Best Friends Tell Each Other Everything

Gaby's POV

On the 14th of August, I returned to Blackpool for a month, as it was summer. Kris wasn’t exactly happy about leaving him - seeing as Alicia is his too - so for the 2 middle weeks he joined me up there. I stayed in my own room, at my own house, for the first week. Rhys came down for that week too. It was nice, his company and the fact he got to really bond with Alicia. I liked it. Then for the 2 weeks after that, I asked my uncle if we could rent his holiday home. He said that, as I’m family, I can have it for free. It was only across the garden from where I lived, so we could easily get home if we needed to. And it had separate rooms for me and Kris to stay in. So for 2 whole weeks of summer, it was just me, Alicia and Kris (and all my friends from home who decided to camp out at home with us, quite a few times.) It was really fun. I thought we’d really get at each others throats, but we actually didn’t. Honestly, when it was time for Kris to leave I felt all upset, and I could really tell Alicia missed him. She was much more of a pain the next week. She’d hear a mans voice, and she’d think it was him at first… and once she realised it wasn’t she’d cry and cry. I didn’t like it. But she got over it within time.
On the 12th of September I went back to Chester. It was harder than I thought – going back to Hollyoaks. I missed my Mum, Naomi, all my friends. I even missed my guinea pig! It felt so natural at home, and now here I feel all, I don’t know. Like there’s only me. At home, Naomi would always be wanting to look after Alicia, so I could get so relaxing time. Here it’s like, if she cries she’s handed straight back to me. I don’t mind, I love her to bits, but it gets on my nerves. Becka said she was definitely coming to stay with me in the next few weeks. She actually loves Alicia, and she usually hates kids. Liv’s going back to her own Uni, so me and Becka have both said we now won’t here from her till next year. It’s quite sad really. It’s like Liv can’t make room for us when her new friends are around. I guess I don’t mind. Man, was it funny when I went round to Liv’s with Alicia! Her parents have always called me the good one, the responsible one. Then I walk in with Alicia.
“Aw, isn’t she cute!” Liv’s Mum cooed.
“Whose is she?” Liv’s Dad smiled at me.
“Mine.” I smiled back. He gave me a confused look.
“Honestly?”
“Mm Hmm.” I replied, grinning, They both looked at each other, sincerely surprised. I’m guessing once I left there was a lot of bitching about me. Oh well. I'll get over it. I was extremely surprised Liv hadn’t told them, really. She tells them everything. She even told them when I started my period! I went round there the next day and they were like, “Aw, Gaby’s growing up!”
Let me tell you, when you’re 11 years old and puberty – the worlds worst thing – happens to you, the last thing you want to find out is that your best friend’s parents know! Most embarrassing day of my life.
Yes, I love Liv’s family. It actually is a shame I’m not going to see them till next year, probably. According to Becka, Liv didn’t even return home for Christmas or Easter. But then again, neither did I. I did return in between though. I’ve already promised I'll be coming home much more regularly this year. Things are different. I’m happier. I’m in more control. I’m just… things are different.

-

“Kris, can you watch Alicia whilst I go to the gym?” I asked, putting a blanket over Alicia. She was still in the pram, fast asleep, and we’ve been here for hours. I came round to see Kris earlier. It’s nice to walk.
“Oh, yeah sure. Just give me your breast and we’ll be fine.” He said sarcastically. I smiled back, equally sarcastic. I reached into the changing bag and pulled out a bottle of my milk.
“Mm” I threw the bottle at him, “Heat it up in a jug of boiling water, check the temperature on your wrist, if it’s still cold, give it 5 seconds in the microwave and then swirl it – we don’t want her to have hotspots. If it’s too hot, leave it to still for a bit. If it’s just warm, it’s fine.”
“How do I know if it’s too hot or too cold?”
“I don’t know. You just will. You won’t give her anything too hot or cold, anyway too cold doesn’t really matter – she just doesn’t like it as much and it might be more difficult.”
“When did you start putting her on a bottle?” Kris asked, confused.
“About a month ago. It’s the way I feed her every evening before bed. I need to get her used to it. I remember my niece – she just wouldn’t take it because she wasn’t used to it. And I need to go to the gym.” I said, smiling.
“You don’t need to…” He gave me a look.
“Kris, what’s the matter with you?” I said, laughing.
“I’ve never been with her without you around.” He told me, “I’m a little nervous.”
“Well I’m a lot reluctant to go. Kris I’ve not been apart from her since she was conceived!” I reminded him. He just nodded. “Please? I’m fed up of being this size. Can you do this every day, for about an hour, just for me?”
“Every day?” He asked, his eyes going wider. “Gaby, that’s a bit over-working yourself.”
“It’s fine.” I said, smiling. “Please?”
“Alright, have fun.” He said waving me off.
“Thank you!” I said happily. I went to leave, opened the door and paused. I’m about to leave Alicia for the first time ever. I glanced back at her, sleeping so soundly. “If you need me, I have my phone.” I said, before walking out and closing the door behind me. I got to the front door, and like she knew I was leaving, I heard her soft cry. It was painful to have to leave.

-

After the gym, I freshened myself up and rushed back to Halls as quick as I could. I walked through the front door and didn’t even pause to say hello to Archie who was making a sandwich, or Rhys who was on his laptop. I just went straight through to Kris’s room – which was empty.
“Where’s Kris, and where the hell is my child?” I asked, walking out of his room and into the sitting room. I felt all grown up and adult-ish at that moment. I was worrying about my child, I was wearing heels (well, ankle boots but still!) and I was… worrying about my child!
“Damn girl, yo’ lookin’ gurd.” I looked up to see some other guy sat on the couch next to Archie – who was now eating his sandwich.
“Who’s this?” I asked, not meaning to sound completely rude, but that’s how it came out.
“Cameron.” Archie answered for him. I looked Cameron up and down. He looked like a player. I wasn’t sure if he was just putting it on, but it sounded to me like he was American. And he was black, with very dark hair and an earring, and a god chain… The more I looked at him the more I realised he was actually unbelievably good looking.
“Cameron…?” I looked at him confused.
“Deeztaylo.” He replied. Yeah, he’s American.
“O-kay…” I smiled, “Are you Archie’s friend?”
“No, actually Gaby, he lives here now.”
“What?” My eyes widened. “Oh, you’re the Fresher? God, I forgot it was Fresher’s week. I hate not living on campus.”
“I’m not exactly a Fresher. I’ve transferred here from Chicago for a year.” He smiled at me. God his teeth were so straight, and so white.
“Gaby – er, Hi.” Rhys waved at me, giving me a look but smiling at the same time. Right, I must have been staring. Damn, boyfriend. Right.
“Okay, right.. erh.. “I paused, trying to remember why I came out here in the first place. Alicia! Right. “Where’s Alicia? Kris..?” I directed this at Rhys.
“He went to the shop, and obviously took her with him.” Rhys smiled at me. I nodded.
“Okay, I guess I'll just wait then.” I felt anxious now. What if he didn’t keep Alicia warm enough? What if something happens? At least in the flat there’s hardly anything that can go wrong, but out in the big world…
“I'll be back in a minute.” Archie jumped up and ran out the front door. Freak. Rhys stood up and headed for his room.
“What you doing?” I asked casually.
“I need to get ready for my shift.” He smiled at me.
“Oh, yeah.” I smiled back. So just me and this Cameron now. He smiled shyly at me. After a long 5 minutes of complete silence, he leaned forwards.
“Listen man, I’m sorry if this insults you, but Archie, man, he told me to say that before. I don’t just talk like that or somethin’. He asked me to say somethin’ that sounded like black talk and you walked out at the same time.” He smiled at me.
“It’s fine.” I smiled back politely. Way to blow my self-esteem.
“Woah, Woah, I’m not saying you aren’t pretty!” He said quickly, “I mean, you’re looking good seeing as you just had a kid.”
“How did you know that?”
“You walked out before and said ‘where the hell is my child?’”
“Oh right – that. Yeah. Okay.” I sounded ridiculous.
“So how old is she?”
“Is who?” I asked confused.
“Alicia? I’m guessing she’s your daughter.”
“Oh yeah! Sorry. She’s 8 weeks.” I smiled at him.
“That’s great.” He grinned. He actually seems like a great guy, and that accent… yum.
“So, if you don’t mind me asking, how old are you?”
“21.” He smiled at me. I nodded back, not really sure what else I could do. “You?”
“19.” I replied.
“That’s a good age.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, it’s the last time you can use the fact you’re a teenager as an excuse.”
I giggled. This is unlike me!
“I never thought of that.” I tilted my head, and smiled… again. He smiled back. For some idiotic reason I leaned in a little, and then he did too, and then I did some more and then – Kris walked back in.
“Gaby!” He snapped. I jumped up.
“Sorry!” I said, cringing. I nearly kissed Cameron and we met like, 10 minutes ago!
“Right, well your daughters home.”
“Uh huh.” I was still looking at Cameron. He was smiling at me. Just smiling. I gulped. It was hard to swallow. I swear my heart’s In. My. Throat. He stood up and started walking past me. As he passed I tilted my head in his direction.
“Gaby!” Kris snapped again, and I heard the fridge close.
“Damnit! He has some kind of magnetic pull, I swear!” I jumped away from him, but I laughed. Kris gave me a look.
“Are you sober?”
“Have been for the last 10 months.” I smiled at him. He just nodded.
“Okay, well, here’s your daughter back.”
“Why thank you.” I smiled and walked towards her pram. She was dressed all snug in her brown, bear-suit type coat. It looks so warm! She also had a blanket over her.
“Kris, she’s probably boiling to death.” I said, quickly pulling the blanket off her and taking her out the pram. She woke up and then started screaming. I pulled the coat off her and lay her on the sofa.
“Alright, alright, stop crying sweetheart, alright.” I kissed her forehead, which was very, very hot. “Kris, pass me the thermometer.” I said, holding my hand out. I heard him fishing around in the bag and then he handed the thermometer to me. I put it in her ear for about 2 seconds, until it bleeped and gave me a reading.
“37.2, Kris that’s high.”
“No it isn’t.” He said confused.
“A baby’s temperature is high if it’s over 37, and that’s still higher than they should be.”
“Is she okay?”
“She’s fine.” I said, “She’s just burning up. They can’t bring their temperature down themselves and this could make her start feeling unwell.”
“I didn’t think she’d burn up.”
“Kris, it’s the hottest summer we’ve ever had. It’s 24 degrees outside, and you’re dressing her in a woolly dark coat with a blanket on top.”
“I’m sorry.” He said, going to pick her up. I let him.
“It’s okay. She might only be that hot because she was asleep. You should really wait half an hour after they wake up before checking their temperature.”
“Okay.” As much as he tried to settle her, she wouldn’t. He tried for about 5 minutes, before giving up and passing her to me. She went quiet once I patted her back for a minute or two. She’s around me so often, she settles with me. She knows who I am. She’ll watch me as I walk across the room, she’ll find me and make sure I don’t leave her. I think she’s just glad I’m holding her again.
“Do you mind if I take her home?”
“No. I think I’ve just failed as a Dad.” Kris laughed, but you could tell he really meant it.
“You have not. You’re learning. You were meant to do that to teach you not to do it again. Kris, you’re great and Alicia thinks so too.” I smiled, hugged him with one arm and then put Alicia in her pram. I put her coat and blanket underneath and then walked out of halls and towards my flat.

-

Zak appeared at mine later that evening. I wasn’t expecting to see him, but when he came round it was nice.
“Hey!” I smiled and opened the door wider so he could come in. It’s been weeks since I’ve seen him.
“Hi Gabs.” He gave me a hug and then walked in. “You’re looking slim.”
I laughed, “Are you joking?”
“No, you look less pregnant and more…” He stopped when he saw the look on my face. “I'll shut up.”
“You do that.” I nodded, shutting the door.
“Where’s Alicia?” He asked, taking his coat off, and walking towards my bedroom. She was asleep in her cot, but I suppose she should be getting up soon anyway. I don’t want her to stay away all night.
“Oh my God! Look how big she is!” I heard him say, and then I heard her cry softly.
“I can’t tell.” I smiled and walked into my bedroom. Zak was holding her like… a baby. “She prefers to be held in a sitting position facing out to the room.” I told him. He shifted around with her a little, and then held her against his chest like I’d suggested. She calmed down pretty quickly.
“She’s getting strong.” He commented, smiling at me.
“I know.” I said happily.
“How are you?” Zak asked, walking out of my bedroom and heading for the couch.
“I’m great, how are you?” I sat down and turned the tv off.
“I’m good, yeah.” He nodded and smiled.
“Lorna?” I asked him. I hadn’t spoken or seen Lorna since she told me what had happened. Every time I went to see her, someone would tell me she was out or she’d be sleeping.
“She’s still in Scotland.” Zak said, and then he wouldn’t look me in the eye.
“Wait, what?” I gave him a confused look. “She went to Scotland? Why?
“It’s Summer. She went home.” He told me.
“But, her sister. Kyle…”
“I know, but we couldn’t exactly stop her.” He reminded me. “I expected her to be home by now. It’s Freshers week. She shouldn’t be missing out on all the booze.”
“What, you mean like I am?” I asked, frowning. Don’t get me wrong, I love Alicia and I wouldn’t change anything now. But I miss being a student. I wish I had a little bit longer to be young.
“Sorry.” Zak smiled, he didn’t seem apologetic.
“Well, you seem jollier.” I told him. He just nodded.
“I am.”
“Well, good.” I didn’t know what else to say…

-

Injections. I’ve been dreading this day for 3 weeks. Alicia is due for her injections today. Her first ever injections, my poor baby. I walked round to the doctors, because I thought it was the best way of getting there. It was just me and Alicia. Kris was working and I didn’t want anyone else to come. We sat in the waiting room for about 5 minutes before they called us in. It was my nice health visitor and midwife in there.
“Hello Gaby, how are you and Alicia?” My Midwife smiled politely at me.
“We’re great.” I said happily. She took Alicia out of the pram, and she was smiling away, all happy.
“Oh she’s very smiley!” The health visitor said. I nodded. For some reason I was extremely nervous. I couldn’t explain the feeling.
“Okay, do you want to stay in or go out?” The midwife asked. I gave her a confused look.
“Stay in, of course.” I said, still trying to sound polite. How could she think I’d want to leave?
“Okay sweetheart.” She patronised me. They pulled Alicia's tights off and pinched the top of her left thigh. I saw the health visitor raise the needle, and then I watched Alicia's face. From smiley, to purple, to screaming. I felt all teary. I didn’t like seeing her in pain. This was the first time she’d felt pain – I think… The worst thing was, they had to do it on her right thigh too. Once they’d done, they let me hold her straight away.
“Okay, alright, good girl.” I said as she screamed into my ear. I kissed the side of her head and just rocked her. Once she’d calmed down a little, I pulled her tights up, sorted her dress out then placed her back in her pram.
“Well done little Alicia.” The midwife said, smiling. “And you Gaby, most parents are weeping away. You’re great for staying strong.”
I gulped, not sure if I could talk without bursting into tears. My happy baby is now in a bad grumpy mood. Poor Alicia.
“Thanks.” I choked, before walking out of the surgery and back towards home. Now Alicia would be in pain on her thighs for a few days. This is not good. This means sleepless nights, and a pain for nappy time and getting her changed. This is not good!

-

Kris took Alicia for a walk later that night. I was way too tired to go anywhere, and she wouldn’t settle, so he said he’d take her out. I decided to wait for them at halls. Also, I wanted to find out if Lorna was back or not. I was sat on the sofa, reading someone’s heat magazine, for about half an hour before anyone appeared.
“You again?” The American accent made me feel dizzy, until I realised who it was.
“Ah, you.” I pretended to cringe. “Mr Disgraybo, or whatever your name is.” I smiled at him in a very sarcastic way, then went back to my magazine.
“It’s Deeztaylo.” He laughed.
“Deez-what?”
“Taylo.” He sat on the other sofa.
“You’re names ridiculous.” I said, laughing.
“You’re not exactly the nicest person to strangers, are you?” He smirked. I frowned.
“Sorry, I’m just a little tired – and you forcing me to nearly kiss you hasn’t made me particularly want to be friends with you.”
“Forcing you?” He laughed.
“Yeah! With your charm and accent and looks. Blah.”
“Not my fault, babe.” He sat back and stretched.
“Oh, it is too! Cameron Deez-what’s-your-gob, stay away.” I said, looking once again at my magazine.
“Deeztaylo!” He was laughing again. I tipped my head back.
“How’s that spelt?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.
“Why? Want to write me a love letter?”
“No, I want to write a letter to the dean asking if you can be deported back to your country.” I snapped.
“Oohoo Racist too now?” He grinned at me.
“I didn’t mean it like that.” I defended myself quickly. “Sorry.” I said, and I meant it!
“Dee, Eye, Ess, Tee, Ee (accented), El, Oh.” He spelt it out. “Distélo.”
“Yeah, that’s completely different to how I imagined it.” I said, laughing. He smiled at me.
“It usually is.”
The front door swung open, and about a minute later Lorna walked in with 2 suitcases.
“Lorna!” I said, jumping up to help her. I grabbed one of her bags and walked with her through to her room.
“Thanks.” She heaved and then sat on her bed. “Who was that guy out there?”
“New roommate.” I said, generally. “How are you?”
“Fine.” She answered.
“Lorna, why did you go home?” I asked, quite concerned. It doesn’t make sense to me why anyone would want to go home when they hate their family, and their rapist was there and… I just didn’t make sense!
“It’s Summer.” She reminded me.
“Yes, I know. I’m not a complete twit.” I said bitterly.
“I had to go home. I had to talk to Aly, and I, I needed to see Kyle.” She took a deep breath. “Which was the worst idea I’ve ever had.”
“Why? Lorna?” I sat at her desk, but pulled the chair out so I could see her.
“He didn’t do anything. It just wasn’t Kyle anymore. I don’t know. It wasn’t him.” She bit her lip. “He told me that I must’ve been too drunk to remember. I was begging him to do me. I was begging him to hit me harder and harder… I remember him wrestling me to the bed and I remember begging him to stop – and then I blacked out. Why is he lying to me? We’ve been friends for as long as I can remember… Why is he lying?” She was stressing herself out. She hit the bed angrily. “Argh, you know what? I need to go on a walk.”
“Want me to come with you?” I asked, kindly. I know this sounds rude, after I’d offered, but I was hoping she’d say no. I was worrying enough about Alicia as it is. I didn’t want to leave here until she was back with me.
“No. I’d like to be alone. Thanks though.”
“Okay.” I gave her a comforting smile. “Lorna?”
“Yeah?”
“Please go to the police.” I begged her. She just shook her head.
“I can’t.”
And that was that.

Last bit of fic of the decade

Lorna's POV

Alone: To be separate, apart or isolated from others and exactly how I feel. No one understands. I don’t want them to. I don’t want any of my friends to have to go through this, ever. Not knowing what’s happened or why? It’s killing me. I didn’t ask me to hit me. I didn’t ask him to do me. I wouldn’t have said that. My heads a mess. My lives a mess. I’ve got no one to turn to, nowhere to go. I’d managed to convince myself that going home would fix things. If we spoke about it we’d manage to figure out what happened that night. It’s now been 39 days since it happened and I still have no clue what happened. And in those 39 days I’ve still not had a decent sleep. I haven’t stopped thinking about it. What did he put the stuff in? I bought most of my own. He couldn’t have done it. It wasn’t him! It wasn’t! He wouldn’t do that to me. I don’t believe that he did that to me. The not knowing was driving me insane. This is the 7th night in a row that I’m still awake at 3.43. Playing what I do remember over and over. Every night I can come up with a different excuse for him but each one is more pathetic than the last. I sat up and switched my best side lamp on. The light didn’t even hurt my eyes. I was wide awake. I took my covers off and walked over to the mirror and slowly slide my top off and looked at the bruises. Again. I kept hoping that they’d tell me what happened. Make something in my head go click. They’d healed quite a bit but they were still noticeable. I needed water. I turned and slowly opened my bedroom door quietly and tiptoed quietly up the corridor. I hated halls at night it was just so quiet.
“Boo” I heard someone say in a voice I didn’t recognize. I practically dived towards the light. “Woah” The man said. It was the guy Gaby was talking to earlier. Our new flatmate to replace Zak.
“Sorry” I said. “I got a fright”
“You’re not English” he smiled.
“Neither are you” I replied as I walked over to the kitchen and got myself a glass from the cupboard.
“You’re Scottish!” He said. “You’re the first Scottish person I’ve ever seen” I smiled slightly.
“What part of America are you from?” I asked before realising something. “Wait” I said, just as he opened his mouth to reply. “I don’t know your name”
“And you’re already showing me your underwear” He said making me realise I didn’t put my jammie top back on at least I was still wearing a bra. My hands instantly went to my stomach trying to cover my faded but still huge bruise. “Cameron” he smiled.
“Lorna” I replied, taking a sip of my water. “I’m just going to go get my top” I said faking a slight laugh and quickly going into my room and slipping my top back on. If he’d saw my bruises he wasn’t saying anything about them. “So” I said as I walked back up the hall “What part of American are you from?”
“Chicago” He said.
“I have some relatives who stay there” I said. “But I don’t speak to them much”
“Man I’m tired” He said obviously changing the subject since he didn’t know what to say.
“Why are you still up?”
“Jet Lag” He said. “I’m going to bed now though. What’s your excuse?”
“Just can’t sleep” I said, taking another sip of my water.
“Aww” He said sarcastically and I smiled. “Well, Night Lorna”
“Night” I said, as he walked down the corridor and into Zak’s bedroom. It’s going to take time to get used to that. I sighed as I walked over to the couch and collapsed onto the couch and went straight back to thinking again.
-
“Lorna!” A voice said interrupting my sleep.
“Lorna!” Another voice said and my eyes flicked open to see Archie and Rhys stood beside the couch. “Move!”
“Good Morning to you too!” I said sarcastically slowly sitting up on the couch leaving a space for one person that Archie dived for although Rhys got there first.
“Lorna, Move!” Archie said.
“That’s not fair!” Cameron – the new guy – said. He was sat on other couch next to Elliot who was engrossed in his laptop as usual.
“She’s got work in 10 minutes!” Archie said.
“Shit!” I said, straight away more awake. “Thanks” I jumped off of the couch and started to run down the corridor.
“No, Thank You!” Archie said as his bum hit the seat.
“Whatever” I said as I raced into my room to get my work stuff. I could go for a shower when I got back. I’ve got nothing else to do today. I quickly got new clothes out and headed to the bathroom.
--
Gaby keeps telling me I should report him to the police. It’s too late for that now, right? I couldn’t do it. It’s Kyle. He’s been there since I was 3! He’s like my brother! I can’t report him. How long do you get for rape? Where did he get the drug? People don’t just give it out. He must’ve bought it. Why?
“Lorna I think that part of floors clean now” Steph said staring at me. I was just stood there moving the brush back and forward on the exact same spot.
“Oh” I said. “Sorry”
“Don’t apologize!” She said. “What’s up?”
“I’m Okay” I said, quickly, too quickly.
“Okay” Steph said giving me a confused look. I started sweeping the floor again and drifted back into my thoughts. Did he plan it? How did he know how to buy it from? It didn’t make sense. He must’ve known what he was doing. While he was dancing beside me he knew he was going to spike my drink. While I was drunkenly ranting about Zak he knew what he was going to do. He knew what he was going to do when we were walking back to the hotel when he was saying “Won’t be long till we get you to bed”. Thinking about it was making me sick. That wasn’t Kyle. It wasn’t. I refuse to believe it.
“Again, Lorna!” Steph said. “Do want to go home?”
“No” I snapped. I’ve got nothing to do at home except think.
“You don’t look well” She said, trying to be polite. I don’t feel like me.
“I’ve just not slept” I sighed.
“Sure you don’t want to go?” She said. She looked concerned.
“I’m sure” I smiled. “Sorry for snapping. I’ve just got nothing to do at home”
“Still awkward?” Steph asked as she began to cut up a banana.
“Yeah. I’m friends with Zak.” I said.
“That’s good” Steph said.
“I don’t want to be just friends” I sighed. I want everything to go back to the way it was back when I was happy. 8 weeks ago nothing could’ve spoilt my mood. Then I went and ruined everything.
“Things will work back up” Steph said encouragingly.
“Not back to what we were”
“You never know” Steph said, putting the banana she had chopped into the blender. “Things could end up better”
“I want to believe you” I sighed.
“Can you take this over to my mum in drive n buy please” She said. I’ll finish sweeping the floor” She took the brush out of my hands “You’ll need to wake up a bit before Tom gets here. He’s desperate to see transformers 2 with you. I tried to take him but he wants to go with you!” I turned and I smiled. Aww! I love Tom!
“Okay” I said as Steph handed me the smoothie.
“Can you make sure she gets something for dinner?” Steph said as I started to walk away.
“Sure” I said walking over to drive n buy.
“But not chicken” I heard Steph shout.
“Okay” I said with a faint smile.
Hollyoaks isn’t actually that big. I’ve lived here for a whole year now and that’s me just realising it. There’s the Loft, Evissa, Tan and Tumble, Drive n buy, Il Gnosh, The Dog, The Su, The College and that was it. I could see practically everything just from where I was standing. Including Zak. I stopped and stared. He was sat there in Il Gnosh with, with Michaela McQueen. She’s a chav! She’s a -. I turned the minute Zak turned round and saw me. I’m such a twat. I walked quickly into Drive and Buy and slammed Frankie’s drink down onto the counter.
“Sorry” I snapped as her smoothie had spilled a little.
“It’s okay” She smiled. “Thanks Love”
“No problem” I smiled fakily, practically snapping at Frankie. “Steph asked me to say you need to get something for dinner as well, but not chicken” I said.
“Oh Okay” She said. “Thanks again love”
“Bye” I said, turning and walking towards the door but I stopped and looked out first.
“Hiding from someone?” Frankie asked and I just shrugged peeking further and further out of the door. They were still there. I need to be confident, walk straight past pretend that it’s not killing me that he’s sitting over there eating with her. They wouldn’t be going out, right? It’s only been 8 weeks since we ended. He’s allowed to go out with other people. We’re over. He’s not cheating like I did. I could cry. I took a step out of the door rudely not answering Frankie’s question and walked straight back over to mob’s fighting the urge to look back over at them. There was a lump in the back of my throat. I love him. He loves me. Loved. He loved me. I’m the one who fucked it up. He’s doing nothing wrong.
“What did mum do?” Steph said, coming over to me. Please tell me I’m not crying.
“Zak’s over there” I sniffed and Steph gave me a confused look. “In Il Gnosh with Michaela McQueen!”
“Oh” Steph said and there was an awkward pause. “You don’t know they’re going out though”
I sighed. “It’s not like he’s cheating on me but that’s how it feels and now I feel even more awful for cheating on him. I didn’t mean to sleep with Kris. I didn’t mean to fuck everything up!” I sniffed wiping my tears. “Can I go home now?” I said. “Please.”I begged. “I’ll take Tom to see transformers tomorrow, I promise. I’ll text you later” I said, taking off my apron and sitting it on the counter. “I’m sorry”
“Lorna, It’s Okay” Steph said anxiously. “I’ll see you tomorrow”
“Yeah” I said as I walked out of Mobs and headed back towards halls.

--
38% of rape victims are raped by a friend or relative. Date rape is what it’s called when the victims drink gets spiked - with probably either Ketamine or Rohypnol – and then once the drug takes over the victim’s physical and or mental state they are sexually abused. Wikipedia also said that date rape is usually done by a new acquaintance not one of the people you’ve known your whole life. I’d been reading about it for an hour now. If I reported Kyle he could get 3 years for possession of the drug he used and that’s before the time for rape was added on. I don’t -. He didn’t -. I just don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what to believe either. I don’t know if Kyle was lying anymore about me shouting at him, telling him to do me and hit me harder. Wikipedia said that the drugs play with people’s mental state so I could’ve shouted that but I wouldn’t have meant it ever.
I turned round and looked that the mess behind me. All my clothes were everywhere. An hour ago I decided it was a good idea to pack up and leave Hollyoaks. Go away and forget about it then I realized nothing that’s happened has been Hollyoaks fault and good things have happened here too.
I jerked back into the real world again when someone chapped my door. “Who is it?” I asked.
“Zak” My heart actually stopped. I don’t want him to come and tell me about Michaela. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to cry in front of him. I don’t want to seem clingy.
“Come in” I said after a short - but still long – pause.
“Hey” He said with a smile as he came into my room. “Unpacking?”
“It was packing” I sighed as I sat back onto the floor.
“Packing?” Zak asked. “Your just back”
“I know” I said. “I just, I don’t know, thought I should go but then I realized I’ve not got anywhere to go” I said faking a laugh.
“Why do you want to go?” Zak asked not looking at me.
“Life’s a mess” I sighed.
“Why?” He asked.
“Do you really need to ask?” I asked in a rather snide way but instantly regretting it. “The guy who’s always been there for me since I was 3 years old decided to spike my drink and rape me and I don’t understand any of it and there’s no one I can talk to about it”
“What about me?” He asked. He still wasn’t looking at me. He’d sat down on my bed and just sat at stared at my ... laptop which was still open at the Google search of rape. I climbed up from the floor and closed the lid of my laptop before sitting back down on the floor.
“I don’t want to annoy you” I said.
“You could never annoy me” He said. “Unless its One Tree Hill related!” He smirked obviously trying to make me smile or laugh but ... nothing.
“You’re not stuck with me anymore” I muttered.
“I’m here” he said. I didn’t know what to say. “Why are you googling it?” He asked. “Why do you want to know more about it? Why can’t you for-“
“I can’t just forget” I cut in. “Every second of everyday it’s what’s running through my head, replaying itself. I can’t understand why he would do it? I don’t understand any of it and I want to know!”
“Why?” He asked, shaking his head in thought. “I don’t understand”
“I want to know why he did it? I want to know what drink of mine he spiked. I want to know what happened that night because I don’t remember!” I said, almost shouting at him but not loudly.
“I don’t understand” He said. “I want to understand. I hate seeing you like this”
“I want to get over it” I said. “I don’t want to think about it all the time! I know that I shouldn’t but I can’t help it!” I turned to face him and he still wasn’t looking at me, he was looking towards to door. He wasn’t speaking, he looked like he was thinking.
“Change the subject” I said trying to make the atmosphere in the room less awkward but he still sat there staying at the door. “What’ve you done today?”
“Nothing” He shrugged. “Watched the TV for a bit, came round and saw Archie and then came here to talk to you” I was silent for a minute.
“Why are you lying?” I asked. He saw me earlier. I was sure he did. Why is he lying?
“What?” He said, confused.
“You were at Il Gnosh with Michaela when I was at work” I said, now not looking at him.
“Oh” He said. “She was just sitting with me for someone to sit with”
“Okay” I said, making it clear I didn’t exactly believe him. “Sorry.” I said. “I’m not meant to be as bothered as I am. Am I?” I sighed.
“I’m not meant to be this bothered about you being like this” he said looking around at the mess of my room. “but I am” he sighed. I looked around still not looking at him. I couldn’t look at him. “I was happy when you left” He said. “as bad as that sounds” he laughed slightly. “I thought it’d give me a chance to get over you but it made me worse. I was worried about you. You told me you were going to go talk to Kyle and it was annoying me. I wanted you to phone me. I wanted to phone you” He explained.
“Why didn’t you?” I asked.
“I was –“ He started but my bedroom door opened and Alicia's pram came into my room followed by Gaby.
“What happened in h-?” Gaby started until she realized Zak was sat with on my bed. “I’ll go” she said awkwardly.
“No” Zak said. “It’s okay, I’ll go” He said. “Bye” He was gone in a blink. What was he going to say?


---

First of the decade Better late than never, eh?

Gaby's POV

The 26th of September flew round. Saturday. Relaxing day. And Alicia is officially 2 months old; and a day off being 11 weeks old. It’s strange. Everyone expects two months to be 8 weeks old, when really it’s not. I can’t believe it’s been that long. Nearly 11 weeks – it doesn’t make any sense! It still feels like yesterday I realised I was having her, yet it feels like she’s always been here. I feel like my life only truly started when she came into it. It revolves around her now. Strange how that happens. No one understands motherhood before you enter it yourself.

I pulled Alicia into a standing position on the floor – not that she could stay that way. Her legs wobbled and after 5 seconds she fell towards me. I scooped her up and sat her on my knee. The carpet felt soft. I had it professionally cleaned… Kris encouraged me to. He thought it would be better for her health. Idiot. I don’t think he realises that hovering would be fine, but I’m not complaining. My carpet’s fluffy again!
“Coffee?” Rhys asked, coming out of the kitchen.
“Ergh, no? Do you know me at all?” I laughed, trying to get Alicia to stand up yet again.
“Oh, right. You hate coffee. Sorry.” He smiled, “Tea?”
“Sure!” I smiled, as Alicia fell again. I kissed her and lay her on the floor, giving her a teddy to play with. “Can you watch her for a moment whilst I go to the loo, please?” I asked, already walking towards the bathroom. One thing I always used to think was how can anyone leave a little child alone for even a second, but I have a connection with Alicia. I feel like I know what she’s doing and how she’ll react to anything. It’s like I know if she’ll be safe or not. I heard Rhys’s murmur of reply once I’d already closed the bathroom door. Another thing I loved, and didn’t think would ever happen; Rhys loves Alicia, and Kris is fine with it. They both seem to get on all right now… well, around me. I don’t know what it’s like outside this flat, and I’m not going to ask. Kris asks Rhys how she’s been, what’s going on, what she’s done – and he never really seems miffed that he’s missed out on spending the day with her. He usually has her for an hour every night, but he knows he can have her anytime he wants for as long as he wants. I’m trying to make sure he realises that I’m not thinking I’m her only parent, and he’s the one she goes to when I need I babysitter. I’m trying to make us seem like a kind of family, despite the fact me and Kris aren’t together. We’re great friends, and it’s really easy for us to get along… but I’m not sure he feels like he can see Alicia whenever he wants. He always asks me first, and I don’t like that.

-

“Lorna! You – me - Cinema. Tonight?” I said down the phone, before she could even say hello.
“Gaby! No – way – essay – due – in - tomorrow.”
“Aw, please?” I begged. “I haven’t gone out in like… 4 months.” I put Alicia into a little ring-chair-thing Becka bought her, and then walked through to the kitchen.
“But… Essay.” She whined.
“But… fun!” I said happily. “I'll help you with your essay, if you like?”
“Really? Because you know how to Critically Evaluate the Implications of Current Child Policy for the Welfare of Children?” She asked, seeming quite amused.
“Well, no… but I can tell you how to write your sentences and stuff!” I smiled to myself.
“I don’t need you to do that.”
“Hey! In highschool, your use of good English could give you better marks. So Ha!”
“I’m not in highschool anymore.”
“I reckon it’s pretty much the same here.”
“Why do you only reckon that?” Lorna laughed.
“I’ve taken English. If I don’t use good English, I don’t get any marks.”
“Right.” She laughed again. There was a bit of a silence.
“So! Cinema? Yes?” I let her think about it.
“Okay, but if I fail-”
“-Yeah, I get it. My fault - etc etc -rot in hell. I’ve heard the lecture a billion times and you’ve never failed. Okay! I'll be at halls in like, an hour to drop Alicia off with Kris and then we’ll discuss.”
“Alright then.”
“Bye.” I said cheerily, before hanging up. I went back through to the living room to check on Alicia. She was fast asleep. Too bad I now had to feed her and get her ready for Kris.

-

The halls flat seemed very quiet. When I walked in, no one was around. I stopped the pram behind the sofa, out of the way, and picked Alicia up. She was fast asleep, and didn’t like the fact I was waking her up. She was balanced on my hip, and then her head slowly fell to my shoulder as she went back to sleep. I smiled and walked towards Kris’s door. I knocked once before walking in. He was sat as his desk.
“Want Alicia for a little while?” I asked, smiling. He turned around and gave me a look.
“I can’t.” He seemed a little upset.
“You’re kidding.” I sighed. He stood up and took her out of my arms. She made a screaming noise, but then she seemed to realise who it was that was taking her and settled again. Alicia's not so good with strangers – which I suppose you could say is good, but also really annoying! If anyone other than me, Kris, Rhys and sometimes Lorna holds her, after a few seconds she’ll get really upset. With some people, she’ll eventually calm down, especially if I’m there. But with others, it’s like hell.
“Sorry, I’ve got a date.” He turned away from me at that moment and went and sat on the bed.
“A date? Really? Wow. With who?” I asked, extremely intrigued.
“You don’t know her.”
“Name? I know more people than you give me credit for.” I said, frowning.
“Amelia Draven?”
“Oh, her.”
“You know her?” He asked, surprised.
“No…”
He laughed.
“Well, have fun.” I smiled. “You okay with her for a couple of minutes whilst I see if anyone else is in to watch her?”
“Oh, you’re going out?” He asked, finally catching on.
“Yeah, I was planning on going to the cinema but it doesn’t matter if I can’t find a babysitter. Won’t be a minute.” I walked out of the room and straight across to Rhys’s. I opened the door, he wasn’t there. I went over to Natalie’s room. She wasn’t there either. Damn it! I went back into Kris’s.
“Can I borrow your phone?” I asked him, already reaching for it.
“Sure…” He gave me a confused look.
“Mines buried under stuff in the pram.” I explained, looking for Zak’s number. It wasn’t there. “Why don’t you have Zak’s number?”
“In case you haven’t noticed Gaby, me and him haven’t spoken in a while.”
“Jesus, yeah. Remember I’ve been a bit out of it recently. I hate not living here.” I cringed. “Right, you don’t by any chance have Sam’s or Ella’s… or Ben’s number? Do you? Or Luke’s actually. Or anyone from there!”
He laughed at me. “Sorry, no.”
“Jerk.” I muttered, smiling and putting his phone down on the table. I walked out the room and got my phone out of the pram. Time to find a babysitter.

-

“Bad news.” I said, walking into Lorna’s room. She was lying on her bed, giving me a confused look.
“How long have you been here?” She asked, eyes wide.
“Oh yeah, I forgot I hadn’t said hi to you… Hi!”
“Hey…” She sat up. “Bad news?”
“No one can watch Alicia.”
“Oh. So I have to do my essay then?”
“Yeah, but would you mind if I hang out here?”
“Of course not” She smiled, “now where’s my favourite best friend’s child?”
“With your favourite best friend’s child’s father.” I told her. She thought about it for a second.
“With Kris then?”
“Yes.” I answered. She jumped up and rushed through there. Recently Lorna seems to be different every day. Sometime she can be further down than the dumps, and other time she can be higher than the clouds. It honestly worries me. I followed her through to Kris’s room.
“She looks so cute.” She was whispering, as Kris lay Alicia on his bed.
“No need to whisper. She sleeps through most noises.” I told Lorna. She went and sat next to her, reaching out to stroke her face. I wanted to protest and tell her not to touch her, because she might wake up. Alicia hadn’t slept yet today, which isn’t good. The less sleep she gets in the day, the less she sleeps at night.
“So where are you going?” Lorna asked Kris, as he put some shoes on.
“Out.” He replied, not looking at her.
“Where?” She asked, but this time she looked at me. Kris did too.
“Why are you both looking at me?” I asked, feeling under pressure.
“I’m going on a date.” Kris answered, turning away from me and looking at Lorna.
“Ha!” Lorna laughed, and I gave her a look. “Oh, what? You’re serious?”
“Thanks for the moral support.” Kris said sarcastically.
“Sorry, I just… I don’t know, didn’t expect it.” She replied, before looking straight at me. She gave me a sort of sympathetic look. I felt my forehead crease.
“Anyway, do you want Alicia until you go or would you rather I had her?” I asked, changing the subject.
“I'll have her.” He said, happily. I nodded and me and Lorna walked out of his room and towards Lorna’s.
“A date?” She asked, as soon as his door was closed. “Kris? A date?”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“Well, last time I spoke to him he was still…” She trailed off.
“Still..?” I pressed on for more.
“Totally in love with you.” She finished, collapsing onto her own bed.
“Yes, but things change.” I told her. “I’m just so glad he’s finally over me.”
“I wouldn’t say he was.”
“Really? Why not?”
“Gaby, when he said it, he was so hesitant. He seemed like he was asking for your permission.” She sighed.
“No he didn’t!” I protested, rolling my eyes. “That’s ridiculous.”
“I’m just saying what I saw.”
“Well then you need your eyes testing.” I muttered, sitting at her desk. There was a brief silence.
“Want to watch 27 dresses?” Lorna asked.
“What about your essay?”
“Screw it. It’s Laby time.” She winked and starting rooting through her drawers for the film.

-

“Lorna here’s your – Gaby?” Rhys opened Lorna’s door, sending a stream of light across the dark room. He was squinting, obviously his eyes hadn’t focused in the light.
“Hi.” I smiled, and waved. Alicia was still asleep in the pram, which was just behind me.
“What are you doing here?” Rhys asked, handing Lorna a bag from Drive ‘n’ Buy.
“I came to hang out with Lorna. Isn’t that allowed?”
“Of course it is.” He said, kneeling down next to me and giving me a kiss. He held onto him a little longer than usual, just because it was dark and I haven’t seen him all day.
“I’ve got work in 10 minutes, so I need to get ready.”
“Boo.” I pretended to be upset, although I already knew he had work.
“I'll see you later.” He kissed me again, and then walked out the room.
“What was he bringing to you?” I asked Lorna. She held up a Heat magazine and Strawberry milkshake. “Nice…” I laughed. Just as she was about to press play on the dvd player, the door opened again.
“Lor-na.” Natalie sobbed and walked in, turning the light on as she did. Her eyes were red and puffed up. Her mascara had run all down her face, and she looked broken.
“Natalie!” Lorna jumped up and rushed over to her. “What’s wrong?”
“G-Gaby. Oh.” She cleared her throat. “It d-doesn’t matter. I j-just need to t-talk to you lat-ter, if that’s alr-right.” Natalie struggled to catch her breath.
“Are you okay?” I asked, moving to get up.
“I’m fine. Honest. B-Bye.” She rushed out before I could even stand.
“What was that about?” I asked Lorna. She just stood there, staring at the door. “What does she want to talk to you about that I can’t know about?” I tried again. Lorna was quiet.
“I don’t know.” She finally said, and then she settled back to the film. It confused me. Why was Natalie upset? It honestly looked like a broken heart to me, but I hadn’t known she was dating anyone. She had the same look and tone from when she split with Justin. I don’t understand… Why can’t she tell me? I thought we were really good friends. Obviously, I was completely wrong.

Lorna’s POV

“NO!” I shouted as he gripped my arm as tight as he could pinning me up against the wall. Tears were streaming from my eyes as I struggled to break free from his grip. “STOP!” I screeched. He put one hand around both of my wrists and held them up above my head as he used his other hand to unzip my dress. His face inches away from mine. Then he slipped his hand in and ran his fingers across my stomach. “STOP!” I screamed again louder this time as he pulled me across to the bed with the hand he had around my wrist. My attempt to stand failed; My legs collapsed underneath me like I’d lost control of my own body. I gulped as he threw me onto the bed and pulled my dress off of me. I tried to pull it back from him but my arm just fell back down onto the bed. He threw my dress onto the floor and climbed onto the bed so he was lying on top of me. He began to kiss my neck as beads of sweat appeared on my forehead. As much as I tried I couldn’t move a single inch of my body. It was as if my body and my head weren’t connected anymore. He moved slowly down my body, kissing my neck, my chest, my stomach before reaching my underwear. I screamed as hard as I could. Hoping that someone would hear me. Someone would help.
“LORNA!” Someone shouted as I slowly came back into the real word. They grabbed my shoulders and picking my body up from the bed and began to shake me – in an attempt to save me from my nightmare. “Is she okay?” another person asked.
“Does she do this often?” The American accent stood out from the others. My eyes slowly opened and I noticed everyone surrounding me, looking concerned. Natalie, Archie, Kris and Cameron were all stood in my room watching me as I came back to my senses with concerned looks on all of their faces. My bedroom light was on cause me to try to look away from the light. Zak was sat on the bed beside me, holding me.
“You were screaming” Natalie said still sounding tired. “You sounded like you were in so much pain” She said, concerned. Moving through the guys and sitting down on the bed beside me. The minute she sat down on the bed I exploded into tears. Zak pulled me in tighter and wrapped both off his arms around me and my head rested on his shoulder.
“It’s over” he whispered into my ear. He was making it more obvious that this wasn’t just a random nightmare. I could feel everyone stood behind me staring at us.
“I knew you shouldn’t have watched that film earlier” Archie said but speaking more softly toward me than he usually does. “Anyway, you’re alive. I’m off back to bed” He said, going back to being Archie as he left my room and Cameron followed. My head was still rested on Zak’s shoulder with my eyes clamped tightly shut in an attempt to stop my tears.
“That wasn’t about the film was it?” Kris asked sympathetically moving toward my bed and taking a seat beside Natalie. I shook my head, still enclosed in Zak’s grip. He wasn’t going to let go but I was glad. I couldn’t look at anyone. They were all concerned yes, but more curious, desperate to find out why I was screaming in the middle of the night.
“What’s going on?” Natalie asked running her hand through my hair. “You’ve not been normal for weeks”
“Do you know what’s wrong?” Kris asked, directing it at Zak. Which shocked me, they’ve not spoken in weeks and it’s all my fault.That wasn’t like Kris. He would’ve said something sarcastic about how I’ve never been normal. I felt Zak nod his head beside me.
“Lorna, do you want me and Kris to leave?” Natalie asked. I began to shake my head although it slowly turned into a nod.
“Okay” Natalie said unwillingly. “I hope your okay Looney” She said sounding worried as she reluctantly stood up off of my bed and moved toward my bedroom door. “You do know you can talk to me about anything” She said. Zak let go off me and I turned to face her and nodded trying to force myself to smile.
“Night” Kris said, obviously as a last resort, not knowing what else to say. I could tell he didn’t want to leave. Part of me wondered if he knew, if Gaby had told him or Zak.
“Was it about what happened on your birthday?” Zak asked softly and I nodded as he let me go out of his arms and he turned.
“I could see him” I gulped. “He was attacking me but I couldn’t do anything. My body was practically paralysed and I just lay there as he” I sobbed.
“Shh” Zak said, barely a whisper. He put his hand up against my cheek and used his thumb to lightly brush my tears away. He picked up my bed covers and pulled it back off of my bed as if he was telling me to get back into bed.
“I can’t go back to sleep” I said quickly. I don’t want another nightmare.
“I’m not leaving you” He said. “Just lie down”
I did as he said and I climbed into my bed and Zak climbed in beside me.
“We’re at the wrong side” He said.
“What?” I sniffed.
“Of the bed” He paused. “You’re usually on the outside of the bed and I’m on the inside”
I laughed slightly.
“A smile!” He said. “That’s better”
“Yeah” I said. There was an awkward silence. This was strange. “What can we talk about?”
“The fact that I missed a Liverpool game earlier and I still don’t know the score!” He huffed.
“It’s 3 am! Didn’t you check it?” I asked as I wiped my tears away from my eyes.
“Well I’m here! So I don’t have my laptop!” He said as if I was clueless.
“Archie’s?”
“It was loading in the living room when you –“ He paused.
I stopped for a minute. “Did I just scream?”
“You were shouting” He said. “So I came through to see what you were shouting and when I got to your door. You screamed and the second I came into your room everyone else was there behind me”
“I woke everyone up” I sighed.
“If you weren’t upset you’d be laughing” He said.
“You can check the score on my phone” I said trying to change the subject.
“Thanks” He said reaching his hand over and flicking up my phone. He smiled slightly as he flicked up my phone. “Love your picture” He said sarcastically, looking at a picture of me and him on my phone. I love that picture. It’s a picture I took on Christmas Eve. I don’t even remember taking it but I love it.
“I Love it!” I said defensively.
“Look at me!” He said, with a hint of laughter in his voice. “I look pissed!”
“You are pissed!” I smiled. He looked at the picture again and then I could actually see him realise when it was taken.
“Christmas Eve!” He said with a smile.
“Yeah!” I said, smiling as I moved round onto my side and watched him look at the picture. He sat there and looked at it for a while before his expression on his face changed.
“Why haven’t you changed it?” He asked. I stopped. I don’t know what to say.
“I don’t want to change it” I said and he didn’t respond. His face didn’t change. He just sat there still watching my phone. “I don’t want us to be over. I want to go back to that!” I said gesturing to my phone. “I know I slept with Kris, Zak and I’m sorry. Ask Kris, all I did that night was talk about you! I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone! And I know you don’t think that’s true because of what I did but you’ve seen me when I’m drunk!” I stopped, “And on my birthday my friends were sick of hearing about you they were making a fool of me saying that you’d became a one tree hill level obsession!” He smiled slightly as I said that part. “But you’re not!” the smile disappeared. “You’re more than that! If I could go back and undo that night I’d happily never watch One Tree Hill ever again!” I said, with a slight smile on my face. “Zak I’d do anything to be with you again!” I said. “I love you. I love how when you’re embarrassed it’s the tips of your ears that go red! I love how when you’re your seriously thinking about something knee bounces! I love listening to you singing in the shower! Even when it’s football songs! I love everything about you Zak. I love how that even though I hurt you like that you still care. I love how you’re here with me right now.” I said, pausing for breath. “And I love how you’ve not got up and left me right now when I’m being such a pathetic twat!” He smirked. “I love your cheeky grin as well!” I said even beginning to sound pathetic. I looked at him and he looked at me and our eyes met and we both just lay there for a few minutes looking at each other. Is he going to say something? Ever?
“I don’t know what to say” He said, looking at that picture on my phone. “I love you too” He said. “And I always will but” he paused. “I’m scared” He said. He had stopped looking at me.
“What of?” I said.
“Before this mess happened you said to me I’ll love you forever Zakky” He said. “And at that moment I actually thought we were going to be forever and then –“he said. “you slept with my best friend. I know you were drunk and I know what you’re like when you’re drunk” He said. “But I’m scared that if we get back to the way we were you’ll do that to me again”
“Zak” I said expecting him to turn round and look at me but he didn’t and it was deliberate. “When I said forever I meant it! It was after I had that dream –“ I said.
“What dream?” He said, sounding confused.
“Erm” I said.
“You can’t just say after that dream and then not explain!” He said, “You hate it when people give up explaining something to you”
“I dreamt that it was Christmas Day” I paused.
“And?” He asked, turning to face me.
“Well me and you were sleeping and then –“ I paused.
“Then?” He asked.
“Our kids” I smirked awkwardly, now I the one was looking away from him. “came to wake us up! And I loved that dream! It was one of those dreams I wanted to be real when I woke up! Zak when I said that I’d love you forever I meant it!” I said. “and I still mean it!”
“How come you didn’t tell me about your dream when it happened?” He asked. I was still not looking at him.
“Because we’re still young! And we’d been going out like 6 months! People get freaked out by crazy stuff like that!” I said.
“I wouldn’t have” He said. “It sounds exactly like what I wanted”
“wanted” I sighed.
“I can’t just forget” he said. “I just, don’t know whether I can trust you again”
“I know you just can forget” I said. “But I will spend forever making it up to you and I’m not drinking again, I promise”
“You not drinking?” He laughed slightly.
“After that thing with Kyle –“ I said, and the atmosphere in the room went back to serious again. “I just, I don’t see the point in being stupid and getting drunk.”
“I get what you mean” He said.
“I almost sounded mature there” I laughed. “I’m still crying” I said, randomly pointing it out.
“I wish you’d stop” He said lying further down into my bed and wiping my tears away on both sides the way he’d done earlier.
“I also love your eyes!” I said. “I mean they’re hardly on a McAvoy level but-“ I paused
“Stop” he said. There was an awkward silence as we both lie there on my bed. “I can’t sleep here” he announced sliding out of my bed.
“Zak –“ I said, gulped back the tears that were still flowing.
“I’m sorry” He said as he turned and walked straight out of the door without looking back at me. The tears continued to flow but these were over Zak.

--

“What so now Rhys is back it’s just bye bye Lorna?!” I said, sticking out my bottom lip as Gaby went to leave my room. She’d been here for ages. We’d watched a couple of DVDs and it was honestly one of the funest – Yeah, that’s not a word – times I’d had with Gaby in ages!
“Yup” She smiled jokingly as she attempted to turn Alicia's pram so it’d go out the door. “You’ve got Natalie to speak to. And an essay to do”
“Oh” I said. I forgot I had lied about my essay. I’d done it last night when I couldn’t sleep and earlier when Gaby wanted me to go out I just really didn’t want to. I was in the mood just to stay in bed all day but now she’s been over, I’m glad she came because we had a laugh and it had cheered me up, slightly. “So I do.” I said, crawling down below my bed and grabbing a box of jaffa cakes and a box set of One Tree Hill as Gaby manoeuvred Alicia's pram through the door.
“Oh” She said turning on her heels so she was facing back into the room. “Are you definitely coming over tomorrow?”
“Yeah” I said. “I’ll come over between lectures and dancing”
“Dancing?” She asked with a slight smile creeping over her face.
“Yup” I sighed.
“Explain” She laughed slightly.
“Steph needed someone to help her at her dance classes a few weeks ago and I did an okay job so” I smiled slightly. “I now work there too”
“You. Dancing?” She asked.
“It’s fun!” I said defensively. “I did the warm up which was just jumping about to music”
“Right” She laughed. “See you later”
“Love you!! Much more than Rhys does!” I said before releasing how true that was. I let Gaby push the pram up to the living room before walking out my door, down the corridor and straight into Natalie’s room. She was lay there spread over her bed on her stomach, crying into her pillow.
“What did that ass do now?”I demanded as I plonked myself down on her bed sitting the jaffa cakes and one tree hill down beside me. She rolled over and sat up on her bed.
“He’s not an ass” She said defensively, her voice wavering as she was trying not to cry.
“Yes he is!” I said. “He’s messing about with you and he’s messing about with Gaby!! He’s a liar and a cheat! I despise him”
“You’re a cheat!” She said harshly.
“Thanks” I said, frowning instantly.
“I’m sorry” She sighed. “I’m not in the best mood”
“I’ve noticed” I frowned. “Natalie, you know I didn’t mean to sleep with Kris”
“I know it was a mistake Lorna” She said. “I just don’t believe you managed to fuck up things up with Zak! You two were gonna be together forever! And have loads of babies! And they’d call me Auntie Natalie!” She said.
“Don’t make me cry again!” I frowned. “Back to the subject, what did the ass do?”
“We broke up”
“You told me it was over ages ago Natalie!” I snapped. “You promised me!”
“It was” She said becoming awkward. “But then”
“I don’t think I want to know” I stated.
“I love him” She said. “But he loves Gaby more than he loves me”
“Doesn’t it hurt you when you see him with Gaby?” I said. “Why haven’t you told Gaby?”
“I don’t want to lose him” She sighed.
“He needs to be lost!” I said.
“I don’t want Gaby to hate me either” She said moving her eyes downward and fiddling about with the damp sleeve of her jumper.
“Natalie! Stop being so fucking stupid!” I shouted. “This is NEVER going to work out! If you don’t tell Gaby soon. This is all going to come out and you’re going to lose both of them! Instead of just Rhys. Don’t get me wrong I like Rhys. He’s a good guy – w ell he acts like he is when really this is going on behind everyone’s backs! He doesn’t love you! He’s using you because he knows there’s still something going on between Gaby and Kris and there ALWAYS will be!”
“NO! You need to stop being so fucking pathetic!” She screamed back at me through her tears. “You’re still crying yourself to sleep at night over Zak when you were the one who fucked up in the first place! It happened weeks ago! And he’s over it! Well over it! He’s out on a date right now!!”
“With who?” I muttered.
“Michaela McQueen” She said bitterly. “She’s definitely much better than you were for him! You need to grow up and realise you’re not gonna get him back!! Life is not an episode of One Tree Hill!! People don’t cheat on each other and then get back together and things go back to being perfect! It’s NEVER going to happen! You need to fucking get a life and realise it!” I felt like my heart had been ripped out, Natalie had jumped up and down on before sticking it in the shredder and then sticking it back into my chest. I stood up off of Natalie’s bed and paced up the corridor as tears poured down my face. I don’t believe she said that. She’s meant to be one of my best friends.
“Lorna, What’s up?” Gaby said, getting up from the couch as she saw the mascara streaming down my face.
“Nothing” I replied quickly, grabbing my purse off of the worktop and heading toward the door but I stopped when I realised Natalie was storming up the corridor after me.
“Lorna, I’m sorry” She said. “You know I didn’t mean it”
“You did” I choked.
“What did you say?!” Gaby asked, coming over and standing in between us. While the guys – except Zak and Kris – and Ben sat there on the couch watching us. Rhys had a mortified but confused look on his face.
“NOTHING!” me and Natalie both screamed at Gaby at the exact same time. Alicia let out a piercing cry. We’d obviously woke her up.
“Thanks!” Gaby said snidely as she walked over towards Alicia's pram. “Sssh” She said as she picked her up.
“Sorry Gaby” I said more quietly.
“Now you’re quiet” She snapped. The front door opened and all of us jumped looking at the door.
“Who are you?!” Archie demanded as Tazmyn – one of my closest friends from back home - stood there in the door with tears in her eyes.
“Lorna, Tell me he’s lying! Tell me he’s playing some sick joke?!” I couldn’t speak.
“Tell me he didn’t drug you and rape you?” She said, her voice breaking half way through her sentence.
“Lorna, what’s she on about?” Archie asked sounding concerned.
“Lorna?!” Tazmyn begged. “I just wanna know the truth!”
I wiped my eyes and turned to face Tazmyn.
“He did” The words escaped from my mouth and were practically inaudible. “He drugged me, He waited till the drug took control over my body” I stopped and wiped my eyes, “Then he dragged me back to the hotel room where he bet me up, stripped me and then raped me while I lay unconscious on the bed”

Gaby's POV

Silence is complicated. Sometimes it’s used in the best of situations, to signify that someone is so insanely happy that there are no words. Sometimes it’s used in the worst situations, to show someone’s pure anger or hatred towards another person. And sometimes it’s used in the most awkward and outrageously difficult situations, to create the worst effect possible after hearing terrible news.
This silence was different. Unlike other silences, this one lasted forever. I literally watched the second hand of the clock go round and round and round, until finally Alicia's piercing cry ended it. Almost everyone in the room jumped. I did myself. Is it strange that I’d completely forgotten I was holding my 11 week old daughter in my arms?
“Shh, Alicia.” I held her over my shoulder, and after a few seconds her cries became hiccups.
“What?” Archie looked confused.
“I don’t understand.” Natalie whispered.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Rhys demanded.
“Who?” Ben muttered, obviously confused and shocked.
“Is this what the screaming was about?” Archie asked again. Suddenly the silence turned into a vast amount of volume as everyone asked Lorna question after question. She didn’t answer any of them. She just stood there, her eyes filling with tears.
“Guys! Give it a rest.” I shouted, handing Alicia over to Rhys. I walked round to Lorna and gave her a hug. The girl that had confronted Lorna in front of everyone stood silently against the wall, tears streaming down her face. Everyone was quiet now. Shocked, confused, feeling guilty.
“Are you okay?” I asked Lorna. She shook her head. “Want to go through to your room?” She shook her head again.
“Lorna, why didn’t you tell me?” The girl asked her. I noticed that she was Scottish. An old friend of Lorna’s then, I’m guessing.
“What did you want me to do?! Waltz up to you and say, ‘by the way, last night I got raped’?! I don’t think you understand how hard this is.” Lorna closed her eyes. “I’m going out.”
“Wait.” Natalie jumped forwards, grabbing her arm.
“Let go of me.” Lorna forced her arm away. “The last person I want around right now is you, Natalie.” She said through gritted teeth. What the hell has Natalie done?
“Lorna…” Natalie whined, but before she could do anything Lorna had stormed out, followed by her friend seconds later. Nobody spoke. I waited for someone to say something, but nothing happened.
“I’m going to take off.” I finally said, walking over to Rhys so I could take Alicia back.
“Me too.” Ben said, standing up.
“Oh, right.” Rhys said, giving Alicia to me. I lay her on the sofa and started putting her coat on.
“Did you know about this?” Archie asked me as I buttoned Alicia's coat up. I didn’t answer.
“Gabs?” Natalie asked, walking towards me.
“Yes.” I said, not looking at anybody.
“What?” Natalie shrieked. Alicia jumped and then started to cry. Natalie didn’t even apologise. “Why would she tell you and not me?!”
“Natalie!” I said shocked. “What the hell is the matter with you?!” I screamed at her.
“Nothing.” She said bitterly. She was glaring at me.
“Why are you giving me that look?” I asked her.
“I just-” She looked to my left, directly at Rhys. “Never mind.” She turned and stormed down to her bedroom, slamming her door behind her.
“Right.” I wasn’t in a good mood now. “I'll see you later.” I turned to Rhys and kissed him on the cheek, before turning back to Alicia, picking her up and putting her in her pram. Ben walked out with me, and I headed home.

