Best Friends Tell Each Other Everything

Lorna's POV

I.Want.To.Sleep! I had been up since 5. I didn’t want to wake Zak so I’d managed to drag myself through to the couch but I still couldn’t sleep and what happens when you can’t sleep, you think! There isn’t anything worse than me thinking at the moment. I always end up down the same route. Tying myself in knots! Getting angry at myself for what I’ve done; getting angry at Kyle for what he did to me and the only other thing that I could seem to think about while trying to get my mind off it was Gaby and Rhys. I thought it was over! That I didn’t need to worry anymore about Rhys telling her about what he did but no, that’s not going to happen.
My attention turned to the TV again, One Tree Hill. I know, I’m pathetic watching it again but what else is there to watch at this time in the morning. Zak probably won’t be up until at least 10.
Gaby’s leaving today back to Blackpool taking Alicia and Kris with her. I was happy that she would be away from Rhys; A whole month without him. I know that it won’t happen at all but part of me really hoped that it would help her get over him.
“Lorna?” Zak said, sleepily as he walked up the hallway before slumping himself down on the couch beside me.
“Oh crap” I said, sitting up. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up”
“What’s up babe?” Zak said. “Why are you up at ….?” He paused and swung his arm up sleepily looking at his wrist obviously forgetting that he wouldn’t be wearing his watch.
“Half 6?” I asked, quickly looking at my phone. “And, I don’t know I just woke up”
“And decided to come through here and watch” He looked at the TV for a few seconds before sighing. “One Tree Hill?” He asked. “I swear you love that TV Show more than you love me” He laughed.
“Three words Zakky; Liverpool Football Club” I smirked and he smiled. I swear him loving a team of muscly men is more concerning than me being repeatedly watching a TV Show.
“Whatever” He said leaning back on the couch. He lifted up his arm and wrapped it around me and I moved in and leant my head on his chest.

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“Lorna!” Zak said, shaking me slightly. My eyes popped open and Zak was holding my phone in my face.
“Aly’s on the phone” He said, give me a look as though he was pleading me to take the phone away from him. He must have ended up speaking to her.
“Oh” I managed before taking my phone and sticking it up to my ear.
“Hi” I said sleepily.
“Hello!” She asked. “Do you mind if I come over tomorrow on my way down to London? Just to drop off your presents” She continued.
“I suppose” I laughed. “What time will you be down at?” I turned round and saw Zak’s eyes widen with panic and I laughed.
“Depends when I leave” She said. “I’ll text you when I’m leaving”
“Oh Okay” I said. “Wait! If you’re going to London, what’s Neil doing for Christmas?”
“Going to his Mum’s” She said happily.
“Oh” I said. “Wait, I thought Adrian was working?”
“He is.” She sighed. “But he’ll be done at night and it’s the first Christmas we’ll be together in ages so it’ll still be alright”
“You’re making me jealous!”
“You are not coming! You’re not fit enough to come down to London! Just stay there with Zak. I’m pretty sure he’ll look after you” She laughed slightly. “If you want we’ll come up and see you next week. Adrian has the weekend off.”
“Yes!” I said enthusiastically.
“Okay” She said sounding happy. “I’ll look at hotels once I speak to Adrian tomorrow”
“Hotels?” I said. “Don’t be stupid! You can stay here!” Zak’s eyes widened in shock again and he began shaking his head in panic. Then he frowned. He has a point. Next week I will regret it but I should see them! They are my siblings, no matter how much I dislike them sometimes.
“Are you sure?” She asked.
“Mm Hmm” I agreed.
“Okay” She said happily. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow. See you then. Love you”
“Love you-“ Before I had even finished what I was saying Alyson had hung up. What a bitch! I hung up my phone and my hand fell to my lap and I looked up at Zak in fear.
“So” Zak started. “Alyson’s staying over then?” He said irritably.
“And Adrian” I said guiltily. “Sorry! I just feel bad because I never see them”
“Lorna, Are you forgetting that any time your sister is in Hollyoaks, you two always manage to fall out?!” He sighed.
“It’s the festive season?” I said, doubting my own excuse. He had a point but she’s my sister! And she’s spending Christmas all by herself! He just rolled his eyes.
“What time is it?” I asked.
“Half 10” He replied. He was annoyed at me. I could tell. Oops.
“Right!” I said cheerfully trying to lighten the mood. “Your Christmas Present needs wrapped!”
“What is it?” Zak tried.
“Like I’d actually tell you!” I replied. “I’m not that stupid!”
Zak just smiled so I rolled my eyes in return.
“I really need to go and get ready” I said. “Do you want to come with me to halls so that I can get my stuff?”
“Stuff” Zak asked.
“Well, I’m staying here until people start coming back to halls” I said.
Zak forced a sight making me laugh. “That’s like a month!”
“Said the dude who wanted me to move in!”
“Well now you practically are!” He laughed. “Anyway, I suppose I’ll come. I can pick some dvds that aren’t One Tree Hill!” He replied and rolled my eyes. I’m pretty sure Claire has got me the new season for my Christmas so he’ll be stuck watching it! “I can get my tv in the boxing day sales!” He said excitedly.
“Yeah” I smiled, getting excited about his reaction when he opened his TV on Christmas day.
“Right I’m going to go get ready! Your present is hiding at Gaby’s” I smiled. He looked at me suspiciously.
“So for some reason you can’t hide it here?”
“Mmm hmm” I smile . Well to be honest I could but he’d most likely see it!
“So if I saw it I’d know what is was instantly?”
“Maybe” I laughed. “Stop guessing!”
“Okay” He said. “I’m going to go for a shower!” He stood up quickly and went through to the bathroom. Before I could reply I heard the door close behind him. I’d just said I needed to get ready!!! I stood up and marched through to the bathroom. I pushed the door open just as Zak threw his boxers.
“What are you doing?!” He said, slightly panicked. His hands instantly went down to cover his … area?
“What are you doing that for?!” I laughed. “Like I’ve not seen you naked plenty of times before!”
“I’m going for a shower!”
“So was I until you stole it! So now I’m just gonna be a pain and stand here and brush my teeth!”
“Fine!” He huffed, opening the shower door and getting in. I picked my pink toothbrush off of the side of the sink and squeezed a little bit of toothpaste onto the brush. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was still rather pale and I looked really tired. I could actually sleep forever. I jumped slightly when Zak burst into song. Football songs?! Seriously! It did make me smile though. My dad used to sing football songs most mornings when I was younger. Just to wind my mum up. It drove me and Aly mad. It’s funny the things you miss when people are gone.
“Change the song” I muttered with my mouth filled with tooth paste.
“You can’t invade into the bathroom and then tell me what to sing in the shower!” He huffed. I sighed and frowned before turning back toward the sink quickly pretending as though I was in the huff.
“You’re a fallen star, you’re the getaway car, you’re the line in the sand when I go too far, you’re the swimming pool on an august day and you’re the perfect thing to say” Zak sang in tune! Everything by Michael Buble. My favourite song, ever. My jaw dropped slightly before a huge smile appeared across my face.
“Much Better!” I smiled.
“And you play it coy but it’s kinda cute, ah, when you smile at me you know exactly what you do, baby don’t pretend that you don’t know it’s true cause you can see it when I look at you!” he pulled the shower out the holder and started using it as a microphone making me laugh. The most surprising part was that he knew all of the words!
“And in this craaaaaazy life” I began to sang with him and I could see the smile forming on his face. “And through these craaazy times, it’s you, it’s you” I began to use my toothbrush as a microphone this time. “You make sing, You’re every word, You’re every line, You’re everythiiiing!!!” We both looked at each other and just smiled.
“I love you Zakky!” I beamed. “That was much better than Liverpool songs!”
“Noo” Zak laughed and again I rolled my eyes before going back to brushing my teeth. Ahhh, I love him.

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“Where’s my hair dryer?” I shouted to Zak as I walked up the hall. I swear I brought it with me. Last night was the first night since I was out the hospital that I had slept over at Zak’s flat. It was good. We watched the telly for a bit. Then just lay in bed together, talking for hours. As I reached the top of the hall I realised that Zak was talking to someone. Probably on the phone to his mum, again.
“So, what’re you doing for Christmas?” A man, who wasn’t Zak, said. I stopped dead at the top of the hall. I didn’t hear anyone come in. If someone is there I am not going through with my hair like rats tails. Not when I don’t know them!
“I think we’re just staying in the flat this year” Zak said in reply to the man’s question.
“Listen to you!” The voice said. Whoever the man was he was from Liverpool. “We!” He scoffed. I laughed slightly and peeked my head around the corner to see who Zak was talking too. He was sat on the couch with his laptop sat on the table. I’m gonna take a guess and say that he’s talking to his brother – Caleb – over Skype. The tips of Zak’s ears had gone red with Caleb’s last remark.
“Whatever” Zak said, sounding sort of annoyed. How cute!
“You know I’m just jealous!” Caleb laughed. Caleb’s in the army and unfortunately he’s based in Afghanistan for over 8 months of the year. He was home for 2 weeks in the summer. Just around the time when I slept with Kris. “Mum’s convinced that you’re gonna end up marrying Lorna. She was saying yesterday that she wants to be a granny before she’s 55” He laughed, definitely Caleb. A lump appeared in my throat at the mention of Zak’s mum’s wanting to be a granny. “I’m the older brother! I’m meant to get a proper girl first! It’s just too bloody hard when you’re only in England for 2 weeks at a time!”
“When are you next back?” Zak asked, as though he was trying to change the subject. Zak hated what Caleb did for a living. Who wouldn’t?
“For Julie’s wedding in a few weeks” He said. “Are you going?” Zak nodded.
“Bringing Lorna along?”
“Yeah” Zak said. When did I agree to this?! Who’s Julie?!
“When did you ask me this?” I asked out loud causing Zak too quickly turn. I must’ve given him a fright. I heard Caleb laugh.
“I didn’t” Zak smiled. “But you wouldn’t say no to me” I walked over to the couch and bent over the back of it and waved to Caleb. He waved back. I had seen pictures of him before but watching him on webcam made me realise how much he looked like Zak. Well how much Zak looked like him. They were hardly identical but you could tell they were related.
“Well I suppose I’ll come” I said.
“See!” Zak smiled and gave me a quick kiss and I smiled and saw Caleb laugh again.
“I guess, I’ll see you at Julie’s?” I questioned the name. “wedding then?” I said to Caleb and waved again before heading into the kitchen. Zak went back to chatting to Caleb and I went into the kitchen and opened the fridge door. She wants to be a Granny before she’s 55 what Caleb had said wouldn’t stop running through my head. I hadn’t even thought about Zak’s parents, Caleb and Hayley being an aunt and uncle.
“Zak! What do you want for breakfast???” I shouted through.
“She even makes you breakfast?!” Caleb sighed. “Definitely jealous!”

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I chapped Gaby’s door before walking straight in. She knew I was coming. I was oddly nervous after this morning at halls. I thought she was pregnant! I was convinced she was pregnant. Part of me wanted her to be! It would be Kris’s. Rhys wouldn’t go back to her, not if she was having another child with him. But no. There’s nothing stopping them getting back together. It’s such a coincidence that Rhys is suddenly trying to get back together with Gaby the second after Natalie’s left for a month!
“Hello” I announced loudly as I stood in the living room alone. I sat the massive bag with all of the presents – for Alicia, Gaby and Kris – down below the Christmas tree where all of the other presents were sat. “Hellooooooo?!” I repeated elongating the word this time hoping that Gaby would hear me.
“Hi” Gaby said as she walked through from Alicia’s room into the living room with Alicia in her arms. “It’s in Alicia’s room” She said, talking about Zak’s TV.
“I thought we were going to hang out for a bit!” I sighed.
“Don’t have time just now” She muttered. I guess I was lucky she’d let me come over to wrap the TV in the first place. She wasn’t exactly happy with me earlier at halls. She cannot get back with Rhys. She just can’t. I can’t watch them be together and act like nothing is wrong anymore. “I need to get packed for later. I’ve hardly got any of Alicia’s things ready!”
“Do you want a hand?” I smiled.
“Sure” Gaby said. “Can you go through to Alicia’s room and lift the packet of nappies that hasn’t been open from below the changing table please”
“Okay” I smiled walking through into Alicia’s bedroom. Her bedroom is actually adorable. I walked over to the changing table and picked up the nappies. It was then when I noticed a guys jacket lying in the hall. I didn’t think anyone else was here! And Kris would not wear something like that! Rhys!
“Has anyone else been over to say bye?” I asked curiously as I walked back up the hall and handed the nappies to Gaby. Gaby stopped putting Alicia’s toys into the bag and looked up at me.
“Is that a roundabout way of asking if Rhys has been over?” Gaby asked. She was still annoyed about what I’d said earlier. I knew it.
“No.”
“Well he’s the only person who is likely to be coming over to say bye. Except Zak and you know that he’s coming over later! You know what he’s doing every second of the day.” She muttered. I couldn’t think of anything to say. “Since you two got back together as though nothing happened” I opened my mouth but no words came out. “And just because you’ve had a bad couple of months everyone seems to have forgotten what you did.” My eyes fell to the floor. “It’s not fair” Both us stood there in silence for seconds before Gaby started up again. “Even you and Zak are acting like nothing has happened! You’ve gone straight back to the way you were before the summer!” Gaby explained. The room went back to silence again. Even Alicia was quiet. I guess she could sense that we weren’t just having a chat. “Why are you so selfish?!” Gaby asked, tears streaming in her eyes. “I was happy that you and Zak got back together! You two go together” She paused. “Just like me and Rhys.”
I opened my mouth to respond but Gaby started speaking again before I had the chance. “I can see how much you love him Lorna and how happy he makes you! But you’re just too self-involved to see that that’s how Rhys makes me feel!” She lifted her hand up to her eye and wiped away the tears. “I sat and listened to you cry and cry over Zak for months. Don’t you remember the pain? How much it hurts? I thought you would understand more than anyone how this feels? That he still loves me even after what I did?!” Gaby continued. “He’s willing to give us another chance and you’re trying to ruin it.” She paused to wipe her tears again. “It’s not fair!”
“Don’t give me any crap about what’s fair Gabs” I said. She opened her mouth as if she was going to speak but then stopped. I bent over and picked one of Alicia’s toys up off of the floor. “Yeah, I got Zak back but I’m not going to get any of this.” I said, looking around the room; the pram sat in the corner, the box of toys and books lying over there by the couch, the nappies, the changing mat and all of the other things for Alicia. The room was silent. “Yeah, you’re pissed off that I’m not as happy as you want me to be that you and Rhys are talking again, but I’m sure that one day you’ll be pretty peed off when he turns round and hurts you, not just you but Alicia too” I sighed.
“Rhys would never hurt me.” Gaby said calmly but still making it clear how annoyed she was. It made my blood boil. I wanted to scream what I knew. Shout it as loud as I could but I couldn’t. It would kill her.
“He’s not right for you Gaby. I just wish you’d listen.” I looked at Gaby and she looked so angry at me. “I’m sorry but he –“ I stopped and shook my hand. “You’ve not only got you to think about you’ve got Alicia as well. Any guy you go out with isn’t just hurting you he’s hurting her too!”
“Rhys loves Alicia” Gaby said defensively.
“He does” I grudgingly admitted, sitting down on the arm of Gaby’s couch. “I just –“
“It doesn’t matter what you think” Gaby stated cutting me off. Her eyes were all watery but her expression had changed. She was now more angry than upset. “I don’t care what you think.” The words actually hurt me. A lump appeared in my throat. “In fact I’d rather you left.” She walked over and opened the door. “Go back up to messing up your own life and stop trying to ruin mine” I stood up off of the chair and did as Gaby asked and walked straight out of the flat without looking back.

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I opened the door to Zak’s flat and marched in throwing my bag on the couch and accidently hitting Zak who was sat there watching the TV.
“Ow” He smirked but I didn’t even smile. “I didn’t think you’d be back as soon.”
I sighed irritably and walked through to the kitchen, opened the fridge and poured myself a drink; slamming all of the doors - to the cupboards and the fridge – as I went.
“What’s up babe?” Zak said, walking into the kitchen. “The cupboard doors didn’t do anything to you!”
“You know I hate when you call me babe, babe!” I smirked as I poured the coca cola into the glass.
“You secretly love it!” He smiled. Okay, he has a point. It has grown on me over the past year.
“Mmm, Sure” I said as I screwed the lid back onto the top of the bottle. I turned around to put the bottle back in the fridge before spinning back round to see that Zak had stolen my drink.
“Hey! That’s mine!” I sighed.
“Yeah but in your rage as you walked in you didn’t even ask if I wanted anything” Zak said. “So I just stole yours!” He said holding the glass in his hand. I snatched it back off of him and walked through into the living room and fell back onto the couch.
“Are you going to tell me what Gaby’s said to put you in this mood?” Zak said.
“Oh nothing” I said, making it clear it wasn’t nothing. “We just had a stupid fight” I explained.
“Well she’s leaving for Blackpool in around an hour so I think you should phone her” Zak said sympathetically. He had a point but she doesn’t care! Does she?!
“Not a chance!” I said harshly. My mood had definitely changed dramatically since this morning.
“You need to speak to her before she leaves. She’s away for like a month!” He said. “And it’s Christmas!”
“Stop trying to make me feel guilty!” I sighed. Zak would probably be on Gaby’s side if I told him what happened. I can’t tell him about Rhys. He’d tell Gaby and like he’s just said it’s Christmas!
“What did she say?” Zak asked. There’s no point explaining. He wouldn’t get it.
“What are we doing on Christmas Day?” I asked, trying to change the subject in a very obvious way.
“Sleeping in until a decent hour” Zak said. Not a chance. “And then get up, open presents and then I don’t know”
“What are we eating?” I asked. It’s Christmas Day. Food’s the best part, apart from the presents obviously!
“I don’t really care about the whole dinner, Just as long as I get the best bit, the roast potatoes!”
“No. Sausages wrapped in bacon!” I said.
“You mean Pigs in Blankets?” Zak asked.
“Yeah! They’re the best. Mum used to make extra and then give them all to me!” I laughed. “Alyson would only ever eat this carrot and orange soup, that mum would make for like a starter. It was actually vile! And then Adrian would just have like 4 of everything! He’s always been able to eat all the time and stay skinny. I swear he grew up the way instead of out the way the more he ate” I smiled. “Sorry” I laughed. I hadn’t meant to go on a tangent. “I just miss the way Christmas used to be” I sighed, leaning my head on top of Zak’s shoulder.
“This is the first Christmas just you and me! We can start new traditions” He smiled. “Like getting up at a decent hour!“
“Sure” I said sarcastically. New traditions were a nice idea though.
“You won’t be able to get out of bed if I-“ He paused and put his arms around my shoulders and held me really really tightly. “never let you go!” I started to laugh. He really wasn’t going to let me go.
“Ahh, I love you Zakky but that is not going to work! ” I said, managing to turn my head to give him a kiss on the cheek. “But, if you let me go I’ll be able to give you a MUCH better kiss!” I whispered in his ear and he eased off a bit.
“See! You’ve got NO chance of not getting up early to open presents!” I said, standing up off of the couch but Zak took my hand and pulled me back down onto the couch and looked into my eyes. We sat there for a seconds just looking at each other. Uh oh. Zak moved in closer, I moved in and our lips touched. As clichéd as it is I could hear the fireworks. I lay down on the couch and our lips never parted, not that I wanted them too. We hadn’t kissed like this, in, in forever. It was definitely leading somewhere. No …
I can’t. Not now. I continued to kiss Zak. I didn’t want it to stop but at the same time I needed it to. Since I left the hospital Zak hadn’t seen me without clothes on. He hadn’t even seen me without a top that had sleeves. I was embarrassed of myself, not embarrassed more ashamed. Yes, the bruises were eventually clearing up but there were scars that probably never will. We continued to kiss and it was perfect but it had to stop.
Uh Ohhhhh, Hey Hey began loudly coming from my phone in my pocket. Zak began kissing me harder telling me he wasn’t going to let me answer it. The song continued from my pocket and I moved my hand and tried to pull my phone out while my lips were still locked with Zak’s. I got my phone and brought it to my ear. Zak broke apart from me and looked at me with real disappointment on his face. I quickly turned away, stood up and walked through into Zak’s bedroom.
“Hi” I said to Gaby on the phone. It was only now that I remembered our argument from earlier.
“Hey” She said awkwardly. There was a silence as I wasn’t exactly sure what to say in return. I mean, she doesn’t care what I think when she really needs to listen to me. “Do you want to come over and see Alicia before we leave?” She asked trickily.
“Sure” I smiled. “You have no idea how glad I am that you phoned” I admitted.
“Yeah, I didn’t want to go away for Christmas with us not speaking” She said.
“When do you want me to come over?”
“Now?” She asked. “We’re going to leave at around 2 so that Alicia will sleep in the car”
“Okay” I replied. “I’ll just walk over now!”
“I’ll?” She asked. “Are you not bringing Zak with you?”
“I don’t know” I said bluntly. “See you in a bit”
“Byeee” She said and the line went dead. I sat my phone down on my lap and sat there for a few minutes. What was I meant to say to Zak? I don’t want to have sex with you. That’s going to go down well. It was times like this that made me wonder how the hell Zak puts up with me. I mean I know people say “How does Zak put up with you” a lot but meaning just my general hyper fits and things but how does he put up with me now. I haven’t been the same since I left the hospital. I keep going through phases where I’m okay and then phases where all I want to do is sit around and cry and he clearly wanted the kissing to go further and I completely blew him off to answer my phone. Worst. Girlfriend. Ever.
I stood up and walked, slowly, through into the living room. Zak had moved into the kitchen. I tried my hardest to be quiet as I sat down on the couch.
“What did Gaby say?” Zak shouted through from the Kitchen. I heard the kitchen sink running. He was obviously doing the dishes. This is not what I expected at all.
“She was wondering if we wanted to go over and see Alicia before they leave”
“Alright” He said, I heard the kitchen tap switch off and Zak slowly walked through to the livingroom again. “Ready” He said.
“Same” I replied. I didn’t know what to say. I was confused. I expected him to be annoyed at me at least make some comment or something but he said nothing, nothing.
“Thank you” I randomly blurted out causing Zak to turn round swiftly to look at me.
“For what?” He asked. I stood up and walked towards the front door where Zak had begun to move forward too.
“Putting up with me I guess” I sighed. “I just,” I paused. “I don’t-“ I didn’t’ know how to phrase it.
Zak held his hand out and took hold of mine. “You’re not ready yet. I get it” He smiled and gave my hand a squeeze. I smiled slightly before pulling Zak out of the front door behind me.

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“Are Harriet and Neil going round to your mum’s as well?” I asked Gaby as I bounced Alicia up and down on my lap. It was making her laugh.
“I’m not really sure” Gaby replied. “Probably” She smiled. “What about you and Zak?” She asked. “Just you two?”
“I think so” I smiled.
“Just make sure you don’t stay in bed all day” She laughed. I forced a smile.
“Hmmmm” I smiled suspiciously.
“Any other bags that you need me to put in the car while you just sit here on your fat arse and talk to Lorna?” Kris smirked as he walked back into Gaby’s flat. Alicia smiled the second she saw him. How cute!
“No. I don’t think so” Gaby smiled.
“Where have you left Zak?” I asked.
“He told me to come and ask if there was anything else to go in the car” He said. “No need to panic!”
“He spoke to you?” I asked, almost excitedly.
“He was only being civil” Kris sighed.
“Oh” Kris walked over toward me and stuck his arms out to take Alicia. “How long will it take you to drive to Blackpool?” I asked.
“We’re stuck in a car with Mummy for a whole 2 hours!” Kris said more to Alicia rather than me.
“More like Mummy’s stuck with Daddy” Gaby said, standing up and taking Alicia off of Kris and starting to put her jacket on her. Poor Alicia wasn’t happy about this at all. “Go and tell Zak there’s nothing else to go in the boot! Unless you can fit in there” She said to Kris cheekily. Kris gave her a dirty look and then walked down the stairs again.
“Thanks again for the presents” Gaby smiled.
“Thank you for the presents” I smiled in return. “Hope you have a really good Christmas! Oh! And make sure you take loads of pictures of Alicia!”
“I will and I will” Gaby said.
“And make sure she doesn’t change too much in a month!” I said. I want her to stay a baby forever but that’s not going to happen!
“I can’t help that” She laughed.
“Is Kris staying with you for the whole month?” I asked. I felt like crossing my fingers!
“I hope not” Gaby replied.
“You don’t mean that!”
“I really do” She said harshly. I was shocked. I hope Rhys doesn’t go to Blackpool for a visit over the holidays!
“Can I have one last cuddle before you leave?” I said, holding my hands out for Alicia to come to me but instead Gaby sat Alicia down on the couch and gave me a hug instead.
“Awww!” I said as I gave Gaby a hug. “I meant Alicia”
“I do know that” She laughed. I smiled. We broke apart and I picked up Alicia and gave her a hug. She laughed at me and then grabbed my nose. I laughed.
“Have a good first Christmas!” I smiled at her and then gave her a kiss on the cheek and handed her back to Gaby. I wonder if she’ll like the wrapping paper better than her presents just like Becky did when it was her first Christmas.
“Phone Kris and tell him we’ll just meet him down at the car.” Gaby said before quickly hurrying through to her room for something.
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“Bye!” I frowned as I hugged Gaby again for like the 5th time. Alicia was now in her car set in the back of the car with a massive frown on her face because her mummy had taken her away from Zak. I’m pretty sure Alicia loves Zak just as much as I do! “I hate goodbyes!” I sighed.
“This is pathetic!” Kris said. “You keep saying goodbye to each other as if you’re not going to speak for a month when we all know you’ll be texting each other again as soon as we’re out the car.”
I smiled knowing that that was completely true as did Gaby, Zak and Kris.
“You’re just jealous I haven’t gave you a hug yet!” I said smugly.
“So true!” Kris said sarcastically and stuck his arms out for a hug. I hugged him quickly just in case Zak got annoyed. I went back over and stood beside Zak again who had just gave Gaby a hug.
“See! Now it’s just awkward because we’ve all said bye like a thousand times” Kris said as he opened the passenger door of the car. I rolled my eyes.
“Have a good Christmas”
“You too” He said. Gaby began to walk round to the other side of the car and got in. Zak and I stood at the grassy bit beside where the car was parked and watched them do their seatbelts up. The engine started and Gaby began to reverse out of her parking space and all of us lifted our hands to wave in unison as Gaby drove off.
“It’s just you and me now Zakky!” I turned to him and smiled as we headed back in the direction of Zak’s flat.

Gaby's POV

Kris was in charge of my iPod. This was never a good thing. One, because none of my music was the kind of thing Kris would ever enjoy listening to. Two… Because none of my music was the kind of thing Kris would enjoy listening to!!
“Selena Gomez? Gaby how old are you?” Kris’ eyebrows were raised. He scanned through the list, most likely looking for the heavy beat music he’d enjoy. I do have a couple of those kind of things. Bit of Prodigy, little of Pendulum…
“Look, if you don’t like it just put yours in.” I said, my eyes firmly fixed on the road.
“I don’t have an iPod.” Kris said, and I felt, rather than saw, his glare.
“Exactly. So shut it.” I said, and at that moment he put Rihanna on. He turned it up loud, and my hand automatically turned it down with the button on the steering wheel.
“Hey!” Kris objected. I took a look behind me at Alicia. She was just beginning to close her eyes, her hands clutching tightly to her favourite stuffed elephant, Alvin.
“Alicia’s going to sleep.” I said, turning my head back towards the road. “And I’d like it to stay that way so she’s at least quite cheerful for my Mum. You know what she’s like around strangers.” I said, still not looking him in the eyes. I heard him turn around in his seat, probably to check on her himself.
“She looks so cute with Alvin.” He said, and I could sense the smile on his face. Of course he was happy she was cuddling Alvin. Since she was a newborn, Alicia had a stuffed dog called Russell who she loved, a lot. I bought her him, and you have no idea how happy I was when she finally accepted him as her own and refused to let anyone take him off her. Then a week ago Kris bought her Alvin. Alvin! Seriously, pick a male name closer to Alicia, why don’t you?! Yes, Alvin is extremely cute… for an elephant. But still! She had Russell. She didn’t need Alvin.
“Uh huh.” I said, pretending I was concentrating on the road. I looked at a sign. I didn’t really read it. I know exactly where I’m going. I’ve taken this route so many times before.
“So, Lorna was saying you and Rhys are back together.” Kris said, trying to start a conversation. I pretended I didn’t hear him and started singing the chorus of the song.
When I didn’t reply, he continued, “I’m not going to lie, I don’t like it.”
“I didn’t ask for your permission Kris.” I said, biting my lip. I don’t want to argue. This next month is going to be bad enough as it is. I don’t want to make it worse at the very beginning.
“No, I know you didn’t.” Kris said, a low laugh sounded between his lips. My teeth ground together.
Just ignore him…
“So when did it all happen?”
“It didn’t.” I replied quietly. It really is none of his business. Can he not tell I don’t want to speak to him about it? Him, the person that caused this huge riff in mine and Rhys’ relationship.
“What? Lorna said-”
“Since when has Lorna been the Goddess of Knowledge?” I said snidely.
“Ooh, someone’s tetchy today!”
If he didn’t shut up in a minute, I was actually going to pull this car over and push him out of it. I do not want 4 weeks of this. 4. Whole. Weeks.
“So, shagged him yet?” Kris said, after a minutes silence. I almost slammed my foot on the breaks. Almost.
“I swear to God Kris..” I let it hang, hoping he could see from my expression that I wasn’t in the mood. As I turned to check the road, I saw the mocking smile on his face, and all I wanted to do was turn around. Turn around and stay in Hollyoaks over Christmas. At least there I can stay away from him.

-

“Hello?” I called out as I walked with Alicia into my house. It’s strange how I still call it my house, when I haven’t stayed here for longer than 2 months in over a year.
“Gaby?!” Naomi’s excited voice sounded from upstairs, and within seconds she was sprinting down to see me. I stuck out one arm to give her a hug without us both squeezing Alicia.
“How you doing sib?” I asked, as she pulled away and automatically reached out for her niece.
“I’m fine.” She said, already in awe over Alicia. I couldn’t help but smile. Alicia was already starting to whimper a little bit. She doesn’t remember Naomi, so to her she’s just a stranger. But Naomi handled it. My 16-year-old sister just lifted Alicia up, told her there was no way she was handing her back to me and then gave her a cuddle.
“Where’s Kris?” Naomi asked, still looking at Alicia and not me. This is what I was going to get all Christmas. No eye contact, just speech whilst everyone focused on the baby.
“Just getting stuff out of the car.” I said, walking further into the house. “Where’s Mum?”
“Oh, she’s gone out somewhere.” Naomi replied, sitting on the sofa with Alicia. I watched as she moved her, her hand firmly on her head. I forgot she hadn’t seen her since she had a wobbly neck.
“She can old her head up now, by the way.” I said, laughing at Naomi.
“Oh.”
“Hello?” Kris walked in after a couple of taps on the door.
“Hi Kris!” Naomi said brightly, flashing her teeth at him. They seemed unusually white.
“You’ve had your braces off!” I said, pointing out the obvious. They looked so straight! Mine weren’t and still aren’t anything as straight as that.
“Yeah! You like?” She gave me a smile, and I could tell she was trying to make me jealous. I just glared at her.
“I hate you sometimes.” I said, my eyes still narrowed.
“Yup, exactly. See, this is how she tells me I’m pretty.” Naomi said to Kris, a mocking smile on her face. I just rolled my eyes. She’s such a loser.

“So how was the journey?” Naomi asked. Kris looked at me and I turned away.
As he answered, “Fun!”
I answered, “Long…”
“Oh, mixed reviews. Bit of a lovers spat, eh?”
“No lovers. No spat.” I replied, standing up. “Does anyone want a drink?”
“No thank you.” Naomi answered before focussing on Kris and asking, “So how did you ever put up with her?”
I had to leave that room. I hate it when I meet up with people I haven’t seen for a while. Even though she is my sister, it’s always question after question. And I'll get the same thing from Mum, then Harriet, then Juliet, then Becka, then anyone else I frickin see! And I hate it. So much.
When I heard Naomi laughing and then Kris’ rapid speaking I realised I didn’t want to be here. Not with Kris, not without Kris. I want to be away from everyone. Screw Christmas. I just want to be with my baby girl in our home.
“Gaby, you alright in there?” Naomi asked, before giggling again. I tilted my head back and turned the tap on.
“Yeah.” I said, short and sweet. I filled a glass with water, took two swigs and then poured the rest away. And then I walked back into that room.

-

“Merry Christmas!”
I looked at the time. 6:30am. Jesus, who the hell in their right mind calls someone at 6:30 in the morning on Christmas! No, scratch that. Lorna wasn’t in her right mind, so I couldn’t say that.
“I am going to kill you.” I groaned, before sitting myself up in bed. I looked down at the end of my bed and into Alicia’s travel cot. She was sleeping soundly still, thank god. After this quick (and I mean quick!) phone call, I am going back to sleep for as long as she allows me. Because Alicia isn’t really used to this place, she didn’t exactly sleep much last night, nor any other night the last 2 weeks. In fact, when she finally let me put her into her cot it was 4 in the morning. So really, Lorna is being a right pain in the arse!
“Cheer up, it’s Christmas!” Lorna said, and I could here the desperation in her voice. I’m guessing Zak had told her to piss off and let him sleep.
“Yeah, well Alicia finally went to sleep two hours ago. I’m not ready to wake up yet.” I said very quietly. I’m so scared she’s going to wake up. Yes, I want her to enjoy her first Christmas. But no, no way was I willing to let her wake up this early!
“Oh, sorry.” Lorna started whispering too. “I thought you’d be getting up soon anyway. And I was bored. I'll let you sleep.”
“Thanks Lorna, Merry Christmas.” I said, yawning and putting the phone down. I rolled over and closed my eyes…
Then Alicia woke up.

-

“No way! That’s brilliant.”
“I know!” I heard Kris joking with Juliet in the other room. I’d just finished getting myself and Alicia officially ready for Christmas. I was wearing a nice skirt and tights with a casual black long sleeved jumper. Alicia was wearing a silvery-grey dress. I wanted her to look dressy, as it was her first Christmas. She smiled at me happily as I picked her up and we walked through, closer to the rest of my family who she’d grown to love. And Daddy, of course.
“I cannot believe you did that!” Juliet sounded shocked, and was smiling widely. Kris was nodding and laughing
“Did what?” I asked, my nosiness getting the better of me. I sat Alicia on the floor (surrounded by cushions) and gave her some toys to play with.
“Kris was telling me how him and some friends from highschool once played strip knock-a-door-run.” Juliet said, wiping the tears out of her eyes. I wonder how they got onto the conversation of stripping!
“Ah.” I said, clearly showing I wasn’t interested. Juliet had taken me to the side the day before to tell me I was acting like a complete bitch towards Kris. I hadn’t explained why, and I wasn’t planning to, but if I did she’d understand. I watched her as her happy eyes narrowed and she silently warned me.
“So, what time are things getting started?” I asked, taking a seat at the table.
“Well, Mum’s putting the turkey in the oven now. Harriet’s just taken Naomi to a friends house to drop off a present, then they’re coming round with Eloise.” Juliet explained, smiling. I nodded.
“Neil not coming?”
“Yes. He is.” She said, smiling. I hadn’t seen Neil in around a year. I know he’s met Alicia, because she’s been here when I wasn’t, but I hadn’t seen him. Last time I saw him I was pregnant, actually.
“Cool.” I said, trying to smile. It was hard to feel happy when I was in a place I really didn’t want to be. Juliet eyed me suspiciously, and Kris watched her do it. He knew me too well, which means he knows her too well too. Everything I do, I’ve learnt from Juliet. She was the one I followed when I was a kid. The person I wanted to be… Until she disappeared and became a porn star.
“Erm, when do you guys usually do presents and stuff?” Kris asked, probably trying to break the tension. I looked at him.
“Probably 2ish.” I said, glancing at the clock. It was just gone 1.
“And you eat at…?”
“Between 3 and 5. It changes yearly.” Juliet said, smiling. I wanted to slap her one. She hadn’t been at one of our family Christmases for over 5 years. For all she knew, we didn’t eat till 8 o clock now. I wished so desperately it wasn’t Christmas day. So far, everyday, I’ve made an excuse to leave this house and go visit different people or take Alicia to random places. I just keep needing to get out. Kris has asked me, more than once, if he could come with me. And I’ve made some excuse about how it’d be awkward, and how if he wants to see Alicia I can just leave her with him. I know I’m being rude. He is in a house, with… well, strangers! But I don’t want to be around him or any of the rest of my family.
I stood up, “Excuse me.” I said, walking out of the room. I trust them to look after Alicia, and I needed to get out before I said something I regret.

Kris followed me out of the sitting room and up to my room. I acted like I wasn’t bothered about him being there and just started searching through drawers. I wasn’t even looking for anything. This was called acting.
“Will you please explain what’s wrong?” Kris asked quietly, closing my bedroom door. I slammed a drawer shut and looked at him.
“Who says anything’s wrong?” I asked, just as quietly. I started walking up to him. “Everything’s just fine Kris. I’m surrounded by my family with all their petty questions. I’m surrounded by you. You! The one person who has made me cry more than anybody else this last year. I’m-”
“Stop talking.” Kris said, stepping closer to me and narrowing his eyes. “Just stop.”
“Why? Why stop now?” I asked. “I’m finally explaining to you what the hell is up, so do not tell me to stop.”
“This is Alicia’s first Christmas! Stop being so negative. Stop acting like you’d rather be anywhere else but here. Start smiling, and start getting excited. Please.” He tried to take hold of my hand but I snapped it away in a heartbeat.
“As long as you stay away from me.” I muttered, not looking him in the eye.
“Deal.” He said quietly.
Deal…

-

The snow was sticking outside as we finally settled down to have our Christmas dinner. Juliet lied to Kris. We didn’t eat between 3 and 5. It was now 7 o clock, and Mum was just laying the table. I put Alicia in her cot to sleep about 10 minutes earlier, and she was still screaming the house down.
“Sorry.” I apologised, tucking myself into the table. “She’ll probably calm down soon. I hope.” I said, smiling around the table.
“Don’t apologise, we expect it.” Mum replied, putting a scoop of stuffing onto my plate. The thought of eating was making me feel a bit sick. I picked up my fork, looked around and then took a small bite of a roast potato. I put my fork down, took a deep breath and a big drink of water.
“You alright?” Kris asked. He was sat opposite me, eyeing me up.
“No, I feel a bit sick actually.” I said, pushing my chair back. The smell of food was making me feel queasy. “I’m sorry, do you mind if I go through to my room for a bit?” I asked, standing up.
“Oh darling, I’m sorry you don’t feel well.” My Mum said, and she sincerely looked sad.
“Go lie down.” Harriet agreed. I smiled and walked out of the room and through to my own. Alicia was still screaming, so I picked her up and held her close to me. She relaxed instantly.
“Go to sleep baby girl.” I whispered soothingly. Now that I was away from the food I felt much better. But the lack of sleep still made me tired. I lay down in bed with Alicia, and within minutes I’d drifted off to sleep, Alicia laying next to me.

-

The sound of Alicia crying woke me up. I rubbed my eyes and stared above me. And then I knew I was dreaming.
For starters, this was not my bedroom back at home. From the colour of the ceiling, the distant chatting and the constant bleeping, I knew I was in a hospital room.
Secondly, I distinctly remember falling asleep in my bedroom. There’s no way in hell I could have ended up in a hospital over night.
I sat myself up, seeming unusually refreshed. How long had it been since I’d slept all the way through the night? 2 weeks now?
“Hey.” Kris stood up immediately from a chair next to me. I frowned. If this was a dream, then it was definitely a nightmare, just because of the fact Kris is here. I looked around for Alicia. She wasn’t here. But I could hear her crying. I swear that’s her crying.
“Where’s Alicia?” I asked out loud. I couldn’t handle the confusion.
“Your Mum took her outside. She’s talking to a nurse.” Kris said, taking hold of my hand. I pulled mine away from him and started laughing.
“Who knew a dream could be so boring..” I said aloud without thinking. I looked around me. This was really such a basic hospital room! No tv, no armchair. Just two scabby little chairs - that I can only describe as being suitable for a classroom – and a sink. I went to brush the hair out of my eyes, only to feel a tug in my hand. Oh, I was attached to an IV.
“What?” Kris was looking at me like there was something seriously wrong. I’d never seen him look like that before. Not really..
And that’s when I realised;
I’m not dreaming.

Panic started to bubble up inside of me. What happened last night? Because it was definitely day now. I could see the sun streaming through my window. I looked at the clock. It was gone 3. In the afternoon? But I went to bed at 7pm. No way had I slept a whole 20 hours. But what if it wasn’t 20 hours? What if it’s actually been months? What if I’ve been in a coma for reasons as yet unknown? I looked around, at the bag holding the fluids going into my hand. Was that just a drip to hydrate me? Or medicine for a serious illness?
What the hell is wrong with me?!

