eyes glance towards Alicia’s room again. I narrowed my eyes.
“Stop acting like you actually have a fucking heart.” I mumbled, standing up and walking into the bathroom. I shut the door loudly and locked it, sliding to the floor and sitting against the wall, feeling the cool tiles against the skin of my legs. It wasn’t long before I was taken on a journey away from reality and I felt free again.

Morning came quicker than I expected it to. I was lying in my own bed, the duvet soft against my chest. I don’t remember getting undressed but I was well aware of the fact that I was only wearing my underwear. My head pounded. My throat and nose both burned. I groaned as I rolled over, my hand reaching out to find another human. I expected Arrow to be in the bed with me, but all I could find was more bed sheets.
I lifted my head up quickly.
My room was empty. I was alone. I sat up and listened for any sounds and heard the noise of the tv in the other room. Without thinking I jumped out of my bed and rushed out of my room, grabbing my dressing gown on my way to cover myself.
“Morning.” Arrow said before I could even find him. I followed the sound of his voice and noticed him sitting at my table. He was reading through some of my essay notes which I’d left out.
“What are you doing?” I asked, frowning. He just shrugged and stood up, walking over to me.
“I fed her.” He nodded towards the floor and that was when I saw Alicia, initially hidden from my view because of the sofa. The feeling that washed over me was something I’d never experienced before. Guilt. Worry. Fear.
“You fed her? What exactly?” I asked, swooping down on her and holding her close to my chest, checking for any signs of poison. She seemed perfectly content, and smiled at me when I pulled her back. I looked at the clock on the wall. It was almost 11.
“Weetabix.” Arrow said, narrowing his eyes. “I’m not an idiot, you know. I wasn’t going to feed her some left over cigarette ends.”
“Right.” I said back, not really listening. I was still too concerned with the fact I’d left her in his care. How could I have been so stupid? What the fuck got over me last night that I decided to put my own daughter’s life at risk just to satisfy my own needs?
“I have a little brother, I know how to deal with babies.” Arrow was still speaking. After a moment I registered what he said and looked at him in surprise. There was something different about him. He never spoke to me about his life. He never spoke to me in a reassuring tone of voice. He never looked so alert, and fresh, and normal. I mean, excusing the tattoos of course.
“You’ve never spoken to me about your family before.” I said to him, putting Alicia down on the floor. He nodded.
“I know.”
“How old’s your brother?” I asked, looking at him with curiosity. I was waiting for him to smirk in his usual mysterious way and change the topic, but he didn’t.
“Four. He should be four.” He answered, and his eyes shifted to the floor. I frowned in confusion.
“What do you mean… should be?”
“He died.” He answered roughly, still not looking at me. I felt my mouth open in shock, staring at the person I thought I’d grown to know, realising that he was still such a stranger to me. I didn’t know anything about him. I didn’t know his last name, or what he did before drugs took over his life. I didn’t know about his family. All I knew was that he was my release. He was the person I went to when I needed some form of an escape. I forgot he was a real person, another human.
“Why are you telling me this?” I asked, and I noticed a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
“I guess you’ve never really seen me sober before.” He said, shrugging, and I realised it was probably true. “Anyway, I’m going.” He announced it so quickly that I didn’t register what he had said until he was already shrugging his jacket on.
“You’re going? Why did you bother sticking around?” I asked confused. I thought he was here because he wanted something, but I’d hardly offered him anything.
“Because I know how much you love her. I don’t want you killing yourself out of guilt if something happened to her.” He rolled his eyes, zipping his coat up. I stared at him in surprise.
“By the way, you might want to mention something about the pathetic fallacy in chapter 3.” He nodded towards my notes on the table. “It’s pretty significant and you haven’t said anything about it.” He smirked at me and then left out of the door. I stared after him, more confused than I’d ever felt in my life. Was that Arrow? Was that the person I had been meeting up with for the last 3 months? Because that personality change seemed too extreme. Yes, he was more sober now than I’d ever known him to be… But I’d been with him when we’d both come down from a high before and he’d never been that… nice. Or open. Or human.