-

I heard knocking at my door. It was gone 3am, and I’d only just got Alicia back off to sleep. There’s no way I was going to answer it. I closed my eyes, wishing them to go away so I could sleep. My phone started ringing next. I dived for it, hoping Alicia would sleep through it.
“Hello?” I whispered quickly.
“Gaby, can you please let me in?” Zak’s voice sounded loud in my ear.
“What? Yeah sure. Didn’t I give you a key?” I asked, reluctantly getting out of bed and heading to my front door. I turned the light on and started unlocking the door.
“Yeah, you did-” He stopped talking down the phone because the door was now open. “-But I’ve not been home yet.”
“Oh, to live like a student again.” I sighed and tilted my head. He frowned.
“I’m not a student anymore. It’s my day off tomorrow.” He corrected me.
“Why are you here? I’m so tired.” I walked towards my sofa and collapsed on it, head down on the cushion.
“Lorna’s not been back to halls yet, but Tazmyn’s there and we’re worried. Have you seen her?”
“I’m guessing Tazmyn’s the girl that told everyone. Erh. Where were you? How do you know about everything?”
“Rhys rang me.” Zak answered. “Have you seen her?”
“No. Not since she ran out and Tazmyn followed.” I told him. “Look, she’ll be fine. She just needs to be alone.”
“But what if-”
“Zak, leave her to calm down. It’s been 6 hours. Just relax. After a day, then we can go crazy.” I yawned. “Now please can I sleep? This is the first time Alicia seems to be sleeping quite well through the night, and now you’re waking me up.”
“Right. Sorry.” He nodded. “I'll see you later.”
“Night.” I said, as he walked out my flat.

-

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t extremely worried right now.
Zak sent me a text about 10 seconds ago say Lorna still wasn’t home, and it’s nearly 10am. She has work in about 5 minutes. Where could she have gone without telling any of us? I told him I was on my way round, because I am. I got Alicia dressed, fed and ready to leave and then I sorted myself out. Once I was completely ready, I put Alicia in her pram and rushed to Halls.
As soon as I walked through the door, things didn’t seem normal. For one, the unknown girl - whose name I now knew but I’ve completely forgotten seeing as it was 3am – was sitting at the counter, strumming her fingers impatiently on the white surface. Zak was also in there, pacing up and down the room. Rhys sat at the sofa, tv off and phone pressed against his ear. I could hear other voices down the corridor arguing.
“What’s going on?” I asked, walking through the door. Alicia had fallen asleep on the way up here, but she had now opened her eyes. Any second now she’d scream.
“Lorna’s vanished.” The girl answered.
“Well, you followed her. Where did she go?” I snapped, not meaning to be rude but this girl had now caused Lorna a hell of a lot of trouble that she really didn’t need.
“I don’t know. She went down this side alley and by the time I turned down it she’d completely disappeared. I don’t know this area.” She answered. I glared at her. She had dark red hair, that was quite close to being brown, and she’s big built – but not fat… not skinny either but not fat. Her lip was also pierced, and it just made her look immature and a bit chavvy. I don’t like her already. Erh. As horrible as this sounds, most of Lorna’s Scottish mates have not been that nice, so just this girl’s accent is putting me off.
“Look, this isn’t my fault.” The girl said, defending herself.
“Tazmyn’s right.” Zak said to me. Tazmyn! Of course. “It’s no one’s fault. This was bound to happen eventually.”
“You weren’t here Zak. It was just… so dramatic.” I said, as Alicia began to whine. I pushed the pram back and forwards, but it didn’t fool her. She let out a very loud scream. Great. I picked her up and she settled pretty quickly. I took her coat off whilst I was still holding her and threw it in the pram. She was happier once that was off, smiling at Zak – and even Tazmyn.
“She gorgeous.” Tazmyn smiled back.
“Thanks, I know.” I replied, giving her a small smile. A door behind me opened and everyone turned to see who it was. Kris emerged, looking very tired but he held his hands out straight away for Alicia, who smiled and went to him happily.
“Why’s everyone here and up?” Kris asked, yawning and looking around. “Oh. Hi.” He said, spotting Tazmyn.
“Hi, I’m Tazmyn.” She smiled politely at him.
“Kris, you haven’t seen Lorna anywhere, have you?” Zak asked, not looking directly at him. Their feud still hadn’t ended.
“No, I haven’t. Why?” Kris directed this at me, knowing very well that Zak didn’t really want to talk to him.
“Something’s happened.” I muttered. “And someone will tell you in a minute. Look, I’m going to go look for her – can someone watch Alicia whilst I’m-”
The flat door swung open before I could finish my sentence, and banged against the glass wall.
“Woops – shhhh.” Lorna’s voice whispered. I walked forwards so I could see better, and she was bending over, laughing and holding her finger to her lips – physically telling the door to be quiet.
“Lorna?” Zak asked, walking past me and towards her.
“Zak! Hello.” She smiled and held her hands up for a hug. He accepted this and she just slumped into his arms. She had an empty bottle of vodka in her hand, and there were leafs in her hair. “Aw, everybody’s here.” Lorna clapped her hands together and pulled away from Zak. “We should-” she suddenly gasped with excitement, “-We should have a party!”
“Lorna? Where have you been?” Kris asked, holding Alicia protectively against his side.
“I don’t know. Some place.” She giggled. “With buckets… and stuff.” She laughed again. “I’m going to get a drink.” She stumbled towards the cupboard, getting a glass out and then going over to the sink.
“Lorna, what’ve you been doing all night?” Zak asked as she turned the tap on. She held the glass upside down under the sink, and then brought it to her lips. She seemed extremely confused when she noticed nothing came out.
“Let me..” Zak took the glass from her and filled it – but by the time he’d done it she’d walked away.
“Aw-haw. Baby Alicia.” Lorna was heading for her. I gave Kris a look and he took a step back from Lorna. “Right, the rape victim’s not allowed near a child. Of course.”
“What?” Kris said loudly. He looked at Lorna shocked, then to me, then back to her. “What?!” He demanded again.
“Ha ha ha. Look at you, freaking out. Big… silly head.” Lorna smiled widely, leaning up against the wall. She wasn’t really looking at anyone, just talking. “Stupid thing is, you won’t let me near a child when I’m having one myself. Idiots.”
“What?!” Me, Zak, Kris, Rhys and Tazmyn all said at the exact same time.
“I think…” Lorna added on, hugging her bottle to her. She giggled. “Isn’t that fantastic?” She suddenly sounded sour. “Isn’t it amazing that I could have a little one of those in a few months time?” She laughed, but it didn’t sound humorous. “Isn’t it funny that I don’t have a fucking clue who the hell the father is?!” She suddenly shrieked, throwing the vodka bottle at the floor. It smashed into a thousand pieces, scattering all over the floor. Alicia started crying.
“Oops. Someone made the baby upset.” Lorna bit her lip, like a confronted child. I walked towards Alicia, but Kris was already taking her as far away from Lorna as possible, without leaving the room. He managed to settle her quickly.
“Lorna,” Zak walked towards her, and she turned. “Hey.” He said.
“Hi.” She smiled, suddenly completely dazed.
“Lorna, do you really think you’re pregnant?” He asked, brushing his hand down her arm and heading for her hand.
“Yes.” She nodded, and then giggled. “Fantastic.”
“Who – who do you think the Dad is?” Zak asked again, trying to make sure he didn’t get her angry again.
“I don’t know.” She tilted her head to the side. “You, Kris… or Him.” Within a second the giggling turned to anger again. “Kyle…” Her voice was so bitter.

“Okay, I think you need to go to bed.” Zak said, and I moved forwards.
“I'll sort her out.” I said, and Zak nodded. I put one hand on Lorna’s shoulder and another on her back, directing her towards her bedroom. I expected Tazmyn to follow, but she didn’t. I lay Lorna on her bed, despite her protesting and took her shoes off for her.
“Whatcha doing?” Lorna asked, sitting up. I shoved her back down.
“I’m helping you.”
“With what?” She sat up again. I pushed her back and she laughed.
“Lorna – go to sleep and get sober.” I muttered, pulling the duvet cover over her.
“I’m not tired.”
“You will be.” I told her. I was angry with her, and I don’t know why. A part of me seemed to crumble apart when I heard she could be pregnant with Kris’s child. It shouldn’t have, but for some reason I feel like that child will be more loved than Alicia… by Kris anyway. I know that isn’t true at all, but I can’t help jealousy.
“Okay. Night night.” She turned over and within seconds her heavy breathing confirmed she was asleep. I walked out the room, turning the lights off on my way.
“She okay?” Tazmyn asked, standing up. Rhys was clearing up the glass on the floor and Kris and Zak were sat on different sofas – but this time Zak had Alicia.
“She’s asleep already.” I said, walking back out. “Oh my God.” I closed my eyes and fell forwards onto the back of the sofa. “Why does she keep so much to herself?” I asked, standing up straight again and staring out the window.
“I don’t know.” Zak muttered.
“Can someone please explain everything to me?” Kris asked, looking first at Tazmyn then at me. When Tazmyn didn’t speak, I was about to… but Zak beat me to it.
“When Lorna was with friends on her birthday, her ex-boyfriend – Kyle – drugged her, beat her up and then raped her.” He explained to him.
“Oh… God.” Kris looked horrified. “That’s just – God. Why didn’t any of us know?”
“Well…” Zak looked at me. “Me and Gaby have known pretty much the whole time.”
“You have?” Kris gave me a shocked look.
“Kris, I’m not going to betray my best friends trust and tell you something she didn’t want anyone to know.” I said angrily.
“Well did she tell the police?” He questioned. I turned and saw Rhys and Tazmyn listening closely too.
“No.” I answered this time. “She couldn’t do that to Kyle.”
“Are you kidding me?!” Tazmyn suddenly butt in. I took a deep breath and turned to her.
“Why would I joke about this?”
“What is she playing at?” Tazmyn was more talking to herself now.
“I can’t believe she didn’t tell us…” Kris muttered, tilting his head back.
“Can you honestly blame her?” I said back. “If it was me, I wouldn’t want anyone to know.”
“Of course you wouldn’t.” Kris answered back. I was about to argue, but Rhys cut in.
“Look, everyone just stop talking behind her back – okay? Once she’s sobered up, we’ll talk to her separately and nicely… Don’t make this too difficult for her.”
“As strange as this may sound, Rhys is right.” Zak said, looking at Kris and Tazmyn.
“Right, well I’m going to ring Steph and explain why Lorna’s not there.” I said, getting my phone out my pocket and heading for Rhys’s room where I could talk peacefully.
“I have a lecture in 20 minutes.” Kris jumped up and rushed towards the bathroom.
“I have to work.” Zak said, heading for the door. “Someone text me when she’s awake.”
“I'll stay here.” I heard Tazmyn say as I closed Rhys’s door. Great. I’m staying too, so I guess I have to learn to live with Tazmyn…

Lorna's POV

I always thought that when I found out I was pregnant it would be one of the best days of my life. I’d be there in my big house with my husband eagerly awaiting the test to come out positive and the baby would be his, obviously and then once the 3 minutes had passed I’d be phoning everyone happily telling them our news.
I didn’t imagine that I’d be stood there, 20 years old, alone, praying – even though I’m not the slightest bit religious – that the test would be negative. I didn’t imagine that I’d have smuggled a bottle of vodka into the bathroom with me for comfort. I didn’t imagine that I’d be having a serious debate inside my head what to do with the child. I never imagined that I’d be seriously considering aborting the child. I never thought there would be a possibility I would have a child that would be related to one of my best friend’s children. Kris and Gaby are going to be together one day. I would bet all the money in the world on it. I can’t have Kris’s child. I can’t give him his second child before he’s twenty one. I just can’t do this. My watch continued to tick as it sat there beside the sink. 1 minute to go. I couldn’t have Kyle’s child either. I couldn’t have a child that would make me think about what happened that night every time I looked into its eyes or shouted it’s name. 30 seconds to go.
I couldn’t have Zak’s child. He’s moved on. He doesn’t want to be stuck with me forever. Funny thing is that if this had happened before I’d slept with Kris I would’ve been okay with it, i wouldn’t have been ecstatic but I wouldn’t be as terrified as I am now. Terrified, because if a blue line forms on the stick that is sat in front of me now ... I’m screwed. I could be carrying my rapists baby or I could be carrying Zak’s child but I could also being carrying his ex best friend’s. I looked at my watch as it continued to tick. 3 minutes had passed but I couldn’t bring myself to turn over the test.
I took in a deep breath. Reached Out. Flipped it over.
Shit!
I instantly starting twisting the lid of the bottle of vodka. Somehow thinking it would help me. Get me out of this mess. I put the bottle up to my mouth and started gulping it down as tears poured down my face. I held the bottle in one hand as I picked up the pregnancy test with the other and my eyes fixated on that blue line. That line means that there is a baby growing inside me. I took another swig from the bottle.
“Lorna!” Tazmyn banged on the door. “You’ve been in there ages, are you okay?”
I took another swig from the bottle before trying to form a decent enough sounding reply. “Yeah, just out the shower. I’ll be out in 5. Can I get dressed without you or Gabs checking up on me?” I said mockingly.
“Lorna you know I’m not try-“
“I know” I said cutting her off. I started collecting up my stuff. I wrapped my bottle of vodka and the test in my pj’s and stuck it under my shoulder. I unlocked the bathroom door and walked straight to my room as quick as I could, scared Gaby would try to talk to me. I wasn’t in the mood for talking. I wasn’t in the mood for anything. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to drink. I locked my bedroom door the minute I closed it so people couldn’t just walk in. I really doubt I’m Zak’s or Kris’s favourite person in the world right now. I rolled my jammies out again to reveal the bottle of vodka and the test. I picked up the test and looked at it again. I can’t do this. I just can’t. I can’t tell anyone either. I need to talk to someone about it but I can’t. Gaby and Zak are the people here that I’m closest to but I can’t talk to either of them about it. What if it’s Kris’s? How would Gaby feel then? I can’t be having Kris’s kid, I can’t. It would be Alicia's brother or sister. If the kid is Kris’s, I can’t keep it. I don’t want it.
If I talked to Taz, she’ll make me talk to Zak and she’ll make me talk to Kris and I just can’t do that. I walked over to my wardrobe and went straight to the back of my wardrobe and stuck the test into an old pair of trainers I hadn’t worn the whole time I’d been living here in Hollyoaks. I put the shoe back into the wardrobe and quickly grabbed a random top and pair of jeans before slamming the door shut. I moved back over to my bed and sat down picking up the bottle of vodka again. I can’t abort a baby. I’ve read about it on the internet before. It sounds horrible. I couldn’t do that but I really can’t keep this kid. Whoever’s it is. This decision affects the rest of my life. I couldn’’t stay in Hollyoaks with this kid either. I can’t do this. I can’t stay here. What if it’s Kyle’s child, I couldn’t tell him about it. I would be on my own and all I would be able to think about with the kid would be that night when he did that to me. All the happy memories I had with Kyle were already fading. I didn’t think of him as Kyle, my ginger best friend anymore. I thought of him as a rapist. He attacked me. What if the child looked like him? I could feel a lump forming at the back of the throat as I thought about it. I unscrewed the lid from the vodka bottle again and took a large sip before sticking the lid back on and sticking the bottle below my bed. If I’m having a child I can’t drink like this. I’m not having a child. I’m not. I can’t. I don’t want to.
Someone chapped the door and I jumped as I was brought back into the real world.
“Who is it?” I said, looking at myself in the mirror. Trying to put on a happy face.
“Gaby” She said uncomfortably. I unlock the door but went straight back over to sit on my bed.
“Hey” I smiled.
“Hi” She said. There was a painful silence before Gaby got the courage to ask the question, I knew was coming. “Lorna, you know you can talk to me. Right?” She checked. I just nodded in reply. “This morning, when you were drunk you said, you thought you were pregnant”
“I did?” I said quickly. “Who heard? What exactly did I say?”
“So, you’re not?” She asked.
“I don’t think so” I said, instantly feeling awful. She’s one of my best friends and I’m sitting here lying with a straight face.
“That’s good” She said with a thankful sigh but with a rather disbelieving tone.
“Why?” I asked, instantly regretting it.
“I was worried about you” She explained. “How difficult would it be to have Kyle’s” She said his name with angrytone. “baby?” She said.
“I know” I said, trying to stay confident.
“Or Kris’s?” She said, awkwardly. “It’d be related to Alicia” She laughed, slightly.
“I know” I said, in the exact way I just had done. It was all I could without snapping.
“And so much has came between you and Zak in the past few months” She said, continuing the conversation. She was freaking me out even further. I was sat there motionlessly staring at my door trying to shut out what she was saying. I need to get rid of this baby. But it’s not just my decision. I’d need to get a scan before the abortion as well. I couldn’t go through with that; hearing the heartbeat of the child that grew inside me, that I was going to purposely get rid of. Gaby was still talking but I was blocking out every word. I had an actual urge to reach below my bed, get the vodka and down the whole bottle.
“Lorna!” Tazmyn called. I stood up and walked out of my room in a daze. Leaving Gaby sat there on my bed. I could hear other people standing talking in the corridor. I reached the end of the hall to see Claire and Neil both stood there. Neil had a packet of peas over his hand and Claire was stood there almost in tears at the sight of me.
“What’s wrong with your hand?” I asked, trying to sound concerned although subconsciously already knowing what had happened.
“I broke Kyle’s nose” He said, the angry tone coming through in his voice.
“You didn’t?!” I said in disbelief.
“Lorna, don’t” He retorted. “He deserves much worse than a broken nose” Neil said, walking over to me and giving me a hug as I hugged him, I watched Gaby go over and check on Alicia in her pram before sitting back down on the couch.
“Hi Gaby” Neil said letting go of me and giving Gaby a strange wave across the room. Gaby just smiled in return. I could tell she was annoyed at me. I had just realised how rude I had been when Gaby was speaking to me but I really didn’t want to hear what she was saying. She was talking about how me being pregnant would mess me and Zak up further, whether it was his or not and I really couldn’t stand hearing it.
“Gaby have you met Claire before?” I asked, trying to remember and she nodded. “Hey Claire” She said, trying to sound cheerful.
“Hi” Claire said with a crackle in the back of her throat.
“What’s wrong?” I asked concerned.
“I need to talk to you” She said, grabbing my hand and pulling me down the corridor. “Which room yours?” She asked. I opened my bedroom door and she followed me in.
“I’m sorry” She said beginning to cry.
“What for?” I said.
“It’s my fault”
“Don’t be pathetic!!!” I snapped angrily.
“Lorna, you phoned me when you were drunk telling me that Kyle was being really pushy and kept trying stuff but –“ She sniffed.
“I did?” I asked.
She nodded before continuing with her story, “I told you, you were pissed and that I was switching my phone of cause you were being a pain in the ass. I’m sorry” She said as a single tear dripped of her cheek.
“Claire, Don’t” I said. “What could you have done? It happened and it’s over” I said, trying to sound strong.
“But Tazmyn said –“
“What did she say?” I asked, confused.
“You’re pregnant?” Claire said. “and that you got scary drunk yesterday”
“I did get too drunk” I admitted, trying to avoid the pregnancy part. “But that was because I was freaked out”
“Because you’re pregnant?” She asked, awkwardly. I hated the way that sounded. I’m pregnant. Thinking about it was making me feel ill.
I shook my head. Technically it wasn’t a lie. I didn’t figure out I could be pregnant until a long time after I started drinking.
“Why then?” She asked sounding anxious. “You can’t drink all the time when you’re upset”
“I know” I sighed. “I was just freaked out about everyone knowing what happened. I was finally starting to get over it, apart from that nightmare, and then Tazmyn announced it in the livingroom and then everyone starting asking all sorts of questions and it just –“ I said, starting to get worked up.
“I get yha” Claire smiled , trying to lighten the mood and make me laugh. It was a private joke we’d had since we were like 16 but it wasn’t working this time and Claire frowned.
“You’re worrying me” She said, not looking at me. She shifted her body round to face me but accidently ended up kicking my vodka bottle below the bed causing it to roll out. I pretended not to realise but in the time it had taken me to blink. Claire had picked it up and was looking at it with a mixture of confusion and anger.
“When did you drink this?” She demanded. “Tazmyn said the bottle you had last night smashed”
I shrugged.
“When did you drink this?” She yelled.
“This morning” I said, my eyes not meeting Claire’s. I couldn’t lie to her.
“Lorna, according to Taz you only went to bed at 10 to sober up and it’s now 2 and you’ve drank a quarter of the bottle already” She stated and I nodded. She stood up off of my bed and marched up the corridor and sat the bottle down on the worktop.
“She’s drank this already this morning” Claire said looking from Taz to Neil and then to Gaby. Who stood up from the couch and walked over.
“Why are you doing this to yourself?” Tazmyn asked. “To your baby”
“I’m not having a baby” I yelled.
“Lorna, I know you” Tazmyn paused.
“We all know you” Neil said backing up Tazmyn’s argument. “You tell the truth when you’re drunk”
“I talk crap when I’m drunk” I bit back nastily.
“Lorna, have you even taken a test?” Gaby asked carefully.
I nodded. Again, I wasn’t lying.
“When?” Taz demanded.
“When I went for a shower” I said, beginning to fiddle with the sleeves of my jumper nervously. I couldn’t look at any of them.
“Where’s the test then?” Neil asked. Claire was just stood there, watching me staying out of the conversation. Well Neil, if I wanted you to know that I am pregnant you could go look in my smelly old trainer at the back of my wardrobe!!
“I snapped it” I replied snidely.
“Can we see it?” Gaby asked. I shook my head.
“Lorna, you’re pregnant” Neil accused. I started to feel sick. “I believe that you’ve done a test but if it was negative you’d have shown us”
“I’ve put it in the bin” I said.
“Which bin?” Tazmyn asked, climbing off the kitchen stool and storming through to my bedroom followed by Gaby.
“Not that bin” I said, causing Taz to turn into the bathroom instead, followed by Gaby.
“Well Lorna, there’s no test in the bathroom bin earlier” Gaby said, sounding so pissed off at me.“Why are you lying?”
“We can help you” Claire sympathetically.
“I don’t need help!!” I screeched. Just as I finished my sentence the front door opened and Zak and Kris walked in, together for the first time in months.
“Fan-fucking-tastic!” I snapped as they walked in to the room, looking at the circle of people that had formed around me. Zak was carrying a plastic bag from the chemist that I could see through; 3 pregnancy tests, one for every possible dad.
“Why doesn’t anyone believe me?!” I sighed as a tear rolled down my cheek. Everyone was stood there in practically a circle around me. I felt trapped.
“Prove it!” Gaby said, grabbing the bag from Zak and thrusting it into my hands.
“I. Am. Not. Having. A. Baby” I said, pausing between each word. I looked around at each person’s face. No one believed me.
“Fine” I sniffed as tears began to run down my face. “Make it clear you don’t fucking trust me!” I stormed down the corridor and slammed the bathroom door so hard I actually saw the bathroom mirror on the wall shake. How the fuck am I going to make these tests negative. I went over to the toilet, put the lid down and sat down, pouring the three of them out onto my lap; 3 different kinds. I took the first one out of the box and looked at it closely. I wanted to go through my room, pack some stuff and run but I can’t. I can’t go back out there without doing these tests. They already don’t believe me. They all know that I’m lying. As much as they all wish my lies were the truth. I could hear them all talking up in the kitchen, talking about me, behind my back. Some friends ...
I suppose now, instead of being the hyper one, I’m the knocked up piss head who happens to have been raped. I’ve given them plenty to bitch about me for. How the hell am I going to make these tests come out negative?! I wiped away the tears that were rolling down my cheeks.
Water. The test measures your hormones in your urine, which water isn’t going to have.
I stood up and flushed the loo while trying to hold on to the 3 pregnancy tests. I unwrapped the other 2 and sat them all beside the sink before turning on the tap and wetting the first one, leaving it at the side, before wetting the other 2. I took out my mobile phone and set the timer for 5 minutes which one of the tests took before leaving the bathroom and going directly into my bedroom and slipping on the first pair of shoes I could find. I then got another bottle of vodka from below my bed. I crossed back over into the bathroom quickly trying to avoid the staring eyes from the people closest to me who were all stood there. I was so angry. My phone bleeped. I sat my bottle of Vodka down and I picked up the first of the pregnancy tests “Not Pregnant”, the second had a pink line instead of a blue, the third just said No. I stuck the little lid things on all three before picking up my vodka bottle and storming up the hall. I stopped once I reached everyone. I got one of the tests and thrust it at Kris. “That’s a pink line and not a blue one!” I spat at him.
I threw the next one at Zak. “Nope” I snapped. “Oh wait, maybe this one?” I said fakily before slamming it down onto the work top so the other could see. “Not. Pregnant!” I practically shouted causing Alicia to begin to stir.
“Believe me now?” I said evilly before turning on my heels and storming out of the flat door, slamming the door behind me. I ran down the stairs as quick but the second I reached the bottom, I burst into tears. Help me. Please.

Gaby's POV

Lorna slammed the door hard behind herself. Nobody spoke. I heard Zak put the pregnancy test on the side, and I heard Kris trying to settle Alicia – but everyone was too shocked to speak. I guess we were all feeling pretty guilty.
“You guys have messed her up.” Archie’s voice came from the corridor. I turned and saw him leaning up against the wall. Obviously he’d caught the last burst of that hysteria. I automatically looked around at all the Scottish people in the room, quite accusingly. Claire noticed.
“Don’t blame me.” She said quickly, walking towards me.
“Who said I was blaming anyone?” I said, folding my arms and looking at everyone in the room.
“You were giving me a look.” Claire said stubbornly.
“Right.” I turned away. I don’t want to argue, it makes everything worse.
“You were!” Tazmyn agreed, so I span back around.
“Okay, yeah, I was. Because it seems to me that before you showed up-” I looked at Tazmyn, “-Lorna seemed to be handling it pretty well… in her own time. And now everybody knows and she’s gone way downhill. She’s worse than when it first happened, right Zak?”
Everyone turned towards him. He looked at me for a moment and then to everyone else.
“She’s right.” He finally said. “On the outside, she seems so much worse now.” Tazmyn bowed her head guiltily. “But on the inside I have no idea how the hell she’s feeling.” Zak finished, clenching his fist.
“Erh! Will someone go after her?” Claire shouted, looking from Neil, to Zak, to me. Why can’t she go herself? She’s supposed to be her best friend.
“Gaby, maybe you should find her and talk to her.” Archie said, giving me a look.
“Why me? I mean, I want to, but shouldn’t Claire or someone? They’re her closest friends.” I looked at everyone else. Kris, Neil and Zak were all giving me the same look as Archie. I was honestly confused for a second. Then the penny dropped.
“Well, you’ve been through… things…” Archie murmured, confirming my thoughts. I suddenly felt angry, upset and extremely embarrassed.
“You know?!” I shrieked, looking at Kris and Zak. “How the hell does he know?!” I asked through gritted teeth. Kris looked worried. Zak looked angry at Archie.
“Just relax Gaby, okay?” Zak said, giving me an apologetic look. I clenched my teeth together and nodded once. We were worrying about Lorna now, I can’t turn it all around and make it about me again.
“Sure, I'll relax.” I murmured angrily. I cannot believe someone told Archie about me. I just can’t believe anyone would do that to me. Everyone that knows, I completely trusted… but now? Arh!
“I don’t get it.” Tazmyn muttered.
“I do, they’re right.” Claire said, looking at me.
“Oh. You know too? For crying out loud.” I was getting madder by the second.
“Lorna told me when it all started. She was worried and I was the only person outside this world she could really talk to.” Claire stuck up for her. I just nodded. I can’t believe that only one person in this room – I think – doesn’t know what the hell is going on.
“Okay, so because of that I should go talk to Lorna? I don’t get what difference that makes.” I said, confused.
“Gaby, you can try and get her to relax before things get too bad.” Kris said, frowning at how unwilling I was.
“Right.” I replied, not looking directly at him.

I headed over to Alicia's pram and got my coat and started putting it on. It was a colder day today, I could tell winter was on the way. Just as I finished doing the buttons up, the front door burst open.
“Put. Me. Down.” Lorna’s moans were heard, and then the door slammed shut. “I mean it.”
A tall man, with dark brown hair and quite pale skin was carrying Lorna. To be honest, he was rather good looking. He had good muscles, nice features, beautiful green eyes. I was stood pretty much next to him, an odd dazed look on my face. How embarrassing.
“Who the hell are you?” Zak questioned, walking over so he could steady Lorna when this stranger set her down. She stumbled a bit, despite Zak’s efforts, and ended up falling and sitting on the floor.
“Adrian?” Neil questioned, squinting at him.
“Alright Neil?” This man, Adrian I guess, answered back. He was Scottish, but not as Scottish as Lorna or Neil or Claire. It was more like he used to live in Scotland as a kid, but moved somewhere else when he was young.
“What are you doing here?” Claire asked, seeming confused.
“Aly rang me. She told me what had happened.” He replied. Yes, he’d definitely moved to southern England or something. Some words were said in an English accent.
“Bitch.” Lorna added in, before slumping onto the ground.
“Aly did?” I asked, confused. “I thought she moved?”
“Did she?” Adrian replied. “Well, she’s back now. Actually, she’s just parking the car.”
“Oh great!” Neil sighed. I clenched my fists.
“Perfect.” I muttered under my breath. I haven’t liked Aly in a long time. Everything I’ve heard about her – heck, everything I know myself about her… it is not good! She’s an evil, manipulative, lying, skanky bitch!
“Hey, she’s worried about Lorna.” Adrian said, glaring at Neil. If looks could kill, Neil would have died a million times by now. Adrian does not seem to like him.
“Of course she is.” I heard Kris whisper behind me, but Adrian seemed to not hear that. Luckily. I don’t think he was in a very happy mood, and Kris being Kris was likely to end up getting hurt.
“The day Aly’s worried about me, is the day I die.” Lorna laughed, “So let’s hope that that’s not today, eh?” She sat herself back up and then frowned. “Why are you all here?” She looked around at everyone from Scotland. I don’t get it. She was in here 10 minutes ago shouting at us, she can’t have got herself outrageously drunk in that amount of time.
“Lorna, for goodness sakes!” Claire walked up to her and slapped her hard around the face. I gasped, Adrian looked at Claire wide eyed and Lorna looked fuming.
“What the bloody hell was that for?!” She screamed at her.
“Snap out of this fucking state, will you?” Claire shouted back. “Can’t you tell we’re all worried sick about you right now, and this is not helping! You were here 5 minutes ago, there is no possible way that you can’t remember what happened then. Just fucking grow up.”
“Piss off.” Lorna replied, trying to stand up. She wobbled a bit, but got to her feet quickly. “All of you, piss off.” She stumbled down the corridor and then her door slammed shut. I started taking my coat off as everyone once again stood around in silence. Without saying a word I headed down the corridor towards Lorna’s room. Someone’s hand dashed out in front of me and pushed me back.
“Where are you going?” Adrian asked, frowning at me.
“To talk to Lorna.” I replied, quite offended by the way he was treating me. I’d never even heard of this guy before, yet he feels he can control everyone by telling them how to behave and sticking up for Alyson?
“No. No, you should leave her alone.”
“No I really shouldn’t.” I said, pushing his arm out the way so I could get passed.
“Hey – lady.” Adrian pulled me backwards by my arm.
“Ow!” I shrieked, and Archie quickly came over to us, forcing Adrian to let me go.
“Let her go.” Archie said, right into Adrian’s face. He tried to square up to him, but Adrian was really quite tall and much more on the muscley side than Archie was.
“She should leave Lorna alone.” Adrian said into Archie’s face.
“Lorna shouldn’t be left alone!” Tazmyn shouted out. “She’s probably drinking another bottle of vodka as we speak! She’ll probably get alcohol poisoning if we don’t stop her!”
“And only god knows what else she might do.” Zak said quietly. Adrian looked around at everyone, and then walked away from me and Archie to the other side of the room, obviously surrendering and allowing me to pass.
“Thank you.” I muttered quietly, before walking down the corridor and towards Lorna’s room. I pushed against the door, expecting it to open. It was locked…

“Lorna, let me in.” I said, knocking on the door. I heard nothing but Alicia's odd whines coming from the sitting room. “Lorna please.”
This reminded me of what I used to do. I used to sit in my room, leaning up against the door, listening to everyone’s pleas for me to just open up and let someone talk to me. I would be so stubborn. I wouldn’t care how upset they were or how angry or worried anyone was. I just wanted to be left alone, no matter how long it took. That’s why I was extremely surprised when I heard the click of the lock as Lorna let me inside. I walked in slowly. The room stank of booze. Lorna stank of booze. The first thing I did was walk straight over to the window and opened it as wide as it would go.
“What are you doing?” Lorna asked, giving me a look.
“I’m letting daylight in.” I told her, “I’m trying to get rid of the stink of alcohol.” I added on. “I’m trying to sober you up.”
“I am sober.” She sighed, collapsing onto her bed. Her room was a tip. There were empty bottles everywhere. There were wrappers and clothes and just random rubbish all strewn across the floor. She lay on her bed for a good minute before I decided to tidy everything before talking to her. Everyone concentrates better in a clean environment – plus I’ve never seen this room so messy! It only took me 5 minutes to get rid of all the clutter. Once I was done, I sat down next to Lorna. She sat up.
“Oh. It’s clean again.” She seemed confused, and then looked at me. “What do you want?”
“Someone’s cranky.” I muttered, trying to put a smile on my face.
“I’m being serious.”
“So am I.” I replied, as she groaned. “You sober yet?”
“I was never drunk.”
“You so were.” I laughed.
“No, I really wasn’t.” She sighed and put her head on the pillow. “It’s called acting.”
“You’re not that good an actress…”
“Well, obviously I am.” Her words sounded slightly slurred. She was definitely drunk. “Can you please just leave me alone?” She asked, but she didn’t sound rude about it.
“Why?” I asked, honestly concerned.
“Because I’m tired, and I can’t be bothered with all this hassle! It was bad enough with Tazmyn – then Claire and Neil turned up. Now Aly and Adrian?!”
“Yeah, who is this Adrian?” I asked, not sounding happy about him at all.
“My stupid traitor of a brother.” She said angrily. I gasped.
“No way! You have a brother?!” I said very loudly. The chatting I heard in the other room went silent, then an uproar started. I couldn’t tell what was being said, but it was definitely not happy talk. “Why have you never told me this?” I asked her, suddenly very hurt. I thought I was one of her best friends.
“Because! After my mum and dad died, he just left us. He disappeared and I haven’t seen or spoken to him since. I didn’t even know where he was, and I just found out now that him and Aly have been in contact ever since!” She was very angry. Very angry indeed. “Look, Gaby, can you please just leave me alone?”
I took a deep breath, “No.”
She narrowed her eyes and then put her face down into her pillow and screamed. I waited till she’d finished and then walked to the door.
“I'll be one second.” I muttered, opening and closing the door. I took the key, so even if she locks me out I can still get back in. Everyone was talking in the sitting room. Zak and Adrian were arguing. Claire, Tazmyn, Neil and Archie were discussing. And Kris and Aly were saying rude things to each other. The only person quiet was Rhys… He had Alicia on his lap, obviously trying to keep her happy whilst everyone else argued. I stood at the opening of the hall for a minute, waiting for someone to stop arguing, but it just carried on. If Lorna could see this, maybe she’d notice how much people honestly care about her.
“Oi!” I screamed and everyone looked at me. “Adrian, Aly – piss off.” I said pointing to the door. “Claire and Tazmyn… it might be better if you leave to. And you Archie.” I said, folding my arms. “Kris, can you take Alicia for a walk please?” I asked him. Everyone was giving me looks.
“I’m staying here.” Adrian said, sitting at the counter.
“Same here.” Aly said.
“I want to stay too.” Tazmyn murmured.
I cleared my throat. “Listen okay. Lorna is going through a really rough time right now. She was dealing with it, and now everyone’s found out and she’s gone even worse than she was. She needs space, and you all standing out here – arguing! – is not giving her that space. Please, for Lorna’s sake, will you all just leave and come back later… separately.” I looked at everyone. Kris immediately walked over to Rhys and took Alicia from him. Claire tugged on Tazmyn’s arm, saying they’ll go get some lunch. Aly stormed out of the house and Adrian followed. Archie stood around for a moment, gave me a pat on the shoulder and then walked out too. Kris finished getting Alicia ready for their walk, put her in the pram and started heading for the door.
“Bring her back before 4, please.” I said, as he was leaving. He smiled and nodded, before leaving the flat. Just Rhys and Zak left.
“That’s so much better.” Zak said, sitting at the side and putting his head down on the cold surface.
“Zak, do you want to talk to her or should I go back in?” I asked him.
“I don’t know if I should…” He sat up straight. I nodded an unfolded my arms. My hands seemed to stick together like there was glue on them or something. I looked at my hand.
“Damn it.” I said, sucking my left hand – which was now bleeding. I had blood all down my arm and on both my hands.
“What happened?” Rhys asked, following me over to the sink.
“I don’t know. I guess I dug my nails in too hard.” I said, letting cold water wash over the open wound. It started to sting.
“Didn’t you feel it?” Zak asked, handing me some kitchen roll.
“I was a little stressed…” I muttered, not looking at either of them. It embarrassed me that I couldn’t control my emotions. I hate it. I hate the fact that I don’t realise when I’m hurting myself.
“I'll get you a plaster.” Rhys said, opening a cupboard.
“No, don’t bother. It’s on the palm of my hand. There’s no point.” I flicked my hand. “Ow.” I whined.
Rhys took my hand and looked at it.
“That’s pretty deep. You must have been digging in hard.” He gave me a really concerned look.
“Trust me, I’m fine. Can we concentrate on Lorna? Please?”
He nodded and kissed my forehead.
“Zak, I think you should go in and see her.” I muttered, passing him her key.
“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “I think that would be a bad idea.”
“Knowing that you, of all people, care about her… that will seriously make her feel a hundred times better.” I told him.
“She knows I care about her. I love her.” He said, giving me a look.
“She doesn’t know that. You finished with her. You’ve been dating that Michaela girl.”
“What?” Rhys said, looking at Zak.
“I have not been dating Michaela!” Zak replied, seeming a little frustrated.
“Explain the 2 lunch dates then?”
“We’re friends… we have been for a while. I’ve just been catching up.”
“Well go say that to Lorna. Go talk to her. Go calm her down.” I ordered him. “Please.”
He hesitated, and then he slowly stood up. I watched him walking over to her room, knock once and then walk straight in.
“Come on, you need to relax yourself.” Rhys said a few minutes later, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the door. I didn’t object. I really did need to calm down. He put his arms around me and we walked in the cool, late September sun.

Lorna's POV

“You okay?” Zak asked as he walked into my room and awkwardly stared at me.
“If you mean not drinking by okay, then, yeah” I said. “No more alcohol for Lorna” I said, in a slightly high pitched tone and then laughed fakily at myself. “Seriously Zak, remind me never to say ‘I wish my life was like One Tree Hill ever again’” I sighed, mumbling away to myself rather than to Zak. “I meant the whole love crap where people have massive fights one episode and are back in love a few episodes later” I said looking at the carpet. Zak was still stood there just watching me unsure of what to say He was making me feel uneasy – well even more uneasy than I already felt. “not the whole; rape, being drunk a lot, pregnancy, my absentee brother randomly reappearing thing!” I said as a single tear ran down my face. Zak came and sat down beside me and grasped my hand.
“But the tests?” He said, confused. “They were negative” He said again sounding even more confused. It was then that I realised what I’d done, what I’d said. I began to sob.
“Lorna” Zak said softly although I could tell he was tense, “talk to me” He still had hold of my hand but I couldn’t face him. Tears continued to stream down my face and rolling of my chin.
“Do you know whose –“ he gulped, “it is?” He said. I shook my head slowly.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He said, I could hear him getting upset. “I get why you lied in front of everyone but – me”
I literally couldn’t speak. Tears just kept pouring from my eyes. I couldn’t open my mouth. I couldn’t -
“Lorna, we were Scooney” He said. “Archie used to tease us because we were practically one person, we were together that much. You told me anything” He said, slowly, i could hear him getting more and more upset as he spoke. I hate hurting him. “Then today, I find out that you’ve got a brother?” He said, in disbelief. “And now that you’ve lied to me”
“Zak –“ I said, gulping back my tears but that was all I could manage.
“I’m here” he said, pulling me closer towards him. “Talk to me” I sniffed back my tears and wiped both my eyes. “Please” He pleaded.
“I’m sorry” I managed. “I, I just –“ I said, “there was too many people and I couldn’t deal with it and –“ I sniffed again. “I don’t want everyone to hate me”
“Hate you?” Zak said with a confused tone. I still couldn’t bare to look at him.
I nodded. “Aly and Claire don’t agree with abortions”
“Abortion?” Zak said in shock. “But –“
“I can’t keep Kyle’s child” I said, making it clear that nothing was going to change my choice. “I can’t keep something that will forever keep reminding me of him and that night” I sobbed. “There hasn’t been a day where I haven’t thought about that night, replaying it, trying to remember more things, thinking about the things he said to me whether I could’ve realised” I said, my voice cracking as I spoke.
“it might not be his” He said, rubbing my shoulder.
“But, it could be Kris’s and that would be just as bad” I explained. “Gaby would hate me, Kris would hate me, you would despise me even more, and Kris. I couldn’t keep it. I just couldn’t. I’d lose all of you” I sniffed.
“Lorna,” Zak said, softly as if he was going to start saying something but I couldn’t let him.
“Zak, that night is one of my biggest regrets. I don’t want my baby to be something that happened that night. I don’t want to resent the baby as much as I hate what I did that night. I fucked up everything. You and me were gonna be forever and I ruined it. And you, you would be there watching me bring up a baby that was conceived when I cheated” I said, sounding disgusted as I said the word. “I’ve been there and as much as I loved becks, I still hated the fact that she was there because my sister and my boyfriend cheated on me” I stopped and rubbed my eyes. “And Kris, he’d hate me. He wouldn’t want this baby. Kris loved and still loves Gaby, He loves Alicia more than anything in the world but how could he love something that happened that one night with me that was a mistake, he resents it just as much as I do cause that night he lost his best friend”
“Lorna, I could NEVER hate you” He said. “It would be hard, I know but I’d be there, I’d help” I couldn’t do that to Zak. I love him. He doesn’t want to waste his life with me, with a baby that might not even be his. I couldn’t stop crying. Part of me was glad I’d told someone but inside my heart was shattering even further. There was an awkward silence as I just sat there sobbing onto Zak’s shoulder.
“What,” Zak said before stopping and his knee began to tap. “What if it’s mine?” He asked.
“I couldn’t do that to you Zak” I sobbed. “You –“
He cut me off. “You can’t abort it” He said with a forceful tone. “That baby is ours, that’s me and that’s you”
“But we’re not –“
“Lorna, you just said we were forever” He stopped. “we still can be”
“Zak, you’re just saying that because there’s a baby involved”
“I’m not” He said. “I love you”
“I love you too” I stopped. “but in a few years time, you’ll regret it. When you’re stuck with me and a kid”
“I wouldn’t be stuck with you and a baby. I’d be there because I wanted to, because I love you both
“You can’t say that. How can we go back to the way we were before I-”
“Because I love you” He said, stroking my hand with his thumb.
“I need to find out whose baby it is” I said, still crying.
“I’m here whatever happens” he said. “I promise”
“I just –“ I said, continuing to sob into his shoulder.
“Shhh” He said as he awkwardly flicked back my duvet while still holding me, “Get into bed and go to sleep. Wake up and then you can talk to everyone” A panicked expression appeared across my tear covered face. “Not about...” he stopped and looked towards my stomach, “I’ll fix that, I’ll get you an appointment for a couple of days time. I’ll be there” He said reassuringly. I stood up off of the bed, as did Zak, and then I climbed in under the covers. Zak stood there and watched me for a few seconds.
“Want me to stay?” He asked.
I just nodded and he got in beside me and put his arm around me.
“Go to sleep” He said before kissing the back of my head.
“I love you” I said practically inaudibly as I took hold of Zak’s hand.
“Love you too” He said. And with that, my eyes closed ...

“Look, Zak, I won’t say anything to hurt her. Aly and that don’t even know that I’m here. I just need to speak to her, alone” Adrian said. I was pretending to be asleep. I had no idea what time it was or how long I’d slept for but I felt so much better.
“We used to be really close” Adrian said, “It kills me seeing her like this, I know she’s mad at me but I need to speak to her.”
“But –“ Zak protested.
“I love how protective over her you are” Adrian said with an awkward laugh. “Used to be my job”
“I don’t know anything about you” Zak bit back. “And me and Lorna were close”
“From what everyone’s said she’s practically obsessed with you” He continued trying to make the situation less awkward. “Over took One Tree Hill supposedly”
“Yeah, well, she never mentioned you” Zak said. “Not even once”
“I’m not surprised. I didn’t say what I did was a good thing. I should never have left them but you can’t change the past”
“How come you never came back then?” Zak asked. I felt one of them sit down on the bottom of my bed.
“The longer I left it the harder it got” He shrugged as I opened my eyes.
“What made you come back?” Zak pressed.
“Well yesterday” Adrian started. Yesterday? I slept for the rest of the day? “Aly phoned me in a state and explained to me what Neil and Claire had said and she asked if I’d come with her to see Lorna” He explained.
“Wait, but how did she know how to get you?” Zak asked. He was asking all the questions I wanted to know.
“We started speaking again after Becky died” He said and I gasped causing both of them to jump.
“Why just Aly?” I snapped.
“She told me you knew and you didn’t want to speak to me” He said, shocked.
“Why do you always believe her” I snapped. “Mum and Dad died on the 16th of March and by like the 20th you were gone and now it’s almost 4 years later and now is the first time I’ve seen you since! And you’ve been speaking to Alyson for almost a year?!” Zak was just sat there, trying to stay out of the conversation but still staying in the room.
“I’m sorry” Adrian said.
“Why did you go?” asked angrily.
“I needed to get away” He said. “You and Aly were” He stopped and shook his head. “and I couldn’t make it any better. I couldn’t bring them back” He explained.
“Right, I get that. I get that you needed space but almost 4 years of space without a single phone call, text, anything” I bit back.
“I didn’t mean that but time kept going past and the longer I left it –“
“the harder it got” I said over the top of him. “you’ve said!” I snapped. And then, there was silence.
“I’m gonna go” Zak said. “Get some breakfast” He said as he stood up off of my bed.
“Breakfast?!” I said, shocked “I slept right through! What the hell happened after I fell asleep?! It was like 3 ish? when I went to sleep. God, what happened? Did people argue?! What’s been said?! Where did people sleep?!”
“Someone’s sober” Zak said, with a slight smile after my hyper outburst.
“That was fast” Adrian said trying to work out what I’d even said. “No one argued, shockingly, well except Aly and Neil” He said with a slight laugh.
“They all slept at mine” Zak shrugged. “After you fell asleep, Aly and Adrian came back and I took them to mine, mainly to get Aly and Gaby away from each other, and then they just slept there”
“You said no one argued!” I snapped, looking at Adrian.
“They didn’t” Adrian said, as I sat up on my bed, “Aly just made a comment and then I took Aly away quickly before Gaby or that Kris guy killed her”
“What the hell did she say this time?” I said.
“That she felt sorry for Alicia, having to wait for her mum to finish cutting herself before she’d change her nappy” Adrian explained.
I gasped. How could she?!
“I’m going to kill her!” I snapped, pouncing from my bed and diving into my wardrobe for clothes.
“Calm down” Adrian said making me stop and turn to face him. “Claire said she’d stay at Zak’s with her today” He paused “she feels pretty guilty about hitting you”
“I forgot about that” I said, awkwardly. “I need to go apologize to everybody.” I stopped. “I’ve been such a stupid cow”
“Gaby’s at her flat with erm” Adrian said, “Rhys? Right?” He said looking at Zak who nodded. “Taz, Claire, Aly and Neil are still at Zak’s but I woke Neil up by accident when I was coming over here so we both know he’ll be here in like 10 minutes” He continued with a disgusted tone. “Why is he always here hanging about?”
“He’s my friend” I said as if he was thick.
“Lorna, he’s a fucking tool! You used two used to be all in love and crap then he messed you up when he knocked up Aly!” He stopped, becoming frustrated with what he was saying.
“It was a mistake!” I said “They were drunk”
“Lorna, you know that if you hadn’t done the same thing to him” he looked at Zak. “a few weeks ago, you’d be agreeing with me.
“I’m gonna go” Zak said, moving toward my bedroom door. “Do you want anything?” He asked turning to look at me then Adrian.
“No thanks mate” Adrian said.
“No thanks” I said feeling awkward after what my brother had just said.
“Okay” He said, opening my bedroom door before turning round as though he’d just remembered something. “Wednesday at half 2, okay?” He asked and the shock hit me.
I nodded and Zak left my room closing the door behind him and I slumped down onto my bed knowing what was coming.
“What’s Wednesday?” Adrian asked. I should tell him.
I closed my eyes and said it quickly, “I’m pregnant” I said. “I told Zak last night and that’s my appointment to –“ I paused as my eyes began to well up, “find out who’s baby it is”, I couldn’t even look at Adrian, scared of what he was going to say. He said nothing but opened his arm out and I crawled into his arm and rested my head on his shoulder. “What are you going to do with it?” He asked awkwardly.
“Abort it” I said without even stopping to think.
“What?!” He said in disbelief. “You’ve always wanted a baby”
“I’m not going to have Kyle’s baby” I said, not even giving him an opportunity to protest,“Or Kris’s”
“because of Zak?” He asked.
“He told me he’s with me whatever happens” I said as tears trickled down my cheeks. “But I really don’t think it’s Zak’s” I cried. “As much as I want it to be”
Adrian held me tighter. “How slutty does that sound?” I asked.
“It’s Okay” Adrian said reassuringly.
“It’s not” I sobbed. “Everything’s fucked up” I said. “A few months ago I was happy! I had Zak, My friends, my job, lectures, everything was good”
“How have you still not got them?” Adrian asked. “Lorna, Zak was straight back over here last night after he’d sorted us out at his flat. He let your bitchy sister who’d just insulted one of his best mates sleep there too – much to Gaby’s annoyance- he’s not going to leave you. And how have you not got your friends? They’re here. And I’m not going anywhere this time, I promise!” He paused. “And as far as I’m aware you still have a job and lectures you’ve just not been there for a couple of days”
“But if I have a baby, that’s all going to change” I sighed. “especially if it’s Kris’s”
“Not necessarily” Adrian explained. “Zak loves you, Lorna. You cheated on him. And he still cares. Plus you’re friends aren’t going to leave you” He said.
“If it’s Kris’s baby –“ I started.
“Lorna,” He started.
“I can’t talk about this anymore” I said, getting frustrated. “I need to sort everything else out first. I’ll deal with this on Wednesday” I said.
“I’ll be there” He said. “I mean, if you want” he started.
I nodded as I just lay there in my big brothers arms.
Neither of us had spoken in a few minutes until Adrian broke the silence: “My future nephew or niece; Baby Adrian or Baby Adrianna” He said, trying to lighten the mood.
“No way” I said. “That dare – well forfeit - does not still count!” I said, laughing slightly.
“Of Course it does!” He laughed. “You should’ve just –“
“No!” I snapped. “Anything would’ve been better than that” I said, with a slight smile on my face as I thought about how happy I was back then, hanging about with my brother and sister that I was convinced were the most awesome people ever but that was back then... not now. That was back in the days when Kyle and me where closing than ever too.
“Well I look forward to my future niece or nephew being named in my honour” He laughed and I smiled with me until I realised,
“I’m not old enough to be a mum” I stopped.
“Alyson was a mum when she was younger than you” He said. “So is Gaby, i think, right?”
I nodded. “But they’re older than me”
“Eh?” He asked with a slight laugh after what he’d said. “Well Aly is your big sister so yeah, she’s older but she was 19 when she had Becky and Gaby’s 19 now” He said, questioning what he was saying. “and she’s just had Alicia”
“Yeah, I’m older than Aly was and older than Gaby is now but –“ I paused, trying to think of the best way to explain the thoughts running through my messed up head. “I’m naive and immature. I can’t look after myself probably never mind looking after a baby”
“Lorna, you looked after Becky a lot when she was younger and you were younger then too”
“And you know that how?” I asked snidely.
“Aly mentioned it when she was freaking out about you being pregnant on the drive to get here” He shrugged. “I know, I wasn’t there” He said, his voice low.
“Yeah, I did look after Becky a lot but, that was for a few hours at a time” I said. “Not constant 24 hour responsibility, this baby would be with me forever”
“You’re making it sound like a bad thing” He shrugged.
“How wouldn’t it be?” I asked.
“Because you’d be a mummy and I know you’ll be a brilliant mum” He said confidently.
“Yeah because that’s what a newborn baby needs, a piss head mum” I said, a lump forming at the back of my throat again.
“Lorna, you are not a piss head” He said.
“You should look below my bed” I muttered, standing up then clambering down onto all fours and reaching and pulling out the box below my bed. It was a blue and red rectangular box, I had lots of them underneath my bed all filled with DVDs, CDs and books but this one had other stuff in it. I sat beside the box on my bedroom floor and picked out the 6 different vodka bottles that were in the box and sat them on the floor. 3 of them were completely empty. Another hadn’t been opened and the other 2 were half full.
“Lorna –“ Adrian started unable to think of what to say. “When did you drink these”
“Over the last 8 weeks” I shrugged.
“Why didn’t you talk to anyone” He said, not even looking at me.
“How was I meant to tell anyone from home, just phone them up randomly and go Kyle’s a rapist stay away from him?” I said, not expecting a response.
“Anything would’ve been better than keeping it bottled up” He said, then laughed slightly gesturing at the bottles sitting on my bedroom floor. “What did you say when you spoke to Zak or Gaby?” He asked.
“I don’t think I realised how serious it was before I spoke to Gaby. When I told her about it I said I’d slept with Kyle. I felt like I cheated on Zak again but I didn’t sleep with him. It was –“ I couldn’t say it. “rape” Adrian said nothing and just sat there on my bed waiting on me telling him more. “I showed both of them my bruises” I said, taking the photos from the box I’d taken the bottles of vodka from.
“Photos?” He asked, taking them from him. His eyes widened as he looked at them. Then I could literally see he’s feelings turn from shock to anger.
“I don’t know” I said, thinking about it. “One night I decided that I would need evidence if I reported him to the police but, I couldn’t do that it’s Kyle” He didn’t even respond he just sat there, shocked.
“I wish someone could tell me why he did it, even he couldn’t.”
We both went silent after that until Adrian leaned forward and picked up my dress from the box. The dress I had been wearing that night. It was a gorgeous deep purple colour. I’d bought it that day from River Island when we went out in Liverpool shopping before Claire and Megan left. Adrian picked up the two top corners so it was hanging from his hands. His eyes examining each tear.
“Are you crying?” I asked, laughing slightly. He just looked at me. “I forgot how soppy you were” I mocked.
“Lorna, this is serious” He snapped. “I don’t have a fucking clue what’s going on in your fucked up head!” He snapped, standing up and storming out of my room taking the dress and the photos with him. I stopped and watched the door for a few minutes, waiting on him coming back in but he didn’t. I picked myself up off of the floor, not bothering to clean up any of the crap, and climbed back into bed and cried myself to sleep, again.