“Gaby.” Kris took my hand again. I think he could see how aware I was suddenly becoming. I closed my eyes tight.
Think, Gaby. Come on. Think!
Nothing…
“What am I doing here?” I asked slowly, taking a deep breath. My voice cracked so I coughed loudly.
“I don’t know.” Kris answered, and I could tell he was being truthful. “Alicia was crying hysterically, so I came through to check on her and you were just… asleep. You wouldn’t wake up.” He told me, and he pulled my hand up to his face and kissed it. I pulled mine out of his.
“When?” I asked. He’d avoided this part. Or maybe he hadn’t. Maybe it was just my ridiculous imagination that this all could’ve happened months ago.
“Last night.” He said confused. I sighed in relief, before smiling. “Why are you happy?”
“You made it out like I’d been in a coma for months.” I said, happily. I was happy. This is such a strange moment for me. I’ve been miserable for 2 whole weeks, and suddenly I’m immensely happy?!
Maybe I should almost die all the time.
“I'll be right back.” Kris said, putting my hand back on the bed and stepping out of the room. It was a whole five minutes later when a young man walked into the room.

I say a young man, he was older than me. Maybe 25, or 26. Very young, and very handsome. Brown hair that flicked in different directions. Grey eyes that I knew would tell nothing but the truth. Straight teeth to match a perfect smile..
And then I saw his badge. Joshua Sloane, M.D.
So this is my doctor then, eh?
“Gaby?” He asked, looking at a chart in his hand. I raised my eyebrows.
“Seriously? You’re going to be treating me?” I asked, a hint of humour in my voice. He smiled at me.
“Why?”
“I just find it crazy that someone who looks like they could’ve gone to school with me is going to be treating me for… For whatever’s wrong with me.” I said, smiling.
“I assure you, I’m fully qualified.” He said smiling.
“So, Doctor Sloane…” I said, sighing. “What seems to be the problem?”
He pulled up a chair next to my bed. Something was serious.
“We took a blood test, just to check things were alright.” He started. The way he was speaking! It made it sound like I was already dead.
“I’m guessing you found something bad?” I asked. I mean, jeez! State the obvious.
“Nothing too bad. I just want to ask a few questions first.” He said, smiling at me. It was so reassuring, I found myself nodding before what he said really settled in.
“Have you ever taken drugs?” He asked, tilting his head to the side.
“The illegal kind?” I asked, and he nodded. “No.”
“Do you smoke?”
“No.”
“Drink?”
“Hardly.”
“And you call yourself a student!” He joked, and I couldn’t help but laugh. Once I stopped he sighed. I could tell it would be a serious conversation from now on.
“When was the last time you ate anything?” He asked, tilting his head to the side. That I was not expecting. Although I suppose I should have.
“I don’t know, yesterday morning for breakfast? I haven’t been feeling well recently.” I said, which was the truth. I haven’t been eating because it makes me feel sick. There’s no lying there.
“Ms Lawson,” oh, so I wasn’t Gaby anymore.. “Your blood results show that you haven’t eaten anything for at least 48 hours.”
“I told you, I haven’t been feeling well.” I repeated, mechanically.
“They also show that your body is extremely malnourished.” Dr Sloane continued. I shook my head. I knew what I was doing. I wasn’t going to let them tell me what to do again. I wasn’t going to let them take me away again.
“I skip a couple of meals here and there. I don’t have time to eat as much as I used to. I’m busy.” I tried to make up a pathetic excuse.
“Gaby, I’m not going to lie to you. If you keep this up you will be dead within a month.” He told me, and I could tell he was being deadly serious.
So I burst into tears.
He put an arm on my shoulder.
“I’ve called someone from psychiatrics to come down here and speak to you. We’ve also given you a.. well, a kind of treatment, to make you better.”
“That stuff, basically food in an IV drip?” I asked, tilting my head to the side. He nodded. I wiped my eyes. “Is this patient confidentiality, or does all my family know?”
Dr Sloane gave me a reassuring smile. “This is patient confidentiality. However, I do advise you to tell them.”
I started to shake my head, but he continued. “I know something like this can be hard, but anorexia is easier to overcome with family support.”
“No!” I shouted, and then I started laughing. “Have you seen me? Listen doc, I’m sure you feel like you now me super well because you’ve got my old chart but this is not anorexia. Trust me. I’ve had it before.” I said, and I was still smiling. Because for once in my life I knew he was wrong and I was right.
“This is the early stages of-”
“Early stages my arse!” I said, “Listen to me. I’ve had the therapy, and I don’t want to go down that road again! Ever. I know what I’m doing. So what if I’ve been feeling sickly around food recently? That doesn’t mean I’m never going to eat again. Thanks so much for your help, but I’m declining your medical advice.”
Doctor Joshua Sloane stood up. “I’m putting you on a psychiatric hold. You can either stay here till a psychiatrist sees you and keep it a secret from your family, or I put a security guard outside your door.”
“I'll stay.” I promised. There was no way I was getting everybody worried over nothing.
“Okay, you fainted and we don’t know why yet. Probably just dehydration, but a specialist will be coming down to ask questions later.” He said, and I smiled at him. He smiled back. I couldn’t help but think maybe he really cared about my opinions…

-

“Hello Ms Lawson, it’s nice to meet you.” A blonde woman said as she walked into my room. She also had a chart in her hand and a badge which identified her as Clarissa Mae, M.D.
“Nice to meet you too.” I said, smiling. Already she scribbled something down. It made me anxious. What if she was writing down that I needed to be admitted because my greeting wasn’t kind enough?
“So, I’ve spoken to your Doctor.” She started, taking a seat next to me. “He seems to think you’ve been stopping yourself from eating.”
I paused, thinking about my answer. How many times have I had this conversation now? Fifty? A hundred?
“Not stopping.” I told her truthfully. I have eaten, just much smaller meals than normal. “I haven’t been feeling very well the last few weeks. I eat, but sometimes it makes me feel a bit sick.”
“Do you throw up after eating?” She asked me. I started shaking my head.
“Not usually, no. I first thought the reason for my queasiness was because I might be pregnant. But I’m not… So I don’t know. It just makes me feel a bit yeauk sometimes, when I eat.” I explained. I was only telling her the truth. I was just avoiding some parts.
“So you don’t purposely avoid food?”
“God know.” I said quickly.
“But you have in the past?” She asked gently. “We have your medical history. You’re a recovering anorexic?”
“Yes. Recovering. I promise you, this isn’t anorexia.” I said, and I made sure my face stayed straight. I am not taking that path again, ever.
“I haven’t said it is.” She smiled before asking, “Do you still go to your therapy sessions for your anorexia?”
“No.” I admitted. It was the truth. I stopped when I went to Hollyoaks.
“Why not?” Dr Mae asked. She wasn’t judging me, she merely sounded interested.
“Because I went to university, and I discussed it with Dr Lomax, my therapist, and she agreed that after 4 years of therapy I should be alright.”
“Okay.” Dr Mae smiled. “Have you ever relapsed before? In those 4 years.”
“Yes.” I said again. I took a deep breath. “It first started when I was 14, and then I relapsed at 16.”
“I see.” She took some notes. “And have you ever felt a reason to harm yourself?”
Oh no…
“Excuse me?” I asked, pretending I didn’t understand the question.
“The doctors said they found unexplainable scars. On your left arm, for instance.”
As she spoke I looked at my left arm, where the word HELP could faintly be seen.
“That was a very long time ago now. I was struggling with things, but I got over it.” I told her straight. “You have to understand that I know what I’m doing. I am not skipping meals to get thin, or to harm myself. I’m honestly doing it because I feel sick.” Nothing but the truth… I think.
“Do you have any problems at home? Any issues you’d like to speak about? With a boyfriend or your baby?” It was like she’d given up on not asking prying questions.
“Not really. Everything’s going well actually. Me and my boyfriend just started things up again after a mild break.” I said smiling. Telling them positive things usually made them feel strongly about you. So what if it was a little white lie?
“Okay Gabrielle.” She stood up, “If you need anything just ask.” And with that she left the room. And as soon as the door closed I felt the adrenalin pump through my veins. Had I passed the test?

-

My eyes were closed, but I wasn’t sleeping. I’d been like this for a while now. Just blocking out the world. It was 5pm when Dr Mae came and spoke to me, and now it was around 9 o clock and I still hadn’t heard anything about whether I was being forced to stay or not. My Mum had been in and out with a few other visitors. But my eyes stayed closed. I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I was afraid that one word or one look would give me away. Would make them realise… What?
The thing I refuse to admit.
You’re not sick, Gaby. You’re just stressed and tired and… Not sick.
Or so I keep telling myself. Of course I’m not sick. If I was sick I’d be in a mental home by now. If I was sick I’d have a tube down my nose and straight into my stomach. I’m at the stage where they’re giving me a couple of vitamins in with some fluids to keep me hydrated. There isn’t anything wrong with me.
“Look at her.” A mans voice hissed as he walked into my room. I heard the door swing shut and someone shuffling through papers.
“I’m aware of her lack of weight, Dr Sloane, but she’s perfectly coherent and-”
“Clarissa, she’s a recovering anorexic presenting clear signs of a relapse.” Dr Sloane replied in a whisper. Were they keeping their voices down for my benefit or their own?
“She’s a 19-year-old, adult, female student that I refuse to admit.” Dr Mae spoke louder, but still quietly.
“Why? Look Clarissa, if we let this girl go she could come back in here next month after having a heart attack. Or worse, I'll be called out to pronounce her. Is that what you want?”
“Dr Sloane, it’s nice to see you care for your patients, but you have to understand that I care for mine too. This girl has been stressed recently. She didn’t quite admit it, but she told me her and her boyfriend had had a spat. With a young baby in her life, of course she’s going to miss the odd meal here and there.”
“You’re missing clear signs here, Dr Mae. She is clearly a psych patient. She has clear signs of self harm, anorexia, and if anything she can’t be bringing up a child with these in her life! For the child’s sake, admit her.” Dr Sloane was trying his hardest to make Dr Mae take me up to the psychiatric unit. And I thought I liked him…
“Listen Joshua, I trained you on your psych rotation, not the other way around. Trust me, this girl is not in any danger to herself or others at the moment! Now if you want to call social services, go ahead. But I will say exactly the same to them. This girl is fine, now treat her and discharge her.” And with that the door swung open and closed again. I opened my eyes, thinking I was alone in the room. Only to find Dr Sloane looking straight at me. He made a start when he saw I was awake, but then walked around the bed to face me.
“You heard all of that?” He asked, and I nodded. “Alright, well, I’m going to give you another round of fluids and then you can leave in the morning.”
He noted something down on the chart, checked something on the machine and then headed for the door.
“I know you really don’t think I should be leaving, but trust me… I’m fine.” I said, sitting myself up. He gave me a half hearted smile.
“Goodnight.” He said, before walking out of my room. I looked around. I guess everyone else had gone home too. Bored of me pretending to be asleep. I picked up the control and flicked on the tv…

-

“I still don’t think they should be letting you out so soon.” Kris grumbled as I put on my jacket. It was 8am, and I called him at 7 to say I was getting out of here. I don’t know why I called Kris and not my Mum. I guess I still think my Mum’s going to take one look at me and check me into the nearest facility.
“Look, you heard what my doctor said. I was dehydrated. I just needed a little water. I’m fine now, okay?”
“You fainted a couple of weeks ago too. At halls.” He reminded me. I furrowed my eyebrows.
“How much have you spoken to Lorna?” I asked, slightly annoyed. I didn’t want this spreading so quickly.
“She rang me yesterday when you ignored her texts and calls.” Kris said. “So then she explained.” He was giving me a look. The kind of one that I could tell was disappointment.
I took a deep breath. “Thank you.” I said. He looked at me, confused.
“Why?”
“Because, if you hadn’t found me when you did then… well, let’s just say I’d be more dehydrated.” I said smiling. White lies. And there was that look again! In Kris’ eye. Like he was trying to figure it out.
“So,” I started, after a long silence. “Can we go home? I miss my baby girl.” I said, picking up my bag.
“After you.” Kris said, pointing at the door. I smiled and walked out. We got just past the nurses station when I heard someone shout my name. My first thought was that I might had dropped something, but then I saw it was Doctor Sloane.
“You’re leaving?” He asked, sounding a little confused.
“Do you live here?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. “Because I’ve been here a long time now and you seem to always be here too.”
“Internships - got you working long hours.” He said smiling.
“What number are you on now?”
“Hour 35.” He seemed almost proud of himself.
“Oh, that sucks.” I said smiling. He took a deep breath.
“Can you come back in 2 days for a check-up? Ask for me at the desk… And, I just wanted to say that if you need anything.. Well, you know where to find me.” He patted my shoulder. Wow, and I thought this guy just wanted me out of his way. Maybe he really did care.
“Where? Passed out in a ditch?” I joked. “Thanks doc.” I smiled and turned to walk out. I took a couple of steps before turning back. “And hey, get some sleep!”
He laughed and waved. I walked out of the building, Kris close at my heels.
“What was that about?” His voice was almost mocking.
“Just a doctor who cares about his patient.” I said, yawning. There was snow stuck on the ground. Yippee…

Lorna's POV

“MERRY CHRISTMAS!” Neil shouted down the phone.
“Merry Christmas!” I said excitedly.
“So, did you like your presents? “ Neil asked.
“Well, they’re all beautifully wrapped!” I said sarcastically.
“You’ve not opened them?!” Neil said shocked. “It’s half 7!”
“Exactly!” I said. “But my wonderful boyfriend is still in his bed!”
Neil laughed. “How come he gets to lie in?”
“I tried to get him up!” I said. “Then I gave up! He’s too bloody stubborn!”
“Every year I was with you at Christmas you had me up at 6!” He said. “Becky’s first Christmas it was 4!”
“She was awake!” I said. “And I was excited about her opening her presents!”
“Then you were gutted when she was more amused with the wrapping paper” He laughed before sighing.
“So is your mum still in bed?” I asked quickly trying to change the subject.
“Of Course she is Lorna” He said as though I was stupid. “It’s half 7. Most kid’s will just be getting up now.”
“I’m a kid!”
“You’re 20!” He laughed.
“Oh god” I sighed. “I’m getting old and boring!”
“You’ll never be boring” He laughed. “You’re too much of a freak to ever be boring”
“Aw!” I said. “Thanks”
“So is your gran coming over?” I asked. This is the first time I had spoken to Neil properly since I was still in the hospital.
“Yeah” He said. “Thanks for my present by the way”
“Back at you” I said happily. “I just wish I could open it. If my bloody boyfriend would just get UP!”
“I’m UP!” Zak announced. I jumped as he wrapped his arms around me from behind.
“Oh! He’s up!” I said hyperly. “Bye Bye!!”
“Have fun! Love you, you weirdo! “ Neil laughed and I hung up the phone.
“Merry Christmas!” Zak said, kissing me on the cheek. I turned round and gave him a properly cuddle. I let go quickly.
“PRESENTS!” I said very excitedly walking over to my couch. While Zak had still been asleep I had arranged the presents so that my presents were sat on one couch and then Zak’s presents were sat on the other couch just the way Santa used to put them in my house. Zak’s TV was wrapped and I’d hidden it below our bed. I was leaving it so that it would be the last present he opened.
“Who was on the phone?” Zak asked as he sat down on the couch.
“Neil” I said quickly. I picked off a HUGE gift bag on the floor beside the couch. I already knew it was from Adrian. I’d been looking through all of the gift tags earlier while I was waiting on Zak waking up!
“Who’s that from?” Zak asked.
“Adrian!” I sang happily. I burst the cellotape on the bag open and pulled out a massive box. There was another gift tag on it that read share it with zak!. “He’s says I’ve to share it with you” I laughed. Zak stopped messing around with his presents and looked up to watch me open this one. I ripped it open and beamed as I saw a black Wii! It would match Zak’s TV brilliantly. My brother actually listens to me, who knew?! I turned and looked over at Zak who was smiling just as much as I was. We’re such children! I fished around in the bag and found 4 DVD shaped parcels. Most probably games! I threw 2 of them over to Zak to open.
“Bet you I can open them quicker” I laughed. Ripping the wrapping paper off of one of them. Mario Kart! I held it up to show Zak and smiled, excited about beating Zak at it later. Zak finished unwrapping one of the ones I’d thrown to him. Wii Party, Awesome. I smiled and Zak laughed at me again. I picked up the next wrapped game off of the floor and unopened it. Toy Story Mania! Awesome! I smiled.
I looked up and watched Zak unwrap the last game Mario and Sonic Olympic games. I smiled again. I was actually ecstatic. Such a baby!
“Your turn!” I beamed at Zak and he picked up a large give bag just like I had. “Who’s it from?” I asked excitedly.
“My mummy” He smiled as he began to open the present.
----------------------------------------

“Your turn!” Zak said again and I excitedly looked around at my presents choosing one to open next. I picked up the one that I knew was from Gaby and started to shake it. It was an oddly shaped parcel and I honestly had no clue what was in it!
“Who’s that from?” Zak questioned.
“Gaby” I said without looking at the label.
“Don’t open it!” He said quickly. What? Why?
“Huh?” I asked, confused at his panic.
“Aly told me I’d to make sure hers was one of the first that you opened!” Zak said.
“Right, okay” I laughed. “Where is it?” Zak moved his head around looking at all the presents that were lying around me and all the wrapping paper.
“On your left” he said.
I pointed to one that looked like a selection box and my eyebrows furrowed. Alyson had been texting me last night about how much I was going to love the present from her. Not that I wouldn’t love a selection box but it just wasn’t what I was expecting. Zak shook his head and I moved my arm over to the next one and he nodded. I picked up the present from Aly. 3 square boxes that were wrapped separately and tied together with ribbon. The box at the bottom was larger than the two which were placed on top. Okay, I don’t know what this is. Jewellery?
“Open it” Zak laughed being impatient because I was just sat there feeling it. I like trying to guess! I snapped the ribbon and then went for the larger box at the bottom first. I hastily ripped the paper off and through it onto the floor. I recognised the symbol on top of the white box instantly. Pandora! I love my sister! Sometimes!
I smiled. I opened the large box and saw that it was a silver bracelet, just like I wanted! The other 2 smaller boxes must be charms for it! Ahh! I quickly sat the box with the bracelet in it down on the floor and quickly opened the first of the 2 smaller boxes. It was a small silver one that had a dangly musical note. I love it! I sat that one down and opened the second box. It was one of the coloured round ones that was white with little blue dots on it. I love it.
“I love it!” I beamed as I looked up at Zak. “You’re turn!” I said as I began to screw the charms onto the bracelet.
“You can have another turn” He smiled. “I’m having fun watching you open yours” He laughed. “You can open Gaby’s now”
“Okay!” I said, not needed to be persuaded any. I picked up Gaby’s present that was sat in front of me and opened it straight away. 2 of the small Pandora charm boxes fell out. I smiled, yet again and opened the first one. It was a small slim sparkly silver spacer. I quickly added it too my bracelet and then opened the other one. It was a small dog with a patch around it’s eye. I smiled. There was a piece of paper stuck in the top of the box. I pulled it out and read it out loud to Zak who was giving me a puzzled look from the couch. “To Lorna, Merry Christmas. I hope you like it. You said you wanted a dog just like Russell so I got mummy to get you one! Love Alicia.” Zak and I, both laughed. “Throw me over my phone.” I asked.

To Gaby 08.00am
THANK YOU!!! ! I love them!! And thank Alicia tooo!  xx

To Gaby 08.07am
Zak said thanks for his dvd player too! Although he got lots of horror films so maybe it wasn’t the best idea! Haha. Hope you have a good day! And remember and take pictures of Alicia so I can seeeeeeeee!

-----

“I am NOT watching that with you” I said as Zak sat the horror film he’d just got from Rhys onto the side of the couch. Zak laughed and we looked around the room. Everything was now opened. Well, I hadn’t given Zak his present and he hadn’t given me mine.
“Well that’s us done!” I smiled and started to pick up bits of wrapping paper off of the floor.
“Not yet” Zak said, standing up and walking through to the bedroom. He came back through seconds with a gift bag.
“Oooooh!” I said, excitedly. He handed me the bag and sat back down on the couch and watched me eagerly. I opened the bag and took out the present that was wrapped inside. It was definitely a dvd. I quickly ripped the wrapping paper off and looked at the dvd. Russell Howard! I smiled.
“Thank you!” I beamed.
“Open it up” Zak said.
“Huh?” I asked.
“Open the box” He said, looking at my eagerly.
“Okaaay” I said, puzzled. I opened the dvd box and an envelope fell out. “Oh!” I said surprised. I closed the dvd box and sat it on the carpet with the rest of my presents before I opened the envelope.
I squealed, loudly. I couldn’t help it.
“I LOVE YOU ZAKKY!” I shouted excitedly, getting up off of the floor and jumping onto the couch beside Zak and giving him a reealllly good kiss!
“RUSSELL HOWARD TICKETS!” I shouted.
“Calm Down” He laughed. “If this is what you’re like now who knows what you’re going to be like on the day! I’m dreading telling you this now but, look at the seat numbers on the tickets.”
I gasped. “FRONT ROW!” I said ecstatically. I gave Zak another kiss.
“I better go get yours!” I said hyperly. Standing up and walking through to the bedroom. I bent down and pulled it free from below the bed. I tried to lift it and gave up instantly.
“Zaaaaaaak!” I shouted through.
“Yeah?”
“Can you give me a hand please?” I said.
“Sure” He said has he walked through. His jaw dropped slightly when he saw the present. I’m pretty sure he knew what it was by now. “It’s massive!”
“That’s what she said” I laughed and he rolled his eyes. He lifted it up and quickly carried it through to the livingroom. I hurriedly followed him through, panicked that he would drop it. He sat it down and ripped the paper off it as quick as possible. The smile on his face was huge.
“Imagine the football on it!!!” He said excitedly as he took the rest of the paper off of the large TV sat in front of him. I rolled my eye and sighed.
“I love you!” He beamed.
“I know you do!” I said smugly with a smile on my face.
-----

To Gaby 08.30am
I AM GOING TO SEE RUSSELL HOWARD!!!!! How could you keep that a secret from me?! I don’t think anyone could EVER understand how happy I am right now. FRONT ROW! I love Zak!! !

To Gaby 10.00am
ARGH! Who knew this TV could cause so many fights! Zak refuses to read the bloody instructions!!
Haha!

To Gaby 10.30pm
Hayley got Zak a Cheryl Cole Calendar!! It’s now hanging in his bedroom!! HUFFFFF!!!!!!

To Gaby 11.30am
Right, I swear your texts are being delayed now! Daaaamn Orange! Either that or you’re not up yet!

To Gaby 13.00pm
Surely you must be up by now?!?! Thought you said you usually do presents at 2?!

To Gaby 15.00pm
I give up! You must’ve left your phone in your room! I’m going to phone you later though!

To Gaby 15.37pm
Did Alicia like her presents??

To Gaby 18.34pm
It’s been a whole 12 hours since I woke you up this morning!

To Gaby 20.02pm
Zak’s now wanting to watch one of these horror films!! HELP!

To Gaby 20.29pm
You didn’t even answer your phone!!!! I give up! ! Bitch!

“Right, I’m phoning Kris!” I announced. “Surely she would’ve replied by now!! It’s not like her! Usually if I pester her she’ll reply eventually!”
“She’s probably just having a nice time with her family!” Zak said, holding me tighter – we were lying all snuggled up on the couch, since we set up the TV I don’t think either of us had moved unless it was to use to the loo or get food or to bring through the covers off the bed!
“I’m not convinced” I admitted. Something’s up. Something has to be up. It’s been a whole day!
“Leave it another hour” Zak said, “I’ll let you watch an episode of One Tree Hill?” He smiled and I jumped off the couch to put it in.
“Pathetic” He said cheekily. I turned round and stuck my tongue out at him before sticking the DVD in.

To Gaby 20.34pm
You have until the end of the episode of One Tree Hill and I’m phoning Kris! You’re worrying me now!

------

“Right! I’m phoning him!” I said, the second the titles appeared on the screen. I looked through the contacts on my phone and hit the green button to call him. It seemed to ring forever before he eventually picked up.
“You’re alive!” I said sarcastically. “Now would you please till Gabrielle to text me back!”
“I can’t.” He sighed.
“What?” I asked. He didn’t answer. “Kris, What’s wrong?” I said, panicked now. Zak sat up in the chair and watched me intensely trying to work out what was going on.
“She wouldn’t wake up” He sighed a tearful sigh. “She wouldn’t wake up!” He repeated.
“You’re scaring me!” I snapped. “Explain!”
“Gaby’s in hospital”
I gasped. “What’s wrong? Is she going to be okay? What happened? When?!"
“I don’t know what’s wrong!” He said panicked. “I don’t know!”
“Is she going to be okay?” I asked.
“I don’t know!” Kris snapped. He sounded really stressed. “Ally is in a state. She’s at the hospital with Gaby now.”
“Where are you?” I asked.
“Sat in Gaby’s bedroom” He answered. “Alicia won’t settle. She doesn’t understand! I don’t understand! Everyone expects me to know what’s wrong because I see her regularly but I don’t know!”
“Have the Doctors said anything about what they think could be wrong?”
“I don’t think so” He said. “They won’t say anything”
“Oh God!" I sighed. We were silent. I had not clue what to say. What to do?! What to think?! “Do you think this has something to do with when she passed out at halls.”
“What?” He said. He sounded angry.
“The day you left to go back to Blackpool. She passed out.”
“Why?” He snapped.
“I don’t know!” I said. “I thought she was pregnant but, she wasn’t. We checked.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?!” He snapped.
“Gaby played it down, acted like it wasn’t a big deal”
“Lorna this is a big deal! She’s in hospital!”
“I’m sorry” I said, guiltily. “What happened tonight? How did she end up in hospital?”
“We were eating dinner. Gaby said she felt sick so went to lie down. Alicia was with her. Then Alicia started crying. She wouldn’t stop so I went through to take her off Gaby to let Gaby rest and then she wouldn’t wake up.” He said. “I tried to wake her and she just wouldn’t wake up. I tried soo many times and she just wouldn’t wake up!” Alicia began to cry. I heard Kris trying to settle her but she just kept crying harder and harder probably worried like her mum just like the rest of us.
“I’ve got to go. I’ll phone you tomorrow” Kris said quickly, hanging up immediately. I couldn't make any sense of it. What would make Gaby pass out at halls? Make her go unconscious last night?! Put her in the hospital?! I could make any sense of it at all. She better be okay.

Gaby's POV

“Will you stop treating me like I’m frickin’ handicapped!” I snapped at my Mother, who was pottering around me trying to make sure I didn’t do too much. I couldn’t even lean forward to pick up my glass of water without her twitching and offering to help. It was doing my head in. I’ve been home approximately 3 hours, and so far she’s had a go at me for leaving the hospital without her, for getting myself a drink and for having a shower. It’s like I’m not allowed to do a thing without reporting to her first. She is driving me insane.
“I’m worried, that’s all! The doctors didn’t exactly seem like they knew what they were doing..” She furrowed her brow at me. I dragged my knees up to my chest and turned the tv channel over. Alicia was asleep, Kris was out with Juliet and Naomi, and I’d been left alone with Mum.
“I already told you, it was just dehydration. I haven’t been feeling well the last few days, everything made me feel sick. So I wasn’t drinking enough. I was treated, I was booted. Okay?”
Everything clearly wasn’t okay. Mum huffed and walked out of the room, a basket of washing in her hand. I mean, seriously?! Does she want me to drop dead or something? It’s like my ‘illness’ isn’t good enough for her!
“By the way, Lorna’s rang here at least a hundred times in the last two days. You might want to get back to her?” Mum shouted through from the bathroom. I sighed, tilted my head back and picked up my phone.
“Right, thanks.” I called back as I started to call Lorna. She’s going to have question after question after question…
It rang for approximately 0.5 seconds before she picked up.
“Gaby!” She wasn’t thrilled, and she wasn’t worried either. She was more angry.
“I hear you’ve been pestering my household? Honestly Lorna, it’s supposed to be Christmas!” I said, trying to prove to her that I’m just fine.
“Why the hell were you in hospital?! I rang this morning and your Mum said they still don’t know what’s wrong with you. Explain, now! And do not even think about lying. I’ve already had to go and explain to Rhys the minor details I know – and god, that was so much fun, by the way! - and it’s unbelievably difficult when I know you’re all holding something back from me!” She wasn’t happy at all. It took my a moment to realise what she’d said.
“You told Rhys?” I groaned quietly. “You suck Lorna, do you know that?”
“I only just left Halls now. He’ll probably be trying to ring right this second. Do you know how worried everyone is?”
“Why did you tell Rhys?” I asked. I needed this answer. There was no point in everyone knowing and getting worried. I am perfectly fine!
“Because I was worried, and you said you’re pretty much a thing again now so I thought he deserved to know. He text me last night asking if you were replying to me, so I text back saying no and that I need to talk to him today.” She sounded so snobby right now. I took a deep breath.
“Will you ditch the I’m-super-worried-about-you attitude? I’m fine!” I said, getting annoyed now. Her voice was all high and squeaky. Jesus.
“But I am super worried about you! I don’t care if you say you’re fine. How many times have you said you’re fine, when really you’re on the other side of the wall cutting!?”
“Lorna!” I stopped her right there. If she was going to continue with this conversation then the phone is going off.
“I’m sorry Gaby, but I’m just saying it how it is.”
“And I’m saying it how it is too. I am fine! There is nothing wrong with me. I’ve not done that or got a terrible disease or anything. I went to sleep at 7 o clock on Christmas day, woke up at 3 o clock on Boxing day. Found out I need to drink more water, left the hospital this morning. Okay? That is all. Now I’m going to leave before you ruin my mood even more.” I told her, holding my thumb over the red button.
“You were just dehydrated?” She almost scoffed.
“Right, I’m going.” I said. I’ve had enough of her for one morning.
“No! I’m sorry.” Lorna said quickly. I listened for a moment. “Are you still there?”
“Yeah.” I replied.
“Good. You have to understand how worried we’ve all been. The only thing I’ve heard is from Kris 2 days ago saying you wouldn’t wake up.”
“Please trust me, I’m fine. You’re the one everyone should be focussing on, not me! How have you been feeling?”
“Me?” She seemed almost shocked to hear the question. “I’m alright, I suppose. The headache’s constantly there, and the nausea and tiredness haven’t quite subsided yet. But I’m almost back to my full strength.” She told me straight. I paused for a moment.
“Good. But would you like me to go running off to Zak, or even Kris and say ‘Oh my good God! Lorna’s still having headaches. The world is ending’ bla bla bla?” I asked her. I heard her laugh.
“No thank you.”
“Then you see my point?”
“Yes.” She sighed. “I guess.”
“Right then,” I smiled to myself. “Thank you for mine and Alicia’s presents by the way.”
“Did you like it?” She asked. I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. Lorna had given me a beautiful dark blue floral dress and matching cardigan to go with it. For Alicia, she bought a photo album with the first half stuffed full of pictures of everybody close to her. And then there were extra pages for her to fill up herself. She was also given a new little outfit, that was adorable! Jeggings, a lilac dress-top and matching shoes. So beautiful. We were very happy with Aunty Lorna for these gifts.
“I really, really did. And so did Alicia! Thanks so much.” I said sincerely.
“I loved mine too!” Lorna told me.
“I’m glad.” I said, laughing. Just at that moment I heard Alicia start to cry. “Uh oh, somebody’s awake…”
“Aw, well I'll see you later then.”
“Yeah, bye.” I said putting the phone down. As I stood up to go get Alicia, I heard my Mum dashing to get there before me.
“Mum I can take care of my daughter!” I shouted, speeding up. This is why I hate being home…

-

“Oi!”
I looked up instantly at the sound of my ‘name’. Kris was frowning at me, like I’d done something wrong.
“What?” I asked, confused. I’d been sat with Alicia on the sofa for about an hour. We’d read a story, watched Handy Manny, and played multiple games that each resulted in her clapping. I didn’t understand what I could’ve done wrong.
“I had Rhys calling me earlier.” He explained, plonking himself down on the other sofa. I rolled my eyes.
“You told him nothing was wrong, right? He rang me too, but I missed it and I can’t be bothered with the ’Oh My God, you’re dying!’ stuff.” I said, smiling. Alicia started clapping at that moment, which made me laugh.
“I told him everything you told me.” Kris said. He was watching me closely at that moment. Like he was looking into my head and reading my thoughts. I looked away. His stare was intimidating.
“Good. So he knows the truth then.” I muttered, before tickling Alicia’s tummy. She giggled happily and I couldn’t help but smile. The noise was like music to my ears.
“Has she slept?” Kris asked, yawning. I nodded.
“About 2 hours this morning, isn’t that right missy?” I said, giving her a cuddle.
“Oh, okay. That’s good.”
“Yes.” I said, smiling. I couldn’t focus on Kris when I had my munchkin with me. I love her so much, there are actually no words.
I lay her on the sofa next to me and we just watched each other. My smile mirrored the one on her face. Her blue eyes seemed to just drink me in. This is my beautiful angel. She is my reason for existing.
“You’re both so beautiful.” Kris acknowledged. I looked at him and smiled. He was smiling back, but I could tell it was more for Alicia than me.
“Right chicken, Daddy wants a cuddle whilst Mummy goes to the toilet.” I said, lifting her up and passing her to Kris. She didn’t object. She’s daddy’s little girly. Kris however seemed a bit disgruntled.
“What?” I asked, confused. “I'll be back in a minute.”
“You two just seemed so happy.” He said shaking his head. I looked at him confused for a moment, but when he didn’t carry on I left the room.

-

I walked slowly into the hospital emergency department. The room was crazy. Nurses were buzzing around like bees on a sunny day. Children were crying, adults were coughing. I didn’t feel comfortable in a place that just seemed so sick.
I headed towards the front desk, waiting for the built man to notice me. He looked like someone from an old war movie. The kind of guy that could be a general, or something. His silver-grey hair wisped into a casual quiff, and his strong jaw was clenched as he listened intimately to the person on the other end of the phone. I noticed he had muscles under his faded green work coat too. He definitely didn’t fit the image for a desk clerk.
“Can I help you?” He asked, putting the phone down. His voice was deep, almost scarily. It was husky too.
“I’m here to see Doctor Sloane?” I said it like it was a question.
“You’ll have to take a seat in the waiting room.” The man replied, like it was a routine slogan.
“Will it be for long?”
“I don’t know. He’s busy right now, but he’ll get to you when he can.” He sounded like he couldn’t care less if the doctor saw me or not.
“Well can you please mention I’m here? My name’s Gabrielle Lawson.”
“Take a seat please, Ms Lawson.” The man repeated, a stern look on his face. I sighed and headed over to the waiting area. It was quite crowded. Old people sat with their faces in hankies. A couple of children were playing with the broken toys. And a man was sat cradling his hand in a bloody cloth. I pulled myself in, trying to get away from all the sick people. The last thing I want is to catch some kind of illness and pass it on to Alicia, or something. That would not be good.
I watched as people were wheeled past on beds by the paramedics, how the doctors rushed to their side and instantly got out their stethoscope and listened for a heart beat… I used to want to be a doctor. But being here, in this place, reminds me why I changed my mind.
At least an hour went by of me just watching and waiting. I’d briefly flicked through a magazine, before realising that on one page it looked like someone had been sick on it, so I put it down. The man at the desk hadn’t even moved. So I knew that Doctor Sloane hadn’t been told I was here.
I stood up and headed over again.
“Hi, remember me?” I asked smiling. The man just looked at me warningly. “Okay, Doctor Sloane asked my to come back today. Could you please tell him I’m here? Or there really is no point me waiting around.”
“I’m busy and he’s busy. You’re just going to have to wait.”
“I don’t have time to wait for nothing.” I said annoyed. “Please just tell him I’m here?” I asked.
“Alright.” He replied. I waited and so did he. I think he expected me to go and sit down or something.
“Go on then.” I said, gesturing for him to move. When he realised that I wasn’t going to leave till he did, he stood up and walked into a crowd and out of sight. I waited about 45 seconds before he returned.
“I told you he was busy. He said take a seat, he’ll be with you ASAP.” This man did not like me.

“Thanks very much.” I said, smiling and returning to the waiting area. I don’t have time for this. There actually isn’t any point in me being here. I don’t feel sick, I haven’t been cut and nothing’s broken. I’m here because a doctor asked me to come back for no reason.
Pathetic.

-

Another 20 minutes went by and there was still no sign of Doctor Sloane. Even though I knew I hadn’t been here for half the time anyone else in the waiting room had, I gave up. There’s no point me wasting my time for a 30 second check up, so I stood up and headed for the door.
Just as I was about to leave, I heard someone call out my name.
“Hey, hold on!” I turned to see Doctor Sloane struggling to get out of the locked coded door. I sighed and walked back over just as he managed to type the code in right and it opened.
“Come in.” He said smiling. I looked him up and down as I walked in. He was wearing blue scrubs with blood down the legs. It didn’t look very attractive, if I’m being honest. “Sorry about that, there was a trauma and a lot of blood so..”
“Did you save the guy?” I asked, following his lead through the maze-like hospital.
“He’s in a stable condition at the moment, yeah.” He took me into a room with two empty beds in it. I took a seat on the closest one and waited for instructions. He picked up a chart and sat on a wheeled chair, sliding across to me.
“So how are you doing, Gabrielle?” He asked, smiling. I noticed his teeth again. So straight and white.
“I’m fine. Actually, I’m probably not now after sitting in that waiting room for over an hour!”
“Sorry about that.” He said, shaking his head. “Are there that many sick people in there?”
“Just don’t waste too much time on me.” I joked, smiling at him. He laughed and I saw him writing my name on a fresh form. “So what’s on the agenda today? Am I being attacked by needles again?”
“I just want to take a bit of blood, if that’s okay with you?” He asked.
“Yeah, sure.” I nodded. He stopped writing and leant against that chart.
“Before I do though I need you to tell me if you’ve been eating or not.” He said, all jokes aside. “And I wouldn’t lie, because you’re blood results will tell me anyway.”
“Then why bother asking?” I said smiling.
“I’d rather here it from you than from a machine.” He said matter-of-factly.
“Well I have.” I told him, and I wasn’t lying. Since my last visit I’d had 3 meals a day. They weren’t overly large meals, but it was still food.
“Can you tell me specifically what you’ve had?”
“Er, a slice of toast for breakfast. Usually some kind of sandwich or soup for lunch. And last night my Mum made beef stew. Is that enough detail?” I asked. He almost seemed surprised. “I told you and so did that psych lady. I’m not anorexic.”
“Okay, well I’m still going to take your blood. Just to make sure we didn’t miss anything. If you’re saying the food makes you feel sick, and it isn’t a psychological reason, then we should really find out what it is.” He started preparing a needle. I rolled up my right sleeve and held my arm out for him. He wiped it, pricked it and sucked it. And then my blood was in a tiny vial labelled Lawson.
“All done?” I asked, smiling. He nodded.
“Do you want to wait around for the results or shall I have someone ring you later?” He asked, standing up.
“You can ring me later.” I said, emphasizing the you. “On my mobile, please.”
He laughed. “You should know I don’t date patients.” It was a joke, clearly.
“Doc, I’m not looking for a lover.” I said, raising my eyebrows. He smiled. It looked like he was about to say something, but then the door opened and a rough looking nurse raced inside.
“The Brenner kid’s coding!” She said, urging Doctor Sloane to follow her. He jumped up and raced to the door.
“I'll ring with your results later.” He said, not looking back at me as he left. And then I was alone.