I stared at the back of the closed door, still completely bewildered by what had just happened. One thing was for sure though, I liked him a lot more now than I did 10 minutes ago.

Lorna's POV

“Right petal. I better leave you to deal with your admirer over there”
“What are you on about, Bill?” I laughed, putting the coins he had given me in to the shared tip jar. I was managing extremely well this morning since I only managed 4 hours sleep before I had to get up for my shift. I’d gotten out of practice of trying to sneak past Zak in the morning …
“Well that young fella over there has been stood patiently waiting since I came back up to the till. Look at him, he’s smitten!” He looked over to where Bill was pointing, Zak was stood at the end of the bar leaning against the wall patiently waiting on me being free, to say goodbye. He saw Bill and I looking at him and raised a hand and waved, both Bill and I waved back.
“Bill, that’s Zak!” I said enthusiastically.
Yes, I had vented all of my relationship problems to one of my favourite customers. It’s usually the other way around.
“That’s him?! When did he come back? And you let me blether on about my heating all morning!”
“I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow.” I said, keen to get this dreaded goodbye over with. This morning had just been awkward but then again he was barely awake.
“Same time sweetpea?
“As always!” I smiled. I walked slowly over towards Zak. This will be the last time I see him for god knows how long. I gave him a shy smile and instantly that adorable dorky little grin appeared on his face and my stomach sank.
“Who’s the old timer?” Zak asked with a slight laugh.
“That’s my new man” I laughed. Zak raised his eyes heavenward. “What? He’s loaded.” I said smugly. Zak just shook his head. “It’s Bill.” I said, seriously. “Mobs most loyal customer. His wife died in February. He comes down most mornings and chats to me and the lads.” I said. “He’s not coping well really. His kid’s all went to Australia so he’s on his own.”
“Oh” Zak said, sad for poor old Bill.
“Tom likes to keep him company as you can probably imagine but he only sees him at weekends. We take him for fish and chips on Sundays usually but Tom’s in London with OB this weekend so we’re giving it a miss.” I said, over doing it with information that Zak most probably wasn’t bothered about.
He smiled and shook his head.
“What?” I asked defensively.
“You! Spending your Sundays with a pensioner and a 10 year old”
“I wouldn’t spend them any other way!” I smiled. “Alicia’s came a few times as well. Bill loves it. ”
“You sure he doesn’t fancy you?”
“Don’t be gross! ” I said. “Though he has said a few times, that if he was 50 years younger…”
Zak and I both laughed.
“Maybe, just maybe we’ll let you crash one of our chippy Sundays if you ever grace us with your presence again!” I teased, secretly hoping for information on when he’d be back.
“I’d love too.” He said. “2 weeks today?”
“What?!” I said, my eyes going wide with surprise. “Don’t visit for 13 weeks and then boom, 2 visits in such quick succession!”
“Archie’s birthday isn’t it?!”
I cursed. “I am so glad you said that. I am a terrible person. I’d completely forgotten. I hate shopping for boys as well. What on earth am I going to get him?!”
“I’m back for longer next time; Zoe’s birthday is in the same week.” My stomach sank at the mention of Zo. “We’ve just been talking about it, he really doesn’t want to go home.”
“I understand that.” I said. “Have you told him you’re coming back for it then?” I asked. “His birthday must fall around easter this year?”
“Yeah, I’m going to take a week off around about the bank holiday.” He said. “I’ll stick a request in when I get back.”
It took an incredible amount of self-control to stop my face showing how happy I was inside. “What are you going to get him for his birthday?” I asked.
“I’ll let you know” he said. “We could always put money together and get him something together like we did for Gaby’s Christmas?”
“Sounds good to me” I smiled. “What date is Archie’s birthday again?”
“The 19th”
“That’s when that Zac Efron film comes out!”
“Can’t remember when your best friend’s birthday is but that you remember”
“It’s my second favourite Zac!” I laughed. He smiled back at me in return. “Zack Braff from Scrubs being number 1!”
Zak responded with a look of disgust.
“I can’t believe you’ll be back in 2 weeks!” The smile on my face was faultless.
“yeah, 2 weeks…” He sighed as though he had said 2 years.
“That’s nothing!” I beamed.