Gaby's POV

The sun was shining through a tiny gap in my curtains, directly on my face. Perfect way to wake up after the longest night I’ve had in months. I blinked my eyes open and turned to face Rhys. He was still fast asleep. I sat up a little and looked over at Alicia. She was still asleep too, although she had woken up 3 times in the night. I fell back onto the bed, causing it to start shaking. Rhys stirred, and a second later his eyes popped open.
“Sorry.” I said quietly. He laughed and then closed his eyes again, the light from the sun blinding him too.
“What time is it?” He asked, turning onto his back and yawning. I glanced at the clock.
“Just gone 8.”
“Erh.” He groaned and turned onto his other side. “Goodnight.”
I laughed. Any second now Alicia will be waking up. She never usually sleeps later than 8, so there’s no point me even bothering going back to sleep. Although my eyes were tempting me to close them, I fought with them and pulled myself up and out of bed. I went straight into the bathroom and into the shower. I’m so speedy in the shower now. I worry too much about leaving Alicia on her own, so I always hurry in the shower. Now it’s so easy to go fast. When I got out, I brushed my teeth, quickly got changed then went back into my room again. Rhys was still fast asleep. Alicia on the other hand was staring right at me.
“Morning gorgeous.” I said, smiling and waving at her. As soon as she heard my voice she smiled, so big. It made my heart melt. I love her so much, and her smiling back at me just shows she loves me too. It’s the best feeling in the world. I walked over to her and got her out before she got frustrated and started crying. I didn’t really want to wake Rhys up. I got Alicia out of her sleeping bag and carried her through to her room. She was getting so much stronger now. She could pretty much hold her head up with ease now. It occasionally wobbled, but she’s alright with it. She’s just finding her hands and things too. She’ll hold her hand in front of her face, and just watch it…
“Shall I get you changed then, misses?” I asked her, setting her onto the changing table. She smiled happily at me, and then let out a little excited scream. “Shh. Rhys is still sleeping.” I said, laughing. I walked over to the door and shut it. I quickly got Alicia ready, then set her on her play mat with a couple of toys. She was happy shaking a rattle whilst I did my hair and makeup, luckily. Sometimes she has a little tantrum, which is why it can take me hours to get myself ready. Once I felt fresh, I took Alicia with me through to get some breakfast. She sat in her ring, watching the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on tv, whilst I went and got myself some toast. I came back through and picked her up again.
“You must be hungry. Come here.” I shuffled about whilst I attached her to me. Once she was feeding, I leaned forwards and got myself some toast. As soon as I took a bite, she looked up. “This is mine, not yours.” I said, smiling at her. She started feeding again, like she’d understood what I was saying. Little cutie!

“Morning.” Rhys said, almost an hour later, after finally getting out of bed.
“Hello there.” I said, putting my magazine down. Rhys went and knelt on the floor next to Alicia. She looked at him hesitantly, but then smiled. He picked her up and sat her on his knee.
“How are the two most beautiful girls in the world this morning?” Rhys asked, smiling at Alicia, but then looking at me for an answer.
“Tired.” I answered, smiling at him.
“Rough night.” He stated. I just nodded. I haven’t stopped thinking about Lorna. So much is happening to her right now… I just know what I’d be doing in this situation, and I cant help but think she’s doing the same thing. I know she’s not as stupid as me, but I worry.
“I’m going to go round in a bit.” I said to Rhys. He just nodded and put Alicia back into her ring. He then stood up and came over to the sofa where I was sat. He sat down, put his arm around me, then lay back.
“You need to learn how to relax.” He told me, with a slight laugh. His finger was circling the back of my hand.
“I can’t relax when my best friend’s suffering like this.”
“How’s your hand?” He asked, flipping it over to see the 4 nail scabs.
“Healthy.” I replied, slotting my hand into his.
“Lorna’s going to be fine.” He assured me, kissing my forehead. “Once her family’s gone, everything will get back to normal and she’ll deal with things better.”
“I know that, but I can’t help but wonder what she’s doing now. I know what I’d be doing..”
“She’s different.”
“I know – but what if her family and Claire don’t leave for weeks? What if they’re too worried to go, so they stay and make things worse? I don’t know how she’d cope.”
“Don’t think about any of this now.” Rhys said, squeezing me tight.
“She’s my best friend.” I replied.
“I know, but it’s not doing anyone any good if you keep panicking about what she may or may not be doing.” Rhys told me. I just nodded. I suppose he’s right.
“What are you doing today?” I asked, “and tonight?”
“I have a lecture at 3, but then nothing. Why?”
“Well, it’s Friday night. I thought, maybe, I could ask Kris to have Alicia and maybe we could go out. Just us two. We haven’t really gone out just us two for months, and it wasn’t the same when I was pregnant so..”
“That sounds like a great idea.” He said, kissing my head again. “Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t know. Out.” I said, laughing.
“As in for dinner or to clubs?”
“Clubs is more of a group thing, but then dinner is more of a special occasion thing.”
“Well, it is a special occasion. It’s our first official date when you’re not pregnant.”
“Oh brill.” I muttered unenthusiastically. “Okay, well what about dinner out somewhere reasonably nice, but hopefully not too expensive, and then back here for like a film or something?”
“Or something.” Rhys said, with a little snigger.
“Mm, remind me again why I love you?”
“Because I’m the best boyfriend in the world.” He said, happily.
“Ha! Yeah, sure.”
There was a long pause. I looked up at him, and he seemed lost in thought.
“What are you thinking?” I asked, smiling. He looked at me.
“About how much I love you.” He leaned forwards and kissed me. I held onto him longer than I was planning to. I didn’t want to pull away and get on with the cruel world. I wanted me and him to just be it. But soon I was sucked back to reality.
“You’re a cheesy guy, aren’t you?” I said, laughing.
“That’s why you love me.” He joked, as I settled back down against his chest.

-

When Rhys went to his lecture, I headed over to halls to see how Lorna was and what chaos I’d missed since the night before. I knew straight away things were better than before. The room was quiet, instead of the bitter arguing that was going on yesterday. Kris was sat on the sofa, and Cameron and Elliot were sat on the other one.
“I don’t see what the big deal is.” Elliot muttered, not looking away from his laptop.
“You don’t see the big deal in someone raping another person?” Cameron asked, raising his eyebrows.
“Of course I do! I meant about her hiding the fact she had a brother.” Elliot replied, seeming quite appalled that Cameron thought he was talking about the rape situation.
“Hey.” I said, smiling and announcing myself. I already had Alicia out of the pram.
“Hello there.” Kris said to Alicia, who smiled instantly. Ah, she loves her dada. I pulled her hat off of her head, causing her hair to stick up in all directions, and then walked around to Kris and gave her to him. “How’s my gorgeous girl?” He asked her, giving her a kiss on the cheek. He was holding her in a sitting positing by her hands. She’s getting super strong!
“I’m great thanks.” I replied, sitting on the sofa. Cameron laughed, Kris just gave me a look.
“That Mummy of yours is very big headed, isn’t she?” Kris said, ticking Alicia who started smiling her head off.
“Mm,” I murmured, not really sure what to say.
“So how are you today?” Kris asked me this time.
“Tired, but I always am now.” I said, yawning.
“Go to sleep. There are at least 3 beds going unused right now.” Kris said, smiling at me.
“Nah, I can’t.”
“Sure you can.” Cameron said smiling.
“No, I’m going out in a couple of hours… Which reminds me,” I turned to Kris and smiled. “Please, please pleaseee, could you have Alicia tonight?” I begged. He gave me a look.
“Very last minute.”
“Last minute plans.” I replied quickly.
“Alright, okay. Till when?”
“Well, see, I’m not so sure. Because I really would like to have a good night out, but I always put Alicia into bed at 8ish. So it’s no fun if I’m back that early. But I think I’d prefer her to be asleep then.”
“Does she go to sleep herself?”
“I give her a bottle, and she usually falls asleep straight after she has it.” I said to him. He tilted his head to the side.
“I guess I can have her. Where would she sleep though?”
“I don’t know. She can sleep on the sofa or your bed or, I guess in her pram.”
“Maybe her pram is a better idea, because then you wouldn’t really have to wake her up when you come and get her.”
“No, yeah, that’s a better idea.” I said, smiling.
“Can you shut up, please?” Elliot asked, glaring at me over his laptop.
“Woah, didn’t know we still had issues.” I said, wide eyed.
“I just can’t be bothered with your chattering.”
“Alright welshy.” I said, before laughing at my own word. Cameron started smirking at me, and I got slightly embarrassed. “Hey! You know what I just realised? I’m the only English one here.”
“Lorna’s in her room.” Cameron said, laughing.
“Lorna’s Scottish, dumb ass.” I said, sticking my tongue out at him. “How is Lorna?” I asked turning to Kris.
“She woke up about 2 hours ago, but then Zak went in a little later on and she was asleep again.”
“That’s a lot of sleep.” I said. “I know Lorna isn’t pregnant, because she showed us the tests and I know she wouldn’t lie to us, but… well, she sure does sound it. I mean, when I was in the early stages, I was freaking out all the time, sleeping as much as I could, throwing up…”
“She isn’t.” Elliot stated.
“No, I know.” I said back. There was a silence.

“I just need to go call someone.” Kris said, handing Alicia out to me. I took her from him, a confused look on my face.
“Who do you need to call?” I asked, sitting Alicia up in the middle of the sofa.
“Can I hold her?” Cameron asked. I nodded and passed her to him, still looking at Kris for an answer.
“Amelia.” He finally said. I stood up and walked over to him.
“Who’s Amelia?” I asked, but as soon as I did I remembered. I gasped. “Oh! Your date! I completely forgot. How did that go? Aw, you’re calling her again, so it must’ve gone well!”
“Breathe.” He said, walking into his room. I stopped at his door, which he’d casually left open.
“Well, gossip?” I smiled, hoping he’d tell me all.
“Go away.”
“Kris, I want to know about this girl! After all, she could end up being my daughters step-mother. Ha, ha – Hey!” I was stunned as Kris pushed me out of his room and slammed the door shut. “Pah, love you too.” I muttered under my breath.
“Will you stop flirting like pathetic children and shut up?” Elliot snapped at me, slamming his laptop shut and then storming passed me and into his room.
“Sorry Mr King of Geekiness.” I said, doing the fist thing that they do on friends. Is it totally horrible that I can’t wait for Elliot to leave this flat?

-

“Gaby, relax. We have a whole evening, just us two for a change. Please don’t be all tense.” Rhys begged, putting his hands on my shoulders as I finished doing my eyeliner.
“I can’t help being tense.” I muttered, shrugging him off.
“Gabs..”
I smiled at him. “Sorry, I’m just so worried about Lorna. Zak was telling me earlier that she’s pretty much slept all day, and when she was awake she was shouting and swearing at Zak to leave her alone… And also, this is the first evening I’ve ever spent away from Alicia.” I explained. He sighed, and then started to laugh.
“If anything happens, you know someone will call you. We’re only going to Pazro’s. It’s 10 minutes away, if that.”
“Okay. Yeah.” I put my eyeliner down. “Let’s go have fun.”

-

I couldn’t stop laughing. Tonight has been one of the best nights of my life.
“No way! He so did not do that!” I protested, as Rhys smiled and started nodding.
“I so did! When Gilly first moved in with us, Josh pretended to be a girl.”
I laughed again, causing the couple at the table a few feet away from us to turn and look at me.
“As if!” I said, trying to get my breath back.
“I know, I couldn’t believe it either. Our family were convinced he’d be gay, but look at him now? Girlfriends everywhere…”
My phone started ringing in my bag. Instantly, my heart dropped. I didn’t want to be disturbed on this perfect night… but most importantly, I didn’t want anything bad to happen whilst I was away. Alicia popped into my head first – followed by Lorna. What had happened?
I grabbed my phone and looked at who was calling. Kris..
“Hello?” I answered, looking at Rhys who also seemed concerned.
“Gaby?” Kris replied, sounding breathless.
“Kris? What’s going on? Is everything okay?” I rushed out quickly.
“Erm, not really.” He sounded very upset. My heart had dropped out of my body. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. Just panic.
“Kris, talk to me!” I said angrily, standing up and walking out of the restaurant so I could hear him properly. “Is Alicia okay?”
Just as I asked, I heard her make her little excited noise. I gasped with relief, smiling for a few seconds.
“Alicia’s fine.” Kris replied, pausing. The smile on my face vanished.
“Lorna?”
“No, it’s Zoë.”
“Oh god, what happened?” I gasped, totally shocked. I can’t handle another problem in my life.
“She’s been in an accident. I don’t really know the details, Mike wouldn’t explain. But I have to go see her Gaby, I have to get to the hospital. Please could you get Alicia?” It took him a long time to get his sentence out.
“Of course. Give me 15 minutes, I'll be right there.”
“Thank you.”
I rushed back into the restaurant to where Rhys was sat.
“We have to go.” I said quickly, “Zoë’s been in some kind of accident.”
“What? Is she alright?”
“I don’t know. We just have to go back to the flat, okay?” My mind was going blank. I didn’t know what to do. “Er, bill…?” I looked around for a waitor.
“I'll sort it out, you get back to the flat.”
“Right, okay.” I nodded, not even thinking about how I hardly knew where I was. All I could think about was Zoë, and whether she was in a serious condition, and how everyone else was feeling. I’m so confused.
I’m so confused.

Lorna's POV

I had woken up an hour ago and yet, I was still lying in my bed which I couldn’t even think about leaving it. Lying here I felt sheltered from the world. Even though, my biggest problem was still growing inside me. What Adrian had said this morning was right, I have wanted a baby – badly – since I was 12. I jokingly wrote on a stupid questionnaire at school once that the career I wanted was to be a mum. And yes, I do realise that was incredibly stupid but I don’t know, it’s just, something I’ve always wanted. But now that I’m getting it, I’m scared. I’m scared to want this baby, scared to feel connected to it in anyway because it’s going to change my life completely.
I suppose, when I said I wanted a baby, I was thinking about it being the whole thing. Okay, that doesn’t make sense, i mean my own little family but if I have this baby that isn’t going to happen. Kris isn’t in love with me, not that I want him to be. We should never have done what we did in the first place. He's a really good friend and I don’t want to lose that.
I don’t want Kyle to love me, I don’t want him to think about me and honestly, if I did have his baby I wouldn’t want him anywhere near either of us. He wouldn’t be involved in my baby’s life.
And Zak, the one person in the world that I have ever loved this much, would resent me for having it regardless of who the father is, even if it is his.
I jumped as I heard Elliot’s bedroom door slam shut, followed seconds later, by the slamming of the front door to the flat. Now I was home all alone, I think. When I’d woken up the flat was eerily quiet although I could still hear Elliot doing something in his room next door. I sat up in my bed and rubbed my eyes. I could see myself in the mirror directly opposite me and I would be lying to myself if I thought I looked even remotely okay. Even if I was well slept, I certainly didn’t look it. I looked incredibly pale, except the dark circles below my eyes. And as for my hair, it could definitely win world’s worst bed head. I stuck one leg out of my bed then the other and stood up.
I suppose another reason I was staying in my bed was that I was scared someone would realise that I was pregnant. I know that I’m not that pregnant but I could see it. Not dramatically and maybe I was only noticing it because I was looking for it but something had changed. I sat down in front of the desk and picked up a brush and began dragging it through my tangled hair. I picked up my phone to check the time. God, it's nighttime! I wanted to see people, apologize. I needed to apologize to Gaby for my sister, again! I needed to apologize to Zak, earlier he was being really sweet and talking about “our” baby but I’m terrified it isn’t. And I needed to apologize to Claire, we still hadn’t spoken since she slapped me and we have NEVER fallen out, EVER! I wanted to go see everyone from home and try to convince them that I’m okay but it’s a bit late for that now. I need to go outside, go for a walk.

Half 9, but at least I was now clean, wearing clothes and even had a little bit of make up on. I was stood in the kitchen, still in the flat completely alone and I couldn’t work out why although, I’d missed practically a full day because I was asleep. I ripped a piece of paper out of Elliot’s pad that he’d left sat in the living room and tried to think of something to write. But what do you say to your flat mates who discovered like 2 days ago that you’d been raped and the same flatmates that you’re lying to about being pregnant?!
I propped it up against the pile of magazines that were sat on the worktop and then headed before the door. Then decided that that wasn’t a good enough note and would probably make them think I’d gone out to get pissed again.
Ps, by that I don’t mean that I’ve gone for more vodka – I don’t need to there’s still plenty in my room – and I don't plan on spending another night in the bush in the park, ever again!
I took one more look at the note before deciding that writing that there’s still plenty in my room was pretty stupid so I scored through that part with my pen. I propped the note back up against the magazine and had a quick look in the fridge just in case I ended up walking to Asda or something but for once it was full. Then checked I had my phone and my iPod with me and headed out of the door.

It was the first of October today so I knew it would be cold but I wasn’t thinking about it being wet! I was wearing a tshirt and a fleece that had a broken zip so I was actually freezing! The rain was falling from the sky and literally bouncing off of the ground and at the moment I was just walking into Asda and it takes a good 25 minutes to walk here, that’s if you walk the sensible way and don’t cut through the scary forest, but it’s dark and I’m a wimp so not tonight. Once I went in the door I instantly felt disgusting, all warm and soggy. I pulled out a trolley and started walking around the aisles even though we didn’t need anything. I just felt happy to be out of the flat. I walked up and down each aisle even though I knew I wasn’t getting anything from them. I walked around the whole shop – ending up with just a more magazine, milkshake, haribo, jaffa cakes, pasta and pasta sauce – before I went to the clothes section. I walked around each and every bit in that, then I got to the maternity section and instantly felt ill again. I’d spent the last half hour walking about Asda with my iPod in not thinking, just humming along to whatever song my iPod decided to play next. I stood there in the aisle for seconds before walking straight past all of the maternity clothes and then I turned straight into the next aisle, even worse, baby clothes.
I walked down the aisle looking at everything and then just when I got to the end I started to cry just as I realised something. I leaned forward and took the TINY baby grows off of the rack and sat them in the trolley. They made me think of the first time I held Becky, how amazing it felt. Then the first time I heard Alicia; the smile that was stuck on Gaby’s face and the same look she gets anytime Alicia smiles or giggles. I’m going to have that. I’m going to have a little baby that’s all mine. I wiped the tears from my cheeks and smiled for the first time in god knows how long. I’m going to have a baby! I put my hand onto my stomach and let it sit there for seconds before laughing slightly at the cheesiness of myself.
“Lorna?” The voice said shivers down my spine. My mood changed instantly. I turned round and I saw him, stood there right behind me.
“Are you okay?” He asked rubbing my arm.
“Do not touch me!” I said sternly, letting go of the trolley and leaving it stranded as I walked out straight out of the shop.
“Lorna, talk to me” Kyle said, walking practically incredibly close to me.
“Why?!” I said, turning round to face him once I got out to the front of the shop. “Really, give me one reason why I should talk to you?” I stood there as the rain ran down my face which thankfully was hiding my no longer happy tears.
“I can’t deal with this!” I snapped, turning on my heels and walking speedily round the corner.
“We need to talk about what happened!” He snapped, quickly catching up with me.
“Not a chance in hell!” I snapped, getting quicker and quicker. As I walked the rain and the wind were both hitting off of my face.
“I need you to speak to me!” He said, walking quicker than I was so he didn’t lose me.
“YOU RAPED ME!” I turned round and screamed right into his face. I couldn’t even bare to look at him, the second my mouth was shut I was back around and racing ahead again.
“I didn’t mean to!” He said, awkwardly, at almost a whisper.
I turned round and laughed into his face. “You didn’t mean to?!” I said with disbelief. “You didn’t mean to?!” I repeated.
“It was an accident!” He said.
“An accident?!” I muttered, this time not even bothering to turn round. I just wanted to be with Zak, Adrian or even Neil! I didn’t feel safe with Kyle, not anymore I couldn’t stop trying to run away from him. “I didn’t mean for you to get pregnant!” This time I stopped dead on feet causing Kyle to walk into the back of me. I took a step away from him before turning round. The rain was still bouncing off of the ground and there were no signs of it stopping.
“I’m not pregnant?!” I said, trying my best to sound confused.
“Why did you have baby grows in your trolley then?” He accused.
“For Alicia!” I shouted, turning round and started to walk along the street again. I heard Kyle mutter that Alicia was too old for them now and he was right. Cars were driving past us, splashing in puddles with the window wipers moving quickly from side to side. I could feel Kyle walking speedily behind me before he grabbed my wrist and pulled me round to face him.
“Get your hand off of me!” I shouted, pulling my hand out of his grip.
“Do not lie to me!” He said, his shouted. His face inches away from mine.
“Kyle, I will phone the police!” I said, barely a whisper. I was scared. If he hurts me, he’s hurting my baby too.
“Is it mine?” He said, violently grabbing my hand again. I said nothing. My eyes watching the rain, deliberately avoiding Kyle’s gaze. His grip on my hand tightened.
“You’re hurting me!!” I screamed, using my other hand to awkwardly reach into my jacket pocket.
“Tell me the truth and I’ll stop!” He said aggressively but no longer shouting at me.
“I am pregnant!” I admitted, his grip loosened but only slightly.
“Is it mine?” He asked.
“I don’t know!” I said, struggling to get my hand free. “It could be yours or Kris’s or Zak’s. I don’t know!” He relaxed his hand again slightly and I pulled my hand free.
“When will you find out?” He asked, trying to be calm.
“Wednesday” I said, quietly, sliding up my phone inside my pocket.
“If it’s mine –“ He started but I took my chance and I ran. The quicker I got back into the centre of Hollyoaks the safer I’d be where there were people there so he was less likely to hurt me. I ran as fast as I could up the side street which lead up to the forest. I couldn’t bare to turn round and see him running after me. He was faster and stronger than me. If he was going to hurt me I had no chance. I took my phone out of my pocket as I ran and pressed the green call button twice phoning the last person who I had phoned. Gaby. The phone rang and rang and I kept running. I couldn’t let him hurt me again, if he hurt me, the baby got hurt too and if I told him that if I kept his baby there was no chance in hell of him seeing it ... he was bound to lose his temper. The phone continued to ring until I got to her voicemail.
“Gaby!” I said, completely breathless because I’d been running. I began to slow down as I started to run out of breath. “I went to Asda and I ran into Kyle! Gabs he’s following me! Help me please!” I said trying to be quiet as I could hear Kyle shouting my name. “I’m about to go through the forest. The one we played hide and seek in at Christmas. Just pl-“ I started but Kyle grabbed my phone and threw it onto the road. A car drove over it almost instantly after it hit the tarmac. I heard the snap as my phone split into 2 separate pieces.
“Did you just phone the police?!” He shouted at me, grabbing a hold of me again. Except this time he twisted my wrist around.
“STOP!” I screamed! I used my finger to poke him in the eye. The second my finger touched his eye he let go of my hand and I started running again. This time faster. I ran through the path into the forest past the trees. The noise of the wind rustling through the trees. My phones gone. I’m screwed. I can’t phone anyone. Not even the police. I kept running, past more and more trees. Just wishing I could see somewhere I knew letting me know I was safe. I could hear Kyle running after me, the leaves crunching below his feet.
“Lorna, I won’t hurt you” I could hear him cry from behind me! He had already tried. I turned back round to look at him again as the noise got closer. My feet hit a rock and my legs collapsed below me causing me to land on top of a smashed up vodka bottle which lay on the soggy soil, slicing my stomach through my t-shirt. I winced as I felt the glass go into my skin and without thinking I quickly jerked causing them to cut me further and small drops of blood to appear on my t-shirt. Then I managed to clamber back onto my feet trying to be careful, not hurting the new cuts that now covered my stomach. When I got onto my feet Kyle was stood right beside me, causing me to instantly tense up.
“Are you okay?” He asked, reaching out to hold my hands but I quickly pulled my hand away.
“I’d be okay if you left me alone!” I said, edging away from him slowly.
“I need you to talk to me!” He said forcefully. “Explain what’s happening!”
“I don’t know who’s baby it is” I said. “But Kyle I am telling you now that if it is yours and I keep it. There is NO way you are going to be in its life!” I shouted.
“You can’t say that to me!” He said, raising his voice slightly.
“Kyle you should be in jail for what you did to me!” I shouted, the wind blowing cold and making me shiver.
“But you wouldn’t do that to me!” He said, trying to sound calm but I knew he was angry at me.
“I wouldn’t?” I said. He picked up his hand and slapped me, hard causing my cheek to instantly burn and the cool rain to feel even more cold as it ran down my cheek.
“I’m sorry” He said, shocked at himself.
“What happened to you?” I wept. I started to walk forward again and this time he didn’t follow me. I just kept walking further into the forest. I stuck my hand onto my stomach and instantly my hand was covered in blood. I was going to need stitches – which meant i needed to have a good lie to tell the hospital.
I walked for a few more minutes without Kyle following me before I started to run, just in case he decided to chase me again. This time I didn’t run as fast but I was still eager to get home, back to halls. I know Kyle knows where I live but at least there someone would be with me. I stopped to catch my breath as soon as I could see Hollyoaks ,faintly in the distance I could see the street lights. I just had to carefully make my way down a pretty steep slope – I was definitely gonna fall on my arse and then up ano-
“If your not gonna let me see my own fucking kid, you can’t fucking have it!” Kyle’s voice whispered into my ear and then i felt his hand on the bottom of my back and then he pushed me...

Gaby's POV

“I need to be there, I need someone to watch Alicia.” I repeated for the millionth time to Rhys. I was sat on the sofa, and he was stood in front of me hands on my shoulders. “Why don’t you understand that?”
“Look, Gaby, I know that Zoë’s your friend, but there are too many people there right now.”
“Rhys! I don’t even know what’s happened to her! I’m worrying to death and nobody’s telling me not to!” I screeched, going to stand up. I walked through to Kris’s room where Alicia was sleeping on Kris’s bed. She was silent, breathing in huge sighs and moving her tiny little lips – as if she was drinking invisible milk. I smiled at her. She always puts me at ease.
“Who else is in?” I asked, looking at Rhys for an answer. He shrugged, looking at the only 2 doors that were closed. Lorna’s and Natalie’s.
I hadn’t seen Natalie in weeks, and every time I did see her she’d give me this look, like she hated me. I don’t even remember doing anything wrong to her. She’s not been the same since Justin hit her, and that was months ago. Ever since then she’s gone downhill. I hope the same doesn’t happen for Lorna. I hope Lorna doesn’t distance herself from everyone, just to fall apart and lose her friends. I’m not saying Natalie’s lost her friends, but she’s pretty much lost me. I never see her, and when I do she is definitely not the same girl she ever was before.
“Shall I try Natalie? Or at least tell her? She’s friends with Zoë…”
“Yeah.” Rhys walked away whilst he was still talking. I don’t think he likes Natalie much. Every time I even talk about her, he goes all quiet and twitchy-looking.

I walked down the hall to Natalie’s door, knocked twice and waited for a reply. After 2 seconds, her voice – sounding very confused – finally answered.
“Hellooo?”
I opened the door.
“Gaby! I didn’t know anyone was in.” She said, smiling at me. But it wasn’t an ‘I’m-really-glad-to-see-you!’ smile, it was an ‘I’m-only-smiling-because-I-have-to’ smile.
“Yeah, me and Rhys, and maybe Lorna I think.” I said, rushed. “Have you heard about Zoë?”
“What about her?” Natalie asked, suddenly seeming concerned.
“I don’t really know. She’s been in some kind of accident, and everyone’s at the hospital and I want to go but I can’t go because of Alicia…”
“Oh my God! Is she okay? How badly hurt?” Natalie suddenly seemed alert, off her bed and stood in front of me.
“I don’t know. That’s why I need to go!” I said, frustrated. “I’m guessing you can’t watch her then?”
“I want to go to the hospital.” She said, putting her jacket on.
“Right, okay, you go I'll try and come down later.” I muttered as she threw a bag around her shoulder and rushed off out. Lucky bitch.

“Have you tried Sam or Ella? Ben? Any of those lot?” Rhys asked as I came back through to the sitting room.
“No.” I muttered, getting my phone out. I called Ella first. As soon as she answered I knew it was a no. I could hear the heavy beat of night club music, erh.
“Gabyyyyyyy.”
“Hey El, I’m guessing you’re busy?”
“I’m at Lunoku – why?” She replied. Great, she’s at the busiest nightclub in Chester!
“It doesn’t matter. Who’s with you?”
“Sam, Pete, Olly, Imry, Kate, Tasha, Ryan, Paula, Chlo, Zest, Smithy… Er, that’s it.”
Funny how I know everyone she means, but I never see any of them.
“Right, okay, doesn’t matter. Thanks.”
“Okay…” She sounded very confused, but soon the dialling tone was all I heard.
I rang Ben quickly, she hadn’t mentioned him being out.
He answered after 2 or 3 rings.
“Hello?”
“Ben! Are you busy?” I asked, hoping with all my heart that he’d say no.
“Not really, why?”
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
“I really need someone to watch Alicia. Zoë’s been in some kind of accident and I really want to be at the hospital…”
“Of course, yeah. Shall I come to yours now?”
“Yeah, that’d be great. She should sleep pretty much the whole time anyway so if you want to – I don’t know, sleep? Or watch tv? You should be able to.”
“Right, I'll head to yours.”
“Thanks so much.” I was so glad he said yes. Ahh, I love Ben.

-

It was difficult getting Alicia from halls to my flat. She woke up and wouldn’t stop crying whilst I was putting her in her pram, and then when we got back to my flat she was still hysterical. I tried feeding her, but every time her eyes closed and I tried to put her down, she’d cry again. It was almost half an hour before she finally settled on her own and I could leave her with Ben. I told him I didn’t know how long I’d be, so he could sleep in my bed if he wanted… but no, he refused so instead I gave him a pillow and blanket and told him to make himself at home on my sofa.
Then I finally left for the hospital.

I rang Kris when we were a minute or so away, asking where they were. He said the Emergency room, and my heart literally sank. So it was an emergency then? Something seriously bad must’ve happened. We walked in and saw Archie almost straight away. He was coming out the men’s toilets, white as a sheet and eyes wide.
“Archie! Are you okay? How is she?” I asked, following him down the corridor. Is it bad that until now, I’d completely forgotten they were brother and sister?
“I don’t know anything. The doctors won’t tell me anything.” He said angrily, walking into a room where Mike, Kris, Natalie and Amy were all sat.
“What happened? Why’s she even in here?” I asked as Rhys took a seat opposite everyone. I continued to stand up.
“We think she was stabbed.” Amy answered.
“But we found her in the middle of the road, so I’m not sure if she was run over or what…” Mike whispered, tears running down his cheeks.
“Was no one with her?” I asked, confused.
“Where’s Alicia?” Kris asked, but I ignored him.
“No, I was taking the rubbish out and I just saw her…” Amy answered, suddenly going off into a haze.
“Oh god.” I said, just sitting onto the floor in front of everyone. I rested my back against Rhys’s legs.
“Where’s Alicia?” Kris asked again.
“With Ben.” I answered, tilting my head back. Rhys started playing with my hair. It was nice.
“How long have you all been here?” Rhys asked, and I looked forward again.
“About an hour, maybe 2? I don’t know.” Archie mumbled. He was just staring into space. My heart broke for him. He seemed so confused and hurt, and Archie’s such a lovely person. I hate how horrible life is.
The room remained silent for a good twenty minutes until finally Zak burst into the room.
“What’s going on? Is Zoë okay?” He asked, looking around at everyone.
“We don’t know.” Archie mumbled.
“Well what happened? Why’s she even in here?”
“We don’t know!” Mike shouted, before standing up and storming out the room. I couldn’t help it; tears began leaking from my eyes. Rhys held onto me tighter and I buried my head into his chest. I’m so glad he’s here with me. I love him so much. I’ve nearly been going out with Rhys for a year. Well, close enough. It’s been around 10 months now. October. I love October. Alicia’s 12 weeks old today. 11th of October… I gasped out loud. Everyone’s head turned towards me.
“Sorry.” I mumbled. I’d just realised it’s Becka’s birthday and I haven’t sent her a message or anything. But to be honest, there are so many other more important things on my mind right now that I don’t think me forgetting her birthday is particularly important.

The minutes rolled by, slower than ever before. Mike came back into the room at around 10pm, evidently having failed to require information from the nurse at the station outside. Finally – at nearly 1 in the morning – a female doctor walked into the room. But she did not look like a doctor. She was gorgeous with long curly blonde hair and tanned skin. If she wanted, she could easily be a supermodel. The doctor smiled politely and looked around.
“Hi, I’m Dr Oslo. Are you here for Zoë Carpenter?” She asked out to the whole room. I sat myself up so I could look more able.
“Yes, yes we are.” Mike answered, walking over to her. “How is she? Is she okay?”
“First, may I ask your relationship with the patient?” Dr Oslo asked, as politely as you can put such a thing.
“Boyfriend – Fiancé actually.” He mumbled, lips quivering.
Behind me I could hear Archie and Amy questioning the fiancé part. It puzzled me too, but I thought that was not important at this moment in time. Dr Oslo’s eyes widened briefly, clearly shocked at the fact Mike wasn’t Zoë’s father, before she professionally covered it up.
“Would you mind talking to me in the other room, please?”
“Can I come? I’m her brother.” Archie piped up, jumping out of his seat. “I’m her brother.” He repeated.
Dr Oslo nodded, “If you’d just follow me.” She beckoned for them to go through a door at the side of them room, which I’m guessing is some kind of office.
They were in their for a good ten minutes, obviously whilst the doctor explained everything that was going on. I hoped. There was a small part of me that worried she was telling them Zoë had passed… but she hasn’t. My mind pushed that away. I have to think positively. I could tell Kris was worrying about that too, along with Zak. Both of them had tears in their eyes, and Kris’s leg was shaking uncontrollably.

Finally, when they walked out of the room, we knew it was good news. Archie had a little bit more colour in his face, and Mike couldn’t stop thanking the doctor.
“I'll let you know when you can see her. It shouldn’t be long.” Dr Oslo said, smiling before leaving the room.
“What’s going on?” Amy asked Mike as he stayed stood in the doorway.
“She’s in a stable condition. She had to have surgery to control the inner bleeding and to sort out her ribs – she’d cracked 3 of them – but they think she’ll be okay.” Archie answered, a smile twitching the corners of his lips.
“What actually happened to her?” Natalie asked, quietly because she was clearly worried Mike might snap again.
“They say she was stabbed at least 4 times… And they also think she may then have been hit by a car.”
“Oh god.” I mumbled, a tears dripping from my eye. I wiped it away quickly. I should be happy. Then why was I still worried like hell?
Dr Oslo poked her head round the door.
“You can go in now.” She said, smiling. “She’s in room 43.”
Everyone stood up and walked out of the room, heading down the corridor to Zoë’s room. Mike walked in first, followed by Natalie who gasped. Archie shoved past her, heading inside the room and I waited for everyone else before I went in. I understand why Natalie gasped. Zoë had bandages everywhere and tubes coming out of everywhere. Beeping could be heard from the machine at her bedside, and a large bag of blood was hooked into her hand. The colour had been completely washed from her. If it wasn’t for the bleeping of the machine, I would have been certain she was a corpse and had been for days. She looked a mess.

“Hey baby.” Mike held her hand and sat in the seat next to her. As if she knew he was there, her eyes started to flutter open. Her crusty lips moved silently, until finally – very hoarsely – she mumbled, “Mike?” and Zak dashed out of the room to get the doctor.
“Hi, hey, I’m here.” He said, stroking her hair.
“Mike.” Tears started pouring out of her eyes. It seemed she couldn’t really say much more.
Zak walked back into the room, followed by Zak. She dashed over to Zoë and started fumbling around with the machines and taking notes.
“Well, you’re awake a bit early but that just shows progress really.” She said, smiling. The nurse was quite short and stodgy looking, with bushy brown hair tied back into a low bobble. “Now, you’re going to find things a bit difficult right now, so take everything easy. Would you like a drink?”
Zoë nodded, not being able to gather the energy to sing.
“I'll be back in a tick.” The nurse said, folding the sheets up and putting them in the box at the end of Zoë’s bed. She left the room but returned quickly with a jug of water, a cup and a straw. “There you go.”
Mike immediately poured Zoë a glass, put the straw in the cup and brought it to her lips. She sucked it quickly, drinking the whole glass in about 10 seconds. The nurse smiled and left the room quietly.
“That’s better.” Zoë muttered. Tipping her head back. “What h-happened?” She said, sounding completely out of breath.
“You were stabbed, sweetheart.” Mike sad, stroking her hair again.
“Yeah, I was.” Zoë nodded and gulped.
“But you’re okay now.” Archie said, sitting on her other side and clearly trying to make the mood in here brighter. “You’ll be yourself again in no time!”
Zoë just smiled at him.

Natalie left not long after Zoë woke up, but the rest of us stayed a good couple of hours until Zoë finally dropped off to sleep. Me, Rhys, Zak and Kris decided we should leave then, saying goodbye to Mikey, Amy and Archie and leaving the hospital room.
“It’s been a long night.” Rhys said, putting his arm around me.
“Yeah it has.” I muttered, my eyes felt way too heavy. I checked my phone. Missed call from Lorna and a voicemail.
“Right, I’m going to go get some food before we go. Want anything?” Someone asked behind me. I didn’t listen.
I was looking at the other end of the corridor, waiting for my phone to connect to voicemail. 3 doctors, a nurse, a paramedic and clearly a worried boyfriend were racing down with a girl on a bed. I recognised him…
“Gaby?”
I wasn’t concentrating on what Kris was saying. My phone had connected. Lorna sounded breathless, completely petrified.
“Help me! Please! I’m about to go through the forest –the one we played hide and seek in at Christmas. Just pl-” She screamed and I heard the phone collide with something before cutting out. My heart stopped. What happened to Lorna? Just as I clicked the green button to call her back, the paramedic came into earshot.
“20 year old female, fell down a ditch. She’d been there a few hours. Severe injuries – suspected pregnancy.”
Suddenly it dawned on me how I knew this person and anger burned through me, followed by sudden worry and fear.
“Lorna.” I gasped, as the doctors all rushed past us. No one else noticed. They were all too busy talking, clearly just assuming that was someone they didn’t know. “Lorna!” I screamed, running after the doctors. I heard Kris sounding confused behind me, but Zak was right next to me rushing towards her.
“Excuse me sir, you’re going to have to wait out here.” A nurse said, beginning to close the door of the room they’d taken Lorna into.
“But she’s my-”
“Sir, please.” The nurse closed the door abruptly and we couldn’t go through any further.
Kris and Rhys finally caught up to us, just as Zak slammed himself to the floor.
“Not tonight! NOT TONIGHT!” He screamed, and a few people turned to look at them. I fell onto the floor next to him and hugged him. He started crying. I’d never really seen Zak cry. He’s always seemed like a strong masculine person, and every time I see him cry it doesn’t fail to shock me.
“What happened? What’s going on?” Kris asked, looking at me confused.
“That was Lorna on the bed.” I told him, worry pulsing through my veins. I can’t understand! Why was Lorna in here? I felt like I knew why. Kyle was with her. Kyle… Oh my God! If I’d got that message earlier. If my phone hadn’t been on silent and I’d actually answered it…
“What?” Rhys asked, his eyes wide and fearful.
“She- they said she fell down a ditch and she had severe injuries and… and..” I didn’t want to say the last one. Clearly Lorna didn’t want anyone to know she was pregnant. I wasn’t going to say that to everyone. “She rang me.” I said, tears pouring out of my eyes. Zak pulled himself out of my arms and we swapped places, his arms holding me tighter than anything. His hugs we like bear hugs. I’m not sure I like it, but at this moment in time I couldn’t car less. Someone took my phone out of my hand and a moment later I heard Rhys say something. He sounded disgusted.
“Was that Kyle?” Rhys asked, sounding extremely angry. “That lad that looked all upset, was that him?”
“Yes.” Zak answered coldly. He sounded angry.
“Oh god, Lorna…” Kris had obviously just heard the message too. “Oh, Hello?”
I looked up. Kris was on my phone. “It’s Kris.” He muttered, “Right, okay, I'll be back in about 15 minutes. I think Gaby’s probably going to stay here. Thanks Ben.”
“Is everything okay?” I asked, going to stand up.
“Alicia’s being hysterical. She won’t settle at all. I'll go back, you stay here.”
“No.” I muttered. I was so tired. Yes, I wanted to stay here and be with both Lorna and Zoë, but it was gone 4am and I know that Alicia’s going to be confused and will never calm down unless I’m there.
“I'll go.” I said, standing up. I took my phone off him and wiped the tears away from my eyes. “She’ll calm easier for me.”
“I’m coming with you.” Kris said, and I understood why. With everything that’s going on right now, all I want is for Alicia to be here with me – safe.
Rhys was looking at me, silently asking what I wanted him to do.
“Are you tired?” I asked him quietly, so only he could hear me.
“I’ve passed that stage.” He replied, putting his arms around my waist.
“I think you should stay here with Zak, and try and keep him stable. He’s a mess and he can’t be on his own. I'll call Natalie and get her down here too.”
“Don’t bother with Natalie.” He said, giving me a look.
“What’s going on with you and Natalie?!” I snapped, and he went wide eyed.
“Wha-nothing!”
“You’ve been avoiding each other for weeks, and you’re always so bitter towards one another. Have you fallen out?”
“Just a bit.” He shrugged, “It’s nothing – she just irritates me.”
He didn’t sound very truthful, but I let it pass.
“I have to go.” I said, and he bent down to kiss me. I pulled him into a hug and then walked over to Zak. “Please keep me posted – try and find out as much as you can. Make sure you say you’re her boyfriend or something, because otherwise they wont tell you anything.”
“I think Kyle’s said he’s her boyfriend.” He muttered, sounded severely pissed off.
“Say you’re her brother then! I don’t care, just get information.” I said, giving him a hug. “I love you. Stay strong.” I said, pulling away. I went to Rhys again and gave him a last kiss. “I love you more.” I whispered quietly. He smiled and me and Kris finally walked away down the corridor. Home.

Ben stayed at mine that night, along with Kris who stayed on the other sofa. I calmed Alicia down within about 5 minutes, before feeding her to sleep. She had about 3 extra hours before waking up at just gone half 7 in the morning. I’d only slept about half an hour in the whole night. I couldn’t sleep any more. By the time Alicia was awake, I’d already had a quick shower and got myself changed (I didn’t bother washing my hair, I just scraped it back). Once Alicia was ready, we could go back to the hospital for Lorna and Zoë. No one had contacted me all night. I wasn’t sure if Kris had heard anything. I hadn’t left my room since half 4 in the morning. Once I’d sorted Alicia out, I walked out of my room to find both Kris and Ben awake, with breakfast and the tv on quietly.
“Morning.” I mumbled, passing Alicia over to Kris who took her desperately. He wanted to hold her and protect her last night, but she refused to stop crying for anyone but me so in the end I got her back. It was nice seeing Kris hold her. You could just tell how much he loved her, just by the way he needed to make sure she was safe.
“We thought you were still asleep.” Kris said, looking at me. He could clearly tell I’d been away for hours.
“I haven’t slept since half 5.” I told him. He looked like he was going to say something, but knew it would lead to an argument so said nothing.
“Ben, thank you so much for last night.” I said, facing him. “I’m sorry you had to stay all night…”
“It’s honestly no problem.” He said, “I pretty much slept most of the time.”
“Well, both of you feel free to stay here as long as you want, but I’m going to head up to the hospital again.” I said, going over to the table and getting my bag. “Have you heard anything from anyone?” I asked Kris. He just shook his head.
“I'll be up in about an hour with Alicia.” He said, giving me a look. I nodded and smiled before leaving the flat. I drove to the hospital as fast as I could and rushed into the emergency room. I asked at the station where Lorna was, and practically sprinted to her room.

Rhys, Zak and Claire were all sat outside it.
“Hey.” I said, coming to a halt. “Is everything okay? What’s going on?”
“Gabs.” Zak stood up and gave me a hug. “It’s not looking good.”
My heart jumped to my throat. My eyes were stinging with tears already. Rhys took my hand and I moved from Zak to him, before pulling away.
“What’s happened? Have you spoken to a doctor?”
“They think Lorna hit her head hard when she fell and her brain’s swelling. She’s in surgery now.”
My heart stopped.
“They also think she had internal bleeding and may have broken part of her spine.”
“What?” I gasped, “How far did she fall?”
“You know the ditch in the forest I once pretended to push you down that time?” Rhys asked, putting an arm around me. I gulped and nodded. That ditch was definitely a good hundred foot high. I always said they should put a fence around it. But you could walk down it… It was just really steep. Oh god. Poor Lorna.
“She’s lucky to be alive.” Claire muttered quietly.
“Alive..” Zak whispered.
“She is! Right now she’s alive and she will stay that way!” Claire snapped at him. “Don’t start thinking negatively – please!”
“I’m thinking realistically.” Zak said back to her, calmly.
“Well stop it! It’s not realistic! It’s fake and completely negative! How can you say such a thing?! Do you not care about her at all?” Claire was hysterical…
“Not care?! I love that girl more than anything else in the whole world, and the last thing I said to her was that I can’t trust her anymore and we’ll never be together! She could die thinking I don’t love her and I’m moving on when all I ever want to do I grab her and hold her – and right now I want to fucking kill the sick bastard who’s done this to her but I can’t! Because he ran off and no one knows where the hell to!”
Everyone was quiet.
“I’m going to get a drink. Does anyone want anything?” I asked, putting my bag on the floor in front of Zak’s feet.
“I’m alright thanks.” Claire muttered, turning away from Zak.
“I'll come with you.” Rhys said, but before we left to go anywhere a doctor appeared. This one was a male, and he was quite old with white balding hair and a faded grey stubbly beard.
“Good morning, I’m Dr Kennedy, I believe you’re here with Lorna Wilson?” He didn’t seem to be talking gravely. But then, I guess I was just looking for all the positive things.
“Is she okay?” Zak asked, standing up.
“She’s still in a critical condition, but we’ve managed to stabilize her and stop the swelling of the brain. She had a lot of internal damage – she’s extremely lucky to be alive right now.” Dr Kennedy said, obviously trying to keep everybody positive.
“So she should be alright?”
“If she remains how she is now, she should steadily get better.”
“Oh god.” Zak sighed both with fear and relief. We still couldn’t relax, but we also could. It was all very confusing.
“I’m afraid, however, there is one problem…”
Everybody stared at Dr Kennedy, terrified of what he was about to continue with.
“Sadly, Lorna lost her baby.”
Rhys froze, before narrowing his eyes in utter confusion at the doctor. Claire opened her mouth, as though she was going to say something, before realising there were no words and closed it again. Zak however acted like he already knew this shocking news, and just nodded his head sadly. He was looking at me, confused. Like he was asking me how I knew. Truth is, I only found out because the paramedic said so.
“And-” The doctor continued, -“we’re worried the extent of her injuries may have led to severely damaging her uterus.” He paused. “I’m afraid Lorna may never be able to have children.”

Alyson's POV

“Okay” Adrian said, in the reply to the Doctor. To me, he was talking alien speak but thankfully Adrian seemed to know what he was on about. He had introduced himself as a Doctor. I suppose that did mean they would explain more things to him but for me, it meant for the next few minutes I was going to have to just stand and listen and pretend I knew what he was saying about my little sister. I was watching Adrian’s face change along with each thing the Doctor said and it wasn’t good. I don’t believe her friend’s didn’t even phone and tell us. When Claire spoke to Neil she said that Lorna had been in since around 4 this morning and her only family were just finding out now about 6 hours later. Lorna’s supposedly been in surgery and in that time and everything and no one even fucking phoned me! Claire also told Neil she’d been here since 5am this morning. I’ve known Claire since she was like 3 years old and when my own baby sister’s life’s hanging in the balance she doesn’t even think to wake me up and tell me before she left! She was sleeping right next to me!! I know I’ve not been the best big sister ever but that doesn’t mean I don’t love her any less than they do. What if she had died and I was still sitting in Zak’s flat watching some crappy morning TV show!? I was so angry. I hadn’t even thought about Kyle and how it was most probably his fault that my little sister was in here right now. According to Gaby Kyle was with Lorna when she was first brought in. God, It was probably her that told them not to fucking tell me. My blood was actually boiling, I was that angry.
“How is she?” Neil asked, stopping as he reached my side. He had let me and Adrian get out before he went to park the car.
“I don’t know” I said, my voice cracking as I spoke. I was trying my hardest right now not to cry. My baby sisters in a “critical condition” and I still don’t have a clue what the hell is happening.
“She’ll be okay” He said, although he sounded like he was trying to convince himself of that as well as me.
“Sure” I snapped. “That’s what everyone always says. Mum ... Becky... Lorna’s not gonna be okay and you know it”
“Al, you don’t know that” He said, trying to stay calm, he put his arm around me and I relaxed a little. He walked us over to a chair in the waiting room. I don’t know that. Instantly my shoulders tensed up again. Of course I don’t know that because I’ve been completely oblivious to the fact my sister has been struggling along in hospital for the past few hours, having life threatening surgery and everything. A single tear ran down my cheek. I jumped up out of the chair when I saw Adrian leave the doctor and walk in our direction.
“Where is she? How is she? She’s going to be okay right?” I said, fearing for the answer I didn’t want to hear the second the words left my mouth.
“The doctors think she’ll be okay. They’ve managed to stop the internal bleeding and the swelling of her brain” Even though I already knew that it still shocked me hearing it. Adrian shook his head in reply to his own thoughts. “She’s lost the baby though”
“Baby?!” Neil and I said in unison.
“She was pregnant.” He explained. “She was scared so she lied”
“She told you?” Neil said in disbelief to Adrian who was too busy reading a sign to care what Neil had to say.
He just nodded.
“Why won’t you explain?” I pressed.
“Because right now I need to see my little sister” He said. “I need to be there when she wakes up”
“And you don’t think I do?!” I snapped, walking quicker to catch up with him.
“She might not be able to have kids anymore” Adrian said with disbelief and I gasped. “I don’t want that to be the first thing she hears when she wakes up” Adrian said hurrying up a set of stairs. Neil was walking behind me too shocked to speak.
“It’ll kill her” I muttered. Still reeling from the shock of it all: Miscarriage, surgery, can’t have kids anymore.
“She’s in room 37, on the third floor” He said. “They’ve not let anyone see her yet”
“Why?”
“She was in surgery for a good few hours” Adrian explained, stopping on the stairs and turning to face me. “The Doctors said it was touch and go for a while” He said, taking in a breath that sounded like he was going to cry. “But they’ve got her stabilized now” He said, trying to make things seem better. “Dr Kennedy says family should be allowed in to see her within the next half an hour. They reckon she should wake up this afternoon hopefully”
“I need to see her” I muttered quietly. I’ll feel better when I can see her and watch her. We reached the third floor and Adrian walked over to a reception area. I felt sick, realising that somewhere on this floor my little sister was lying, alone, hooked up to all those machines. She hates being alone. Adrian gestured down a corridor and I followed. I turned to check that Neil was still behind me; his face sheer white with fear and the shock of it all. We all thought she was in bed at halls sleeping, safe. We were walking along the corridor when we saw Claire and Zak sat there randomly in the corridor. Both in their own separate worlds no doubt thinking about my sister. We all stopped suddenly realising that this was Lorna’s room. Both of them were sat looking sick with worry. Zak had already spent the night at the hospital with that Zoe girl who’s his best friend or something so he hadn’t slept at all. He looked so tired but at the same time panicked and alert just in case anything happened with Lorna. “Aren’t they going to let us in?” Zak asked. He even sounded knackered. And Claire just looked terrified. That was the only way to describe it.
“Within the next half an hour they’ll let family in” Neil explained.
“Great” Zak sighed getting upset.
“You can come in” Adrian said. He had a lot of respect for Zak. I guess he liked the fact that with everything that’s gone on he was still always by her side. “They let boyfriends in”
“Kyle’s already said he’s a boyfriend” Zak said bitterly.
“What?!” Adrian said enraged. “He’s not here is he?!”
“No” Zak said, you could tell he was really angry. “He buggered off when she went into surgery” He snapped. “He did something” He snapped. “I don’t know what. But he’s the reason she’s in here”
“We’ll find out” Adrian said.
“Where’s Gaby and that?” Neil asked.
“They’ve gone to see Zoe” Claire said, answering him. She was sat completely glazed over obviously desperate to see Lorna. The last thing they did together was have that stupid fight, when Claire slapped her. It was surreal seeing them fight. They’ve only fell out once for an hour over how slow Lorna is eating soup!! They were ten and even then both of them were in tears! Claire has always been mistaken for Lorna’s sister. She even looks more like her than I do.
“Why haven’t you gone down?”Neil asked, looking at Zak.
“I need to see Lorna” He said, making it clear he was going nowhere. “What have the Doctors told you?”
“They just said about her surgery and about the baby” Adrian started.
“You knew too?!” Claire snapped angrily.
Adrian just nodded. “He also told me about the damage to her uterus could possibly prevent her from having kids”
I watched Claire reacting to hearing that again. She bit her lip awkwardly. Having babies has always been like a running joke with her and Lorna. Carrying on about how something was “Something to tell the grandchildren” and teasing that they couldn’t wait to tell each other’s kids about something insanely stupid one of them had done – that was usually my sister though.
“Yeah” Zak nodded sadly. “Same as us”
“He hopes she will be awake this afternoon” Adrian started.
“How are we supposed to tell her” Zak asked leaning forward in his seat and sitting his head between his hands.
“Do you know –“ Adrian started before stopping and shaking his head.
“Whose kid it is?” Zak sighed before correcting himself. “was”
Adrian nodded.
“No. I don’t want to know anymore”
“Will Lorna want to know?” Claire asked awkwardly. “Did she want to keep it?”
“I don’t know” Adrian and Zak said at the same time with the same annoyed tone.
“What did she say about it?” Claire asked. She was clearly crushed that Lorna hadn’t spoken to her about it.
“She didn’t want to tell you in case you stopped her from aborting it” Adrian explained, looking at the wall rather than at Claire. “both of you” he said looking at me.
“But Lorna doesn’t agree with abortions!” Claire snapped, feeling defensive over the fact that she knows Lorna better than anyone!
“She couldn’t even begin to imagine having to bring up Kyle’s child” Adrian explained. “With everything he’s done to her” I was hurt that he knew more about this than I did. He’s the one who ditched us when mum and dad died and I know that Lorna will always resent him for that but he is who she has turned to when she needed help.
“Adrian Wilson?” A passing doctor said causing all of our heads to shoot up and look at him. It wasn’t the same man from earlier.
Adrian nodded and stood up.
“Family can now see your sister” He said. “She’s doing very well all things considering”
I stood up next to Adrian and he looked at us.
“Just the two of you?” He questioned.
“All of us” I said, causing Neil, Claire and Zak to look up at me.
“Can I ask their relation to the patient?” He asked. “Sorry it’s hospital policy”
“Our younger sister” I said, looking at Claire. “My boyfriend” I said looking at Neil – that couldn’t be more wrong. “And then Zak is Lorna’s boyfriend” I explained
“Wasn’t the man who phoned the ambulance and came with her in the ambulance her boyfriend?” He pressed. It made me so angry; that the man who she now hates was the one holding her hand in that ambulance. My first curled into a ball as I thought about it.
“No. I think you’ll find that’s the guy who raped her a few weeks ago and he’s probably the cause of her falling down the ditch” I said, making it clear I didn’t believe the falling part for a second.
“Oh” The doctor said unaware of what else he could say. He just stood there for a few minutes, shocked.
“Could we see my sister now please?” I snapped.
“Of course” The doctor said. “Room 37”
“Thank you” Adrian said, opening the door and walking into the room. Each of us followed him in and we all gathered at the end of Lorna’s bed. We all knew she was in here. We all knew she was going to be bruised. We all knew she would have scars from surgery. We all knew about the state she was in but it didn’t fail to shock any of us. She had a big bandaged wrapped around her head which some blood had soaked through. Her stomach was also bandaged and she had a plaster cast around her wrist. The doctors never said she had broken it. We all sort of stood there watching her. She didn’t look like Lorna at all. Lorna’s always got rose-y red cheeks which at the moment were nonexistent. She wasn’t talking a whole lot of crap. She wasn’t laughing. She just wasn’t Lorna. Zak moved from the bottom of Lorna’s bed and sat down on the chair right beside her. He picked up her hand and intertwined his fingers with hers. He sat there for a moment just looking at her face before he began to well up and then a single tear slipped from his eye. Her face was badly bruised as well. Her eyes were both virtually black and she had a scratch down her cheek and a cut which had required stitches on her other cheek.
“The Doctors keep saying they are waiting for her to wake up and in my head I’ve had this image that she would be asleep but she’s not” Neil said as if he was thinking out loud.
“Yeah” Claire said. “She’s not snoring louder than anyone else on the planet!”
“Or spread everywhere all over the bed” Neil added in.
“Or cuddling –“ Zak started.
“Rattles” Everyone said at the exact same time. I don’t believe she’s 20 now and still sleeps with that bear! Even when she’s in bed with Zak!
“Don’t tell me she still sleeps with him every night?” Adrian asks.
“If she decided she was gonna stay over at mine she’d go back to halls to get Rattles” Zak said, with a slight smile as he thought about it. “She said she was going to get clothes or a tooth brush or her phone charger” He said. “Even though she had all of that stuff at my flat” He said.
“My baby sister” I shook my head and let out a slight laugh, smiles crept on to the others faces and then they vanished after they had realised that she might not be able to do that stuff again.