-

“Why didn’t you go with everyone?” Kris asked me as I walked out of the bathroom. He was stood in the kitchen rooting through our cupboards.
“Excuse me?” I asked, confused.
“Everyone’s gone to your sister’s. Why didn’t you go?”
“I don’t feel up for it.” I said, yawning. My Mum had come into my room about 20 minutes ago to ask if me and Alicia wanted to go to Harriet’s with them. I really didn’t, so I gave her Alicia and said have a good time. They’ve gone round for tea, so me and Kris are to fend for ourselves for a night.
A cupboard door shut loudly. I glanced up to see Kris giving me a look.
“You keep doing that.” I said, narrowing my eyes. He stood back and leant against the counter, crossing his arms.
“I don’t understand.” He said, his teeth grinding together. I braced myself.
“Understand what?”
“You. I don’t understand why or what you’re lying about.” His frustration scared me. I took a step back, preparing to walk away.
“Why would I be lying? I have nothing to lie about.” I said quietly.
“Gaby, you went back to the hospital today.” Kris stated. I nodded.
“Yes, you were there when the doctor told me to go back!” I said, starting to laugh. It came out as a nervous giggle.
“But why did he tell you to go back? If you were given the all clear…” He seemed angrily confused.
“Kris, I have no idea what was going through the doctors head, okay? But he asked me to go back for a check-up. He took some blood, he sent me away. I’m not hiding anything.” I spoke the truth. Yet still Kris was watching me intently.
“You’re hiding something.”
“Jesus, you’re not some all-knowing being, Kris. Just trust me when I say that I’m not lying to you, okay? Maybe you’re reading me wrong.” I said, turning around now and walking away. I got into my room when Kris caught up to me. He slammed the door shut which made me jump a mile.
“Kris!” I don’t care if he’s worried, there’s no excuse for getting so stressed.
“No, Gaby. Listen to me now. Anything you do affects my daughter. I don’t care for my benefit - or even your benefit - if you want to kill yourself, or if you really are just sick. I’m not doing this for you! I’m doing this purely for my little girl, okay? If you get yourself hurt or do something stupid, you do the same thing to Alicia. So tell me right now what the hell is going on, or I swear to God-” He cut off, glaring at me. The anger in his voice. The pure hatred… It scared me.
“I’ve told you everything you need to know.” I said, my voice quiet. I know he can hear how scared he’s making me.
“You’re lying.” He said, walking up to me. I took a few steps back. “What about the stuff I don’t need to know?” He grabbed my hands and pinned them, shoulder height, by my side against the wall. I don’t think he meant to be so rough, but it honestly hurt like hell! I gasped and tears started to sting in my eyes. “Well?!” His voice was loud in my face.
“Kris.” I was crying now. “Kris please, you’re hurting me.” I struggled to get out of his grip. He let me go, almost throwing me to the floor.
“You know I love Alicia, Gaby. I swear to God, you do anything that ends up hurting her, then I will never forgive you.” He said it quietly, but it was enough to know that he hated me now. I dropped down to the floor, tears streaming from my eyes.
“Do you think I hate her or something?” I shouted at him as he opened my door. He looked at me.
“I think you’re lying to me about something. I think that on Christmas night you pulled her into bed with you and then passed out. What if you’d passed out on her? What if you had been on your own and she was left screaming for hours? Gaby, if you know one more bit of information that I don’t about why you wouldn’t wake up, then you better tell me now.”
I was still crying, a lot. My wrists were killing me where Kris had held me and I was too scared to tell Kris the truth. I wiped my eyes.
“If I knew anything I’d tell you, okay?” I said, not looking at him. I heard him swear and storm out of my room. I just curled back into a ball and cried.

-
I was still crying when my phone started ringing. I glanced at it, to check if it was anybody important. When I saw it was an unknown number I chose to ignore it. It was about 30 seconds later that they rang again. I took a deep breath, steadied my voice and answered it.
“Hello?” I couldn’t help but sniff.
“Gabrielle Lawson?” It was a man’s voice. I took a deep breath.
“Who’s asking?”
“Joshua Sloane, the doctor.” He sounded confused. I heard voices in the background. He was still at the hospital, working.
“Oh, yeah it’s me.” I said, my voice shaking.
“Are you alright?” His concern made me smile. This guy is just a doctor that I’m never going to see again, yet he’s asking if I’m alright.
“I’m fine. I just really hurt my wrist.” I said, trying to make my voice sound positive.
“Well I’m on for another hour if you end up back here.” He was being sarcastic. I laughed.
“Yeah, I’m hopefully never going back to that dump again.” I said, my voice still thick.
“It may seem like a dump, but I love working here.”
“What a saint.” I mocked. He was laughing. “Anyway, I’m guessing you didn’t just ring for a cosy chat?”
“No, I didn’t.” He said, “I got your results back.”
“And am I dying?” I asked, trying to sound serious.
“Apart from a low iron and nutrition count, everything seems to be alright. I would like it if you could come and pick a prescription within the next day, just for some tablets with iron in. It’ll make you top notch again.” He said it like a joke.
“Ha, yeah. Maybe whilst I’m there you can check out all the other problems I’ve got.”
“Like you’re wrist?” He joked.
“Yes, like my wrist.” I agreed. I looked at my wrist. I was starting to see a faded blue bruise. Oh, Kris, what have you done?
“Well, if you really think your wrists that bad then I wouldn’t mind checking it. Perhaps over, oh I don’t know, dinner? At 8?”
That was totally unexpected. I went quiet, trying to catch my breath.
“Er.” I stopped. How can I let this guy down easily?
“Too weird?” He asked.
“No, it’s not that. I’m just, sort of involved with someone.” I tried to explain.
“You have a boyfriend.” He stated.
“He isn’t really a boyfriend. We’re just sort of.. involved.” I said, laughing. How was I supposed to explain to a stranger mine and Rhys’ relationship?
“It’s cool. I took a shot and I missed.” He said, and he really didn’t seem that bothered. “So, can you pop by either tonight or tomorrow to get your prescription?”
“Sure. But you’re going to have to tell the guy on the desk you’re expecting me. I am not waiting another hour and a half!”
“Freddie? Nah, he was probably just having an off day!”
I heard a man in the background and could tell they were sat near each other.
“Right, I'll come in tomorrow morning, okay?”
“Alright Gabrielle.”
“You can call me Gaby, by the way.” I said laughing. The tears had finally subsided.
“If I call you Gaby, you call me Josh. Deal?”
“Deal.” I said, a smile on my face.
“Have a safe night, Gaby.”
“You too, Josh.”
I heard his laugh as the phone dial tone started up. When I put the phone down I rolled my sleeves up to look at my wrists. Both of them were starting to bruise. I took a deep breath. Kris hadn’t meant to hurt me. He was just worried about Alicia. I’d have done worse if it was the other way around. I know it.

-

I’d been lying on my bed for an hour, too afraid to leave my room. Maybe afraid wasn’t the right word. I’m not scared of Kris, I just don’t want to see him. I don’t want him to shout at me again. I don’t want him to make me feel like pure crap. And my wrists both really hurt! I’d been watching them grow darker and darker. I knew Kris was gripping me hard, but I hadn’t realised how hard! They really hurt. So much, I was seriously tempted – at one point – to get on a bus and go to the hospital before Doctor Sloane’s shift ended. But then I realised how stupid I’d look trying to explain how I hurt them, so I thought better of it. Anyway, it’s too late now. Josh’s shift is over.
There was a few light taps on my door.
“Gabs, can I come in?” Kris’s voice was quiet. I pulled the sleeves down on my top as I walked over to the door, before slowly opening it. I opened it enough so we could talk, but so it was easy for me to close it if necessary. Kris leant against the door frame, an apologetic look on his face.
“I’m sorry.” He paused, looking me up and down. “Can we talk?”
I raised my eyebrows. He really thought it would be that simple?
Then I realised I didn’t want to argue.
“Sure.” I said, moving so he could get past me. He walked in and I closed the door. I watched him as he scanned the room; noticing my phone lying in the middle of the floor and my tear soaked pillow.
“Are you okay?” He asked as I walked over to sit on my bed. I paused. Do I tell him the truth or lie?
“No.” I chose the truth. It seemed to break him.
“Is that because of me?” He asked. I could tell that he didn’t really want to know the answer. What happened to the guy who hated me an hour ago? Now he seems to care… Talk about a multiple personality disorder!
“Partly.” I bit my lip.
“Oh..” He walked over and sat on the bed next to me. I shuffled back a bit, trying not to get too close to him. I brought my legs up to my chest and waited for Kris to say something.
“What’s on your wrist?” Kris asked, immediately reaching out and taking it. Uh oh. I’d rolled my sleeves up subconsciously. As he touched my wrist, I couldn’t help but gasp and jerk it away. It actually hurt more than I thought it would. “What happened? I’m sorry.” He seemed confused.
“I told you, you were hurting me.” I reminded him. I saw the realisation cross his face.
“Oh, God. Gaby I’m so sorry.” He reached out to look at my arms, but I pulled them in close to me. “I really didn’t realise. I was just…” He trailed off. It was almost like he couldn’t get his words out.
“Worried?” I offered, sounding cockier than I meant to.
“Yeah, but that’s not an excuse. I’m so sorry.” He went to take my hand but I pulled it away.
“Kris, if I tell you why I went to hospital, will you promise not to tell anyone? Not my Mum, or Lorna, or Rhys, or anyone?” I was looking him dead on in the eye. He was analysing my mood.
“It depends on how serious it is.” He said, his face expressionless.
“Not serious enough for me to stay in hospital, let’s put it that way.”
He thought for a moment.
“I promise.” He said, taking my hand again. I repeated my previous move and pulled it away, wrapping my arms around my legs.
“I was malnourished.” I told him. I could tell this wasn’t the answer he’d been expecting. His mouth opened and closed, like he was thinking about talking but couldn’t decide what to say.
“What? Like anorexia?” He seemed like he couldn’t believe what I was saying. I took a deep breath.
“No.” I said, shaking my head. “I wasn’t eating properly. It wasn’t anorexia, I promise. But the doctor didn’t believe me and he ordered a psych consult.” I said, pausing so he could take it all in. After a few seconds, I continued. “She told him that she didn’t think it was anorexia. So I went back today for more tests and he said I have a low iron count.”
“Does that make you stop eating?” He asked, and I couldn’t tell if he was angry or not.
“I don’t know. But food is seriously making me feel sick recently.” I said, not looking him in the eyes.
“You’re eating, despite that though, right?”
“I have the last two days.” I said, nodding.
“So what’s actually wrong with you? I don’t understand.”
“Neither do I.” I said, biting my lip. “But I’m going to promise you now that it has nothing to do with anorexia. So if you don’t see me eating, don’t shout at me. Okay? Because if it was anything serious I’d still be in the hospital. I’m just not feeling very well the last few weeks. It’s probably just a weird bug or something.” I said, resting my chin on my knees. There was a long, long silence. Kris watched me, clearly trying to decide whether I was being serious or not.
“When you wouldn’t wake up, I thought maybe you’d over-dosed or got really drunk.” Kris said truthfully. I burst out laughing.
“No, if I had I would definitely be in hospital right now!” I said, shaking my head at how ridiculous that sounded. Kris just smiled. There was a long silence.
“Thank you for telling me.”
I smiled, “I thought you should know. Especially after your argument with me earlier…”
“I’m sorry about that.” He said, sighing. I shook my head.
“I don’t blame you in the slightest.” I said, and it was the truth. “If you were keeping something – that could affect Alicia – from me, I’d have been seriously angry too.”
“Oh, I know.” He said, and suddenly everything was a joke.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I laughed, kneeling up so I could defend myself when the blows came.
“Hey, I’m just saying – you like to get rough.” He winked and I pushed him away, laughing.
“You are down right rude, Francis!” I raised my eyebrows in a mocking way. He smiled broadly. I looked away and brushed the hair out of my eyes, waiting for him to come up with the next come back.
And then the wind was knocked out of me as Kris forced his lips onto mine. I was so surprised at first that I didn’t stop it. I kissed him back and relaxed as he pushed me gently back onto the bed. It was only after about ten seconds that I realised what was going on. I stopped kissing him and pushed, trying to get him off of me. It took a few attempts before he finally realised what I wanted. He rolled over and I was taken with him, swapping the roles so that I was now on top of him. I frowned at him and he sighed.
“Sorry.” He muttered quietly. I burst out laughing then, burying my head in his shoulder. “Er, does this mean you’re not angry with me?”
“I’m furious.” I said, pulling my head up and wiping the tears of laughter out of my eyes. He gave me a confused look. “I just can’t believe I fell for it again.”
“I’m clearly very wanted.” He smiled. I shook my head, still laughing.
“Sorry Kris.” I said, and I meant it. He gave me a look.
“What for?”
“For not choosing you.” I said, sighing. I knelt up as he struggled to sit up. He pulled my head towards him and kissed me right between the eyes.
“You’re not the one who should be sorry.” He said, hugging me. I smiled. “I’m sorry I ever left. I’m sorry for everything I have ever done to you. I’m sorry.” He said, and then I heard the front door open and close.
“They’re back.” I sighed. Kris just laughed and got up to go see Alicia, I’m guessing...

Lorna’s POV

“When’s Julie’s wedding?” I asked Zak. I was still lying in bed even though I’d been awake for hours as usual. Zak blinked repetitively. He’d just woken up.. “And who is she? Are we going to the service or just to the reception? And what are we going to get as a present? Towels? Everyone always seems to buy people towels when they get married. I don’t really understand why.”
Zak just sat there looking at me in silence for seconds. He was definitely still asleep. “Someone’s annoyingly upbeat”
“Someone’s annoyingly downbeat?” I said, mocking the way he just said it and questioning if downbeat was actually a word!
“I’m sleeping” He said, yawning as he spoke.
“It’s half 11”
“And? It’s the holidays!”
“You Lazy Bum” I laughed. “Anyway, answer my questions!”
“What’d you say again?”
“When’s the wedding?”
“Err” He paused thinking about it. “Saturday the 14th of January”
“That’s ages away” I sighed. “I thought it was sooner. Who is Julie anyway?”
“My big cousin”
“What age is she?”
“25” He answered my question.
“What does she do? What’s her fiancé like?”
“Why all the question’s?” He asked sitting up on the bed a bit. I moved over and sat my head on his shoulder.
“I just don’t want to mess up.”
“What?” He laughed.
“Well, out of everyone there you’ll be the only person that I know.” I said. “And that’s awkward enough! Then I don’t want to make a mistake and say something stupid or something. Then everyone would hate me!”
Zak laughed again. “Calm Down. They’re not going to hate you!”
“Doesn’t make it any less scary” I laughed.
“It’ll be fine!” He said, kissing the top of my head. “Stop worrying about it”
“You heard what Caleb said!” I said.
“I must’ve but I don’t remember it” He said. “What’d he say like?”
“He said that you’re mum thinks that you’ll end up marrying me!” I said.
“Right?” Zak asked confused.
“So what if you’re mum meets me and absolutely despises me!”
“She’s not going to!” Zak said. “You’ve met her before!” That was true. I had met her before, at Zak’s graduation but I “wasn’t feeling well” when Zak went out for a family meal afterwards. It would’ve just been too awkward and now I’m not exactly going to be able to avoid it! “And then she said you seemed lovely, very smiley but quiet. So you’ll be fine, stop worrying!”
I laughed. Me? Quiet! Although if I’m honest I’m not going to be very chatty at the wedding either. I don’t know why but I’m always scared when it comes to talking to new people. I moved school half way through high school – Claire came with me but it was a few month s later – and the first day I was there was hell. I honestly did not say a word all day! And it took me at least a few weeks before I started being my over hyper, talkative, crazy self!
“Do you think you’re mum and dad would’ve liked me?” Zak asked lifting my hand that was sat upon his chest. His fingers intertwined with mine.
“What?” I asked, I’d heard what he had said but I was just checking I’d heard him correctly. It was sweet that he’d thought about that.
“Well if they’d have met me, do you think we would’ve gotten on?” He asked curiously. I smiled slightly as I thought about it.
“Definitely” I could picture it in my head, Zakky and me going to visit mum and dad for dinner. “I can imagine you and my dad having good banter about the football” I smiled. “Then my mum would just like you in general because you make me all smiley!” I said, smiling. “I’m pretty sure she would always be amused that you’re from Liverpool though.”
“Why?” He said, confused.
“Mum and Dad used to have to bribe me to study” I laughed. “So one year for my prelims…”
“Eh?” Zak questioned.
“Mocks” I said. “They said that if I worked hard mum would take me to go see Blood Brothers and the main reason I wanted to go see it was that it was set in Liverpool. So we went and we saw it and then on the way home I wouldn’t shut up about how awesome the Liverpuddlian accent was and we bought the soundtrack and it was epic. Then mum used to always make a fool of how I was going to go get me a liverpuddlian lover because I loved the accent so much. So I think she’d find it amusing that I’m with you now” I laughed. Zak was quiet so I looked up to see the smile on his face.
“So, you my accents the thing that made you kiss me in the first place?” He asked, cheekily.
“No” I laughed. “That was the alcohol!”
“Whatever! You wanted me!” He laughed.
“I did not!” I laughed. “Before Christmas Eve you were just Zak!” I said.
“So you didn’t even fancy me a little bit?” He sighed.
“I don’t really know” I laughed. “I don’t think I realised that I properly liked you that way until – and I know this is going to sound bad – that day when you kissed my sister”
“That’s lovely!” Zak laughed.
“I got jealous” I admitted. “Then got freaked that I liked you!” I laughed at how I was sounding as though I was like 12 again.
“Well now I’m glad your sister kissed me!” He laughed and I rolled my eyes.
“Why did you kiss her?” I asked, curiously.
“She kissed me!” He said, defensively
“Whatever” I sighed.
“I liked you then!” He admitted. “Although after I kissed your sister I thought there was no chance of anything happening!”
“See what drunken kisses on Christmas Eve lead too!” I smiled, changing my position on the bed so that I could give him a kiss.

-

“What shall we watch today?” Zak asked as he sat down on the comfy couch with 2 plates. He handed me one. It was a large pancake that he’d created a smiley face on using strawberries, cream and chocolate sauce. I smiled.
“That’s awesome!” I smiled, before munching a bit of my pancake, Zak’s pancakes were actually the best things ever! I don’t even like pancakes that much but I loved these ones. Zak’s just an amazing cook in general. “I don’t know what we can watch” I said. “I sort of want to leave the flat” I admitted. We’d stayed in every day since Christmas just all snuggled up on the couch. I wanted to go outside! We sat there in silence for a bit while Zak finished eating his piece of pancake.
“You were out yesterday” He moaned. “When you went to see Rhys!”
“Yeah, how fun!” I said, sarcastically.
“Have you spoken to Gaby today?” He asked.
“Not yet. I was going to phone her later” I said. “But I need a story or something to tell her so that it doesn’t look like I’m only calling to check up on her. Which is why we should go out!”
My attention focussed on the TV. There was a trailer on. Car chases, guns, a couple kissing. Looks like an alright film to me!
“How about we go out for dinner and then go to the cinema!” I smiled.
“To see?” He asked. I pointed toward the TV screen because my mouth was full and he nodded. “Alright then.” I took my phone out of pocket and started to look for the times it’s on at.
“We should ask Rhys to come as well”
“What?” I sighed.
“He’s staying at halls by himself!” Zak said. “He’s not going to have anything else to do but to sit and worry about Gaby!” Yeah, that’ll be what he’s doing.
“I thought it’d just be you and me” I sighed.
“Well it’s been you and me for the past how many days?” He laughed.
“You sound like it’s not been good?” I was hurt.
“Of Course it has been!” He smiled. “But I’m getting a bit sick of you now” He joked.
“Okay” I said, irritated.
“You know I’m only joking. I just feel bad for Rhys!” Zak said. Why does he have to be so nice! He used to hate Rhys!
“Right then” I sighed.
“Sorry Babe” Zak said. “You know that if you were in his position you’d be bored stiff”
“I suppose” I said. “Text him then” I said forcing a smile. Well there goes our little night out by ourselves!

-----

“McDonald’s?” Rhys suggested. Definitely not the night I was expecting. When I suggested going out for tea, I meant going to a little romantic restaurant just me and Zak. Not going to McDonalds with Rhys tagging along! I couldn’t help thinking that I wouldn’t have minded if it was anyone but Rhys.
“Sure” Zak agreed and we started to walk in the direction of McDonalds. Rhys opened the door and held it open for Zak and I to walk through. I looked around and it was mobbed.
“Will I go and get a table?” I suggested.
“Yeah” Zak said. “I really need the loo” He laughed.
“What do you want?” Rhys asked Zak. “I’ll get the food, Lorna can go get the table and you can go pee” Rhys said.
“Thanks. Can I have a Quarter Pounder meal please?” Zak asked. “With Cola”
“Sure” Rhys said, “Lorna?” He asked, as Zak turned and walked off towards the loo.
“Can I have a plain McChicken Sandwich meal please?” I asked.
“And a Strawberry Milkshake?” Rhys asked.
“How’d you guess?” I laughed and turned away. “Lorna wait” He said and I quickly turned back round. “Can you take my phone please? It doesn’t fit in my pocket.”
“Sure” I said, taking it off of him and heading over to one of the only free tables in the corner. I slid into the booth and sat Rhys’s phone down on the table. It buzzed as I sat it down and I peeked to see who it was. My eyes widened in shock. Natalie. I picked up the phone and entered the text message.
I miss you xx
My jaw dropped slightly and I quickly marked the message as unread so that Rhys wouldn’t know I had looked at it. I sat the phone back down on the table and looked to see Rhys getting closer to the front of the queue. I picked up Rhys’s phone again. I opened the message again but this time I clicked delete. I shouldn’t have down that! Crap! I looked up and saw Zak scanning everyone looking for me. I quickly put Rhys’s phone back down on the table and looked at Zak waiting on him looking back. He’d obviously noticed where I was because he started to walk over in my direction. He sat down across from me and smiled.
“See! I told you Rhys being here wouldn’t be that bad” He said. I just smiled in return. I shouldn’t have done that!

-------------

The film finished about an hour ago and we were just coming back to halls. Zak suggested that we went back to halls with Rhys. I’m seriously starting to wonder if earlier he really wasn’t joking about being sick of me! We were climbing the third and final set of stairs to get to the flat.
“The doors open” Zak said, as we got close to the flat.
“What?” I said, looking toward the door. The door was lying wide open to the world so that anyone could get in.
“I locked the door!” Rhys said, quickly walking ahead and straight into the flat. He’s brave. I grabbed on to Zak’s hand and walked forward into the flat.
“You wimp!” Zak whispered as we walked into the front door.
“If I’m a wimp why are you whispering!” I laughed.
“Just incase!” He laughed. We went into the living room and looked down the hall. Rhys was looking in all of the rooms. He reached Archie’s room and then he’s stopped and walked back up the corridor.
“Archie’s in his bed” Rhys said as he reached the top of the corridor.
“He’s back already?!” I asked.
“He’s in bed already?!” Zak asked shocked looking at his watch. It was only about half 10.
“I hope he’s alright” I sighed. Both of the boys nodded in agreement.
“Will you be alright now that Archie’s sleeping here too?” I asked Rhys jokingly. He was moaning in McDonalds earlier that it was lonely staying in halls by himself.
“Yes” Rhys laughed.
“Good!” I smiled. “Can we go home?” I asked to Zak.
“Did you just refer to my flat as home?” Zak beamed. Crap, I did!
“Can we go back to your flat?” I laughed.
“I suppose” He said. “You just called it home!”
“Whatever” I smiled. “See you tomorrow”
“Bye” He smiled. “Thanks for tonight”

-----

“It’s F-F-F-Freeeeeeeeeeezing!” I said as I walked back into Zak’s flat.
“Bed then?” Zak smiled as he took his jacket off and through it on top of the couch. He gave me quick kiss on the cheek as he went past. “You are freezing” He muttered.
“Okay” I said. “Wait until I phone Gaby” Zak started to walk through toward his bedroom. He stopped just outside his bedroom door and cheesily took his shirt off and threw it away. I burst out laughing!
“Okay” He said. I took my mobile phone out of my pocket and started to ring Gaby. It rang a few times before Gaby picked up.
“Before you start, I’m not phoning to check up on you. I promise! I just need to talk”
Gaby sighed at the other end of the phone “Hello Lorna …”
“Sorry” I replied.
“What do you need to talk about? And why are you sorry?!”
“Zak.” I stopped. I was oddly scared. “Promise you won’t laugh at me?”
“If It’s funny, I’m gonna laugh. Just say it.” Gaby replied.
“We haven’t had sex since, well since we got back together and I’m scared.” I didn’t give Gaby any time to give any reply. I just continued on. “I’m not scared because of what Kyle did. I’m scared because I’m a mess! What do I do?! The day you left to go back to Blackpool there was kissing that was going somewhere! Then you phoned and it stopped. And Zak said he knew I wasn’t ready or something like that and I think the same things going to happen tonight. It’s not like I don’t want to.” I paused. “I just! I’m a mess!” I stopped. “I didn’t have any trouble taking my clothes off before!” I laughed.
“You’re pathetic!” Gaby laughed. “Lorna-“ She started. “One second till I go through to my room” She was silent as I heard her walk through into her bedroom. “Lorna, you’re so silly!! Zak LOVES you. I know it’s been a while for both of you .. but still. He isn’t going to care!”
“You haven’t seen the scars! They’re horrific gabs!” I sighed. “And he’s got his Cheryl Cole calendar up on the bloody bedroom wall as well! Skinny Cow!” I laughed. “I am being an idiot!”
“You really are.” Gaby paused. “Look, Lorna You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. What happened to you was pure crap” She sighed “Don’t let that ruin your love life. Of Course Zak’s gonna be shocked, but he’ll also love you soo much more for trusting him.”
“Right” I paused. “Okay, I’m going to be brave” I laughed slightly. “Thank you Gaby! Love you! Wait! How are you? What’d you do today?”
“Today?” She asked. “Erm, I woke up at the crack of dawn cause of this thing I have called Alicia . And then I tossed her over to Kris, picked up a prescription from the hospital and now I’m here.”
“Prescription for dehydration?” I paused. You don’t get a prescription for dehydration!! “Sorry, I promised I wouldn’t do this!”
“They took my blood yesterday and I had a low iron count” She stopped. “I have to text you now every time I take a pill?” Gaby said thoroughly annoyed.
“No” I sighed guiltily. “Of course not.” I stopped and turned because I could hear Zak shouting on me from the bedroom. “Just Coming!” I shouted through to him. “Zak’s asking where I am. I better go. I’ll text you again tomorrow. Tell Alicia I miss her! Kris, not so much” I laughed. “Bye Bye”
Gaby laughed on the other end of the line. “Bye Looona!” I pressed the red button to cancel the call and then through my phone onto the couch. I quickly walked through into the bathroom. Sprayed my perfume, Checked my hair and then walked through into Zak’s bedroom. He was lay there on top of the bed playing with his phone. I can do this. I walked into the room and slid my jean off. Zak looked up. I quickly undid my shirt and threw it across the room just like Zak had done with his earlier to make me laugh. Then I climbed up the bed and began kissing Zak. He began kissing back straight away. Gaby was right. I had nothing to worry about. Tonight would be perfect with the man that I love the most.

Gaby's POV

I knocked on the glass of the clerk’s desk in the hospital waiting area. The man looked up at me, a disapproving look on his face.
“Hey Freddie, remember me?” I asked, smiling. He frowned.
“The annoying girl for Doctor Sloane?” His tone was as objective as his facial features. The smile didn’t leave my face.
“Got it in one.” I said happily. My mood has significantly improved today. I feel the highest high ever. Nothing could bring this mood down.
“You’ll have to take a seat in the waiting area.” Freddie said, turning back to his work. I knocked on the glass again.
“No, I told Doctor Sloane I’m not sticking around if I have to sit here for another hour. Let me in or tell Doctor Sloane I’ve gone.” I said stubbornly. Freddie looked like he couldn’t care less if I stayed or not. “Look, if I go now and end up dying, it’ll be your fault because you couldn’t be bothered getting up and either letting me in or getting the doc. Do you want that on your conscience?”
He sighed and typed in a code on the wall. The glass doors next to me slid open. I beamed at him.
“Thanks Freddie. Where is he?” I asked. I think this guy had had enough of me bothering him. I was enjoying myself though.
“Exam room 3. He’s sleeping.”
“Why?” I asked confused.
“He’s been on all night and doesn’t finish till 9 tonight. So we let our doctors sleep.”
“Oh.” I paused. Am I supposed to wake him up? He knew I was coming this morning… But still. I don’t want to be mean.
“Just wake him up, it’s fine.” Freddie said, rolling his eyes. I bit my lip.
“Which way’s room 3?”
“Exam room 3 is straight down that corridor and to your left.” He said, not looking at me. I followed his directions until I reached four doors. Two of them had huge double doors and a sign above saying ‘Trauma’. The others said ‘Exam Room 2’ and ‘Exam Room 3’. The blinds were down on the room Doctor Sloane was in. I slowly pushed the handle down and walked in.
“Josh?” I whispered. The room was quite dark, but maybe that’s just because my eye haven’t adjusted.
“Josh.” I said it a little louder. My eyes were adjusting now. He was facing me, his eyes closed and hands in balls next to his chest. I paused. Maybe I should just leave a note or something. But saying what? I didn’t want him coming to my house, and I didn’t want to have to make this trip again!
“Doctor Sloane?” I tapped him this time. He started to stir. “Josh?” I hissed again. He opened his eyes. “I’m sorry, Freddie told me to just wake you up.” I said guiltily. He blinked for a minute then focussed on me.
“Gaby?”
“Yeah.” I said, smiling. He sat up.
“Right, you’re here for the prescription.” He remembered, going to stand up. “What time is it?”
“Half 10.” I said.
“Oh.” He yawned.
“Why? How long have you been asleep?” I asked, dreading the answer. If he said half an hour I'll hate myself.
“Since 6.” He said, pulling a pad out of his white-coat pocket and writing my details on it. “How’s your wrist?” He asked, still writing. I paused.
“Fine, why?” I asked confused. It wasn’t fine. I was wearing a long-sleeved woolly jumper now just so no one could see the swollen black bruises that covered my wrist. Kris has apologised more than necessary. I think I may just bruise easily.
“You said you hurt it. Want me to take a look?” He asked, looking up from what he was writing and going to reach out for it. I took a step back and gave a fake laugh.
“No, honestly. I just knocked it. There’s not even a bruise.” I said, smiling. He seemed to believe me and started writing the prescription again. Once he’d filled it in, and signed it, he tore it off and handed it to me.
“Take this to the chemist on the first floor to get your prescription. Take one tablet, twice a day. I want a check-up when the pills are done.” He said, scratching his head. I frowned at him.
“But I’m going back to Chester soon.” I said, and he raised his eyebrows.
“Well when will you next be here?”
“Like, Easter? I don’t know.”
He looked like he was thinking about something serious.
“Do you have a GP in Chester yet?”
I shook my head. He sighed.
“Right, well I need you to go to the nearest GP to where you live in Chester, and tell them to contact us here and I'll fax your records over.”
“Is there any point in all the hassle?” I asked. I cannot be bothered trecking into Chester, telling them everything that’s gone on here, waiting for the details to arrive and then having to have more tests. There isn’t anything wrong with me! I just know it.
“Yes.” Josh replied sternly. I just rolled my eyes. “If I haven’t heard from them by Easter, I will be visiting your home address here.”
“You’ll have forgotten who I am by next week.” I said, laughing. He smiled, and I knew he was thinking I was right. “Sorry I woke you.” I said, heading to the door.
“Nah, it’s fine.” He said, sitting back on the bed.
“Thanks.” I smiled and opened the door. He put a hand up to say bye, and then I left.

-

It had been two days since I went to the hospital to get my prescription, and I’d told my Mum I was going home as soon as we were packed. She wasn’t thrilled, but I was fed up with her molly coddling. I’d had some fun with Becka and Liv, and even some other friends from College and Highschool. But I’d just had enough now, and I think Kris was bored of this place too. So I spoke to him, then my Mum and now we’re packing.
“Do you want me to start packing Alicia’s stuff?” Kris asked, coming into my room with his bag already sorted. I was only halfway through packing mine…
“Yeah, sure.” I said, looking around my room. There were bits and bobs of Alicia’s everywhere. Toys, bottles, nappies.. I watched Kris for a minute as he just threw everything into a case. I wanted to shout at him to be more organised. Tell him to piss off so I can do it properly. But then I realised he really would admit me to a psych unit if I said anything. So I calmed myself down by standing on my own little toe and letting the pain wash over me. I felt pathetic as soon as I did it.
“Why the sudden urge to go?” Kris asked, and I did my best not to watch what he was doing.
“It’s not sudden. I’ve wanted to go the moment we got here.” I said, folding my shirt carefully. “Plus, I know Lorna’s freaking out at home and I can’t handle that.” I joked. Kris looked at me, a weird look on his face. “What?” I smiled self-consciously.
“You just called Hollyoaks ’home’.” He said, smiling. I thought about it. Had I?
“Well, my flat’s there. All my stuff’s there. I guess it is my home.” I said, laughing about it. I heard Kris zipping up the case. I’d only packed three things, no way was he done already?!
But I looked around the room and things were gone. Maybe I was being too organised…
“Want me to give Alicia her lunch then?” He asked, yawning now. I looked at the time. Half 11. He might as well. Then we can go straight away.
“Yeah, there’s a jar in the kitchen and a couple of bowls.”
He nodded and left the room, leaving me to finish packing.

-

By 3 o clock, we were back in Hollyoaks. I dropped Kris off in Chester, where he said he was meeting a friend (who this friend was, I have no idea?!). So that left me to take in a suitcase, a pram, and a baby up the stairs on my own. I took Alicia first, who had fallen asleep in the car. I picked her up carefully, hoping she wouldn’t wake up. When she just snuggled into me, I realised I could take her up and put her in the cot to sleep some more.
Once I’d tucked her in, I went back down to the car to bring in the first suitcase.
“Hey!”
I wheeled around when I heard the familiar Scouse accent.
“Zak!” I said happily as he ran across the road to me. He gave me a quick hug and then stood back.
“Did you just get back?”
“Yeah.” I said, nodding.
“You didn’t stay for New Years?” He asked, eyebrows raised. I rolled my eyes.
“Seriously, if you were living under that roof for 2 and a half weeks, you’d understand why!” I laughed and he smiled. “Where’s the Loon?”
“I left her at my flat, she’s catching up on work.”
“Is she doing alright?” I asked, taking a suitcase out of the boot. Zak took the pram. I locked the car and we started walking inside.
“Er, she says she is.” Zak replied, walking ahead of me.
“But?”
“Well, I can see her holding onto things for support all the time. And she has to pause before she does anything because I think she gets dizzy. But every time I ask her anything, she just says she’s fine. You know what she’s like… She’s not one for too much attention.” He waited when we got to my flat door, expecting me to pull out a key.
“It’s open.” I said, waving him in. As we walked, I spoke. “Has she been back to the doctors?”
Zak put the pram down outside my room. “Yeah, he said everything’s alright. Well, that’s what she told me. She wouldn’t let me go with her.”
“What? When was it?”
“Yesterday.” He said, frowning. I gave him a confused look. Lorna loves him, why wouldn’t she let him go? Especially after I re-convinced her that he loves her.
“That’s really weird.” I said, standing confused. Zak nodded, a concerned look on his face. “Where were you off to?” I asked - a subject change.
“Halls.”
“Why?” I asked confused. Zak hasn’t lived at halls for months now, and none of his friends really lived there anymore.
“Archie’s back.” He explained. I gasped.
“Oh God. Is he okay?”
“He’s… Nearly back.” Zak said, smiling. “But he needs some encouragement.”
“So you’re gonna take him on the town?”
“No, I’m going to watch the footie with him.” He laughed and I smiled. Then Alicia started bawling.
“Can I get her?” Zak asked, eyes wide with excitement. Lorna has definitely rubbed off on him. I laughed.
“Go for it.” I said, and he walked through my room to get her from the cot. I heard him chatting to her for a minute, and he I heard her giggle. She’s a happy little baby.
“So Alicia, want to come watch the football with me and Archie? Maybe Rhys will be there. I bet you’ve missed Rhys, huh?” Zak was talking to her as he walked out my room, but I could tell he was more asking me.
“Oh go on then.” I said, laughing. “Put her coat on her.” I said, tossing it to him. He started putting her in her ‘bear-suit’ coat whilst I took hold of the pram. “We’ll put her in when we get down.” I said, laughing as Zak struggled to get her arm and feet in the right places. I made sure my phone and keys were in my bag.
“All done.” Zak said, standing her up on his lap.
“Come on then.” I laughed, as Alicia smiled at me from Zak’s arms. Zak passed her over to me and took the pram out of my hands. I followed him out of the flat and locked the door behind me.
“How do you do this?” Zak asked, trying his hardest to put the pram up. I laughed at his failed attempt.
“Take Alicia.” I said, holding her out. She frowned at me, like she was miffed about being a game of pass the parcel. I picked up the pram, held in the handles and kicked it up. It bounced into place straight away. I took Alicia back off Zak and strapped her into place, and away we went…

-

I walked into the flat as Zak held the door open for me and Alicia. It was quiet, apart from the muffled noise of two people in one of the rooms. I laughed, not wanting to know who whoever was with. Zak opened his eyes wide then rushed over to turn the tv on and cover the noise. I laughed, taking Alicia out of the pram and handing her to Zak, who was eager to hang out with her.
“I’m gonna go to the loo.” I said, heading down the corridor. I rushed past all the rooms, not wanting to listen to the intimate noises coming from somewhere more than I had to. I hovered in the toilet. It looked different. A lot less girly than when I lived here, but then I realised it’s only Lorna and Natalie who are girls here now. How strange. From four to two.
When I finished in the bathroom, I walked slowly back to Zak and Alicia down the corridor. I slowed when I reached Rhys’ room. Maybe he was in and I could say hi. I know we haven’t seen each other in ages, but we’d spoken every night this last week for over an hour. We were definitely pretty much back to normal. It made me excited, thinking about seeing him and him making me happy. Thinking about him holding me and taking me out to dinner. I pushed the handle down slowly and walked inside.

His room was dark, the curtains had been drawn despite the fact it’s still daylight. And it was unusually hot, yet my blood was running cold. I watched from the door as Rhys hovered over another girl, both panting… both experiencing some kind of pleasure. I wanted to throw up there and then, but I was frozen to the spot. It was like I was watching from a tv screen. I wasn’t there now. I was lost in my head. Broken into a thousand pieces. Neither of them had noticed I was here. They didn’t notice the light that filtered in from the door. They were too into it. Into the sex. Into the lying, cheating sex.
And then my heart split in two, and I felt like I couldn’t stand anymore. My legs had turned to jelly and the pain! It was too much.
“Oh God.” I said, disgusted. “Oh my God.” I turned the light on, rage taking over now. Rage was everything to me. It was the only thing keeping me going right now. No tears left my eyes. I was staying strong, throwing the door wide open to show Rhys I’d seen him. He jumped, pulling the sheet with him. The girl protested, trying to pull it back over her. And then I realised who it was.
“I feel sick.” I said out loud. Natalie stared at me, her eyes filled with tears. “I..I feel sick.”
“Gaby-” Rhys started, but I screamed.
“NO! No Rhys, you absolute FUCKING DICK!” I picked up a glass on his desk and threw it at the opposite wall. “I TRUSTED YOU.” I shouted. I just wanted to kill him. I wanted to hurt both of them so they knew exactly what I’m feeling.
“I trusted you.” I said it quieter now, and I couldn’t look at either of them anymore. It was making me want to kill myself. I bumped straight into Zak as I was walking out of Rhys’s room, and he held me by the shoulders to steady me.
“What’s going on?” He asked, but I just stared. I couldn’t talk. No words would come out. Zak took his arms away and walked into Rhys’s room. I fell back against the glass wall and just slipped down onto the floor. Zak was shouting at Rhys now, and I heard Natalie shrieking telling him to stop. I didn’t even care. I’d lost every other feeling, except pain. Pain was still there. Alicia was crying from somewhere, and my heart didn’t yearn for her. I didn’t care. I stared into nothing. My mind shut off. My body shut down.

-

Natalie had stormed out of the flat in tears some time ago, fully dressed and looking a mess. Zak came out shortly after, glanced at my catatonic state and then went and held the shrieking Alicia. I wasn’t watching, but I could see. I could see into Rhys’s room, and I could see Zak caring for Alicia. Zak seemed furious and worried at the same time. His right hand was red and he was shaking it as he gently rocked Alicia. Rhys came out of his room with a bloody lip and cut on his face. I guess Zak had hit him. Shouldn’t that make me feel happy? Or make me feel something? Why am I so empty?
Rhys glanced at me, and I could tell he was worried. I could tell he was going to apologise.
“Don’t talk to her.” Zak said loudly. “Don’t even look at her.”
I wanted to thank Zak, but I couldn’t. I just continued to stare at the same spot. At least this was numbing the pain. At least now all my feelings were slowly fading away…
Rhys wiped tears from his eyes and headed over to Zak. He hesitated for a moment, watching him struggle with the screaming Alicia.
“I can-” Rhys started, but Zak started shouting.
“If you even think I’m going to give her to you, then you need your brain checking. Piss off, now! Before I do something I regret.”
Rhys took a few steps back. He glanced at me, then back at Alicia. Her arms were stretched out for him, but Zak was holding her back. Finally, Rhys turned on his heel and left.
As soon as the door closed, Zak crouched down next to me.
“Gaby? Gaby are you okay?” He had one arm around Alicia and the other on my shoulder, then around my neck, cupping my face. “Gaby please.” He was begging.
If I could I would, Zak.
He couldn’t hear me, and I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t do anything. There was no chance. He stood up, a panicked look on his face. And then he walked with Alicia out of sight. I could still hear her screaming. I knew they were still here.
“Lorna, Lorna you have to come to halls now!” He paused, his voice sounding hysterical. “Just do it!” He shouted, “It’s Gaby..”
He was quiet for a long time. Was Lorna asking her many questions as she usually does? Or did Zak just hang up? Oh everyone’s going to be worrying about me now… Brilliant.
“Kris it’s Zak. I don’t know why your phones off, but I need you to come to halls now. It’s Gaby… Something’s happened.” He sighed, and walked back into my view. I wasn’t focussed on him, but I could see him rocking Alicia, trying to make her stop crying.
I don’t know how long went by, but suddenly Lorna was in halls. I couldn’t see her. I don’t know if she could see me sat against the wall, but I knew she could see Zak struggling with Alicia.
“What’s going on?” Lorna asked, breathless. I saw Zak look at me. And then Lorna was at my side. Her eyes were wide with fear as she watched silently, probably checking to see if I was still breathing.
She sighed with relief.
“Gaby.” She said, and when I didn’t respond to my name she got worried again. “Gaby? Gaby!!” She held onto my hand and pulled my sleeves back, probably looking for cuts. “Oh my God.” She gasped, looking at the bruises. She pulled back at the other sleeve. Then she dropped both my arms and turned on Zak.
“What the hell happened?! What’s going on?!”
“Rhys cheated on her with Natalie.” Zak explained, as Lorna held her arms out for Alicia – who was still shrieking. “She walked in on them.”
I heard Lorna gasp. She held Alicia close to her, and finally the screaming stopped.
“Oh. Oh no.” Lorna didn’t sound that surprised, just worried. Zak was watching her intently, then he was down at my side again.
“Gaby, come on! Snap out of it!” He lightly slapped my face.
“Did Rhys hurt her?” Lorna asked.
“No. I don’t know what happened to her wrists.” Zak said, taking hold of my hand. I could only just feel it.
“Have you called Kris?”
“His phone was off, I left a message.” Zak explained. The flat door opened.