“yeah! It’s nothing when you get to hang out with Alicia a few afternoons a week, can to the cinema every Wednesday with Arch & the guys. Be in the place with you love with the people you love!” he sighed.
“You chose to go!” I said, ensuring I didn’t say it angrily.
“Well I shouldn’t make important decisions when I’m pissed off, okay?!” He retorted clearly exasperated with my blasé attitude. Part of me was thankful he clearly considers leaving to be a mistake.
I didn’t respond. I just started rearranging the stock, seeing what fruits we were short off. He stood there watching me.
“Lorna?” He said, as though he required a response.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” I shrugged. “It’s going to look bad to future employers if you give up 3 months in to a placement year. Even if you don’t enjoy it, it’s a means to other employment when you’re done. You need to see this year through. After that you can come back to Hollyoaks if you wish but just remember, by then Kris and Elliot will have graduated. Gabs, Arch and Natalie will be in final year. Cameron will be back in Chicago!” I said. “And Rhys will have graduated as well, not that anyone really cares what he’s up to right now. People will be moving on; growing up, getting jobs and doing what you’re doing now.”
“That’s not what I want.” Zak sighed.
“Tough Zakky. That’s life.” I said, turning to look at him. “You can’t be a student forever.” His face had fallen. It was now when I looked at him I realised how unhappy he was. Yesterday when I found him in the sitting room at halls he was happy. He was back in the place he loved, with some of his favourite people. In his eyes he was home and now when it was time to leave his true feelings were coming out.
“Lorna, right now I can’t see where life is going. I don’t know what’s coming at the end of this year. I don’t have a life down there. I don’t have friends outside of work that I can go to for a piss up or to go to the cinema with. Everyone at my work is much older than me. They’ve got wives and kids. Yeah, they’ll come to the pub for one drink after work and then it’s straight back to their family and I just go home to nothing.”
“Whe-“ I began, about to question Isaac’s brothers whereabouts but he didn’t let me to continue.
“I’m down there on my own knowing that my family, the people I want to hang out with and see at the end of a horrible day are up here, together, without me. I made a stupid choice when I was really pissed at you and now I’m stuck! Yeah Archie calls sometimes, Gabs sends me a text sometimes but then there’s you. The one person I would kill to speak to. The one I want next to me. The one I want to talk to at the end of a shitty day and you don’t care.”
“I don’t care?!” I retorted. “You were the one who left?! You told me that you’d had enough of me, that you needed a break! That you couldn’t put up with me anymore! You didn’t want me there beside you, you didn’t want me texting you at work. I do care! I’ve came home from shitty days here, shitty days at uni and wanted to see you sitting there on the couch, standing in the kitchen making a cup of tea. Sometimes the shitty atmosphere in halls had me walking in the direction of your flat only for me to have to remind myself you weren’t there anymore. Any time I started to text you, all I could hear in my head was you shouting at me that you didn’t care and it made me feel so small and so stupid for worrying about how you were getting on down there.” I paused for a breath. “Don’t flatter yourself by thinking Archie’s the one begging you to go on skype. You don’t think I ask about you the second he’s hung up, don’t you think I hover around in the corridor eavesdropping about what you’ve got to say. How dare you say I don’t care!” I spat at him. My eyes had welled up to the brim. Mobs was pretty full and I could see every customer turned round staring at me but it didn’t stop me. “This has been killing me! You left 13 weeks ago! That’s 13 football games I didn’t get to hear about, that’s 13 weeks at work gone past for b-“
“Lorna!” Adam said harshly. I jumped, alarmed at a different voice. I wasn’t even aware he’d arrived. “Guys you are creating a scene.” He said, opening the door in to the store room. “Go in there and sort it out!” He said. I could tell he was angry at me but I didn’t care. I marched in to the store room and turned, ready to shout at Zak again only to find out he was inches away from me.
I blinked and the next thing I knew his hands were in my hair, his lips wrapped around mine. I didn’t even give it a second thought before kissing him back. You can’t fake this level of intensity. I knew then that he missed me as much as I missed him. He kissed me with such aggression I knew, like me, he didn’t want to stop. Hands were going places hands shouldn’t go when you’re in the store room at mobs but I really really did not care…

---

I stood up from the store room floor and put my top back on. Zak and I had lay there holding each other in silence for at least 20 minutes after we had finished.