An hour passed by slowly and there was still no change.
“I need to get Lorna’s things” I said randomly into the silence. I stood up from my chair and walked toward the door. The 5 of us were sat around the room. Neil and Claire were sat over beside the window. Zak and Adrian were sat at either side of Lorna, watching her intently just in case an eye opened, a hand twitched, any signs of a good change.
“What?” Adrian said as if I had awoken him from his trance. “Why?”
“She’s gonna want her iPod when she wakes up” I said, pressing down on the door handle.
“Wait, Aly, She’s not going to be well enough to jump from the bed and start doing the Macarena” Adrian explained to me.
“I know that” I snapped and then frowned sadly. I would do anything to see Lorna dancing about like nobody’s watching to some random song right now.
“I don’t think you do” Adrian said, clearly annoyed with me.
“I’ve done this twice already” I snapped, snidely. “Waited around while people are at the weakest, waiting on them to get better. In fact it was a year ago today I sat in this hospital and watched my baby drift in an out of consciousness all day and believe me I know that when she was awake she wasn’t her full self! She wasn’t chatting away about the colour of a banana! No, she just lay there! Too drained to do anything else but breathe and blink!” I gulped back the lump that had formed in my throat. “And I know that is probably what Lorna is going to be like for the next few days. And I’m terrified that I lose her as well! So I’m sorry if I want to do something as small as make sure her iPod is charged!” I wiped away my tears. “I can’t sit here feeling powerless over what’s happening to Lorna anymore!” I snapped, slamming the door as I walked out of the room. Once I left the room I just stood there in front of the door knowing full well that Adrian knew better than to come after me. I closed my eyes the second the door closed behind me in a bid to stop my tears but it didn’t work. I had managed to upset myself more by bringing up Becky and stirring up all the feelings that each morning when I wake up I do my best to shut out.
“Has something happened?” I heard a man with a strong Irish Accent ask. Kris.
I shook my head as tears continued to spill from my eyes. I was embarrassed at crying in front of him. He thinks I’m a completely heartless bitch. Hell, all of Lorna’s friends from HCC do and why shouldn’t they. I have been a complete bitch to Gaby the past few times I’ve been there. And it’s out of jealousy more than anything else.
“How is she?” Kris asked. I wiped my eyes and sat down on the chair next to him. It was only then that I noticed he had Alicia sat on his lap. I smiled at her and she ever so shyly smiled back at me.
“No change. Doctor Kennedy? Or someone” I stopped and sniffed back my tears. “told Adrian earlier that she should wake up this afternoon”
“That’s good isn’t it?” Kris pointed out.
“If it happens then of course it is” I smiled wiping my eyes again. Alicia moved her arm about as if she was trying to get my attention.
“How old is she?” I asked. “Alicia, right?”
Kris nodded. “She’s 12 weeks old.. erm ..” he paused to think about it. “today actually” Then shook his head with disbelieve as 12 weeks had already passed.
“She’s so cute!”
“Takes after Daddy, don’t you Alicia?” Kris said and she laughed at him causing me and Kris both to smile.
“How is Z-Zoe?” I asked, running my hands through my hair. God. Zoe and Lorna. Both in the same night.
“I’m not sure” He said. “I went in to see her but Alicia wouldn’t settle. She could tell Gaby and I were upset and she didn’t like it Gaby offered to take Alicia out for a little while but I said I’d take her. We went outside for a bit but it was too cold and now we’re here” Kris said. He was being nice to me for a change. Not that I’m saying he should be nice to me in the first place with the way I am to “the love of his life” well that’s what Lorna seems to think Gaby is to him anyway. We both slipped into our own worlds again until Alicia started giggling at something making me smile. My sister does have a point. You can’t help but smile at babies. I shook my head and began to sob again. She can’t have kids. She’s always wanted kids. Most women in this day and age don’t decide that till later on in life but not my sister. Everyone used to take the piss out of her a lot for her baby obsession. Her and Lesley used to make jokes when they were out shopping about Lorna stealing the babies from their pram’s when the mum’s weren’t looking. God, Lorna.
My head shot up as I heard someone coming down the corridor. A police man was walking down with the Doctor who had told us we could go and see Lorna. They were heading in the direction of Lorna’s room. He stopped directly in front of us when the Doctor had obviously recognized me.
“You’re Lorna’s older sister?” The Doctor asked. I nodded.
“Alyson Wilson?” The Policeman asked. I nodded again. “Hello, I’m PC Smith. Would you mind if I spoke to you and your brother in private?”
I shook my head too shocked to speak. “Adrian is in with Lorna”
“I’ll get him” The Doctor said walking straight into Lorna’s room and coming straight back out with a confused Ade following him. He looked at me confused.
“Is there a room or something we could use?” PC Smith asked the Doctor.
“Of Course” The Doctor said, walking down into a small room just along the corridor from Lorna’s room. The Doctor opened the door to let us in. It was an office type room with a desk and two chairs sat in front of it.
“Will this be okay?” The Doctor questioned.
“Err, Yes thanks” PC Smith answered. He even sounded like a policeman. As he walked into the room he took off his hat before he sat down at one side of the computer before gesturing us to sit down on the two seats at the other side of the table. He was a tall man who looked like he was in his late 20’s, early 30’s. Just a few years older than Adrian. He took out a big pad of paper and sat it down on the desk in front of him. And then a pen and opened its lid before looking up at us. We were both sat there awkwardly. Adrian was fiddling around with his fingers and I just felt sick. He then brought out a tape recorder and sat it down on the table and then a loud click echoed around the silent room as he pressed the record button.
“Your sister is Lorna Wilson, correct?” He asked.
Both of us nodded in unison.
“You need to speak so that your answer can be recorded” He said showing no emotion.
“Yes. Lorna is our sister” Adrian answered impatiently wanting to know what the Policeman was here to say.
“Has your sister ever spoken to you about a man named Kyle Stewart” He asked.
Both of us nodded in unison, again. Realising why the policeman was here. Had Kyle spoken to the police?!
“Speak please” He instructed.
“Yes. He’s been her friend since they were at Nursery”
“Has your sister ever spoken of Kyle acting in any threatening way towards her?”
“Yes” Adrian agreed awkwardly. Knowing that Lorna hadn’t wanted any of this to happen. Although after what happened last night her opinion may have changed.
“Could you develop that?”
“He raped my sister” Adrian gulped.
“Are you aware of when this incident took place?” The policeman made a face as if to say that was what he needed to hear.
“The day after her birthday. August 6th” Adrian explained. I couldn’t speak.
“When did you find out about this incident?” The policemen stated, speaking clearly so that the tape would pick it up.
“A few days ago” Adrian said.
The policeman nodded.
“Were you aware of your sisters pregnancy?”
“I wasn’t until today” I said, answering the policeman myself for a change. “Although Adrian was”
“Mr Stewart said that last night he lashed out at your sister when she told him she admitted she was pregnant. Was your sister aware that Kyle was not the father?” The Policeman questioned.
“Not the father?” I asked confused.
“Yes. It says here” he stopped and gestured to a piece of paper he had obviously got from one of the doctors “that your sister was 15 weeks pregnant. And Mr Stewart has informed the station that before the night of August 6th he had not been involved with your sister in that way for a few years” Adrian and I looked at each other. Completely Speechless. 15 weeks. The baby was Zak’s. It was Zak’s.

Gaby's POV

“I’m starving.” Lorna mumbled, rummaging through the fridge. I was sat on the sofa, watching the tv. She emerged with strawberry milkshake and, as I blinked, I appeared to be standing in front of her. That was strange. I don’t remember walking over here.
“Want to go to the shop?” I asked her, already knowing there was no food in the fridge. She just shrugged.
“This milkshake will fill me. I just need jaffa cakes…” She shrugged, “But I’m way too lazy.”
I noticed her hair was a lot shorter. A good few inches.
“You’ve had a hair cut.” I stated, tilting my head.
“Like a month ago… thanks for noticing.” She started laughing and walked through the fridge. My eyes were wide. I stared at the fridge, utterly confused, before following her. It was a direct link to Dalmellington (the town Lorna’s from) and we were sat in the graveyard. Lorna was dressed in black, crouching over something. I glanced down at myself. I was wearing my black Prada dress, something I could no longer fit in to. Elliot was stood slightly behind Lorna, holding her hand. I moved closer to see what they were looking at, and gasped. A grave was open, and inside it you could see the remains of a small child. The hollow eyes staring up at Lorna… the skeletal arms clutching a tatty old bear. I blinked and the scene changed. I was in a theme park. Lorna was clutching Zak’s hand, smiling, shouting for me to hurry up. I went to rush off but someone pulled me back.
“Where are you going?” They asked. There was no face, but I knew that this was my boyfriend.
“Lorna wants… me…” I trailed off. The scene changed again. I was on a mountainside, standing on the edge of a thousand foot cliff. Lorna was sat, her legs dangling over the side, like this was an every day task.
“Do you know what pain really is, Gaby?” She asked, looking up at me. I glanced down to below the mountainside. A baby, so tiny yet I could easily make it out – despite how high up I was. It lay on the ground, lifeless. Dead.
I gasped for breath. Then suddenly I heard a cry, rippling around me. A baby’s cry. My baby’s cry. Lorna had heard it too. She was looking for the source.
“That’s Alicia.” I said, looking everywhere and anywhere.
“Alicia?” Lorna asked, confused. “Who’s Alicia?”
Looking back at Lorna, I saw her cradling her own child. A boy. Somehow, again, I automatically knew his name. Jake. Lorna was smiling down at him. Shushing him. Loving him…

I woke abruptly.
Tears started pouring out of my eyes.
I was still in Lorna’s hospital room, and the sound of Alicia’s piercing cry had clearly woken me up. Kris had rushed off outside with her and I looked up just in time to see the door close. Rhys looked over at me and noticed I was crying.
“Gaby!” He said it in a whisper, kneeling by my side. I was sat on a chair, my neck sore from leaning back on the wall. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Lorna.” I mumbled quietly, hoping not to attract too much attention from Zak and Aly, who were both sat at Lorna’s side.
“What about her? The doctor says she’s doing alright.” Rhys said, trying to reassure me.
“I j-just had a dream.” I muttered, “and sh-she had a baby.” I closed my eyes. “Rhys, she m-might n-never have a b-baby.” I stuttered. Once I’d finished my sentence, tears spilled from my eyes. I couldn’t stop myself crying. Rhys put his hand on my arm, clearly trying to pull me in for a hug, but it was too awkward with me sat on the chair. I wiped my eyes and tried to calm myself. It took me a good 10 minutes before I was even remotely calm. Alicia was still screaming outside. I stood up quickly, causing Zak to jump, and rushed out of the room so I could settle her.
Kris looked at me concerned as I hurriedly took Alicia off him. It’s been a long day for her. I don’t think she’s slept yet, and she could really do with a sleep. It’s almost 5pm…
“You okay?” Kris asked me, as I rubbed Alicia on the back.
“Not in the slightest.” I mumbled. “I’m going to try and get her off to sleep. Drive around for a bit or something. I won’t be long.” I said, walking out of the hospital with Alicia still screaming in my arms. As soon as I sat in the car, I gave her some milk. She fell asleep on me. That was simple. I tried to manoeuvre her so that she stayed asleep whilst I sorted myself out, but it was impossible. I gently placed her in the car seat and she started crying again.
“Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh…” I whispered in her ear, as I began strapping her in. She stopped crying, but her eyes didn’t close. Looks like I’m still going to have to drive. I started the engine and we drove through Chester and took the longest route possible to get back. Once we were back in the car park, Alicia’s eyes had finally closed and she was fast asleep. I got out the car and carefully took out the seat she was in. I struggled to carry it indoors. The seat alone was unbelievably heavy! I finally got up to Lorna’s room and walked in quietly. I placed Alicia on the floor in the corner where I could easily see her and walked over to Zak.
“How’s she holding up?” I asked, tilting my head.
“Same as ever.” He said, closing his eyes and sighing. I squeezed his arm.
“I think I’m going to go see Zoë.” I mumbled, before turning to Kris, “can you keep an eye on Alicia?”
He nodded at me.
“She might need her nappy doing, if she wakes up.” I said, already heading out the door. I couldn’t say goodbye to anyone. There was already a huge lump in my throat. I walked as fast as I could to the lift, pressed the button for floor 3 and waited as it carried me up. Finally, it came to a halt and the doors clunked open. I darted out and was at Zoë’s room before I really knew what hit me. She was awake, smiling, happy…
“Gaby.” She grinned at me.
“Wow, you look so much better.” I said quietly. She nodded, then the smile left her face.
“How’s Lorna?” She asked, a morbid expression on her face.
“Exactly the same.” I said, looking at the ground. I glanced at Archie. He was avoiding my eyes. I think he felt guilty for not being down with Lorna, but we completely understood. Zoë’s his sister! Elliot was sat next to Zoë, a sad smile on his face.
“I’m so hungry.” Zoë’s voice was quiet. She still looked very frail and weak, but she seemed like herself.
“Can you not eat?” I asked, confused.
“Not until tomorrow.” Mike answered for her. She shrugged, her eyes drooping closed again.
“Is Lorna staying down in the emergency room?” Archie asked, finally looking at me.
“I don’t think so. I think they said that they’re moving her up here as soon as there’s space.” I shrugged. “I’m honestly not sure though.”
There was a brief silence.
“So how are you?” I asked Zoë. She just sighed.
“I’m tired, and I’m sore.” She replied, “But I’m not dead, so that’s got to be good news, right?”
I just nodded, not knowing what else to say.

-

“Gaby?” Rhys made me jump. He’d just got back from the flat. He and Kris had both left at around 7ish to go freshen up and sleep. Lorna was moved up to ward 11, the same ward Zoë was on, at around 9ish; I’d been sat in her room – completely silent except for Alicia’s occasional outbursts – for the last 5 hours. I didn’t even realise what time it was till I glanced at the clock as Rhys said my name.
“Oh, hey.” I mumbled, smiling at him. He didn’t speak much more. Zak was asleep, his head resting on the foot of Lorna’s bed. Zak hadn’t been home at all since Zoë was brought in. He must be knackered.
“You should go home, get some rest.” Rhys said to me. I nodded. Alicia was also sleeping in my arms, clearly exhausted.
“Zak should come with me.” I said, heading over. I nudged him gently. He woke with a start.
“Oh!” He gave me a confused look. “Oh…” He’d clearly just remembered where he was, glancing at Lorna.
“Zak, me and Alicia are going to head home, and I really think you should come too.” I said, as he continued to stare at Lorna. I hadn’t looked at her in hours. If this was the end – and I know I really shouldn’t be thinking that, but the doctor said she should wake up this afternoon and it’s now 12 hours later, so – I do not want to remember her the way she is in here.
“I can’t leave her alone.” He said quietly. The same thought flashed through my mind. Everyone had gone home at around midnight, apart from me and Zak. She would be left alone…
“I'll stay.” Rhys offered, but the quick glance from Zak told him he didn’t want Rhys being the only one here.
“We’ll call Neil. He left this afternoon. I’m sure he’ll come.” I suggested, tugging at Zak’s arm. “Come on.” I begged, and he finally stood up.
“Ring now.” He ordered. I got my phone out and rang. The phone call lasted only 30 seconds. Neil was on his way.
“Happy now? Please, let’s go. Alicia’s getting heavy, and she really needs her sleep.” I said. He seemed to have only just remembered Alicia. He breathed heavily, staring at Alicia longingly. I know that inside Zak was looking forward to Lorna having a child, despite the fact no one knows whether it was his or not. He was definitely ready.
“Ok.” He sounded so quiet, I only just heard him. He kissed Lorna softly on the head, and I squeezed her hand. Rhys hovered at the door.
“Should I stay till Neil comes?” He asked, only so I could hear. I nodded.
“I'll take Zak back, then drive back for you.” I whispered, kissing his cheek. Ignoring his orders telling me to go straight to bed and he’ll get a taxi back.
“Ready Zak?” I asked, he nodded and walked with me out. “I'll see you in about half an hour.” I said to Rhys. He just waved us out.

-
The problem with having a daughter means you can’t just leave whenever you want. So when Zak called me at 5 in the morning telling me Lorna’s condition had deteriorated and she had been rushed into surgery, there was nothing I could do.
“Zak, I’m really sorry, but I can’t just leave.” I told him, my voice shaking. I heard him hit something.
“I need to be there.” He mumbled. “Only Alyson’s there, and Lorna wouldn’t like that.”
“You can take my car.” I said, going through my bag for my keys. “If you come here, I'll give you my keys.”
Within 5 minutes Zak was at mine. He grabbed the keys and left, saying nothing but a quick “thanks.”
I was now extremely worried, of course. But I felt like being at the hospital would only make everything worse. Alicia had too rough a day yesterday. The best thing today would be for her to just stay at home and get back to her routine. She was stressed yesterday, and so far tonight she’d already woken up, numerous times, hysterical.
Her lack of sleep also meant I had lack of sleep, and I cannot stand another day of sleeping in intervals at the hospital. It would kill me. I know I should be there for Lorna, but is there any point when she isn’t even awake? She knows no different.
No. The hospital is the worst place to be right now. I'll go later on, when things are more calm and people know what’s going on.
Yes.
I'll do that.

My plan failed.
At 8am, Elliot rang.
Elliot. Rang. Me.
That meant things were serious. Me and Elliot have been enemies since the first day we met – pretty much. He hated my guts, so just the fact he’d phoned caused my heart to jump to my throat. It was even worse when I couldn’t even answer the phone first time round because Alicia decided to wake up and start screaming for her life. I had to calm her down, begging for Elliot to call back. He did, a couple of minutes later.
“Hello?” I answered, breathless.
“Claire told me to call you. She thinks you should be down here.” He said reluctantly.
“What’s going on? Elliot, I can’t just leave suddenly. I have a to sort Alicia out and I don’t have a car…” I trailed off, waiting for him to talk. He took a few seconds.
“The doctor said Lorna’s in a critical condition, and it’s touch and go.” His voice sounded pained. I think Elliot’s never stopped loving Lorna. She was the first person he ever truly liked.
I hate this.
My stomach was spinning around and round, making me feel pretty sick. I took a deep breath.
“Tell everyone I’m sorry, but Alicia comes first.” I spoke slowly.
“What?!” He sounded outraged. “You’re not coming?”
“She’s not?” I heard someone say in the background, disgusted.
“You’re best friend’s on her deathbed, and you don’t even care.” Elliot said, spitefully. I just put the phone down, tears streaking down my face.
Honestly, what use was there of me being at the hospital? It made no difference…
I gently rocked Alicia and thankfully she went back to sleep (something that, any other day, she would definitely not have done). I put her in her cot, lay back on my bed and closed my eyes.

-

By 6 o clock that night, I still hadn’t heard any news from anybody. Zak, Claire, Aly, Neil, Adrian, Natalie, Elliot – they all kept quiet. Not even Rhys or Kris had been in contact with me. I guess I’m hated.
I didn’t even have a car to get to the hospital in, and there was no way I was getting a bus all the way there with Alicia. I don’t even know if I can get a taxi when I don’t have a car seat… There’s no way I’m walking –it’d take hours.
This is so annoying!
Like someone had read my mind, my phone started buzzing.
“Hello?” I answered without even looking at who was calling.
“Hey.” It was Rhys. “Are you coming to the hospital at all today?” He asked kindly.
“I want to, but I have no way of getting there.” I said, stressed.
“I'll come get you.” He mumbled, and hung up quickly. Something was going on. It was getting serious.
Everything was going to end.

-

I was at the hospital by half 6. Kris was stood outside, waiting for us. I walked straight over to him, Alicia sat on my hip. He held his hands out to take her off me.
“I’m going to take her back to halls with me.” He said, kissing her cheek. I gave him an alarmed look.
“Why?”
“Being in a hospital all day yesterday wasn’t good for her.” He told me. “I don’t want her in here… not today.”
Something about the tone of his voice made me fearful.
“Ok.” I said, kissing Alicia’s head and walking straight into the building. Rhys was quick at my heals.
“She’s moved room.” He said, taking my hand and leading me in the opposite direction to where I’d been heading. We walked in silence, just like the entire car journey here. Other than saying ‘hello’, I’ve not said a single word to Rhys. I feel disconnected, apart. I don’t know anything I should know. I don’t know anything everybody else knows. And I don’t want to.
“Gaby, be prepared, okay?” He said, turning down a corridor.
“What do you mean?” I asked quietly. He stopped outside a door and held my hand.
“Just – she doesn’t look like Lorna right now.” He said softly. I just nodded and he walked through a door.
I didn’t look at Lorna. I looked at everyone else in the room first, expecting glares and snide comments telling me to leave. Instead everyone gave me a smile. Not a happy smile, a sad smile. But it was still a smile. Zak seemed to be happy I was there. Even Aly didn’t look too bothered by my presence. Claire stood up and hugged me. Neil put his hand up to wave. I just smiled back. Rhys still had hold of my hand. He got closer to me and I took a deep breath and forced my eyes to move to where they really didn’t want to go.
I gasped. I couldn’t help it.
He was right.
That wasn’t Lorna on the bed. It can’t have been. Yes, the nose, the mouth, the hair, the things around her, all belonged to Lorna. But everything had changed. Her face was so pale, and so slim. I could see her cheek bones and chin too clearly. I’d only seen her less than 24 hours ago. Did she look this bad then? Her chest was only raising up and down every 30 seconds. That was way too large a gap, right? There were multiple tubes going into her right arm – her left one having a cast on it – and a big thick tube going through underneath the covers. I assumed that was going into her stomach, for food and stuff. There was a machines attached to her too. A real heart-rate machine. I’d only ever seen one on tv. It was scary. It beeped every couple of seconds. I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. It wasn’t going overly fast, but isn’t that pretty slow?
The bruise on her face had grown. The whole of her cheek was blue, running down her neck… It probably went higher up too, but I couldn’t see because there was such a large bandage on her head. They’d changed that. Yesterday there was a blood stain on it. Now it was just a pale yellow.
My eyes closed.
I couldn’t look at her anymore. It wasn’t Lorna. That wasn’t Lorna!

“W-What’s happened? What, i-i- er.. W-Why’s everything got worse?” I asked, struggling to get my words out. Rhys led me over to a chair and sat me on it, before pulling a chair up so he could sit too. It wasn’t till he took my hand again that I realised I was shaking. He put and arm around me.
“There’s a lot of damage inside. They’ve tried as hard as they can to fix it, but they’re not sure it’s worked… They said we just have to wait and see.” Rhys said, slowly, in my ear. I kept my eyes closed.
“I don’t like this!”
“No one does.” He said, kissing my cheek.
“How’s Zoë?” I asked, looking at him. He looked towards the floor.
“She’s not doing too good.” He mumbled. I pulled my hand out of his.
“Wh-?”
“-she’s been having a high blood pressure, and severe headaches. The doctor’s are taking her for a scan tomorrow.”
“I think I’m going to go see her.” I said, standing up. He stood with me.
“Okay, sure.” He looked confused. I think everyone was confused. No one understood why I didn’t want to be in that depressing room. Why not? Why does no one get it?
We walked to Zoë’s quietly. I didn’t know what to say. It was such an awkward time right now. All I wanted was to go back a few months and start over.
Zoë’s room wasn’t quite as depressing as Lorna’s. It was only Archie in there, and he was making a joke with Zoë about how bad hospital food was.
“Oh, hey guys.” Archie smiled at us as we walked in.
“Hi.” I said, grabbing a chair and sitting down. “How’re you doing Zo?”
“I’ve been better.” She croaked. She sounded worse than she had, but still – she was better than Lorna.
“Is Lorna okay?” Archie asked, a sorrowed look flashing across his face. I shook my head. “I’m going to go see her later. I haven’t had a chance yet.” He mumbled quietly. There was a brief silence and then…
Suddenly, everything was a blur. It happened so quickly…
“Archie, can you pass me some water.” Zoë reached out, and then her eyes closed and she started shaking violently. I stood and watched in shock, along with the others in the room, before reacting.
Archie jumped up and tried to force her to stop, holding her arms down. I moved forwards to do something, anything.
“Don’t! Don’t touch her!” I shrieked, before rushing out of the room to find a nurse, a doctor – anybody.
The nurses station was only a meter away from Zoë’s door.
“Quick, sh-she’s having some kind of seizure or something!” I said, pointing to Zoë’s door. They looked panicked and pressed a button. A loud buzzing sound projected from a speaker, and two nurses rushed into Zoë’s room. Rhys moved so they could pass. Archie had tears streaming down his face. Zoë had blood leaking from her mouth. She was still shaking.
A few doctors zoomed into the room. The nurses left Zoë and ushered all of us out. As we were leaving, I saw a doctor inject Zoë with something and the shaking stopped. But then the heart machine was attached… it was fast. Too fast. Archie was begging them to let him stay, but they refused. We were forced to stand outside in the corridor and wait.

-

Nurses and doctors and other men wearing green outfits were rushing in and out of the room. And every time they did so, one of them ushered us further and further away from the door, until we were literally stood on the other side of the corridor. My stomach was turning. There was adrenalin everywhere in my body. My hands were shaking…
“Sh-she’ll be okay, yeah?” Archie asked, looking at me. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I just stared at him. “Gaby, you – you’re smart! You must know. Please.”
“Archie, I’m not a d-doctor.” I said, fighting back tears. I had to stay strong.
“But-” Archie suddenly jerked forwards, the door having opened once again. “Is she alright? What’s happening?!” He screamed at a nurse, who just held up her hand and rushed off in the other direction. Archie walked back over to the other side of the room and fell to the floor. Rhys hovered over him, before following his lead and sitting too. I stayed stood up. If I sat down, my support would fall and I’d probably start freaking out.
There was a long silence. So long that it felt like hours had passed. The door to Zoë’s room didn’t open again. We all knew they were in there, trying to save her life. What else could they be doing that was taking so long? It was hard to imagine how this happened. Just half an hour ago, Zoë was up and chatting and complaining about hospital food… Now?
“Gaby, it’s - wha-? Why are you all out here?” Zak said, very out of breath having just ran up the corridor towards us. “Is Zoë -? Is she alright?” He asked, guessing something must be wrong as Archie was white as a sheet.
I shook my head. “Why are you here, Zak?”
“L-Lorna’s gone downhill again.” He said. “I was t-trying to find you.” He was clearly trying to hold back tears. I bit my lip. This can’t be happening now. Suddenly a tear streamed out of my eye. I was going to lose one of my best friends tonight. It could be Zoë or Lorna or both… But I knew it would definitely be one of them.
“Zoë,” Zak started, “how long have they been in there with her?”
“About 45 minutes.” Rhys muttered quietly. Longer than I’d thought then.
“Same time as Lorna then…”
“I don’t know what to do.” I said out loud, before I realised.
“What do you mean?” Rhys stood up, realising this was really affecting me now.
“Who do I go to? I don’t know where I should be. Should I be here at all?” A few tears fell out of my eyes again.
“Gaby, you shouldn’t worry about this stuff, okay? Just stay strong.” Rhys whispered in my ear, pulling me into a hug. “Do you want to go to the café?”
“No! You can’t leave. Please.” Archie was scrambling up to stop us.
“I’m not going anywhere, Archie.” I assured Archie. There was a brief silence.
“I should ring Mike or my parents.”
“But you don’t know anything.” Zak said, confused, as Archie got his phone out.
“They should still know!” Archie screamed, walking down the corridor and out the door, his phone pressed to his ear.
Zak stood motionless, staring at Zoë’s door. It must be so difficult for him. His best friend of over 4 years, or his ex-girlfriend who he clearly still loves.
“I can’t choose between the two.” Zak muttered quietly.
“Go get some food.” I suggested, “You must be starving.”
“I don’t want to be alone.” He told me.
“I would go, but-” Just as I started talking, Archie was running back up the corridor with Mike and a woman I’d never met at his heels. They stopped, out of breath, panic stricken.
“I need to get in.” The woman breathed heavily. “That’s my baby girl. I need to be with her.”
I realised that this must be Zoë’s mum. I looked at Zak, whose eyes were wide and fearful. He glanced at me and gestured for us to leave. He nodded.
“We’re going to the café.” I said to Archie. He was so scared, he didn’t seem to even care. He just nodded and let us walk away. Rhys rushed forwards and held my hand as we walked. Zak was walking ahead, his head bowed down. It felt like we were walking for years. Millions of years…
Finally we stopped walking and we were sat in the café. I’d never been here before. Whenever anyone else had come, it had been because I was the one in hospital. This time, it’s not me. It’s two of my best friends. And right now, they were both battling for their lives.

“Go sit down, I'll get you whatever you want.” Rhys said, walking with me and Zak to a table. I took a seat, but Zak stayed stood up. “Go on mate, I'll get you something.” Rhys said to Zak. He just shrugged and slumped into a chair.
Rhys looked at me expectantly. I looked around me. It just seemed to be a little coffee shop. Regular sandwiches, muffins, hot drinks, cold drinks…
“Just a tea please.” I said, and he nodded before turning to Zak.
“I don’t want anything.” He muttered.
“Zak.” I said, “Please eat something.”
“You’re not eating.” He stated.
“I got here about 2 hours ago. I’ve eaten at home. You haven’t.” I said, folding my arms.
“Fine, I'll just have the first sandwich you see. And water.” He said, reaching into his pocket and throwing a fiver at Rhys. Rhys just shook his head and walked to the counter without taking his money. Zak was sat, staring out of the window. It was raining outside. Heavily, it seemed. And the glow of the orange street lights made the hospital grounds look eerily scary.
“Do you think they’ll be alright?” Zak finally asked, looking up at me. I stared at him for a second. Why is everyone asking me?
“I don’t know.” I finally said. There was no way I could be positive right now, when everything could go badly wrong. And if I was negative, he’d probably kill me.
“Should I be with one of them right now?” Zak asked, sounded both upset and frustrated. “Should I have w-waited with Zoë, or gone b-back to Lorna?” He asked me again. “What should I have done?”
“This.” I said, reaching across the table and holding his hand. “You’re doing the right thing!”
“Am I?” He was breathless. I pulled my hand back. I didn’t have an answer. Rhys finally came back over to the table. He placed my cup of tea in front of me and gave Zak his sandwich and water.
“Thanks.” I said, as he sat down next to me. He took a sip of his own small cup of coffee.
We were silent again. The only noise was the gently sucking of us all drinking, and Zak chewing his sandwich.
“I should ring Kris – check Alicia’s alright…” I finally said, just to try and make conversation.
“Not yet.” Zak whispered. “He’ll want to know how things are and… we don’t know.”
“Okay.” I said, nodding. There was a lot of silence again. We were quiet all the way until we’d all finished. And then I got nervous.
“Er, shall we head back?” I asked, my hands starting to shake again. I didn’t want to go back and find out the good or bad news. Lorna’s room was first. We’d hear about her first…
“Yeah. We should.” Zak said, standing up. Me and Rhys stood up too, following him out the café.

Once again, we walked in silence. Finally, we got to Lorna’s room. There was nobody stood outside, like there was earlier. Zak froze, staring at the door. He then pushed the handle down and walked in.
We all sighed with relief when we heard the heart monitor beeping rhythmically. Aly stood up and walked over to Zak, before giving him a hug. I looked at them shocked for a moment. Clearly their feud was over now they both shared the same pain.
“She’s alright.” She said with relief. “They said she just had a slip but now she should be alright.”
“Oh god.” Zak started smiling. “Thank God.” He walked over to Lorna. I looked at her. She did look better. Ignoring the tubes coming in and out of her, she looked pretty much normal. The colour was on its way back to her face. Her breathing was more regular…
I walked over to Lorna and held her hand. “Hang in there.” I whispered.
“I want to see how Zoë is.” Zak said, a more hopeful look on his face.
“We’ll see you later.” Neil said as we started walking out of the room. The nerves had returned. Okay, so things were looking better. Lorna was stable again, but that didn’t mean Zoë was. We all realised this as soon as we left her room. Rhys had tensed up, and was taking larger strides than he usually would.
Zak kept clearing his throat and also sped up along with Rhys. I don’t know if I showed any signs on the outside; all I know is that my stomach was tangling and my blood was pumping loudly in my ears. We got to Zoë’s room.
Amy was stood outside, tears streaming down her face.
“Amy, where’s everyone? What’s going on?” Rhys asked. He was close to the Barnes’s – although, from what I heard they should hate him. Although me and Rhys have never actually spoken about it one to one, I’ve heard that he dated Amy’s older sister and then cheated on her with their Mum.
“I – Zoë, she’s –” Tears poured out her eyes and she stopped talking. Just at that moment Archie walked out of a side room. He was white, his face expressionless.
“Archie-” I started. He just shook his head. “What happened?” I asked quietly. He also failed to speak.
“Is Zoë okay?” Zak asked. A ridiculous question. No one could speak – of course Zoë wasn’t okay.
Archie slowly shook his head, a couple of tears finally pouring out of his eyes.
“Sh-she passed aw-way.” He stuttered. I closed my eyes and bowed my head. My stomach started spinning, round and round.
“No, no…” Zak shook his head. “No.”
“Archie, I’m so sorry.” I said, tears streaming out of my eyes. He just shrugged, choking on his tears. I walked forwards and hugged him. It made things worse. He cried even more.
“I don’t understand how it happened. They said she was bleeding in her b-brain and there was no way they could have stopped it. But st-still.” He said sadly. “She was so h-happy earlier.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” I said, not knowing what else to say. I pulled away from him. He looked at Zak, then Rhys, then back at me.
“How’s L-Lorna?”
“She’s okay.” I said slowly. I know a tiny part inside of him hoped I’d say she wasn’t good either. I know he didn’t want to feel that. Oh God.
Zoë’s dead. I’d never speak to her again… I’d never go out with her again…
“I’m going to go s-see my Mum. If you d-don’t mind.” He said, walking back into the room Zoë was in. I didn’t want to follow. I’m guessing their Mum is now sat over Zoë’s body, very upset. It wasn’t something I wanted to interrupt.
I turned around and saw Rhys was crying too. I walked forwards and he opened his arms to hug me. I held him tight. So much had gone wrong in the last few days. How had this happened? Why?
I heard a sniff behind me. Amy…
I pulled away from Rhys and walked over to her. I know she’s not a child, but she’s a few years younger than us. It’s got to be a bit harder…
“Are you okay?” I asked, touching her shoulder.
“No.” She said, putting a hand over her face and crying more. “She was like my sister…”
“I’m sorry.” I said. What else can I say in this situation?
“If you see my Dad, tell him I’ve gone home.” She said, walking off before I could say anything. I watched her walk away before turning to the others. Zak had his head in his hands, and was shaking uncontrollably with tears.
“I’m going to have to go see Kris.” I said, wiping my eyes.
“Do you want me to drive you?” Rhys asked, but Zak replied.
“No, your cars here.” He started fumbling around in his pockets, before withdrawing my keys.
“Thank you.” I said, and he nodded. “I'll see you all later.” I walked over to Rhys and kissed him on the cheek, before going and giving Zak and hug. Then I followed Amy’s footsteps and walked out the door.

-

I walked quietly into Halls, not knowing whether anyone was asleep or not. I don’t even know what time it is. Is it late? Early?
I guessed straight away that it wasn’t too late. Elliot was still awake. Oh god, I’m going to have to tell him about Zoë. I’m going to have to tell everybody, aren’t I? As soon as he heard the door click shut, Elliot turned around.
“Oh, hi.” He said, going to stand up.
“Elliot.” My voice was quiet. It cracked. I cleared my throat. He looked at me, realising something must be wrong. I saw panic flash across his face.
“What happened?” He asked, as I walked around to him. I saw on the chair opposite him. It was hard to talk to Elliot generally, how am I meant to tell him his best friend’s dead?
“It’s Zoë. She h-had some bleeding in her brain…” I paused, finding it difficult to form words. “She died Elliot, I’m sorry.” I said quietly. My eyes closed tight as tears tried to force themselves out again. Elliot looked at me, wide eyed.
“No, please. Tell me this is one of your sick jokes.”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry.” I said again. He just stood up and walked through to his room, slamming the door behind him. I walked over to Kris’s door, wiping my eyes so I looked as calm as I could. I knocked twice.
Kris opened the door slowly.
“Gaby – are you, what’s going on?” He asked, suddenly nervous. I guess I must look pretty bad. But then again, Kris has always been able to know how I’m feeling even if no one else does.
“Is it Lorna?” He asked. I shook my head, walking into his room. Alicia was asleep on his bed, her bottle next to her. “Zoë?” Kris gasped behind me.
I couldn’t help it. I started crying again. Kris rushed over to comfort me, but I pushed him away. I couldn’t leave him in the dark. He had to know why I’m so upset.
“I’m sorry, Kris, b-but Zoë – she passed away.” I said it really fast. I needed to get it out.
“Oh…” Kris looked so shocked, he couldn’t find any emotion at all. He just took a few steps back, before he hit the wall and slouched down to the floor. I didn’t know what to say. I stood there for a few seconds, before going down to the floor with him. I sat next to him, and took hold of his hand. He squeezed mine tight.
“I thought they were both okay…” He said sadly.
“So did I.” I told him. He rested his head up against my shoulder. I didn’t know what to do. I just moved my other hand, so I could hold the hand of his I had even tighter. We sat there for a good 15 minutes, before he finally spoke.
“How is Lorna?” He asked, his voice sounded rough.
“She had a bad moment.” I answered, “Just before everything with…” I couldn’t say Zoë’s name. “But the doctors think that she’ll be okay. She’s already getting a bit of colour back…”
“Well that’s good.” He said, but he didn’t sound very ecstatic about it. I think he’s like me. He doesn’t want to think positively. Not now.
“How’s Alicia been?” I asked.
“Really good.” He told me, “She’s been asleep about an hour.”
It was only now that I finally looked at the clock. It was gone half 9. I sighed heavily.
“These last few days have been..” I started, but couldn’t think of a word to end.
“Hell.” Kris finished. I nodded.
“I think I'll take her home.” I said, moving to stand up. Kris stood too.
“Oh – I…” He paused, “Yeah. That’s a good idea.” He didn’t seem very happy about the fact we were leaving.
“Sorry.” I said, looking at the floor. I glanced around for Alicia’s pram, before realising I didn’t have it here. “Oh, I'll have to take her down to the car seat.” I said, walking over to pick her up.
“Wait.” Kris said. I stopped in my tracks. “You should make sure you have everything before you wake her.” He said, putting things into a bag. Once we’d made sure everything was packed, I gently picked her up. She started whimpering, but as soon as I rocked her and held her close, she calmed down and slept again.
“I'll see you tomorrow.” I said, hugging Kris with one arm. He kissed Alicia on the head. “I’m so sorry about Zoë.” I added, heading out of the door. I hoped with all my heart that no one else was sat in the living room, and thankfully my wishes came true. I couldn’t stand having to explain it to someone else again. It would be hell.
I walked carefully down all the steps, out to my car. I gently tried to get Alicia in the car without waking her up. It was impossible. As soon as I placed her in the seat, she started crying. I clipped her in, then walked around to the drivers side and set off as quickly as possible.
We all needed to sleep.
Maybe by sleeping everything that’s happened in the last few days can be forgotten.

Lorna's POV

Beep. My skin tingled as someone drew their thumb across it. I could sense the light through my closed eyes. Beep. The tingling sensation in my hand continued as the person drew their thumb back and forth, back and forth along the back of my hand. Beep. Complete silence followed each beep. I couldn’t even hear my own breathing. I could feel each beat of my heart slowly drumming in my chest. Beep. A tickle ran down my throat which was drier than I think I have ever felt before. There was also a constant itch, aching, in my throat that was impossible to scratch. Beep. My chest moved up and down with every few heart beats. Beep. My head was propped up on top of pillows. I could feel people in the room. The movement of the thumb across my hand continued in its repetitive motion; back and forth, back and forth. Beep. It was then when my heavy eye lids began to separate ever so slowly. As this happened the darkness was replaced by a bright light which hung above where I was lay. My eyes shut instantly as the light made them ache. My chest rose and my heart continued to beat as I attempted to open my eyes once again. And just as slowly as before, they opened. Not fully but enough so that I could see the ceiling up above me. The brushing of someone’s thumb against my hand continued. I wanted to see who. My eyes closed again, unwilling to stay open for any length of time. I struggled to force them open, before as slowly as the other attempts my eye lids began to separate; this time I was able to look at my body as it lay in front of me. My hands stuck by my sides; too heavy to move. A cast covered my left arm while various tubes were in place in my right arm. I watched the thumb move up and down across my hand a few times before managing to raise my eyes to see whose thumb it was. Zak’s. He was facing the other way. I couldn’t attract his attention. I felt powerless. I was unable to move my head or my mouth. I focused on moving my hand, squeezing his hand somehow, just to let him know that I’m okay. But I couldn’t do it. I was trying as hard as I could but it wasn’t working. My whole body felt extremely heavy. Eventually I was able to lift my pinky, that was all, but it was enough for Zak to jump straight around and look at me. He looked straight into my eyes for seconds before turning quickly in the other direction.
“Adrian?” I heard Zak say but it sounded strange. As though I was underwater and they were on the ground above me. Within seconds Adrian appeared at Zak’s side, staring at me. A tearful smile emerging on his face as though he was extremely thankful to see me looking back at him. My eyes closed slowly again and I felt Zak squeeze my hand in panic. I was blinking slower than usual. My eyes opened again. Adrian was gone. I looked directly at Zak. This time I focused in on his face. The bags underneath his red puffy eyes were very noticeable. It looked like he hadn’t slept properly in days. He had also been crying, a lot. I felt someone’s fingers touch on my other hand but I couldn’t move my head to look at them. I moved my eyes in that direction and saw Claire and Alyson stood there both with tear filled eyes as they happily looked down on me. A felt a tear run down my cheek as I gazed up them which was rubbed away by Zak as he brushed his warm hand slowly against my cold cheek. My eyes moved back over in Zak’s direction. He was now stood up but facing the other way again. I wanted to talk to him. Tell him I was sorry. I wanted to apologize, to everybody, but I couldn’t. My body wouldn’t let me.
Suddenly a doctor came into sight and was staring at me intently. He shone a light directly into my eyes causing me to blink repetitively.
“Lorna can you hear me?” He asked. I nodded – before wincing as my head hurt as it moved.
“That’s a fantastic sign” He said, talking to everyone else rather than me. “She should gradually begin to get all of her movement back within the next few days” I saw Adrian and Zak at the doctor’s side with slight smiles coming onto their faces. Days?!
Adrian nodded in response to the doctor who disappeared for seconds before returning with a cup of water which he moved up to my lips. The crust that was holding my lips together was no longer there and I was relieved when the water ran down my throat. The annoying itch was now gone.
“Is that better?” The doctor smiled at me.
“Thanks” I managed to say as weak as it sounded.
“No problem” He smiled. “I’ll pop back in within the next hour to see how things are getting on” The doctor smiled at Adrian who smiled in return. I heard the door close and then everyone turn to look at me.
“I’m sorry” I managed as another tear ran down my cheek.
“What?!” Aly questioned in a shocked tone. “What the hell are you saying sorry for?!”
“I lied” I said, as another tear ran down my cheek.
“Lorna, that doesn’t matter anymore” Aly said, leaning forward and pushing my hair back softly. “I’m just glad you’re okay” She smiled, wiping my eyes and then her own. The room went back to being silent as the 4 of them just stood there and watched me. I just lay there and tears continued to run down my cheeks. I didn’t know what to think. I don’t know how long I had been here for. I knew nothing. The last thing I remember is Kyle pushing me. “My baby” I said out loud without meaning to. Already knowing that Kyle had most probably succeeded in what he set out to do. I looked around at their faces which confirmed for me what I already knew. My baby was gone. It was dead before it even got a chance to live. My tears began to flow quicker. Instantly, I felt empty. I moved my hand onto my stomach sadly.
“Is it still, there?” I asked. The four of them shook their heads in unison; each person looking just as upset as the one before.
“I’m sorry” Alyson said.
“Not your fault” I said. Without thinking I drew my hand, slowly, up to my face to wipe away my tears pulling on all the tubes that were attached to me. I touched my face before instantly taking my hand away again as my cheek began to throb.
“You’re bruised” Alyson said, noticing that I’d found that sore.
“Badly?” I croaked.
She nodded sadly. She disappeared from my side and returned two seconds later appeared with the butterfly compact mirror she’s always got with her. She’s had it for as long as I can remember. She put it into my hand and I lifted it up to my face. I gasped. The whole side of my face was a horrible blue-y purple colour. I moved the mirror down and the bruise continued down my neck, just as horrific the whole way down. I moved the mirror slowly up towards my head to see a pale yellow bandage surrounding my head.
“What’s that?” I asked quietly, afraid of the answer. No one answered me as they watched me put my hand back down onto the bed. I didn’t have the energy to hold it up any longer. Zak took the mirror and handed it nicely back to Alyson again before softly placing his hand back in mine and sitting back down in the seat that was sat right beside my bed. Claire sat down on the seat at the other side. Why won’t they answer me?!
“You’ve had a lot of surgery” Zak said. I looked at him expectantly, wanting him to explain more. “You’re brain was swelling” He explained softly, squeezing my hand, again, as he spoke. I managed a small gasp as tears continued to fall from my eyes. So many questions started forming in my head but I couldn’t find the energy to ask them. I just lay there watching Claire, Aly and Adrian stood above me.
“So someone’s seen my brain!” I said, trying to make it sound as hyper Lorna-like as I could but it still came out just as weak as I had sounded before. The 4 of them smiled, although the smiles quickly faded and I lay there in the silence again.
“This is creepy” I managed to say as I stared up at them. I hate that their here. They have their own lives that don’t involve this stupid hospital.
“What is?” Adrian asked sensitively.
“You’re all watching me” I said, trying to laugh but it didn’t work.
“Sorry” Claire smiled a teary smile. “We’re just happy to see you!”
“I promised you!!” I said.
“Promised me what?” Claire asked confused. “We are not on the same page right now!” She said in an attempt to get me to laugh but I couldn’t. I managed a small smile. My whole face was now gradually becoming more and more painful as if medication was wearing off.
“That we’d be old grannies together” I smiled. Claire returned this smile but it was fake, completely fake.
“What’s wrong?” I questioned feeling sick with fear instantly.
“Nothing!” She said defensively but Claire can’t lie, not to me.
“Don’t lie” I frowned. “Tell me” She shook her head. There was something wrong. Panic rushed through me. “Claire?” I pleaded. Zak, Adrian and Alyson shot her a panicked look.
“Just please” I begged, I could hear that I was crying through my voice. I looked at Alyson who immediately turned away. Adrian was avoiding me completely. I turned my head round to face Zak.
“Zak” I pleaded, again. “Please, just tell me” He looked me straight in the eye. I was upsetting him. “Please” I muttered.
He gulped. “The Doctor’s say-” He paused, and wiped his own eyes as he was now crying again. Fear pulsed through my veins. “that you might not be able to have children”
I felt like my heart had been ripped out. Everything just stopped. The shock was eating away at me. Before that bastard pushed me I was gonna have a baby: now there’s no baby and there never will be.
“I hate him” I sobbed. “I hate him so much” Zak squeezed my hand again this time tighter. I could tell that he wanted to hug me; Lie here next to me and hold me but he couldn’t. I looked straight at him: Our little family that I used to dream of, now impossible.
“It’s only a might” Claire managed to stifle even though you could tell she didn’t believe it and with the looks she got from everyone else neither did they.
“Was it his kid?” I asked. I was angry on the inside but my voice wasn’t making me sound it. Zak and Claire both looked at me sympathetically. Although, Adrian and Alyson were exchanging a look. They knew.
“We don’t know babe” Zak said, rubbing my hand again. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“It matters to me” I sobbed.
“Zak, can I speak to you outside” Adrian asked.
Zak turned and gave him a look as if to say no which Adrian returned with a pleading look. Zak stood up and leaned over me.
“I love you” He whispered before kissing me really gently on the cheek.
“I love you too” I whispered back practically inaudibly but I knew he’d heard me. He then turned, with a confused look on his face, and followed Adrian outside. I waited till the door shut behind them before asking a question I already knew the answer to.
“Was it Zak’s?” I asked, wiping my eyes. I don’t want to hear it. Alyson nodded sadly. She sat on the edge of my bed, carefully checking she wasn’t hurting me in any way. Claire looked at Alyson, shocked. I guess she didn’t know either.
“The policeman told Ade and me earlier that you were 15 weeks pregnant but then you took a turn and we forgot to tell Zak”
“Police?!” I was completely taken aback.
“Kyle turned himself in” Alyson said pleased with what she was saying.
“What?!” I questioned in disbelief.
“The policeman didn’t tell us much at all” Alyson explained. “He said that he needed to take the information that we’d given him back to the station and that he would come to speak to you once the Doctor’s informed him that you were well enough”
“Oh” Was all I managed to say. A mixture of emotions filled me: anger, hate, confusion. So much had happened in such a short time.
“How long have I been-” I stopped, choking on my tears.
“Almost 3 days” Alyson said, running her hand through my hair again. My mouth opened but I failed to make a sound.
I heard the door open. Adrian walked in and stood at the end of my bed. Zak didn’t follow. I looked at Adrian already knowing what had happened.
“Why didn’t you go after him?!” I asked, panicked. I want to be with him right now. In his flat, all snuggled up together. I want it to be 4 months ago before I fucked everything up. I want to rewind life and play it again from that moment. Not have that stupid fight, not go out with Kris, have a birthday spent at halls, my present from Zak being the family I’ve always wanted with the guy that I love most in the world.
“Zak needs to get out the hospital. He’s been here for days.” Claire said. My heart was completely shattered. I didn’t want to listen anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to be in my own bed. I want to be by myself and just curl up and cry. “He didn’t go home after Zoe died either” Claire continued speaking but I didn’t hear a word she said. Zoe?!
“What?!” I said, panicked. Claire’s face fell.
“Lorna, Zoe was rushed to hospital just a few hours before you were” Adrian explained. “She was stabbed repetitively and then hit by a car” My eyes widened. My stomach tightened. “She was doing really well but there was bleeding in her brain and-” He stopped.
“Archie!” I frowned. I was too shocked to think straight. “Mike!” I said, tears continued to flow from my eyes. Zoe?! I haven’t seen her in ages and now I never will again. I gulped, praying that this was some strange brain swelling induced dream but I knew that this was the real world; the horrible, cruel, twisted unfair world.