“Hey, hey!” I heard Archie’s voice. Zak’s head snapped up and looked at him. “Wh-” There was a slight pause. “What’s happened? Is she alright?!”
“No.” Lorna said, and she sounded like she was crying. “Do we call an ambulance? I don’t know what to do.”
Zak stood up and I’m guessing he had gone to comfort her. I continued to stare at the space on the wall, hoping with all my heart they didn’t call an ambulance.
“What’s happened?” Archie asked, his voice slightly higher than normal. He was kneeling down by me now, waving his hand in front of my face. I didn’t react.
“She just walked in on Rhys and Natalie.” Lorna explained, more tears leaking from her eyes. I heard Alicia whine then. Why have I disconnected from my body? Why don’t I care anymore?
“What?!” Archie seemed as angry as Zak. “Have you tried hitting her?”
“Kind of.” Zak muttered quietly.
“Shall we call an ambulance?” Lorna repeated, but then the door opened again.
“Zak, what is it?” Kris’s voice asked, frantic. How much time had passed? Didn’t I drop Kris off in Chester? “Oh my God. What’s wrong with her?” He asked, after almost a minute.
“Rhys.” Lorna explained. “She’s gone catatonic.” Her voice was thick. She was still crying.
Kris crouched down beside me this time, moving Archie out of the way. He stroked my face, and then I came crashing back. My eyes snapped towards his and the pain took over. The pain. Worse than when Kris had left to go to Australia. Worse than when I was first forced to stay in a treatment centre for my issues. Equal to the pain felt when my Dad died. It was like hell had taken over my body, forcing me to live with demons torturing Every. Single. Cell.
Less than a second had passed. Lorna choked on her tears as she watched me reach desperately for Kris. The tears started pouring from my eyes, and I couldn’t stop sobbing. I buried my head into Kris’s shoulder and he just held me as tight as possible. Watching as my heart broke over and over again.

I cheated on Rhys.
Rhys cheated on me.
Is this how he felt? Is this pain the same thing?
It makes no sense. Am I being a hypocrite? Because if Rhys was hurting this bad how could he even think of taking me back?
All I want to do is kill him.
All I want to do is die…

Lorna's POV

I hate my course. I hate it. I hate it. I HATE it and I now had to cram around 3 months of it into 3 weeks and I just don’t have the motivation at all. I was lying on top of Zak’s bed with bits of paper scattered all over it. I’d met up with Chloe – off of my course - yesterday and she’d offered me her notes. Not before she begged the reason why I just disappeared for months! She gave up eventually and then brought her notes to halls later on in the afternoon. I have never been so bored. Although Chloe’s doodles had amused me, every page of notes had at least one drawing one it; giraffes, cats, elephants, pigs, buses, scissors, guns? (not gonna lie that one is worrying!) and lots of various other different things but they were so much more fun to look through than the notes. I just don’t care. I don’t want to work with kid’s anymore! I just don’t. I’m not going to admit that though because then everyone will worry that because I can’t have my own kid’s I just don’t want to look after anyone else’s. That’s not why. At least I don’t want to believe that’s why!
I’d been to the doctors yesterday. It was horrible and to make it worse I spent the whole day arguing with Zak about it. He wanted to come and I truthfully admitted that I’d rather he didn’t which caused fight number one of the day. Then when I got back we ended up in another fight because I didn’t go into enough detail about what the doctors said. Then the third and final fight happened over football – which isn’t that bad and is quite a regular fight for me and Zak!
I got told yesterday that if I wanted I could have fertility tests done, involving some sort of biopsy on the lining of my uterus to test if it had healed correctly or something like that. I’m not sure. They then went on to say that even if the test results were good I still might be unable to carry my own children because my uterus may tear due to the damage that was caused when I fell and that this was a huge risk for me to take with my own life. Then for the final blow he admitted that he thought the best thing for me to do was to have a hysterectomy. That was just so, final. I have to go back next week to have a further discussion about my options. The doctor had just gone on and on for most of the appointment about how hysterectomy was definitely the best option. I don’t agree with him. It’s my choice. I should be able to take the risk with my own life if I want to! I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t really talk to anyone about it because they’d just say I was being stupid and irresponsible but nothing was definite!
“I’m going to halls” Zak said, opening the door to the bedroom. “Are you coming or not?”
“Nope” I replied. We still weren’t really on speaking terms because I kept insisting the doctor said nothing but I knew Zak would probably agree with the doctors if I told him what was said.
“See you later then” He sighed and turned away.
“I love you Zakky!” I shouted feeling guilty for being such a shitty girlfriend once again.
“I love you too” He said harshly as if he was annoyed by the fact. I heard the door to the flat slam.

--

“Should’ve said no, should’ve gone home, should’ve thought twice before you let it all go” I sang along to my iPod loudly, knowing I had the flat to myself. I’d been looking over these notes for over an hour now. I give up. So boring! I stood up off of the bed and stopped until the dizziness went away as usual then walked through to the kitchen in search of my phone to text Zak and ask if he was still at Halls.
You’re a fallen star CREEPY! Now he’s phoning me. I stopped dead in the living room trying to work out where the phone was coming from and I eventually noticed it was sat on the arm of the couch. I picked it up and stuck it to my ear.
“I was just about to tex-“ I began but Zak quickly cut me off.
“Lorna,” He started. “Lorna, you have to come to halls now!” He said, panicked.
“I was just about to text and say-“ I started but again, Zak cut me off.
“Just do it!” He snapped. Something’s wrong. If anyone could put up with my hyper babbling it was Zak.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, scared.
“It’s Gaby…”
“I’ll be there!” I said, quickly. Picking up my jacket from the back of the couch and heading out of the door straight away. What the hell’s going on?!

---

“I don’t believe this” Zak said, we were perched at the end of my bed both intently watched Alicia. She was sat on the floor watching Tinga Tinga Tales on my laptop. Thank god for YouTube. The three of us were hidden away in my bedroom. “How could they?!” He said. I couldn’t answer him. I just sat there cuddled into his shoulder. Watching Alicia sat there on the floor, smiling and giggling away. Completely unaware of what her mummy was going through right now. “They must’ve done it before.” Zak muttered, his knee beginning to tap repetitively.
I nodded. We sat there in complete silence.
“I knew “ I shamefully admitted. Zak’s leg stopped tapping. He sat up straight and looked at me.
“What?” Zak asked.
“I knew about Rhys and Natalie” Zak’s arm was no longer wrapped around my back. He had distanced himself from me completely.
“When?” Zak said, looking away from me in disgust.
“Since Gabs was about 7 months pregnant” I sobbed. Zak’s jaw dropped.
“How could you do that to her?” He said, shaking his head in disbelief. “Not tell her for that long?!”
“You see what she’s like now” I stated . “She was pregnant then!”
“So they’ve been at it for months, behind her back and you didn’t even have the fucking decency to tell her!” He said loudly. I gave him a look as he had just swore in front of Alicia. She looked up at us clearly realising that something was up as Zak was angry.
“They stopped” I said. “They were over!”
“Well they clearly weren’t!” He snapped. He’d moved further away from me along the bed. “I understand not telling Gaby then but why not now?! After Alicia was born!”
“It had stopped! Then Gaby and Kris slept together and Gaby and Rhys were done! And it’s not like I didn’t make it clear that she should not get back with Rhys!”
“That wasn’t enough” He sighed angrily. “You’re meant to be her best friend! You should’ve told her!”
“I was trying to protect her!” I said. “From this!” I said gesturing across the hall where Gaby was there, still an almost catatonic state with Kris by her side.
“Protect her?!” Zak scoffed. “You’ve just sat back and watched while she learned to love him more and more! If you’d have told her months ago it may have been easier!” He harshly stated. “Yeah not by much but!”
“I couldn’t have told her while she was pregnant.” I repeated again. “And after she had Alicia I thought it was done! I knew it was done!”
“So you’ve not been aware they were doing it since before July?” He asked. My jaw hardened.
“When I was in the hospital-“ I started causing Zak to sigh angrily. He stood up and faced me. He was more than angry with me. I stayed quiet prompting Zak to ask
“What happened there?”
“They kissed” I said. “You were there, asleep. They thought I was as well” I sat there watching Alicia, avoiding Zak’s disappointed gaze.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked. I stayed silent. “Why didn’t you tell me?!” He repeated this time even more angrily.
“I don’t know.” I muttered. I felt so small. All this time I thought I was doing the right thing. I couldn’t be more wrong.
“I’m sick of this” He said. I looked up of him confused! “You!” He snapped. My heart gave a painful squeeze. “All the lying and the secrets!” I said nothing. I had nothing to say. “How can I trust you again when you’ve spent the last 7 months letting 2 of your flat mates have a disgusting affair behind your best friend’s back?!
“I tried to stop it!”
“Clearly not hard enough!” He snapped back. “You should’ve told me.”
“I almost did” I admitted. “So many times”
“You almost did?” He said. “I suppose that’s better than just not telling me” He said sarcastically. “You tell me nothing.” He said. “Nothing” He repeated. “You don’t tell me that you’ve got a brother! You don’t tell me that you’re pregnant! You don’t tell me what the hell the doctor’s said to you yesterday!”
“He didn’t say anything.” I snapped. Why wouldn’t he just give up already?!
“Another lie” He sighed and we just sank back into silence.

------------

”So where is it your parents are?” Jeffery asked. I knew he wasn’t the slightest bit interested. His eyes were scanning the room most probably looking for his newest one night stand. He was in my brother’s year at Uni. I’d met him before, only a couple of times. Adrian and him weren’t the best of friend’s they were in constant competition in med school but somehow, he always ended up at our “our parents are away for 3 weeks! Let’s trash the house – and spend the next 3 weeks tidying it – parties”.
“Rio“ I replied, giving as little information as possible so maybe he would be uninterested and just walk off. I’d come back inside about 20 minutes ago to get drinks for everyone. I’d gotten the drinks had them taken off me by random; had to stop a game of catch where my mum’s Swarovski crystal ornaments were being used instead of a ball; had a random guy touch my arse; had various other inappropriate comments shouted at me and now I was trapped talking to the most posh, snooty, arrogant man I had ever met.
“Wonderful!” He sang in his posh- I’m too good to be in this vile town – accent. “My parent’s spend October there every year”
“That’s lovely” I said trying my hardest to sound even remotely interested, “I really need to take these to my friend’s” I said, showing the 6 pack of cider and various bottles of blue wkd I was holding.
“I shall speak to you later Laura” He said.
“Lorna.” I stated before turning away and heading out of the conservatory doors. All of my friend’s had sort of hidden themselves at the bottom of the garden. We were having our own little party on the small patio at the bottom of the garden. Most of Alyson’s friend’s had taken over the pool, in their little tiny bikini’s displaying their perfectly flat stomachs and massive boobs! Not going to lie, I am jealous! And then most of Adrian’s friends had taken over the living room, dining room, kitchen, spare room, conservatory and some of them had even most properly gone and used the bedrooms as well!
“LORNA!” I heard a familiar voice shout and I stopped and turned to look around for him.
“Lewis!” I shouted back. He held his arms out for a hug and I sort of just walked into his arms as mine were full. Lewis is Adrian’s best friend. Had been for as long as I’d been alive.
“Still with the boyfriend?” He asked.
“Yes!” I beamed. “And I love him more than anything!” I continued.
“It’ll never last!” He laughed. He was clearly wasted. Swaying from side to side as he spoke to me. “You’re only like what? 12!”
“I’m 16 actually!” I laughed. “And it’s lasted for almost a year so far”
“You’re too good for him sweetie!” He said, tapping my nose. I rolled my eyes. Typical Lewis. Treating me as though I’m a little girl!
“I’ll see you later!” I smiled. Even when he was drunk he was still the most amazing looking person I knew – who wasn’t a celebrity but I don’t know them so …
As I reached the bottom of the garden I could see all of my bestest friend’s - Losers that they are - having their own little separate party. Andrew looked up and saw me walking toward them and ran over to help me carry all the different various bottles and cans I was holding.
“Where’s Neil?” Andrew asked as he reached me.
“Huh?” I asked, as we moved closer over to the small patio. It was pitch black outside but the large sun umbrellas were up. And there were lots of candles around so that we could see.
“He went back up into the house to look for you about 20 minutes ago” He explained. “You’ve been gone for ages so, he got worried – as usual – and went to find you”
“Oh” I said.
“Kyle went with him” Andrew continued to go on. “But I think he was just wanting to go into the grown up party” Andrew laughed like a child. It was my friends who had migrated to the little patio because it was better than being up there with over 100 of my siblings “closest” friend’s.
“I’ll go look for him in 5” I said. “I’ve just spoken to Lewis so if Lewis sees him he’ll send him back down!”

---

“THRILLER!” I screeched. “Thriller nights!” As I did the zombie like dance moves along with Rachel, Andrew, Kerrie and Joanne while the rest of the group laughed at us. I wasn’t even that drunk. I was just in the party sort of mood. I was too concerned about the house to get drunk. Last time we had this sort of the party we ended up having to buy a new fridge because someone actually stole ours!
I continued to dance away to the song quite happily when all of a sudden we heard an uproar of laughter coming from around the pool. We all stopped and looked over.
“Wonder what they’re laughing at?” Rachel asked, voicing what we were all thinking.
“ALYSON’S A CRADLE SNATCHER!” A drunken guy shouted from over beside the pool.
“She’s just a HOE!” A girl shouted in reply. What’s she done?! I stormed off up the garden to until I reached the group of people crowded around the pool. I knew that Claire and Danielle had both followed me, probably concerned I’d get angry and overprotective of my big sis!
“BABY BEAR!” Rachel – Alyson’s best friend – shouted sympathetically as she walked toward me. “Are you alright?” She stuck her arms out and almost fell into me for a hug. I laughed. Someone’s had a bit too much to drink!
“I’m fine!” I smiled. “But you need to get some water!”
“You’re happy?” She asked loudly, her eyebrows furrowing.
“Yes?” I replied. “I’d be even more happier if I could find my big sister and find out why everyone’s shouting stuff!”
“You don’t know” She muttered, her eyes widening in shock.
“I don’t know what?” I asked, concerned. “Is Alyson okay?” I asked panicked.
“She’s fine” She said.
“Well what’s she done?” I demanded.
“I don’t think I should tell you!” She said, falling toward me again. She could hardly keep her balance.
“I think you should!” I smiled.
“No!!” She shouted, like a small child who didn’t want to do something.
“HEY RACH!” A man who I didn’t know staggered over to her. “Look at what someone’s sending round!” He said holding his phone out in Rachel’s face.
“I don’t want to see it!” She stated.
“What is it?” I asked. The guy stuck his hand out in front of my face with his phone in. Rachel quickly whacked the man’s arm away. I quickly grabbed the phone from the guy’s hand.
My heart stopped, cracked and shattered into god knows how many pieces. My eyes filled instantly. As vile as the picture was I couldn’t take my eyes off it, hoping that my eyes were seeing it wrong. They didn’t do that. They wouldn’t do that. Neil wouldn’t do that to me. Alyson would do that to me. They just wouldn’t do that.
Yet another drunken man stumbled into our little group. “Did you hear Aly got caught in bed with her little sister’s boyfriend!! I don’t even think the wee man’s even 16 yet!” He roared with laughter, hearing it was even worse.
“Wait!” The drunken man who had had the picture on the phone said. “Aren’t YOU the little sister?!” I turned away instantly. I saw the anxious looks of my best friend’s faces. I walked as quickly as I could away from them – all of them pitying me, making jokes about something that could cause my heart more pain than imaginable. I couldn’t stay here anymore. I started to run. The chatter of voices getting louder and louder as I ran further and further. I reached the fence at the very bottom of the garden and climbed over it as fast as I could – tearing my dress and my tights as I went. I’d lost my shoes before I’d even reached the trees at the bottom of the garden so that I could run faster; away from the hurt, the humiliation, the heartbreak. The second I entered the field I fell onto the ground; unable to run, unable to think, unable to feel.

It was like over 5 years ago now when I found out Alyson had slept with Neil and I was still able to remember every single detail of that night. There are certain things in life people are never able to forget. Yeah, I was younger when that happened but that doesn’t mean it hurt any less. I loved him. He was my “first love”. I honestly thought we were going to be like one of those high school couples that ended up getting married and having kids but no, he did the kid’s part with my sister!
Gaby was going to carry about what happened today forever. I thought that they weren’t doing that anymore. I thought that it was finished, over for good. I thought that maybe, just maybe Gaby didn’t need to go through this, that it would be forgotten, that she’d move on from Rhys.
Zak and I had been sat in silence in the park for about half an hour. Alicia was asleep in her buggy all tugged up so that she wouldn’t be too cold. Kris texted about 10 minutes ago saying that Gaby had fallen asleep in his room and also thanking us for looking after Alicia. The park was empty. No wonder because it was freezing but it felt good to be out of the flat, away from the crying and the shouting.
“What did the doctor say?” Zak asked randomly, taking my hand.
“That I am fine” I repeated again. He gave me a stern look. “He just wants me to go for tests” Zak gave my hand a squeeze.
“What kind of tests?” Zak asked sounding deeply concerned.
“On my Uterus.” I replied awkwardly. “They can work out if I will be to get pregnant by doing some biopsy on the lining or something like that”
“Isn’t that a good thing though babe?” Zak said, still holding on to my hand.
“Not really” I sighed. “It could be bad either way.”
“What?” Zak asked confused.
“They warned me that even if I was able to get pregnant my uterus - because of the damage – might not cope with getting bigger when the baby does meaning that I can’t have babies and I’m putting myself in danger by getting pregnant so even if these tests come back positive there’s still a chance it might not happen.” I stopped. “They tried to convince me to get a hysterectomy”
“That’s where they remove your uterus altogether” Zak asked. I simply nodded. We sat in silence again for seconds but they felt like minutes. “Wouldn’t that be the safer option” Zak asked. It hurt me but I didn’t want to argue. Not today. Gaby was the main priority right now.
“Can we talk about this another time please?” I asked. I didn’t want to be having this conversation here, even if no one was about. “We need to take Alicia back to halls.”
“Do you think Rhys and Natalie will be back tonight?” He asked, allowing the subject to be changed. I shook my head. He stood up off of the bench and bent down in front of Alicia’s pram.
“Do you think we should keep Alicia?” Zak asked as he watched her for a few seconds.
“What?!” I asked, shocked.
“I meant for tonight!” He replied, turning round and looking at me.
“Oh!” I said. “I don’t know. It depends. Maybe.”
“Shall we go?” He said, taking hold of Alicia’s pram. I nodded and stood up and wrapped my arm around Zak’s and we started to walk back in the direction of halls.

It seemed to take us longer than usual to reach drive ‘n buy. Zak randomly decided he wanted to get some food for the his flat. I couldn’t help but laugh at Zak as he tried to carefully steer Alicia’s pram around the tight aisles.
“What else do you want?” I asked Zak, looking into the fridge.
“Diet C –“ He started. “I’m sorry!” He said sounding slightly panicked, and I quickly turned round. He was talking to a little old lady he’d obviously just knocked her with Alicia’s pram. I did tell him I’d stay outside with it!
“What a gorgeous daughter you’ve got!” The woman beamed.
“Sh-“ Zak started but I quickly cut him off.
“Thank you” I smiled, politely.
“She’s the spitting image of you” The woman commented. I had to struggle to hold in my laugh.
I just smiled in reply. She just stood there for a few more seconds watching Alicia. “How old is she?”
“5 months” Zak replied. The woman continued to just look in awe at Alicia who was still sound asleep.
“I’ve got my first grandchild on the way!” She started. You can never shut old people up! “I’m convinced it’s going to be a little girl!”
“That’s Lovely” I smiled.
“I’m quite excited!” She beamed and I smiled again. Bless her!
“Aww!” I smiled before just standing there awkwardly. This was odd. She was still stood there staring at Alicia.
“Oh!” She said. “Sorry! She’s just too cute!
“I know” Me and Zak both said at the same time.
“See you later!” She smiled before walking over to the till. I always found it odd when complete strangers said that because it’s not like we will actually see her ever again! I went into the fridge and then handed Zak over the bottle of Diet Coke.
“People are way too nice sometimes” I laughed.
“What?”
“She just said Alicia was the spit of me!” I said. “Now it’s a lovely compliment but Alicia looks nothing like me!”
“True” He smiled. “Can you get the pram while I go pay for this?”
“Sure” I said taking Alicia’ pram and trying to manoeuvre it out of the shop. My attempt was much more successful than Zak’s. I was used to it though. Becky’s pram was a nightmare! I pushed the pram out of the shop and stood there just outside waiting for Zak. I looked around the small village as I stood there, completely empty. It was like a ghost town. I’d never seen it this quiet! Ever! Zak came out of the shop and put the plastic bag in the little basket part at the bottom of Alicia’s pram, look at me smiled and then we headed slowly back towards halls, dreading what would be going on.

Gaby's POV

Lorna and Zak were arguing in her room. Archie was making a cup of tea in the kitchen. Kris was lying on the sofa, with me wedged between him and the back. I wasn’t numb anymore. I could feel every torturous pain in my whole body. Everything.
How?! How could Rhys do this to me? How could Natalie do this to me? I know we haven’t exactly been close recently, but God! We used to be practically best friends. I thought we still were good friends. But to see them, doing that…
I gasped as a new wave of pain hit me, and tears started flooding from my eyes again. Kris seemed shocked and almost went to move away. I guess he assumed just my thoughts couldn’t cause a pain like that, so he must have hurt me by accident.
“Are you okay?” He asked quietly, stroking my head. I went to speak, but nothing came out except sobs. Harsh sobs. So instead I shook my head. He held me tighter and I just tensed up. I’m falling apart. It’s so obvious.
“Do you want anything, Gabs? A drink or something to eat?” Archie asked, now standing above me over the sofa. I shuffled so I could sit myself up, and wiped my eyes. I took a few deep breaths, trying to steady myself to speak for the first time since… Just since.
It was almost a minute when I could finally reply.
“C-can I have some water please?” My voice was husky. I tried coughing, but I just ended up choking because my breathing was so unsteady. It made me cry more. I can’t do anything right!
Kris put his arms around my shoulders and pulled me back so I could lie down. I heard the tap running, and then the sound of a glass being put on the coffee table next to me. I was dying of thirst, but I knew if I moved I’d break down again.
“You should’ve told me!!” I heard Zak’s voice, and he didn’t sound happy. I heard Lorna’s pleading voice, but I had no idea what was being said.
“Archie, can you tell them to shut up?” Kris asked, his voice loud in my ear. Just as I heard Archie’s footsteps heading towards Lorna’s room, they both went silent. All I could hear was Alicia giggling to herself. I sat myself up.
“I should take Alicia home.” I said, wiping my eyes with the base of my palms. I turned to Kris, silently telling him to move so I could stand up. He just stared at me, like I was mad.
“I’m not letting you look after her in this state.” He said, but he still let me by. I took a drink of water before getting up.
“She needs to go home, Kris. It’s almost 6 and she hasn’t had her tea yet. Sh-she needs to be asleep in the next hour or so..” I was starting to freak myself out, thinking about what I had to do. Could I manage it? I need to be there for her, but I’m just standing and talking to Kris now and my legs feel like jelly.
“Gaby, I’m sure Lorna and Zak will be happy to do that..” Archie spoke from behind me. I turned to him.
“I can’t burden them with her.” I said, turning back to Kris. He shook his head.
“I’m siding with Archie here. They won’t think of it as a burden. Look, you’re in no state to look after her. I came here an hour ago and you were catatonic. What if that happens again?” He honestly seemed concerned for Alicia’s sake.
“I won’t let it.” I said, my teeth grinding together. It was seriously taking all my strength to not flip out right now.
“No, you can’t. Either I'll have her tonight or Lorna and Zak can stay at your place with her.” Kris said, but I was already shaking my head.
“Kris, I need to-”
“No.” His tone was so final that I didn’t object. I stared at him for a long time, tears still pouring out of my eyes.
“I’m going to the bathroom.” I finally said, taking a deep breath and already heading down the corridor.
“Leave her.” I heard Archie say as I reached the door. I pushed it shut behind me and turned the lock straight away, sliding down the back of the door as the tears came whooshing out again. No, I don’t think I can look after Alicia tonight. But I still feel like I need her. I need her with me to keep me calm. I need her to be my reason of existence. Because right now, I feel like I’m nothing anymore.

-

I stared at the dark ceiling begging myself not to think anymore. Not to imagine all the things Rhys and Natalie had done behind my back. It was making me feel sick. Thinking about it. I realised that something must have been going on for a while. I’m guessing the reason for Natalie distancing herself from me was because of Rhys. And the reason she ratted on me to the head of corridor (which I swear she did!)… And why she kept trying to tell me something, but then asked some random question. How long had this been going on? Natalie went off me about 6 months ago. Could it have been so long? Could it have been when I was at the end of my pregnancy? Is that where they were the night I was in labour? Both unreachable, both together.
I had to stop thinking about it, because my heart was breaking more and more each time.

Kris had left me in here about an hour ago now, and he’d gone out not too long afterwards. Where to? I have no idea. But he thought I was asleep, and I’m not. I’ve not slept a wink. I just need my own space now. There was a moment where I was clinging to Kris with dear life, but that would do nothing now. He’s not the one I’m yearning for anymore. I’ve had this moment with Kris, and now it’s Rhys’ turn. Pathetic, really.
The bed wasn’t comfy. It was keeping me awake and making me think. I want my own home, my own bed, my own space. I don’t want to be in Kris’ room and in halls. No one I want to speak to is here. Hell, the only person I want to speak to is Lorna and she scarpered almost straight away. Yes, I wanted Kris at first, but that was only because I thought he’d help. I thought it would make a difference having him cling to me and close the large, empty, gaping hole - but it really hasn’t.
I pulled my feet out of bed and carefully stood up, before hobbling over to the door and turning on the light. It hurt my eyes. I pulled Kris’ door open and walked through the dark corridor down to the kitchen. Had everyone gone to bed? I couldn’t tell. I thought I hadn’t slept, yet the time said it was half 1. When had I gone through to Kris’ room?! I swear I hadn’t slept..
I turned the small dingy light on over the cooker and sat at the counter, my head in my hands. It was hard to breathe. It was hard to focus. It’s strange how something that seems so basic can be so painful. Just looking at Rhys’ door is physically hurting me! Weird, that used to be Kris’ room. It just has that effect on me.
Whoever lives in that room will always break my heart.
“Are you okay?” Archie’s voice made me jump a mile. He walked out of the darkness from the corridor and pulled up a stool to join me. I took a deep breath and tried to smile.
“I’ve been better.” I admitted and he nodded. “How are you? I’m sorry I haven’t asked or even spoken to you really. I feel like a bitch, turning everything around to being about me all the time…”
“You haven’t done anything.” Archie told me, a frown on his face. “Don’t blame yourself for any of this Gaby. You don’t deserve it.”
I smiled, “Thanks Archie, but you didn’t answer my question. Are you okay?”
Archie hadn’t been back since Zoë’s funeral well over a month ago. I don’t know if he’s healed or not, but right now he’s acting like a changed man. For now, I like it. But tomorrow all I'll want is for him to make dirty comments again.
“I’m honestly alright.” He said, looking at me. “I didn’t expect to come back to this!” He laughed and I truly smiled! “But no, I’m fine. It’s you I’m worried about.”
“Don’t be.” I sighed, “I’m used to this.”
“What?”
“Heartbreak.” I looked at the floor. I guess I am used to it. I’ve never been in a relationship without it ending in heartbreak, obviously.
“It’s a killer.” Archie said sadly.
“Have you ever been heartbroken?” I asked, my eyebrows raised. I only ever hear of Archie having one night stands, not girlfriends!
“Gaby, why do you think I came here?” His voice was almost patronising. Like what he was about to say was totally obvious. I just looked at him.
“I have no idea.” And it was the truth. I just looked at him. I had always thought it was strange that Archie joined the crew halfway through the year. I never really thought to ask. I didn’t like Archie at first. He stole my room…
“Heartbreak. It killed me.” He admitted, a sad smile on his face. I just stared at him. Archie had come here because he was heart broken? Well he’s an extremely good actor then! Because from day one he’s seemed like a sleaze who couldn’t care less about who he shagged.
“Who?” I asked, and it came out like I was excited about this story. Oops. Archie just smiled at me.
“A girl called Vanessa.” He said her name like he was disgusted now. “I’d been going out with her for a year, and we chose to go to the same university together. I even proposed.” Archie looked a little ashamed of himself. I gasped out loud. He is definitely pulling my leg!
“This is a joke right?” My eyes were wide. He just laughed at me and carried on.
“No, we were engaged for about 3 weeks when she came into my room and told me it was over and she’d found someone else.” His emotions turned from comedic to traumatised in a heart beat. I just waited for a minute.
“Oh Archie, I’m so sorry.”
He just shrugged, “We lived on the same corridor – there weren’t apartments at KC University – so I tried to find a new place to live. It worked for a while, but then I kept seeing her and realised it would just be better to leave altogether. Zoë convinced me to come here.” His eyes clouded over then and all the joking was over. I had no idea where KC University was, but this Vanessa had pretty much forced Archie out of there. Away from any friends he’d made. And not only that, she’d turned him into a pretty disgusting guy too.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?” I asked, confused.
“I wanted a fresh start.” He admitted, a smile on his face now. “And this last year has been the most amazing of my life. Well, until…” He left it hanging, staring at the floor. I could see his eyes were starting to fill with tears.
“Not quite a year yet.” I told him. He just smiled and we were forced into silence. I watched him as he re-thought about everything. It was almost like I could see the memories through his eyes, feel the pain he’d once felt.
My eyes flickered to Rhys’ door again, and a few tears dropped out of my eyes. Archie put a hand, reassuringly, on my shoulder.
“Everything will be alright soon. I promise.”
I just nodded at him, too afraid to speak. I was holding it all in. I had to hold it all in.
“Do you reckon-” I paused to clear my throat. “Do you think they’ll be coming back tonight?”
“No.” Archie told me firmly. I just nodded. He’s probably spoken to one of them, if not both of them. I wonder if they’re together. Maybe at Rhys’ parents’. Or maybe they’re both at Hannah’s. They’ll both be together. It actually stung thinking about it.
I stood up. Everything was becoming too much now. If it wasn’t nearly 2 in the morning I’d go for a walk.
“I’m sorry, I’m totally stealing your thunder right now.” I could feel my hands shaking as I walked to get my coat at the door. Screw the time, I have to leave.
“Woah! Gaby, chill. Where do you think you’re going?” He was standing in front of me now. I already had my coat on.
“Er..” I didn’t have a plan, so I just shrugged. He looked back over his shoulder, like he was debating something in his head. If he was going to offer to come with me, I’d have to kill him. “Look, I need space right now. And I’m sure you do too. After everything…” I paused, “I just can’t be here. Do you know how many memories I have in this place – with him?! I can’t. I just… I can’t.. I can’t..” I didn’t realise I was crying until I felt myself slipping onto my knees, too weak to hold it all in any longer. Archie fell with me, pulling me into a hug. My sobs were shaking through me, hurting my chest more than necessary. I tried to keep myself silent, but it was just so god damn hard!
“Do you want me to get Kris?” Archie asked, after 5 minutes of my weak tears.
“No.” I said it too quickly. “No, I want to go home. Please can I go home?” I was asking like I was a little girl and I needed permission. And Archie seriously looked like he needed permission to let me.
“I'll walk you.”
“I can walk myself.”
“I think Lorna and Zak are staying there. With Alicia.”
“Then they can clear off, I’m fine now.”
“Gaby, it’s 2 in the morning. Just wait – a few hours.” He was pleading with me. Kris had threatened him somehow, hadn’t he?
“Can I go for a walk, please? Alone.” I was adamant about leaving the flat.
“I guess I can’t stop you.” Archie said as I stood up and opened the door.
“No you can’t.” I said, already in the process of leaving. I stopped just before the door closed and sighed. “Hey, er, thanks.”
“For what?”
“Telling me your story. Distracting me for a few minutes. It did help.” I tried to smile, but I know it didn’t reach my eyes. He smiled back at me. I went to leave.
“Gaby?”
“Yes Archie?”
“Would you mind not telling anyone?” He was chewing on his lip.
“Of course not.” I smiled and closed the door quickly before he could call me back.

-

My eyes opened to the yellowish glow of the sun streaming through the glass of a window I didn’t recognise. It took me a good 30 seconds before I realised where I was. A hotel room on the motorway, 17 miles outside of Chester. Last night, after I’d left halls, I walked to my flat and got in my car. I had my keys on me, my purse and phone had been in the pocket of my coat. I didn’t know where I was planning on going, but I needed to leave Hollyoaks for a bit. I was originally intending to go camp out with Sam and Ella, but it was too late so I continued straight for the M53, found the nearest services and checked into a room. I text Archie as soon as I got there, telling him exactly where I was and also telling him I’d be back today for Alicia. She was the only reason I hadn’t run away. The only reason I wasn’t on a plane out of this country right now.
I stretched, preparing for the heartache that would ruin this day. A stinging pain halted my negative thoughts, shooting all the way up both my arms. I looked at them both, peeling back my long sleeved shirt that clung to the sticky red liquid.
“Crap! Aw, crap!” I jumped up, running into the bathroom. How much damage had I caused? I took my top off so I was standing in just my bra and leggings and began washing the blood from my cuts. The clear liquid was stained red as my blood washed away down the drain. I paused to examine my arm. I honestly expected so much worse, the amount of blood there seemed to be.
On my left arm, there were 4 small cuts, each no longer than 2 or 3 centimetres. They were deep though, which I why they were stinging so bad. But they were pretty close together – easy to hide. I’d just put my watch on.
On my right arm, there was one large one, going vertically up my arm. It was about 6 centimetres long. That would be hard to cover up.. But I could do it. I’ve done it before.
Tears were stinging my eyes now. Thinking about hiding these. I was totally embarrassed by what I’d done. I’d been so weak last night, that I’d resorted to this – again! The shameful thing is that I’d actually done it with my keys. I worked to get them this deep for about a half an hour. I’m losing my mind.

Once I’d cleared myself up, I turned around to see the state I’d left the room in. It wasn’t the worst. There was a bit of blood on one of the bed sheets, but I think I'll be able to get that out with some of the soap. And I’d have to wash my top too.. Good job I have a hairdryer in the room.
I pulled the sheet off the bed and filled the sink with warm water. As I soaked the stained part of the sheet, I wondered if doing it in the bath would have made more sense… I suppose it didn’t matter either way. I scrubbed as hard as I could, but the stain only lifted as far as a light shade of pink. It wasn’t going anywhere without proper washing detergent. I gave up on that, dangling it over the towel rack to dry out whilst I washed my top. This I didn’t care about as much. It was already pretty dark, so you couldn’t really see the stain. It’s more the smell I was bothered about. Once I was done, I pulled out the hairdryer and began drying them both. Then I re-made the bed, pulled on my top and collapsed on the sofa.
My own fear had distracted me for a little while. Now I sat waiting, terrified of what was about to come. I couldn’t help but see the image of Rhys and Natalie on repeat in my head. I could tell I was about 30 seconds from totally lashing out… So I waited, holding my breath, preparing for pain.
Nothing.
Not a tear. Not a yearn.
Absolutely nothing.
And I actually smiled. No, I didn’t smile. I laughed. I laughed at how stupid this whole messed up situation is. How I’ve forced myself out of the place I call home just to get away from the madness. Yet here I am, perfectly fine. I pulled out my phone. It was 8 o clock in the morning. I had one missed call off Kris from 23 minutes ago. No texts, no extra calls. I think they’ve realised space is best for me – finally. And it has helped.
I walk over to the desk and pull on my watch so it covers the cuts on my left arm, then I roll my sleeves up. What is the point in hiding what I’ve done? Of course I’m ashamed, but how is anyone meant to help me if I keep hiding it? I leave my watch on, but leave the larger cut, up my right arm, on show. Then I quickly look around the room, checking everything I brought with me is in my coat pockets, and leave the hotel.
-

I didn’t go back to halls. Instead I went straight back to my flat, excited about seeing Alicia. She’d be awake, which meant whoever was with her would be awake. I bet they’ve had a restless night with her. She’s not a good sleeper when I am there, I have no idea how much of a pain she’d be when I’m gone.
I walked straight into the flat, brushing the hair out of my eyes as I did. Lorna was stood in the doorway of the kitchen, Alicia in her arms, talking to Zak who was on the sofa.
“Hey.” I said, smiling as I walked in. Zak looked at me, clearly expecting me to be the last person he saw right now. Seriously, this is my flat.
“Gaby, what are you doing here?” Lorna asked, shocked. I gave her a look.
“This is my flat, right?”
“Obviously! It’s just that Kris said you wouldn’t be back for a few days.” Lorna explained quickly, walking over to me and handing Alicia over. She’d started fussing the moment she heard my voice. I accepted her happily, and pulled her close to my chest.
“Why would he say that?” I asked confused.
“He said you’d gone somewhere and needed space.” Zak said, kneeling on the sofa so he could look at me. I saw his eyes focus on my arm and I self-consciously rolled down my sleeve. So much for not being ashamed.
“I got all the space I need. Besides, I couldn’t stay away from this little one for too long.” I kissed Alicia on the cheek. Zak was still staring at my arm, now like he had x-ray vision and could see everything I was trying to hide. Well, if he was going to search me he’d only find 4 more. Although, technically he’d find more. I still have a few scabs from my last drama. Most of them have healed and just formed pretty bad scars, but the deeper ones – like on my thighs and upper arms – are still there.
“Are you okay?” Lorna asked, sounding concerned. I think my lack of tears was worrying her.
“I’m fine.” I smiled. I can’t tell if I’m being truthful. I feel fine right now.. She didn’t seem to believe me. I looked back at Alicia, holding her hand and rubbing my nose against hers.
“Do you want anything to eat?” Zak asked, standing up. I looked at him and smiled.
“No thanks.”
“Oh, you’ve already eaten?” Lorna asked, walking over to Zak. I turned and looked at Alicia again.
“Yeah.” I lied. I wasn’t sure how convincing I sounded, but they didn’t question me further. Alicia yawned and I couldn’t help but smile at how cute she looked. “Has she had breakfast yet?”
“I was just about to do it.” Lorna replied, looking almost guilty. I smiled at her, then focussed on Alicia again.
“Let’s get you some grub misses.” I bounced through to the kitchen, feeling Lorna and Zak’s gobsmacked stares through my back…

Lorna's POV!