“Where are you going?” Zak asked, sounding as though he had dozed off whilst we were lying with each other against a crate of pineapples.
“Funnily enough Zak, even though it’s been used as practically a little sex den for the past half hour this is still the store room of the smoothie bar, where I’m supposed to be working, hardly the place to snuggle!” I laughed, pulling my leggings back on. I was pissed at myself for letting this happen. I was proud of myself for not doing this last night.
I let out a humourless laugh as I looked at the amount of apples that scattered the floor. Zak had pushed me up against the unsteady tower of crates and the top one – which clearly had apples in – had taken a tumble. “I’m not sure this is what Adam sent us in here to do.”
“No. Me either.” Zak said, looking at the mess. He stood up and pulled his jeans – which he hadn’t even fully taken off – back on and walked over to help with the apple mess.
“Zak, don’t throw them! They’ll get bruised.” I said harshly.
“Right, no need to snap.” He said. “Who put them in this dodgy tower anyway?”
“One of the guys.” I sighed, placing more apples back in to the crate. “When do you need to be back in Liverpool?” I asked.
“half 3” He said, looking at his watch. The realisation that he had to leave pretty soon made his whole posture change. “I’m going out for a meal with mum, dad and haylz”
“That’s lovely” I said, standing up and lifting the crate of apples over to the side. No one needs to know what happened with them.
“Let me do it” Zak said, trying to take the crate off of me.
“Stop.” I snapped, snubbing his attempt to be a gentleman. “this is my job, I do it all the time.”
Zak made a noise and found his shirt hanging on the mop which sat near the door. He was buttoning it back up when he noticed that I was watching him. He was definitely more toned that when he had left in January …
“What?” He asked, a smirk on his face. He knew I’d been admiring his abs …
I took a breath mentally preparing for the fight I was no doubt about to cause, “I was just wondering if this is what we’re going to do from now on.” I said, turning away from him. I picked up a galaxy wrapper which one of the boys had left from the break and stuck it in the bin.
“What?” Zak asked reluctantly.
“Fuck each time you visit and then that’s it.” I said bluntly.
He shook his head. “Lorna, I told you I don’t want to be down there. It’s you that’s telling me to stay there.”
“Don’t turn this round on me.” I said. “I’m looking out for you!”
“I know. It sucks.” He sighed. He walked over to me and opened his arms and I, stupidly, walked in to them. “I’m sorry.” He said. He sounded sad.
“I’m sorry.” I said before giving a slight laugh at how ridiculous this whole situation was. “We just wasted practically 13 weeks of life not speaking to each other.”
“Yeah” He said, holding me tighter. “Promise you’ll text from now on? I want to hear any crap that goes on.” He let me go and I stood back slightly so I could see his face.
I nodded. “Promise you’ll text back?” I laughed.
He nodded sadly. “Friends?” he smirked, sticking a fist out in front of me.
“The best of” I smiled as I returned the first bump.
“I want snapchats of Alicia as well!” He smirked. “God knows what she’ll be doing in 2weeks time”
“That scares me.” I laughed. “Do I look okay?” I asked, trying to flatten my hair with my hands. I didn’t want to imagine the state it would be in after what Zak and I had just gotten up to against a crate of pineapples. I’m guessing my hair probably looked like the top of one.
“You look lovely” He said. “Fluorescent green is my favourite colour on you.” He winked. I gave him a dirty look. “Does this mean it’s time to leave the “sex den”?”
I nodded. “I don’t think we should tell anyone about that.” I said, knowing fine well he would tell Archie.
“Yeah” Zak said, seeming unsure. I think in that moment, like me, he was unsure of what it meant. We stood there, less than a metre apart just looking at each other in silence. I had waited weeks for this moment. To have Zak back in front of me and now he was about to leave me again.
“If you can’t sleep please ring me.” He said. “The thought that you’ve been struggling for weeks and no one told me makes me so angry Lorna. I’ll sleep with my phone on loud.”