My eyes slowly opened again and fear instantly hit me until I realised; where I was, what had happened and a list of other things that I didn’t want to remember. I looked sleepily to my side to see if anyone was here. Despite the fact that I had just sleep I still had no energy to do anything.
“Hey” I said quietly causing Neil to curse and drop the book he was reading on to the floor.
“God! You don’t half fucking scare people!” He said, bending down and picking the book up from the floor. He was the only person in the room with me.
“Sorry” I said managing a smile. He just sat there and watched me for a while. As if he was taking in the fact that I was awake. I could feel him staring at my bruises. “What are you reading?” I said quietly in an attempt to distract him. There was a constant pain in the area around my stomach. I just want it to stop.
“Erm” He said awkwardly clearly too embarrassed to say.
“Tell me!” I said, looking at him and attempted to stick my bottom lip out. He looked at me and then rolled his eyes before lifting up the book and showing me the front cover.
“You are not?!” I said, laughing once.
“I am so.” He shrugged. “You’re a very rude person, sleeping the day away when you have visitors!” He laughed once.
“Sorry” I said guiltily.
“Hey, I was joking!” He said, sitting the book beside my bed.
“So, how did you end up reading Twilight?!” I asked as cheerily as I could but I was in pain. Everywhere. “What happened to it being a crap series of books about two perverted monsters chasing after a real grumpy bitch?!”
“More interesting than sitting here watching you sleep!” He huffed. “Aly gave me a bag of stuff she thought you’d want. I’ve already watched an episode of One-” He stopped and looked at me. I smiled.
“Tree Hill on my iPod” I finished for him with a smile. “I swear me and Aly are slowly turning you slightly gay!” I laughed.
“And read the 2 magazines she stuck in for you as well!” He continued ignoring my last comment. “But I really couldn’t care less about half the crap they put in those!” he said gesturing to a pile of magazines
“Sorry” I apologized again. I felt guilty that people are spending their time in the hospital. “How long have I been asleep for?”
“You were asleep when Alyson, Ade and Claire left at like quarter past 4” He said.
“And what time is it now?” I asked.
“Oh” He said. “20 past 8” He shrugged.
“Okay” I said. “Has anyone else been in?” I asked. I only wanted to know about Zak. I want, I need to speak to him.
“He’s here just now. He’s just gone down to get us dinner” He smiled smugly.
“What?” I said, confused.
“Lorna, I know that was just a backwards way of asking about Zak”
“It was?” I pretended.
“Yes” He said. “I know you!”
I sighed at him. It was as though I couldn’t display any emotion when I was talking. I couldn’t make myself sound happy or sarcastic. To be honest I was happy just to be talking at all. “When did he come back?”
“6ish?” He shrugged. “He came back to his flat when he’d left here earlier and then because I was there, he went to Gaby’s. Don’t think he likes me much.” He seemed quite insulted.
“Well you’re my ex” I said, as if he was thick. “So is Zak” I sighed sadly, wishing that wasn’t true.
“An ex doesn’t spend as much time at the hospital as he’s done or care as much when he hears that you can’t” He stopped, when I closed my eyes, realising that I didn’t want to hear it again. Closing my eyes was all I could do. When they said it wanted to roll over and bury my head into the pillow and hide away from the people surrounding me but I couldn’t do that right now. It would hurt too much, although part of me wondered if it would actually been any more painful than hearing people say it, over and over again.
“You’re an ex and you’ve been here!” I said.
“Lorna, you know fine well that we’re a bit more complicated than just each other’s exes!” He said, laughing away the awkwardness. He has a point.
“Okay, fine whatever!” I laughed. We both went quiet. “What’s Zak like?” I asked, concerned.
“Well he’s kinda tall, short dark brown hair, grey eyes”
“You’re so funny!” I said in my monotone.
“He’s, well I don’t know what he’s usually like!” Neil said, making excuses.
“Well, what’s he like right now?”
“Upset, Tired, Stressed out” Neil explained. “He’s really cut up about that girl”
“Zoe.” I stated, not liking the fact that Neil was referring to her like that. “Have you heard anything else?”
“What do you mean?” Neil asked, carefully.
“About Archie?” I asked. “Or Mike?”
“Her brother and her boyfriend?” Neil asked. I nodded my head, only once because it made my head throb. “They’ve gone home but that was the last time I was at the hospital, late on last night” He shrugged. “That’s it really.”
“What about everybody else?” I pressed. I hate the fact that I’m stuck in here unable to try and comfort everyone else.
“I’m not sure” He said apologetically.
“It’s okay” I responded. “How long ago did Zak leave?”
“like 20 minutes ago or something” He said. “He should be back soon”
“Okay”
“I’ll leave when he gets back” He said.
“What?” I said, trying to fake disappointment, politely as though I didn’t want him to leave even though I did. I want to speak to Zak by myself. I don’t know what I’m going to say or what I want to say but I know that I want to be with him.
“You want to talk to him” He said. “I’ll come back tomorrow.”
“Have they said when I’m getting out yet?” I said. I hate lying here. I hate hospitals. I always have. When I used to say that to my mum she always disagreed! She said that it was a place that made people better - The argument had gone on since I was like 7 - but from my experiences you can see why I don’t agree with her!
It took Neil a while to answer me before he shook his head at his own thoughts and then reluctantly answered me, “They’re saying weeks”
“What?!” I said in disbelief. Not what I wanted to hear.
“Sorry” He sighed. “I’m going home tomorrow before Cranky Frankie decides to use this to get rid of me!”
“You’ve taken time of work to be here!” I said angrily, just realising it. “Go home!” I snapped. It wasn’t going to make any difference now but I felt guilty. Neil’s boss has always hated him, and me for that matter, and would use anything as an excuse to fire him before rehiring him when he realised that Neil was the best mechanic at his garage, “I’ll go home tomorrow” He said. “I’ll come back down to see you at the weekend though”
“Claire’s going with you, right?” I asked, again knowing the answer to my own question.
“Don’t think so” He said, already knowing it was going to annoy me.
“But she’s got lectures and stuff!” I said. “You know I love you, both of you, but why the hell are you both here!”
“Lorna, I’d feel horrible if I wasn’t here!” He admitted awkwardly.
“I’m okay” I said defensively. I am okay. I’m definitely not okay but I know that I’m better than a lot of people are right now.
“You’re hardly okay” He snapped. “You haven’t left that bed in 3 days Lorna, now you are a lazy cow but you’re not that bad!” He smirked.
“I have been unconscious!” I said in my defence. Although I knew that getting out this bed right now would be virtually impossible since I couldn’t even sit up further than I already was without feeling incredibly dizzy.
“Believe me I know!” Neil said. “At one point I honestly thought –“ He shook his head.
“I am okay!” I said reassuringly. “I’ll feel better knowing that you’re at work though and that Claire’s at Uni! And-” I paused as I heard the door open. Zak was back.
“You’re up!” He smiled slightly as he walked to bed and sat at the other side of my bed to where Neil was sat. Over the top of me Zak passed Neil a plastic cup with tea in it across the top of me and then a bag of Cheese and Onion crisps. “Thanks” Neil said, as he took hold of the cup and the crisps.
“I ha-” I started before I stopped realising there is only one person I hate, Kyle. “I really dislike you right now!”
“Who?” The both said at the same time.
“You brought him crisps!” I said, looking at Zak without turning my head to avoid more pain. I had a sharp pain running down my left leg and I was struggling not to show it. I didn’t want to upset either of them. “And you’re going to eat them!” I said, looking back to Neil.
“I’ll go eat my crisps somewhere else then shall I?!” Neil asked, cheekily. I smiled unable to form an equally cheeky response quick enough. “Right, I really am going to go” Neil said, standing up from his chair. “I’ll come and see you tomorrow before I go home” He promised as he leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek which wasn’t bruised.
“Will you-“ I started.
“I will try and get Claire to come back with me” He agreed with a smile. “Love you!” He squeezed my hand once more before turning towards the door.
“Love you too!” I muttered as he left the room and I turned my eyes in Zak’s direction but he stood up and walked over to the other side of me.
“My seat” He said as he sat down. I smiled although it faded fast.
“How’s Ar” I started.
“He’s with his mum and dad” He said, his eyes welling up. “Lorna, She’s gone” He said in disbelief. I stuck out my hand randomly trying to find his. He realised what I was doing and took hold of my hand before sitting my arm back on to the bed carefully. I lay there just watching him feeling completely powerless. He was crying and I could do nothing. I wanted to hold him and tell him that everything was going to be okay but I knew that nothing I could say was going to bring Zo back.
“I miss her already” He said. “When I left earlier after Adrian spoke to me I needed to talk to someone. I needed to talk to her” He shook his head. “I actually walked towards Mike’s flat. I can’t accept that she’s not here anymore” He sobbed. I tried my hardest to move closer to him but I couldn’t make my whole body shift over. “For 4 whole years Zoe’s been the person I’ve told everything to. Yeah, okay Kris was who I said was my best friend but if I wanted to talk to someone it was always Zoe I went to. I know that since she moved in with Mike we haven’t spoken as much but-” He stopped and continued to sob. He put his head down on top of hand and I could feel his tears on my hand. My eyes welled up but I was forcing myself to stay strong.
“Remember that time we went on that double date with Zoe and Mike?” I said randomly, he lifted his head up and looked at me with his cheeky grin.
“That was-“ He started before laughing once.
“hilarious?” I questioned. “Three students and a 40 something in a proper restaurant and we all ended up covered in tomato sauce like 5 year olds!”
“Yeah, think we should’ve stuck to Relish” Zak laughed. “It was Zoe that started it!” He smiled sadly. I was thinking about it in my head. Zoe wanted sauce on her chips but the bottle wouldn’t work so she sprayed it to show Zak it wouldn’t work and ended up spraying it in his face. Then I laughed so he did the same to me and a little bit of tomato sauce fight broke out, We were like kids. I smiled as I thought about it. Zoe was truly happy that night and that is how I want to remember her. Zak’s hand still had a hold on mine.
Zak sat there for a moment, smiling at his own thoughts inside his head. I wanted him to talk to me. “I told Zoe when I first realized I like you” He explained. “And she told me that she knew I had done for a while!”
“Are you trying to tell me it wasn’t love” I paused, as I suddenly seemed to realize that my throat was extremely dry. Zak stopped and looked at me panic. “at first sight Zakky?” I managed weakly. Zak leaned over the top of me trying to reach the jug of water and a cup.
“Well, love the first time the beer goggles were on!” He joked as he poured some water into a cup. I smiled. He lifted the cup and stuck it up to my lips and carefully tilted it so I could drink.
“Mike” Zak muttered shaking his head as he pulled the cup away from my mouth. He gave me a look as if to ask if I wanted more but I said no. “Lorna I’ve spend the last 3 days terrified that you were going to die” He said. “The last time we spoke to each other we had a stupid fight and...” He muttered and shook his head. “I wonder what the last thing was that Mike and Zoe said to each other” He said, shaking his head again in disbelief that she was gone.
“You’ve got to think of all the good times you’ve had with Zoe” I said, reassuringly. “And Mike has to do that too” I squeezed Zak’s hand. He nodded.
“I seriously thought I was going to lose you” He shook his head.
“Zak, I’m here” I said, squeezing his hand again. It was all I could do right now. “I’m not going anywhere!”
“Zoe was up and she was awake!” He said. “She was talking happily. She was herself! And then she was, gone. I really thought she was going to be okay” He sobbed. “She told me that I’d to stay here with you, and that when you woke up that we should fix everything” He explained. “because everybody makes mistakes. She’s right. Lorna I love you. We’ve been so stupid the last few months.”
“Yeah” I said. I was unable to say anything else.
“If we hadn’t let the whole thing with Kris mess us both up we could -” He paused as though he was scared he would upset me if he continued.
“You can say it” I said. Knowing what he was going to say already.
“We wouldn’t be here right now. We’d be at home arguing over me wanting to buy the baby a Liverpool strip!” He smirked. I smiled although my smile quickly converted to a frown when I realised, again, that that was no longer possible.
“Zak, I can’t have kids” I said. “If you stay with me you can’t-”
“Don’t” he said, raising his voice angrily at me. “Do you really think I’m gonna let that come between us. Lorna there are other ways. We will get a baby one day” He said, “I promise” I looked at him with tears in my eyes knowing that what he had said was right.
“I am so tired!” He complained, obviously wanted to change the subject.
“Go home then” I encouraged, when really I didn’t want him to leave me but he needed to sleep.
“Not a chance” He said, squeezing my hand again. And slowly we both began to fall asleep.

“Helloooo?!” Natalie echoed waking me up. I was awake. My eyes opened slightly but Natalie didn’t seem to notice. “Don’t worry about Natalie. She’ll just read this heat magazine for the 7th time!” Natalie said sarcastically. I smiled. I was even sorer today and I hadn’t slept well at all. I couldn’t sleep through the pain. My head was throbbing, again. And my broken wrist was aching. That may be because I have a Zak lying on it but I don’t care. I was happy he was still here. He was snoring again causing me to smile. “Oh! So now Natalie can’t even read the magazine because her idiot of a friend can’t even keep quiet! You come to visit your friend whose in hospital before your lecture and she’s not even awake! And then her boyfriend - ex boyfriend, whatever, is just drooling, eww” She laughed. “all over her! Nice!” I closed my eyes again and pretended to still be asleep. Natalie was amusing me. The door opened and I listened out to see who it was.
“Oh” A guy said.
“I’ll leave” Natalie said, it sounded as if she was standing up.
“It’s fine you don’t need to” It was Rhys.
“Oh. Gaby’s not here so you’ll speak to me!” She said with fake happiness. “Where is she anyway?” Natalie asked snidely.
“At her flat. She asked me to come in and see Lorna on the way to work and tell her that she’d come in la-“
“In fact I don’t even care” She snapped. Her voice got further away as she spoke. She must’ve started walking towards the door. I heard the door open but it didn’t close. My eyes opened to see what was going on. They were kissing. Rhys had Natalie pushed up against the wall and was kissing her passionately.
“How fucking stupid are you two?!” I managed. It didn’t even sound angry. More weak. I really needed a drink but I wasn’t gonna ask either of them to get it for me. They jumped apart as I spoke; both of them looking extremely guilty. “Zak could’ve woken up and seen that! And I bet you he wouldn’t be as horrible as I’ve been to Gaby” Both of them stood at the door about a metre apart just watching me in shock.
“You promised me it was over!” I said. “Twice now!”
“It is” Natalie muttered. She wasn’t even looking at me. She was looking at the floor. Ashamed.
“What was-” I coughed. “that then?”
“Nothing” Natalie said. Rhys was completely speechless. I couldn’t see his face. How could he keep doing this to Gaby!
“Of course it was” I said. Zak began to stir and Rhys and Natalie looked panicked.
Zak sat up and rubbed his eyes. He turned round sleepily and looked at Rhys and Natalie before turning back round to me panicked after the terrified looks that crossed their faces.
“I’m fine!” I said. He sighed thankfully and turned back round to face Rhys and Natalie.
“What’s up with you two?”
“Nothing” They both said at the same time. Making it obvious something was up.
“They’re just leaving” I said. I didn’t care how rude that was. I was angry; at them and myself!
“Yeah” Natalie said. “I’ll see you later.” Quickly walking out of the door and slamming it closed.
“I’ve got work” Rhys said. He looked guilty and he should. He also walked towards the door and slammed it shut.
“What was that all about?” Zak asked, before the door had even closed.
“I really don’t know” I lied. Wishing that my lie was the truth.

Gaby's POV

“Mum, honestly, I’m fine…”
My Mum was pushing her way through my door, despite my clearly useless protests.
“Look, you’re going through a tough time right now.” She said, putting her bag on the table.
“I’m fine though. I have my friends and Rhys… I’m alright.”
“Gaby, one of your friends recently passed away, and you’re best friend is in a pretty critical condition-”
“But she’s awake now.” I interrupted her. It is true, Lorna has woken up. I haven’t seen her yet, but that doesn’t make the fact a lie.
“Oh sweetheart, she’s still critical.” Mum said, walking over to where Alicia lay on the floor. My heart felt like it was melting. Seriously, was she trying to make me feel better or worse?
“You being here won’t help.” I said, trying not to sound rude but it came out pretty bitter.
“It will do you some good, to have a break.”
“I’m perfectly fine.” I said, angrily. Does she not realise that I’m not the one who’s been hurt? That it’s been my best friends who have been damaged and forced to stay in hospital?
Mum had now picked Alicia up. She started to whimper, but stopped as soon as she saw me walking over.
“I won’t force you to do anything Gaby, but I was thinking – well – maybe it would be better for me to look after Alicia for a week or so.” Mum said, glancing at me for a reaction. I gaped at her for a moment.
“No – definitely not.”
“You need a break.”
“I need my child.” I responded, sitting on the edge of the sofa. My mum just looked at me. She seemed sad, almost disappointed.
“Gaby, think about it. You’ve got a friend in hospital, and a funeral to attend soon… How can you cope with Alicia at the same time? You need a little space. You’re only young remember.”
“I’m not that young. I can handle everything. I’ve never been apart from her Mum, please don’t.” I whispered the last part. I don’t understand why she thinks this would be a good idea. I really don’t.
“You don’t have to decide right away. I’m here till tea time.”
I just nodded.
“I thought I’d give you some time to go see Lorna this afternoon.”
I just nodded again. I didn’t want to speak. My throat had closed. My mind was blank. It would be good to not have to worry about Alicia throughout everything. It would be good to finally get a good night sleep when I honestly need it the most. But I cannot imagine waking up in the morning and not seeing her, or going to sleep at night and her not being there…

-

I walked through the crowded hospital corridors quite slowly. Lorna’s room was right at the end of Ward 17, and I was in no rush to get there. I know Lorna’s awake now, but so was Zoë… I’m scared that by seeing Lorna something will happen. So I took each step as slow as I possibly could without causing a reaction from the other people around me.
I got to Lorna’s door finally and hesitated. I really didn’t want to go in. I wanted to turn back around and leave… But then someone looked up and out the window, and waved. It was Zak. He was smiling.
I took a deep breath and pushed the handle down.
“Hey.” I said quietly, looking at everyone who was in the room. I started at Zak. He was sat next to the bed where Lorna was. I hadn’t glanced at her yet. I didn’t want to. My eyes moved the other way and I saw Aly whispering to Adrian. I continued and saw Kris with his head back and eyes closed on a chair. And there was no one else here. I had to look at Lorna now. I had to force myself to see her. But before my eyes could move –
“Hey.” Her voice was so weak and raspy that it made glancing at her all the more difficult. I closed my eyes for a brief second, before putting on a small smile and glancing at her.
A couple of the tubes had gone. Her head had a smaller, less obvious bandage on. The cast on her arm was now a bright purple and had been signed by numerous people. My eyes moved up to her face. It looked alive. Her cheeks were pink and the bags under her eyes had gone. Her lips were no longer pale and dried out. She looked completely different to yesterday morning.
“You’re looking-”
“Dead?” She finished, her voice barely stronger than a whisper. I couldn’t help but smile. My first real smile in 4 days.
“I was going to say better, but dead’s cool too.” I replied, closing the door and walking further into the room. Kris opened his eyes and sat up. Aly found me a chair so I could sit down. It was strange seeing Alyson be kind. I know she’s only doing it for Lorna’s sake, but it was definitely a lot nicer. The room didn’t feel quite as tense.
“Where’s Alicia?” Kris asked as I sat down on the opposite side of the bed to Zak.
“With my Mum.” I said slowly. Should I talk to him here about what she offered? But I knew he’d be more against it then I am.
“Oh. Right.” He stood up. “I’ve got a lecture. Sorry Lorna, I'll have to go.”
I looked at Lorna. Her eyes had been closed, but she opened them so she could respond to Kris.
“It’s fine.” She said, breathlessly. She rolled her head back and closed her eyes again.
Zak started stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. He just stared at her. I could tell he was still worried. Zoë seemed even better than this when everything just went.. worse.
“I'll see you later.” Kris said, shrugging his coat on and opening the door. I jumped up and followed him outside. Noticing I was following, he held the door open for me.
“Everything okay?” He asked, as I closed the door quietly.
“Yeah, it’s fine.” I faked a smile. “Can we talk a bit later? When you’re back from your lecture?”
He gave me an uneasy look, and then nodded. “I'll be back at 2.”
“I'll meet you at halls.” I said, opening the door and heading back into Lorna’s room. I looked out the window; Kris was still stood there, looking a bit confused.
“What was that about?” Zak asked, also looking out into the hall. I carried on staring for a few seconds.
“Nothing.” I said, as Kris finally walked away.

-

It was gone half 2 when I finally arrived at Halls. As soon as the door closed Kris came out of his room.
“Oh, good, you’re here.”
“Yeah, sorry. Hi.” I said, taking my coat off and throwing over the back of the sofa.
“So what was it you wanted to talk about?” Kris asked, walking into his room. I followed him and he closed the door.
“My Mum.” I said, sitting on his bed. “She’s… Well she offered to take Alicia off our hands for a week.” I told him. “Not off our hands, that sounds bad but-”
“Back to Blackpool?” Kris asked, stunned. I nodded, and he shook his head. “No. Absolutely not. You haven’t agreed, have you?”
“No! I said I couldn’t… But Kris, I’ve been thinking. Wouldn’t it be easier? I mean, we’re still visiting Lorna in hospital daily and there’s.. there’s Zoë’s funeral.”
He closed his eyes when I said that, and I knew I’d hit a nerve. I looked away. He was such close friends with Zoë.
“We can handle it.” He said through gritted teeth.
“Well maybe you can, but I sure as hell can’t!” I said, raising my voice slightly. Kris gaped at me. “Look, I haven’t slept all the way through for about 10 months now. And right now I’m finding things more difficult than ever.”
He didn’t reply straight away.
“I’m just fed up of people thinking we’re too young to have a daughter.” He finally said, standing up.
“Well, I’ve got news for you, Kris. We are too young!” I retorted, standing with him.
“I don’t want her so far away.” He said quietly, turning away from me. I waited for a moment. I didn’t want to get angry. I didn’t want to fight. I wanted him to see where I was coming from, and understand it from my point of view. I don’t want her that far away either, but it’s better for me. For him. For her…
“So you’d rather she be here?” I pulled him around to face me. “Stuck in a hospital for hours at a time. Attending her first funeral at 13 weeks old. It’s not good for her!”
“I know.” He closed his eyes. “I’d just – I’d rather know where she is.”
“She’ll be in Blackpool, in my house, probably in my room, with my Mum.” I said, quietly. He nodded. I sighed with relief, before wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him.
“I’m so glad you agreed. I’d hate to have her in Blackpool without your permission.” I said, as he placed his arms around me too. I felt like I hadn’t hugged Kris in years. It was nice. Oddly comforting.
A cupboard door closed. Someone was in the kitchen. I unravelled myself from around Kris’s neck and smiled at him.
“Do you want to come round now? My Mum’s going to take her at tea time I think.”
“Yeah, I'll come say bye.”

-

“I'll be calling everyday.” I warned my Mum, as she put her coat on. It was nearly 7 o clock.
“No more than 20 times though. I have a busy schedule.” She joked, picking up Alicia’s bag. It was filled with about 50 nappies, multiple clothes, toys and other supplies. Kris was holding Alicia, ready to put her in the car seat.
I took a deep breath. “Okay, let’s do this.”
Kris handed Alicia over to me. I gave her a quick kiss and then started putting her in the car seat.
“You’ll be a good girl for Nana, won’t you?” I said, strapping her in.
“I’m sure she will.” Mum said, smiling at me. Once I’d finished strapping Alicia in, I gave her another kiss before straightening up.
“Tell me if you’re having any problems at all. I'll come and get her.” I told my Mum, giving her a hug. Kris had picked Alicia’s car seat up, with her in it. We all walked down to the car together, and I placed the car seat securely into the back seat. I gave Alicia her teddy, kissed her on the head, and then walked over to my Mum again.
“I love you, thanks for this.” I gave her another hug as Kris said bye to Alicia.
“It’s no problem.” She said, squeezing me tight. I heard the car door close and knew they were ready to leave.
“I'll see you in a week.” I said, my throat getting thick.
“Take care, my dear.” Mum walked around to the other side of the car and got in. I watched Alicia. She was looking at me oddly, and then when the car started she began to cry. My heart broke. I just waved bye. There was nothing else I could do.
The car started to move, and then before i knew it they were around the corner and out of sight.
It wasn’t until Kris put his arm around me that I realised I was crying.
“She’ll be okay.” He whispered, leading me back inside.
“No, I know.”
We walked up the stairs quietly. I was trying my best not to make enough noise for Karl to come out of his flat. As much as I enjoy chatting to him every now and then, now was not a good time.
“Do you want a drink? Food?” Kris asked, walking into the kitchen. The flat felt empty and quiet. I leant against the doorway of the kitchen and folded my arms. When, after a few seconds, I hadn’t replied, Kris looked at me for an answer.
“I want to go out.”
“What?”
“I want to go out.” I repeated. Kris gave me an uneasy look.
“Really?” He frowned. I took a deep breath.
“Kris, I haven’t been on a proper night out since I found out I was pregnant. I’ve finally got my break. I want to go out.” I said, staring at him. I was afraid that if I broke my gaze he’d refuse. I honestly felt like a child asking for permission.
“Fine. Okay.” He said, before smiling. “Should we invite other people? Rhys?”
“I said I wanted a break.” I said, walking out of the room and into mine to get ready. I actually felt excited. A night out. Fun. Alcohol. No stress.
I. Cannot. Wait.

-

Kris was back at mine in no time, wearing casual (for him) skinny jeans, a pretty nice top and converse shoes. I opened the door in a rush, not quite ready.
“Woah.” Kris said, closing the door. I just went into my room, shouting that I wasn’t ready yet.
I finished putting lip gloss on, strapped on the best heels I could find and looked in the mirror. I’d straightened my hair but clipped back my fringe. My eyes were smoky with way too much mascara, but I honestly couldn’t care right now. I was wearing a stripy blue and black top - with most of the back missing - tucked into the shortest leather shorts, and black heels with many straps going around my ankles. I felt good. I’d lost pretty much all of my pregnancy weight already, so I didn’t feel uncomfortable wearing what I was.
I draped a long black cardigan on (which went lower than my shorts) and walked out into the front room, feeling oddly at home in my heels.
“Oh my God.” Kris looked at me shocked. I suddenly felt very self-conscious.
“Should I change?” I asked, biting my lip.
“Definitely not.” He said, looking me up and down. I laughed, picking up my bag and walking him out of the flat. He flicked the lights off and I locked my door. Tonight better be the best night ever.

-

Chester was a much better place for a night out. We literally went into about 5 different clubs. All as brilliant as the others.
“I love this place!” I screamed over the music. Kris was smiling at me, holding my hand and pulling me through the crowds towards the bar. It was nice, just me and him hanging out. We stood at the bar for a minute, Kris trying to get the barmaid’s attention and get us both a drink. I moved away from the bar, it was more crowded there than anywhere else. As soon as I was slightly in the crowd, a hand gripped around my back and I was dancing with a random guy I’d never met before. Usually, I’d throw them off. But I didn’t want to. I was having fun. I could hardly focus on his face, but I didn’t even care. We danced, and I felt like a slut, but I couldn’t care less. Then his lips pressed against mine and he forced his tongue into my mouth. My senses suddenly kicked in. I pulled away, shook my head, smiled and walked away. Kris was now chatting to some other guy stood at the bar, like they knew each other. Once he saw me, he handed me my drink. I drank it quickly, not wanting to carry the bottle around with me.
“Nice dancing.” Kris said into my ear, as I leaned over to put my bottle down.
“Want a go?” I asked, grabbing his hand and pulling him into the crowd. He laughed but followed reluctantly. I didn’t dance with Kris like I danced with the other guy. I raved with him. We jumped up and down to the music and just had a laugh. Like best friends do. Another lad came up to me from behind, and I danced with him even though I hadn’t even seen his face. I heard Kris laughing his head off though. It must look pretty pathetic. But fun is fun, and this is what a night out is.
By 3am, I had definitely had enough though. The clubs were thinning and without the huge crowds it just wasn’t as good.
“Let’s get out of here.” I said to Kris, who nodded and followed me to the exit. We walked to the nearest take out, got some food, then found a taxi to take us home.
I got my keys out and started trying to get it into the lock, but no matter how many times I tried I couldn’t do it.
“Kris!” I whispered loudly, before giggling. “I can’t get it in.”
“Funny, that’s what she said.” He said casually, before wetting himself laughing. I couldn’t help but laugh myself. We were in hysterics, before finally the key fit and I turned the lock.
“Home.” I said, opening the door and turning the light on. I closed the door behind Kris and locked it again. He was taking his shoes off and heading over to my sofa. I copied him, taking my shoes off too. He was now sat on the sofa, so I walked over and climbed on top of him; sitting on his lap but facing towards him. He started laughing.
“Anyone would think you’re about to kiss me.” He said quietly. I smiled, my hand trailing across his chest.
“Would that be so bad?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. He smiled at me.
“You don’t want to.” He told me, grabbing hold of both my hands and locking our fingers together.
“I’m the boss of that.” I said quietly, the smile never leaving my face. He sighed.
“You’ll regret it.” He whispered. “Because you know I’m not going to stop you.”
“Good, cause I don’t want you to.” I said, before finally leaning in and pressing my lips against his. Our hands were still intertwined by our sides, as we kissed so hard it was like the world was ending. He let go of my hands and forced me closer to him. Pressed me hard against him. Then he fell to the side of the sofa, bringing me with him so we could lie down instead. We kissed for a lifetime. It was like we were making up for lost time. Like this is what we should have been doing for the last year instead of spending it apart. Fireworks were literally going off inside me. My heart was doing summersaults. This is what it’s needed. This is my cure.
Without even speaking, we both knew what was happening. I pulled him up, our lips not once separating, and we made our way to the bedroom. It was a slow journey. We stopped every couple of steps to just kiss some more. As soon as we were in my room, we didn’t bother turning the lights on. We closed the door and immediately started removing each other’s clothes, before falling onto the bed. I opened my bedside draw and withdrew a condom. Kris laughed, and I did. Neither of us were embarrassed or feeling awkward. It was comfortable. It felt so natural. He kissed me again, and that was it. Heaven.

-

I remember music, and dancing, and a lot, a lot of alcohol. I remember laughing. I remember kissing. I remember Kris. Kris…
My head was banging. I haven’t had a hangover in well over 9 months. It felt almost new to me, and the small bit of light shining through my curtains didn’t help. My stomach also had over a million butterflies fluttering around it, because every time Kris took a breath, I feared he’d wake up and ruin this bliss happiness. Yes, that’s right, I was happy. I’d just cheated on my boyfriend-of-9-months, and I was happy about it. Ecstatic. Thrilled… But I knew it wouldn’t last. Once Kris woke up, this was all gone. I couldn’t be happy. I couldn’t keep it this way.
But right now, his arm lay around me and my head lay on his chest, and I’ve never felt so comfortable. I took a deep breath, and suddenly his breathing wasn’t as slow and even as before. I knew he’d woken up. Whether he was too guilty or shy to say he was awake, I didn’t know. But I thought I should let him know I was awake too, so I moved my hand over his chest, my fingers acting a bit like I was playing the piano – or acting like a spider, however you choose to look at it. Then I put my hand flat and just hugged him. He squeezed me back. And that was it. Our silent communication made everything better. I pulled my upper body up a bit, so I could look at him.
“Hey.” I said, smiling shyly. I still wasn’t certain he’d be okay with last night.
“Hey.” He replied in the same tone. I just smiled wider. He reached out for my hand and I gave it to him willingly. Our hands slipped together easily.
“What happens now?” He asked, sounding almost sad.
“I don’t know.” I whispered, looking at our hands. There was silence for a couple of minutes. I pulled my hand out of his and wrapped myself tighter in the sheet, before lying on my side so I could look at him. He leaned closer to me and kissed me. I kissed him too, and everything, every worry, flushed out of my head.
“I don’t want this to end.” I said quietly, once we parted. He smiled and took my hand again.
“It doesn’t have to.” He said, stroking my cheek. I closed my eyes. Everything inside was begging me not to say what I had to…
“Yes it does.” I whispered. Kris suddenly went still. I opened my eyes, and he was looking away.
“I know, it always does.” He said bitterly.
“I don’t want it to.” I said defensively. “But I can’t Kris. Rhys…”
“What about him? Gaby we’ve got more reasons to be together! We have a daughter.” He said, propping himself up.
“I love him.” I said, even though I knew it would break Kris’s heart. It was true. I love Rhys so much. Kris fell back down. I’d done it. He was hurting. “But-” I said quickly, “I think… I think I might love you too.” I said slowly.
“Might?” Kris asked, looking at me.
“I do.” I said, closing my eyes. I felt his lips, soft, against mine.
“That’s all I needed to-”
“-Hello?”

My heart dropped into my stomach somewhere. I felt all colour whoosh out of my face. I looked at Kris, panicked. Rhys was in my flat, and I was in here with Kris.
“Go!” I hissed at Kris, pointing to Alicia’s room. He rushed in there and I stood up.
“Gaby?” Rhys called out again. I heard keys drop onto my table. He was going to come in here and see Kris’s clothes spread all over the floor, along with mine…
“Rhys? Er, just a minute! I’m getting changed.” I shouted. He seemed to believe me, because next I heard him in the kitchen. I quickly pulled some pyjama’s on, and my dressing gown, brushed my hair and put it in a bobble. I picked up all of Kris’s clothes and threw them into Alicia’s room with him, before closing that door. I looked in the mirror. I still had all the make up from last night on. I got a wipe and went over my face, so it looked a bit better. I sprayed deodorant on myself to try and get rid of the alcohol smell and walked out of my room. What the hell was I thinking?! Last night was such a mistake.
“Hey.” I said, walking into the kitchen where Rhys was now helping himself to my whole fridge.
“Thought you were getting dressed?”
“Oh, well, you were here so I just put these on. I’d have been hours otherwise.” I said, quietly. My words didn’t seem to quite come out right.
“Right, well I was wondering if you wanted to come see Lorna.”
“Not right now. I don’t feel too good.” I said, suddenly becoming aware of my blinding headache.
“Okay, well I’m going to head down there now. I'll see you later?”
“Yeah.” I nodded, and he kissed me. He gave me a puzzled look. “What?” I asked, trying to sound confused. Casual…
“Have you been drinking?” He asked, frowning.
“I had a couple last night, with – er, Natalie and Ella.” I lied, and I could tell her didn’t believe me.
“Okay.” He said slowly. “I'll see you later.”
“Bye.” I said, staying stood in my kitchen till I heard the front door close. I ran back through to my room, and opened Alicia’s door.

“He’s gone.” I said, as Kris stood up from the rocking chair, now fully dressed in the clothes he wore last night. We stood a couple of feet apart, just staring at each other, before bursting out laughing.
“I don’t know why I’m laughing. That was horrible.” I said, forcing myself to be serious.
“I’m sorry.” Kris said, taking my hand in his.
“It’s not your fault.” I said quietly.
“I shouldn’t have got you drunk.”
“I shouldn’t have kissed you.” I replied, smiling. “But… I don’t think I can stop myself anymore.” It was true. I’d given in to everything I’d been holding back for the last 7 months. I can’t go back now. It’s impossible.
“Good, cause I don’t want you to.” He said the same thing I had last night, before kissing me. I pulled away after a few seconds.
“I need to shower.” I said, smiling. He was smiling too. It was so weird. I’ve not felt this happy in ages.
“I'll see you later?” Kris asked, in the exact same way Rhys had. My heart dropped a little.
I took a deep breath, “Yeah.” I nodded, “Later.”

-

I felt like I was doing a walk of shame as I trailed up the hospital corridor towards Lorna’s room. I knew that Rhys would be in there. How could I act all natural with him after last night? Secrets are not good things. I hate lying, but telling the truth could make everything so much harder. I paused outside Lorna’s room, for a moments preparation. Just act natural.
“Hey.” I said quietly, walking inside. There was only Claire and Rhys in here, apart from Lorna.
“Hi Gaby.” Claire said, so I smiled at her before looking at Lorna. She was asleep on her side. Surely that’s a sign of getting better, that fact she’s moved? She didn’t even stir when I entered the room. She must be pretty tired though. I think I would be after everything.
“How are you?” Rhys asked from the other side of the room. I didn’t look at him. I just shrugged. “I spoke to Natalie,” he continued. My heart stopped, I swear. I turned to look at him, waiting for him to finish his sentence. “She said you got pretty drunk last night.”
I felt my face slip into a stunned expression before I could help myself. I tried to cover it up with a fake smile, but Rhys had noticed and he was giving me a quizzical look.
“Well, it was my first real break since I got pregnant, so…” I said. I don’t understand why Natalie would have lied for me. I wasn’t actually out with her last night, was I? I don’t remember seeing her… She really is a great friend.
“Where’s Alicia?”
“At my Mum’s.”
“In Blackpool?” He asked shocked.
“Yes.” I said, bluntly.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because she’s my daughter, Rhys, not yours. The only other person who really needed to know that information was Kris.” I snapped. Rhys gave me a look of hatred. He walked closer to me, so he didn’t have to raise his voice.
“I’ve been there for you since the moment you found out you were pregnant. I’ve watched you battle through thick and thin; yet here you are keeping things to yourself. Lying to me!” He said it so quietly, that I’d rather he’d shouted. I was finding it difficult to fight back tears.
“I’m not lying to you.” I hissed. Claire cleared her throat, to remind us she was still in the room I suppose. Or maybe to say we’re in a hospital. Either way, we still both ignored her.
“You’ve never been a good liar, Gaby.”
“Yeah? Well neither have you.” I retorted angrily. He looked taken aback. We were both silent. Neither of us wanted to break the other’s glare. That was until –
“-Woah, what’ve I missed?” Lorna’s weak voice pulled me back to my senses. I turned away from Rhys and smiled at her.
“Hey.” I said, walking over to her and opening up my bag. I pulled out a heat and real life magazine and multiple bags of sweats.
“I know, you’re probably not up to reading these or eating those but here.” I said, handing them over to her. She smiled.
“Thanks.” It sounded like she was using all her energy just to say one simple word.
“How are you today?”
“Drowsy.” She mumbled.
“But that’s only because the doctor gave her some really strong medication. Drowsiness is one of the effects.” Claire said quickly.
“Oh, right, well that’s good then?”
Claire nodded, a smile on her face… but the worry never left her eyes. I guess with Lorna’s family luck, it’s not a shock for them all to be scared at times like this.
“I don’t want to sound rude, but would you all mind leaving?” Lorna asked, not looking at anyone in particular. Claire looked confused, I just nodded.
“Of course.” I said, putting my bag back over my shoulder.
“Sorry, I’m just-”
“It’s fine. You rest.” Claire said, giving her a hug. I just walked over to the door where Rhys was stood stationary. He looked at me for a moment, before turning to Lorna.
“Look after yourself.” He said, waving her bye. She smiled and closed her eyes and we all left her room.
Claire made some excuse about needing to see some doctor, leaving me and Rhys alone.

We walked half way down the corridor before Rhys slipped his hand into mine. I put my head against his shoulder and we walked slowly towards the exit.
“I’m sorry.” He said quietly. I just stayed silent. He knew me so well, that by just saying one word I might as well tell him everything that happened last night. It was raining once we got outside. Heavily too. I stopped in the shelter for a moment, just looking out at it. Every droplet bounced of the road, pavement, cars… It looked oddly inviting.
“Did you drive here?” Rhys asked me. I looked at him.
“Yeah, do you want a lift?”
“No, I was just checking you didn’t.” He answered. “I drove here too.”
“In whose car?” I asked confused. Rhys doesn’t have his own car. The only car I’ve ever seen him drive is my own.
“My Dad’s.” He said, looking directly into my eyes. I looked away. I felt like if he looked hard enough, he’d be able to see everything I was hiding. “Are you okay?” He asked, putting a hand on the side of my face and forcing me to look at him.
“I’m fine.” I said, closing my eyes. He wrapped his arms around me so I was buried up against his chest. We stayed like that for a few minutes. It was relaxing.
“I love you.” He said, kissing me on the cheek. I moved my head and found his lips. Warmth trickled through me. It numbed the guilt.
“I love you too.” I said, once we’d parted. He smiled and started heading into the rain. I watched him walk away, to the other side of the car park. Once his car started, I started walking towards mine on the opposite side. I was drenched within seconds. The rain was so thick and fast, it was difficult to even see where I was going. Once I got in my car, I didn’t bother starting the engine. It was still too difficult to see. It wasn’t the rain clogging my vision; It was the my tears.

Lorna's POV

The pale yellow of the wall was all that I had seen in hours – well what had felt like hours. I’d managed to roll back onto my back in my sleep but the pain it caused had me awake in seconds. I just want the nurse to come back and bring me more pills. God, from booze to pills in the space of a week, go me. I lifted my arm up and fished around in thin air trying to reach the Heat magazine that Gaby brought to me earlier, yesterday maybe, but I couldn’t make my arm bend that way and my attempts were just draining my energy completely. I brought my arm back toward me and sat it back down on my stomach.
When I was a baby my bedroom was yellow. My mum and dad had left my gender a surprise. They’d already had their first son and their first daughter so it made no odds to them whether I was a girl or a boy and yellow was the neutral colour that they had chosen for my room. The pale yellow of the walls in here were almost the exact same colour but it was making me uneasy, making me think about things that I just wanted to erase from my mind completely. The same pressing questions continued tumbling around in my head. Would we have found out the sex of our baby? Would we have painted the baby’s room yellow? Would the baby have had its own room? Zak’s flat was only a one bedroom flat. Would we have moved? Would I have even moved in with Zak? These questions continued to stress me even though they no longer needed answers.
I turned my head quickly – too quickly – as I heard a crash in the corridor but from my bed I could see nothing but the clock on the wall. My eyes focused in on the clock slowly through the blinds, quarter to 10. I couldn’t decide whether that was morning or night. All I knew is that I was awake, for once.
The door opened, and I jumped slightly.
“Sorry” I heard an apology come from the door. I managed to slowly push myself into a sitting position so that I’d be able to see the room better.
“Kris” I choked. My throat was dry. He walked over to the side of my bed and handed me my cup across and helped me take a sip. I smiled thankfully.
“What time is it?” I asked with ease after my drink.
“Quarter to ten”
I sighed which caused Kris to give me a look of confusion, “At night?”
“Lorna, with the pounding headache I still had last night there was no chance of me dragging myself in here to see you!” He said cheekily.
“Pounding headache?” I asked curiously.
Kris’s whole body suddenly tensed up. It took him a good few seconds before his back relaxed again and he answered my question, “Gaby wanted to go out, she needed a break from,” He paused awkwardly.
I nodded.
“And of course, I went with her and got completely wrecked” He sighed, “I’m still recovering!” He moaned.
“Hey!” I snapped. “Hangover compared with brain surgery, I know which one I’d rather have!” I sighed.
“God” He said. “I’m sorry”
I smiled. “It’s fine” I said. “You’re talking to me normally unlike everyone else. I can’t even breathe without freaking Zak, or Adrian, out”
“They’re just worried” He said.
“I know” I sighed, sounding irritated.
“Lorna, you don’t understand how scared everyone is! You weren’t there when Zoe-“ He paused and shook his head, starting to get upset, “She was getting better, I saw her Lorna, she was lying there smiling, trying to make jokes about how maybe her lecturer would give her some extra time on some assignment now” He started to shake with tears. “Everyone thought she was going to be okay, even she did, Lorna we were making plans to –“ he paused, “and then she was g-“he choked back his tears unable to say it.
My eyes were now filled with tears. “I’m sorry” I managed. I still couldn’t force myself to believe that Zo was gone. Part of me still seems to believe that when I’m out of this hospital and back in halls; Zoe will come over every so often and annoy Archie, or chat to Elliot about the old times, or that she’s gonna come to mobs before her lectures for a berry blast. I just keep failing to understand that none of those things are possible anymore. I moved my arm over and onto Kris’s shoulder and rubbed it sympathetically, ignoring the tears that were running down my own cheeks.
The door opened again and Kris’s head shot up, again he tensed up and moved up and out of the chair. It was Rhys, great. Who was followed quickly by Zak.
“Babe” He said sympathetically, hurriedly arriving at my side “What’s wrong?” He turned and shot Kris an extremely dirty look.
“I better go” Kris said, wiping his eyes. He gave me an awkward, half smile as he quickly left the room. The door closed at the exact same time as Zak’s bum hit the chair beside me. His hand was intertwined with mine instantly.
“What did he say?” He said, he sounded really pissed off. It’s at a time like this where they need to try and forget about what happened, both of them were really close to Zoe and I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t want to see them like this.
“We were talking about Zoe” I said. I lifted my hand to wipe my tears but Zak’s hand brushed against my cheek before I reached it myself. Zak froze with his fingers still sitting on my cheek.
“Is he okay?” He asked, trying to sound as if he was only asking to be polite and not out of general concern.
I nodded.
“Good.” He muttered. “How are you?”
“Alright” I said. “I must’ve slept all night for once”
He smiled. “That’s good”
“Rhys?” I asked
“Yeah” He answered, reluctantly.
“Why are you standing over there?” I asked. I could hear in my voice that I was starting to sound better and not as weak as I had done in the days before.
“Rhys is convinced that Gaby’s lying to him” Zak filled me in as he opened my laptop bag and sat a dvd wallet on my bed which I lifted up and then dropped on top of my chest. I opened it and flicked through the DVDS, all of my favourites. I smiled.
“Oh?” I said in response to what Zak had said about Rhys. How can he accuse her of lying to him when he has been lying to her for MONTHS.
“Gaby went out the night before last with Natalie and now Rhys seems to think something went on that Gaby’s not telling him about” Zak said, as he plugged in my laptop. While Zak was bent down I gave Rhys a look, well I attempted too. I was angry. Wait, Natalie? But Kris said it was just the two of them? I felt my eyes widen in shock. No. Nothing happened. I’m wrong. I must be.
“What’s wrong babe?” Zak asked as he sat back up in the chair and placed my laptop beside my legs.
“Nothing” I smiled fakily. “Thank you” I smiled, looking down at my laptop.
“No problem” He smiled his cheeky grin and I giggled and then I felt my cheeks go slightly red.
“Are you at work again this afternoon?” I asked.
“I start in an hour” He sighed. “I’ll come back in later though, I promise” I smiled, I feel more comfortable when Zak’s here with me.
“Isn’t it about time you got a real job Zak?” Rhys laughed.
“I’m trying!” He said defensively. Again, I shot Rhys a look. The whole job situation was really stressing Zak out. He’d been trying for months. Although I still don’t think he’s even sure about what he wants to do.
“Sorry” Rhys said awkwardly. “I’ve got a lecture to go too” He said, moving away from my bed.
“No one is visiting for long today” I said with almost a smile which caused both Rhys and Zak to give me a strange look. To be honest I was kind of relieved. I don’t like the fact that my friends feel like they have to come and see me in here every day.
“Claire was just getting ready to come up as we left” Zak explained.
“Gaby was as well” Rhys said.
I smiled. The door opened again and the nurse walked in. Pills! She walked over toward my bed but to the opposite side to where Zak was sat. When he saw who it was he stood up and gave me a light kiss on the forehead.
“I love you” I whispered.
“Love you too” He said kissing my forehead again. The nurse gave Zak a polite smile as he headed out of the door. She sat her tray, with the 4 different pills, on my bed side table.
“It’s that time again Lorna” She said with a sympathetic smile. Joy... as she started flicking around with bits of paper on her clipboard, I felt myself wondering how long it’d be till Zak was back again.

--

“Seriously?!” Gaby laughed as she sat there in the chair on my left side. Both Gaby and Claire had been here for over a few hours now and for that whole time what Kris and Zak had both said was still eating away at me. Although I knew it was possible that Gaby had been out with Kris and Natalie, something just didn’t seem right.
“It was an accident!” I managed to say in my defence. Claire had just told Gaby about the time that a climbed into a car that was the same type as my dad’s but not actually my dad’s.
“Sure it was” Claire laughed sarcastically. Claire had been telling Gaby embarrassing stories about me for over an hour at least. It was nice, my old best friend and my new best friend both ganging up to laugh at me – although I’m not going to lie the stories had made me smile as well. The laughter had died down and I sighed.
“Gaby do you want anything from the shop? Tea? Ribena?” Claire asked.
“Erm Could I get tea please?” Gaby smiled, leaning down to pick up her hand bag.
“I’ll get it” Claire smiled. “What is it you take in your tea again? Milk and sugar?”
“Just Milk” Gaby smiled. “Thanks”
“No Problemo” Claire said as she stood up and headed out of the door.
“It’s really strange being at the flat and not having Alicia there-“ Gaby started but after that I tuned out. Kris said that he went out with Gaby. Rhys is convinced she’s lying. Gaby can’t lie. I know that she loves Rhys but i think she loves Kris more. In fact, I don’t just think that! I know that!
“Gaby –“ I said cutting her off from talking about how much she missed Alicia. “Did you sleep with Kris?”

Gaby's POV

“The flat just seems so… quiet without her.” I said to Lorna, as she lay looking at me, a puzzled look on her face. “I mean, I’ve had 2 pretty good nights sleep – which is strange, I’ve got to say. And this morning, I got up at 9! Do you know how much of a lie in th-”
“Gaby, did you sleep with Kris?” Lorna asked, her face full of confusion. My stomach dropped. I opened my mouth in shock, not really knowing how to reply to that. How could she even know that? I haven’t spoken to her about it. I’m pretty sure Kris hasn’t even been in here… And other than us two, nobody else knew we even went out. She must just be assuming things. Surely.
“Er, like a year ago – yeah. Catch up Lorna.” I said, trying to brush things off. She shook her head. Her hands moved to her side, and she tried to push herself into a seated position, but she just couldn’t. I stood up and helped her as she spoke.
“I mean a couple of nights ago.” She said slowly. Again I didn’t speak. I stayed quiet until she was sat up properly and I was sat down.
“What would give you that idea?” I asked. I could feel the blood pumping round my veins. I felt so nervous…
“Well – Kris, actually.” She answered, tilting her head.
“You’ve spoken to him?”
“Earlier, yes.” She replied. Her voice sounded dry. I didn’t speak. “He said you were out with him the other night… But Zak seems to think you were with Natalie… And Rhys seems to think you’re lying to him.”
“I didn’t sleep with Kris.” I said, trying to laugh it off. She just frowned at me.
“Look, I’ve never been as good as Kris or Rhys at the whole knowing when you lie thing – but seriously, you’re not that good at it.” Lorna said, eyeing me up. “I’m supposed to be your best friend.”
“You are.”
“Then tell me the truth! Gaby, I’m not going to judge you. I’ve loved you and Kris from the start. You two make sense.”
“There is no us two.”
“Does he know that?” She asked. Her voice quavered. She was using too much energy just to talk to me. If I make her ill, everyone will kill me.
“Lorna, can we talk about this when you’re not critically ill?” I said, standing up.
“No, we can’t. And you can’t leave; Claire’s getting you a tea.”
I stared at her for a moment, before reluctantly sitting back down. She took a few deep breaths before speaking again.
“It’s obvious now that you have slept with Kris…”
“We haven’t-”
“Gaby – please!” She said, a smile on her face but I could tell she was being thoroughly serious. I waited for a moment. And without even knowing what happened, without even knowing where they came from – I burst into tears.
“Gaby!” Lorna seemed just as shocked as I was. I buried my head in my hands as the tears came pouring out. I felt her hand limply pat my shoulder, so I looked up at her.
“I don’t know what to do.” I whispered quietly. She gave me a sad look. “Lorna, I’ve let it all slip. I’ve been holding it back for months, and I let it all slip…”
“I’m sorry.” She croaked, looking like she desperately wanted to hug me. I laughed at myself.
“It’s f-fine.” I said thickly.
“What happened?” Lorna asked, but just as she did Claire came back. I stood up and took my tea off her, giving her the money for it.
“Are you okay?” She asked, noticing the fact I was crying. I smiled and nodded.
“Thanks for the tea, but I’ve got to head off. I didn’t realise the time.” I briefly waved at Lorna, smiled at Claire and walked out of the room. I walked as fast as I could back to my car, ignoring the fact the cup of tea was burning my hand. If anything it eased the guilt and stress. I got to my car a lot faster than usual, placed the tea on the dashboard and got my phone out.
I found his number quickly and pressed call. It was only 2 rings before he answered.
“Hello?”
“I need to see you. Now.” I said quickly.
“Gaby? Are you okay?” He answered, sounding worried. It made everything hurt.
“I’m on my way home from the hospital. Just go to my flat, please?” I asked, and he agreed. I put my phone away and started the engine. Driving home as quickly as I could.

-

Once I’d parked my car, I rushed into my building and up the stairs. As I turned the corner to my flat, I stopped. Shocked and confused.
“Rhys?” I asked, breathless. He was sat on the floor outside my flat, talking to Karl who was stood in his doorway. “What’re you doing here?”
“I came to see you, but you weren’t in – so I figured I’d wait a bit and see if you showed up.” He said, standing now. “And you’re upset…” He noted, brushing a strand of hair out of my face. Karl moved into his flat, leaving us alone.
“It’s nothing, I’m fine. I just want to be alone, actually.” I said, trying to usher him away. He looked worried.
“Why are you upset?” He asked, gazing into my eyes. I couldn’t tell him why I was upset. It was impossible. And it was even worse, that he was here when I’d just told Kris to get here pronto.
“Things are getting to me.” I mumbled, which was in actual fact the truth. He just nodded, and leaned in for a kiss. I kissed him back. He made me feel like all my troubles are gone...
I heard footsteps behind me.
“Oh.” Kris said, quietly from the staircase. “I'll come back later.”
I looked at the floor, begging the tears to stay inside my eyes.
“Do you really want me to go?” Rhys whispered in my ear. I could still see Kris standing behind me, out of the corner of my eye.
I nodded at Rhys. He hugged me, kissed my forehead, then pushed past Kris and left. I stood waiting for a second, still not looking at Kris.
“Is everything –” Kris started, but I stopped him by pointing at Karl’s open door. He just nodded. I walked closer to Kris so I could speak.
“You should leave too.” I said quietly.
“But-”
“Just… Come back really soon. Okay?” I asked, and he nodded before turning and leaving as well. I took a deep breath and walked up to my door.
“Tough times?” Karl asked, as I twisted the lock. I just nodded at him, before walking inside.

-

I sat on my sofa, hugging a pillow and crying for at least an hour before Kris came back. I was beginning to think he wasn’t going to come back, when there was knock at me door. I jumped up and rushed over, checking through the peep hole before I opened the door. He stood there for a second, before rushing inside once he took a good look at me. I closed the door instantly behind him, locked it and pulled the chain across.
“Are you okay? What’s up?” Kris asked, but I just shook my head and moved closer to him. He wrapped his arms around me and I cried into his chest for a few minutes. I tried to calm myself down a few times, but I just felt so much guilt that the tears never stopped.
“What’s wrong?” Kris asked, rubbing my back. I pulled away and wiped my eyes.
“I just – I feel so bad.” I stuttered, looking at the floor. Kris took a deep breath.
“I know.” He muttered, moving his hands down onto my waist. I looked at him. He seemed so concerned.
“Lorna knows.” I said quietly. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. “You told her that we went out… I’d told Rhys I was with Natalie… Sh-she figured it out.”
Kris stayed quiet. A few tears leaked from my eyes and he wiped them away. I closed my eyes, trying to think of anything other than this horrible guilt. Kris took hold of my hand. And without pausing to think, I kissed him. It made everything go away. It made everything so much easier. But then he pulled away.
“Gaby, don’t.” He said quietly. I stared at him for a moment.
“Right. Yeah, you’re right.” I started moving away from him. The tears had stopped now. I’d heard what I needed to here. This would be easier…“Er, you can go now.” I walked back towards my bedroom.
“Oh.” He seemed surprised.
“I mean, it’s probably for the best.” I said, standing in my doorway.
“Yeah, right.” He started walking towards the door.
“Kris-” I started, as he was about to leave. He looked at me. “Thanks. For coming, I mean.”
“It’s fine.” He left and closed the door behind him. I waited for a moment, just to see whether he’d come back in. But when he didn’t, I took a deep breath and got my phone out. I need to see how Alicia’s doing.

-

“Happy 18th of October.” Rhys said, producing flowers from behind his back and holding them out to me. I gave him a confused look, but took them off him anyway. It wasn’t even 9am, but here Rhys was, at my flat.
“Er, thanks.” I said, laughing. “Is today as special day or something?” I asked, walking into my flat and putting the flowers on the side. Rhys came up behind me and put his arms around my waist.
“Not especially.” He mumbled, kissing my neck. I closed my eyes. “I just thought I’d-” He paused to kiss my neck again, “-come see you.” He made a trail of kisses going up to my cheek before I moved away.
“Why the flowers?” I asked, facing him now.
“They’re to say sorry…” He mumbled, “for Thursday, at the hospital. And yesterday too. I’ve upset you, so I’m apologising.” He said, looking at the floor.
“No, Rhys-” I started, but I couldn’t finish the sentence. I just let it hang. “Thank you.” I finally said.
“What are you doing today?” Rhys asked, taking my hand. I smiled.
“Er, I was planning on seeing Lorna…” I said, shrugging. “Not a lot.”
“Well, I am too. I just need to stop off at Halls first though. Want to come?”
“Sure, why not?” I said, smiling. I picked up my bag, and my phone and followed Rhys out the door.