“It’s half 7 already!” I stated. “What will we do for tea?” I asked Zak. We were both just sprawled across Gaby’s couch watching Alicia. The TV was on in the background but both of us were watching Alicia instead. She was sat there on the floor surrounded by books and toys but she was only playing with her dog Russell and her elephant Alvin. One in each hand and I swear she was talking to them. What a little cutie! Every few minutes she would look up at me and Zak and sort of laugh! I think she’s enjoying having an audience.
“Dunno” Zak eventually replied. “Think Gabs will have anything in the fridge?”
“I doubt it. She’s not been here in weeks.” I replied. “Was she even here earlier?”
“Only for like 10 minutes” Zak sighed. “Then I convinced her to come over to halls.” He stopped and sat silently for seconds. “If I hadn’t have convinced her to come she wouldn’t have seen Rhys and Natalie.” He continued. “And I probably wouldn’t have caught them if it’d just been me! It’s not like I wouldn’t have heard them but I wouldn’t have thought it would be them, at all. It just doesn’t make sense to me. In my head it just doesn’t work!”
“I know” I sighed; completely clueless of what to say.
“Pizza Hut Delivery?” Zak asked randomly.
“Why not” I said. It was then when Alicia threw Alvin the elephant across the room. “What did you do that for Missy?!” I asked her. She just looked up at me innocently and Zak laughed.
“Alicia, what kind of pizza should me and Zak get?”
“Barbeque Americano!” Zak said before Alicia could even give a reaction to what I’d said.
“Okay” I said. “Get the meal deal with the starters! I’m starving!” I laughed.
“Right” He laughed, taking his phone out of his pocket and phoning it up. I sat up off of the couch and picked up Alicia.
“We should probably get you ready for bed!” I smiled as I began to walk through to Alicia’s room. “Your Daddy said he would be back over before you went to sleep just to check me and Zak were getting on alright!” I told Alicia. He even managed to make some sarcastic comment about how together me and Zak made one responsible adult. “But of course we are because you are the best baby EVER” I said, tapping Alicia softly on the nose. She smiled as she held Russell tightly while I lay her down onto of her changing table.
“Oh Alicia!! You definitely need your nappy changed!” I laughed. The smell was atrocious. I bent down and opened one of the drawers below. Alicia began to squeal loudly when she couldn’t see me anymore.
“I’m here!” I said, happily before popping back up again. She instantly stopped squealing and began to laugh. I sat the nappy down and spoke to Alicia: “Now where does your mummy keep your pajamas?” I asked her and she looked at me for a few seconds before bring Russell up to her mouth and beginning to chew on his leg. Lovely.
“Where?!” I asked her again cheerfully while tickling her tummy. I began searching through the drawers below her changing table and eventually found what I was looking for. “Found them!” I sang happily standing back up to look at Alicia who was still munching on poor Russell’s leg.
“Now to change this nappy” I said, bracing myself for the disgusting task ahead. I started to take Alicia’s leggings off. She was wearing an adorable little outfit with purple leggings and a cute little dress than buttoned up at the front. I took off her leggings and folded them up and sat them down at the side of the changing table and then took of her dress and did the same; now for the disgusting bit. I took a deep breath and started to undo the straps at the side of her nappy. Oh my god …
Zak appeared in the doorway and Alicia started to squeal again excitedly while I was trying to clean her up.
“I’m going back to the flat” He said walking in.
“C’mon, the smells not that bad” I said jokingly.
He rolled his eyes. “They asked me what address to deliver it to and I completely blanked. I have no clue what Gaby’s address is. So, I gave them mine!”
I started to laugh before realising, I have no clue what Gaby’s address is either!
“I need to get your pills as well if we’re staying here tonight” He said. “Since you left them earlier” he said accusingly. I did.
“It’s not like they do anything!” I said defensively, as I began to redress Alicia. “That’s much better! Isn’t it?” I said to Alicia, hoping that Zak would talk to Alicia as well and forget what we were talking about.
“I’m pretty sure they do!” He said. “If the doctors thought they didn’t do anything he wouldn’t have prescribed you more of them yesterday” He carried on.
“Whatever” I sighed. “I don’t think they help”
“You’ll be taking them until the doctor tells you to stop” He stated.
“Right then” I sighed. I decided it was better to just agree before he brought up what else the doctor had said to me yesterday. Alicia was ready and Zak picked her up instantly and of course Russell came too.
“When did your daddy say he was coming back over?” Zak said holding Alicia up in the air, making her giggle. I stood there watching them for a minute before realising Zak expected me to answer that question.
“He said he’d be back before Alicia went to bed and she usually goes down at half 7 I think. So I don’t know where he is?!” I said.
“Oh” Zak said, sounding puzzled. I could see why. It’s not like Kris to be late when Alicia’s involved. Zak turned and walked out of the room and back along the hall. “Do you want me to do her bottle before I go?” He asked as he reached the door to the kitchen.
“No it’s fine. I’ll get it .” I said. “I’ll try and have her settled by the time you get back”
“Okay” He said, kissing Alicia quickly on the top of the head. “Night Night” He said, as he handed her back to me. She didn’t look too happy that Zak was going. Am I really that bad?! “And I’ll see you in about half an hour” He said, leaning in and kissed me quickly on the lips.
“See you later” I said, as I heard the door to the flat close behind him. I walked into the kitchen and began talking to Alicia again.
“I wonder where you’re bottle is” I said, opening all of the cupboard doors to find it. You’d think I’d at least know where some things were. Gaby has lived here for ages. “There it is!” I said, reaching into the cupboard and bringing it down. The door chapped and I looked at Alicia confused.
“Maybe that’s your daddy!” I said walking through to the door. “And he’s came to give you a biiiiiiig cuddle before you go to bed.” I opened the door and there he was. Rhys. Alicia began to happily babble to Rhys straight away. Of course she did, she didn’t know any better. She didn’t know that the guy stood in front of us now had shattered her mummy’s heart into a million tiny little pieces. She wasn’t aware that it was his fault that it was Lorna and Zak that were looking after her tonight instead of her mummy. She wasn’t aware that her mummy was most probably punishing herself right at this moment for what had happened.
“Hello” Rhys said chirpily, clearly speaking to Alicia rather than me. I lifted my hand up and pushed the door shut but Rhys had caught it before it managed to close. I pushed on it hard with the one hand I had free but Rhys was fighting against me and managed to push his way through.
“Leave!” I said harshly.
“I need to know how she is!” He said sternly.
“I don’t want to see you, let alone speak to you” I said, sharply turning away from him hoping that Alicia would calm down. Her happiness at seeing Rhys annoyed me even further. “No one does!”
“Lorna, Please” He pleaded; the tone of his voice making me angrier than ever before. He grabbed hold onto the sleeve of my jumper so I couldn’t walk away. “Please” He repeated.
“No” I stated. I couldn’t turn round to face him. I wouldn’t be able to restrain myself from hitting him, kicking him, just getting my frustration out. It was over!
“Is she still at halls?” He asked, softly. Still I said nothing. “Has she gone to Blackpool?”
I just stood there not facing him. He had let go of my arm. I was free. I could’ve walked away but I stood there, motionless.
“Has-“ He stopped. His voice breaking slightly. “Has she hurt herself?” I stayed silent. “I need to know.”
“Rhys, just leave Gaby alone, leave Natalie alone” I stopped. “leave all of us alone!!”
“Don’t act like you’re completely innocent!” Rhys snapped. His soft gentle caring questions about Gaby completely forgotten. I know I’m not completely innocent. It’s not like that has not been plaguing my mind for months. I keep playing different scenario’s over in my head about what would’ve happened if I had just told her. It’s not like I haven’t had plenty of chances.
“Don’t you think I know that?!” I said. We both stayed quiet. Alicia was stroking my cheek. I think that she knew I was upset. “Rhys you need to leave”
“Where is she?”
“I don’t even know Rhys” I said, harshly. “Please just leave.”
“No” I stood there for a few seconds. I didn’t know how to make him leave. I didn’t know what to say. All I knew was that I couldn’t hit him in front of Alicia and that was all my head seemed to be telling me to do! “Zak and Kris are meant to be back here any minute Rhys” I explained. “And you know fine well that they’re not going to be as stupid as I’m being right now”
“Zak didn’t look like he would be coming back anytime soon” Rhys said, looking awkwardly at the floor.
“What the fuck Rhys?!” I said loudly. I shouldn’t have sworn in front of Alicia but I couldn’t help it. What the hell has he been doing outside?!
“I just saw him leave.” He said. “I thought Gaby would be here.”
“And you were going to say what exactly?!” I asked, outraged. “Sorry, I’ve been fucking your friend.”
Rhys didn’t respond. “Sorry, I’m a hypocrite. Sorry, that I made such a big deal over you sleeping with Kris. Sorry, I’ve lead you on. Sorry, I don’t love you. Sorry,” I stopped. I had ran out of things to say.
“I do love her” He said. My blood began to boil.
“Whatever.” I stated. “Go.” I stated strongly. “Just go” I repeated again and I felt him turn away and walk toward the door and quietly closed it behind him …

----

I couldn’t calm down. You know that point after an argument where you think of everything you should’ve said but didn’t. I was sat on the edge of Gaby’s bed watching Alicia. She wasn’t too happy when I first laid put her down but now she seemed to be settling. She had both Alvin and Russell in the cot beside her. Her whole routine today has been mucked up. I quietly tip toed past Alicia’s cot and out of the room as I walked down the hall I heard a quiet chap on the door. Please don’t be Rhys. Please don’t be Rhys. Please don’t be Rhys.
“Who is it?” I asked quietly.
“Who are you expecting it to be?” Zak asked confused. I laughed.
“Sorry” I said, opening the door. Zak was stood there with a large pizza box and a plastic bag.
“What was that all about?” He asked.
“I had to check!” I explained, should I bother to tell him? “Earlier I went and answered the door expecting it to be Kris” I began. Zak moved through to the sitting room, sat down on the couch and opened the small box containing the potato wedges and started to dig in.
“It was Rhys” I muttered, sitting down on the couch beside him.
His eyes widened. “What?” He asked in disbelief, his mouth filled with potato wedges.
“He was looking for Gaby” I explained.
“Why?”
“To apologize?” I sighed angrily. “I shouted at him, told him I didn’t know where Gaby was and he left. Alicia was so excited that he was here” I sighed sadly.
“I don’t believe I missed him” Zak said angrily.
“He saw you leave apparently” I said.
“Oh” Zak said, obviously unsure of what to say. I didn’t know what to say either. I reached forward and quickly stole a potato wedge.
“erm” Zak said reaching into his pocket and reaching into his pocket and pulling out my pills. I was hoping he’d forget about them. I’m supposed to take them before each meal. I swear they make me feel bad. It’s like I’m perfectly fine, I take the pill and it makes me have a headache! I sighed and stuck my hand out and Zak popped the pill out of the packaging and into my hand. I quickly put the pill into my mouth and swallowed it straight away to avoid the horrible taste.
“When have you to go back to the doctors?” Zak asked, as he opened the box of garlic bread and offered me a piece.
“Not till next year. The 4th of January or something” I explained, taking a bite of my garlic bread.
“I’m not back at work until the 5th. I’m coming with you” He said. “I need to hear what the doctors are saying”
“I told you.” I said, irritably.
“Yeah. You told me the basics. I need to know how much of a risk there is.” He said, biting into his piece of garlic bread.
“I’m not getting a hysterectomy.” I stated, staring at the floor. I heard him cough slightly.
“Lorna, if it’s –“
“No.” I stopped him. “I’m not getting one. End of discussion. ”
“You could be putting your own life at risk” He said, sitting the pizza boxes down on the floor and looking up at me. “Lorna, you could end up killing yourself by trying to do something we already know isn’t going to happen.”
“Positive thinking there Zak” I said sarcastically. I could feel my eyes welling up. I don’t want to cry again. I couldn’t look at him. Why doesn’t he understand?! “Don’t you want to have a family?” I questioned. He was silent for a few seconds trying to think of a response.
“I did” he sighed, taking my hand “but if we can’t have that then I don’t. I only want babies if they’re scooney babies” He said giving a slightly smile. Scooney babies …
“Why are you just accepting it?” I snapped. “Why won’t you at least try?!”
“Lorna, if I had to choose between babies and you I’d pick you every time! I don’t want a family that much that it’s worth risking you for”
“Zak” I sighed tearfully. I moved closer to him and looked at him straight in the eyes. “What if it worked out, what if it we got pregnant and everything went okay?”
“But-“ he began.
“Shh!” I stopped him sticking my finger onto his lips. “We could have our own baby, a son. Just picture it, close your eyes and picture it!” I paused and wiped my eye. “We could have a little boy, brown hair, grey eyes and he’d love LFC! You could watch all the games with him, buy him strips, play football with him in the garden! Or we could have a daughter and you know she would be a daddy’s girl! You’d be so protective over her!” I sniffed. “It would be perfect” I stopped. “I’m not meaning now! I’m meaning someday. Someday when we have proper jobs and can afford a proper house with that garden and bedrooms for the kid’s!” I stopped. “I can’t just give our chance for that away, I can’t.” I sobbed.
I watched Zak while I spoke. He smiled as he could imagine what I was saying. Although the more I spoke the further his face fell. I was hurting him but he didn’t understand that he was hurting me just as much.
He moved closer to me, lifted his hand and wiped the tears from my cheeks, “We’ll speak to the doctor. I promise.”
Something in Zak’s voice told me that it would be okay. Both of us sat there holding each other in silence when Alicia began to cry hysterically. Zak stood up instantly.
“How long ago did you put her down?” He asked.
“Only about twenty minutes ago” I sighed. We’re in for a long night …
----
“She’s awake again” Zak muttered softly, not wanting to wake me up but of course I already was. I don’t think I’ve slept at all.
“I’ll get her” I said, sitting up. It hurt having to sit up. I was so comfy lying on the couch with Zak. Alicia had been up and down around 5 times since I originally put her to bed. It’s as if she’s having the exact same thoughts as me; where is Gaby? What’s she doing? Is she hurting herself? Is she eating? Is she asleep? Is she alone? I don’t actually think I would be able to sleep even if I was able to even try. All my unanswered questions are spinning around in my head like clothes in a washing machine.
“I’ll get her.” Zak said, standing up now that I was no longer lying on top of him. He wandered through and I could faintly hear him talking calmly to Alicia. I can’t understand why she won’t settle. I stood up on the couch and walked through to help Zak with Alicia.
Today had been one of the longest days ever. About 12 hours ago I was sat revising Chloe’s notes completely unaware this would be how I was spending my night. I still don’t believe what has happened today. I didn’t even know Gaby was back. I didn’t even know she was coming back. She said something on the phone about coming home before New Year’s but I didn’t think she’d actually do it. It was the exact same conversation where Gaby had gone on and one about how she was excited about seeing Rhys again after all of their phone calls. I mean I’ve only been out the hospital a few weeks and it was the night before I got out when Natalie was heart brokenly crying about him in my room?! It makes no sense to me. They’re on and off as frequently as a light switch. I reached Gaby’s bedroom door and clung onto the door frame to steady myself. Zak was sat at the foot of Gaby’s bed with Alicia in his arms, gently shushing her. He was struggling not to fall asleep himself.
“Do you think we should stay in here?” I asked and he jerked suddenly. He obviously hadn’t realised that I’d came through.
“What?”
“I was just thinking, Alicia is used to Gaby being in the same room as her. Maybe that’s why she’s not settling because no one is sleeping through here?”
Zak nodded sleepily. I walked into the room and sat down beside Zak and sat my head onto his shoulder.
“When do you think Gaby will be back?” He asked.
“When she’s ready” I replied. She probably just wants to be alone but her being alone was what scared the rest of us the most.
“Do you think she’s –“ Zak stopped. I didn’t even want to think about it.
“Put Alicia back in her cot” I whispered, noticing that her eyes had slowly closed once again. Zak stood up and gently placed her back in her cot. He stood back up straight and looked at her for a few seconds.
“I really hope she doesn’t do anything stupid” Zak said, walking sitting back down beside me. “For Alicia’s sake as much as her own.”
“I know” I said, standing up and climbing into Gaby’s bed. I’d only slept in here once and then, Gaby was here. This just felt wrong. I climbed in and pulled the covers on top of me. The bed was freezing.
“Move” Zak whispered stubbornly.
“What?” I muttered, sleepily.
“You’re at the wrong side!” He moaned.
“You have issues!”
“Whatever. Just move” He said bluntly. He is such a grump when he’s tired! I did as I was told and rolled over onto the other side of the bed and snuggled in. A few seconds later I felt Zak move in closer and wrap his arm around me and then my eyes slowly began to close.
They popped open again. “I don’t have rattles” I said, aloud.
“All the crap that’s gone on today and you’re freaked out about Rattles!” He sort of laughed.
“I can’t sleep without him being there!” I muttered quietly in a panic. Yes I’m 20. Yes, I have issues.
“You’ve got me! You don’t need him”
“I still do!” I felt Zak laugh behind me and then move forward to give me a kiss on the cheek.
“I love you, you absolute weirdo!” He smiled and I could tell he absolutely truly meant it. I wonder when the last time Rhys said “I love you” to Gaby and really meant it. If he ever even had?
“Oi!” Zak said, poking me in the ribs.
“I love you too Zakky!” I said, closing my eyes to try and sleep.

-------------

“Does Alicia get dressed then have breakfast or have breakfast then get dressed?” Zak asked stood, in the doorway to Gaby’s bedroom. It was 8 and we’d decided that putting Alicia back down again would just be pointless. I honestly don’t think I’ve slept for more than about half an hour all night long between Zak’s ridiculous snoring – it’s never been that bad! – and Alicia waking up at hourly intervals, I couldn’t sleep at all!
“I’m not sure” I answered. “Probably clothes before breakfast! I’ll dress Alicia and you can go and dress yourself” I said, walking over and taking Alicia off of him, and walking through into Alicia’s bedroom. I headed straight for her wardrobe and began looking for something for her to wear today.
“I can’t be bothered getting dressed” Zak said, walking through. “It’s not like we’re going to be doing anything anyway.”
“I suppose! But we need food” I stopped. “We could take Alicia a walk. Oh and Kris said he’d be over”
“What?” Zak said and I realised I hadn’t told him that I’d spoken to Kris. He texted me to see how Alicia was getting on and since I was AWAKE I phoned him back.
“Gaby left last night, went a drive and stayed in a hotel.” I explained. “Archie had a chat with her before she left. I spoke to Kris this morning, he said he’d be over later and he’d watch Alicia tonight so we could sleep”
“When does he think she’ll be back?” Zak asked.
“A few days?” I said. “No one knows. I think she just needs space.”
“Isn’t that the worst thing?” Zak asked, his eyesbrows furrowed in confusion.
“Or maybe the best thing” I said. Zak gave me a look telling me that he didn’t agree but we have to trust her. He sighed and opened the door to Alicia’s wardrobe. I walked over holding her and began to look through.

-----------------
“I dressed you and changed your nappy!” I said to Alicia, “So! Don’t you think Zak should get you your breakfast??” I asked, she looked up at me and gave me a sort of grumpy look. “Don’t be grumpy Alicia!” I said. “I had less sleep than you did!” I looked up and Zak who was spread out along the sofa.
“Don’t you dare!” I snapped, noticing his eyes beginning to close. “I’m tired!” I sighed. He sat up and looked at me in a panic.
“Tired. Not dying, tired!” I said, as I was halfway through my sarcastic comment the door opened and both Zak and turned our heads immediately to the door. Gaby?!
“Hey” She said, smiling as she walked into the flat. Huh?!
“Gaby, What are you doing here?” I asked without thinking. That may have sounded rude but Gaby?! Here?! Now?!
“This is my flat. Right?” She said.
“Obviously! It’s just that Kris said you wouldn’t be back for a few days!” I explained trying to cover up me and Zak’s shocked silence! Gaby walked over and took Alicia who was now smiling out of my arms. Gaby pulled Alicia close to her and smiled. Aw.
“Why would he say that?” Gaby asked confused. Because of Rhys? Because you ran off? Because -
“He said you’d gone somewhere and needed space.” Zak said, as he switched position on the couch so that he could see Gaby better. I noticed him begin to stare at her arm. She didn’t?! I was stood at an awkward angle so I couldn’t see but her wrists looked bruised?! Really badly, like my bruises when Kyle …
“I got all the space I need. Besides, I couldn’t stay away from this one for too long” Gaby said, kissing Alicia on the cheek. Although Gaby had rolled her sleeve down Zak continued to stare at her arm. It was killing me trying to fight the urge to shout at him to stop!
“Are you okay?” I asked. She looked so normal, happy even.
“I’m fine” Gaby smiled. I felt my eyebrow raise, questioning the “I’m fine”. That’s the signature response if you ask anyone if they’re okay.
Zak stood up from the couch. “Do you want anything to eat.”
“No thanks” Gaby replied, smiling.
“Oh, you’ve already eaten?” I asked, walking over to Zak. Hoping that I could speak to him quietly.
“Yeah” Gaby said, smiling at Alicia. “Has she had breakfast yet “
“I was just about to do it” I replied. She should’ve been fed about half an hour ago! Oops! Gaby simply smiled in response.
“Let’s get you some grub misses!” Gaby said, happily walking through into the kitchen. Zak and I both looked at Gaby and then at each other.
“Confused?” Zak whispered to me. I nodded. This just doesn’t make sense. “Did you see her arms?”
“Not really” I admitted, scared of what Zak would say next.
“They’re badly bruised! She couldn’t have done that to herself!” He said. “Who?!” He muttered.
“No cuts?” I asked, praying that his answer would be yes.
“Only one that I could see, it was pretty big” He said sadly.
“You can’t stare!” I said.
“So, how much did Alicia sleep last night?” Gaby said loudly from the kitchen. “You look knackered!” She said, popping her head out the kitchen door way. She directed this at me.
“She was okay” I said. “She woke up quite a few times” I paused, I can’t say because she wasn’t there. She’d feel guilty. “But then she’d just go back down again. But someone” I paused, and gave Zak a look, “Decided that he would snore louder than ever before and I couldn’t sleep” I sighed. “But hey, I’ll survive!”
“Oh” Gaby laughed, popping back into the kitchen. She seemed, cheery even?! What the hell?! “Has she been drinking?” I whispered. Thinking that was the only reason for her unexpected practically upbeat attitude!
“Do you want to go back to my flat for a sleep?” Zak asked. I’m sure! “You look awful!” Always lovely when your boyfriend says that …
“I’m sure!” I said. “I’m never not tired anymore! I’ll cope!”
“Are you sure?” He said. “You should still be resting!”
“I’m fine!”
“I promise I’ll stay with Gaby until Kris comes?” He said, obviously thinking that was why I wouldn’t leave but I want to see Gaby. I don’t understand what’s going on right now. She’s got bruises all over her arms – that I swear couldn’t have been done by herself?! - and also a large cut on her arm so clearly she was struggling last night so why is she now perfectly fine?! I just don’t understand it and I’m not leaving her!
“No. I’ll just stay here” I said, stubbornly.
“I’m just wo-“ Zak began.
“”Worried” I said, finishing Zak’s sentence. “I know and it’s cute but it’s annoying!” I laughed. “If I didn’t feel well I would tell you, I promise!” I said, turning and giving him a quick kiss. I sat up and Gaby was stood there at the kitchen door way just watching us. She noticed I had seen her and she quickly smiled before turning back into the kitchen. I stood up and Zak took my hand and I pulled him up off the couch. Then I dropped his hand as we walked through to the kitchen.
Zak went straight for the fridge – I’d forgotten we hadn’t had breakfast yet – and I just stood there looking at Alicia who was eating her breakfast.
“What have you got for breakfast Alicia?” I asked. She was very smiley this morning despite the face she barely slept. She was probably just happy that her mummy was back!
“Some sort of banana mash thing?” Gaby said, as she continued to feed Alicia.
“No way” I laughed when I saw the little tub sat by the sink. “That stuff is disgusting!” continuing to laugh. Both Gaby and Zak turned giving me a questioning look.
“Aly dared me and Neil to each a tub of baby food when Becky first starting eating it and it turned into a race and I won. Since I ate my tub fastest and then well” I paused. “I was sick.” I laughed. Ahh Fun times!
“Loser” Gaby smiled.
“I’m gonna agree with Gabs on that one” Zak smirked.
“It was funny!” I said, excitedly. Awkward silence …“I guess you had to be there!”
“Right” Gaby smirked.
“There’s no food” Zak said, as he moved round the kitchen looking in every cupboard.
“Go get some??” I smiled. “I’m thinking you should go to asda and get chips, chicken burgers, chicken dippers, anything unhealthy and mountain dew, coke, vimto, haribo, anything, just food!”
“Asda?” Zak sighed “but it’s so far away”
I laughed evily. “Well I can’t go I need to rest” I said smugly and Zak gave me a look. “Get 2 of the chicken dippers and chips and stuff to for our- I mean your flat!” I said.
“Hahaha” Zak said outloud. “You just did it again” he sang mockingly.
“I didn’t mean it!” I said.
Zak just gave me a look. “Whatever”
“Well, people are back in halls now so I’m going to sleep there tonight!” I said confidently.
“Whatever” Zak repeated in the same mocking tone as before.
“Just go and get food!” I sort of laughed, trying to stop a smile from appearing on my face. I looked away from Zak in embarrassment and saw Gaby sat there. A sad sort of smile on her face. We need to stop.
“Go!” I said, and he walked sadly through to Gaby’s room to get dressed. I’ll make it up to him later!
“Why did you do that?” Gaby asked awkwardly, once Gaby’s bedroom door had closed, clearly thinking that I’d done that for her sake, which is true but …
“Because he is driving me mental! “Are you feeling okay?”, “Have you taken your pills yet?”, “The doctors said-“. I love him and I wouldn’t change him but he’s just so damn over protective sometimes!” I laughed and Gaby had a slight smile. “Plus, he’s bringing back food!”
“What shall we do?” Gaby asked, with a smile on her face. Although she had now been back and smiling for the past 45 minutes it still didn’t fail to shock me. It was as though nothing had happened at all. It makes no sense to me.
“You can pick” I smiled.
“No” She said, “You pick!”
“You pick!” I said.
“No.” Gaby stated bluntly, as though she was already fed up with this debate.
“Just pick!” I continued.
“No. “
“Sure your mummy should pick Alicia?” I asked, looking at Alicia. Who had a thoughtful look on her face before she replied.
“Naaaaa” Alicia said. I swear her first word will be no!
“Haha!” Gaby said. She has Alicia trained!
“Just pick!”
“Well then, let’s watch the OC! Once I get Alicia all cleaned up!” Gaby said, more to Alicia than to me as she started taking her bib off. “Because it’s soo much better than One Tree Hill!”
“WHAT?!” I asked, loudly. Alicia looked up at me startled! One day she’ll understand how much I love one tree hill. “When did you start watching that rubbish?!”
“C’mon it’s much better that One Tree Hill!” She smiled. No. No, it’s not.
“Don’t start me!” I said. “You know what I’m like. I’ll go on and on and on and on and on.”
“Have you ever even tried watching the OC?” She questioned, as she wiped Alicia’s mouth that was covered in the yucky banana stuff.
“Good” She said, taking Alicia, now clean, through into the sitting room. She propped Alicia up on the couch and then started looking for the dvds. I turned round and Alicia was looking up at me with a smile on her face. I smiled in return.
This isn’t right. Gaby’s too happy. No, that’s not what I’m meaning. She should be happy that it’s done. Well she should but you wouldn’t expect her to be! You’d expect her to be devastated. Crying. Staying in bed all day but no. She was home, taking care of Alicia and watching a DVD with me as though nothing happened yesterday as though the bruises and large cut going down her arm just magically appeared. I expected her to rant when Zak left, cry, scream, tell me how she felt but she didn’t. We were here just going to watch the stupid OC. As if nothing had changed …

---
Onto the 3rd episode of the OC of the day. It’s alright. It doesn’t compare in the slightest to One Tree Hill but it’s bearable!! Alicia had fallen asleep while we were watching and was lying in between me and Gaby who were sat on the couch. Although Gaby seemed to be happy she had been extremely quiet. Apart from offering me a drink she had barely said a thing. She just sat there, her eyes fixated on the screen except from a few quick glances checking on Alicia. I couldn’t tell if she was even watching the OC or was away in her head.
“Have you spoken to them?” Gaby asked quietly.
“What?” I asked as though I hadn’t heard it when I had heard her perfectly clearly.
“Have you spoken to-“ She paused. “Rhys? Or Natalie” her voice completely changed in tone when she mentioned their names.
“Rhys came over last night” I said, truthfully. I want my lies to stop. Gaby looked at me expectantly eventually removing her gaze from the TV. I didn’t really know what else to say. Scared that I would upset her. “He was looking for you, we argued and he left. Zak was out at the time”
“Oh” was all that Gaby could manage before her attention turned back to the TV and so did mine. I watched as Mischa Barton – cannot remember her character’s name – walked into sort of like a club to see her boyfriend, well I think!, dancing with another girl. Not just dancing, kissing, hands all over each other. They argued and then her friend , Summer, I think, jumps in and starts screaming at the girl he’s been cheating with. That’s what I should’ve been doing for a long time, not just acting as though nothing was going on. I watched as Gaby’s eyes didn’t deviate from the screen again. She chose to watch this?! Lies always come out in the end. I should be honest. Honesty is the best policy. I should tell her that I knew. She’ll find out one day. It might be easier for her to hear it now rather than later.
No. She’s coping. I don’t want to send her over the edge. I can’t tell her. She wouldn’t get it, that I was just trying to protect her from this. From something she seems to be coping dramatically well with?! I shouldn’t tell her. Should I?!

Gaby's POV

I wasn’t watching The OC anymore. Even though Seth was being exceptionally funny, it wasn’t making me smile like it should. The thought of Rhys coming here last night, trying to apologise and make things better.. Ugh, it made me feel a little bit sick. I heard Lorna giggle – which is surprising seeing as she hates the OC – and thought I should laugh too, so I smiled and acted amused. I looked at Alicia, who was fast asleep in between us, probably exhausted. She isn’t very good at sleeping without me. My Mum said that the one week she had her she only slept about 2 hours at night total. I shouldn’t have left her with Zak and Lorna, now they’re all shattered.
“Gabs, can I ask you something?” Lorna spoke and I looked at her slowly before nodding. She bit her lip for a second, clearly debating whether or not to ask. “How did you hurt your arm?” She finally asked, sighing after asking. I looked away, back at the tv.
“Isn’t it obvious?” I asked her, not looking for her reaction. Surely it is obvious? I mean, how many times have I hurt myself this last year? What difference are these cuts to the last?
“Not really?” Lorna sounded confused. Jeez, you’d think this was the first conversation we ever had.
“You’ve never asked how I, you know…” I didn’t want to say it out loud, “..Before.”
“This time’s different though.”
I turned to look at her. How is this time really any different to any other time?
“I mean, you’ve never hurt yourself like that.”
“What?” I was confused now. She wasn’t speaking any sense. I’d done way worse before!
“I just don’t understand how you could make bruises like that.” She explained, and finally something clicked in my head. She wasn’t talking about my cuts, she was talking about my damn bruises. I took a deep breath and held it for a moment, before letting it all go with one sharp gust.
“I didn’t do that.” My voice had gone very quiet. I turned my head away from her.
“You didn’t?”
“No.”
She was quiet for a long time. Alicia started making a sweet little sucking noise in her sleep, like she was dreaming of drinking milk. I was lost in her cuteness for a while, all sense of mine and Lorna’s conversation drifting out of me.
“Then who?” Lorna asked, breaking my ease and dragging me back to reality. I lifted my hand to my face and let out a small groan, preparing to answer with the truth, but then the door opened. I turned around to see who it was. Lorna copied me.
“Hey,” Kris said just glancing up and seeing people. He clearly didn’t register I was in the room. He took off his coat and put it on the table, then his eyes focussed on me.
“Oh, hey?” His eyes widened in shock. Clearly nobody expected me to be returning for a good few weeks. Do I really have a habit of running away? I didn’t think so…
I smiled at him and then he looked even more surprised before saying “What are you doing here?”
“Why does everyone keep asking that?” I sighed and turned to focus on the tv again. “This is my flat.”
I could sense Lorna and Kris having a silent conversation behind me, so I purposely turned to interrupt it, my eyes zeroing in on Kris’ expression. He seemed to be giving Lorna a warning look. Am I dangerous now? Maybe I got it wrong. Maybe it isn’t a warning look, but more a frustrated look. Frustrated she hadn’t called him straight away, or something stupid like that. But Kris is not the number one guy anymore. Yeah, I’m stuck with him in my life – but all of this has made me realise how much I don’t want to be with him. I want to be with Rhys…
“I thought you wouldn’t be back for a while.” Kris explained, walking around the sofa me and Lorna were on to sit on the other.
“Right, well I am. So we can all get over it now.” I smiled sarcastically and turned back to the tv.
“Well I’m going to head back to Halls and shower or something.” Lorna stood up very slowly. I watched her carefully. I hadn’t forgotten what Zak had said yesterday about her acting okay when she clearly wasn’t. Now that I was concentrating, I saw how hard her hand clutched the sofa so she didn’t fall over. And saw how shaky her first couple of steps were. Suddenly panicking for her seemed like the only reasonable thing to do.
“Do you want me to walk you there?” I asked, also standing up with her. The more I looked the more I felt she needed help. She looked at me for a moment, seeming confused at first. But then she registered my worried eyes and glared at me.
“For god’s sake, Gaby, do not do-a-Zak on me now.” Her eyes rolled and she walked towards the door. I went with her, deciding I’d back off. I know how annoying it is to have someone constantly checking up on you.
“Sorry, I just haven’t spoken to you about any of this stuff in a while.” I explained. “I'll see you later.” I said, opening the door for her. She paused for a moment, looking back into the room at Kris then at me again.
“Later.” She nodded. I could tell she was telling me I hadn’t escaped the conversation we were having. I’d have to explain everything to her at some point in the near future. I closed the door behind her and headed back into the flat, thinking I should start preparing some lunch for Alicia.

“Are you okay?” Kris asked as I walked into the kitchen. I didn’t want all his questions. If I’m honest I didn’t even want him here. He was the one person I couldn’t relate to. He’s the only other person in this stupid village that’s hurt me this bad, so how would it be possible for me to share the pain with him? It’s not that I couldn’t, it’s that I don’t want to. It would be like breaking all the rules that seem to have set in my head.
“Fine, yeah.” I replied. It was easier to talk if we weren’t in the same room.
“You don’t have to lie.” His voice was closer and I didn’t have to turn around to know he was now stood in the doorway. I just fumbled about in the cupboards, pretending I was interested in what the food labels said on each of Alicia’s jars.
“I’m not lying. I’m seriously fine.” I said, deciding on the Spaghetti Meatballs jar and now searching for a bowl to put it in. I glanced at Kris and smiled to show him I was being quite sincere. Again he seemed surprised, just as Lorna and Zak had been.
“That makes no sense.” He said, shaking his head. I shrugged.
“I know.”
“So you’re not going back to Blackpool or anything?”
“No!” I said, almost shuddering at the thought. As much as I want to be away from this place, I’d rather be here than there.
“Do you want me to have Alicia tonight?”
“No, Kris. I’m fine.” I rolled my eyes and put Alicia’s lunch in the microwave to warm up.
“And you’re absolutely sure you’re fine?” He asked, clearly wanting to actually look at me when I reply. I sighed, annoyed by these questions.
“Yes. Now do you mind? I have a child to feed.” I pulled open the microwave door as it beeped and then moved past Kris so I could go and wake Alicia up for her lunch.

-

“Okay, enough with the act. Will you just talk to me now?” Lorna was back at mine. It was nearly 6 o clock and I’d just finished giving Alicia some tea and was getting her ready for bed.
“I thought I was talking to you?” I said, rolling my eyes. We’d been having a pretty normal conversation for the past half an hour. Her asking about Alicia, me asking about her and Zak. Now this is all an act?
“No you’re not. You’re just doing what you think will convince me that you’re fine, when you’re obviously not!”
I raised my eyebrows. Seriously, I wouldn’t be able to pull that off even if I tried.
“Lorna I am not trying to convince you I’m fine because I actually am fine!” I told her, sighing now. If she really thought this was all some charade then I don’t think I actually want to hang out with her.
“Will you just talk to me? About everything? About what the hell happened to your arms and how you’re feeling and whether you’re planning on staying or not?” She was looking at me like I was crazy for not suggesting we did this straight away. I glared at her. My mood was very, very rapidly declining.
“You want me to talk about it? Do you want me to hurt? I’m trying to forget. I’m trying to realise that this is not the end of the world. I am, for once, trying to move the spotlight out of MY area and on to somebody else. Why do you want it on me so bad?!” I was starting to shout now. Alicia was watching me from her highchair. I wanted to calm myself down for her sake, but Lorna was already doing my head in.
“It’s already on you! Even with you trying to act normal, everybody is going to be watching you for weeks now. And it isn’t because we hate you and want to cause you this almighty pain, it’s because we love you so much and we don’t want to see you hurting!”
“I’m not hurting yet Lorna. I’m not hurting at all.” I told her. It wasn’t the complete truth, but it wasn’t all a lie either. I’d been thinking a lot today about what Rhys had done, and I decided that it wasn’t much different to what I had done with Kris. Of course I would never forgive Natalie, but if Rhys had managed to forgive me then why can’t I forgive him? An eye for an eye after all.
“Well someone’s hurting you. What happened to your arms?” She asked, quite calmly seeing as I was yelling at her. I shook my head and glared at her.
“Nothing that’s worth worrying about.”
“Of course not.” She rolled her eyes at me. “Except they look like someone’s grabbed you extremely hard, maybe tried to break your wrists. Were you attacked? Or raped?”
I didn’t answer her. Instead I started cleaning Alicia up so I could take her to bed. I don’t want this conversation now. I don’t want Lorna here.
“Did you ask someone to grab you that hard? Is this your new way to get your pain-fix. Pay someone to hurt you?” She was being unreasonable now. I literally gasped out loud.
I struggled to get my words out for a few seconds. “How could you say something like that?” I was so furious that my throat was starting to feel dry and swollen like I was about to cry.
“Because I’m trying to find out the truth! Gaby, please just talk to me. I need to know. You are my best friend. I don’t want you to get hurt again, so just talk to me – please!” Lorna was crying now. Normally I’d be feeling so guilty for reducing her to tears that I’d have caved by now, but I’m so furious and stressed right now that I couldn’t care less.
“If you care so much you’ll just leave me alone. You’ll let me deal with this.”
“But I’ve left you to deal with it before and you’ve just gone insane, literally. You promised us you’d get help and to this day you still haven’t. If you just let me in, Gabs. I can help, please.”
“Let you in how? Lorna, nothing bad has happened to me.”
She looked at me like I was crazy, but I carried on.
“So my boyfriend slept with another girl? I get it, I should be in a huge amount of pain and I was yesterday, but I did it too! How can I be such a hypocrite?” I asked her, and she went quiet. Tears were still streaming out of her eyes, and she seemed to be debating something in her head.
“Gaby, you need to talk to Rhys.” She finally said, and I looked at her.
“Yeah I do.” I agreed, but she shook her head.
“No, you need to talk to him and find out the truth – from him. Because he has been the worst guy in the world for you.” She told me and I felt myself getting all worked up again.
“For crying out loud, Lorna! You did it too, remember? And Zak forgave you! So why can’t I forgive him. We’ve both done something bad.”
“But he’s been worse.”
“Has he?” I asked her, knowing she didn’t know the answer. She was just going off her own thoughts. She’d had a grudge against Rhys for a while now, I still don’t really know why.
“Yes!” She gasped through her tears. I watched her as she struggled for breath. Her hand slowly caught the tears leaving her eyes as she tried to calm herself.
“What do you mean?” I asked quietly, picking Alicia up out of her high chair and just putting her on the floor for now.
Lorna started shaking her head, a new batch of tears pouring out of her eyes.
“It has to come from him.” She said it like it physically hurt her. I started shaking my head. She didn’t know anything. She just wanted my attention for a second. I glared at her.
“You are sick, Lorna. You’re sick!” I walked towards the front door and opened it. She just stared at me, clearly confused.
“What are you talking about?”
“You know nothing, okay? Nothing!” I shouted, feeling the tears stinging my eyes. “Now get out of my house.”
“Gaby-”
“Get. Out.”
She looked at me for a long moment before picking up her coat and walking out the front door. I slammed it shut behind her making Alicia scream in surprise. As soon as the door was closed helpless tears poured out of my eyes. Helpless. That’s how I feel. Totally and completely helpless.
Alicia’s cries were getting deafening now. I walked towards her, my temper still not gone. I threw a teddy towards her, hoping that would calm her down. There’s no way I can hold her. I don’t trust myself to keep her safe right now.
She was getting louder. It was taking her longer to draw a breath after every cry. Something that usually would worry me, but right now I just found annoying.
“Will you shut up?!” I shouted, not able to control myself. Of course, she didn’t understand me. My own tears were continually pouring down my face and Alicia was stressing me out further. I took a step back from her. Worried at my own thoughts of how to make her stop.
“SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP.” I shrieked at her now, but rather than stick around to see if she listened I ran into my room and slammed the door, choking on my tears as I listened to my daughter scream for me.

-

It took me less than five minutes to realise how frighteningly horrific I’d been to my own daughter. It took me less than eight minutes to phone Kris and tell him there was no way I could watch her by myself tonight. I sat on the floor and held her in my lap as we both cried, just waiting for Kris to arrive. I’d calmed down considerably in such a short amount of time. It was like a wave of tranquillity just hit me. I didn’t understand why I’d got so worked up. Lorna was only being a good friend. Why had I got so angry with her?
“It’s alright baby girl, I’m so sorry.” I kissed Alicia’s head as she battled with herself to take a breath. It hurt every inch of me when I realised I had made her this upset. I had shouted at my 5 month old daughter…
There was a brief knock on the door before it opened. It had barely been 5 minutes since I rang and asked him to come, yet he was here already. I guess he must have ran. Kris stopped at the door once it was closed and focussed on us; sat on the floor, both in tears. Then he walked over and crouched next to us, picking Alicia up into his right arm and hugging me with his left.