“Thank you.” I said almost silently. He grabbed me in close for a hug that seemed to last a life time. “2 weeks is nothing in comparison to 13!” I joked. “and if I’m allowed to text you this time you’ll be sick of me “
“You never have and never will be “not allowed” to text me.” He said sternly.
I gave a slightly apologetic smile whilst trying not to let the confusion show on my face. I moved backwards from the hug and Zak’s lips had found mine within seconds. It was a lost less urgent than before.
“See you soon” I smiled as he turned and walked towards the exit of the store room.
“Text you later!” He said, forcing a smile even though I could tell it was hurting him as much as it was hurting me to see him go. The door closed behind him and I sighed.
What on earth just happened?!

----

“Lorna bear!” Maggie said, appearing behind me in the library. Adam had told me to go shortly after Zak had left, even though I had just abandoned him for almost an hour. I guess since I hadn’t said a thing about him being 2 hours late he decided it was wise not to complain.
“How are you?!” I said. Maggie had been sent to bed the previous night after being sick in front of many of her party guests.
“I’m feeling surprisingly fresh so I decided to come and get some work done!” She said, dumping her heavy bags down in front of the computer next to mine. “And also to avoid tidying the house, obviously.”
“I’m impressed!” I nodded. Maggie sat in the chair next to mine and swung round. “Why are you here? Avoiding the Ex?” She asked, as she began unpacking her bags. The fact that she had called Zak “The Ex” had caused my insides to twinge.
“Zak’s gone already” I said, looking back at the computer screen scared about how much my face would tell. His visit seemed like a dream already.
“Already?!” She said. I nodded. “I didn’t even get to meet him.”
“Do you remember what I told you last night?” I blurted. I regretted it the second the words left my mouth, hardly a library appropriate topic. I wasn’t even sure she’d remember. Maggie was already wasted by the time I’d even arrived at the house.
She nodded awkwardly. “I don’t understand how you two could’ve gone through so much stuff when you’re so young.”
“We’re Scooney. We stuck together through everything. I thought we were indestructible till January.”
“Scooney” She laughed. “Sounds like some dorky American kid’s nickname. How does that even work?”
“The Scouser and the Loon.” I smiled. “My nickname that Natalie and Gaby, 2 of my flatmates christened me with in first year.”
“Where were they last night?” She asked instantly.
“Very long story. We’re not very close anymore. Hence why I only brought the boys.”
“Oh.” Maggie said, realising I wanted to leave it there. “What happened in January to make Zak leave?”
“Our flatmates were going through some stuff and it ended up putting us against each other and whilst we were fighting Zak was offered a great grad job in London.”
“Ouch. Shit timing.”
“Tell me about it.” I sighed. “He left and we hadn’t spoken since until yesterday.”
“Did anything happen?” She asked, moving her eyebrows up and down.
I gulped. “Well that answers my question! It totally did!” She said, getting excited. “Look at your face, it’s gone like a tomato! I wish I’d had the chance to meet him before I ended up being put to bed!” She laughed and hung her head in shame. “One day we’re going to get married and have babies seems like quite a declaration when you’re only 19”
“20” I said, “Gap year” I laughed. You never stop having to explain that to people.
“Does sound like you’ve had more drama in your relationship than my grandparents and they’ve been together over 50 years” she said with a sort of laugh.
“You never know what’s round the corner.” I said. “What are you working on?” I asked, nodding towards the powerpoint she had just opened up. Better to change the subject to something 2 people who had known each other just over a week should actually chat about. I’m not the most forward person ever – without a drink in me – so the fact that I felt so comfortable with Maggie and Maya already was weird. I think it’s because of the atmosphere on Tuesday night. There was no option to be shy. No option to feel awkward.
“Just this presentation for my seminar next week.” She shrugged. I looked at the words on the screen and it made no sense to me at all.
“Teach me some chemistry” I laughed. “What does colligative property?!”
“Lorna, WHY are we talking about that when your housemate has kidnapped Maya?!”
“What?!” I gasped.
“Arnold!” She said with utter disgust.
I giggled. “Archie.”