-

“I won’t be a minute.” Rhys said, walking into his room and leaving me in the kitchen alone. I walked over to the counter and sat on one of the stools, just waiting for him. I was sat there for at least 5 minutes before anyone emerged. I heard a door open, and moments later Natalie appeared.
“Hey!” I said, smiling.
“Hi Gabs.” She smiled and headed over to the counter. She sat on the opposite side to me. “Can I ask-” she lowered her voice, “-why I had to cover for you the other night?”
“I’m sorry. Thank you so much!” I said, trying to stay away from the subject of why.
“Where were you?” She asked, frowning slightly. I bit my lip.
“I was out..” I mumbled, “And you know what Rhys is like. I just don’t think he’d have approved.”
Luckily, Natalie seemed to believe me. She smiled, “You going to see Lorna?”
“Yeah, in a few minutes.” I said, as Rhys came out of his room. As soon as Natalie saw him, she jumped up.
“Well I'll see you later, Gaby.” She said, making a quick exit. I gave her a confused look.
“She does that a lot recently.” I said, looking at Rhys. He raised his eyebrows.
“Does what a lot?”
“Just – leaves.”
“That’s Natalie for you.” He said, leading me out the front door. We walked halfway down the stairs when Kris appeared. I instantly got butterflies in my stomach. He smiled at both me and Rhys, but I just completely ignored him; walking as close to Rhys as possible and gripping his hand tight.
“You okay?” Rhys asked, confused.
“Fine.” I said, trying to sound happy – but I failed. There was quiet for a few minutes, but once we got out the building Rhys spoke again.
“You’ve been really down lately.” He mentioned, walking a bit slower.
“Yeah, well one of my friends just died.” I reminded him, bitterly. He sighed.
“I’m sorry.” He said, “I just thought it was more than that.”
“It is…” I said slowly. It was time to decide. Ruin everything with Rhys by just say a few simple words, or continue lying to him forever? Rhys stopped in his tracks.
“It is?”
I took a deep breath.
“I did lie to you the other day..” I said quietly. I looked up at his face. He didn’t look angry or confused. He looked hurt. “I’m sorry.” I added on.
“What did you do?” He asked, like he really didn’t want to. He was watching me closely. A few people walked past us and I felt uncomfortable. I took his hand to make him walk with me, but he just pulled me back.
“I went out.” I told him. That was the truth.
“With who?” His voice was so quiet and demanding, it scared me. I had to tell him the truth. I couldn’t lie again.
“Kris.” I said, staring into his eyes. I waited for a reaction. He looked at me for a moment, before letting go of my hand and walking ahead of me. He laughed sarcastically.
“You slept with him.” He stated, as I walked quickly to catch up with him. I stayed silent. “Well, did you?!” He shouted, rounding on me. A couple of heads turned in our direction. I took a step back from him, and blinked the tears out of my eyes.
“I am so sorry.” I whispered, not taking my eyes off him. And then he did what I least expected. He started crying. A few tears leaked out of his eyes and dripped onto his shirt. My heart literally broke.
“I guess I should’ve expected this.” He said quietly. I didn’t speak. Expected this? What did he mean by that? That I’m a slut? Maybe I am…
“I’m sorry.” I repeated. He just stared at me.
“I’m going to see Lorna.” He finally said, after a few moments silence.
“I’m coming too.” I said, following him as he walked.
“No!” He turned to face me again. “No, you’re not.” He started walking away, and I just stayed stood where I was… Watching him leave.

-

It was over an hour later when I finally got round to visiting Lorna. I hadn’t gone back home… except for getting my car – but I never went inside. I just wandered, thinking way too much. I no longer think that telling Rhys was the right thing to do. Yes, what I did was eating me up inside, but I’d still rather be with him… Now it’s over for good.
I walked slowly up the hospital corridor, smiling at nurses - who now recognised me – as I passed by. When I got to Lorna’s room, I didn’t bother looking to see who was inside first. I just walked in. I was hoping no one would be there, so I could chat to Lorna… But as soon as I opened the door I saw Zak, and sat a little to his left was Rhys. They both looked up when they heard me enter. I smiled shyly, standing in the doorway. Did they all know what I’d done?
“Hey Gaby.” Lorna croaked, a smile on her face. Maybe Rhys hadn’t said anything… I glanced at him, and he was looking away.
“Hi.” I said, walking further into the room. Everything was quiet.
“How are you?” Zak asked. He was looking from me to Rhys, clearly confused by our lack of greeting. I just shrugged in reply.
“I should go.” Rhys said, standing up. He didn’t even look at me…
“No, it’s fine. I will.” I said, heading for the door. But just as I reached it, it opened and in came Kris.
“Perfect.” I said sarcastically, before I walked quickly past him.
“You’ve got a thing for ruining relationships, haven’t you?”
Rhys’ voice made me stop in my tracks.
“What?” Kris asked, feigning confusion.
“Well first you slept with Lorna-” Rhys started.
“-Thanks..” Lorna’s voice said quietly.
“-And now Gaby!” Rhys finished, his voice raised. Although I wasn’t facing anyone, I sensed all eyes turn in my direction.
“Is that true?” Zak sounded shocked.
“You told him?” Kris’s voice was bemused.
I stayed strong. I didn’t feel like crying right now. I felt like facing everyone and accepting whatever they had to say about me.
“Yeah, I did.” I said to Kris, and then I looked at Zak so he’d know that was a reply to his question too. Zak shook his head and looked at the floor. He knew about what I’d done in the past.. Clearly now he was more disappointed than before.
“Trying to make your way through the group? Destroy everyone else’s happiness?” Rhys spat at him.
“Rhys, please.” I begged, moving away from the door and letting it swing shut.
“She wasn’t happy! She wanted a break from you!” Kris argued back.
“What?!” I said shocked. How could Kris say that? “I meant a break from everyone!”
Kris narrowed his eyes. Rhys was looking at me with such bitterness..
“Look, this was all a mistake.” I didn’t look at anyone in particular – just around. “A mistake.” I repeated, this time staring at Rhys. He shook his head.
“I can’t do this. Why? Why do something so… so-”
“-So, what?” Lorna interrupted Rhys, an aggressive tone in her voice. My mind seemed to clear. She was on my side. Of course she was – she knows what it’s like to make a drunken mistake.
“Don’t you start.” Rhys snarled at her.
“Don’t snap at her!” I shouted.
“Let him.” Lorna said, rolling her eyes.
Zak stood up. We all stopped and stared at him. He seemed furious.
“Get out.” He said quietly, looking at Me, Rhys and Kris. I did as he asked and left the room, but not before Rhys got out.
“Rhys-” I ran to catch up with him, but he just shook me off and carried on walking. I stopped in the middle of the corridor. I don’t know if it was to give us space, or just for me to think…
“I’m sorry.” Kris was behind me. I think he was trying to not stand too close.
“Stay away from me for a little while.” I mumbled, before walking down the corridor after Rhys. I felt like a bitch. It was my fault anything even happened with Kris, yet her I am telling him to stay away from me? But I had to do it. I didn’t want to lose Rhys… Well, I guess I’m too late.

Lorna's POV

The second the door closed Zak turned back around and sat down back down in the chair quickly. He looked really angry. His hand wrapped around mine again. Every time he was in the hospital his hand was there, wrapped in mine. I suppose it was his way of feeling connected to me while I lay there, barely recognizable.
“What’d you do that for?” I croaked jokingly.
“Lorna you’re in the hospital!” He said as if I was stupid.
“And?” I pressed.
His eyebrows furrowed. “You shouldn’t have to deal with their problems right now and you definitely shouldn’t have your friend speaking to you like that when you’re in this condition” He said, calmly.
Friend, yeah right, I thought to myself. “Zak, I’m not ill! I’m fine.”
“Fine?!” He said in disbelief. “Fine?! You’ve either broken or bruised every part of your body, you’ve had brain surgery, a –“ he paused. “a miscarriage.”
Every time someone said that word it was as if someone stabbed right in the heart. I actually flinched as Zak said it. “Stop!” I muttered. Zak said nothing. I couldn’t decide whether he had heard me or not. “I want to forget about it” I muttered harshly. The Kris, Gaby and Rhys drama would be much easier to handle than this conversation right now.
“Lorna, it wasn’t nothing” He said, trying to stay calm. “That was our baby.”
Anytime someone mentioned that baby, everything hurt. “I don’t want to have this conversation right now” I said, a tear ran down my cheek. I looked at Zak just sat there. He was deliberately avoiding my gaze. I turned my whole body over onto my side so that I was no longer looking at Zak but I instantly winced as pain erupted through me.
“I failed as a mum” I started. “I mean, that’s if you could even call me a mum. I know that the baby died because Kyle pushed me but” I gulped. “my drinking probably didn’t even give him, maybe her” I sniffed. “a chance at all did it?”
“You can’t think like that!” Zak snapped. He seemed angry with me but what I said is the truth. I couldn’t respond. I had no choice but to think like that. He was silent for a few minutes before he eventually spoke, “I think you would have been a brilliant mum”
“Sure” I sobbed sarcsatically. “I don’t believe I was as stupid” I paused. “I was scared. I know that sounds like a pathetic excuse but-“ I said, tears continued to run down my cheeks. “We could’ve been really happy but I failed to see that. I’m fed up lying here every day going through all the if only’s!” I sighed.
“You can’t keep blaming yourself. It is not your fault.” He said. I didn’t say anything. I turned back round so that I was lying on my back again. I didn’t turn my head to look at Zak. I just lay there looking up at the ceiling. I felt Zak’s hand latch onto mine again but I still didn’t face him. All I wanted to do was to be back at home in bed, all curled into Zak and I just want to cry until I couldn’t cry anymore.
“I just wanna go home” I sniffed.
Zak nodded sympathetically. “Lorna, I’d give anything for you to be back in our flat right now!” We sat in silence again but it wasn’t awkward. Zak started drawing his thumb over the back off my hand, as usual. It made me feel better, calmer, just knowing that he was here. “Where is home?” He asked awkwardly.
“Huh?” I asked, confused. I sniffed again. I felt really dizzy.
“Where is home?” Zak asked and I gave him a look. “Like halls, or your house in Dalmellington, or –“
“Both?” I said, questioning my own answer since I still didn’t understand the point of the question. My eyelids began to feel heavy pretty quickly. I hate this. I hate being like this. Yes, the pain medication was making the pain fade a little but it made me extremely sleepy.
“Move in with me.” He said, no hesitation at all. My eyes instantly opened again. Was he serious?!
“What?!” I asked in disbelief. Why now?!
“I miss you being there” He said. “You practically lived with me before anyway. Lorna, for the last week I’ve been terrified that we weren’t gonna -” He stopped and shook his head before looking me straight in the eyes. I didn’t know what to think.
“Haven’t you heard enough of me snoring in here?!” I laughed, trying to change the subject. I don’t know why but this was scaring me. I was now more confused than ever.
“That’s not the same.” He said. We were silent seconds which felt like minutes. “Life’s too short.” He frowned. He stayed silent for a few minutes thinking of more things to convince me. My reaction obviously hadn’t been as enthusiastic as he’d wanted it to be but I was scared. We were just about to start trying to get back to normal. Yes, I do want to live with Zak, some day. But this is too fast. “You would’ve moved in anyway, for the baby, why can’t we still do that?” He smiled and squeezed my hand. I couldn’t help but smile back. My head was spinning with the stress of everything right now, never mind this ...

--
She lay there in my arms, all wrapped up in a soft pink blanket. Eyes glistening as she watched me, her small lips curving into a tiny smile. I could just sit and watch her all day. I was proud of every little movement she made. The pain that I was in, forgotten, because now she was here in my arms forever.
“My baby” I whispered as I watched her knowing I could never love anyone as much as I loved her.
“OUR baby!” Zak corrected, smiling his usual cheeky grin at me. His hand moved passed my face and began to stroke her softly on the cheek. She made a cute little noise as she looked at him. My head turned round slowly to face Zak and my happiness grew even more because I could see in his face that he felt exactly the same way as I did. She was our baby, part of me and part of Zak. Her eyes were the exact colour of Zak’s, I love that about her. I love everything about her. Everyone says nothings perfect, but she is. My baby is.
And then suddenly, without me even knowing how it happened Kyle was stood there in front of me. His hair was greasy, his eyes were all bloodshot. And just by looking at the way he was stood I could tell there was no chance he was sober. And there she was, my child, in his arms. It was then when he looked me straight in the eyes and began to laugh.
And in a blink, they were gone. She was gone. He’d taken her, away from me, away from us.
I felt a hand touch mine and i jerked awake and it was then the tears began. My eyes didn’t focus on the room, or to see whether anyone was here to visit or to work out if it was night or day. Anything. I didn’t care. I had let Kyle take that away from me. I didn’t try and stop him. I let him take her.
“Lorna, What’s wrong?” I heard Adrian at my side. He grabbed hold of my left hand as the other was rubbing my eyes.
“Stupid pills are giving me nightmares” I said, rubbing my eyes.
“Getting exterminated by dalek’s then?” Alyson laughed. I closed my eyes for seconds and drew in a breath in an attempt to control the tears that were spilling from my eyes.
“I wish” I stuttered.
“What happened?” Alyson asked, her tone instantly more gentle, she moved her hand towards my face and flicked my hair out of the way of my eye and then took a seat on the side of my bed and watched me intently waiting on my answer. I couldn’t bring myself to tell them. I was scared of seeming completely stupid or just making every one completely awkward.
“I was in the hospital and I’d just had the baby and then I let Kyle take her” I was sobbing as I spoke. “I let him take her away” I said. I could barely breathe as I sobbed. “Just like I’ve done in real life”
“Lorna!” Adrian frowned climbing up off of his chair and sitting on the opposite side of my bed and picking up my hand. “You can’t keep blaming yourself!”
“But I do!” I sniffed. “I’m always going to.” I gulped. “It’s true though. I can’t keep blaming Kyle. It’s my own fault!”
“How can you say that?!” Adrian said.
“Because it’s true!” I cried, tears still pouring down my face. “Nothing you can say – either of you – will change that. I could be really happy right now, if it wasn’t for my own mistakes” I lay my head back down and sobbed.
“What’s this about moving in with Zak??” Alyson asked with a cheeky smirk. She was clearly trying to change the subject. “Not taking Claire’s advice” I looked up at her in confusion. How did she know?! “The whole, don’t move in till you’re married you’ll get less wedding presents thing!”
“Moving a bit fast there don’t you think?” Adrian smiled. “Although I actually do like Zak!!”
“Stop” I stated. “How do you know?” I asked.
“You don’t sound too happy about it!” Alyson said with a generally concerned look on her face.
“I don’t want to hurt him” I sighed. “It’s too soon. Aly before I came into hospital, he still hated me”
“Lorna, I seriously doubt that he has EVER hated you” Adrian said.
“We weren’t speaking before I came in here. All we did anytime we saw each other was fight. And I’m scared. Yes I do want to want us to be together again but it’s too fast!!” I said. “I love him more than –“ I paused. “more than I love my ipod, Michael Buble, Russell Howard and One Tree Hill put together!” I sort of laughed at myself as I said it. “And I am soo happy he is willing to give us another try. I don’t want to tell him that I don’t want to move in with him. That would be a lie though because I do! Just not yet!” I sighed. I looked at Adrian and Alyson. I felt like for once they actually understood what I was trying to say. “I don’t want to lose him, ever again.”
Silence seemed to pass the time after those words left my mouth until eventually I cried myself to sleep, again.

---

“I really don’t give a shit what you have to say” Zak said sternly, waking me up from my sleep. I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was really pissed off. “Just leave!”
“But –“ Although he only managed to say one syllable I could tell that it was Kris there with him. I couldn’t bring myself to open my eyes, thanks to fear, anger and guilt that were all bubbling up inside of me.
“Kris Mate” Zak started. “in fact not even mate! Just fuck off!”
“Ple”
“Kris, No one wants you here!” He snapped. “By here I don’t even mean in this room. I mean in Hollyoaks. What the hell happened to you?!” Zak said angrily. “You were my best mate and you slept with her!” Zak said in disbelief.
“I’m S-“
“Sorry?!” Zak snapped before he’d even had a chance to finish. “Sorry! Do you really think that Sorry is gonna make up for all the shit that she’s had to go through!”
“Zak, I get why you’re so angry but all of this isn’t my fault!”
“You started it!” He snapped. “Lorna’s right. When she slept with you, that’s when things started to go wrong! Kris I could-“He stopped. “She was pregnant! Kris I could’ve been a dad! Now I’m never going to get that! You fucked everything up!” He said, his voice broke as he spoke. “You’ve not even learned from your mistakes! Now you’re in bed with Gaby the second Rhys has his back turned?!” Zak stammered. “You LEFT Kris” He said, his voice louder. “And I really wish you hadn’t come back!”
“Zak” Kris managed but it was all that he could say.
“I asked her to move in with me this morning” He said. “And she said she would. Do you know how embarrassing it was this afternoon when her brother came to tell me that it had made her cry and freak out all afternoon! Because she didn’t want to hurt me again by telling me she thought it was too soon” He carried on. I don’t believe Adrian did that. I don’t believe this is happening. My head was throbbing. Everything was throbbing. I just, I just want it to end! The fighting, the pain, I want it all to be over!
“I hate you” Zak said. “I never thought I’d say to you but I really do” I heard a chair squeal as it was pushed back along the floor. Seconds later the door shut. It was then when I heard Kris sigh. I don’t know how but I could tell it was him.
“I wish you were awake right now” He said. “Zak, Gabs, They’ve both just said the exact same thing. That I should never have came back. I want you to wake up and tell me that neither of them mean it” He sighed. “Even though they do”

Gaby's POV

“You need to go away, right now.” I said for the final time to Kris. He was stood in my doorway, a determined look on his face.
“Gaby, please.”
I closed my eyes. The endless tears didn’t help this charade I was trying to put on.
“Right now I hate your guts, Kris! Go away!”
“You’re lying!” His voice sounded angry. “Please stop lying to me, Gaby. Please!”
I put my hand over my face and sighed, turning my back on Kris. I can’t handle this. What happens if Rhys finally decides he’ll talk this out, and finds Kris here? What happens if Kris tells Rhys more specific details? What happens… now?
“I know I’ve been a bitch.” I said slowly. “And I know I have no right to back track – but I want to, Kris.” I finally turned toward him. His expression was soft, almost confused. I stared at him for a long moment, trying to figure out what to say next. “This was a mistake.” I added on. He was still: silent, waiting. “Stupid thing is, I can’t kick you out of my life.”
“What do you mean?” He asked, trying to find some hidden meaning behind the words.
“Alicia needs you.” I reminded him. I closed my eyes again, and bit my lip. Why do I always have to get myself in this mess? Why is it always me?! “I guess I just wish… I wish you never came back.”
It hurt to even say the words allowed. I definitely didn’t want Kris away from me, and I definitely don’t wish he had never come back… But I can’t help thinking that everything would be so much better without him here. Life would be simpler. I squeezed my eyes tight, hoping to expel all tears before I finally opened them again. Once I did, I noticed I was alone. Kris had gone. I’d got my wish.

-

I heard a squeal down the phone.
“Is everything okay?” I asked quickly. My mum just gave a small chuckle for a laugh.
“I could ask you the same question. You sound like death.” She sounded a little smug. “Not been abusing your free time, have you? Parties every night?”
“Er, no Mum.” I said, not really sure how to reply. “I’ve just had things to do, people to see…”
“Well everything’s fine here. Alicia’s been really well behaved.” She was definitely speaking more to Alicia than me. Her voice went all childlike.
“I miss her like crazy.” I said, before giving an embarrassed giggle.
“I'll bring her back whenever you want, Gaby. Don’t forget that.” My Mum reminded me. I really wanted to say bring her back right away… But I couldn’t. Not yet.
“Friday.” I said. Zoë’s funeral was on Thursday, the 21st. I could handle 3 days without Alicia, right? Right.
“I'll see you Friday then.”
“Okay, well I'll call again later.”
“Alright darling, have a nice day.”
“Bye.”
I miss Alicia.

-

“I know it’s way too much to ask for, but I just want to talk to you. 5 minutes? Hell I'll even settle with 5 seconds. Please? Call me back.” All I’ve done today is leave messages on Rhys’s voicemail. I need to hear his voice. I need to fix everything. It’s hard to believe that just a few days ago, I was questioning myself over who I loved more; Rhys or Kris? Now that answer seems so obvious. Is it only because I lost Rhys so there’s no real drama to get Kris anymore? Is that why every yearning and pull towards Kris seems to have just dropped, like the thousands of pathetic tears that have fallen from my face? I love Rhys. I love him with all my heart and soul and life. I’ve ruined everything. It’s difficult to imagine, the actual feeling of giving everything to one single person. But that’s what I did. I gave my world to Rhys, only to ruin everything and have it all come crashing down. My peaceful, green, calm world has become a firing, blitzing hurricane! All because of one, stupid mistake.
The sound of my phone ringing made my heart stop. I froze for a moment, too scared to see the caller id; too nervous to answer the phone if it was him. I pressed the green button on the second ring.
Before I could even say hello, he spoke. “5 minutes.”
“Thank you!” I breathed a sigh of relief. The tears continued to splodge out of my eyes.
“I'll come to yours.” Rhys said, his voice stinging with pain. I gulped. I couldn’t speak. My throat had closed. Rhys waited a few seconds, but when I didn’t reply the phone went dead. He was giving me 5 minutes. He would let me explain…
Then it hit me.
He would let me explain!
What the hell am I going to say?! I don’t even know what I’m explaining. I can’t even explain it to myself!
I closed my eyes. “Please.” I whispered, “Please, if there is a God out there… Please help me. I need you. Please.”
And so the non-religious girl resorts to the Lord.

-

The 3 thuds on my front door made my heart jump to my throat, but it didn’t slow me down. I had the door open so fast that Rhys’s hand was still clenched into a fist in mid air. He walked in silently, not looking at me once. I closed the door and ignored the painful lump in my throat, and my stinging tears. I faced him. He wasn’t looking at me. He was staring at the floor. I stayed quiet. I didn’t have a clue what to say. He should start…
Nobody spoke.
“I’m not staying forever.” Rhys finally said, looking into my eyes for the first time. The moment our eyes met, a flash shot through me and the pain I felt before doubled – no, tripled.
“I know.” I stammered. I took a deep breath, trying to slow my heart rate. I hate this.
“Gaby-” He started, but the sound of my own name made everything work.
“I’m sorry.” I said quickly. “I don’t know why I did it. I don’t know why it happened. I’d use the excuse I was drunk – which I was – but I don’t think it’s good enough. I thought I still loved Kris, but then you left and I realise I don’t. I don’t love him anywhere near as much as I love you. Rhys, I can’t lose you.” I mashed my lips together into a hard line, to stop myself from screaming. That’s all I want to do right now. Scream in pain. The silence jut made everything worse. I needed him to speak. I took a step towards him, and he reacted by taking a step back. I halted, swaying from side to side for a moment, before dropping back again. We were further apart than we’d started.
“I still don’t understand.” Rhys finally said, through gritted teeth.
“Will you give me time to explain?” I whispered, trying to blink the tears away. He just nodded. I motioned to sitting at the table, before pulling out a chair and sitting myself. He followed my lead.
“I still had feelings for Kris.” I said, and as soon as I did Rhys started to push his chair back. “had!” I said quickly, sticking my hand out to try and stop him, before realising that was a pointless move and letting it rest on the table. “Please, let me talk.” I begged, letting a couple of tears leak from my eyes.
“Do I want to hear it?” He asked me, his voice bitter.
“Probably not, no.” I answered, closing my eyes.
“I should have known.” Rhys said quietly. My eyes snapped open. He was sat back at the table, facing me.
“Known what?”
“You still love him.” He answered, and I saw the pain it caused him to say it. I just want to die, right here, right now.
“No.” I whispered. “No, you shouldn’t have known. How could you, when I didn’t?” I asked, my hand moving towards his – then I realised that was a bad idea and pulled it back.
“It’s always him though. It will always be him. You have a kid together. I should just let you go and have a happy life with him.” Rhys turned his head away from me in pain. I winced at the thought of him leaving me. It was too much. I can’t handle that.
“Don’t.” It was all I could manage to say.
“I can’t.” He answered, a sour look on his face. His eyes flashed towards mine. I stared at him for a moment. “You have no idea how much I want to kill him right now.”
“Rhys-” I couldn’t help but gasp at the thought.
“I won’t. I wouldn’t do that to Alicia.” He looked at his hands, twisted together on the table. Why did it shock me so much that he cared about Alicia? I couldn’t even speak. I didn’t know what to say…
“Tell me what happened.” Rhys demanded. He was acting very… mature. Why wasn’t he yelling at me? Leaving me? “I won’t like it, but I want to know.”
I paused. How could I tell him what happened? That everything was my idea? That he interrupted us?
“I was upset after everything that happened… Lorna, Zoë; it was worse now that I didn’t have Alicia. So I asked Kris if he’d go out. He was the only one there. I’d have asked Elliot if he was the only one with me.” I stopped, waiting for his expression to change. But it stayed the same – hurt, but waiting. “We went out, had a laugh, got drunk… I hadn’t drank anything in almost a year, so I was a bit of a light weight.” Still no change in his expression. “I don’t really remember much. I just know we – we came back here and…” I stopped. I couldn’t continue. It was too difficult.
“When you woke up?” Rhys pressed on for more. I understood now. He was thinking along the same lines as me. He’s going to ask, ’Was Kris there when I came round?’ What do I do?!
“I-” How do I tell him what happened then? I have no alcohol as an excuse. I’ve got nothing. “You don’t want to know.” I finally said.
“I’m asking, aren’t I?”
“You don’t know what I’m going to say.” I said, as more traitor tears dripped from my eyes. I sniffed and waited for him to speak.
“You’re making it worse.”
“Fine. Fine!” I’ve lost him. “When I woke up, I was happy!”
I put my head in my hands and just cried. I’d done it now. It was over. Everything was over…
“Do you realise that I have been waiting for you to be ready?” He said each word slowly. I wiped my eyes and looked at him, confused by what he was saying.
“I have waited for you to be comfortable with yourself again. I’ve waited for… for you.” He closed his eyes tight, clearly trying to block out some kind of mental pain. “And then you go and shag Kris.”
“Waited for me?” I whispered, ignoring the last part.
“We haven’t had sex since you were 5 months pregnant.” He reminded me. I gaped at him for a moment, thinking about what he’d just said. Had it been that long? Have we really lasted without sex for 7 months? “I’ve been waiting for you to be ready…” He stood up. I stared at him. “I guess that was a stupid mistake.” He started walking to the door. I jumped up and stood in front of him.
“No! No, please. I’m ready now. Have me now.” I stupidly started undoing the buttons of my shirt. He put a hand out and stopped me. The touch was like electricity.
“It’s too late.” He said quietly. I was silent as the words settled in. It was too late. Way too late. I’d hurt him so much more than I’d ever thought. He’s been through so much for me. He’s sacrificed so much for me. And I repay him by sleeping with Kris. It was definitely too late. And I deserve to suffer. I deserve to die. He walked quickly towards the door, but stopped when he got to me.
“Please don’t do anything stupid.” He begged, before kissing me on the head and leaving. He had tears in his eyes. I’d hurt him so much…
Once I heard the door close, my body reacted. I stood up and walked to the kitchen, not realising what I was even doing. I didn’t even feel the pain as the knife sliced across my skin.

-

The room was spinning. I was finding it too difficult to focus on anything. I could feel sticky moisture on my arms and legs, but it didn’t bother me. I was too far deep. Hidden in my own thoughts – my own pain. There was no sound but the gentle rush of blood inside my own head. I’d say this is what dying feels like, except I know I’m not that lucky. I definitely didn’t cut myself enough to die. Just enough to bleed. Enough to numb as much as I could. It didn’t work as well as it once did. I used to just pinch myself, and everything would be momentarily free… Not anymore. I can’t feel the pain of the cuts, because the pain inside my heart is much worse. If that pain just stopped… Just for a moment.
I’m not that lucky. I don’t deserve to be that lucky. I need to suffer. It’s the right thing to do. Suffer and be redeemed, right? The suffering isn’t making me feel any better about what I did…
“Gaby!”
Until I’d heard that shout, I hadn’t realised my eyes had closed. Now all my senses seemed to kick in. The yell made my head pound. I could suddenly feel just how deep and painful my cuts were. Had I really gone that far? I could feel blood oozing out. It wasn’t light, like they usually were. It was a heavy flow. I felt so faint. Oh god, what have I done?! Am I going to die? Have I got my wish? I hope so…
No I don’t. Alicia flashed to the front of my mind. No. I cannot leave her. I cannot do this to her. I opened my eyes and gasped. The pain was worse than I thought. It was agonising.
“Zak.” I barely whispered. Tears were streaming out of my eyes. I pulled my hands closer to my chest, trying to stop the hurt. Zak was staring at me, wide eyed. He looked so… frightened.
“Oh God, oh shit!” He ran towards me and skidded to my side, tugging my arms away from my chest. I didn’t realise until now that I was actually slouched on the floor in my underwear… Huh, when did I take my clothes off? Poor Zak. I noticed he was no longer at my side anymore. I heard him in the other room, and then when he returned he had multiple wet towels wrapped over his arm. He kneeled beside me again and pulled my arm out towards him. I winced in pain, and tried to sit myself up more.
“Stay still.” He ordered me, looking at the cuts. “Jeez, Gaby, what the hell have you done?”
I couldn’t help but cry. “Help me, Zak.” I begged, wincing again as he started to wipe a cut clean.
“I need to call an ambulance.” He said, standing up and looking around.
“No!” My voice came out louder than I thought I could manage. “I’m fine.”
“Look around!!” He screamed at me. “You’ve lost too much blood.”
“I can handle it.” I said, although I don’t think I meant it. There were black dots everywhere I looked. I was definitely close to fainting. “You have to stop wiping the blood.” I said quickly, as he started on another cut. “Stop! Or it wont clot.” I tried to sit myself up again, and this time he helped me.
“Oh God.” He was looking further down my body. Had I cut myself somewhere else? I couldn’t remember. “Gaby, I have to call an ambulance.”
“No, Zak… I’ve had worse.” I said, but I don’t think I meant it. I don’t even know how bad this is. Did he have to walk in? Maybe it’s better he did.
“If you die…” He started, but I just took a deep breath and shook my head.
“Look, it will stop soon. I promise.” Was I saying that to make him feel better, or me? I just feel so tired. “Can you get the bandages out the cupboard?” I raised my hand limply to point at the cupboard next to the fridge. As I did, I saw the long deep gash stretching from my wrist to up past my elbow. He did as I asked, and then I don’t remember what happened.

-

“I need to get back to the hospital, but you will stay with her – right?” I heard Zak speaking close by.
“Yeah, of course.” I was shocked to hear Luke’s voice answer.
“Call me if she hasn’t woken up in an hour… I should’ve phoned an ambulance.” Zak sounded very guilty.
“Nah, mate, look you said the bleeding’s stopped? I’m sure she’s fine. She’s just recovering.” Luke reassured Zak. There was a silence.
“I'll see you later.” Zak finally said and I heard my front door close. I could tell I was in my bedroom. I felt the bed sink on my left side as Luke clearly lay on it. His hand brushed the top of my head, and then along my arm, before I heard it drop onto the bed. My eyes felt too heavy to open, but I had to let him know I was okay. I didn’t want to go to hospital. I didn’t want anyone knowing what had happened… Lorna will know in about 5 minutes, and anyone else who’s at the hospital with her. I feel so pathetic right now.
My eyes flicked open. It took me a moment to understand my surroundings. I thought I was closer to the edge of the bed than that… I turned my head slightly and saw Luke sat there, giving me a relieved smile.
“You have a really great way of giving everyone a heart attack.” He commented, as I blinked many times to try and make my eyes focus.
“How long was I out?” I asked, not really wanting to know the answer.
“A week.” He said sarcastically. I glared at him. “About 20 minutes, if that.”
Was that all? Okay then…
It only just hit me then that Luke didn’t know anything about my… issues. He seemed to notice the panic in my eyes and put his hand over mine. It hurt. I clearly had a cut under the bandage.
“Is everything okay?” He was very serious now. I shook my head, tears building up in my eyes again. “Want to talk?” He asked, seeming oddly awkward. Did I want to talk about it? No – but maybe that’s a better thing to do than cut myself…
I nodded, trying to sit myself up. My arms stung, but I ignored it and got myself into a sitting position. Of course Zak hadn’t dressed me… I pulled the duvet up with me.
“Everything’s gone wrong.” I mumbled, bowing my head. Was this pitying myself? What a selfish thing to do.
“Zak wouldn’t really explain anything-” Luke said, touching one of my bandages. “He just said you used to do this… a lot.”
I nodded again. “I have a bit of a problem.” I muttered, “If things are too hard, I feel that pain seems to make it better… This time it didn’t work.”
“What happened?” He asked, as the tears came thicker and faster.
“I slept with Kris.” I said, closing my eyes. Luke didn’t speak. After a few moments I had to look at him. His mouth was slightly open. He was shocked.
“I didn’t think you’d be the type to cheat.” He said slowly. It felt like he’d stabbed me. I’m sure he hadn’t meant it to sound rude, but it felt like he was being the same Luke he was all those months ago…
“I don’t know why I did it, but I did. And I’ve lost Rhys. I need him, Luke.” I said, tears exploding out of my eyes now. Luke pulled me into a hug. I guess he didn’t know what else to do.
“Nothing is worth hurting yourself over.” Luke said, as I pulled out away from him. He kept hold of one hand and I finally looked to see the extent of damage I had caused. There was a bandage stretching all up my left arm. My right arm had a huge chunk of my plaster roll stuck on the bottom half. I glanced at my stomach and saw multiple plasters stuck in all kinds of places – hips, stomach, chest… My thighs were almost covered too. What the hell had I done?
“Oh god.” I could see blood seeping through the bandages, and some of the plasters. Luke was giving me a look. It was a mix between worry and hesitation.
“I should call Zak.”
“Why?” I asked quickly, frowning at the thought. If he’s calling Zak, he thinks something’s wrong, and I am not going to hospital!
“He said to ring when you were awake.” Luke said, getting his phone out and calling him. The phone call lasted about 30 seconds. There was no mention of my cuts. I guess that’s good.
“I want to sort myself out.” I said, moving to get up. It looked like Luke was going to refuse for a moment, but then he settled back. I moved to my drawers and pulled out some clothes – any that would cover me up. Then I went into the bathroom to change. I didn’t look at myself once as I dressed. I only glanced at myself quickly once I was done, so I could wash away any dry blood. My black jumper-dress covered up all cuts on my top half, and my leggings covered everything on my bottom half. I looked pretty much normal – apart from the lack of make-up.
“Are you planning on going somewhere?” Luke asked as I walked out of the bathroom. I nodded and sat at my make-up table.
“I’m going to the hospital.” I said, but then I realised how it sounded. “To see Lorna.” I tagged on. He just nodded.
“Should I tell Zak?”
“I don’t need to be watched.” I said, putting mascara on.
“Clearly you do.” Luke said it calmly, but it still sounded like an argument.
“That was a blip. Please? I just need the small amount of space I'll get from driving to the hospital.” I turned to face him now. He seemed nervous.
“Okay, but if you do anything Zak will kill me, I hope you understand.”
I smiled, “I understand.”

-

I walked into Lorna’s room expecting to see a room full of people all bitching about what I’ve done… But instead the only person I saw was Lorna. Okay, she wasn’t too hard to deal with. I’ve been in this mess before, and she was there. Lorna I could handle. I didn’t speak as I walked in.
“Gaby!” Lorna gasped as soon as she saw me. “Are you okay?!”
So the questions begin. I just smiled and sat down, wincing slightly as I did. I could feel moisture on my stomach. I was bleeding through all the plasters.
“I’m fine.” I said, sounding a bit bitter.
“Are you sure?” She gave me a look. I wanted to snap at her, but the sight of her in a hospital bed made it impossible.
“Yes, I’m –”
“-Because when you guys all left you seemed pretty down.” Lorna cut in. I stopped in my tracks, staring at her with my mouth slightly open. I didn’t expect her to say that. She was being so normal… And a lot calmer than I expected.
“What?” I finally asked; it came out as a gasp.
“What did Rhys say?” Lorna asked, mashing her lips into a line. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
“I…” My voice cut out. Although I was so confused right now, the sound of Rhys’s name caused a mental block.
“You don’t want to talk about it.” Lorna caught on. I shook my head.
“Where’s Zak?” I asked. I was sure he’d be here. Hadn’t I heard him say he was going to the hospital? Had someone else been hurt?!
“He’s gone for a coffee.” Lorna sounded a bit glum. I immediately felt relief. “He said he’d come to see you…”
He had told her, I knew it.
“Oh, er..” I didn’t know how to continue. I needed to know what she knew first.
“He said you were really upset.” Lorna continued. “I’m sorry I can’t do a movie night, Gabs.”
Again, she took me by surprise. “Oh, gosh, Lorna. It’s fine.” I said, laughing very slightly.
“I know it’s too much to ask, but I really need your advice.” She said, looking guilty. Why should she look guilty? I nodded, urging her to continue. “Zak asked me to move in with him…”
I gaped. “What?!”
“That’s what I thought. I mean, I’m over the moon but… I can’t help thinking that if I wasn’t in here none of this would be happening. Me and Zak would still be ignoring each other and he’d be dating Michaela.” She sounded like she was close to tears. I took a deep breath, ready to tell her what I thought she was do.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” I mumbled, realising how much of a bitch I suddenly sounded. Zak just helped me out big time, and I’m repaying him by convincing the love of his life not to move in with him. Is it just because I’m so jealous of their happiness or because I really don’t think it’s a good idea? I have no idea…
“No. You’re right.” Lorna seemed sad by this news.
“I mean, you should still go out.” I quickly said. “But I agree with you. He wasn’t being the nicest of guys before you came in here, and if it takes this to change him – I just don’t think that’s a good thing.” I told her, looking at the floor. “But it’s your choice.”
“No, Gaby, your opinion means a lot to me.” She said, smiling at me; but she didn’t look happy. Not at all. Great! Here I am crushing everyone’s spirits. Bitchy bitchy me!
“Lorna, if you want to move in with him – do it. Life’s too short to-” But I stopped speaking, because at that moment Zak walked in… Followed by Rhys.
I glanced at both of them for a moment, before turning and looking back at Lorna. Everything hurt again. My mind was blocked.
“Gaby…” Zak sounded confused, shocked and worried. I put on a smile and turned to him.
“Hey Zak.” I tried to psychically say that I was perfectly fine, but I don’t think it worked. He was still giving me a worried look. I saw Rhys catch on. He was looking at Zak’s face, and every second he did his eyes grew more and more worried. I acted quickly.
“Lorna, I'll see you later.” I said, standing up and heading for the door. I shoved past Zak and Rhys, but before I could make the door someone grabbed my arm. I gasped in pain and wheeled round. “Ow!” I tried pulling my hand out of Rhys’s arm, but he kept a hard grip on it. My whole arm was now stinging. I stopped struggling. “Please, Rhys, let go.” I begged, staring into his eyes. He loosened his grip. I could tell by the look on his face that I’d given everything away. “Please?” I begged again. My eyes were filling with moisture now. Rhys released his grip and I rushed out of the room. He was at my heels though. I got a few steps down the corridor when he stepped ahead of me and forced me to stop.

“What have you done?” He hissed so passers by couldn’t hear.
“Not here, Rhys. Please…” I closed my eyes as people passed. I didn’t want to have to deal with this now. Rhys took hold of my hand and my eyes instantly popped open – but it wasn’t a rough movement. He was tugging me towards a room. Lucky for us, it was empty. I think this was the visitors waiting area. There were a couple of chairs, some magazines and a dusty old tv. Definitely a hospital waiting room.
“What have you done?” He repeated, dropping my hand and holding my waist instead. I guess he thought that would be a safe place to hold me and keep me there, as he clearly knew I’d cut my arms – but then I winced. He groaned. “Do you know how much pressure I’m under?!” He was close to shouting. “I do anything to upset you and you do something like this? Do you know how hard that is for me?!” He was waiting for me to reply, but I kept my mouth shut. My throat was burning. I wanted to cry so bad.
“I’m the one upset, this time, Gaby. I’m the one who’s just been crushed – Not you!” He was shouting now. “Stop trying to get attention!”
I closed my eyes at that point, and the tears took over. I tried to control it, but every time I took a breath more and more erupted. It was a good minute before I could handle it.
“The last thing I want is attention, Rhys. I’d have thought you of all people would know that.” I said it so quietly that there was no effect to the words. Rhys’ breathing slowed, and he nodded.
“I do know.” He finally said, and my eyes closed again. “But you have no idea how much it hurts me when you do this.”
“I’m so sorry.” I said, opening my eyes but staring at the floor. Rhys moved his hands from my waist. I heard him gasp and my eyes automatically darted to his. He didn’t speak, he just moved his hand to my top and started pulling is up.
“Oh…” He didn’t say anymore. He pulled my top back down. “You need to see a doctor.” He said, not looking in my eyes. I frowned.
“No, I don’t.” My voice sounded so strong, I thought he wouldn’t disagree with me… But I’m always wrong.
“They’re really deep. And they haven’t stopped bleeding… How much blood have you lost?” He said it with such pain that I couldn’t answer right away. How much blood had I lost? I know that when I went to clean the kitchen there was a lot to mop up… but there are gallons of blood in your body. And sure, I was feeling faint earlier, but I’m okay now.
“I don’t know. But I’m honestly fine. They’ll stop soon.” I don’t know if I was convincing myself or Rhys.
“I’m taking you to a doctor.” His mind was set.
“No! No Rhys, you actually can’t.” I said, quickly. “Think about it, you take me in there – I'll have to explain how I got these cuts. They’ll put me in a mental home. Alicia will be taken from me!” I screamed the last part, tears forming in my eyes again. He put a hand on my shoulder to try and calm me down.
“Calm down, Gaby.”
I steadied my breathing.
“You almost certainly need stitches in these…” He said, clearly trying not to scare me. “But my Mum’s just about to finish work – she might be able to do it without having to consult anybody.” He didn’t seem happy about having to ask his Mum for this kind of favour, but he didn’t say anything either.
“I'll have to tell her…” I said, closing my eyes. Rhys just nodded.
“I’ll explain.” He promised. I looked at him for a moment.
“Why would you do that?” I finally asked. The question was dying to come out. He didn’t reply. He just took my hand and led me out of the room.

-

“I shouldn’t really be doing this.” Suzanne said, pulling a tray towards where she sat, just in front of me. Rhys had left as soon as his Mum had finally agreed to treat me.
“You don’t need to.” I said, trying to get out of having stitches. I swear I don’t need them. I’ve had worse and they healed fine.
“Well someone does!” Suzanne protested. “Seriously, Gaby, these cuts are very deep.” Her lips formed a hard line. I was hoping she wouldn’t now give me a lecture about everything, and how I need help, and how she should consult somebody… “You need stitches.” She said, chewing on her lip. I gave her a confused look. “You’re not supposed to do stitches unofficially – I could lose my job. If you just let me get a doctor…”
“No.” I said quickly. “Suzanne, I know you would probably think that telling somebody would be the best thing to do, and I’d get help etc. But you don’t understand. They would take my daughter away from me. I don’t need that. When she’s around everything makes sense. I hadn’t hurt myself once since she was born. It only happened now because she wasn’t there! But social services are not going to believe that…”
She chewed on her lip, before standing up and locking the door.
“You could have lost too much blood.” She mumbled, still not fully on board with this.
“I’ve had worse and survived.”
“If anything happens to you Gaby – I'll lose my job: My nursing licence…”
“Put yourself in my shoes Suzanne. I think losing a child is worse than a job.” I said bitterly. I was having enough of this. Either she did it or she didn’t! but she definitely was not telling anyone about what I’ve done.
Finally, she opened a packet and pulled out a moist cloth.
“This will sting.” She said, beginning to disinfect my skin. It did sting, but I couldn’t care less right now. I’d definitely experienced more pain.

-

“Gabs, you in here?” Zak’s voice sounded from my front door. I walked out of my room, confused.
“No, I just left the door unlocked whilst I went to China.” I said sarcastically. “You know, you can knock.”
“Yeah, well I wasn’t sure if you’d be alive enough to answer the door.” He said, frowning.
“Wow, sorry for not dying.”
Zak’s jaw hardened.
“I can’t even make a joke.” I muttered to myself, annoyed. “What’re you doing here?”
“I came to check you were okay.” He said, sounding very innocent. I sighed.
“I am really sorry for earlier, Zak. But honestly, it won’t happen again.”
“I’m not convinced.” He replied, tilting his head to the side.
“Sorry about that.” I said, turning away. I tried to busy myself by taking some plates out to the kitchen.
“I haven’t told anybody.” Zak said, following me through. “Rhys just guessed. He knows you too well. Lorna didn’t even think about it.”
“You told Luke.”
“Someone had to stay with you. He was the only one whose number I had.”
“Right.” I laughed. “You can go now, I want to go to bed.” I lied. I want to be alone, cuddled up on the sofa with a blanket watching the 4th season of Friends.
“Rhys told me to come.” Zak finally said. I stared at him. Was that supposed to make me feel better? Telling me that the one person I want with me, didn’t want to come himself? I felt sick.
“That’s nice.” I started scrubbing the plates hard. So Rhys doesn’t care enough to check on me himself. Clearly his act of kindness earlier was just guilt.
“You’ll break it.” Zak commented, smiling at how hard I was cleaning the same plate.
“Oh well.” I said, dropping it into the soapy water. Bubbles slopped onto my top but I didn’t care. I picked up a cloth and started drying my hands. The one cut on my palm started to sting. “Zak, please can you leave?” I was begging now.
“Why don’t you go stay at halls tonight?” He suggested, “Lorna’s room’s free.”
“Hey! What a great idea! Stick me in the same building as Rhys and Kris. We’ll have a little sleepover and make cakes!” I shouted, slamming the cloth on the side. “Please - leave!”
“You clearly don’t understand how worrying you are.” Zak mumbled. His face was set, he wasn’t leaving. I walked out of the room and went into the wardrobe in my room. I took down the blanket on the top shelf, grabbed a pillow from my bed and threw them at Zak in the doorway.
“If you’re staying then you may as well be comfortable.” I said, as he started retreating from the room. I didn’t follow him out, instead I just closed the door on him. I hate being watched. I understand why they’re doing it, but I feel like I’m being spied on. I know myself that I’m not going to be doing that again anytime soon. I just wish everyone else would believe me.

Lorna's POV

“Err, Cheryl Cole, Katy Perry or” I paused to think about it. “Megan Fox?” My 9th day of boredom had resulted in me playing Marry, Shag or Chuck off a cliff with my brother and sister. Claire had eventually gone back to Uni after 3 hours of me convincing her she eventually left last night after promising she’d be here if I needed her and that she will come back down with Neil some point over the weekend. I hate that I won’t be out of here by then. I know I’m not fit enough to. I mean it would be a struggle for me to walk to the end of the corridor right now but I’m sick of it. It’s Zoe’s funeral on Thursday and I want to be there and it’s impossible for me to be.
“That’s hard!” Adrian said breaking me from my chain of thought. “Can I marry Katy Perry and then have a threesome with the other 2?!” He said almost excitedly.
“Ew.” Aly said as she turned and gave him a look. They were sat on the chairs beside the bed – one at either side.
“What age are you?!” I asked sarcastically.
“27” He smiled.
“You’re old!” Me and Aly chorused at the same time.
“Thanks” He laughed.
“Do you have a girlfriend?” I asked.
“Random.” Adrian stated.
“Well Mum and dad were married and had you at your age!” I said.
“That scares me!” Adrian said. “What scares me more is that Lewis’ getting married in a month!”
“Lewis?!” I said excitedly. Lewis was like Adrian’s Claire. I’d known him my whole life. I actually really used to think he was my brother as well. They were inseparable. “He went down south with you didn’t he?”
Adrian nodded. I don’t believe I didn’t connect the dots at the time.
“What does he do now?” I asked. I used to fancy Lewis so much when I was like 10. I actually think he might have been the first person – that wasn’t famous – that I really liked.
“He’s a manager in a big company with a complicated name” He said. “travels a lot for meetings and things! Just like you wanna do!”
My face fell. I forgot all about that. I was gonna go and get a business degree and then go work for some big company and have a blackberry, an iPhone and a company car.
“What’s wrong?”
“My degrees gonna be in childcare” I sighed.
“Oh” He said. “When did you change your mind?”
“I didn’t” I said. “I wasn’t going to stay in Hollyoaks. It’s alright though” I smiled. I instantly felt guilty. It’s not Aly’s fault and yet the look on her face let me know that she thought it was.
“Right! So what’s Lewis’s future wife like?” I asked excitedly. “I am gutted I’m not invited to the wedding!”
“If we had been talking he would’ve invited you-” Adrian said awkwardly.
“I’m going” Aly piped up and stuck her tongue out at me. I laughed.
“I’ll be lucky if I’m out of here in a month!” I sighed. “I’m sick of being like this”
“You’ll be out of here soon enough” Adrian said. “Give it a week. You’re looking better every time we’re in!”
I just laughed. I know I’m still all bruised, and cut and scratched. I can feel it.
“They should let you get out of bed soon enough.”
“I hope so” I laughed.
“Speak to the doctor about it next time he’s in” Adrian said.
“I wanna put clothes on!” I laughed.
Aly laughed. “That’s a first!”
And then slowly we went back to the game and time dragged in again.

----

Adrian and Alyson left at about 2 o’clock winding me up about how they were off for a KFC. And I’m stuck with Hospital food. Although I discovered yesterday it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.
“GUESS WHAT CAME OUT TODAY????” Natalie asked as she burst into the room making me jump.
“What?” I said mimicking her excited tone.
“Russell Howard’s new dvd!” She said. “Zak said you’re laptops here. So we are going to watch it!”
“Can you text Gaby and get her to come in too! Alicia’s not there, her lectures should be finished soon. It’d be like a DVD Day! With Russell!”
“No” Natalie answered bluntly.
“Natalie” I whined. I hate this!! They’re both my friends and yet I’ve not spent time with them together in months.
“Not after the attention seeking stint yesterday!” She said. “Rhys was devastated!” She said, staring blankly across the room. “She’s torturing him”
“What?” I asked. What the hell happened yesterday?!
“Lorna, Zak will have told you. You don’t need to act clueless! Rhys trusts me. He told me what happened”
“Natalie, I honestly don’t know have a clue what the hell you’re on about?!”
She stopped and sat up straight and looked at me.
“Zak obviously doesn’t want you knowing when you’re in here” Natalie said, her tone completely changed. She bent down picking up my laptop from the bedside table and opened it up.
“Natalie you’re worrying me!” I said.
“Never mind!” She said. “Move over” I moved further over in the bed so that Natalie could take a seat beside me.
“Natalie t-”
“JUST WATCH” She said as the start menu came up on the tv and I did as I was told.

----

“Hey” Adrian said as my eyes flickered open.
“Good Morning” I said sleepily as I stretched.
“Morning?” He laughed.
I sighed. “I’m in the hospital! There isn’t much else to do except sleep!” I smiled cheekily. “What time is it?”
“About 20 past 4” He smiled. I pushed myself up in the bed so that I was sitting up properly. I turned to face him and saw a bag sitting on the floor.
“What’s the bag for?” I asked, already knowing the answer to my question. He’s going home.
“I’m getting the train back to London at 6” He said. “I’m Sorry Sis but I’ve ran out all of my holidays now. I’m gonna be working in the hospital on Christmas Eve and New Years day” he laughed
“Oh” I sighed. “I’m really sorry! You didn’t have to stay”
“I did!” Adrian said. “But don’t worry, I’m not disappearing again.”
“You better not be!” I sighed. “I’m getting used to you being about again!”
“Same to you” He laughed. “Once you’re better you can come down and see the flat and Lewis and we’ll take you to go see Wicked, again!”
“Promise?”
“Hell Yeah” He laughed. “I’ll phone you”
I smiled. I don’t know why I was so happy. He’s my brother but the fact that he was making plans was a good sign that this time he’ll actually stay in touch.
“Aren’t you forgetting you don’t have a phone?” He smirked.
My jaw dropped. I completely forgot about my phone. I forgot about my phone!! “Are you hinting that you got me a new phone?” I asked quite cheekily.
“Maybe” He said, sticking his hand into his pocket and handing me over a blackberry.
“I love you!” I laughed, taking it from him. “Thank you!”
“No problem” He said. “I owe you like what, 4 birthday presents anyway”
“And Christmas!” I smirked.
“Yeah, well” He laughed. “I need to go. I’m gonna stop by at halls and say bye to people. Not that I’ve spoken to any of them much since they’ve got their own drama’s going on but it’s polite to say bye” He smiled.
“Love you” I laughed, sticking my arms out. He stood up and gave me a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek.
“Love you too” He said before picking up his stuff and heading towards the door. Own dramas?! Gaby popped into my head again. If it was serious someone would’ve told me, right?!

---

Late last night the nurse came and asked if I would mind if I was moved into a joint room. I couldn’t say anything but yes or else I would’ve sounded really rude. I didn’t sleep last night, at all. I can’t decide what it was that was keeping me awake. Whether it was this new room, the headache that is still killing me or the fact that I couldn’t stop panicking about what Gaby had done. As much as I kept telling myself that she doesn’t do that anymore, the frightening images of her cutting herself were etched in my brain.
“Disgusting, aren’t they?” The woman who I now shared a room with said as the nurse left the room after giving us our pills. I just nodded shyly.
“What’s your name?” She asked awkwardly. The silence was obviously making her feel awkward as well as me.
“Lorna” I smiled. “Yours?”
“Ellie” She said. The room went back to complete and utter silence again. There was a clock on the wall in this room. It ticked repetitively, driving me nuts. I was counting down the minutes until someone would come visit so I would feel slightly less awkward. Zak was on a half day today so he should be here around half 12. Only 1 hour and 27 minutes till then.
“What are you in for?” She suddenly asked, to fill the silence I guess. I was speechless. I didn’t really know what to say. I didn’t really want to say. I turned to look at her. She was quite pretty – minus the bruises and scratches.
“I take it you don’t want to talk about it” She said. I just nodded my head. If anyone else could see me now they’d be shocked at how quiet I was being. “I was in a car crash” She sighed. Getting annoyed I wasn’t talking to her.
“Ohh” I said, unsure of what else I could say.
“Thankfully, I was in the car myself” She said.
“What happened to you?” I asked, realizing that it did sound quite rude especially when I don’t know her and I’m telling her nothing.
“I hit my head pretty hard” She laughed, gesturing to the bandage round her head that was the same as mine.
“Same, I guess” I laughed slightly.
“So, What age are you?” She pressed. “The boredom in here is killing me, so I’m just going to keep asking more questions until we actually manage to keep a conversation going!!” She laughed.
“I’m, umm” I stopped before laughing at myself for having to think about it, “20”
“I’m jealous” She sighed.
“Wha-“ I started.
“I’m 30” She cut in.
“That’s not a bad age” I laughed.
“Ergghhh” She laughed. “It’s the stage where you’re definitely no longer a baby and you’re life’s practically dedicated to looking after your own”
“Aww” I smiled. “How old are they?”
“Dylan’s 4” She said as she began fishing around in her bedside table. “Evie’s 3 next week and Danny’s 6 months old” She finished as she sat back up with something – a photo, i think – in her hands. She pulled the sheets off of her legs and stood up and handed it over to me.
“Aww!” I said instantly. It was a lovely photo; Ellie, Her Husband and the three kids she had just described, massive smiles on their faces. “They’re so cute!”
“The kids are!” She smiled. “Darren, not so much though” She laughed as I stretched my arm across to give her the picture back. “You got a boyfriend?”
I nodded. “Zak” I smiled.
“So, how’s that working out?” She asked. She’s so forward!
“Good” I smiled.
“Are you seeing a future there?” She laughed. “You’re soo quiet!”
“I hope so” I smiled.
“I’m running out of questions to fill these awkward silences” She sort of sang hyperly at me.
“Do you know when you’re going to get home?” I asked.
“Hopefully, by Friday” she smiled. “You?”
“I haven’t left this bed for a week, so another week yet at least” I sighed. “How long have you been in for?”
“2 weeks now” She said. “I hate it. I feel lost without the kids!” She laughed. “I moan that they drive me mental when they’re there and now that they’re not with me all the time it’s driving me mental just the same”
I just smiled in return.
“Darren should be bringing them in soon thankfully” Ellie smiled. “I miss him as well, I suppose. Even if he is here every day without fail” She smiled. “Boyfriend – who’s name I’ve forgotten already – been in much?” She asked.
“Every day” I smiled.
“Been going out long?” She asked.
“Since Christmas Eve” I said, it’s true – if you miss out the months in the middle – “Well like the week after that” I continued.
“Ooohh, What happened on Christmas Eve?” She asked eagerly.
“Well, we lived together in halls for a few months and we were just really good friends, then on Christmas Eve we had a bit too much to drink and”
“You slept with him?!” She said.
“No, I just told him about how amazing he is and how much I loved him and completely made a twat of myself” I laughed. “The having too much to drink and sleeping with each other was what happened the week after”
She laughed. “Young Love”
“I met Darren in College as well” She said. “I didn’t live with him though. He was in the flat down the stairs”
The door to the room opened and both of our heads turned to the door instantly. A cute little blonde hair boy ran in.
“Mummy” He shouted. Ellie leant over and brought the little boy – Dylan i think – up to join her on the bed. The little boy instantly wrapped his arms round her neck and gave her a kiss. Ellie’s face lit up instantly. A smile appeared upon my face just watching them. The door burst open again and this time a man – Darren – came in pushing a buggy with a little girl in it. Ellie had a beaming smile again as Darren leant over and gave her a kiss. He then bent down and unstrapped Evie from the buggy and lifted her onto the bed as well.
“We miss you mummy” The little boy said. “We drawed you pictures” He said. Darren got up and went into the pouch up below Evie’s buggy and then handed a few bits of paper to the little boy. It was then I realised that I had been staring. I rolled over onto my side so that I was facing away from Ellie’s bed.
“Darren do me a favour and close the curtain for me” She said, “Lorna’s trying to get to sleep” The curtain dragged across preventing me from seeing what was going on behind it. However it didn’t stop my jealousy. Ellie had everything I ever wanted and could no longer have. I felt my eyes starting to well up. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry about it anymore but seeing Ellie with her kid’s and her husband made me want it even more. I used to imagine that future for me and Zak and now, because of me, it’s not possible. I pulled the bed sheets over my head and just let the tears run ...
----

Gaby's POV

I looked through my wardrobe, trying to find my black Louis Vuitton dress. Thursday was approaching faster and faster, and I was dreading every moment. I hate funerals. They’re the most horrible thing on the planet. Everyone gathering together, to say goodbye to a person you all love, is the most awful thing a person can experience. Worst of all, it’s Zoë who we all have to say goodbye to. Zoë. Perfectly happy, lively, kind, Zoë. It’s completely unfair. Life is completely unfair. It’s weird to think that when I first met Zoë, she hated my guts. She was a bitch to me…

“Well done!” Zoe said sarcastically. “Oh yeah, that’s brilliant. He now hates you even more!” She gave a really fake laugh.
“Zo...-” Kris started trying to talk to her, but she got angry.
“No, shut up Kris.” She told him. “I don’t understand how you can fall for something like... like... that!” She directed this at me. I felt sick by this. How could I have given off such a bad impression? Maybe it wasn’t an impression. Maybe I am just bad.
“Zoe, that’s un reasonable!” Kris said, standing up.
“No it’s not Kris. She comes here and starts prancing around as if it’s her home!” Zoe retorted.
“It is her home!” Kris defended me. Zak looked away from the match at them.
“Yeah, but it hasn’t been for long. She’s acting like she owns the place.” Zoe gave me a dirty look.
“Zoe, you are being a bit-” Zak started, but Zoe cut in.
“A bit what!? Huh!? Harsh? Mean? No. I’m not. She’s the mean one by called Elliot a dork and Lorna a horrible name.” She moved over to drink her tea. Zak looked at me apologetically but I don’t see why. He isn’t being horrible. She is.
“Zoe, shut up now!” Kris yelled at her.
“Kris, she has you wrapped around her little finger! Can’t you see that?” She yelled back. I looked at my little finger as a joke and made Zak laugh.
“No, Zoe I can’t. If you hadn’t already noticed, I really like her. So get lost!” Kris moved over to me and held my hand. He stroked it with his thumb for a bit, but then I pulled my hand away.
“She obviously doesn’t like you very much.” Zoe mockingly said. I felt angry at this comment. Maybe I just didn’t want to hold his hand? How can she tell him whether I like him or not?
“For your information Zoe, I happen to like Kris more than you would think. So if you don’t mind, I’d rather I decide who I like and who I don’t.” I told her, holding Kris’ hand again. This time he pulled his hand away. I looked at him confused but he gave me a strange look.
“What?” I asked. He didn’t answer; he just walked away down to his room. “Kris? Kris!?”