-

“Yeah, she’s fine. Just… upset with herself.” Kris was in the kitchen talking to Lorna on the phone. I was sat at my dining table in the front room, leaning over a cup of tea. Alicia had been asleep for about half an hour and Kris still hadn’t said a word to me. I hadn’t said a word to him either. Once I’d stopped crying I pulled away from him and sat here. He sorted Alicia out, took her to bed with a bottle, fumbled around in the kitchen for a bit and then brought me this cup of tea.
“Alright, thanks. Yeah I'll see you tomorrow.” Kris put the phone down. I leaned back in my chair, keeping my hands around my cup of tea.
He walked into the sitting room, starting to clear up the toys I’d put out for Alicia. I watched him for a while until he got to the teddy I’d thrown at her, then I closed my eyes and turned my head towards the cup of tea again.
“I don’t understand why I did it.” I said quietly, my eyes still closed. I heard Kris stop moving, perhaps surprised that I was suddenly speaking, then he started walking towards me. When I opened my eyes he was sat on the chair opposite me.
“What happened?” He asked, folding his hands on the table. I kept my eyes on them, not wanting to look at him whilst I spoke.
“I felt myself slipping out of control.” I admitted, my eyes closing as the shame washed through me. There was a very long silence. I wasn’t sure if Kris wanted me to continue or not.
“Did you hurt Alicia?” He wasn’t asking in a judgemental way. He seemed almost scared for me. I shook my head as a tears gently fell from my eyes.
“No, that’s why I called you. So I wouldn’t.” I sniffed and wiped my eyes with the back of my fingers. When I put my hand back on the table Kris took hold of it.
“You did the right thing.” He said softly.
“I got so mad at her, Kris. She was so scared and all I did was shout at her.” I was on the verge of falling apart all over again. Kris stood up and walked around the table so he could hold me.
“I’m here now, okay? I won’t let anything happen to you or Alicia.” He kissed the top of my head and I slumped against him, letting the tears drip slowly from my eyes.

“Kris, Lorna keeps asking how I hurt my arms.” I said after a few minutes of silence. His gentle rubbing on my shoulder stopped.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered.
“I know.” I said quietly.
“Why haven’t you told her?” He asked, starting to rub my shoulder again.
“Because she wouldn’t understand.”
“No.” He agreed with me. “But you should still tell her.”
“Why?”
“She’s your best friend, she should know. She’ll be angry with me for a while, but I deserve it.”
“You don’t though.” I said, looking up at him. He just looked at me, almost guiltily.
“I shouldn’t have hurt you.” He said, shaking his head. I sat up properly, making his hand fall back to his side.
“Kris, we both know that if the roles had been reversed I would have done the same - if it were possible.”
He smirked at my add-on.
“Really?” He asked. I stood up and stretched.
“Definitely.”
He smiled at me. I stuck my arms out for a hug and he opened his for me. I forgot how nice Kris’ hugs were. He was strong enough to make me feel stable, but soft enough to make me feel like I can pull away whenever I want.
“What’s up?” Kris asked. I hadn’t realised my sigh was that noticeable. Maybe it wasn’t, maybe Kris was just using his crazy sixth sense thing.
“Do you ever wish you’d never left?” I asked, deciding I might as well share what I’m thinking for once.
“Every day.” He whispered in reply. I could tell he meant it.
“You were only gone a couple of months, but it changed everything. If you’d just stayed…” I let it hang. If he’d stayed what would have happened? I’d have never fallen in love with Rhys. He’d have never cheated on me and I’d probably be happy right now. Me and Kris might still be together after all this time - a family with Alicia. And I might not have got so… messed up.
“I know.” He seemed as sad by the thought as I felt. I looked up at him.
“But then again, if you had stayed we might be mortal enemies by now. So that worked out well.” I said smiling. I was just trying to lighten the mood. He grinned back at me.
“That’s probably true.”
“Probably?” I raised my eyebrows. He laughed and started nodding.
“Yeah, okay. We’d be mortal enemies.”
I could tell he didn’t really believe it, he was just playing along with me. I smiled again, starting to pull away from him.
“Thanks for being here now, Kris.” I put my hands on his shoulders and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
“It’s the only place I want to be.” He replied, swiftly kissing my head. I froze on the spot, eyes closed and annoyed with my fast-changing, god-damn emotions! “What?” Kris’ voice sounded amused. I guess I must look funny.
I let out a gust of air.
“You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now. It’s ridiculous.” I shook my head as if trying to erase the thought. Kris snorted, like he was shocked I’d shared that much with him. But really, why shouldn’t I? Of course I don’t want a relationship or love or heartache, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want him. Just for now. Just to make me feel wanted for one night.
I took a big step back from him, shocked by my own thoughts. He watched me, an amused look on his face.
“You’re really fighting with yourself, aren’t you?” He asked with a huge grin.
“Yes, because I know you wouldn’t stop me.” I said, narrowing my eyes. He just shrugged.
“True.”
I bit my lip, smiling slightly. Then the last thing I wanted to think about suddenly flashed to the front of my mind.
Rhys.
Rhys and Natalie. Kissing. Making love. Cheating. Together. Breaking. My. Heart.
My eyes suddenly started stinging. Tears were threatening to escape. I looked back up at Kris - his amused face looking more worried now - and took a step closer, holding my hand out for him. He grabbed it and pulled me into a hug again, kissing the top of my head. I lifted my head and kissed his neck, slowly moving one hand up his body until I found the back of his hair. I felt him tense. He put restraining hands onto each of my shoulders.
“No, Gaby, stop. You’re upset.”
“And?” I looked at him as a single tear left one eye. “I need this Kris.”
He shook his head. “I don’t want to be used.”
I just stared at him, not denying that that was exactly what I was doing.
“Just this one time. Please, Kris.” I held his hand, which was still resting on my shoulder, and turned my head to kiss it. “I know you want to.”
He didn’t reply. Instead he dipped his head so our foreheads touched. I took that as a yes and kissed him. It was only brief, to see how he’d react. When he didn’t pull back, I did it again, using one hand to grab him by the front of his shirt and pull him closer. Then we were both on fire, gripping each other like the world was ending. My hand was slowly descending down his body when I froze.
“Wait.” I pulled back, despite his groan of disapproval. “Alicia’s here – sleeping!” I hissed, one hand still wrapped around his neck. My heart was racing. I was breathing like I’d just ran a marathon. I couldn’t help but smile when I noticed Kris was exactly the same.
“You’re only just realising this?” Kris teased me, before kissing me again. I was lost in his touch for a moment, before realising my reason for stopping in the first place.
“No, I mean we’ll wake her up.” I said, my voice going unusually high pitched. Kris laughed into my neck.
“So you’re not worried about how disturbing it would be?” He asked, before kissing the base of my throat.
I honestly hadn’t even thought about that part.
“What, so Mummy and Daddy aren’t allowed to have mad hot sex every now and then?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. Kris just laughed and started pulling my top up and off. “You really can’t stop can you?”
“Not now I’ve started.” Kris joked, pushing me down onto the table. I jumped, a little bit, at the cold temperature of the wood on my back but this just seemed to spur Kris on.
“Mm, okay.” I giggled. Giggled! Kris cut my laugh short by forcing his mouth on mine again, gently biting down on my lower lip. I let out a slightly sexual moan which stopped Kris in his tracks. He burst out laughing.
“I bit your lip?!” He commented, still chuckling.
“Sorry if that turns me on.” I pulled his face back to mine so I could kiss him again, but he was still laughing so I bit down hard on his lip.
“Ow!” He barely had time to react before I pulled him back down on me again and kissed him passionately. He still seemed to be laughing but now it just seemed to make everything feel… better. His hands moved from holding my hips to starting to undo my belt buckle. I carefully started to undo the buttons on his shirt – he was wearing a real shirt!
“You’re so slow.” Kris mumbled as I passed the halfway mark. He had already fully removed my trousers and was working on my bra.
“You’re so annoying!” I sighed, dropping my hands to my side. Kris picked up the pace by just lifting the shirt off and then going back to me. He was kissing my neck now and removing my bra before slipping his hand down my waist and taking off my underwear. His lips reached mine again and I kissed him for a whole 5 seconds before it all began.

-

“Well, I’ve been comfier.” Kris noted, smiling at me. We were lying on the table, both naked except for the single shirt that slightly covered us.
“I am going to have to scrub this table tomorrow.” I said in disgust. Kris just laughed at me. “What time is it?”
“Like, 8.”
“Is that all?!” I was shocked, but then I realised that made sense. I snorted. “I guess I could scrub it now then.”
“No, not yet.” Kris held me that little bit tighter. I sighed against his chest before kissing it softly. He responded by kissing my head.
“You know that you’re staying the night here, right?” I informed him, hugging myself closer to him.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. So I’m allowed to scrub the table if I want to.”
“I guess you are.” He laughed. I looked up at him and kissed him quickly, before taking his shirt that draped across us and sliding it on. It was long enough to almost completely cover my bum, but I still searched for underwear before standing up. It wouldn’t be fun if a visitor popped round now, if you know what I mean.
“So I guess I’m going shirtless?” Kris laughed, already in his underwear too. I just smiled back at him and went into the kitchen to find cleaning supplies. Once I’d left the room, the smile dropped from my face and the hollow feeling re-emerged. As happy as Kris can make me feel, I still don’t feel whole. Just standing in the empty kitchen literally made me want to double over in tears. I put both my hands on the counter and tried to keep myself together.
“Are you okay?” Kris’ voice came from the doorway. I froze for a split second before turning to him and smiling.
“Of course.” I said, and he smiled back at me before walking over and putting his arms around me. I was stunned. The one person in the world who has always, without a doubt, known I was lying had been fooled.
I must be getting better.
I pulled away from him then and bent down so I could look in the cupboard for a cloth to clean the table.
“Hey, are you hungry? I could go get some food.” Kris suggested as I pulled out Cillit Bang.
“Not really, I ate just before you came.” I lied, but if he noticed he didn’t say anything. “But you can help yourself to anything I have here – which is nothing.”
“So what did you eat?” He asked as I stood up. I stared at him, trying not to panic about being caught out.
“I ordered in.” I smiled, trying to make it seem natural. He just nodded at me. I moved past him and left the room, heading towards the table. I cleared the random articles of clothing off it and onto the floor, then sprayed it 3 times before scrubbing in wide circular motions.
“That looks so sexy.” Kris commented, standing in front of the sofa with the tv control in his hand. I rolled my eyes.
“We already did that, remember?”
“I know.”
“I mean, we could do it again…” I bit my lip and let it linger as I continued to clean.
“What, so now we’re friends with benefits?” Kris asked, looking thoroughly amused by that thought.
“Yeah, the benefit being a child.” I said, sticking my tongue out. He laughed and turned the tv on. I finished cleaning the table and put the stuff back in the kitchen, dimmed the lights and walked over to where Kris was sat on the sofa. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to sit between his legs, his arms wrapped around me as he searched for something decent to watch. I leaned back against his shoulder and stroked his arm. This just feels so… Comforting. Like I really need this reassurance now more than anything.
“What do you want to watch?” Kris asked after going through every channel twice.
“Live at the Apollo.” I answered with a yawn. He found the right channel, put the remote down and settled back with me, holding me that tiny bit tighter.
“You’re going to pretend this didn’t happen tomorrow, aren’t you?” Kris said quietly, his thumb brushing against my hand.
“That depends.”
“On?”
“Whether I’m horny or not.” I said, smiling at my own joke. Kris laughed and then kissed my cheek. I sighed. “Does this mean that much to you?” I asked, my tone serious.
“You know how I feel, Gabs.” He replied, now kissing my temple. I closed my eyes, hit with a new wave of emotion. Guilt, and lots of it.
“Kris, I’m using you.” I told him, not wanting to make him think otherwise. He sighed loudly, but continued to kiss me.
“I know.”
“I’m sorry.” I tilted my head back so I could see him. He just gave me a reassuring smile.
“You don’t have to be.” He said, kissing my nose – which I, consequently, wrinkled.
“You make everything so much harder.” I said, playfully scowling at him. He kissed me on the lips and I responded thoroughly, only making myself feel more guilty. Myself. That’s all I think about these days. Me. I am so self-absorbed. I couldn’t even tell you what was going on in Kris’ life right now, except everything to do with myself and Alicia. Is he seeing anyone? I’m going to guess No, but I could be completely wrong. I couldn’t even tell you how Lorna’s been feeling recently, or how her relationship is at the moment with Zak. Are they still happy after everything? Is she recovering well? I don’t know, because all I’ve cared about recently is who I’m stuck with for the month or how I look in the morning… I’m the worst friend in the world. I’m… Back on myself again.
Three quiet but noticeable knocks sounded on the front door. It was only then, once I’d pulled away from Kris’ kiss, that I noticed I’d started crying again. I stood myself up and wiped my eyes, heading for the door.
“Do you want me to get it?” Kris asked as I undid the chain. I thought it was because I’d been crying so shook my head. I forgot about the way I was dressed.
I pulled open the door, honestly curious about who might be knocking. Then I wished I hadn’t.

Rhys stood before me, his hair slightly wet from the rain that must be pouring outside. He was wearing a stylish shirt I’d bought him a few months back and dark coloured jeans. He actually looked good, which just made me hurt that little bit more. I closed my eyes, the pain releasing a new set of tears. I took a deep breath before I opened them again, but this time Rhys was the one looking at me hurt. He was the one who looked like he could easily cry.
“What are you doing here, Rhys?” I asked, moving so the door was more in between us and I could shut it easily if necessary. When he replied, his voice was angry.
“It doesn’t even matter. Clearly it only takes you 24 hours to move on.” He was already down the first few steps.
“Rhys w-” I stopped, realising there was no need to defend myself. I let more tears slip from my eyes and went to shut the door. It sprung back on me immediately as Rhys forced his way in. I was too shocked to react. He was at the bottom of the stairs two seconds ago when I turned around, how was he in here so fast?!
But then he was laughing.
“Wow!” He started clapping sarcastically in my face. “Can’t find someone new to shag, eh?”
“Don’t even start-” I felt my jaw clench as anger swirled through my body.
“What? Can’t handle the truth? That no one new will even think about you? ‘Cause you’ve got a kid.” He was in my face now, “And a fucking disgusting body.” He pushed me back a little bit. I just stood there, feeling more and more upset as the seconds went by. The person who I thought had loved me for the last year just told me the only thing I really didn’t need to hear right now. I didn’t even have the anger to talk back. Everything had been replaced by the new kind of hurt that flooded my veins.
“Rhys, you need to back off now.” Kris said it calmly but with power. Why does he have power? Why do I have to be so helpless?
“Or what?” Rhys rounded on Kris now. “Don’t you get it, mate? She’s using you. She doesn’t love you. She just wants to hurt me.”
“Rhys!” I shrieked his name, shocked he could even be saying such a thing. That’s when I smelt the stale alcohol on his breath. “For Christ’s sake! You’ve been drinking.” I acknowledged, closing my eyes.
“So what? You can’t tell me what to do anymore.” He said angrily. I shook my head.
“I'll talk to you tomorrow.”
“No, I want to-”
“Tomorrow Rhys! Alicia’s sleeping, okay?” I hissed at him, worried he’d shout and wake her up. He seemed to get the message. His face was suddenly softer.
“Can I see her? I miss her.” He said it like he meant it. I could see the pain flash across his face. But it wasn’t me that answered.
“Not a chance.” Kris said, moving so he was stood in between Rhys and the doorway to my bedroom.
“Fuck’s sake, Gaby I know her more than he does! You know that.” His voice was getting louder again.
“Rhys, just go. Please.” I begged him now, pushing lightly against his chest. He finally allowed it and walked out of my flat, slamming the door behind him. I scrunched my hands in my hair as tears started flowing from my eyes again. Kris had taken one step towards me when Alicia started crying. I looked at him for a moment, before dropping my hands from my hair and walking through to my room.
I sat on my bed, my hand in Alicia’s cot gently stroking her and reassuring her back to sleep. Kris sat himself behind me, his hand rubbing my shoulder as I continued to cry. It was like he was doing for me what I was doing for Alicia. Finally, I saw through the darkness, Alicia’s eyes closed. I pulled my hand out of her cot and turned into Kris’ chest. His hands wrapped themselves around me again and I cried. Of course I cried. After a few minutes of silent tears, he pulled me back properly onto the bed, pulled the covers over me and held me again until I slowly fell asleep.

Lorna's POV


The door slammed behind me as I walked into Zak’s flat. I just had to unlock the door so he isn’t in. Great. The one person that can always without fail cheer me up has left me hanging. The tears still hadn’t stopped. I’ve gotten myself into such a state. I wiped my eyes and noticed the black mascara all over my hands. Again, great! That means I’ve just walked here from Gaby’s flat with big black panda eyes. Great! God, I’m starting to sound like the frosties tiger, well I’m being sarcastic. Of course. Nothing right now is grrrrrrrrreat! I blame Rhys! I walked into the kitchen and got myself a glass of Vimto, marched back through and thumped down onto the couch. I need to talk to Zak. I don’t even know where the hell he is?! Argh. I could scream! I picked up the remote and funnily enough, guess what’s on? OTH. Of course, the programme where everyone’s life is always perfect! They get the guy, the get the babies, the jobs, the big houses, the friends, everything’s perfect and soo unrealistic. The door opened and in walked Zak.
“Put the Vimto down, switch the oth off and tell me what’s up!” He said instantly knowing I was upset. He picked up the remote and switched OTH off. He sat down next to me on the couch. “Did you tell her?” He asked.
I breathed out as I shook my head. Of Course I didn’t.
“I almost did.” I sniffed. “Then I decided she needed to hear it from him. There’s no way she would believe me. Zak I told her she didn’t know the truth. Then I said she needed to hear it from him and she told me I was sick. Screamed at me to get out. That I knew nothing. I know everything. She knows nothing and it’s my fault! I just-“ I said, scrunching my hands up in my hair. Zak wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close.
“Breathe.” He said, gently. “You need to calm down!”
“I can’t!” I said. “I really can’t. I should’ve just told her. Just did it! Like I should’ve done months ago” I couldn’t breathe. It’s my fault. She’s shutting herself away and it’s my fault.
“You’re not fit enough to be in a state like this” He said.
“I’m not fit enough?! Gaby’s not fit enough for what she’s going through either!” I said. “Rhys is a bastard! Last year” I sniffed. “I thought he was amazing because he loved Gaby so much even with her issues and even when she was pregnant with someone else’s kid! That lasted so long didn’t it-“
“I’ve always hated him” Zak said. “He’s such a dick.”
“No” I said, wiping my eyes again. “You fell for all his crap as well! Yeah to begin with you didn’t like him but admit it! You fell for it just like everyone else!” I continued. “I hate him.”
I stood up pushing myself free from Zak’s arms.
“What are you doing?” Zak asked.
“I’m going to tell her” I said, I turned around to face him. I wiped my arms and focussed on stopping the tears from streaming down my cheeks. I had to be confident. Not chicken out, not again.
“No.” Zak stated.
“Yes” I nodded.
“Why are you so desperate to tell her now?” Zak asked calmly, taking my hand. “You’ve known for months” I pulled my hand out of his. I knew that he still hadn’t forgiven me for that. I couldn’t tell him. He’d have told Gaby, been a decent friend.
“Because now she knows” I said. “Well, she knows part of it. She doesn’t know the whole truth.”
“Does she need to know the whole truth?” Zak asked, awkwardly. My jaw dropped slightly. “She knows enough. Enough to hate Rhys.”
“Oh” I laughed harshly. “Yeah, of course. Except I’ve just been over there and all she talked about was forgiving him! She cheated with Kris and he forgave her so she should forgive him too.”
Zak stared at me wide eyed. “She said that?”
I nodded in response. I don’t believe her at all. I watched Zak as he sat there on the couch lost in his own thoughts. I moved and sat myself down on the couch beside him. My head felt awful yet again.
“Gaby and Kris made a mistake. Once.”
“Twice” I corrected. “And I wouldn’t call it a mistake.” I muttered. “He’s good for her, so much better than Rhys.”
“Yeah” Zak said. “Because disappearing to Australia did Gabs a whole lot of good”
“You know what I mean” I said.
“I don’t.” Zak said harshly. “Tell me why Kris is so perfect?!” It was then when I realised I’d struck a raw nerve.
“He just looks after her that’s all” I muttered, trying – and failing – to think of a suitable subject change.
“And I don’t look after you?” Zak asked.
“What?” I snapped.
“You’re going on how brilliant Kris is!” He started. “You know, the guy you chea-“
“Don’t!” I stopped him. “You know fine well that was a –“ I paused trying to think of the correct word to use.
“That was what?” Zak challenged.
“Something that shouldn’t have happened, something that will never happen again, something that should be forgotten!” I sighed tearfully. “I love you” I said. “I wish you would believe me.” I gulped back tears. I stood up quickly, to make a dramatic exit. We’d spoken about this earlier. I’m going to stay at halls with Archie tonight anyway.
“I don’t feel well” I announced, falling back down onto the sofa. I suddenly felt really hot. Cold sweat appeared instantly on my forehead. “What is it?” Zak said, slightly panicked, standing up. “Lie down” He said, helping me to lie down on the couch. “Do you want some water?” Zak asked, but he disappeared. In no time at all he appeared back at my side with a glass of water in his hand. My eyes closed slowly.
“Lorna” I heard Zak said, putting his hand to my cheek. It felt like ice. My eyes opened again. He moved the water closer to me and helped me take a sip. I looked at him. His eyes fearful. He rubbed my cheek and I forced a slight smile trying to show I was okay.
“You do look after me” I said slowly, trying to sit up again. The feeling that I was about to faint had passed. Zak took my arm and held me down.
“That’s because I love you silly” He said. “And I do know that you love me too. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too” I muttered. “But Zak I promise you, I will never hurt you ever again. I promise. I’m yours till the day I die, or of course you can’t put up with me anymore”
“Never going to happen” He said, sitting up slightly and kissing my forehead. He sat there silently just watched me for a few minutes. Probably expecting me to explode or something, “I think you should go for a sleep.” He said, not making it sound like I had a choice in the matter.
“But halls!” I said. “Archie!” I muttered.
“Sleep” Zak stated, disappearing from my view and slowly I eventually did.

“I think I’ve proved I’m well enough to finish the walk by myself” I said, around half an ago I’d woken up from my little sleep and been very determined that I was sleeping at halls and Zak had eventually given in providing that he could walk me there. I moved round until I was stood in front of Zak. He stood there for a few seconds just watching me, deliberating whether I was capable of walking from mobs to halls by myself.
“I suppose” Zak said. “Just need to test one thing” He said. My eyes brows furrowed in confusion and then he kissed me. We broke apart and I smiled at him. “Did I pass?”
He nodded. “Yeah. There was no way you’d have been able to kiss me like that earlier” He smirked. I couldn’t help but smile at how cute he was. The tip of his nose had gone bright red because it was so cold outside. I’d been calling him Rudolph the majority of the walk over. I hope I can make it stick.
“Are you sure you don’t want to just sleep at halls?” I asked. Zak laughed slightly.
“I need to sleep at halls!” He said, impersonating me. He’d even put on a very crappy Scottish accent which as unbelievable as it was still made me giggle. “I’m a student, students live in halls!” He said. I sounded so stupid earlier and I was only just realising. “If you come and sleep there too Archie will just make a fool of us and how we’re inseperable” he paused. “and how we’re like a two headed monster” The more he spoke the worse his impersonation of me and my accent got. I couldn’t help but smile. “I’m sure I’ll cope with the walk home” He said, normally. “And I’m sure you want to prove to Archie that you still live in halls”
“I do!” I said. "Still live in halls I mean"
“Yeah” Zak said, pretending to agree. I prefer staying at Zak’s I’ll admit it but I am not moving in. Not yet.
“Right” I said. “I love you babe” I said, in an awful attempt at a liverpuddlian accent.
“Don’t tell me that was meant to sound like me” He stated, smiling slightly.
“It wasn’t?” I tried. Zak just laughed.
“I love you babe” He said.
“I love you too Rudolph” I said, leaning in and kissing the tip of his nose. I dropped his hand and began to walk away. “Night Night” I turned and blew him a kiss and he smiled. I walked on heading towards the SU bar. I turned and saw that Zak was still stood in front of mobs watching me. I was to far away for him to see it but I rolled my eyes at him. I am perfectly capable of looking after myself!

Around 5 minutes later I had reached the top of the third flight of stairs and the front door of the flat. All of the lights were off although I could see the TV flickering from the kitchen window. I took the key out of my handbag and opened the front door and walked straight in. The TV was playing away but no one was sat in the sitting area. I walked forward slightly and peaked down the hall. None of the bedroom lights were on either.
“Hey” A voice said, coming from the sitting room and I jumped around instantly.
“OH!” I said loudly startled by Archie’s voice.
“Sorry” He smirked, laughing at the way I’d reacted. “Where’s Zak?” The first question I get asked when I go anywhere, even at Gaby’s earlier. I can cope without him!
“Walking back to his flat” I stated, moving over to the couch opposite to where Archie was sprawled. My attention turned to the TV he was watching American Pie. Such an Archie film.
“So what are you over for?” Archie asked.
“Because I live here?” I said, moving over to switch the lamp on. “FOR GODS SAKE ARCHIE PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!!” I stated loudly shielding my eyes.
“I’m sorry” He said sarcastically. “I wasn’t expecting anyone back!” His hands now covering his area.
“What do you mean?” I asked, as I started to unbutton my coat.
“Well, let me see, Rhys hasn’t slept here since he and Natalie …” Archie pulled a face and I nodded “Natalie’s disappeared, Elliot’s in Wales, Cameron’s in Chicago, Kris is with Gabs and you’re never here anymore!”
“Sorry” I said. Poor Archie. He needs us right now and we’ve all abandoned him. “Well, I’m staying here tonight, so I’d appreciate it if you’d go put some clothes on” I said sarcastically.
“A man can’t be comfortable in his own home” Archie muttered, standing up going through to his room. He reappeared seconds later with a pair of jeans and a tshirt on. “Better?”
I nodded, taking my shoes off and bringing my legs up onto the couch.
“So, Lorna? What have you been up to?” Archie said going into the kitchen and bringing a big bag of doritoes out of the cupboard.
“Well, Archie” I began in the exact way he had just spoken to me. Archie walked back over and lay back down on the couch the exact same way as before. “I spent the morning with Gaby, then came back here, showered, got dressed and then I went to Zak’s. Then back to Gaby’s again.”
“How is she?” He asked. I knew that question was coming, I just wish I knew the answer. I sighed causing Archie to say, “Not good then?”
“I don’t know.” I muttered. “I really do not know.”
“It’ll just take time for her to adjust.” Archie said, fiddling with his hands. I didn’t say anything in return going back into my head again. “Why didn’t I see you earlier when you came round?” Archie said, trying to change the subject but I didn’t listen.
“I just wish she’d talk to someone though!” I began, “I tried but she just shouted at me. And I don’t hold it against her at all I just wish she could see the truth!”
“The Truth?” Archie questioned, I realised I had said too much.
“She thinks Rhys should be forgiven.”
“Why?” Archie asked, quickly. I didn’t expect him to care this much to be honest but he’d even turned the TV down and seemed to be properly interested in the conversation. He’d definitely changed in the past few months, I’d even admit that he’d grown up a bit but I suppose he had too.
“Because she slept with Kris and that’s the same thing apparently, so she’s being a hypocrite for not forgiving him.” I replied.
“2 wrongs don’t make a right” Archie said. I nodded. We both drifted into silence for a period of time, thinking about it.
“So,” I said, attempting to change the subject. Thinking about it was just making me more frustrated. “What did you do today?”
“This” He said moving his hands around the sitting area, causing me to notice the mess of crisp bags & bottles and the pile of dvds beside the TV.
“Jealous?” Archie smirked.
“Yes!” I said. “I shouldn’t say that!” I admitted, slightly disappointed in myself.
“Why?” Archie asked.
“I’m complaining that my day was crap and making it sound like, oh I dunno.” I said stopping as I realised I didn’t really understand what I was trying to say. “Making it sound like I didn’t want to be helping Gaby, not that I did anyway. I think I just made her worse” I sighed again.
“Cheer up!” Archie said. “Time & Space!” Yeah, time and space when she only knows half of what even happened!!! Archie picked up a can of cider from beside the couch he was sat on and then another. He threw one of them over to me. I looked at it for a few seconds before tossing it back over to him.
“Wow. Did Lorna just refuse a drink?!” He smirked.
I nodded. “Can’t mix them with my pills” I said.
“Forgot about them!” He said. I’m glad someone has! “How are you doing?” I sighed instantly.
“Would you stop sighing!” Archie said. “It’s depressing and very unlornalike!”
“Sorry. That was quite rude.” I laughed slightly. “Thank you for caring. I’m good thank you. I’m just not liking how over protective Zak has gone. Gaby was even doing it earlier. I’m okay! Yeah, I’m a bit dizzy! But when have I not been?!” I laughed. Archie’s phone bleeped, and he got it out of his pocket. “I’m surprised Zak hasn’t checked up on me yet actually! He wasn’t too pleased when I told him I was sleeping here. Since he wouldn’t get to monitor my every move!”
Archie laughed slightly before reading aloud from his phone; “Hey Mate. Don’t tell her I’ve texted but Is Lorna at halls yet? Can you please make sure she takes her pills?”
“I am going to kill him.” I said, my teeth bared. I can look after myself!
“Why aren’t you staying at his tonight?” Archie questioned, opening his newest can of cider and taking a sip.
“Many reasons” I shrugged.
“Like?” Archie continued, taking another sip of his can. I’ve known Archie for almost a year? And this has to be the longest sensible conversation we have ever had!
“I’m never here” I smirked, quoting him from earlier.
“And …” Archie asked, waiting for me to continue.
“He keeps talking about stuff I don’t want to talk about”
“Like football?” Archie guessed, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
“I wish.” I muttered. “No, like the doctors and hospital appointments and serious big kid stuff I just don’t want to deal with!”
“Oh” Archie said awkwardly. “Maybe he’d talk about it less if you let him go to those appointments and things?”
“Don’t tell me he ranted about that to you as well?!” I asked. Archie nodded. “Sorry”
“You’re all he ever talks about anymore” Archie said, faking tears. “You took my friend away”
“Oh shut up!” I smiled. “He was mine before he was ever yours!”
Archie smiled. “I know”
“What did you text back?” I asked, getting up from the chair and wandering into the kitchen for a drink.
“I told him to come over”
“Why?” I said, giving Archie an evil look. It’s not that I don’t want Zak here because I know that when I’m lying in bed later I’ll miss getting a cuddle but, I don’t know. I just don’t think it’s a good idea being with him all the time just now. It was being too much too soon that added to the fall out last time. And I’m scared that with all this talk about kids and the future I’ll scare him off. We’re in our early 20’s, even though it doesn’t feel like it anymore. Life’s still supposed to be fun!
“Cause you’re boring…” Archie said bringing me back to reality as he took another sip of his cider.
“Thanks…” I said, not sure what he was meaning.
“He’s bringing Chinese” Archie smiled. Poor Zak. That’s twice in one day he’s been sent out for food. “Plus it’ll save him losing sleep” I rolled my eyes. “Worrying about you sleeping here ,with me just a few doors away, I’ve saw you naked” he began, I forgot about that!!. “now you’ve saw me naked, it’s bound to happen!” He winked. I laughed slightly and rolled my eyes. Mature, sensible Archie had lasted less than half an hour …

I woke up suddenly sitting up slightly. I looked to my side and Archie was lying on the couch watching a film as before. He looked at me and smiled.
“She’s up” He announced. It was then when I noticed I was lying curled up by Zak’s side, his arm around my shoulders pulling me in closer. He also smiled at me. I wiped my eyes and looked at the TV.
“Was I snoring?” I asked, annoyed at myself for falling asleep when we were meant to be watching a film. I hate it when people fall asleep while we’re watching something and I’ve just gone and done it.
Archie nodded with a smirk on his face, “Yeah”
“Sorry!” I said, slightly embarrassed.
“It’s fine” Zak said. “You didn’t sleep yesterday cause of my snoring, today I can’t hear the TV because of yours”
“Sorry” I repeated, frowning at myself.
“Stop apologizing” Archie said. “We got used to it” He laughed.
“At least I know you actually took the pills” Zak said squeezing me. Ergh. They make me drowsy.
“So” I said, trying to change the subject. “What’s happening?” I said, gesturing to the TV.
“You’re not going to understand it” Zak muttered, “It’s a concentrating film”
“Right …” I said, completely uninterested.. I cuddled in to Zak and fiddled about with his hand that had ended up holding mine. It was nice. It’s 20 to 10. We started watching this at like 9 so there’s still like way over an hour left. Yay … I took my phone out of my pocket. It was flashing. I typed in the password and noticed I had 3 messages. One from Alyson, one from Claire and one from Kris. I opened Kris’ message first knowing that it would be related to Gaby and after what he’d told me earlier I was worried.
From: Kris 8.54pm
Rhys came over. He was completely off his face.
Oh god. He’d sent this around an hour ago.
I replied instantly and asked, What happened? Are you all okay?
From Kris 9.43pm
Yeah. Gaby and Alicia are both asleep now. He was horrible to Gaby though. The things he said were awful.
What?! Why is HE the one being horrible. It should be the other way around.
Like what? I asked awkwardly. Wondering if maybe, he had finally told her the truth. Both Zak and Archie were oblivious to the fact I was sat here texting Kris back and forth.
From Kris 9.44pm
Like she’d never find anyone else because she has a kid and that her body is disgusting
Her body is disgusting?! She’s an ex anorexic! For fucks sake. Rhys has out done himself this time!
Oh my god. What else was said? How did you get him to leave? I replied. The positive thing was that Kris was there. Gaby had someone there.
From Kris 9.44pm
Gaby told him to come back tomorrow
What?! WHY?!
From Kris 9.45pm
So they could talk.

Even through text I could easily tell how much this was hurting him. I mean no wonder. He genuinely loves Gaby so much, this must be killing him.
A bedroom door opened from further down the hall, causing all three of us to sit up. Natalie walked slowly up the corridor, deliberately avoiding eye contact with all of us. She walked straight into the kitchen and straight to the fridge. How long had she been in there?! She was a mess. I’d never seen Natalie like this. She hadn’t slept. Her hair was a mess. She looked ill! She wasn’t dressed like Natalie either; wearing very plain grey joggers and a light pink jumper that was torn at the sleeve. I looked at Zak and Archie. They were just sat there awkwardly. Not sure of what to do. I didn’t know either. I sat back down; and cuddled into Zak’s chest.
“Lorna?” Natalie said awkwardly, I sat up slowly. “Can I talk to you?” I didn’t say anything but I stood up and went into my bedroom. I bent down and picked up my clothes from the floor and threw them into the corner. I then went over and sat on my bed. Natalie shut the door behind her and just stood there.
“How is she?”
“What?” I laughed nastily. “You care now? Natalie I’ve been warning you for months that this was going to happen! And you didn’t give a shit! All you cared about was Rhys and how much he loved you!”
“I’m s“ Natalie began.
“Don’t!” I snapped. “Don’t dare. It’s a bit late for sorry.”
“Has she cut herself?” Natalie asked, playing with the sleeves of her jumper. She wouldn’t look at me. It was then when I realised I have no clue what Natalie has done for the past 2 days. Has she even attempted to talk to Gaby in person, or is she just trying to ask me now because I’m probably the easiest person to find out from.
“I don’t even want to answer that” I said. I sat there awkwardly. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know what to think. I know that it’s not entirely Natalie’s fault but Gaby and her were close. It just doesn’t make any sense to me why she would do that. Yeah, okay, the first time they ever slept together Natalie didn’t even know Gaby and Rhys were together but still, she had only known him for less than 5 bloody minutes. Also, just because they did it once didn’t mean they had to do again, and again and again.
My attention turned from my thoughts by the opening of the flat door, it banged loudly off of the wall.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?! “ I heard Zak ask angrily. The door to my bedroom flew open and whacked Natalie hard in the side. Rhys barged in, wavering slightly and headed straight for my wardrobe.
“What the fuck are you doing?!” Zak asked him loudly. Rhys had started pulling stuff out of my wardrobe.
“Trying to find your girlfriends spare bottle!” Rhys laughed. “They refused to serve me in the pub any longer, so I went a walk then realised that Lorna’s pathetic enough to have some hidden somewhere” He pulled one of the boxes on the shelf above my wardrobe and sure enough what was there but a half empty bottle of vodka “What did I tell you!” Rhys said, taking the bottle and throwing the rest of the box onto my bed, where I was still sat, speechless.
“I doubt you need any more of that!” Archie said, grabbing the bottle out of Rhys’ grip. Rhys looked up at Archie.
“What has any of this got to do with you?” Rhys said, stumbling across the room to Archie. Archie stepped back a little. “It’s between me, Gaby, her” his face was full of hatred as he lifted his hand and pointed at Natalie. He fell towards her slightly. The way he was looking at her was vile.
“And probably Kris” He said. “Bloody Transvestite” He muttered. He pushed past Archie and along the corridor. We all followed him, staying close together. Natalie was stood slightly behind the rest of us, clearly scared of him. “Do you know she’s slept with him already?” He said, turning to face us.
“What?” Archie asked.
“I’ve just been over there.” He said, falling towards the wall. He sank down onto the floor before he continued. “And she came to the door, dressed only in his shirt and a pair of pants.” All of us stayed silent. Rhys clambered up from the floor and walked towards us quickly. Zak, Archie, Natalie and I shared quick looks of confusion before he pushed past me forcefully. I lost my balance but Zak grabbed my arm quickly. Rhys stuck his hands out and grabbed Natalie’s face and tried to kiss her. Natalie struggled, not wanting this. I just stood there gobsmacked. How could he?! Archie and Zak quickly grabbed him and pulled him backwards off of Natalie. Rhys stood there for a few seconds - that felt like minutes - with both Archie and Zak not letting him go. He stood in thought for a few seconds. I moved closer to Natalie who was now almost in tears and placed my hand sympathetically on her arm. As much as I don’t agree with what’s gone on, Natalie didn't deserve that. For him to force himself on her just because he was jealous of Kris.
“I should go” Rhys announced breaking the silence. He had finally said something that the rest of us agreed with. Archie and Zak moved their hands away from his shoulders.
“I’m sorry” He said as he turned and walked out of the flat and for once, I actually think that he meant it.

Gaby's POV

I know I’m the last person on earth you want to speak to, but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I really love you, Gaby. You’ve been one of the greatest friends I’ve ever had and I’ve just repaid you by being a slut. If you’ll give me 5 minutes to talk to you today I'll be so grateful. Please forgive me, Natalie xx

The number she’d sent the text on was unknown to my phone, so either she had a new one or she was borrowing someone else’s. I rolled over onto my back, thinking of a reply. It was half 6 in the morning. Natalie’s text had woken me up. Why on earth she was texting at this god-forsaken hour I have no idea, but she had. Alicia hadn’t even woken up yet, that’s how early it is!
My mind was blocked. I really had nothing to say to her. She’d been the worst friend in the world and I honestly didn’t feel like she deserved my time. But then, I thought of myself being in her shoes. Just say it was the other way around, I would – without a doubt – want five minutes to explain myself. So I sent a quick reply telling her I’d be round at 10.
I didn’t bother trying to go back to sleep. It felt awkward having Kris lying in bed next to me now that my mood from yesterday had gone. Waking up and seeing him, fast asleep and by my side, it just made me feel weird. I honestly cannot remember what led me to beg for sex last night. If Kris was some kind of body-builder, hunky model then yeah, it would make sense. But he isn’t. He’s a scrawny Irish guy who actually fancies lads too.
I shuddered at the thought and carefully got up out of bed so I didn’t wake him. It was only once I was stood up that I saw Alicia staring at me from her cot.
“Morning blossom.” I whispered quietly, smiling at her. As soon as she heard my voice she shrieked excitedly and starting kicking her legs. I glanced nervously at Kris, worried that her reaction would wake him up. He didn’t even stir.
Good.
I reached into Alicia’s cot and pulled her out before she could make anymore racket. I actually needed the toilet, but if I left her, now that she’d seen me, she would probably cry... That would almost certainly wake Kris. Although, he didn’t seem to care when she cried in the night and I had to get up to sort her. The whole point in me calling him was that I didn’t trust myself, yet he just left me to deal with her dirty nappies and midnight feedings!
I walked through to the bathroom with Alicia.
“Sorry chicken, but you’re going to have to sit on the floor whilst I sort myself out.” I said as I closed the door. She obviously didn’t understand what I was saying, because her face lit up with excitement again. If someone said to me, “You’re going to sit on a cold, hard floor whilst I shower in front of you.” I don’t think I’d be too happy.
I set her down on the rug and gave her a rubber duck to play with whilst I quickly washed myself off in the shower. I tried to avoid getting soap on my arms where the cuts still hurt like hell.
I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around myself, but I didn’t bother turning the shower off. Instead I started stripping Alicia out of her pyjamas, turned the temperature of the water down a little bit, and placed her in a sitting position inside the shower.
She loved it.
It was the biggest smile I’d seen on her face ever. She didn’t even mind the water going over her face, which she usually hates if I’m giving her a bath. I washed her down with soap and gave her hair a scrub with baby shampoo, then I found her a small towel and dried her off. It must have been a good few days since she’d last been washed, so I’m guessing she now felt as refreshed as me. I wrapped her tightly in the towel and set her on the floor again whilst I changed into the only clothes I had in the bathroom, jeans and a green vest top. Then I towel dried my hair, dumped that in the washing basket and scooped Alicia up so I could dress her.
As soon as I put Alicia on her changing table, she grabbed the pack of baby wipes and instantly began chewing on them.
“I know you’re hungry, but really that can’t be tasty.” I said, tapping her on the nose. She just looked at me, as though silently telling me how wrong I was. I couldn’t help but smile at how cute she honestly looked.
Once she had her nappy and highly fashionable outfit on – Minnie Mouse jeans and a pink, flowered, t-shirt – I took her through to the other room so I could give her some breakfast. She sat happily on the floor with her colourful books and toys whilst I went through to the kitchen to make her some food. It was as I was walking through that I remembered I had more messages on my phone that I hadn’t bothered reading.