“She’s been with him all day. I haven’t had a text back since 10 this morning and all it said was alive.”
“I didn’t hear her at ours. Are you sure she went back with Arch?!” I said, trying to be serious whilst laughing at the idea of calling Archie Arnold for the rest of time.
“Definitely.” She said. “I’ve never seen Maya like this with anyone before. Apart from her ex but-“ She stopped suddenly. Her whole posture altered at the mention of the ex and I just knew he was the reason Maya attended on Tuesday nights.
“Does she-“ I paused trying to think of a nice way to phrase it. “do this often?”
“One night stands? Never.” Maggie said. “That’s what worries me.”
“You don’t even know Arch.”
“Does he do it oft-“
“More than anyone I know!!!” I cut her off. “I don’t even know how he does it!”
“Maya hasn’t slept with anyone since-“ She stopped and shook her head, Knowing that it wasn’t her place to tell me this information. I was still undecided on whether Archie would have worked out how I knew Maya. Maybe then he would understand if she had rejected his advances.
“Do you think she would have?”
“I don’t know. She seemed to really like him.”
“You were barely even down the stairs last night!”
“yes” she stated matter of factly. “but I know my best friend and I know what it means when she looks at someone like that. Even if she has had several shots of tequila!” She said, with a slight laugh. “I wish she would just text me back” she huffed, clicking the middle button of her phone again. Watching Maggie obsess about how Maya was made me sad. “She always texts me! Always!” She sighed. “I’m telling you if this turns in to a thing I will blame you!”
The smile dropped off my face. I don’t see this going positively at all. Archie is not who you want your friends to sleep with.
She laughed at me. “no it’s her own mistake but you brought him to that party” she continued accusingly.
“Everything happens for a reason. This could be meant to be!” I said positively. Thinking I’d thought that about Archie and a few girls recently that had all turned sour in the end, like that nurse girl who’s name I can’t even remember now, that’s how long it lasted …
“Archie has grown up a lot recently. Just cause they’ve spent one night together does not mean they’re getting married. We don’t need to over think this!” I said, even though it was nice to over think a different situation to the one that happened with Zak and I this morning. I really wish I knew what the hell was happening with us.

----
I took a deep breath and raised my hand to chap the door. I paused. I don’t think this is a good idea. I yawned. I had stayed in the library with Maggie till 2am. Anything to stop me going to bed with all this shit going through my head. On the plus side I didn’t scream last night. I woke up but I didn’t scream once. Zak had been texting me almost constantly since he got to his mum’s last night.
I stood there watching Gaby’s door as if it was going to open it self. I couldn’t help but think that this was could only end badly but I have to do it. I chap the door and waited. I blinked and Gaby was stood in front of me, dressed in her comfy clothes she wears for dossing round the house in with Alicia in one arm. Alicia instantly reached for me and weirdly enough Gaby let me take her. She must have been in too much shock that I had actually appeared at her flat with no reason to.
I bounced Alicia in my arm slightly and she giggled and put both her hands on either side of my face and seriously looked at me. “na na na na na na na!” she repeated over and over again. I smiled at her enthusiastically then noticed Gaby was stood in the door way just watching us with an extremely unimpressed look on her face. I ignored it.
“I like to think that’s her starting to learn my name” I smiled.
“Na means “lift me!”, give me Alvin, give me Russell , read the book. I wouldn’t get too excited.” She said dully.
“It means Auntie LorNA too” I said, exaggerating the NA of my name. Gaby rolled her eyes and moved out of the door way and actually let me in.
“Are you here to collect her?”
“What?” I asked, completely clueless.
“I just text Kris asking if someone else could look after her today. I’ve been asked to do a shift.”
“Oh” I said. “no but I will take her. It’s my day off and I wouldn’t want to spend it with anyone else.” I said to Alicia sweetly.
“So why did you come in the first place?” Gaby asked.
“To say Thank you.” I smiled.
Gaby stopped gathering Alicia’s favourite toys and responded with a look of utter disgust, “Why?”
“Because thanks to you I had a lovely weekend and I got to see Uncle Zakky!” I said too Alicia. “yes I did!” I repeated in a baby way.