I pushed my red dress aside, still searching for the black one. Yes, Zoë had been a bit horrible when we first met. But everything turned out to be good. We became great friends. Actually, it’s thanks to Kris we became such good friends. After he left, she was nice to me. Everything changed.

“Gaby? Please can I come in?”
I was lying on my bed, in halls, clutching that stupid letter and cuddling Bobblesten. It had been 3 weeks since Kris left. 3 whole weeks, yet I’m still so upset. I hardly knew him, why is it killing me so much? I sat up quickly, put the letter under my pillow and Bobblesten under my covers.
“Yeah, sure.” I answered. I’d already forgotten who asked to come in. Stupid really. I suppose I’m just in one of those dazed moods. I’m still hoping that any second now Kris will come in and drag me to a club or something. It shocked me when Zoë came in.
“How are you?” She asked, tilting her head to the side as though it would help her analyse me better. Zoë’s never this caring. She hates me. Why is she bothered? Zak probably forced her to come in. Or maybe Rhys. I like Rhys. Even though it broke my heart seeing somebody else in Kris’ room, it was really nice to make a new friend. Yeah, Rhys is a lovely guy.
“Fine. Why?” I asked, my eyebrows furrowed. It sounded quite rude, but I didn’t care.
“I just wanted to know if everything’s alright. I feel like such a whore.” She admitted, looking at the floor, and then sheepishly smiling at me. I just stared at her, not replying to that. She has been a bitch to me, I can’t deny that. “I’m sorry for being a bitch the last few weeks.”
I stayed silent. I didn’t know what to say. I can’t just forgive her, but then again I can’t be bothered hating her anymore.
“I can tell you really do like Kris, and he’s actually such a twat for doing this to you. I just wanted to let you know…” Zoë continued. I bit my lip, staring at her and taking all this in.
“Thanks.” I finally said after a minute.
“For what?” She asked, looking a bit confused.
“Finally understanding.” I smiled at her. She smiled back.
“Want to go out?” She asked, looking at my clock. It was 9 o clock. I considered it. Stay here, upset, or go out happy?
“Definitely.” I finally said, jumping up to get ready.

I wiped a tear out of the corner of my eye. It’s hard to imagine I'll never have a laugh with her again. The night we went out was one of the best nights of my life. It was so funny and I really got to know Zoë. I'll never learn more about her now. I'll never even speak to her again.
I finally found the dress I was going to wear. I bought it so long ago, but never found a use for it. Well now I have my use. I pulled it out and went into the bathroom to try it on.

-

Lorna’s hospital room was empty when I got there. At first I thought I’d gone to the wrong place, but then I checked and realised I definitely hadn’t. Where was Lorna? Where were all her things? They can’t have moved her. She was so weak last time I saw her, she could hardly walk across the room. I suddenly felt a bit panicked. Was everything alright?
A nurse walked in.
“Can I help you?” She asked, smiling kindly.
“I’m looking for Lorna, Lorna Wilson?”
“Oh yes, she’s moved down the corridor to Ward F. Just ask at the desk there.” She smiled and picked up a file from the side.
“Okay, thanks.” I said, confused.
When I finally found Lorna’s room, I walked inside. I thought I’d gone to the wrong place again, as the woman in front of me was blonde and definitely older than Lorna. Then I looked to my right and saw Lorna on an opposite bed. She was asleep. The other woman wasn’t. She looked up from a magazine as I came in.
“Hi.” She said quietly, smiling.
“Hey, I’m Gaby.” I said, half waving.
“Ellie.” She replied. I couldn’t help but notice the cut going across her face. That’s going to leave an awful scar, poor woman. She is really pretty though. Brown eyes, Blonde long hair, quite slim.
“How long has she been asleep?” I asked, nodding towards Lorna.
“About half an hour. She keeps dozing on and off. I’d wake her up if I were you. She keeps saying she wants company, and if she hears she missed you…” Ellie was very chatty. It was almost annoying. She’s speaking like I know her, which I don’t. I just nodded and walked over to Lorna. She looked a bit better. More colourful than the other day. I sort of didn’t want to wake her up, but I didn’t have long to stay. I tapped her arm gently.

“Lorna?” I whispered, still tapping. She stirred, blinked then stared at me for a good minute trying to get her focus.
“Gabs?” She opened her eyes wide, like it was a difficult task to keep them open. I laughed; she looked funny.
“Hey there.”
“Gaby! Oh my God! GABY!” She said it so loud that I saw Ellie jump out of the corner of my eye. I hadn’t heard her speak that loud yet. Last time I was here, she hardly had any energy.
“Chill Lorna. I mean, I know I didn’t get round to visiting yesterday, but I didn’t think it would be that big a deal…”
“I have been worried sick.” She said slowly. Now I was confused.
“Why exactly?” I asked. She looked over at Ellie, then at me. It seemed she was contemplating whether to speak to me or not.
“I can’t.” She muttered.
“Er?”
“I actually can’t.” She seemed really annoyed by this fact. Occasionally she looked over at Ellie, then directly at me again.
“I don’t understand.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Lorna mumbled, biting her lip. “Not now anyway, I guess. Why are you wearing that jumper? Aren’t you boiling in here?” She was looking at me pointedly, raising her eyebrows and stiffening her jaw. I recoiled.
“No, I’m not.” I answered, trying to keep my face straight. The truth was I was boiling, but I needed to hide my cuts. Did she know? Had Zak told her? Of course he had. I don’t blame him.
“Well I myself am really hot. Why don’t you take off your jumper?”
“I don’t want to.” I said, bluntly.
“Mm.” She gave me a look. It wasn’t a worried look, like she’d usually give me, but more of a disappointed look. The kind of look your mother would give you when you’ve been misbehaving.
“Right. Anyway. How are you?” I said, changing the subject.
“I’m fine.” She said, sighing. She looked sadly at the 3 tubes sticking out of her arm, hooked to a couple of different machines. The bruise on her face had finally gone from purple to yellow, and the cuts were already healing scabs.
“Do you know when you’re getting out?”
“No idea. The doctor said that I shouldn’t be expecting it anytime soon because I’m still in a ‘bad condition’. I don’t feel like I am! I get a headache every now and then, but still.” She seemed thoroughly annoyed. However, it didn’t surprise me that she’d have to stay in for a while. Even trying to rant, she sounds weak.
“Aw, don’t worry! It’ll fly by.” I tried to make her feel better.
“I feel like I’ve been in here for a year, and it’s only been… I’m losing track of my days.” She shook her head, annoyed at herself, then winced.
“It’s been a week and a half.” I said, my eyebrows creasing in worry. Her eyes were shut tight. “Are you okay?”
“No! My head hurts.” She snapped at me.
“Should I get someone?”
“I'll be fine.” Lorna said, finally opening her eyes.
“That’s what Zoë said.” I reminded her. She shook her head.
“It’s not the same. The doctors know I have a head injury, they didn’t for her. I’m expected to get some headaches! I had brain surgery.” She seemed very tetchy. I bit my lip. Lorna looked over at Ellie, then back at me again. I could tell Lorna was dying to say something.
“Where’s Zak?” I asked, trying to make her think about something different.
“I don’t know.” She said, clearly trying not to snap again. There was a silence. I didn’t know what to say to her. She was looking at me so differently. It was annoying.
“Okay, er-” I paused, hoping she’d say something. But no. “-I might check in tomorrow before the funeral.” I said, standing up.
“You’re leaving already?” She asked, looking hurt and confused.
“You don’t seem in the mood for company.” I said, trying not to sound rude.
“I just don’t feel well.” Again, she looked at Ellie. I don’t think she likes sharing a room very much.
“I'll see you tomorrow.” I said, standing up and leaving.

-

I drove for a long time until I finally arrived at the woodlands. My special place. I loved how this place never changed. No matter when I came, or who I was with, the woodlands continued to exist. The trees still grew, the birds still chirped. The waterfall still ran, somewhere in the distance. Even though I should be terrified, walking through a woods on my own – but I’m really not. This feels like a sort of home, to me. I walked along the path for a good 20 minutes, before I finally got to a clearing. The edge of the cliff. I walked towards it, took my shoes off, and sat down. Although I was 200ft up, I wasn’t scared. This felt natural. I felt safe. My mind untangled. I felt calmer than I had for days. I needed this recovery time. Alone. Peaceful.
It was half an hour later when I heard someone speak.
“What are the chances of you being here?”
I jumped, and turned around quickly. Of all people, Kris was striding towards me – half a smile on his face. He seemed to be checking my reaction before he made any more contact.
“Did you follow me?” I asked bluntly. He stopped walking.
“I’m not a stalker.” He said, raising his eyebrows. I turned away, looking back over the cliff edge.
“What are you doing here, Kris?” I couldn’t help but sound annoyed.
“I guess I’m here for the same reason as you; to find some space.”
“Well you’re using up mine.” I muttered, still not meeting his eyes. I felt him sit down next to me. He seemed a little wary, but didn’t complain.
“Gabs, I’m so sorry for everything.” He finally said, after a few minutes.
“Please, please don’t you apologise. This is not your fault.” I said looking at him. He gave me a confused look, but smiled.
“I knew it was the wrong thing to do.” He said, tilting his head to the side.
“So did I.” I continued. It was starting to get dark, and cold. I wanted to get home and try and sleep before the funeral tomorrow.
“Gaby, what happened the other day?” Kris asked, breaking the silence.
“What do you mean?”
“Rhys and Zak were having… a heated discussion. It was about you, but my name wasn’t mentioned. Did you do something?” He seemed genuinely concerned. I didn’t know how to answer. If I tell him the truth, he has the right to take Alicia away from him. If I lie, he’ll know I’ve lied. I stayed silent.
“Gabs?” He prompted again, when I failed to say something.
“I don’t really remember doing it.” I said, pulling back my sleeves to show the bandages covering my cuts. He looked at it for a second, then looked right into my eyes.
“Gaby…”
“I know, it’s stupid.” I said, shaking my sleeve back to cover it.
“Are there any more?” He asked tentatively.
I paused, before saying, “yeah.”
Kris took my hand. I didn’t move it for a minute, before deciding it was a stupid thing to do. I started standing up.
“I’m going to head back.” I said, looking back over the darkening sky. The woods behind me looked darker than anything else.
“Yeah, right.”He nodded, refusing to look in my eyes.
“I'll, er, see you tomorrow.” I said it with as little enthusiasm as possible. Tomorrow was not a day to look forward to.
Walking back through the forest wasn’t as bad as I expected. I jumped a few times because I stood on a twig and the echoing crack was louder than I’d thought, but otherwise it was just fine. I got back to the car and just sat there for a few minutes. I could see another car a few metres behind mine, so Kris must have known I was in here before her came and disrupted my peace and quiet.
I sighed, started the engine and drove back home.

-

The Beep! Beep! Beep! of my alarm was not welcome the following morning. I’d hardly had any sleep and just wanted to curl up into a ball and head back to dream land. But then Zoë popped into my head and I realised that I needed to get up and say bye.
It’s a horrible thought, having to say bye to someone. I remember saying bye to her when she moved out, and I thought that was bad!

“You can’t leave.” I complained again. Zoë was putting the remaining things on her desk into a box. She rolled her eyes at me.
“Gaby, you’ll be fine. I’m only around the corner.” She reminded me for the millionth time. I sat on her bed staring at a box next to me. I was so tempted to just tip it upside down and keep her here longer.
“But if you go I’ll be stuck next to a new person, and you know I’m going to have to hate them just for replacing you! So-”
I got cut off as Zak came in. He sniffed and hugged Zoë without saying a word.
“I'll miss you Zo.” He said, kissing her on the cheek. She smiled.
“It’ll be strange not living here. It’s been my home for 2 years…” She looked around her empty room for a second, and then put a roll of sellotape into the box she was packing.
“I have to go to a lecture now. I'll call in at Mike’s – well, yours now – later tonight? I can help you unpack.” Zak said, starting to get a bit teary. His voice was thick and shaky.
“Yes, definitely! I'll see you later Zakky!” Zoë smiled and waved. She seemed sad, but like she was trying very hard not to cry. Zak walked out quickly and closed the door behind him.
“I’m really going to miss you, Zoë!” I said, not being able to hold it in anymore.
“Aw, Gabs, me too!” She replied, putting down the things she was packing and sitting next to me. She put her arm around my shoulders.
“I’m so sorry I was horrible to you when you first moved in.” She said, giving me a squeeze. Tears dripped out of my eyes.
“It wasn’t just you. I’m sorry too!”
“But hey, we’re great friends now though?” She said smiling. “And we will be for years and years and years!”
“Yes. Definitely.” I said, sniffing. “I have to go to work now.” I said sadly. “You’ll be gone when I’m back?”
“Probably, yeah.” Zoë said, starting to cry herself.
“Well, I’m swapping with Lorna now – so don’t stop crying yet.” I said, smiling and hugging her.
“I'll miss you Gabs.”
“Bye Zoë.”

I dressed slowly, choosing what I wore carefully. I didn’t want to wear anything that revealed my arms. It seemed so stupid, almost like déjà vu. It was almost a year ago when I was walking around, constantly wearing long sleeves. And here I am, repeating it all over again. I’d arranged to meet Zak before the funeral and head down to see Lorna. I was actually more nervous about seeing Zak and Lorna than saying bye to Zoë. Zak was so much closer to her than I was. They’d been best friends for years. And Lorna? Well she was definitely suspicious of me.
My make-up took me a long time to do. I was so careful, I might as well have done each eyelash separately. Once I was finally ready, I realised I was 5 minutes late for meeting Zak.
“Shit.” I quickly put my neat, strappy black heels on and walked quickly out the house. By the time I locked my front door, Zak was already stood behind me.
“Oh, Zak, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise the time and – well…” I sighed, shaking my head and putting my keys away. He didn’t speak. I looked up at him and noticed his eyes were red and puffy.
“Oh.” I paused for a second, and then put my arms around his neck and gave him a hug. He squeezed me back, and I let out a sharp gasp. He’d made a few of my cuts sting.
“Sorry.” He mumbled, wiping his eyes. “You look good.” He noted, looking me up and down. I looked back at him. He was wearing regular black suit and tie.
“No, I look like I’m from the 70’s.” I said, commenting on my buttoned up black cardigan over my dress. Zak just smiled.
“You just look like you’re dressed for winter.” He assured me. I half smiled.
“Ready to go?” I asked, holding my hand out. He shook his head but still took it, and we slowly walked out of my flat and towards the hospital.

-

We were early.
I stared around the empty church yard, pulling my cardigan in closer to keep me warm. It wasn’t a warm October. Zak was staring up at the dark church, like he wanted to be anywhere but here. I don’t have a clue what time it is. I don’t know how long it will be till anyone else is here. All I know is that there’s nothing to say to each other. Neither of us want to speak, and neither of us can.
“What time is it?” Zak asked, not looking away from the church. It was strange that he asked, as it seemed like he had been staring at the church clock for the last half an hour.
“Half 11, right?” I said confused. He just shrugged and we morphed back into silence. I got my phone out of my bag and checked the time on that. Yes, it was half past 11. The funeral doesn’t even start till 12, and I know we’ve been here since at least 11, if not earlier!
“When’s Alicia back?” Zak asked after a few minutes.
“Tomorrow.” I replied, and I couldn’t help but smile. It’s been one of the hardest weeks of my life, and ninety-nine percent of that is because I haven’t had my beautiful baby here with me.
Zak just nodded in reply. He was trying to make small talk, but couldn’t speak himself. How strange. My mind wandered back to Alicia. I wonder what she’s doing right now. Probably sleeping, unless Mum’s given her a completely new routine. Maybe Naomi’s looking after her, or even Harriet. Will she remember me? I remember Mum telling me that when my brother was younger, and she left him with my grandparents for a week, he didn’t really remember her when they came back. Would that be the same with me and Alicia? Would I reach out for her and she’d cry because I’m Mama and not Nana? Maybe she shouldn’t have gone to my Mum’s. Then none of this stupid Rhys/Kris drama would have happened, and I’d be unscarred.
On the other hand, I don’t think I’d like to have her here right now. The atmosphere’s so down hill and it’s only me and Zak. I can’t imagine what it will be like when everyone else arrives. Would Alicia remember Zoë? Will she realise she’s missing, and not visiting anymore?

“You two are the luckiest people on the planet.” Zoë said, smiling down at little Alicia, who was snuggled up in her arms. I smiled back, and rested my head against Kris who was sat on the arm of the sofa. This has been the longest 3 days of my life. Labour, birth and visitors don’t go well if you want sleep. Right now, I’m un-showered and so knackered. But Zoë’s the first visitor, so I sort of have to deal with this right now. I walk through the door, put some pyjamas on and bam! She arrives straight away. I guess no one really understands how tired I am right now. Even Kris doesn’t seem too fussed about her being here. I hope I don’t seem really rude. I love Zoë, but I want sleep! Now!
“Thanks Zo.” Kris said, staring at Alicia. I couldn’t help but feel warm and fuzzy when I see him look at her. He gets a look in his eyes that’s just so full of love… It’s breathtaking.
“She’s so pretty.” Zoë said, putting on a childish voice. “You have beautiful eyes, little girly!”
I smiled again. Alicia had a strange colour eye. They were bright blue, yet they weren’t. At first glance, you would just call them blue – but the more and more you look at them, the less blue they looked. It was sort of like a mix between my brown, and Kris’s blue. Even though that sounds gross, Alicia’s eyes were completely the opposite. They were beautiful and so unique. But who knows, in time they may change colour. Baby’s eyes are always blue when they’re first born; perhaps that’s why they looks so odd.
“What’s her middle name? Rae?” Zoë asked brightly.
“Yeah, R-A-E” I said, trying to smile back. It was harder to smile than I thought. I guess almost 2 days with no sleep does that to you.
“She’s so precious! I can’t wait to watch you grow up, little one.” Zoë said, stroking Alicia’s nose. I actually did smile this time. Then the door went, and my smile vanished.
“More visitors!” Kris said, with a kind of smirk. Oh, how fun.

People were starting to arrive at the church now. A few girls came over to Zak and gave him a hug, each were crying. I didn’t know any of them, and at first that surprised me. But I realised Zoë must have friends that I’ve never met before or she’d have just been lonely. Some people I did recognise soon arrived. Nancy Hayton appeared with Kris, Darren Osbourne and Hannah Ashworth, Rhys’s sister, followed by Tony from Il Gnosh; his brother Dom; Steph and Cindy Cunningham; a few McQueens; the Valentines… Almost the whole village arrived to pay their respects to Zoë. I stayed stood with Zak, trying to ignore everyone around me. We were all huddled outside, waiting for the dreaded moment when the hearse would round the corner. Rhys turned up with a couple of minutes to spare, accompanied by his brother Josh, Natalie and Elliot. I had to look away to stop myself breaking down there and then. By the time it was 12 o clock, the church yard was full of people. I’d say there was well over a hundred. I was too busy looking at the mass amount of people, that I didn’t see the hearse pull up. All I saw were dozens of heads turn in the opposite direction to the church. Everyone suddenly smartened themselves up. They all stood straight and went silent, watching as Archie and his parents left the first car and Mike, Amy and Sarah Barnes left the second. 4 men stepped out of the hearse, moved around the back and returned with a coffin on their shoulder. Tears suddenly exploded from my eyes. I tried to control myself, but when I looked around I noticed that almost everyone else was crying too. Once the men, followed by Zoë’s family, had entered the church, everyone else assembled in behind them.
Zak was choking back tears as we took our seat on the 5th row in. I looked behind me, watching everyone else file in. There weren’t enough seats. By the time everyone was inside, at least 20 people were still standing up. I found it too difficult to look at the front. It was only when the music cut out – which was strange, as I hadn’t noticed music was playing – that my eyes were forced to the front. I blanked out the coffin and focussed instead on the priest.
“We’re here today to celebrate the life, and say goodbye to Zoë Carpenter. A loved daughter, fantastic sister and best friend. I will read from the bible…” His voice droned on. I couldn’t listen. I waited for him to finish his prayers and watched Archie climb the steps in front of everybody and speak.

“Zoë was my sister.” Archie spoke clearly, despite the fact he was crying. “And she was the best. We didn’t get along much when we were younger. She would fight with me, I would fight with her. But when she moved to university, I found I needed her more than ever. So what did I do? I moved to the same place as her. Became friends with her friends. I got to know my real sister, and not the bratty annoying one I always thought she was. Zoe left this world too early. She’ll be missed so, so much.” He turned and walked over to the coffin, touched the top of it and said, “Bye Sis. Save me a spot in heaven,” before walking back down to his seat, tears flooding out of his eyes. Mike Barnes was up there next. He took a few deep breaths before he could speak.
“Zoë was a brilliant, bright girl. I didn’t get to know her as well as I’d hoped to. I was planning on spending the rest of my life with her… We met a few years ago, and we got together early last year.” He paused. “Despite what almost everybody said, Zoë and I stuck together. I loved her. I loved her eyes, her personality, her. When Zoë agreed to move in with me, I was the happiest man on the planet. I was actually preparing to ask her to marry me when…” He gulped back a few tears. “I know in my heart that she’d have said yes. So in my heart she will be, forever. I love you Zoë. You really were taken too soon.” He had to rush back to his seat, the tears were coming so fast. Zak was struggling for breath at my side, and the woman next to me (who I’d never met before) had hidden her face in her hands to try and stop the tears. I was crying, but I wasn’t sobbing. I guess I was holding it in. Try and be strong for those around me…

-

When the funeral was over, everyone made their way to The Dog for the wake. Stupid really. Go to a funeral, and then have a party. I never really understand these things. All I know is that every wake I’ve ever been to, usually everyone gets very happy and very drunk.
“Want a drink?” Zak asked as we walked through the doors. I shook my head and he walked away, leaving me alone. I sighed and looked around, trying to find someone I knew. The first person I saw was Archie, leaning up against a wall with a beer in his hand, alone.
“Hey Archie,” I said, going to give him a hug. He put his arm around me and pulled away. He’d stopped crying now. He looked sort of catatonic. “I’m so sorry.”
He just smiled and shrugged.
“How’s Lorna?” He asked, glancing around. “Is she still in hospital? I haven’t been here for a few days. I’ve sort of lost touch.”
“Yeah, she’s still at the hospital. She’s a lot better than she was, but still sort of critical.” I said, biting my lip.
“How’s Rhys?” He asked, casually. My heart thudded loudly.
“Er, what? Why?” I asked, trying not to sound like an arse but it didn’t work.
“I noticed you weren’t with him today at the church, is everything-”
He was cut off by Gilly saying, “Archie, come have a game of pool!” and I seized my moment to walk away, smiling kindly as I went. I only moved 2 steps when I bumped into Kris.
“Oh, hey.” I said, a little dazed.
“Hi,” he replied, looking over at Archie. “Are you alright?”
“Me? I’m fine.” I sighed.
“Good.” He said back. We stayed silent for a few seconds. It was an awkward silence. Neither of us knew what to say.
“Er, when’s Alicia back?” Kris finally broke the pause.
“Tomorrow, hopefully. I’m going to go pick her up.”
“Oh, really? Your Mum isn’t bringing her back?”
“No, I’m going to get her. I sort of want to go home for the day anyway.” I said, smiling. He gave me a concerned look and I sighed. “I will come back, Kris.”
“I know.” He said, nodding. “Can I come round tomorrow night, to see her?”
I waited a moment before answering. “I, er, don’t know Kris.”
He seemed taken aback, “but..”
“I'll bring her round to you on Saturday. You can have her for the day if you want? I just don’t think it’s a good idea if you come to mine…” I said, hoping he’d understand.

“Why not?”
It wasn’t Kris who’d spoke. Rhys was stood behind me, and he’d clearly heard the last part of mine and Kris’s conversation. I took a deep breath and turned around, raising my eyebrows.
“Is that supposed to be funny?” I asked. I don’t know where the confidence was coming from, but the adrenaline running through my blood seemed to make me want to speak up for myself.
“No?” Rhys asked, narrowing his eyes. “I was just asking why you didn’t want him at yours. Sorry for-”
“Oh wow.” I said sarcastically, “Please don’t acting like a jack ass.”
“It was a serious question!” He protested, now looking at Kris who was standing awkwardly at the bar. I couldn’t help but see the loathing in Rhys’s eyes.
“You know exactly why I don’t think it’s a good idea, so stop acting like such an idiot.” I snapped, but I kept my voice low. He rounded on me.
“An idiot?”
“Don’t!” I hissed. “Not here, not now!”
“Oops, sorry. Yeah, you’re right. I don’t think anyone would like it if you decided to slit your wrists here. Maybe we should just take this outside so you can wander back to yours and be alone.” He said it quietly so no one else could hear. My eyes burned with tears. He smiled for a moment and then his face changed. He was staring into my eyes, and I could suddenly see worry rather than hate.
“If you really want me to do that, then why the hell not?” I said back bitterly. I went to walk away, not to go home but just to get away from him, but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back.
“Ah! Jesus Rhys!” I gasped, pulling my arm toward my body. It felt like he’d just ripped out some stitches.
“I didn’t mean that.” He said, and he seemed panicky. I looked at him for a minute.
“I know.” I finally said. “And I wasn’t going to do anything.” I said, still cradling my arm. It was stinging like hell.
“Yeah…” He muttered, “Right.”
We stood there silently for a moment.
“So Alicia’s back tomorrow?” Rhys asked, and he honestly seemed like he cared. Clearly he heard more of mine and Kris’s conversation that I’d thought.
“Yes.”
“And, well, can I see her?” He asked. I gave him a look.
“Why?” I asked, totally confused.
“I’ve missed her too, you know.” He muttered, not looking me in the eye. “I’m used to having her around.”
“Well, yeah. You can come around whenever. You know that.” I said, giving him a look. “Remember, it’s you staying away from me here?”
He sighed and shook his head.
“I'll come around at some point tomorrow.”
“I'll text you when I’m back with her.” I said, now walking away from him. Even though we argued, that was the first civilised conversation we’d had in days.

-

The world was too colourful for this to be real life. I must be in a dream. I walked along an orange, sandy shore staring out at this vast purple ocean. The place was empty apart from two people. Myself and-
“Zoë!” I gasped. She just laughed at my side. I’d been walking with her for a few minutes, yet I’d only just realised it was her. “But you’re… you died.” I whispered, stopping dead and staring at her. She seemed prettier than I remembered her, but everything in this world is prettier.
“Yeah.” She muttered, tilting her head to the side. “Sucks, doesn’t it?”
“Why are you here?” I asked, trying not to sound rude but I couldn’t help it. I don’t understand why Zoë’s in this beautiful colourful place. I sort of wanted to be here alone to wander the land.
“I wanted to tell you to stop worrying.” She replied, taking hold of my hand. “All week you’ve been so scared and hurt and worried. You need to stop.”
“How?” I asked. I wasn’t asking how to stop, but more how did she know?
“I’ve been watching you. All of you.”
“But-” I paused, not knowing what to say.
“The ceremony was beautiful today. I’d have preferred a white coffin, but plain brown will do. I suppose marble ones are too expensive and that’s why Mum chickened out of that plan.”
I was crying now. The tears were bright blue, dripping from my eyes. I couldn’t help it. Why was Zoë here? Why did I know she was dead in this place? It doesn’t make any sense.
“Don’t cry. Please! You have no idea how amazing I feel right now.”
“Zoë, you’re d-dead.” I reminded her.
“Oh, I know.” She said, and her voice went from high spirits, to sentimental. “Look Gaby. You can stop suffering now. I went the perfect way. I was surrounded by people I love, and I honestly didn’t feel a thing. It felt like falling into a deep sleep, yet when I woke up I was here.”
“So am I dead?” I asked confused.
“Do you want to die?” She asked, raising her eyebrows. I shook my head.
“Of course not.” My mind quickly settled on Alicia. She needed me too much.
“Then no, you’re not.” She giggled.
“I haven’t stopped thinking about you for 2 days, you know.” I said, sniffing loudly. She nodded.
“Sorry for being a bitch when you first moved in.” She said, smiling kindly. “But I love you now! You really are a great friend, Gabs.”
“You’re better.” I said, giving her a hug. “Please don’t go.”
“I have to.” She said, sighing. “It’s too late now. But you guys need to all stop beating yourselves up about it. I’m so… peaceful right now.”
“Yeah?” I asked, wiping my eyes.
“Yes!” She said, smiling. “I’m in this beautiful place, and soon I'll be with beautiful people.”
“I g-guess.”
“Will you do something for me?” Zoë asked, looking deep into my eyes. “Will you get yourself some help?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, taken aback by this.
“I don’t want you going back down the same path, Gaby. People need you now. Alicia needs you.”
“I kn-know.”
“Then there’s nothing left to say.” She said happily. “I'll miss you loads Gabs. Chin up, eh?”
“No! No Zoë, please, don’t go!” I shouted, giving her a hug again. “I didn’t get to learn so much about you. You went too soon. Please just st-stay for a bit.”
“I have to go!” She said, laughing at me. I sighed and she pulled away from me. “Bye Gaby, have a great life. I will see you again, one day.”
I closed my eyes, trying to hold back the tears. When I opened them again, she was already halfway across the bright orange sand, heading towards the white distance.
“Wait!” I called, and she turned towards me, smiling. “Have I just made this all up? Is this just a dream?”
“Do you want it to be a dream?” Zoë asked, and when I didn’t answer she started walking until she faded out into the distance, and I was alone again.

**Skips like 6 weeks**




“And I win again!!” I bragged as I sorted the cards back into a pile and began to shuffle them again. Zak’s eyes widened as I shuffled the cards in a fancy way, making the cards cascade and flip from the deck.
“Right, you’ve seen me do that hundreds of time now? It’s not that hard!” I said with a slight laugh.
“I just don’t understand why you know how to do it?” He said, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion as I did it again.
“Didn’t everybody in your school play cards once you got to 6th year?” I questioned. Our group was addicted. My friend Amy and I were the worst and for the whole year had this shuffling competition to see who could do it better than the other and manage all the fancy tricks.
“6th year?” He questioned as the same confused looked appeared across his face once more.
I smiled. “Never mind!” I’ve had way too many different confusing conversations with Gaby trying to work out how the English school system works compared to the Scottish one and it still doesn’t make any sense. I started to deal the cards out again before sighing. I had played cards at least 100 times in the past few weeks – no exaggeration – and I’m eventually starting to get sick of it! Just like I’m sick of this hospital, not that I’ve ever actually liked being in here. 7 weeks and 5 days, I’ve been in here, trapped! It’s quite scary to think that tomorrow will be the first time I’ll be anywhere but this hospital in that long! It’s felt even longer than that. I mean it’s now December and I first came in here in October! I’ve missed a whole month of the year completely.
“What can I get Alicia for Christmas?” Zak said randomly, picking up his pile of cards I had just given to him.
“We can go shopping for it at the weekend!” I said excitedly. “I mean there's 8 days till Christmas and I still need to get presents for Adrian, Alyson, You, Gabs, Alicia, Claire, Neil, Natalie, Rhys, Kris, Elliot, Archie , Steph, Tom and probably that Cameron dude? Despite the fact I barely know him! Although he’s quite funny! He came in with Archie the other day and we had the weirdest conversation about, in fact never mind but he was really funny!” I said, stopping to take a breath after going off on my hyper tangent.
Zak just beamed at me.
“What the hell are you smiling like that for?” I laughed.
“Cause you’re you again!” He smiled and I couldn’t help but smile back.
“Kinda happy about that myself too!” I laughed.
“I’ve left the flat for you to decorate” He said. “They wouldn’t wait for you at halls. Natalie got a bit over excited last weekend, you should see it! “
“I want to see” I said. “And tomorrow I will!” I beamed. “And thank you” I laughed. “It wouldn’t be Christmas without putting up the Christmas tree!”
“Thought you’d say that!” He said. “Natalie came with me to get it the other day when she was on her spree of Christmas madness!”
I laughed. “I can imagine!” Excitement randomly took over me again as I thought about putting up the Christmas tree with Zak. I remember when my mum was telling me about her first Christmas with my dad after he got his own flat. It made me smile just thinking about it. “What are you thinking about?” Zak said, randomly waving his hand in front of my face.
“My Mum and Dad” I smiled. He looked at me, waiting to tell him more. “Just you talking about how we can put the Christmas tree up together reminded me about my mum telling me about her and dad’s first Christmas after my dad got his own place”
“What happened?” He asked.
“Well he only moved in at the start of December but my mum refused to come over and visit him until he got a Christmas tree, so he went out the same night and got one and then they decorated it together and it was like a week later when they went to Ayr and were sitting in the car down the shore and it was snowing and he proposed to her!” I smiled.
“Right, so you won’t move in with me but you’re trying to suggest we get engaged?!” He laughed.
“You know fine well I didn’t mean that!” I laughed. Zak had sat his cards down on the table so I picked them up and started to shuffle again. “What you doing tonight after work??”
“Going to bed!” He said.
“Lazy!” I laughed.
“Says the girl who’s spent the last, how many weeks?, in bed!” He said.
I sighed. “I couldn’t exactly help that!” I laughed.
“I was thinking that the quicker I went to bed the quicker I can come back and get you out of here tomorrow!” He smirked.
“Whatever lazy” I laughed. It was then when my eyes hit the clock. Half 11 which means Zak has to go. “Time” I sighed which caused Zak to look at his watch. He frowned.
“It’s my last shift before Christmas though” He smiled. “And just think the next time I leave here you’ll be coming with me!” He said as he stood up and leant forward to give me a kiss on the cheek.
“That was crap!” I laughed, as I climbed out of the bed and stood up and wrapped my arms around him and gave him a proper kiss.
“You were right, that was much better!!” He smiled. “But, back to bed!” He said.
“Fine then!” I said as I climbed back into bed again. “See you tomorrow Zakky!”
“Love you” He said.
“Love you too” I smiled. And then he left.

----------XXX------------

“So what did he get me?” I asked, I’d been begging Gaby – practically since she’d arrived - to tell me what Zak’s got me for Christmas. When he was in this morning he’d been winding me up about how he’d wrapped up my Christmas present last night and the only information I’d managed to get out of him was that he bought it when he’d gone shopping with Gaby last weekend.
“Lorna-“Gaby said seriously. “I don’t think you’re going to like it” I instantly smiled.
“Gaby, I’ve told you, Rhys has told you, Kris has told you, you’re not the best liar in the world!” I laughed. She stuck out her bottom lip causing me to smile cheekily in return.
“I’m sure you’ll love it” She smiled.
“Yeah, but was is IT?” I smirked.
“Naaaa” Alicia said loudly. She was sat there contently on Gaby’s lap watching me. The amount she’d changed while I was in here was unbelievable.
“See! Alicia agrees with me!” Gaby said smugly, picking her up and smiling at her. I felt sorry for Alicia being dragged in here to see me all the time.
“No. Alicia you agrees with Lorna, don’t you Alicia??” I said and she just laughed at me.
“Sure!” Gaby laughed.
“Right, well if you’re not going to tell me what Zak bought what did you get?” I smiled. Shopping is not my favourite thing in the world but I was actually jealous! My best friend and my boyfriend out shopping without me.
“I got lots of things for Alicia” She smiled. “I dragged Zak from Argos to Mother care and then to boots looking for this Fisher Price interactive kitchen for Alicia.” She explained. “You’ll love it!” She told me.
“I’m sure I will” I smiled, half laughing. “I don’t believe you managed to trail Zak around all those shops. He complains after 10 minutes in River Island”
“Well he loves Alicia” Gaby smiled looking proudly down at Alicia and smiling. I felt a pang of jealousy as I looked at her. It was something I was going to need to get used to. “He’s so good with her! She loves him too. He’s going to be a great da-“ and then she stopped. Her face frozen as she realised what she’d said.
“And one day he will be” I said, breaking the silence that had taken over the room.
Gaby just smiled back awkwardly at me in return. I keep trying to tell myself it’ll get easier but will it?
“I’ve just realised that I don’t know! What are you doing for Christmas this year?” I asked, quickly trying to change the subject. Images of Zak and Alicia together were appearing in my head and it as silly as it sounds they were hurting me more than imaginable.
“We’re going to Nana’s” She smiled. “Aren’t we Alicia?” Alicia just laughed in agreement.
“What about Kris?” I blurted out randomly. It’s Alicia’s first Christmas! I don’t want him to miss it! I know it has nothing to do with me but part of me wondered that with all the recent dramas whether Gaby was going to Blackpool to get away from Kris, and Rhys and just have a nice time with her family.
“Daddy’s coming too” Gaby smiled. “Mum loves him” She laughed.
“Alicia’s mum or Gaby’s mum?” I laughed but Gaby didn’t find it funny at all. The look she gave me was awful. It was a joke! “What’s everyone else doing for Christmas?” I asked before Gaby could say anything else.
“Natalie’s going home on Friday after she sees that you’re home” Gaby said, something in her tone suggested that she was almost glad and it worried me. “Dork is doing the same, I think.” She smirked. “Cameron went back to Chicago on Tuesday and Archie went home as soon as the Christmas Break started”
“Ohh. What about Rhys?” I said, realising that Gaby hadn’t mentioned him. Part of me was glad they were finally over but I hate seeing Gaby so hurt.
“The Dog. With his family” She said quickly, clearly not wanting to talk about him much. “And then Zakky will follow you wherever you go” Gaby said mockingly.
“Don’t be silly” I said getting annoyed.
“I’m not” Gaby said, “It’s the truth”
“Right” I said.
“Right Missy” Gaby said and it actually took me second to realise that she didn’t mean me. “I told Daddy I’d bring you over at 4 o’clock and it’s quarter to. So it’s time to say Bye Bye to Lorna” Gaby continued. “And then after tomorrow she can come see you for a change!”
“yay!” I laughed. “Thanks for coming!” I smiled.
“See you tomorrow” Gaby said standing up and giving me a hug being careful with Alicia who was clinging to her.
“Bye Bye” I smiled and then I was alone again for possibly the last time!

-------XXX--------

“I hear you’re getting out of here tomorrow” Natalie said smiling fakily as she practically dragged herself into the room. Something’s up. I stood up – I’d just been sorting things in my bedside table and trying to put them away for tomorrow. Even though the nurses told me I was doing too much – and walked over and sat up on my bed. Natalie followed and came and sat beside me.
“Natalie, what’s wrong?” I asked
“A very happy Zakky was just at halls getting you clothes and things for tomorrow” Natalie – completely ignoring my question – said, smiling a clearly fake smile.
I gave a quick smile back at what she had said about Zak before my frown returned. “Natalie?” I questioned seriously.
“Never mind” She snapped. I had clearly annoyed her by asking questions so I left it there. When’s she’s ready to tell me, she’ll tell me. “What time do you reckon you’ll be back tomorrow?”
“I’m hoping as early as possible!” I said. “But I’m not sure. Zak’s coming to pick me up” “Good.” She said, again having to force a smile.
I was stuck for something to say. I want to know what’s wrong. Why Natalie’s not Natalie! It’ll be Rhys. It’s always Rhys; winding her up, leading her on, making fake promises. I’m sick of it. The day after Zoe’s funeral Natalie spent most of the day here crying. She was hiding from him! They’d had a fight and he basically told her that he loved Gaby and that’d he’d only ever loved Gaby and that she was stupid to think otherwise and when she argued back he said that she was just an “easy slapper”. He was drunk at the time but no matter how drunk he was he had no right to say that to her, none at all.
It scares me how different Rhys can be; how he went from being this sweet guy who cared for Gaby so much when he barely knew her and when she was pregnant with another man’s kid to what he is now, someone who lies and cheats playing 2 friends off against the other. I hate him. I hate what he’s done and I hate who he’s become.
“I don’t think you realise how lucky you are” Natalie snapped bitterly. Where did that come from? I looked at her with confusion written all over my face. “You cheated on Zak. You slept with his best friend. You lost his kid because you turned to booze! How is that fair? Can you explain that?” She said. I could tell she was angry but why was it at me? “Why is it you, the chubby, spoilt, ditzy cow gets a boyfriend who loves you no matter what and I don’t?!” She spat with pure hate. I felt as though someone punched me right in the gut. “Rhys and me were perfect but still he chose her” She said angrily. “Rhys, look at me, I cut myself!!” She said putting on a fake voice. Anger actually burned inside me. How could she say this about Gaby!?! “I slept with Kris. Kris loves me but Rhys I’d rather have you!” She said, in the same fake shrill voice as before. She turned round to face me and within seconds I could smell the alcohol on her breath. It was only 9 o’clock.
“It’s not fair” She said beginning to sob. “It’s not fair” She repeated. I stood up from my bed and bent down into my bag and took out my phone and began to call Zak. I should probably have used the phone beside my bed but it costs and it’s not like I was in the ward with the heart machines and things anymore.
“What are you doing?!” Natalie snapped viciously.
“Phoning Zak to come get you” I said.
“Ohh it would be Zak wouldn’t it?” She laughed. “And because it’s you he’ll just drop everything and run but earlier when I asked him to come out he said he couldn’t be bothered. Archie’s gone home already so has Cameron, most of the people from lectures have gone as well and if they’re still here they’re too busy with their boyfriends and girlfriends to do anything. Rhys has started avoiding me completely, like earlier I spoke to him and he just completely ignored me” She stopped for a second. “Gaby and me haven’t been the same for months” She sighed. “I regret that so much. But you can’t help who you love can you?!” She said lying her head down on my shoulder. I took my phone out and started to phone Zak.
“Hi” He said quickly as though he didn’t want to be on the phone. I already knew what he was doing. I could hear it in the background, playing Fifa.
“Can you switch the Xbox off and come and get your drunken – well more tipsy friend please?” I said quietly as Natalie continued to sob on my shoulder. I heard the noise from the game go off, so he’d either paused it or switched it off.
“Which friend?” He asked, confused.
“Natalie” I said quietly again.
“I thought she was going to the cinema with Ben?” He asked.
“Can you please stop asking questions and hurry up?” I sighed. “I’ll explain when you get here but if the nurses come in here to check on me and they see that she’s been drinking she’ll be thrown out and it scares me to think about where she’d go and what she’d do if she was!”
“I’ll be there in 20 minutes” He said quickly hanging up the phone.
“He’s just coming” I said.
“Thank you” She said. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?”
“Everything” She sighed. “What I just said two minutes ago. What I’ve done with Rhys making you lie to Gaby, Zak, everybody” She sobbed. “You did tell me I was being stupid”
I put my arm around her shoulders. “Stop worrying about it. It’s over. Gaby and Rhys are over too.”
“Feelings don’t just go away though!” Natalie sighed.
“I know that. Trust me.” I said. “It takes time! You will find somebody!”
She shook her head.
“Why did Zak think you were at the cinema with Ben?” I asked, hoping it would change the subject.
“Well I was meant to be but then Ben asked if he could bring this-“ she sniffed, “girl that he likes. I used to be the girl that he likes but I was too busy with Rhys to even care” she wiped the tears from her eyes. “But yeah, I didn’t want to be a third wheel so I told Ben that I was busy anyway. So then when Zak came to halls I asked if he’d come out with me, he said no because he didn’t want to be hungover on the day when you finally get out of here.”
“So what did you end up doing?” I asked.
“I went out by myself” Natalie said. “I went to the SU and just sat there by myself hoping that someone I knew would come in eventually and they did. Rhys did but as usual he completely ignored me so then I decided I’d come talk to you. I needed a Lorna cuddle”
“Natalie” I frowned, giving her a squeeze and she just sat there letting the tears flow.

-----XXX-----

“So, Miss Wilson” The doctor said. “you’ll be happy to know that you are now free to go” The smile on my face was indescribable. I turned to look at Zak, standing in the corner with my stuff, and he had a smile on his face too. Although that was probably more due to the fact that he came to pick me up 3 hours ago and we’re still here.
“Thank you” I said.
“Just make sure you collect those prescriptions tomorrow in Chester” He said. “And we’ll have you back in a few months just to check how things are going”
“Thank you” I smiled again. I couldn’t say anything else. The Doctor smiled and left the room. Unfortunately it wasn’t one of the Doctors that I was used to; although I had said goodbye to most of the Doctors and Nurse yesterday and thanked them for what they did. I definitely wasn’t going to forget that if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be here now.
“So, Miss Wilson” Zak said, faking a posh voice doing an impression of the Doctor. “Can we get the hell out of here now?”
“YES!” I replied enthusiastically.
“And never come back, again, ever?” He said, picking up my holdall and walking over to me.
I nodded and smiled as he took my hand. “Good” He said as he gave my hand a squeeze. The smile on his face was making the smile on mine even bigger.
“So, halls?” Zak asked, turning to face me.
“Definitely” I just beamed back in return ...

Gaby's POV

I hate Christmas.
Okay, so maybe that’s a bit of a lie. I don’t hate Christmas. I hate having to buy presents for other people. It’s the hardest thing in the world. If Christmas was just everyone giving me presents, but I had to do nothing – that would be ideal! I still need to buy presents for Ben, Luke, Sam, Archie, Lorna, Naomi, Mum and Zak. It would have made so much more sense if this year everyone had done a Secret Santa type thing, but I have friends from other places, and Lorna was in hospital… Lucky for me, Becka and Liv have decided it would just be easier if we didn’t buy presents for each other either, as usually we just give each other money, and then they give it us back straight away. There’s no point.
But everyone else? Nope, they want the presents. And to be honest, so do I!
I glanced at the clock. Nearly 2. I told Kris I’d take Alicia over to him for then, but she’s just gone off to sleep. I can’t believe how much she’s grown up now. Not even 5 months old yet, and she can wave, clap her hands and almost sit up. Well, she can’t really sit up unless you prop a load of cushions behind her, but she’s still doing better than she was. She’s so much more lively now. When she was younger, she was cute and everything, but she slept so much. Now she’s always making noises and is even starting to learn to play with things. She absolutely hates being carried like a baby, so now I’ve even started carrying her like a little toddler. And her hair? Well, she’s copied me! Almost jet black hair when she was born, but now it’s practically blonde! Mine did darken again when I was about 7 though…
Alicia is also eating solid foods now. Not completely solid, as she actually doesn’t have any teeth yet, but baby food. She has been for over a month, and she manages pretty well. I’ve even stopped breast feeding except for once just before she goes to sleep at night. She’s growing up quickly.

My phone buzzed once. Kris had text asking when we were coming round. I sighed, left my room where Alicia was sleeping peacefully in her cot, and started ringing him.
“Hello.” He said happily.
“Hi Kris, sorry she’s just gone to sleep.” I said, picking up some of her toys and putting them in her basket.
“Oh, right…” He paused. “How long’s she been asleep?”
“About 15 minutes, maybe 20? I put her in an hour ago, but she only just settled down then.” I said, taking a seat on the sofa.
“Okay, well shall I do something else for a bit then?”
“I don’t mind. You can come here if you want? But, like I said, she’s still asleep and I have an essay that I’d like to get out of the way.”
“It’s alright, I have things to do anyway. Just text me when she’s up and I'll come say hello.”
“Okay, see you a bit later then.”
“Bye.”
I put the phone down. Essay time…

-

“How are you? Are you okay?”
“Aaaah.” I heard Alicia as I walked into Halls, my hands full with bags. Whilst I’d left her with Kris, I decided to do a bit of shopping. I put the bags under her pram and walked around the glass to see Rhys sat with Alicia in the sitting room, alone. I paused, took a deep breath and said, “Hello.”
Rhys look up at me. He seemed to stare at me forever.
“Hi,” he said, putting Alicia onto her playing mat, propping her up with some cushions so she could sit up and play. “Sorry, I hadn’t seen her for a while so..”
“It’s fine.” I said quickly, “honestly.”
He stood up.
“Where’s Kris?” I asked, trying not to look in Rhys’ eyes.
“He went to the shop to get some Welcome Home banners for Lorna. She’s on her way back now. I asked if I could watch Alicia whilst he went…” He said it with bitterness. I’m guessing that’s because he had to speak to Kris. Well, he should get over that. They do live together.
“Oh, right.” I said, trying to put on a good smile. It didn’t really work.
“I'll, er, just go.”
“Wha-? No. You can stay with her if you like. I'll go see Natalie or something.”
“I don’t think she’s in.” He said quickly, moving a bit like he was prepared to run down the corridor if he had to. I just nodded.
“Well I'll just stay in here then.” I said, “and I don’t mind if you do either.”
He paused, watching me for a moment. I focused on his eyes. His lovely, warm brown eyes.
“Ok then.” He said, sitting on the floor next to Alicia. I took a seat at the counter and watched as he played with her. Giving her toys that made silly noises and watching her as she smiled and got excited.
“When did you grow up, eh?” He asked, tickling her feet. I couldn’t help but smile.
“Have you seen her new tricks yet?” I asked. Rhys turned around to look at me.
“No, what tricks?”
“Watch her.” I said as he turned to face her. “Alicia, clap your hands.” I said loudly, she looked up at me for a second, “clap your hands, go on!”
Slowly she put her hands together, then she smiled and clapped them together 3 or 4 times.
“Oh, wow!” Rhys said, sounding excited. I think he was putting it on for Alicia’s sake.
“And, Alicia wave! Wave to Rhys.”
Alicia lifted her hand, beamed and waved. I couldn’t help but smile at her. She’s getting so clever!
“Look at you!” Rhys said, smiling at her. I looked down at the counter, keeping my eyes away from his. It hurt. He was so happy with her... And it’s my fault he never gets to see her now. I know he isn’t her Dad, but he was there the whole time. He’s been there more than Kris.
I stood up quickly, my eyes starting to sting. “I think I’m going to take some stuff back home, I'll come back later for Alicia.”
“Oh, really?” Rhys stood up. I paused. It seemed like he wanted me to stay. Is that just my imagination? Am I just hearing what I want to hear?
“Why? Should I stay?” I asked, trying to sound casual. He cleared his throat.
“Well, Lorna’s going to be back soon.”
Of course. Lorna… He doesn’t want me there for him, but for Lorna.
“Well, I'll be back in about 15 minutes. I'll just take some-” Just as I picked up one of my bags, the front door opened and in walked Zak and a pale, but on the mend, Lorna.

“Hello!” Zak said cheerfully, greeting me with a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek. I couldn’t help but smile at how happy he was. I guess it’s a relief for him, having Lorna home.
“Gaby!” Lorna gave me a big hug. I squeezed her back in return.
“Hello you! How are you doing then?” I asked, pulling myself out of her tight grasp.
“Amazing. You have no idea how good it is to see something other than hospital walls.”
“Oh good.”
“Alicia! Hello there.” Lorna said, walking forwards to sit with her. She was a bit slower and shuffling more than usual, but she was definitely a hell of a lot better.
“How are you then, Zak?” I asked, smiling and walking over to him. He was hovering behind the sofa, watching Lorna with such a look of awe on his face it was overwhelming.
“I’m just so glad she’s alright.” He said quietly, so only I could hear. I nodded.
“We all our.” I said and he smiled.
“So, are you okay?” He asked, tilting his head in that patronising way.
“I’m fine.” I said, as the front door opened again.
“Okay, I got-” Kris paused as his eyes focussed on everyone in the room. “Aw, damn it! You’re back.” He looked thoroughly disappointed at Lorna.
“Oh, sorry. I'll go get ill again.” She replied, standing up.
“Sorry, I meant I was going to decorate the place. See?” He pulled out a banner and some balloons.
“Aw, Kris you cutie!” Lorna laughed, giving him a hug. I saw Zak turn away out of the corner of my eye. Things still aren’t good between them then, I guess. Poor Kris, he’s got the boys hating him.
I heard a little scream behind me, followed by a strained cry. I turned to see Alicia stretching her arms out for Kris and she seemed thoroughly annoyed that she wasn’t getting his attention.
“Aw!!” Lorna said, looking shocked.
“Alright missy, one minute.” Kris said, going into his room to put things down. Alicia cried harder, clearly thinking he was going somewhere else.
“Alright sweetie, he’s coming back.” I said, and she turned to see me. I think she might have forgotten I was in there too, because when she saw me she stopped crying and stretched towards me instead. I just laughed because at that moment Kris had come back out of his room and was scooping her up in his arms.
“What-” he paused giving Alicia a look, “were those tears for?”
“I think she’s tired.” I said, yawning myself. It was nearly 6 o clock, and Alicia usually goes to bed at 7, after having some tea and a bath. She’ll be having a later night tonight.
“She slept before she came.” Kris said, confused.
“Yes, but she’s a baby.” I said laughing. Lorna smiled.
“Yeah, I remember Becky would sleep all night, then have like 3 naps during the day too!” Lorna said, and everyone went silent. It was strange when, on the rare occasions, Lorna mentioned Becky. Nobody really knows how to respond. The silence was awkward.
“Well, I really need to get her back. She hasn’t eaten yet.” I said, mainly directing this at Lorna.
“Oh, okay.” She said, pretending to be really sad.
“I’m glad I got to see you out of that miserable place!”
“Me too!” She said, laughing.
“Do you need a hand getting her back? It started snowing before so..” Kris let the sentence hang.
“Whaaat? Snowing?” I sighed. “That’s stupid.” I looked out the window. It was too bright in here to see outside. I thought for a second. “I should be alright. I’ve got the rain cover for her..”
“But your bags?” Kris said, pointing at the pram which was indeed full of bags.
“Presents?!” Lorna said excitedly, her face lighting up. Everyone laughed at her. Well, Lorna’s definitely back.
I looked back at the many bags I had to carry. I suppose I could use some help.
“Alright, yeah. I guess I could do with a hand…” I said, a bit miffed. I looked at Kris. “Can you-?”
“I'll do it.” Rhys interrupted me. I turned and looked at him, completely confused. He seemed serious.
“Oh.”
That was all I could manage to say. My mind seemed to go blank. Rhys was agreeing, no suggesting, to spend time with me… alone! I don’t understand.
“If you don’t want me to..”
“What? No. I mean, yes. Okay.” My words came out all jumbled. It made Rhys smile… Is he trying to kill me?
“Alright, well you put Alicia’s coat on then and-”
“No!” Lorna cut in. My senses snapped back, and I gave her a look. “I’m sorry but please..” She looked from me to Rhys. “I'll help.”
“What?” I asked confused.
“No, Lorna you’re still weak.” Zak said.
“Well then you help her.” She said to him.
“Er, Lorna, what’s wrong?” I asked confused. Why didn’t she want Rhys to help me back? To finally speak to me again? She got her boyfriend back, why can’t I get mine?
Slowly, she looked at me and then at Rhys, before sighing and saying, “fine. I'll see you tomorrow?”
“Yes.” I said, walking towards Kris and taking Alicia off him. I kneeled down with her, lay her on the floor and put her all-in-one coat on her.
“Can someone pass me her hat? It should be in her little back-pack.” I said, as I zipped her coat up and started putting her hands into the attached mittens. She didn’t like that.
“Don’t cry sweetie.” I said soothingly as someone dropped her hat into my hand. I put it quickly onto her head. “Alright, see? Wasn’t that bad after all.” I said, lifting her up. I placed her into the pram and covered her with a blanket and the plastic rain cover.
“Well, let’s go see your first snow..” I said, bracingly. Was I bracing myself for the weather or for Rhys?