LornaWilson: 22:40
Rhys has just been round. He told us all you’ve slept with Kris – again?! Honestly, Gaby, you’re only hurting yourself. So tell me it wasn’t true and he just got the wrong idea? I’m seriously worried about what you’re getting yourself into…

RhysAshworth: 1:36
I’m so sryb. I didnrer meann it. Caan we takjj tormmow./?’

Lornaaaaaaa 6:45am
I don’t know when you’re going to be up, but I’m awake now and I want to talk to you. So please can I either come to you, or you come to me, at around noon? I’m really sorry about yesterday, but I need to know you’re not doing anything stupid. I’m at halls all day if you want to come here x

“Oh, crap.” I sighed when I realised Lorna’s last message was sent via BBM, not text. She’ll know I’ve read it now. How can I reply? I can’t tell her I slept with Kris. It’s insane! Even I don’t understand why I did it, so how can I expect her to?
I groaned and leaned against the kitchen side, staring out the window, thinking.
“You okay?” Kris asked from behind me, sounding like he was in mid yawn. I whirled around, shocked he was up so early.
“Yeah. Sorry, did I wake you?”
“No, Alicia did.” He smiled at me. I didn’t return it. I was too concerned about what everyone else was thinking. Plus, I realised I really did have no emotion towards Kris anymore.
“So what’s with the distant look?” Kris asked, staying stood in the doorway. It was only then I realised I wasn’t looking at him but was instead staring at the floor.
“Oh, er.” I tried to shake the daze out of my head. “Everyone already knows what we did last night - which is just perfect… I’m trying to think of a reply to Lorna’s message.” I turned away from him, not meaning to be rude but wanting to tell him that last night really did mean nothing to me. I’m such a whore.
I think he got the message. It was only a few seconds later that I heard him in the other room talking to Alicia. I took a deep breath, feeling more at ease knowing he wasn’t breathing down my neck, and sent Lorna a quick reply.

Let me just sort Alicia out then I'll reply properly x

That gave me time to think.
I made Alicia some weatabix and got her a cup of water for breakfast. It wasn’t very interesting but it was all I had in the house. Lucky I even had that, actually. Kris took it off me as I bent down to feed her, telling me I can go and get ready if I want. I smiled, thanked him and then went through to my room and started drying my hair and thinking of what to say to Lorna.
Maybe I should just tell her the truth. That I hit the worst stage ever last night and Kris helped me out. That is basically what happened.
I didn’t bother doing anything with my hair. I put a headband in and just let it fall flat and naturally. I just did my make-up normally too, except I swapped my mascara with a waterproof one. Knowing my luck I'll definitely be crying at some point today. My stomach dropped at the thought.

-

“Can you turn the tv down a little bit? My head hurts.”
“I’m not surprised, you drank a factory last night.”
“Yeah, I’m not proud of it.”
“You really scared Natalie, you know. She was in tears.”
“I said I’m not proud of it!”

I stood quietly in the entrance of the flat, listening to Rhys and Archie’s conversation. I’d left Alicia at home with Kris. It was nearly 8 and I’d come round to halls early so I could talk to Lorna. She told me no one else was up yet… She lied.
I didn’t want to walk around and announce myself. I was contemplating just leaving now before anyone realised I was here. But then Rhys walked over to the kitchen and caught sight of me in the doorway. He froze. I stood there awkwardly for a second before closing the door behind me.
“You’re here early.” He said quietly. I chewed on my lip and nodded.
“I wanted to talk to Lorna.”
“Oh. Right.” He took a step back, like he was giving me space so I could get past him.
“And you, as well.” I added, staying rooted to the spot. “And Natalie.”
He just nodded at me. “You didn’t bring Alicia?”
“Er, no, I didn’t think that would be a very safe option.”
“Safe? You think I’d hurt her?” He asked, not sounding angry but almost hurt.
“No!” I said quickly. I know Rhys would never hurt her. “I just meant I don’t know what state I'll be in after… after…” I couldn’t finish. I just shrugged and walked forwards. With every step I took, he took a step back. He really wanted to give me space – I think. I saw Archie on the sofa. He smiled at me as I passed and I smiled back.
“Is Lorna in her room?” I asked him. He just shrugged.
“You can check.”
I smiled again and walked to Lorna’s room, knocking twice before walking inside. I couldn’t wait for a response. Rhys’ eyes were still fixed on me and I didn’t like it.

“Gabs!” Lorna grinned at me as I walked in. Her room was unusually tidy. There were no clothes on the floor, her bed had been made, it even looked like she’d hovered!
“Where’s Zak?” I asked, an automatic question. Her smile dropped.
“You know, that’s the first question anyone asks me these days? Before hello, everyone always asks where Zak is or why I’m not with Zak or how I could let him out of my sight. We aren’t joint at the hip, you know.” She seemed really pissed off. I closed her door slowly.
“Guess I pushed your buttons then, eh?”
“Sorry. We had an argument last night.” Lorna sighed and shook her head.
“What happened?”
“It’s nothing. He just told me I was wrong about something and I told him to leave me alone.” She wasn’t making eye contact with me. I guess whatever they argued about really upset her.
“It’ll be fine, I promise.” I said, taking a seat at her desk.
“I’m really sorry about yesterday.” Lorna blurted out. “I just care so much, it’s stupid. I know you don’t want everyone hovering over you, but I don’t want to see you hurt no matter who caused it.”
“It’s fine Lorna. After you left I realised I’d been a complete bitch. I’m sorry.”
We both went quiet.
“So did you and Kris really have sex last night?” She asked, clearly not able to stop herself. I sighed.
“Yup.”
Her eyes widened.
“Really?!”
“I thought you knew already?”
“Rhys just said you were in his top. I thought maybe there was some other explanation. Oh Gabs…” She seemed concerned again. “What does this mean?”
“I don’t understand.” I admitted.
“Well, are you and Kris getting together now?”
“No.” I said, laughing at the thought.
“But-” Lorna paused. “You aren’t still thinking about getting back with Rhys are you? After everything he said to you last night?”
“How do you know what he said to me last night?” I asked, honestly curious. I was trying my hardest not to raise my voice right now.
“Kris text me.”
“Of course he did..” I rolled my eyes. It’s so typical of my friends to be texting each other behind my back, secretly discussing my every move.
“Don’t you think it would make sense to just stick with Kris now?”
I looked at her, really confused. “No?”
“But you guys have a kid! You guys love each other!” Her voice was getting higher. I shook my head.
“Lorna, I don’t love Kris.”
“You’re lying.” She mumbled, narrowing her eyes.
“This is actually one of the only times you’re wrong.” I told her truthfully. She watched me for a second, then her mouth popped open in shock.
“Why did you sleep with him if you don’t love him?”
“Comfort? Insecurity? I don’t know, you pick.” I said, shrugging. “And it’s not like I don’t love him. I mean, I’d still call him one of my best friends. And he’s Alicia’s Dad. He’s almost like family, a different kind of love.” I smiled at her.
“You used him?” Her voice was a whisper.
“I checked it through with him first.” I said, feeling guilty all over again.
“Gaby!” Lorna suddenly stood up, making me jump. “You can’t do this to him. Not again! He actually loves you, as in LOVE. L-O-V-E. He wants to marry you, and have more children with you, and be with you. You’re just hurting him for your own fun!”
She towered over me, a disapproving look on her face.
“Remember this time last year, when Kris came back, and you said to me something along the lines of ’Don’t even think of getting back together with him, he’s hurt you way too much!’? Yeah? When did that all change?”
“About 5 months after that.” She grumbled quietly. I paused. I didn’t actually expect her to answer that.
“What?”
She sighed, looking thoroughly annoyed yet upset at the same time.
“You need to talk to Rhys.”
“Lorna, what do you know?” I asked calmly, but the fear was there in my voice.
“Gaby-” She paused for breath. “please, talk to Rhys.”
I waited, hoping she’d change her mind and just talk to me herself. When she made no sign of doing this, I stood up, preparing to leave.
“Can I ask again what happened to your arms?” Lorna asked, clearly catching sight of them under my cardigan. I shook my head at her and walked out of the room.

I was happy to see Rhys alone in the sitting room. I cleared my throat so he’d know I was there and he immediately stood up.
“I’m ready to hear you out.” I said, staying stood up. I didn’t trust myself to sit down. I was scared about how weak that would make me.
“I’m so sor-”
“I don’t need you to apologise. Just explain – please.” I took a deep breath.
Rhys looked at me for a long while, then he looked at the floor. I was surprised to see tears forming in his eyes. His voice, when he spoke, was quite thick.
“I just, I didn’t know if we were together or not. After everything we’d been through, I wasn’t sure if we were going to make it. I made a mistake. Natalie was just - she was just here.”
“So whilst I was getting ready to see you, to start things up again, you were seducing Natalie?” I asked, not really wanting an answer.
“Yes.”
I closed my eyes, hit by a new wave of pain.
“Did you think we were over?” I asked quietly. When he didn’t reply I opened my eyes. He was giving me a quizzical look. “Am I just over-reacting? We weren’t exactly exclusive. I guess we had broken up, hadn’t we?” My eyes were starting to sting now.
“I don’t want to use that as an excuse.” Rhys mumbled, a tear fell from his eye. He wiped it away then looked at me. “I love you. What I did - it was sick. It was wrong.”
I nodded back.
“I know you think I’m being a hypocrite, but I don’t know if I can forgive you, Rhys.” I said slowly. This seemed to break him. He rushed closer to me, then fell to his knees and clutched me around the waist.
“No, no please. Gaby, I wanted to make it work when you hurt me. I was prepared to fight so that we could be together.” He put his head against my stomach. “Please. I need you. I can’t imagine living without you. Please.”
I put my hands on his arms and tried to force him to let go of me.
“No Rhys. You haven’t just hurt me by sleeping with someone else. The comments you made yesterday – to me, of all people? You should know how hard it is for me to feel loved. You should know..” I pushed him whilst I took a step back so I could create a certain distance between us.
“I was drunk. I’m sorry. I won’t ever hurt you again. I just made one mistake-”

“No.”
Natalie’s voice behind me made me jump. I saw Rhys’ eyes widen in shock before I turned to face her. She was wearing leggings and a baggy beige top, totally sluggish compared to what Natalie would usually be seen in.
“Don’t –” Rhys’ voice sounded panicked. I stood back against the wall so I could see both of them.
“I am not lying anymore, okay? I’ve been the worst person in the whole world. Gaby,” Natalie faced me, tears in her eyes. Mine had stopped now. It was like the fear of what she was about to say had put them on hold. “We didn’t only do it once.”
I closed my eyes and let it sink in. The thing I’d been dreading had finally been confirmed. When I opened my eyes, I saw Lorna standing in her doorway, leaning against the door frame.
“How many times?” I asked quietly. Rhys sobbed behind me.
Natalie had her eyes closed this time, clearly not really wanting to answer.
“Dozens.” She finally replied. I felt the air knock out of me. “When it first happened, I didn’t even know you guys were dating. I just thought it was a bit of fu-”
“Wait, what?” I interrupted her. “You didn’t know we were together?” Fear, hurt, confusion – all of that was replaced with anger.
“How long has this been going on?” I asked through gritted teeth, this time rounding on Rhys who was still knelt down in front of me. He looked at me, tears still leaking from his eyes.
“Since new year.” He said quietly. I gasped, trying to take a step back but just hitting solid wall.
“A – a year?” My voice had gone. It was merely a shrieked whisper. “So basically the whole time we’ve dated. The whole time you’ve “loved” me, you guys have been at it behind my back?” I was hurt beyond pain. “This whole time?”
“I’m sorry.” Natalie whispered.
“No, no!” I rounded on her. “Sorry means you wouldn’t do it again, but you did do it again. Over and over, and over!”
“Gaby-” Rhys tried to get hold of my hand but I pulled it back and slapped him around the face as hard as I possibly could. I heard Lorna gasp behind me.
“How you could let me torture myself for sleeping with Kris. How you can give me grief and beg for forgiveness after a WHOLE YEAR.” I shook my head, turned on my heel and stormed out of the flat.

Lorna's POV


“You have to promise that you will not tell Zak I’m doing this!” I begged, as I brought the French martini up to my lips.
“I’m not as good at not telling people things as you are” Gaby replied snidely, “I’ll try I suppose” She brought her long vodka up to her lips and took a sip. We both picked up our drinks from the bar and made our way through the crowds to a table where we both sat down. I looked around again. It’s in between Christmas and New Year. The SU bar should not be this busy! The SU bar is never this busy …
“Lorna!” A familiar voice shouted, I instantly turned around and Lewis was stood there.
“Lewis?!” I said completely shocked that my brother’s best friend was here, in the SU. I stood up and gave him a hug before I sat back down again.
“Have you met Gabs before?” I asked, taking another sip of my martini.
“No” He said, lifting his hand up awkwardly and waving at her. “Hello “Gabs””
“Hello” Gaby said.
“Gaby is my best friend” I said. Gaby laughed in the background as though to say as if but I just ignored it. “And Lewis is, well Lewis is-“ I began starting to mumble.
“I’m Lorna’s ex” He said, sticking his hand out and Gaby shook it with a large smile on her face.
“Oh” Gaby giggled. We all went silent taking a sip of our drinks. “so, why ex?”
“I slept with Alyson” He laughed and Gaby joined in with him. I sat there watching them both as they laughed at me. Sinking into my chair, drinking my martini. “I haven’t even seen her since she walked in on us!” Lewis continued. “Well, we had a fight, decided that us being together wasn’t the best thing and then I went to London. I don’t regret it for a second!” He laughed loudly.
“Ha! That’s brilliant! Gaby laughed.
I turned to my side and Neil had appeared randomly stood at the side of the table with a tray of drinks. “I had a baby with Alyson” He practically cackled, sitting a blue wkd down in front of me. “Then I moved in with them.” He continued, sitting a pint down in front of Lewis. “I only regret it because I needed to put up with that every single day for years” He complained.
Again, all 3 of them burst out in a chorus of laughter.
“Do you remember how much you used to cry?” Neil teased. “You thought no one knew but we all did!”
“She just ran off in tears when she walked in on us!” Lewis mocked. “You’d think she’d have the courage to shout or something but nope. She’s just a little wimp!”
“I didn’t mean as much to her as those 2 did” Sam started, sitting on the spare chair at the table. I jumped slightly not realising he was there. “We’d only went to the cinema and stuff a couple of times but that didn’t mean it hurt Lorna any less when she found me snogging Rachel on the trampoline!” As though they were following a strict pattern the 4 of them began laughing again. Their laughs echoing around me. Everyone in the SU bar seemed to be laughing with them. My stomach sank further. “God she went –“ Sam began again.
“Can I interrupt you?” Gaby asked. Sam nodded, taking a can of cider off of Neil’s tray. He was still stood there at the side of the table. “They clearly hurt you Lorna” Gaby said confidently. “I mean you’ve even shut up! Not said a word since they started talking! That has to be some sort of record. You’re always talking! Just not telling me secrets, you know, like my boyfriend shagging our friend!” She continued. “If you know the pain that it causes why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Gaby asked, moving closer towards me her eyes welling up. “If you’ve gone through it before why didn’t you try to make it stop” Gaby said, she moved closer and closer. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She asked. “It’s not like we didn’t speak practically every day!” She said. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She asked again. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She repeated, getting louder and louder. The whole SU suddenly went dead silent. Everyone staring at us. Then out of the silence Gaby let out a weak whisper, her voice thick with tears, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

I woke up with a start, sitting up straight in my bed. I sat there looking around my room for a few seconds before I realised that that was just a dream. Of course it was. Gaby’s not going to be going to the SU bar with me anytime soon. My exes aren’t randomly hanging in the SU. I don’t know what Gaby’s doing right now. She’ll be home now, if she went home, I hope she went home. I threw out my hand and grabbed my phone from my bedside table. I looked at it. 9.47am.
After the door had closed behind Gaby, Natalie had ran straight to her bedroom, tears streaming down her cheeks. She’d done it. She told the truth unlike Rhys. Rhys sat there on the floor with his knees curled up, tears also running down his cheeks – one of which was extremely red in comparison with the other. Gaby had given him the hardest slap I had ever witnessed. I wonder if he’s still out there now. I must’ve slept for around an hour. I’d stood hidden in my doorway for a while after Gaby left. Mostly in shock. I never expected Natalie to be the one who told the truth. Then I just lay here thinking. I didn’t know what to do, how to act. Whether I should phone Gaby, go round to hers. She knows that I knew that. I told her so many times she didn’t know the truth. She knows I knew. She knows I’ve kept secrets for the past 7 months. She knows I’m the crappiest best friend ever. I stood up off of my bed and walked out of my room and up the corridor. The further I moved up the hall I noticed that Archie was stood in the kitchen. He turned, obviously having heard me walk up the hall.
“What’s up?” He asked.
“Nothing” I said, faking a smile.
“You’ve got mascara everywhere” He stated, telling me he knew I was lying. I lifted my hand up and started rubbing my eyes. “You and Zak still not made up?” I had barely thought about that since Gaby had left. He left last night really late on it must’ve been about one in the morning. It was argument that started about Gaby and escalated into a fight about everything and in the end I told him to go. “That was a major domestic you two had last night” Archie smirked, lifting up his tea and taking a drink.
“What did you hear?” I asked, instantly panicked. I don’t even remember everything that was said. Zak was really angry at me for not telling Gaby. He finally told me really what he thought of me for not telling the truth. Then about how he didn’t like me and Kris still being close friends and then onto babies. Of course. I’m 20 years old but me and my boyfriend – of less than a year (when you think about the 3 months of barely speaking) – have the arguments that people who are much older and married have. I just want to forget about all this drama and go back to being a student; going to lectures, working at MOBs and going to the SU and the pub with my friends. Friends. I hadn’t even given it a thought that after today our group will never be the same again. Of course it’s never been the same for very long. Kris left, Rhys came, Archie came, Gaby moved out, Zak moved out, Cameron came. There has been a lot of changes but we’ve always all gotten along – minus Gaby and Elliot, obviously. I have a few friends from lectures who do not get on with their flatmates at all. I’ve always felt lucky for living in the flat that I do. If I hadn’t been placed in this flat I wouldn’t have met Zak, or Gaby, or Kris or any of the others. I would have completely different friends.
“Lorna?” Archie asked, waving his hands in front of my face. It was then when I realised I’d gone completely away in my head.
“Sorry” I said. “What did you say?”
“I asked what was said that I shouldn’t be hearing?” He questioned.
“Nothing” I muttered, reaching up and going into the cupboard that had the cereal in it.
“Is Gaby still here?” He asked, taking another sip of his tea.
I simply shook my head and lifted the coco pops down out of the cupboard. I then moved into the next cupboard and got a plate out before Archie spoke again. It’s not my place to tell Archie what happened. no but it was your place to tell Gaby!!
“You’re giving me nothing!” Archie laughed. “Just as bad as him” Archie said to me quietly. “You’ll be lucky if you get him to talk.”
“Me and Natalie have been together behind Gaby’s back since January.” Rhys said, standing up off of the floor and walking through into his bedroom. Archie stood there watching him as he walked down the hall. His eyes wide with shock.
“What?” Archie muttered.
“Natalie and Rhys have been doing it behind Gaby’s back since January” I said, automatically repeating Rhys when I probably shouldn’t have. I poured some cereal in to a bowl and moved over to the fridge to get some milk. Archie was just stood there learning against the work top processing what he had just heard. I lifted up the milk and poured it into my cereal and took it back to the fridge again before Archie spoke up.
“Why aren’t you angry?” He asked. I went into the drawer and took out a spoon. “Lorna?” He asked, seriously. I didn’t answer. I stuck my spoon into the bowl. I can’t eat it. I just feel sick.
“You knew” He stated. “That’s what you meant last night when you said that Gaby didn’t know the truth!” Archie said, he sat his tea down on the worktop and turned to face me. He was quiet for minutes before he started talking again. “Why didn’t you tell her?” He asked. “Have you known the whole time?” I shook my head. I couldn’t even look at him, instead my eyes were fixed on the counter in front of me.
“I’ve known since Gaby was 7 months pregnant” I admitted. Archie looked at me, disappointedly. I turned away.
“That was –“ Archie paused, clearly doing sums in his head. “like May” He said in shock. “That was 7 months ago!” My eyes didn’t move from the counter as I continued to let Archie think aloud. “How did you find out?”
“I walked in on them” I muttered.
“And you didn’t think to tell someone? Anyone?” He said. “Did Zak know?” I shook my head.
“Why didn’t you tell her? Archie questioned and I paused for a moment. Does he know about Gaby’s problems?
“She was pregnant! Think about how the stress could’ve damaged Alicia.”
“Think about how it could hurt Alicia now” He said. “She’s a baby. What if Gaby runs off – she’s done it before – and leaves Alicia here? What if she ends up putting herself in hospital? Yeah, Kris is Alicia’s dad but he’s not as good with her as Gaby is!” I didn’t say a thing. “What if she blames Alicia? In her head always thinking that this happened because of her. Gaby’s only 19, She’s forever going to have to put Alicia first. What if this makes her regret Alicia?” Archie continued thinking aloud. I shook my head knowing that wasn’t ever going to be true. Gaby loved Alicia more than anything. I was speechless. All this time I had only worried about what would happen if Gaby found out at the time. Was Archie right that finding out now could be worse?
“I can’t believe you’ve kept it hidden!” Archie snapped.. “You could’ve caused Gaby a whole lot less hurt! She’s meant to be your best friend!”
“She is!” I said defensively. “I thought I was protecting her” I sighed, my voice thick.
“Sounds like Natalie’s more your best friend.” He said, hurtfully. “I don’t believe her either. She’s been having it on with Rhys this whole time.” I moved the spoon around the bowl of coco pops still not feeling like eating it. “Was it just sex?” He asked.
“What?” I asked, my thoughts wandering again to whether Gaby had went home or not.
“Did they have feelings for each other?” He asked. “Or was it just sex?”
I shrugged. “Natalie claimed she loved him but I don’t think he felt the same way. I don’t understand it. He loved Gaby, Archie. I saw it!” I said. “You can’t fake real love!”
“I honestly don’t know” Archie said. “I don’t know” He repeated. I continued to stir the coco pops round in the bowl watching the milk go turn to chocolate milk. “Do you reckon Gaby will have went back to her flat?” Archie asked.
“Do you think I should go over there?” I asked. Archie didn’t answer straight away.
“Yes.” He said. “You need to explain.”
Fear suddenly erupted in my stomach as though I was on the queue to go on a very high rollercoaster.
“I’ll go now” I said, walking down the corridor and into my bedroom.
“You’ve not eaten your cereal” I heard Archie say from the kitchen but I just ignored him. I grabbed a bag and shoved my purse, phone and keys into it. I then took my thick winter coat out of the wardrobe as well as a scarf and a pair of gloves. On the way out of my room I quickly fixed my messy mascara.
“See you later” I said, walking past Archie.
“Not staying at Zak’s tonight then?” He asked and I rolled my eyes and shook my head.
“Bye!” I said.

On the walk here I had planned exactly what I was going to say to Gaby; I love her, I honestly thought I was doing the best thing for her, For months I thought it was over that it was a onetime thing, I’m sorry that I wound her up about not knowing the truth but I felt that she needed to hear it from Rhys, I’m sorry for being such an awful friend.
I have no clue how Gaby’s going to react. Part of me wasn’t even sure whether she would be at home. I walked up onto Gaby’s floor and her neighbour, what’s his name was locking his door. I always find it weird seeing people locking their front doors. We’re awful at halls, no one ever locks it. Well except Elliot.
“Hi” Gaby’s neighbour said, as I got to Gaby’s front door. “She’s gone out” He told me. “Alicia too.” He paused. “The blonde guy, kris? Sort of ran after her as well”
“Oh” I gulped, “Thanks-“ I paused, about to say his name. It begins with a K I know that much.
“Karl” He said, giving an awkward smile.
“Sorry” I smiled, turning away to go back down the stairs.
“Bye Laura” He said. Laura?! I smiled but I didn’t have the heart to tell him he was wrong. I’ll be stuck with it now. Oops …
I reached the bottom of the stairs before realising I now didn’t know what to do with the rest of the day. Gaby had left with Alicia. Kris sort of ran after her? That means Kris knows how much of a bitch I am. So I can’t call him asking where they’ve gone either because in his eyes I’ll now just be as bad as Rhys and Natalie. I thought it was for the best! I still thought it was for the best yesterday! I thought it was for the best right until this morning when I literally saw Gaby’s heart smash into pieces.

I chapped Zak’s door. As wrong as this felt I didn’t just want to walk in after our fight last night but I couldn’t walk back to halls without trying to fix things. The door opened.
“Hi” Zak smiled realising it was me, he opened the door further and I walked in, heading for the couch. “I was just about to phone you.” He said, “I’m sorry about yesterday. I said crap that I didn’t mean. I was just angry about everything” He sighed.
“You were right” I admitted. Zak sat down beside me. “She knows now. This morning I text her and she came round to talk and I told her to talk to Rhys and that she didn’t know the truth” I said, really fast. “So she went to speak to him and I tried to get her to keep talking to me. She went up the hall and started speaking to Rhys and-“ I paused, I was starting to stress. I will not cry. “Natalie told her it happened more than once, Gaby asked how many times, Natalie admitted it was lots. Then Rhys said it had been going on since New Year. She slapped him and then ran out.”
“Where is she now?” Zak asked.
“She must’ve went back to her flat” I said. “Karl told me. He said that Gaby left with Alicia and then Kris hurried after her.”
“Kris is with her!” Zak said, trying to make me feel better.
“She doesn’t love Kris in the way I thought she did apparently!” I said, harshly. “I know nothing about her anymore! Nothing.” I muttered.
“You’re being overly paranoid” Zak said.
“Am I?” I asked irritably. “I don’t know how the hell she hurt her wrists. I don’t know why she was in hospital over Christmas. I don’t know anything” I sighed. “I can’t be a hypocrite though can I? Expect her to tell me things when I’ve just spent the last 7 months keeping a massive secret from her!” I continued on.
“You’re over thinking things” Zak said. “Gaby knows you love her!”
“Yeah” I sighed. “She’s going to believe that now” I said sarcastically.
“She’s not telling you these things because she doesn’t want you doing exactly what you’re doing now” He explained. “Worrying when you don’t need too!”
“Don’t act like you’re not worrying as well!” I sighed. “I’m more concerned about what she’s doing right now!”
“You didn’t tell her about Rhys because you thought it was the best thing”
“I was wrong!” I said. “It’s just taken me months to realise that.”
“It’s not like you’ve not had your own distractions!” Zak said, running his hands through my hair.
“We’re young Zak!” I said. “We’re meant to be students!” He faked a frown and I smiled. “Okay, you’re old” I said cheekily. “But me and gabs we’re meant to be having fun! “Best years of our lives” and all that crap that older people say” I said. “What have we done this year though?” I asked. “Gaby had a baby, and as cute as Alicia is she’s a huge responsibility, Gaby can’t do what she likes anymore and that’s what being a student is meant to be!! When you’re away from home doing what you like! Gaby’s also had everything else to deal with as well like her OCD and it’s just not fair!! Now this! With Rhys!” I ranted. “It’s just not fair!” I repeated.
“Tomorrow is the last day of this year!” Zak said positively. “It’s going to get better!” He said. “Gaby just needs time to get over Rhys.”
“That’s if –“
“You’ve got to trust Gaby” Zak said. “Don’t automatically think she’s at her worst.”
“You’re like the opposite of you this time last year!” I sort of laughed. Thinking back to the time when Gaby’s problems first came to light and Zak pissed Gaby off more than imaginable by being so over protective.
“Lorna, you know Gaby hates it when–“ He began.
“I know” I agreed. “I just, I don’t know” I said. “I need to speak to her.”
“You can” He said, “Tomorrow. Give her time by herself. Kris is there. He’ll look after her.”
There was a chap at the door and Zak instantly stood off the couch and went to answer it. I lifted up my hand and wiped my eyes. I looked over to the door and saw Kris stood there with Alicia in his arms. Gaby’s not there. Where the hell is she?

Gaby's POV

It wasn’t until I was already in my flat and slamming the door closed that I remembered Kris was there with Alicia, who had started crying in shock.
“Sorry.” I said, flustered and taking a deep breath. Alicia was immediately in Kris’ arms, and he was looking at me like something terrible had happened. “What?” I asked, confused.
“I could say the same thing. Are you alright?” His eyebrows were raised. I glared at him, my eyes narrowing.
“No, I’m not alright.” I answered. He looked at me, expecting me to say more.
“Because…?” He waved his hand telling me to continue. Even Alicia’s eyes had dried and were on me now, like she understood that this information was important.
“Let me think,” I paced the room, “my boyfriend of a whole year has slept with Natalie not once, not twice, but dozens upon dozens of times. Probably more times than he ever slept with me seeing as I refused to have sex due to being pregnant and then ‘cause I felt so darn insecure. Oh, and let’s also remind the world that when I would have gladly celebrated our anniversary, she was planning on celebrating theirs too. Get the picture?” I froze and rounded on Kris, my eyes still narrow, my voice harsh from the stress of realisation.
His mouth was open in shock, moving soundlessly because he couldn’t think of the words to say.
“Rhys… Natalie… What?” He gasped staring at me in horror – and also worry. Like he thought I was about to break down at any moment. I felt oddly calm. No, not calm. Stressed out of my mind. But not upset.
“Remember last year, just after New Year when Natalie came home?” I asked, my voice getting higher and higher with rage.
“Erm, no.” Kris answered, and then I realised. Of course he wouldn’t remember, he was in Australia.
“Oh. Right.” I paused. Stupid Kris. This is all his fault. If he never left to go to bloody Australia, Rhys would have never moved in and I wouldn’t have fallen in love with him and he wouldn’t have cheated on me with Natalie for a whole year!
It wasn’t until I practically growled at Kris that I realised I was getting out of control.
“What have I done?” Kris asked, eyes wide and stepping back. I took a deep breath, my jaw clenched tight.
“You. If you never left.. If you just stuck around and grew a pair… None of this would be happening.” I said it slowly and quietly.
“You’re blaming this on me?” He asked, suddenly looking confused.
“Well – Yes!”
“You cannot blame this on me. You didn’t have to fall in love with a dick! You could have waited a little while…” He let it trail, putting Alicia on the floor so she wasn’t in the middle of the argument waiting to happen.
“I do not want to get angry with you too.” I said, taking a deep breath. There was so much going through my head.
“Then don’t.” Kris answered pointedly. I nodded at him, staying quiet. “Tell me what happened – from the beginning.”
“You happened.” I said. I couldn’t control myself. He narrowed his eyes at me. I sighed, “sorry, right.” I started pacing again. This seemed to stop me wanting to attack myself.
“Me and Rhys started officially going out just before Christmas –ish.” I said, chewing on my lip and thinking about it. I can’t remember the actual day we did, I just know it all came out around then. “Anyway, I thought things were perfect because we’d been really good friends and just sort of slipped into a romance – Hey! Don’t pull that face, you asked!” I snapped at Kris as he’d just made a look of disgust.
“Sorry.” He shrugged not looking sorry at all. I rolled my eyes and continued.
“Anyway, whilst I was there thinking we were the perfect couple, Natalie came home from her Christmas break. I think I was in London at the time.” I took a deep breath. “I have just found out that whilst I was away thinking how perfect my boyfriend was he was shagging my best friend – and hasn’t stopped since.”
Kris’ face dropped.
“Oh, Gaby…”
I shook my head in anger. It was only just sinking in now that I’d said it all out loud. Every time I spoke to Natalie and she seemed weird… Every time Rhys made some excuse to leave the room because Natalie had just walked in… Lorna was right. Rhys has never been any good for me. The whole time I’ve been struggling with everything he’s just been stabbing me in the back. She knew something bad would happen, like a good friend should, she kn-
Air caught in my throat as a new wave of shock hit me. Lorna, telling me he was no good, telling me he would hurt me, telling me to get over him.
I felt like I was choking on my own breath, until suddenly, with a wave of pain, I managed to splutter, “Lorna…”
“What about her? Do you want me to call her?” Kris asked from somewhere below me. It surprised me to see him crouched down on the floor with Alicia. How long had I been off in my head?
“She knew!” Rather than come out like a whimper, as I expected, I found my voice was actually quite strong – and full of rage.
“What are you talking about?” Kris stood up now, confused all over again.
“Oh my God!” I clenched my fist and then let out a short enraged scream. Then I stormed into my room and found a jacket – I was cold earlier – and headed for the door.
“Gaby, where are you going? What about Alicia?” Kris asked from behind me. I nodded, quickly scooped Alicia off the ground and then walked briskly from the flat hearing Kris mutter something that sounded oddly like, “That’s not what I meant!”
I shut my door behind me, ignoring Karl’s stare as he checked his mail in his doorway, and jogged down the stairs. I’d hardly reached the bottom when I head my door close again and Kris’s much faster footsteps behind me.
“Gaby – hold on. Wait!” He touched my shoulder lightly as I walked down the road towards halls. “Where are you going?!”
“To find Lorna.” I snapped back.
“But why?”
“Because!” I stopped suddenly. Kris took an extra few steps forward before realising I wasn’t next to him and rounding back to me. “She knew, Kris. She knew about Rhys and Natalie!”
Kris raised his eyebrows at me.
“Are you kidding? Lorna couldn’t keep a secret like that.”
“I bet she didn’t keep it. I bet she told Zak.” I said, walking again. Alicia started squirming in my arms. That would make sense. Zak doesn’t like Rhys either. I bet they’ve been laughing about it behind my back.
“Where has all this come from?” He asked, sounding extremely frustrated with me.
“Lorna!” I answered angrily. “She’s been telling me the last few weeks not to get back with Rhys. That he’s no good for me. That I need to talk to him.” I paused, “But she’s known longer than just that. She’s known since she first started going off him.” I was just speaking my mind now. “Because before she used to tell me what a good couple we were – before she told me not to consider taking you back. Christ, she’s known for months.” I was getting hot with anger now. This had never happened before.
“Gaby, you aren’t speaking any sense!” Kris said, holding his arms out for Alicia who was reaching out for him. I passed her over, her squirming was starting to annoy me.
“No, Kris, for the first time in a long time I’m speaking perfect sense.” I shook my head in both anger and disbelief.
“But – Lorna’s your best friend!”
“That’s what I thought..”
“She wouldn’t have kept this from you. Not if it’s been months! If she just found out recently, then yeah it makes sense she’d want you to hear it from Rhys. But I know Lorna, and you know Lorna. We both know she wouldn’t not tell you.” Kris said, grabbing hold of my wrist as I rolled my eyes and made a move to start walking again. I flinched away from him, his grip was hard for my already bruised wrist.
“Ow Kris.” I flung my arm downwards so he’d let go.
“Oh, sorry.” He looked suddenly panicked.
“It doesn’t matter.” I mumbled quietly. I watched Alicia now as she changed her mind and decided she wanted me again. I held my arms out for her and Kris gave her to me willingly. Her skin was cold. I suddenly felt a heart wrenching guilt. It was the middle of winter. Snow covered the ground. And I’d rushed out of my flat with my 5-and-a-half month old daughter without even thinking of putting a coat on her. Forgetting all about Lorna, I spun around – making the snow crunch under my feet – and headed back to my warm flat.

-

Kris was in the other room. He had no idea that when I said I wanted to be alone in my room I actually meant so I could pack bags for myself and Alicia. There was still a whole 2 weeks left of the holidays, that meant I could spend New Years in Blackpool with my family and then have a real break before coming back to this hell hole. It might do me some good. Actually, I was starting to think it really would help.
Alicia’s bag was the hardest to pack. She needed more than me. Spare clothes, nappies, baby shampoo, powder, wipes, food, bottles, formula, toys… The list was almost endless. Once I’d packed my bag, I had to do a lot of sneaky business in order to get her things without Kris noticing. When he’d go into the kitchen, I’d snag her favourite singing nursery rhyme book. When he watched a particularly good goal in some football match, I took as many jars of baby food, from the kitchen, as I could carry. It took a good hour before I felt ready. I hid the bag under my bed and quickly scrawled a note for Kris so he’d know not to panic and to just give me a bit of space. I left my room then and sat on the sofa opposite Kris, thinking about how to make my escape. I felt like the sooner I leave the better. It would mean nobody else could hassle me. I might be able to clear my head easier without any more arguments or confrontations. However, I didn’t have any idea how I could leave with Kris in my flat. The most time I’d have would be whenever Kris next goes to the bathroom. I’d probably have 3 minutes, if that, before he realises we’ve left the flat. In that time I’d have to put a jacket on Alicia, grab my bag and keys, put Alicia in the car seat and set off. I’d be extremely lucky to get Alicia in the car seat in 3 minutes if there was nothing else to do. There was no way I’d be able to make it if I had to do all the other stuff too.
But I had to leave soon!
Wanting to save time, I suddenly stood up – and only then realised that Kris had been staring at me. I smiled and he smiled, sheepishly, back. I paused for a second, thinking I must look suspicious if he’s watching me, but then I realised I was being stupid. Of course he’d be watching me after everything I’ve gone through the last few days. I honestly couldn’t blame him.
I headed back through to my room and then into Alicia’s, finding her a jacked that was light enough for me to put on her now without Kris getting really suspicious, but thick enough to keep her warm before the heating works in the car.
Her little sports jacket would do. I walked back through into the sitting room and crouched down to put it on her.
“What are you doing?” Kris asked, confused.
“It’s quite cold.” I answered back, trying to sound like a caring Mother. It seemed to work. Kris just nodded at me then focused on the telly again. I went back to my seat, just waiting for my opportunity to leave.

I didn’t have to wait long. 15 minutes after putting a jacket on Alicia, Kris announced he was going to use the bathroom. I just nodded at him, my stomach suddenly filling with butterflies. This was my only chance.
As soon as I heard the bathroom door click shut, I jumped up and rushed silently into my room. I grabbed my bag, seized the note from on top and placed that on the dining table. Then I quickly grabbed Alicia from the floor, pulled my keys out of the lock and ran down the stairs.
“Going away somewhere?” Karl asked from inside his flat. I was already halfway down the stairs.
“Yeah.” I called back quickly, closing the main door behind me. I had approximately 1 minutes to get Alicia strapped in. Maybe longer if Kris stops to read the note.
I was forced to walk slower on the slippery ground, worried that if I went too fast I’d fall and hurt not myself but Alicia. The car was already unlocked - and I mentally thanked the guy who invented the button on the key - so I threw the door open and hurried to strap Alicia in. My hands were shaking, and it didn’t help that Alicia was starting to cry. It was her way of complaining about being forced into this freezing car when she was happy to just sit and play with her toys in the flat.
“C’mon baby, just let Mummy do this.” I begged, pulling the straps over her arms. I clicked them in place, checked everything was tight and secure, then walked quickly round to the drivers side and locking all the doors behind me. I’d just started the engine, thinking how well my plan had worked, when a loud thud came from the passenger window. I jumped.
“Gaby, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” I heard Kris’ angry muffled voice. I debated for half a second to just ignore him and drive off, but then he hit the window again. I scrolled the window down slightly.
“I'll be back soon.” I promised, not looking at him. I was focussing on putting the car into reverse.
“No! NO, Gaby, you won’t be back soon! Last time you said that and left for a month!” He yelled back. There was a hint of desperation in his voice. A plea. I sat, the engine humming in the background, with both hands on the wheel, just staring ahead. Slowly, I reached my hand towards the ignition and cut off the engine. I unlocked the doors, pulled the keys out and got out of the car.
“Here.” I said quietly, sliding the keys across the roof to Kris. Then, without pausing to think, I ran. I ran in the opposite direction to Halls. I ran passed Zak’s. I ran right out of Hollyoaks.
And then I got on a bus – which, incidentally, went right back through Hollyoaks – and didn’t get off till I was in the centre of Chester. That was when I headed to my old flat in search for the only true friends I seemed to have in this place.