“I thought you’d be angry with me.” Gaby said, returning to packing Alicia’s belongings, she lifted some bibs and folded clothing she had left sat on the back of the house. Alicia must be staying at halls tonight.
“Is that why you did it?” I asked.
Gaby thought about it and then shook her head.
“Exactly.” I said. “So thank you.”
It was clear after a few seconds that Gabs was not going to reply. I plonked myself and Alicia down on the couch and an advert for the new Disney film appeared on screen. Alicia instantly started to squeal excitedly, looking at me to see whether I was watching the TV to. “How fun would it be Alicia if me, you and mummy went to the cinema”
“it’d be awful.” Gaby stated.
“Gabs-“ I began.
“No lorna, don’t start. It’s your fault that we don’t do stuff like that with Alicia so don’t even bother suggested it to her.”
“I know that.” I agreed.
“It’s your fault.” She repeated. I looked at her closely, she looked like she’d been on a heavy night out last night. With Gaby it was really easy to tell when she was tired, she always had been one for sleep. “yours, not mine.”
“You need to understand that I did what I did because I love you, because you’re my best friend, because I didn’t want you to go in to self-destruct mode when you were pregnant.” Gaby began to interject with “not this again” but I just ignored her and continued with what I had to say. “I knew it would never last, you and Rhys. Best friend intuition. I was always sceptical anyway. I knew it would run its course and I thought I could get away with you never finding out which was stupid of me. I see that now. I see that you had a right to know but you cannot keep punishing me for it. I did it because it’s what I thought was best. People do the wrong things sometimes.”
“Stop trying to make yourself look like angel” She said. “Why do you always have people singing your praises. Little Lorna who’s always happy and can do no wrong”
“I know that I’m no saint and I certainly do not shit rainbows” I said. “But neither are you Gaby. You manage to convince Zak I was a psycho!” I said. “which I am” I laughed, “but not in the horrible malicious way that he started to think. I know you tripped me and that was stupid. That was really stupid. I was protecting you when I withheld the truth about Rhys and Natalie from you but you threw me in to the fire by tripping me and making me bang my head!” I said. “I guess you didn’t think and I know that I didn’t either but I’m sick of us punishing each other. I miss my best friend.” I stopped, hoping Gaby would say something but she didn’t even turn around so that I could see her facial expressions. “I sat in the library for hours last night listening to Maggie tell me story after story about what her and Maya had got up to and how she’s the best friend she’s ever had blah blah blah and all I could think about was how I was stupid enough to lose mine!” I vented. “I know you still care. You told Zak. You got him to come back. You got us back to being friends again.” I said, holding my phone up which showed 2 new messages from him. Alicia reached out to grab it and I gave it to her. “You wouldn’t have done that if you didn’t give a shit so stop acting like you don’t!” I snapped. “I miss hanging out. I miss arguing over stupid stuff. I want to be on that list of people you send video’s and photo’s too when Alicia does something cool! I want to be the one who gets all the gossip when Kris tells you about his boyfriend!” I said. “I want you to be the person I go to when I feel so fucking confused after seeing Zak for the weekend. I need your oh so blunt honesty about whether I’m being stupid.” I said, “we’ve both been absolutely awful to each other, I will admit it but I want to put this behind us. Please!” I let it hang in the air but Gaby still said nothing.
“When are you going to take the hint and give up.” She said bluntly, continuing to pack Alicia’s things.
“Never!” I said confidently. “I can tell by looking about you that something is wrong. You don’t look well and even if you don’t believe me I am concerned.” I said. “because I do care.”
Gaby held Alicia’s changing back up in front of me. I stood up from the couch with Alicia and took it from her. We did sort of an exchange as she lifted Alicia from my arms and gave her a big kiss.
“Have a nice time baby girl” She said, “Don’t worry, Daddy’s done with his radio slot at 3 and he’s free to take you as soon as possible after that” She said maliciously as though it was a punishment for Alicia to be stuck with me for a few hours. I sighed and reached to take Alicia back with me.
Gaby walked towards the door, opened it and gestured for us to leave. “Bye bye Alicia” She said and closed the door behind the both of us. At least there was no shouting …