-

The whole walk was silent. Kris was right, it was snowing. Heavily too. In the space of 10 or 15 minutes there was already a good inch on the ground. Well, enough to leave footprints anyway. It was difficult to direct the pram. I was sliding everywhere. I hadn’t dressed for snow, and my shoes really had no grip! Rhys just stayed a step behind me, seemingly in deep thought, the whole way. When we got to the flat he helped me take the pram up the stairs, with Alicia in it, but then continued the silence charade whilst I took the bags off him and put them in my room.
When I came back out, he had Alicia in his arms and was attempting to take her coat off of her. She wasn’t enjoying it. In fact, she seemed pretty upset.
“Here.” I said, walking over and unzipping the coat. He kept hold of Alicia whilst I took the coat off of her. “She’s just tired.” I said, commenting on her bad mood. “I'll make her some food and put her to bed. Are you staying?”
He nodded, still not speaking. I just gave him a look and went to make Alicia’s tea. This guy isn’t making any sense. Obviously he wants to stay, but why? Is it just for Alicia? Maybe that’s why he isn’t speaking to me. He just wants to see Alicia. I’m nobody to him anymore. I broke his heart. I broke my own..
I put half a jar of Mama’s Cottage Pie in a bowl and then into the microwave. I just watched it spinning round and round…
“Gabs?” Rhys’ voice behind me made me jump. How long had I been staring at the microwave?!
“Oops.” I said, quickly opening the microwave and taking out Alicia’s way-too-hot food. “Damn.”
“Everything okay?” Rhys asked, still stood in the doorway.
“Yeah, it’s just too hot now.” I said, sticking a spoon in it and walking past Rhys into the sitting room. Alicia was sat up, propped against cushions, opening and closing a musical book.
“I was just wondering if you wanted me to put her in her chair.” Rhys said, almost shyly, still from the doorway.
“It’s okay.” I said, setting the bowl down on the table. I picked Alicia’s bib (which looked more like an apron) up and knelt down on the floor to put it on her. She seemed a bit confused when I took the book away from her, but then she allowed me to put the bib on. I then carefully placed her in the highchair and did the straps.
“Now this is still pretty hot.” I said, looking at the food. It was steaming. “I'll get you some water first. Here.” I gave her the book again, and as I walked into the kitchen I heard the start of Twinkle Twinkle starting. It didn’t take me long to fill her cup with a bit of bottle water and go back through, so her food was definitely still a bit too hot. I guess if I blow on it before each mouthful it’ll be fine.

-

After almost three-quarters of an hour, Alicia was fed and in bed with a bottle of milk. I watched her for a moment, gently sucking on the bottle and playing with her teddies, before leaving her in the darkness to get some sleep. Me and Rhys were now alone, and I wasn’t sure if he wanted that. I wasn’t sure if I wanted that.
“Does she still stay in your room?” Rhys asked, as I gently closed the door.
“Yeah. I wanted to move her but.. well I couldn’t do it by myself with her.” I shrugged and took a seat on the other sofa, crossing my legs and pulling a blanket over myself. “Are you staying?” I asked.
“Do you want me to go?”
“No, I really, really don’t.” I said. I guess it’s better to be truthful.
“You keep asking, it’s like you’d rather I wasn’t here…” He said, looking at the floor.
“Why are you here?” I asked, “I mean, I don’t want you to go… but you haven’t spoken to me in weeks, and now you’re here?”
“I wanted to talk.”
“Go on then.”
He took a deep breath and continued to look away. I waited for him to speak, but nothing happened. He wanted to talk. Why? That usually suggests a reconciliation, yes? Maybe I shouldn’t get my hopes up. Although, I would love to feel whole again.
“If this is talking, then I’ve gone deaf.” I said, trying to sound as serious as possible.
“You hurt me, a lot.” He started, still talking to the floor.
“I know.”
“Do you?” He asked, looking up into my eyes. I took a deep breath.
“Yes.” I said. “Look, Rhys, I’m going to say something now that you’re probably not going to like, but just listen, okay?” I waited for him to nod before continuing. “I don’t regret what happened.” I said, not taking my eyes off him. Straight away he made a movement like he was going to get up. “I don’t regret sleeping with Kris, because it has finally made me realise who I want – and that’s you! I’ve been so confused this last year, Rhys. And now I’m not. Now I finally understand that I want you and only you. But since I’ve understood that, all I’ve felt is pain.” I looked down at my lap, avoiding his stare.
“Pain?”
“You don’t understand.”
“You’re right.” He replied. There was a really long silence. “I didn’t come over here for us to get back together, before you start thinking that.” He said, and my heart seemed to break all over again. I just nodded.
“You’ve come to make it harder.” I stated.
“No…”
“Yes. Maybe it will be easier for you, but already I know it’s going to be so much harder for me now. Oh God.” I stopped talking as tears started escaping from my eyes.
“Gaby-”
I just shook my head, trying to make him stop speaking. If he isn’t here to give us another shot then why can’t he just leave? I feel like I’m about to crumble.
“I can’t be away from you, Gaby.” He said it almost angrily. “You have hurt me so much, but I can’t stay away from you anymore. I just need you…”
“Rhys, if we aren’t going to be together then I can’t see you anymore. At all. I need to cut you out completely or I will never get over you. I will never be able to recover. You remember what it was like with Kris, right? And he was on the other side of the world.” I finally looked him in the eye. The tears weren’t stopping now.
“You can’t.” He said.
“I know, you live at Halls and I’m there a lot… I get that-”
“-No, I mean… You can’t! I can’t just cut you out of my life. I need to see you just to keep myself, well, sane!”
“Rhys, seriously, you are killing me here.” I said, putting my head in my hands.
“I'll see you later.” He said, and I looked up at him. He was shrugging his coat on.
“You’re just going to leave?”
“I’m clearly not doing any good here.” He replied, and it was only then I noticed that he looked very close to tears too. I closed my eyes, hoping that not seeing it would make it go away.
“I’m so sorry.” I said, falling against the sofa and just crying. “I’m so sorry, Rhys. I’m so sorry.” But before I’d finished the sentence, I heard the front door close, and I cried and cried way into the night…

-

“He just left.” I told Lorna. I was sat on her bed in Halls, my legs pulled up to my chest. I’d asked Kris if he could look after Alicia. I was in a worse state than I’d been in for weeks. I felt dead, but all wrong. When you’re dead, pain is supposed to stop. But it’s carrying on. I’m lifeless, but I’m still hurting so much.
“But that’s what you wanted.” Lorna said, trying to make me see the bright side. I just looked at her. I wasn’t crying, but I was close to it.
“I never wanted him to leave. I wanted him to forgive me. I wanted him to take me back. And if I can’t have that then I want him to just get the hell out of my life!” I screwed my hands up in my hair. It hurt a little bit and for the first time it didn’t help.
“You know what’s really pathetic? I actually thought he was going to take me back. Not yesterday, but the day I came to see you at the hospital. The 17th. It was exactly a year since we first got together. I came around here, and I just waited with Alicia thinking he’d finally come to his senses. That he’d remember the last year and think ‘yeah, I want that again’. I’m so stupid..” I was just getting angry with myself now.
“You aren’t stupid. He is. He doesn’t deserve you, Gaby. You’re better off without him.” Lorna told me. I shook my head.
“I cheated on him, Lorna, not the other way around.” I said. Lorna looked at the floor and bit her lip. I guess she knew I was right.
“I’m trying to be the best friend here.” She said with a small smile, and I nodded.
“I feel like I’m going to fall apart, Lorna.” I said, and the tears started to leak now. “I feel like I can’t hold on any longer.” And then I fell forwards so my head was on the bed, resting against her legs. “I can’t breathe.” I sobbed, “It hurts so much. I can’t breathe…” I felt Lorna’s hand stroking through my hair. She didn’t have anything to say – or rather, she didn’t know what to say. It was okay though. I just needed to cry.

Lorna's POV

“Elliot!!” I sang. “You told me the other day you couldn’t wait till I was back and now you’re not even answering you’re door!!” I said hitting the door again. I’d been stood here for a while chapping Elliot’s door. Zak left about an hour ago – he said he wasn’t going to stay last night but I convinced him to stay until I fell asleep. Then he fell asleep first - Then I had actually the best shower I've ever had! Gotten dressed and then decided to go to see Elliot. My first plan was actually to go see Gaby since she’d came to talk when I was just going for a shower but she’d gone to speak to Natalie instead, and it scared me slightly. I finally heard rushed movements inside Elliot’s room. I felt my eyebrows furrow. What’s he hiding? Christmas Presents?! I pushed down the handle. The door opened and my mouth fell open. Oh. My. God. Elliot was stood in his boxers at the end of his bed looking down at, a, a, a girl?! A partly naked girl?! Naked?! Oh my god! Did they?! My eyes hit the floor in embarrassment to see clothes spread everywhere!! Including underwear! Oh my god! They did!
“S-” I stammered. “Sorry!” I turned and left the room and quickly walked down to Natalie’s bedroom and without even knocking I burst through the door, Gaby and Natalie both looked up at me startled.
“Lorna!” Natalie laughed. “Zak said I’d to make sure you took it easy! And you’re back running about like a 4 year old as usual!”
“Elliot!” I practically shouted! Gaby gave me a look telling me to calm down but still laughing at me. “Elliot-” I began more quietly. “had sex last night!” I said, still in complete shock.
“What?!” Gaby smirked. It was the first time I’d seen her look even the slightest bit happy all day.
“Who?!” Natalie burst causing both Gaby and me to laugh at the fact she had no clue who would sleep with Elliot. Poor Elliot.
“I don’t know!!” I said excitedly. “I’m rather annoyed though when I think of all the countless times he came to the hospital and blabbed on for HOURS about space and stars and crap and he didn‘t think to mention that he has a girlfriend?!” I ranted. “Coming through to the sitting room? So we can see her!“ I said turning quickly and walked up the hall followed by Natalie and Gaby. The three of us jumped onto a couch each. Natalie grabbed the TV remote hurriedly. Then Gaby quickly picked up a magazine that was just lying on the table in front of the couch.
“Who is she?!!” Natalie asked again aloud - sounding a bit like Nikki from that season of big brother, years ago - although it sounded as though she’d just meant to think it rather than say it.
“I’m the one that’s not been here for a whole 7 weeks! Has he not had a girl over or anything?” I said looking from Natalie and Gaby and both of them shrugged and then laughed at the fact they had no clue. “He wouldn’t have had a one night stand would he?” I said. “He’s not the type! I mean I was his first like a year ago and I don’t think he’d have slept with anyone since, right?”
“You were his first?!” Natalie asked, going high pitched. “But he’s 21!”
“And?” I laughed. It was then when I noticed Gaby. She’s not enjoying this as much as I thought she would’ve. I hate Rhys.
“Well, Can you say that you lost you’re virginity at 20?!” She laughed knowing of course that that wasn’t true.
“Well, no” I said awkwardly. Kyle popped into my head and I felt sick instantly. Every time that conversation comes up I’ll always have to remember him. That sounds silly. It’s impossible to forget him, to forget what he did to me. But, Natalie made me think back to the days when we were closer than close and we thought we always would be.
“Exactly!” Natalie laughed. A bedroom door opened and we all quickly turned to look down the hall.
“Woah. What’s going on?” Kris asked, sounding quite concerned as he walked up the corridor holding Alicia who’s arms outstretched the second she saw Gaby - who stood up and walked over to get her from Kris.
“Does Elliot have a girlfriend? I asked.
Kris kind of did a half laugh before he answered. “No?”
“There is a naked lady in his room”
“What?!” Kris laughed.
“I hadn’t saw him since I got back so I was chapping the door he wasn’t answering and it’s after 10 so I thought he’d be up and doing something and was just ignoring me so I just opened the door walked in and BOOM!” I hurriedly explained. “He’s stood there looking at this naked - well she had covers round her but still naked girl in his bed!”
“No he didn’t” Kris said with a bemused look on his face. “It’s Elliot” Just as Kris finished his sentence we heard Elliot’s door open and we all just stopped, and turned. The girl left the room first. She was quite petite as she practically skipped along in front of Elliot. Her cheeks were all rosey as she was still clearly embarrassed. Her outfit was lovely; black skinny jeans, a long white floaty top and stunning high heeled shoes. She didn’t exactly look like Elliot’s type but you know, he pulls models!! Her long red hair framed her face perfectly definitely was not as messy as it was 5 minutes ago. She reached the living room turned round, gave Elliot a kiss! Then she quietly said “Phone me when you get home”
I turned to look at Kris who looked as shocked as I felt as the girl gave Elliot a quick kiss on the cheek and turned to leave the flat. The door closed behind her and all 5 of us - including Alicia! - turned to look at Elliot.
“Who was that?” I asked, hyperly.
“Rose” He said dreamily and walked straight into his room.
“Elliot?!” Natalie said quickly but then we heard the door close.
I opened my mouth to speak and physically no words were able to leave it.
“You’ve seriously never seen her before?” I asked, again!
“Never!” Kris and Natalie chorused before laughing.
“I’m scared to go ask” I said, walking over to the kitchen and getting a glass of water. It’d just occurred to me that I hadn’t take my stupid pills this morning and if I’ve not done it before Doctor Zak get’s back I’m in trouble!
“Why?” Gaby asked curiously as she walked over and sat down on the couch with Alicia on her lap facing in toward her.
“Cause I’m his ex” I said, “It’s awkward!”
Natalie, Kris and Gaby all laughed slightly.
“Awww! Are you scared he might compare her to you?”
“Just go find out!!” I said, not letting him wind me up. Kris just sighed not bothering to argue anymore, walked down the corridor and straight into Elliot’s room.
“Right, I better go and finish packing” Natalie said, standing up.
“What time are you leaving at?” I asked.
“3 this afternoon” Natalie said. “I’m getting the train down”
“Okay” I smiled and then sat down beside Gaby. Alicia looked up and me and smiled and my heart melted. I felt bad that Natalie and Elliot wouldn’t have their presents from me until after Christmas but it meant that they’d still have presents to open once Christmas was over.
“You are unbelievably cute!” I cooed.
“Thanks“ Gaby smiled causing me to roll my eyes.
“So what are you and mummy doing for the rest of the day?” I said directly to Alicia. She continued to just smile up at me. She’s such a happy baby.
“Well” Gaby started “Mummy’s waiting on Daddy finishes talking to Elliot now, then while Daddy looks after Alicia she’s going to help Santa wrap up presents” She smiled.
“Ooh” I said. “I’ll be back in 2 seconds I just need to go to my room and get my stupid pills”
“Oh. Are you sore?” Gaby said, in a worried tone. “Sore head?”
“I’m fine.” I smiled. I was getting a bit dizzy but this was the longest I’d been out of bed for a while. She walked Alicia over to the couch and propped her up into a sitting position using some cushions. Alicia looked at me with a big smile.
“Watch Alicia for 2 seconds and I’ll get your pills for you” She said.
“You don’t have to!” I said, but before the words had even left my room Gaby was down in my room. I turned to face Alicia.
It’s amazing how it’s just over a year since the day I found out that Gaby was having Alicia. I was just sat there watching her in amazement. Friends was on and Alicia was fixated even though she probably had no clue what was going on. Alicia shook her arms about with excitement - as the theme tune started up making me laugh - before grabbing onto my fingers. My heart gave a painful squeeze. She looked up at me with her stunning dark blue eyes and simply smiled at me and all I could do was smile back. She was still holding on tightly to my finger. I’d usually be full of “I want ones!” right now. Alicia began to squeeze my finger tighter as she continued to watch and the smile never left my face. Gaby‘s so flaming lucky and she doesn’t even properly realise it. I couldn’t work out who she looked like more whether it was Gaby or Kris. As I sat there watching her I started to get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can’t do this again. I felt tears form at the back of my eyes. I refuse to let myself cry. I can’t keep doing this. There are other ways to have kids but part of me ached inside thinking that if me and Zak were to adopt kid’s the baby would never look like either of us. I felt my eyes well up until the tears were almost tipping over. I won’t cry. I can’t. I made myself focus on the TV again. Joey and Chandler standing talking in their flat about the chick and the duck. Alicia started making noises as if she was talking to them and again my heart gave a another painful squeeze. I want a baby so much. Yeah, before I still wanted a baby but never this bad. Now I felt like something was missing. I was pregnant but now I wasn’t. I couldn’t help but let myself think what me and Zak’s baby would’ve looked like, sounded like, acted like. Thinking about what we would’ve called it. Whether it’d be a boy or a girl. I felt a tear run down my left cheek and I raised my hand and quickly wiped it away. I was so close to having my own one. I could feel my heart tearing to shreds as I thought about it, so close and it’s gone. Dead. The tears began to flow more quicker down my cheeks so fast that I didn’t even think about wiping them. Crying is so stupid. It doesn’t fix anything. I went over the dates in my head. By may next year I should’ve had our baby, so this time next year it would’ve been me & Zak hiding away in the room getting to be santa. Me being the one spending all day long looking for interactive kitchens and cool stuff like that. It was my turn. Me and Zak’s turn. Alicia started swaying to the music slightly and again I smiled. I heard a bedroom door open. God no! I don’t want anyone seeing me like this. Especially Gaby or Kris.
“Sorry, it took me so long, I couldn’t find them" Gaby said as she reached the sitting room. I sniffed and wiped both of my cheeks quickly.
“Thanks” I said, standing up and quickly taking the pills from Gaby.
“Lorna?” Gaby asked. It was obvious that she’d realised I was crying. I walked over to the kitchen and opened the first little container of pills. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing” I said. I wanted to talk about it. Of course I did but I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it with anyone. I mean, I would just make Gaby feel awkward and I don’t want her being awkward around me when Alicia’s there. I couldn’t stand it. And Zak? I can’t bring myself to talk about the baby when he’s there. I’m scared to. He’s bound to be angry with me. It was my fault. He wants kids! It’s clear anytime he’s with Alicia how much he’d love a baby! I’m terrified the subject up will make him realise that I can’t give him that. Yes, he knows it now. And yes, right now he says he’s fine with it. What about later in life with all of our friends start having babies? Is he really going to be okay with it then? I stuck the orange tablet in my mouth and sipped my water straight away.
“Lorna?” Gaby asked. The tears were still running down my cheeks.
“Sorry” I smiled. Trying my hardest to act okay. “It’s these pills they’re messing about with my head”
“Are you sure?” Gaby asked, seeming unconvinced.
“Yeah!” I smiled, wiping the tears away.
“I never asked, what are you doing today?” She said, lifted Alicia up from where she was sat, propped up by cushions, on the couch. Alicia didn’t seem to happy that she’d been moved. She was quite content just chilling and watching friend’s.
“Zak’s just coming back to get me then we’re going a walk and then going to put up Zak’s Christmas tree” I said.
“Are you sure you’re not doing too much?” She asked.
“Zak said that!” I practically snapped.
“We’re only looking out for you” She said kindly.
“Sorry” I frowned. “But I just want to go outside” I paused. “do something else instead of just lying around waiting until I’m back to my usual self again! It’s going to take a while!” I sighed.
“I know” She replied sympathetically, “But you’ll get there”
I gave a half hearted smile and quickly took the other 2 pills I had to take and walked back over to join Gaby in the sitting area.
”So when’s Zak coming to get you?” She asked, just as she’d finished her sentence the front door open and I looked up expecting to see Zak there but instead it was Rhys. I was instantly angry. Gaby had also turned to see who it was and Rhys sort of stopped and just looked at Gaby for seconds before walking straight into his room and closing the door straight away. I heard Gaby sigh a tearful sigh.
”Don’t you start crying” I sort of laughed sympathetically moving closer to her on the couch. Alicia stuck her hands out for me to pick her up and I moved her onto my lap and Gaby’s hand instantly went to her eyes in an attempt to cover up the crying. I hate Rhys. Alicia seems to be becoming more confident with me again. She doesn’t like me as much as she likes Zak and Rhys. I really hope it’s just because I’ve not been around as much as they have recently.
”Gaby!” I frowned. “He really isn’t worth it!”
She shook her head as though what I was saying was I complete lie. I want to tell her. I need to tell her. I know what that guilt is like and I know she would feel so much worse about Rhys and Natalie but! She needs to know.
A bedroom door opened and Gaby almost gasped clearly thinking it was Rhys but instead Kris walked back up the corridor. I stood up with Alicia wrapped around my waist.
”So it turns out that Rose IS his girlfriend” Kris said casually as he entered the sitting area. I saw him notice that Gaby was crying and he looked and me expecting some answers. He mouthed “What’s wrong?” and I shrugged and handed him Alicia.
”Hello” Kris said to Alicia and still Gaby just sat there sobbing. The three of us all looked at her. Alicia didn’t seem to happy that her mummy was upset and neither did her Daddy. I turned away from Kris and went down and sat next to Gaby and she lay her head onto my shoulder. Kris looked at me quite hurt, as if he wanted us to swap places, for him to be the one here comforting her. Right now that’s not what Gaby would want. I gave Kris a look as though I was trying to say I’d try and cheer her up and I think he got the message because he turned and walked back up the corridor. I heard Kris’ bedroom door close quietly.
”Coming through my room so we can talk?” I asked quietly and Gaby responded simply with a nod …

The minute I walked out of the door, I instantly turned into an ice cube.
“I just realised! What are you doing for Christmas?” I asked, watching my feet carefully just to make sure that I wouldn’t fall on the ice. I’d had enough time in hospital already!
“I don’t know. What are you doing for Christmas?” He asked, smiling at me with that cheeky grin and I felt myself smile back. I couldn’t help it.
“Well I haven’t decided yet! But you should be going back to your mummy!” I laughed.
“My mummy won’t mind as long as I go see her over Christmas at some point” He said.
“Really?” I asked.
“I was at halls last year wasn’t I?” He said as though I was thick. Of course I know he was at halls!!
“Yeah … but” I sighed. “If my mum and dad were” I paused, “still here. I don’t think mum would be too happy if I wasn’t back for Christmas!”
“Well, Christmas was never really a big deal in our house” He explained.
“Christmas was really the only time we ever did anything as like a whole family, especially after Adrian and Alyson moved out”
“Wait, Aly moved out?” Zak asked with his eyebrow raised as we continued to walk the streets back to Zak’s flat.
“Yeah, she went to uni and everything well before Mum and Dad died” I explained
“Doing what?” He asked, seeming genuinely interested.
“Nursing” I said. “She dropped out though”
“Why?”
“Well mum had agreed that she’d look after Becky the days that Alyson was at Uni and Aly would just move back in with us for help but then mum and dad had the accident so then there was no one else to help us with Becky. So Aly decided to drop out.”
“Oh” He said. “Why hasn’t she gone back?”
“I don’t know!” I said. “That’s what annoys me, ever since Becky got sick she’s just lived off the inheritance and it makes me angry! She loved being at Uni and it worries me that she hasn’t tried to go back. I brought it up that she should apply when we were on the phone back in April and she just hung up and after that it wasn’t mentioned again.”
“Oh” Zak said, probably unsure what to say.
“Sorry” I said apologizing for my mini rant. “Back to Christmas! What happened in your house on Christmas?”
“Well once Hayley was like 13 we started not getting up till like 10” ~
“WHAT?!” I stated in shock. “10?! But it’s Christmas?!”
“Yeah, it’s Christmas!”
“Zak!” I said, getting annoyed. “But! Santa’s been!”
“We’re not all still 5” Zak smiled using the hand that wasn’t holding mine to fish around in his pocket for the keys to his flat.
“4 actually” I said smugly. I was freezing and I probably looked like a complete idiot in my fluffy hat but Zak wouldn’t let me leave until I put it on. Over protective much? We weren’t too far away from Zak’s now. We only have to turn round this corner and then down to the main door and we’re there! In the heat!
“What do you want for dinner?” Zak asked as we reached the door to the flats. Zak opened it and I followed him in
“I don’t mind” I smiled.
“What do you want?”
“I like surprises” I smiled as we began to climb the final set of stairs.
“Says the girl who almost opened her Christmas presents earlier because she couldn’t bare to wait a week to open them” He said sarcastically.
“But-” I started but couldn’t think of a decent enough response to finish.
I’m not going to lie by the time I got to the top of the stairs I was shattered. My legs were aching but I wasn’t going to tell Zak that. He’d just freak and they’re only sore because this is the longest I’ve walked in ages. We reached Zak’s door and I looked at him expectantly, waiting on him to open the door.
“Why don’t you use your key?” He asked. I didn’t have a clue what to say. I’d given Zak back my key when we …
“I don’t have a key anymore” I said, rather awkwardly. He fished about in his pockets again and he stuck a key with a big key ring attached out in front of me. I smiled. I took the key off of him and looked at the key ring. It was a digital photo frame key ring.
“Press the button” He said and I followed the instruction and pushed the big silver button on the top. A picture of me and Zak appeared, then one of me when I was a baby with my Dad, then one of me and Becky, then one of Gabs and Alicia, then one of all of us from halls last year. This is awesome. More and more pictures kept playing like ones of me and Claire carrying on from years ago! I was just stood there watching them obsessively when I realised I hadn’t even said thanks.
“This is awesome!!” I beamed. Thank you” I said, giving Zak a quick kiss on the check.
“Can you use it now though?” He said, jumping about a bit obviously a bit cold. I nodded excitedly, sticking the key into the keyhole and opening the door. Zak walked in and I just stood there practically hypnotized by this key ring. They were even pictures of me and my grandpa on it from back when I was little and I got a camera for my Christmas and me and Grandpa were posing. The pictures were actually hilarious but it was making me sad. I hadn’t seen him since summer and even then I wasn’t exactly myself. When I’m better I need to go and visit again.
“Lorna?” Zak laughed, interrupting my train of thought.
“Oh Sorry” I smiled about to walk into the flat. “Wait” I said, abruptly coming to a hault, “Vampires need to be invited” I said sarcastically referring back to the comment he made earlier about how I was that pale I was practically a member of the Cullen family.
“Come in” Zak said cheekily and I just smiled again. I’d smiled so many times today but every little thing was making me happy because I was finally out of the hospital. I walked into Zak’s flat and walked straight for the couch and spread right across it.
“Zak I love this couch” I said as my whole body slowly sunk into it. “maybe even more than you” I laughed.
“Thanks” He frowned making me frown too.
“Right Zakky we have” I stopped and looked at my watch, “4 hours before I should head back to halls?”
“What?” He sighed. “I thought you were staying”
“I’d love to stay but,” I paused, “Elliot and Natalie have left. So, Rhys and Kris are the only people at halls, alone so I need to be there to stop one killing the other in their sleep”
“Which is why you should stay here” He frowned. I looked directly behind him and saw a whole lot of presents sat on the floor in the space where he obviously wanted the tree to go.
“Presents!” I smiled. “All for me?!?!” I smirked sarcastically. . As I dragged myself slowly up off of the couch and walked over, hoping that I’d be able to feel my present. I plopped down on the ground beside them and started reading the labels.
“Is mine in here?”
“Do you really think I’m that stupid” I turned round and shrugged cheekily at him and he just rolled his eyes. “Do you want a drink?”
“Yes please” I smiled.
“Vimto?” He asked as he walked through into the kitchen.
“HELL YES!” I said, very loudly. “Sorry. I’ve not had Vimto in waaaaaaay too long” I smiled. I picked up a cylinder shaped parcel and examined the Christmas tree tag.
“What did you get your mum?” I shouted through.
“AWillow Tree Ornament” He said. I could hear him pouring away his glasses in the kitchen. I’d heard about his mum’s Willow Tree collection before. Supposedly they were everywhere and it had started when his dad got his mum one for Valentines day one year and ever since she’d gotten at least one for every birthday, Christmas, anniversary and valentines day since.
“Awww” I said, “What one?”
“It’s like a Christmas themed one” He said as he walked back into the sitting room with a class of Vimto and a glass cola. “I phoned Dad just to make sure she didn’t have it already”
“Smart Move” I said. “Have you got all your presents yet?”
“Think so” He said. I took a drink of my Vimto, tastes even better than usual! Zak moved over and switched on the TV as he continued, “Apart from Alicia’s. Then I ordered the whole Angel Boxset for Gaby the other day like you said. It should be here tomorrow, I think.” He explained. “But I swear if she makes a fool of us for getting her a present from both of us -” He huffed.
“I get to write Lots of Love from Zak & Lorna on the gift tag” I laughed, winding him up.
“It just sounds old!” He said, sounding a tad freaked out.
“Says the guy who wanted us to move in together!” I said, mocking his freaked out tone.
“Still do” He smirked. I just rolled my eyes.
“Maybe one day” I laughed. “Gaby told me that I could get Alicia this musical table thing” I said. “I googled it earlier and it looks so much fun!”
“So she’ll give you ideas but not me” He laughed, as he flicked through the channels on the TV. Gaby said she’ll come with me to buy Zak’s TV tomorrow as long as she could get him a DVD player to go with it so I agreed. She also tried to tell me that a 42” inch TV was a big Christmas present until I explained that it was as much for me as it was for Zak. We’d decided to go shopping tomorrow, if I’m up for it, for a little while only into Chester. Alicia was with Kris so it’d just be a girly day out. I’m quite excited. I felt like it had been ages since it had just been me and Gaby on our own.
“I’ll get you something for Alicia tomorrow” I smiled.
“What am I meant to do all day while you’re not here?” He laughed, sounding as though he was fishing for an invite.
“Well I’m going to sort out your Christmas present so you can’t come!” I said smugly and he frowned. “Go home!” I said. “Then you’re mum’s less likely to hate me for you abandoning her on Christmas day!”
“You make it sound like my mum can’t live without me!” Just as the word came out of his mouth his phone started buzzing.
“I bet that’s your mum” I said, as he moved around awkwardly trying to get it out of his pocket without getting off of the chair.
“That’s just a coincidence!” He laughed as he got off of the chair, slid up his phone and walked through to his bedroom talking to his mummy. He’ll be on the phone for ages! Half an hour at least. He’s got such a good relationship with his mum. I was more of a Daddy’s girl. I stood up too quickly and my hand instantly went to my head as it began to spin. I found my way to the couch and sat down. I was extremely tired and it was only 6. I can’t go to sleep yet. I want to put up the Christmas tree! I stood up, slowly this time, and looked around for the Christmas tree. Maybe I could get the stuff out of the boxes ready for when he’s finally off of the phone. I walked down the corridor and into the big cupboard that was in the hall. It was huge and filled with crap. He might have even hidden my Christmas present in here. I opened the cupboard door and the Christmas tree box fell straight onto the floor. I bent down quickly to pick it up before wincing in pain. I stood back up right and then bent down slowly this time and picked up the Christmas tree. I quickly dropped it again when I saw what was underneath it. A pack of three tiny baby grows. That feeling in the pit of my stomach was back again. I lifted the tree back over and picked up the baby grows. How could something so tiny have terrified me so much. I thought being out of the hospital, everything would get easier but that’s definitely not going to happen. Tears started falling from my eyes yet again. I want to get over it. I want to be done with crying, done with getting upset again over the silliest things but it too hard! I heard Zak’s bedroom door open and I knew that there was no way he wasn’t going to see me sitting here.
“I’m going to Liverpool tomorrow now” He said as he walked out the bedroom. “Mum asked if you were coming.” I could tell by the tone of his voice that he’d realized the cupboard doors were lying open. “What are you doing?” He asked, walking up and moving the cupboard door. He moved it slightly so that he could see me behind it. A puzzled expression took over his face as he saw me just sitting their on the floor until he saw what I was holding.
”Why did you buy these?” I asked. It hurt me that he bought them. Back then we didn’t know if the baby was even his but he was so supportive anyway. “Lorna, what is it you want me to say?” He said harshly. “Do you want me to say I didn’t want you to have the baby?! That I’m glad you lost it?” I just sat there on the ground sobbing. “Because it’s the complete opposite! Lorna, I know you! We were friends before we were anything more than that. You’ve always wanted to get married and have babies! And yeah, when we started being us you stopped saying it all the time but it doesn’t mean you still weren’t thinking it!” He stopped and just looked down at me. I looked straight into his eyes and I could see that I was hurting him.
“I thought we were going to get that.” He continued “Yeah, I know it would’ve been sooner than we wanted but it wouldn’t have meant that we loved the baby any less!“ He paused and sat down on the floor beside me.
“I feel horrible” I said, it was all I could manage as I continued to wipe my eyes. Zak put his arm around me and held me tight, “I was everything but happy when I worked out I was pregnant.” I sniffed leaning my head on his shoulder “I feel horrible because now that it’s gone I feel empty! I feel like there’s something missing! I know that it was months ago but being out of the hospital, being back at halls, back here, it’s just making me think about all the shit that’s happened over the past few months and -” I shook with tears. He rubbed my shoulder and kissed me on the cheek. “Zak, I couldn’t be excited about being pregnant because of my own stupidity, I was terrified it wasn’t yours”
“I knew it was ours. I don’t know how but I just knew” He said, “Which is why I got-” he paused and lifted up the baby grows. I nodded.
“It kills me that the Doctors are saying we might not get kid’s the usual way but there are other ways!” Zak said quietly. “But we need to get you back to normal first before we even start thinking about it!”
“It’s not that that I’m scared about” I said quietly.
“Tell me” Zak encouraged.
“I’m scared that you’re going to realise that I can’t give-”
“Don’t start” Zak cut in. He sounded almost angry. “I need you Lorna. I don’t want a family with anyone else. I don’t want anything with anyone else. Those months when we weren’t together were hell”
“If I hadn’t -” I stopped. “If things had just continued as normal -”
“Lorna, you can’t waste forever wishing things we’re different” Zak said, running his hand through my hair. We were both complete silent. Sitting on the floor entangled in our own thoughts.
“Right, if you’re up for it we have a Christmas tree to put up?” He smiled letting me go, clearly trying to change the subject, “You can’t be sad while putting up the Christmas tree!” Zak smiled, wiping away my tears. He stood up and walked through to the living room. I lifted my hands up and wiped my cheeks.. The next thing I know Christmas songs are blaring from the iPod speaker in the kitchen. I smiled.
“I don’t want a lot this Christmas. There is just one thing I need. And I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree. I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know, make my wish come trueeeeeeeeee” Zak sang - completely out of tune. “Alll I want for christmassss is youuuuuuuu!!!!!” Zak appeared back In the hallway looking quite daft with a santa hat placed on his head, pointing at me as he destroyed the high note and made me laugh. He came down the corridor and stuck his hand out to pull me up off of the floor. I took his hand and he pulled me up with his usual cheeky grin to join him.

Gaby's POV

“Are you coming to Blackpool for Christmas?” Becka asked me. It was almost 11pm, and I was texting her saying I was wide away so she decided to ring me.
“I sure am.” I said happily. “I think I’m coming tomorrow.”
“You think?” Becka asked, sounding quite confused. I smiled.
“Well, things are sort of complicated here right now. It’ll be easier to explain in person. And I think Kris is coming too so I need to wait for when he’s ready..” I stood up and walked with Zak’s, now wrapped, dvd player through to the sitting room. All my presents were done. Alicia’s were in a nice small pile to the side, and everyone else’s were stacked next to it.
“Oh, Kris is coming?”
“Yeah... I’m not exactly pleased about that myself to be honest. But he wants to see Alicia for her first Christmas, and I can hardly say no..” I explained. I heard Becka give a small laugh.
“Let me just get this straight. Alicia’s Dad, Kris, is the same guy you got majorly depressed over that time; left you and went to Australia; slept with you and caused your current boyfriend to break up with you; and dresses like a girl?” She was giggling. I took a deep breath. That actually stung a little bit.
“Yes.”
“And you’re saying you can’t say no to him coming?” She asked, like I was dumb.
“Well, I can’t!” I said, confused.
“Gaby, this guy has broken your heart about a million times this year. Don’t make it so he feels like he can walk all over you.”
“I’m not. Listen, Beck, you don’t know the full story.”
“And you can’t tell me whilst he’s here, can you?” She sounded like she knew she was being smart. “Do you actually want him here for Christmas?”
“Not for me, no. But I want him there for Alicia.”
“Maybe you should just put your foot down.”
“You aren’t making any sense!” I said quite loudly. She just laughed a bit.
“I’m just saying. This guy makes you unhappy…”
I didn’t reply. Does he make me unhappy? Yeah, I’m pissed off right now. But that’s my own fault. I kissed Kris. It was me who said I wanted us to have sex, not him. Although, I know he was thinking it, but that doesn’t count. He is always waiting for my permission. And I’m always the one hurting him… But Becka’s right. He does hurt me. Thanks to him, my heart has broken because of two different people this year.
“I'll think about it. I should really try and catch some Z’s.”
“Okay, well tell me when you’re here!”
“Will do. Bye.” I put the phone down. Yes, it was nice to talk to Becka, but that conversation has definitely put me in a bad mood.

-

I walked into halls quietly, Alicia was asleep in my arms. She’d nodded off in the car as I’d come over, and I didn’t really want to wake her. I carefully lay her on the sofa and put a blanket over her. Then I pushed the table up against it so she couldn’t roll off anywhere and put the tv on. I didn’t know who was in. Elliot and Natalie left for Christmas yesterday. I know Lorna’s still about somewhere, and so are Kris and Rhys.. But I don’t know who else is.
Someone was definitely in though. The door was unlocked… And then a door opened, and someone came out. Probably to check a burglar wasn’t in here or something.
I looked up and really wished I hadn’t.
“Oh… Hey.” Rhys said, pausing at the end of the corridor, giving me half a smile. He’d clearly only woken up recently, because he was still wearing pyjama bottoms and a vest top.
“Hi.” I couldn’t say much more. I was looking at him like he was a brand new species. Stupid me! Rhys looked away and his eyes focussed on Alicia and he smiled. Strange how something so simple can make me want to burst into tears.
“I hear Kris is going to Blackpool with you?” Rhys asked, and I could hear the bitterness in his voice.
“Well, yeah.”
He just nodded and walked into the kitchen to make food.
“Is he in?”
“No, it’s just me.” Rhys answered.
“Great..” I said quietly. I don’t think Rhys heard. I really don’t want to be left alone with Rhys right now. I feel like I’m about to burst into tears.
“Could you please keep an eye on her. I need to use the bathroom.” I said, already walking out of the room. The tears were flowing down my face, thick and fast, before I’d even managed to close the bathroom door. This is so stupid. And I feel so hot and clammy right now. I filled the sink with cold water and splashed my face. Who cares about make-up right now! The room was spinning. How can love do this to you? Make you honestly feel like you’re about to die? I feel like I’m just going to be surrounded by black and never wake up. It’s closing in on me..

-

“Gaby!” I felt warm hands touch my head, which was throbbing. I could also feel a stabbing pain in my right leg. Ouch, what happened? My eyes were closed. Or were they? Everything was dark anyway. I can’t see.. I can hear, and feel, but where’s my sight gone?
“Okay. Right. Okay..” It was Rhys’s voice I could hear, and he was definitely panicking. “Come on Gaby, open your eyes.” His hand squeezed mine and that feeling caused my eyes to ping open. It took a second for me to focus on him, but when I did he looked relieved. I was lying on the bathroom floor, soaking wet.
“Oh. What happened?” I asked, trying to sit up but he pushed me gently back down.
“Just don’t move, okay?” He genuinely seemed concerned. I tried not to concentrate on that factor.
“You’ve not gone and called an ambulance on me, have you?” If he had, I’m going to die of embarrassment.
“I didn’t have time to. I found you about 30 seconds ago.” He smiled, still holding my hand. It was nice. I closed my eyes and smiled myself. Maybe I’m dreaming. If I am, I like this dream.
“Good. Don’t.”
“You feinted.” He told me. I opened my eyes.
“I sort of gathered that.” I said, “Can I please sit up now?” He gave me a wary look, but pulled me up gently at the same time. My head span a little, and I had to put my hand out to stop myself from falling back. I took a deep breath.
“I’m fine.” I said as Rhys watched me cautiously.
“I'll go get you some water.” He was standing up already.
“No! Wait. I’d rather be through there. Please?” I was already standing myself up. My legs were shaking, and my right leg was still in agony. I looked at it and saw blood. “What?!” I said, looking around to see why I was bleeding. My eyes focused on the nail scissors lying on the floor next to 3 toothbrushes, toothpaste and a cup. Oh. I’d clearly knocked them off as I fell. Stupid thing. I rolled my eyes and just carried on walking through to the kitchen. There was a stupid slash in my leggings now too. My day just gets worse, doesn’t it?
“Gabs..” Rhys was right next to me as I slowly wandered back through to where Alicia was still sleeping. I paused at the entrance, leaning against the wall. Wow, I’m drained. And then the breath was knocked out of me as Rhys swooped me up and carried me to the sofa.
“Oh.. That helped the stomach.” I said sarcastically, putting my head in my hands. Queasiness. This is so not fun!
“Sorry.” Rhys said. He was already in the kitchen getting me a drink. “Here.” He said, giving it to me, and I started to drink. He was staring at me, so worried… And then he looked at me leg.
“Did you do that?” He asked, staring at it.
“Yeah, I don’t really remember doing it, but I gue-what?” I asked. His head had snapped up and he suddenly looked much more than worried. He looked disgusted. And then I realised why. “I didn’t cut myself!” I said loudly. “I mean, well, I did. But when I fell! I didn’t, like, purposely go in there to cut myself.” I wanted to laugh. I must’ve looked a real good sight in there. Lying on the floor, passed out, scissors not far from my hand and a bleeding cut on my leg. Perfect.
“How do I know that?” Rhys said, looking at the floor.
“Hey, I’m not the one who does the freaky let-me-look-in-your-eyes-and-I-can-tell-if-you’re-lying thing. And anyway, if I had cut myself, why the hell would I also cut my leggings? That’s just a crime against fashion.” I smiled at him, to show I wasn’t angry with him for judging. And he warily smiled back at me.
“Do you believe me now?”
He nodded slowly. “I'll go get you a plaster and stuff.”
“Oh. Right, yeah.”

He’d already walked away. I looked at Alicia. She was still fast asleep, curled into a little ball. I wish I was a baby again. Not a care in the world…
Rhys came back with a moist piece of kitchen roll and some plasters. I went to take them off him, but instead he placed them on the coffee table behind him and started rolling my leggings up himself.
“I can do it.” I said, pulling the leggings up a bit higher than he’d left them.
“I’d rather you just relaxed right now.”
“Right.. you’d rather.” I said bitterly. This is going to drive me insane later on. He’s acting like he cares again.
“What time are you leaving today?”
“No idea.” I said, sighing.
“Kris went out at about 10ish. He didn’t say what time he’d be back.” Rhys said, not looking me in the eyes.
“Ahh..”
“I just thought you’d have made some kind of plan.” Rhys said, putting a plaster on my leg now.
“I don’t speak to Kris much these days.” I told Rhys as he pulled my leggings back down.
“You speak to him more than you speak to me.” He said, putting one hand on my knee.
“Not by choice.” I said, moving my legs so they were on the couch too. I felt uncomfortable with Rhys asking me these questions. I looked at the floor, hoping he’d just give up and walk away now. If we’re over, it would be easier if he just left me alone… My heart stopped when he actually did stand up. He was leaving me, just like I’d wished. Except all I really wanted was for him to stay here... But he didn’t walk away. Instead he knelt next to me on the sofa, took my face into his hands and kissed me. Of course I kissed him back. I kissed him until I literally couldn’t breathe, and then when I pulled away for breath I refused to let him go. And he didn’t stop. He kissed my neck and I just clung to him tighter until his lips found mine again and we started all over. This time I pulled away sooner.
“What’s going on?” I asked, and I was shocked to find my voice sounding so sad.
“No questions. I love you.” He said it so quickly I almost didn’t notice that his lips had ever left mine. He held me tighter and pushed me back so I was lying down. And then without hesitation, his hand slowly moved down my body until I let out a gasp and he started sucking on my neck. I was gripping onto him tightly, my hands clenched in his hair, and then he kissed me and my whole body relaxed again. This was definitely a dream. I’m still unconscious on the floor. I must be. This doesn’t happen anymore. Rhys doesn’t love me…
But then his hand on my back, pulling me closer to him, made me realise my imagination is not this good. I’ve never dreamt anything that’s been this pure.
“Oh my God.” I gasped and Rhys kissed me again. I just wanted this to last forever and ever. But of course, it couldn’t.

Alicia started crying. I pulled away from Rhys’s kiss and practically pushed him off of me, sitting myself up.
“Oh, Alicia!” I jumped up and picked her up, pulling my top down at the same time. I can’t believe that Rhys made me forget my own daughter was still in the room. “Shh, shh.” I said, bouncing her a bit so she’d stop crying. It didn’t take her long to settle. I turned to look at Rhys. He was sat with his head in his hands, but when I looked he looked up and smiled at me. And I stupidly started crying!
“Hey! Why are you crying?” He said, standing up and walking over to me. I could feel both him and Alicia staring at me.
“Because, I’m so god damn happy right now and I know that any second now you’re going to start regretting any of that happened.”
“What?”
“And I don’t even blame you. I’ve been a cow. I cheated on you with Kris!” I said, not looking directly at him.
“Yeah..” He said slowly.
“I mean, how the hell can you trust me now? I’ve been such a bitch.”
“Gaby, what are you doing?” Rhys asked, forcing me to look in his eyes. His eyebrows were raised and he had a smirk on his face.
“I’m making sure you still remember who I am before you make me feel extremely happy and then take it all away.” I said, and then Alicia giggled. I frowned at her, but couldn’t help smiling. She knows how to break the tension.
“I’m not saying I forgive you..” Rhys started, “But I love you so much. And I don’t blame you for what happened.”
“What? I’m the one to blame!” I said confused.
“No.. Kris is.” Rhys said, and I rolled my eyes. “Look, Gaby. Everyone, including me and him, knew you still loved him.”
I frowned. How did everyone know when I was so sure I didn’t?
“So the fact that he took advantage of you being drunk is what I’m angry about.”
“No, Rhys, that’s not the way it happened..”
“Gaby!” He said my name loudly, “Are you honestly trying to drive me away?”
I shook my head. “I’m trying to make it stop hurting.”
“What do you mean?” He asked, concerned. He stoked my face and the long lost butterflies returned.
“I feel so unbelievably guilty. I need you to tell me it’s all my fault. I need you to hate me, just so I can stop being so hard on myself.”
“So you don’t want me to give you another chance?” He asked, confused.
“I said need, not want. I want you to stay with me forever, but I don’t know how that’s going to work out if you don’t scream at me for being such a bitch.” I admitted, giving him a small smile.
“I already have.” He said.
“You haven’t screamed at me.”
“I thought I’d been bad enough.” He laughed, and I shook my head.
“No where near-”

“-Hey! I thought I was gonna miss you!” Lorna interrupted, walking through the door followed by Zak. Rhys took a few steps back from me and I saw Lorna’s nosey eyes stare him up and down.
“Nope, still here.” I said, smiling and putting Alicia down on the floor. Zak tilted his head to the side and stared at me.
“What happened to your leg?” He asked, sounding concerned. I looked down. There was no blood there, just a gash in my leggings.
“I cut myself.” I said, “Not in the insane way!” I hurriedly added on as Lorna’s mouth had opened in shock.
“I don’t get it?” Lorna said, looking confused.
“She feinted.” Rhys said, and I glared at him. Good way to stop them worrying I’m insane – make them think I’m ill instead!
“What?!” Lorna gasped.
“Thanks a lot.” I said sarcastically to Rhys. I went to walk over to Lorna but had to stop because I got dizzy. Rhys put a hand on my elbow to steady me.
“Are you alright? Have you been crying?” Zak asked, leaning against the back of the sofa.
“I’m fine. I’m just light headed because I’m hot, that’s all.” I said, pulling my arm roughly out of Rhys’s grip.
“If you’re sure..” Zak sounded less concerned now. He walked into the kitchen and started opening the cupboards, clearly looking for something to eat. He doesn’t even live here anymore!
“I’m going to have a shower.” Rhys said, walking past me and brushing his hand against mine as he did. My heart skipped a beat, and I couldn’t help but smile. As he left the room, my eyes focussed on Lorna, who was frowning at me.
“Can I speak to you please?” She asked, her eyebrows raised. I looked down at Alicia, who was opening and closing a nursery rhyme book.
“Yeah, sure. Zak can you watch Alicia?” I asked as I followed Lorna through to her room. He nodded, his mouth full of someone else’s cold pizza.

I closed Lorna’s bedroom door and instantly she turned on me.
“What just happened?” She asked, about an inch away from me. I opened my eyes wide.
“You’ve got scarier since you left the hospital.” I said, ducking away from her and going to sit on her bed.
“I’m serious, Gaby. You have a huge smile on your face!” She said, yet she didn’t seem happy for me at all. Was I still smiling now? I can’t tell.
“I just.. I talked to Rhys, that’s all.”
“Your hairs a mess.” She stated, and I turned to look in her mirror. My hair was a mess, and I also had hardly any make-up on.
“That’s just because I was out cold for a bit earlier.” I said, shrugging. She bit her lip.
“Do you know why you feinted? The real reason?” She asked, sitting next to me on the bed. I gave her a look.
“What do you mean the “real” reason?”
“I’m just thinking.. Last time you feinted, well..” She trailed off.
“What?” I asked confused.
“Gabs, it was because you were pregnant.” Lorna said, looking me straight in the face.
“Oh.” I said, before laughing. “Yeah, but-”
“You can’t be, right?” She said, seriously. I laughed again.
“No. I mean, I haven’t had sex since-”
“-Kris.” Lorna finished, and I stopped laughing. Why had I forgotten me and Kris slept together? I was just speaking about it with Rhys!
“Oh.. No…” I was shaking my head. Trying to do multiple calculations at the same time. Yeah, I had missed a couple of periods, but it’s impossible I’m pregnant again!
“Did you use protection?”
“Yes! Like, every kind! He had a condom, and I’m breast feeding.” I said. My breathing was getting faster. What if I am pregnant, again? That is bad news. I can’t handle having 2 children before I’m even 20. I don’t want to be that girl! Especially not with Kris! Rhys would never forgive me, and I’d end up hating the child because it would be a constant reminder of what happened. Oh my God.
“When were you last on?” Lorna asked, tilting her head to the side.
“A couple of months ago.” I said as tears leaked out of my eyes. “But, this isn’t the same as last time. If I am pregnant, I’d already be three months in so I’d have gained some weight and had morning sickness and-”
“-all pregnancies are different, Gabs.” Lorna reminded me. “Look, I have a couple of pregnancy tests left over from when.. well-” She stopped and looked away from me. “You can check now.”
“Rhys is in the shower.” I said, wiping my eyes. Lorna was already rummaging through a drawer She stood up straight, a box in her hand, and listened for a second.
“No, he isn’t yet.” Lorna said, holding the pregnancy test out to me. I took it slowly, my heart beating faster than it ever had before. What am I supposed to do if it’s positive? Abort it and tell no one? Can I do that?
“I’m so scared.” I said, as more tears leaked from my eyes. Lorna just gave me a sympathetic smile. I shoved the box up my sleeve and kept my arm close to my side before leaving the room. The bathroom door was just closing.
“Wait-” I said it as loudly as I could but it still came out quiet. I quickened my pace and knocked on the door, pushing down on the handle before he could even lock it.
“Want to join me or something?” Rhys asked, turning around and giving me a confused look. I frowned and shook my head.
“No, I need to use the bathroom.” I said, walking further in and motioning for him to leave. He was staring at me now.
“Are you okay?” His concern made me want to let the held-in tears slip out.
“I don’t know yet.” I said, closing my eyes. “Please?”
“Sure…”
I opened my eyes to see Rhys leave the room and shut the door behind him. I waited a couple of seconds before walking forwards and locking the door. Then I pulled the box out of my sleeve and read the instruction.
“Wait 2-3 minutes…” I whispered as I read it out. That’s going to feel like eternity.

-

My fingers were drumming against the side of the bath, over and over again. It’s got to have been at least half an hour now? Surely! But my phone hasn’t changed time in forever… Maybe it’s broken. Maybe it’s frozen. I looked up at the clock on the wall. That had the same time on it too. I knew this would be the longest 3 minutes of my life time. My head was spinning. I feel like I’m going to feint again. And then my phone started beeping. 3 minutes…
Slowly, I stood up and walked over to the sink where I’d left the test to rest. I picked it up. There was a small, pink minus sign there. What did that mean? Pink usually means positive, but minus usually means negative? More tears slid out of my eyes as I fumbled with the instructions sheet to find out what I was looking at. Finally I found the symbols part, and my body stopped shaking with tears and instead started shaking with laughter. I wiped the tears away and smiled at myself, getting worried over absolutely nothing. Of course it was negative! I’d know if I was pregnant. I know I would. I covered the test in tissue and shoved it in the bin, washed my hands and then left the room. Rhys was leaning against the sofa at the other end of the hall, watching me as I came out. I saw him concentrate on every step I took - clearly trying to figure out if I was okay or not – as I walked back to Lorna’s room. As soon as I got in there I shut the door and leaned up against it.
“Ahhh.” I sighed, smiling and closing my eyes. The relief washing through me right now was insane!
“So?” Lorna asked, sounding quite confused. I just smiled at her.
“You scared me for no reason.” I said, rolling my eyes.
“It was negative then?”
“Yes! Thank God.”
“But then, why were you feinting? Why haven’t you had a period? Gabs, this sounds more serious!” Lorna stood up quickly.
“No, it sounds like I’m not back into my routine after being pregnant and just had a light headed moment. I have been stressed recently, you know!”
“Yeah… Maybe.” She had that look on her face. Like she was doing some quick thinking of her own whilst she chewed her lip.
“What?” I asked. Something was on her mind..
“Well, you’re… you’re not back with Rhys are you?” She said it in a very judgemental way. I grit my teeth together. That was a conversation change..
“And if I was?”
“I’d tell you to find someone better.” Lorna said, seeming angrier herself.
“Well I’m not Lorna, but I’m thrilled to know that if I was you’d be so happy for me! Your Christmas present’s in Kris’s room.” I said, opening the door and slamming it shut behind me. I just got way angrier with her than I should have, but who cares!
“Something wrong?” Rhys asked, still leaning against the sofa except now he had Alicia in his arms.
“No,” I sighed. “Everything’s just perfect.” I said sarcastically, holding my arms out for Alicia. So much for my good mood.