Lorna's POV


“Gaby’s ran off” Were the only distinct words I had heard Kris say to Zak. They were still stood in the doorway talking about it. Zak, moved out of the way to let Kris come into the flat.
"Can you get a bus from Chester Bus Station to Blackpool?" Kris asked me as he handed Alicia over to Zak. Why would I know? Oh god Gaby. She’s not even got Alicia with her…
"I don't know" I sighed, “I’ll check?” I suggested, sticking my hand below the couch to see if Zak's laptop was there; it was. I picked it up, sat it on my lap and opened the top of it.
"What if she's gone somewhere else? I don't know, like London or something?!" He said, slightly panicked. He stared at Alicia deep in thought. "I shouldn't have stopped her." He stated. "In the car she would've probably gone to her mum's."
"You don't know she's gone anywhere" Zak said matter of factly, sitting Alicia down on to the floor. "Yes, she has ran off before but what's to say she hasn't just gone for a walk"
"I was convinced she'd come here!" He muttered.
"Why?" Zak asked, picking up Russell the dog and handed him to Alicia.
Kris sighed. "She wanted to speak to Lorna" I gulped. Kris turned to face me and looked at me straight in the eyes. I turned away instantly.
"She was right then" Kris said, disappointedly. "You knew and you didn't tell her"
"She was pregnant when I caught them!" I said.
"Pregnant?" Kris asked in disbelief. "Alicia is 5 and a half months old! How long have you known for?!"
"Since Gaby was around 7 months pregnant!" I admitted, my eyes focussing on the laptop in shame. Kris said nothing, I looked up at him and he looked at me with disgust.
"I stood up for you!" He shook his head. "Gaby tried to tell me you must've known and I refused to believe her! I thought you were better than that!"
"Kris, that was in May. Think back to then!" I began. "Gaby was good! She'd stopped self-harming and was getting so excited about Alicia, getting her flat" I explained. "Think about how bad for her it would've been! Bad for Alicia!" I said, looking towards her as she sat there giggling while she threw Russell about. "I thought back then that they had stopped because I caught them but they hadn't. I didn't know that though until I was in the hospital! Then before I knew it you two had been at it and they were over!" I said. "And then I didn't think it mattered anymore. But then, she caught them and I sat there and listened to her make excuses for him! Saying they weren't properly together then and then I told her to speak to Rhys. That she had to hear it
from him. The cheating, lying, manipulative bastard that he is!" I continued. "I know it sounds like crap Kris, but I honestly though keeping it from her was the best thing to do!"
Kris stood there for a few seconds digesting the new information I had just given him. "Did you know?" He asked, turning to Zak.
"Not until a few days ago" He said.
"Why?" Kris asked, turning to me. "Why not tell Zak? Me? Someone else. We could've -"
"You could've what?" I asked. "Broken them up? Hit him? Caused Gaby even more stress when she didn't know what was going on. When I found out they'd been going out a good few months! She thought he was the best thing ever!"
I looked at the hurt in Kris's eyes. He didn't want to be hearing this.
"What I don't understand is that he loves her. You can see it. He really does care. So how could he be sleeping with Natalie this whole time?"
"He's like a fucking rabbit." Kris said. I felt my eyebrow raise.
"Sarah's mum, his own sister" Zak said and my jaw dropped. I'd forgotten about that, completely.
"That's revolting" I said, I looked down and realised that Zak's laptop was loaded on my lap.
“Well that’s just him” Kris muttered as I clicked on the icon for the internet. “I just want to know where she is!” Kris said, stressed, he began to move towards the kitchen. I found it strange that though Kris and Zak were barely speaking Kris was acting rather comfortable in Zak’s flat. It was then when something on the screen caught my eye.
"She's at the union" I announced, stopping Kris in his tracks. He turned to face me.
"What?" Kris asked, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "Why?!"
"The Chester one with Ben, Ella, Luke and Sam" I explained.
"How do you know that?"
"Gabrielle Lawson has been checked in at CSU with Ben Taylor and 3 others" I read aloud from Zak's laptop.
"Facebook" Kris sighed, finally clicking. The three - well 4, if you count Alicia - of us fell silent again. I watched as Zak sat there on the floor and played with Alicia. He turned the page of her favourite nursery rhyme book, "Look at humpty dumpty Alicia, he's all broken" He said, pointing at the book. Alicia looked genuinely interested in what he had to say. It made me smile.
"What do we do?" Kris asked, in thought. "I mean do we go get her or-"
"Leave her" Zak said.
"Why?" Kris asked, clearly not in agreement with Zak.
"They don't know." Zak said. I looked at him with a questioning look on my face. I don't understand what he's trying to say. "Ben, Luke, Ella" Zak began listing names. "They don't know Rhys cheated. They're not going to keep checking she's okay. They won't be thinking the same way that you 2 are" Zak explained. He has a point, but that didn't make the sickly feeling of guilt in my stomach go away. "Kris, you've got her stuff, and her car keys." Zak said. "I don't believe for a second
she's going to be gone very long when Alicia's here with us."
I don’t think that’s a good idea and by the look on his face Kris doesn’t either. Zak could see this and continued on, “Lorna, you’ve just said that Gaby’s got a lot going on. Don’t you think she deserves this one night off?”
Yes, okay, he has a point but I need to talk to her explain properly, that I didn’t mean to be such a bitch. Kris and I both looked to each other and then in unison looked at Zak in agreement. She needs this one night out with her friends.
“Do you and your daddy want to stay for lunch?” Zak asked, while looking at Alicia. I guess Kris must’ve been away in his head because it took him quite a while to answer.
“If that’s alright” Kris said, shocked at the fact that Zak had offered. They’re being civil.
“I don’t know what I’ve got in” Zak said, standing up. Alicia looked alarmed at the fact he no longer wanted to play. Her bottom lip started to quiver as he turned away.
“Zak!” Kris and I both said at the same time both trying to stop a drama. He turned instantly, looked at Alicia and laughed slightly before picking her up and taking her to the kitchen with him.
“Did you bring food for Alicia?” I asked, and panic appeared across Kris’s face.
“I am the world’s worst dad” He said.
“Don’t be daft!” I said, “Alicia loves you!”
“I remembered nappies, I remembered wipes, I remembered toys, a bottle, everything else but some food!” He said. “What time is it?”
“Around half 12” I answered looking at my watch.
“I’ll go back to Gaby’s for lunch” He said.
“Don’t be stupid” I said. “Just stay here. It’ll save you worrying” And save my thoughts driving me wild as well.
“Thank you, it’s not going to stop me though”
“Do you want me to run over and grab Alicia some food?”
Kris shook his head in reply. “Zak’s just being civil. It’d be very awkward if you left”
I sighed. “I hate that I caused this! You two were-“ I started.
“Wasn’t just you” He muttered, quietly as he noticed Zak coming out of the kitchen.
“I’ve got toast?” Zak offered. “With a variety of toppings: jam, butter, beans, spaghetti hoops, cheese?” Zak laughed. I’m surprised he’s not suggesting we go to McDonalds or KFC.
“Sounds good” Kris said. “I need to run across to Gaby’s to get Alicia something to eat”
“She’s staying here though right?” Zak asked. Kris laughed.
“She can stay” He smiled. “I’ll be back in 5” He said, turning and heading out of the flat.
“Your daddy’s silly isn’t he Alicia??” Zak said, sitting her down on the floor and starting to play with her again. Putting me through even more torture …


It had taken Kris less than 15 minutes to get back to Zak’s. Then he managed to feed Alicia no problem before I started making lunch for Kris, Zak and I. Alicia was lying on the floor watching Lady and the tramp with Zak. Yeah, she’s 5 and a half months old doesn’t understand it but it was keeping her entertained for now. Zak’s so mesmerised by her it’s adorable. I had to offer to make lunch. I couldn’t watch them any longer. It kills. He’s torturing me without even realising it. I mean, Zak’s just being cute and playing with Alicia. He loves her and she loves him too but he doesn’t get how much it hurts me. He loves kids. He couldn’t be more obvious so why is he encouraging me to get a hysterectomy? Does he not realise that makes us never able to have our own child?! I think about this practically every day but yet every single time we try to have a serious conversation about it, it turns into a fight. I was stood there in the kitchen staring at the toaster, just waiting for the toast to pop up. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it. It’s just that it makes people so uncomfortable. Claire just goes awkward when we talk about it, well I say talk about it when it should be talked. She only brought it up once but even by the tone of her voice I could tell that she pitied me. I don’t want that! I don’t want that at all. I hate young immature me, it was all I went on about when I was younger as silly as that sounds. “I want to get married and have babies”. No wonder two of my boyfriend’s went off with my sister. It’s not that I want it now but I want it someday. I want to know that it’s possible. I shook my head at myself. I’m just replaying the same thoughts I have every single time I let myself think.
I heard Alicia laugh loudly from the livingroom and I couldn’t help but smile. She is such an adorable little girl. My mind drifted to Gaby, hoping that she was still at the CSU. Butterflies erupted in my stomach when I thought about speaking to her, or rather her shouting at me. From what Kris said, I could tell she was angry. Of course she was. I let her down. I watched Alicia and Zak through the kitchen doorway. What if Gaby completely loses it at me and we fall out. I need her right now. I want to talk to her about all this crap and I can’t because all she’s going to think is that I’m the lying bitch who keeps secrets from her. She’s not going to understand. Kris sort of understands but Gaby never will. Again, the guilt returned and I felt sick yet again.
“Do you want a hand?” Kris asked walking into the kitchen. I jumped slightly at the sound of his voice.
“I’m okay thanks” I said.
“Are you sure?” He asked, “Looking after Alicia’s covered” He smiled, looking through at Zak and Alicia. The toast popped up out of the toaster and I grabbed it and put it onto the plate I had already set out. This was for Kris. He just wanted butter on his. I lifted the knife I had already sat out and began to spread the butter over the toast. I then sliced the bits in half and handed it to him.
“Thanks” He smiled, sitting the plate down on the work top and lifted one of the slices. He took a bite as I put the next 2 bits of bread into the toaster. I turned and walked through into the living room.
“What do you want on your toast?” I asked.
“Spaghetti hoops!” Zak replied enthusiastically.
“You’re such a child!”
“Look who’s talking!” He said smugly and I smiled. Alicia looked up at me and smiled and I smiled back.
“Are you having fun with Zak, Alicia?” I asked her.
“Aaaa” She said, her little face lightening up.
“I’ll take that as a yes!” I smiled. “What have you still got your bib on for?” I asked, bending down to take it off of her. It had Minnie Mouse on the front of it just like her jeans.
“Who’s this?” I asked her and she looked at it. “It’s Minnie Mouse!” I smiled. I was now down on my knees talking to her. I heard the toaster pop up and stood up instantly.
“Aunty Lorna’s going to make me some spaghetti hoops!” Zak told Alicia. “Spaghetti hoops are yummy!” I rolled my eyes at him as I walked back into the kitchen. Something he had said had stuck in my mind. Aunty Lorna, I doubt Gaby’s going to be happy with Alicia thinking of me as that any longer. Guilt and regret were taking over. I went back to sorting Zak’s lunch.
“Bet you’re loving that!” Kris laughed. God, I’d forgotten he was there.
“What?” I asked, clueless.
“’Guys looking after kids is one of the cutest things ever!’” Kris said, quoting me. I quickly faked a smile.
“Lorna, What’s up?” He asked quickly.
“What?” I asked, sorting the microwave for Zak’s spaghetti hoops. Kris just stood there looking at me judgementally. “You don’t want to hear it”
“Oh, I do” He said, I watched the time counting down on the microwave.
“I hate it” I muttered.
“What?” He asked, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. I looked at Zak and Alicia out of the kitchen door. “Oh” He said, understanding. “Wait what?”
“Kris I can’t have kids.” I said. “It’s torture.” I said, watching them. “I see Zak with her and it just makes me think about him being a dad and how-“ I said, my eyes began to sting. No. I’m not doing this.
“Lorna” Kris sighed sympathetically. Clearly regretting his original question. He stuck his arms out to give me a hug but I shook my head.
“Don’t think Zak would be too happy with that” I laughed, tearfully.
“Have the doctors given you a definite no?” Kris asked, in a hushed tone.
I shook my head. “Not a definite one. I’ve to go for tests. Then depending on the results of the test they may want me to get a hysterect-“ I stopped. My voice breaking halfway through the word. I can’t cry. I can’t cry. I don’t want Zak seeing my upset. “It’s my choice obviously but Zak’s pushing me toward it and I just –“ I said. I took a deep breathe. “I can’t do it. Every time we try to talk about it, it just turns into a fight.”
“When do you have to go back to the doctors?” He asked.
“On Tuesday” I replied. “I’m scared” I muttered.
“Is Zak coming with you?” He asked. I just nodded in return. The microwave beeped and I went over to sort it. I poured the spaghetti hoops onto Zak’s toast and just looked at it for a few seconds.
“Can you tell-?” I began but Kris guessed what I was going to say and he nodded. I really ought to invest in some waterproof mascara. “Would you mind taking this through to him?” I asked. “I don’t want him worrying, even more than he already does” I said, rolling my eyes.
“Sure” Kris said, taking the plate from my hand.
“Kris” I paused. “Don’t tell anyone, please” I muttered. “About going to the hospital, hysterectomy’s or anything. Please.”
Kris shook his head. “Of course not”

----

“Bed time” Zak said midway through a yawn, my eyes flickered open as Zak began to sit up and I fell off of his chest.
“Crap. I told Archie I was going back to ha-“ I paused to yawn. “Halls”
“It’s a bit late now” He said, looking at the clock. It’s half 1. I must’ve been asleep already! “Just stay”
“Okay” I smiled, laughing in my head about how little encouragement it took. I stood up off of the couch and saw Alicia’s book on the floor. Kris had left at around 3 this afternoon, thinking that Gaby might’ve been back. She wasn’t. He had text me since. I bent down and picked it up and sat it on the couch so I remembered to take it back tomorrow. I followed Zak through into his room and began getting undressed. I moved over to the drawer in Zak’s room that was filled with random stuff of mine.
“I don’t have any jammies” I said, sleepily. “I took them back to halls last night” The next thing I know there was a red flash and I stuck my hands out to catch Zak’s Liverpool shirt that had been thrown at me. I smiled. I love this shirt. I used to wear it a lot when Zak and me first started being scooney. I quickly put it on and climbed into bed. Zak followed in shortly afterwards. I wrapped the cover around me and snuggled in.
“Night Night” Zak whispered. “Love you!”
“Love you too” I mumbled sleepily. I felt my eyelids become heavier and heavier. I rolled over in the bed. My eyes opened.
“Zak?” I asked, checking that he wasn’t asleep already. I wish I could do that!
“Yeah?” He asked, sleepily.
“Did you hear that?” I said, wondering if I had imagined the noise of the door being chapped.
“What?”
“Oh” I said, realising he hadn’t heard it as well. I shut my eyes and rolled over again . My eyes popped open as this time it was a definite bang.
“I heard that” Zak said, sitting up and switching the light on. I blinked repetitively as my eyes adjusted to the light. I stood up off of the bed and walked through into the hall, switching the light in the sitting room on. Zak followed close behind me, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Yet again the door was banged.
“Wait a minute” Zak said, clearly annoyed at whoever was at the door. I turned the key and slowly opened the door. Gaby was stood there. In the exact same clothes I had seen her in this morning. I couldn’t tell if she had been back to her flat or not. I’m sure Kris would’ve texted me.
“Why didn’t you tell me” She muttered tearfully, her voice thick. She stood there in Zak’s doorway looking completely broken and my stomach gave a painful squeeze. I’d helped cause this.

Gaby's POV

“Lighten up, come on!” Ella nudged me and smiled, picking up her pint of bear and taking a sip. I tried to smile back but it was just too hard. I hadn’t told anyone here what had happened. I don’t want them to know. I’m here because these are the only people who won’t look down on me with judgemental eyes. They won’t keep begging me to tell them how I’m really feeling.
“You look depressed.” Ben noted as he took a seat next to me. We were all in the CSU gathered around the small table that sat next to the pool table.
“Nah, I’m fine” I said, smiling as best I could. It seemed to work.
“As long as you’re sure...” He looked at me with slightly narrowed eyes. “So,” He leaned closer, his elbows resting on the table. “I haven’t heard from Natalie recently.”
My stomach dropped.
“Oh God, have you not got over that crush yet?” Sam laughed as she walked to pick up her pool cue.
“Hey, look. She’s hot okay?” Ben defended himself. I could feel tears pricking my eyes so I turned my head away. “Anyway, it got really close between us then suddenly – she left.”
“Maybe you smelt bad.” Ella mumbled in between her hiccoughs.
“Ha. Very funny.”
“Wasn’t a joke.” She replied, closing her eyes. There was a silence where I managed to control my emotions.
“Is she in halls now?” Ben turned and asked me.
“How the hell should I know?” I snapped, worse than I meant to. Ben flinched back.
“Sorry, I thought you were friends.”
“We were.”
“Is something wrong?” Luke spoke for the first time in a while.
“No.” I replied, standing up. I looked at the clock. It was just passed midnight. I’d been gone a very long time, and my phone hadn’t been on once. Kris will be going insane. It worried me thinking about what would happen tonight. Thinking about how much we’ll argue and what he’ll decide. He might threaten to take Alicia. He might not even be in...
“Where are you going?” Ben asked quickly, looking quite upset.
“It’s later than I thought, I need to get back.”
Before anyone could reply, a guy walked towards us all and stood next to Luke. He had extremely short, black hair. A tattoo of a very spikey shape going across his neck and onto his left cheek. His ears were covered in piercings, his lobes stretched massively. All of his clothes were black. Jet black.
“Alright mate?” Luke spoke to the guy without looking at him.
“I need some cash. I’ll pay you back tomorrow.” The man replied, his voice rough and deep.
Luke shrugged, “I haven’t got any. Just spent my last penny on this.” He raised his beer to the guy.
“Damn it.” The man seemed extremely angry about this. “Are you sure you’ve got nothing?”
“Yes, Arrow, I’m sure.” Luke nodded. “Sorry mate.”
The man, Arrow I think Luke called him, nodded sadly and then looked around at all of us. I noticed Ella and Sam refrained from looking him in the eye. Ben had sort of leaned in between myself and him.
“Who’s this then?” Arrow mumbled, looking at me.
“Gaby.” Luke answered, “Our old flat mate.”
“Nice.” Arrow folded his arms together and looked me up and down. I was still stood up to leave. “Very nice.”
“She’s just going.” Luke said firmly, looking at me.
“Too bad.”
“Is it?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.
“Well yeah, I like meeting new people.” He said, sniffing. “Maybe another time. See you later, mate.” He patted Luke on the shoulder and walked out the door to the beer garden.
“Who was that?” I asked Luke as soon as he’d gone.
“Arrow.”
“Arrow?”
“Yeah, well his real names Aaron. But everyone calls him Arrow. He’s just... a bad guy I guess.” Luke explained, shrugging. “You don’t want to get involved with him. It’s bad enough I did.”
“Why did you?”
“Because we were old friends. He was quite bad then, but now he’s gone to the extreme.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, intrigued. Everyone else had gone back to playing pool. It was just me, standing prepared to leave, and Luke who was sitting comfortably in his chair.
“He does a lot of drugs. The hard kind, like heroin and cocaine. And if he’s ever having a cigarette I guarantee it has some weed in it.”
I stared into space a little bit.
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh. Just don’t talk to the guy, okay?”
“Sure, yeah okay.” I nodded. “Anyway, I’m gonna go. I’ll see you soon.”
“Bye.” He smiled and waved at me. I waved to the others and walked out.

It didn’t take me long to find him. Arrow was stood in an alley way, leaning up against the wall with a fag in his hand.
“Hey cutey.” He winked as I got closer to him. “Shouldn’t walk alone at night, could be bad guys around.”
“Like you?” I said without even thinking. He took a drag, dropped the cigarette and stomped on it. Then he smiled and stepped closer to me.
“Yeah, like me.” He got closer still.
“What’ve you got?” I asked, before he did anything. He retreated.
“What do you want?” He seemed curious, looking at me like I was the last person he expected to deal to.
“Nothing too much. Something fun.” I suggested, this time I took a step towards him. He took a step back so he was against the wall. Without speaking, he pulled out what looked like a home made cigarette and lit it, before taking a drag and passing it to me.
“This is fun.” He said, and without even thinking I put it to my mouth and took a deep breath in. It felt extremely harsh on my chest, but it was good at the same time. I exhaled and smoke blew everywhere.
“Have more.” Arrow insisted. So I did it again. And again. Until suddenly the world was spinning and I was finding it difficult to focus on anything. Nothing seemed to matter. I smiled, then I giggled.
“Good, right?”
“Mm, I like it.” I bit my lip. “This is good.”
“Do you want more?”
I nodded my head.
“This is on me for now.” Arrow insisted, putting a small plastic bag in my hand. I didn’t look at what was inside it, I just put it in my hand bag.
“Thanks.” I started to walk away.
“Hey, Gaby?”
I turned back to him.
“I will be seeing you.”
I smiled and walked away, towards my home.

-

Lorna and Zak were staring at me looking worried. I stood in their door way, waiting for her to answer me. To explain everything that was going on. When she still said nothing I took a step closer. There were no tears left. There wasn’t even any pure emotion. Right now all I wanted was answers.
“Well?” I said loudly, causing Lorna to jump a little. She was stood in her weird Toy Story pyjamas looking like she was about to burst into tears. I wanted to laugh out loud.
“Does Kris know you’re here?” Zak asked quietly, probably trying not to upset me.
“No?” I looked at him. “Why the hell would I bother to tell him? He doesn’t own me.”
Zak just nodded at me, still looking hesitant. Lorna was crying now, staring into space and thinking.
“Answer my question.” I demanded, forcing her to look at me. She opened her mouth wordlessly, then closed it again. I walked up to her and grabbed her arm.
“Answer me now, you bitch!”
My hand was tight around her wrist, I could feel her squirming to get out of my grip but I didn’t care. I wanted to know why. Why my supposedly best friend had known about the secret affair my boyfriend and flatmate had been having and hadn’t told me.
“Gaby, you’re hurting me.” Lorna said through gritted teeth. Zak put a hand on my shoulder, warning me.
I let go. She rubbed her wrist with the other hand, starting to cry more.
“What have you taken?” Zak asked me, his eyes narrowed. He looked extremely worried now.
“Nothing, why?” I lied, but I was so frustrated I don’t think he noticed.
“You’re high.” He said, pulling Lorna back a little bit like it was contagious.
“No I’m not.”
“Yes you are. Your eyes are blood shot, you’re unstable, you stink of weed...”
“I’m not high.” I shouted, and this was true. Being high is when you’re careless and feel free. I’m so trapped it’s untrue.
“Don’t be so reckless.” Lorna mumbled, looking angry now.
“Shut up.”
“You have a daughter, you idiot! Or are you forgetting that? It’s bad enough you’ve clearly been hurt and aren’t telling anyone.” She pointed towards my wrists, black and bruised from when Kris grabbed me.
“Wow, okay. Kris did that to me. Happy now? You see why I didn’t tell you? Precious little Kris hurt precious little Gaby.” I glared at her. She shook her head.
“You need to stop lying.”
I laughed, smiling at the ground.
“Guess I’m the boy who cried wolf now, huh?”
I turned to leave.
“Hold on.” Zak grabbed my shoulder. I turned to face him. Lorna had already taken a few steps back. “Why don’t you stay here tonight? I think it would be better for-”
“I wouldn’t stay here if you paid me.” I snapped, looking at Lorna then back at Zak. “I’m leaving.”
“But-”
I didn’t bother listening. I opened the door and slammed it closed behind me, carefully running down the stairs and out into the freezing cold. It was snowing again, making the ground crunch underneath my feet. I realised now that it’s New Years Eve. This time, tomorrow evening, I’ll have entered a brand new year.
I can’t tell if this is good or not.

Lorna's POV

"Are we going to talk about what happened last night?" Zak questioned as he started pouring out a glass of orange juice for each of us.
"She was high" I said matter of factly as I put the milk back in the fridge.
"You're making it sound like you don't think that being high is that much of a big deal?" Zak said, clearly annoyed with the way I was acting.
"It could be so much worse!" I started making excuses for Gaby.
"How?"
"Well weed isn't the most addictive drug ever? Everyone does it!"
"What?"
"I know loads of people who've done it once. Just to try it and never touched the stuff again." I said. "We're in uni! People do stuff like that!"
"Have you smoked weed?" Zak asked seriously.
"No!" I said quickly as though it were ridiculous. "I've never even tried a cigarette. I'd never even think about trying it"
"Exactly! So why are you trying to make excuses for Gaby?" Zak said. I had no words. "it's not something people should do! Especially Gaby"
"What do you mean by that?" I asked defensively.
"Well let’s look at what Gaby's gone through in the past year,"
"That doesn't mean she's going to start doing drugs!"
"Doesn't it? How do you know this won't be what she does from now on instead of cutting herself"
"You're jumping to conclusions!"
"I'm not. I'm trying to explain to you that this is dangerous!"
"It’ll be a one time thing! She was at the SU! What's to say that Ben and everyone weren't doing it as well? And that Gaby didn't just give in to peer pressure!”
"Gaby has a kid! Yeah, okay weed isn't the worst drug ever! The punishment is usually a fine but Gaby is a young single mum!" Zak started. "if she got caught-" he stopped and began shaking his head. "how do you think Gaby would react if they started questioning whether she was a fit enough mother?"
"Gaby's a brilliant mum!" I said, automatically jumping to Gaby's defence. "She would do anything for Alicia"
"Yeah but social services won't see it like that! They'll see that she’s been fined for the possession of cannabis, they'll see that she's been to hospital with "dehydration", they'll see her medical records so they'd know about her anorexia and her relapse! Lorna, if she got caught doing stuff like that it would be the worst thing possible"
Silence.
I had no response. I don't even want to even consider that to be a possibility. How could Gaby be so stupid? I watched Zak eating his coco pops. His facial expressions changing along with the thoughts running through his head.
"I think you should go over there today."
"Is that a good idea?" Zak said with a mouthful of coco pops. How attractive!
"Well you're one of her closest friends"
"So are you"
"Not anymore" I sighed. She was high. If she'd found out when she was pregnant she definitely wouldn't have done that. "She'll assume you knew as well. You need to go over and tell her she's wrong. She needs to understand that you didn't betray her like Rhys and Natalie" I gulped, "or me."
"Why don’t you come over as well"
"That won't help anything" I said. Zak said nothing.
Zak didn’t say anything instead he munched another mouthful of cocopops.
"What are you going to do?" He laughed, slightly.
I laughed. "You make it sound like I'm incapable of amusing myself."
"Well!" Zak began and I gave him a disapproving look. "you're always here"
"Well I'll go to halls!” I said. Instantly dreading it. I hadn't spoken to Rhys or Natalie since just after Gaby found out.
"What's Archie doing for New Years?" Zak asked.
"It's New Years Eve!" I said in shock. I hadn’t even realised.
"It is so" Zak said.
"I hadn't even realised." I said. "I don't know what Archie's doing"
"What are we doing?" Zak asked.
"I don't know. What do you want to do?"
"I don't know. What do you want to do?" He mimicked.
"I want to go back to this time last year and change everything" I sighed, swirling my cereal about in the bowl rather than eating it. Back then we had absolutely no clue all the horrible things that would happen this year.
"Next year will be bet-"
"Don’t!" I stopped him. "I remember you saying this to me this time last year when I was sad about Becky and let's face it the past year has been awful"
"What happened happened and as much as it hurts we can't change it." Zak said moving closer. "We've got to look at the positive things and look forward to next year"
"What have we got to look forward to?" I asked. I could honestly think of nothing! All that I could think of that was happening this year was that dreaded hospital appointment that was just getting closer and closer.
"Well" Zak started, "you eventually admitting defeat and moving your stuff in!” He said causing me to sigh and roll my eyes. “Julie’s wedding! You like weddings! Erm” He paused thinking of something else to say “We’re going to see Russell!” I smiled excitedly. “That film with Channing what’s his face in it is out soon! My birthday!” He continued his list. “Us going on holiday!"
"Oh and when did we decide this?" I interrupted.
"Right now!" Zak smirked. "Tenerife or somewhere like that"
"Ooh" I said, "And who would be coming on this holiday?"
"Just you and me!" he said. "And it will be amazing! I can picture it now, you lying there on the beach in a lovely red bikini" he said, closing his eyes and smiling a daft smile. I smiled then slapped his arm. "Sorry. Yeah, you lying on the beach reading one of them Nicholas Sparks books in the sun while I admire all the other girls in bikinis!" I slapped his arm again. "Sorry I mean” He paused, “build lots of sandcastles"
I laughed. "We have to do this!" I said enthusiastically.
"I'm serious!" Zak said. "And we could go back to the room after a day at the-"
"Waterpark!" I interrupted again.
"Yeah! And then go for a shower and get all dressed up then go out for dinner then on the walk back to the hotel we could"
"Take a walk along the beach!" I said.
"Yeah! And then once were back in the hotel room...." Zak said as he took my hand and spun me round before kissing me passionately.
How perfect does that sound! Away from here, away from everything with my lovely boyfriend.
Ring Ring, Ring Ring
The real worlds still out there.
We broke apart and Zak went to answer his phone.
"Yeah, she's here" Zak said. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Who is it? "Sure. Why didn't you just phone her phone?" he asked before holding out his phone to me. I looked at him in confusion. Archie, he mouthed.
"Sup?" I asked into the phone. I hadn’t seen my own phone since Kris texted last night to say that Gaby was home. He didn’t say anything about her being high. He said nothing about what she said just “She’s home.”.
"I need you to do something for me"
“Okaaay” I said, elongating the word. Why me?
“You have to promise not to laugh”
“I promise”
“And you can’t tell Zak”
“Right” I said, knowing in my head I most probably will.
“Okay. Leave the kitchen.” Archie said.
“How do you know I’m in the kitchen?” I asked, looking around stupidly thinking that Archie was able to see me.
“I can hear dishes being washed” Archie explained, as I walked through into Zak’s room and perched myself on the end of the bed.
“I’m through in Zak’s bedroom” I said, quietly. I don’t know why I’m whispering, Zak had already switched on music in the kitchen.
“Are you sure you won’t tell anyone?”
“Yes” I said, wishing he would just tell me.
“I need you” He paused awkwardly, clearing unwilling to finish the sentence. “to come to the dentist with me?” He finished, sounding so uncomfortable. I bit my lip to stop myself from laughing. Awwwwww, Archie’s scared of the dentist!!
“Okay” I said, trying not to sound amused. “When?”
“Today at 11”
“And where will I meet you?”
“Mobs at half 10?”
“Okay” I said cheerfully.
“Thanks” Archie said, genuinely sounding grateful. “I couldn’t take Zak that’d just be awkward, Same with Kris. Natalie’s disappeared, Gaby’s got her own issues”
“Are you trying to tell me I was your last choice?!” I said, pretending to be hurt. It didn’t surprise me. Archie and me aren’t that close.
“No” He replied, obviously lying.
“Who went with you last time?” I asked curiously.
“Zo” He said. “She’s always gone with me. We helped each other through it” He laughed sadly. “I’ll see you at half 10” He said quickly and the line went dead. Poor Archie.
I stood up off of Zak’s bed and plodded through into the kitchen and started eating my cereal. Zak looked at me expectantly.
“What was that all about?”
“Archie’s scared of the dentist”
Zak smirked.
“Don’t!” I said defensively. “Everybody’s scared of something!”
“I’m not!” He said smugly.
“Yeah! Just you act hard!” I laughed, knowing fine well what he’s scared of. Weirdo.
“Anyway you’re not meant to know!” I said. “So don’t tease him about it.” I explained. “But I don’t really know what he expects me to tell you we are doing today!”
“Shopping for my birthday?” Zak smiled.
“Christmas was like 5 days ago!” I said. “6” I corrected myself.
“It’s still only 25 days away!”
“You’re such a kid!” I laughed. I’m such a hypocrite! “Okay” I smiled, “Zak, I’m going into town today with Archie, we’re going shopping for your birthday so you can’t come”
“Aww” He replied disappointedly. I smiled.
“What time are you meeting him at?” Zak asked, looking at the clock on the oven.
“Half 10” I said. “Oh crap!” I said, realising it was already quarter to 10.
“Please” I begged, as I held my plate out in front of Zak, hoping he would wash it for me. “I love you!” I smiled. He sighed and took it off me. “You’re the best!” I beamed, kissing him on the cheek and quickly going through to the bathroom to get ready.


“What can I get Zak for his birthday?” I asked Archie as we walked along the street passed all the shops. Archie looked at me with a confused expression. “Yeah, it’s not for a few weeks but that’s what I told him we were doing today” I explained. “Shopping for his birthday, and it’s just got me thinking, I don’t know what to get him!”
“You can get sexy underwear!” Archie suggested pointing to Ann Summers.
“What a sensible suggestion!” I said sarcastically.
“That is sensible!” Archie smirked. “Zak would love it! And as I’m such a good friend, you could go try some on after we’ve been to the dentist!”
“I don’t think so somehow” I laughed. “Where is this dentist?” I asked. I feel like we’ve been walking forever. I don’t think I’ve ever been near this end Chester. Archie could honestly be taking me anywhere.
“Just round the corner” He said. “Don’t you go to this one?”
“I’m not registered with any dentists here” I said. “I should be but I’m not”
“My mum made me” Archie sighed.
“Awww!” I said patronisingly.
“It’s here” Archie said, stopping on the pavement. I grabbed his arm.
“C’mon it’s only a check up!” I said, pulling him along behind me. I seriously have never understood people with a fear of the dentist.
“You can do this!!” I said, confidently. “I used to love my dentist!”.
Archie laughed. “Not like that!” I said. “He was my dad’s friend!” I explained, completely grossed out that Archie thought that. “You would have no problem if you had a women dentist!”
“Only if she was fit!” Archie said.
“Well she is!” I said, “What’s to say” I paused and read the sign outside of the dentist, “Katie Thomson” I read the only female name off of the list of dentists in that practice. “Isn’t going to be the person who is seeing to you today? And that she doesn’t look like a supermodel. With long perfect legs that she shows off with her short skirts and then wears low cut tops which means you’ll get a good look while she’s checking your teeth!” I said. Repulsed at myself for what I was saying but if it makes Archie go into that dentist! He moved forward and opened the door.
“You better be right!” He laughed awkwardly. He stood there with the door open.
“Well the sooner you get in there the sooner you get out!” I said, gesturing him to go through first.
“Okay” He sighed, and walked into the dentist reluctantly, trailing his feet behind him.

“And now you don’t need to go back until July!” I stated, smiling.
“It wasn’t that bad!”
“Seee!” I laughed. Completely unaware of why he’d asked me to come with him in the first place. He was fine!
“While I was in the chair I just thought about ideas for Zak’s birthday!” He said. “It was a good distraction.”
“Oh” I said. “What were they?”
“I could take Zak on a lad’s weekend away?” He said.
“NO!!” I said quickly. I can picture it now. Zak and Archie in a room surrounded slim girls with big chests and stunning long tanned legs …
“I know it’d be hard to get Kris or Elliot to come with us but Cameron would come! And I’d get some of my mates from lectures!” He said. “It’d be such a good laugh!”
“No.” I said. “I don’t think that’s a good idea!”
“It’s not like Zak would cheat on you!” Archie said. “He’ll behave! He’s not you!” He cackled. It stung. It hurt me that as much as I wanted, what Kris and I would never be forgotten by anyone. I couldn’t even think of a response.
“Still to soon for jokes then” Archie laughed awkwardly.
“It’ll always be too soon for jokes” I muttered harshly, watching my feet as I walked instead of looking at Archie. We continued to walk back towards the bus station, the noise of our steps filling the awkward silence.
“You should get pole dancing lessons!” Archie suggested happily. Please don’t tell me that’s what he was thinking about when he was in the dentist?!
“I’ve done – “ I stopped, realising what I was saying.
“WHAT?!” Archie said, his eyes open wide and a grin appearing across his face.
“Nothing.” I said quickly. He was silent. I look at his face which had a dazed expression. I’m glad I can’t see what he’s imagining right now. I sighed, knowing he was going to be filled of questions.
“Before you go crazy with questions, No, I didn’t do it in a club or for money!” I said, choosing my words carefully. “It was a joke birthday present. There was a class at the community centre so I went a few times! It was a good laugh.” I explained quickly.
“A class at the community centre?” Archie asked in disbelief.
“Yeah” I said. “Pole Dancing is meant to be a really good form of exercise!”
“Sure” Archie laughed.
“Can I go into Thomas Cook quickly?” I asked, not waiting for an answer and walking straight inside, hoping that Archie would stop talking about pole dancing when we were so close to people.
“You just came in here so I’d shut up!” Archie said, following me into the travel agents. Not completely, I wanted to get brochures!
“Not exactly” I said, looking at the brochures on the shelves and picking up a few.
“What are you doing?”
“I want to go on holiday!” I said cheerfully.
“What?” Archie asked. “When?”
“Whenever is cheapest!” I smiled, picking up more brochures.
“Is now really the right time to go on holiday?” Archie asked, sounding rather annoyed at me.
“What?” I asked.
“Well, you’re being rather selfish.”
“Pardon?” I asked.
“Well your best friend has just discovered that her boyfriend – who she’s been with for over a year – has cheated on her!” Archie began. “having a full blown affair behind her back! With one of her friends!” He continued. “She even found out that her best friend – you! – knew about it and didn’t tell her! And instead of trying to help her through it you’re wanting to run away”
“You mean my best friend who came to my boyfriend’s flat this morning in the early hours?” I asked. “the one who was drugged up to her eyeballs, while Kris was at home looking after their daughter!” I explained, making it clear how angry it made me.
“Excuse me?” A woman who worked in the travel agents interrupted. “Can I help you with anything?” She asked with a fake smile. Although her mouth was smiling, her eyes were telling us politely as possible to go outside and shout at each other instead of in their shop.
“No, Thank you” I said turning on my heel and walking out of the shop with the brochures I’d picked up. Archie followed.
“What do you mean drugged up to her eyeballs?!” Archie asked.
“She was high” I stated.
“Gaby wouldn’t do that!” He said confidently, making it clear he didn't believe me at all but how could I make that up?!
“I meant what I said, she was high” I repeated. Gaby will probably hate me even more for telling Archie but no more secrets and no more lies. I think this should be my new years resolution.
“But-“ Archie began but didn’t finish.
“But what?”
“How can you be sure?”
“Well I can’t be sure but-“
“Don’t start rumours then!” He snapped.
“For gods sake Archie I know what someone looks and acts like when they’re high! And Gaby satisfied all the criteria!!” I said.
“What does this mean?” He asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Well where did she get it from?”
“How am I meant to know?” I asked, rather snidely. I took a seat on a bench, since this really wasn’t the conversation to be having while walking down the street. I don’t even think it’s the sort of conversation to be having in the middle of town either but oh well.
“What happened?”
“She started banging on the door at like half 1 and Zak and I got up, went through opened the door and she started demanding reasons why I didn’t tell her. I didn’t answer so she started grabbing my wrists” I explained. “Then Zak realised that she was high and when he said that, I realised she was stinking of weed! It wasn't like she was high like people are on the TV where they're just mental and funny. She was scary and she said Kris was the reason for her hurting her wrists” I explained, remembering new details as i went along. There is no way Kris would do that to her!! No way at all.
“Oh” was all that Archie could manage. I took my phone out of my pocket, still nothing from Zak or Kris. It was half 12 now so Zak would definitely be over there. I don’t know how Gaby would react to him being there. I don’t know whether she’ll believe him when he explained he didn’t know either. I want to know. I want to be there but instead I’m here in Chester with Archie. Maybe he does have a point. I am selfish. I’m desperate to go on holiday to get away from here just like I didn’t go round to Gaby’s today. I’m just chickening out and avoiding her completely.
“I don’t’ understand why she would do that. Obviously I understand that she’s angry but why would she do weed. How does that fix anything?” I said. “It just makes things worse. Gaby has Alicia to worry about.”
“I guess she just doesn’t think.”
“Yeah…”

It was around 3 o’clock by the time we got back to halls. Archie ended up going clothes shopping in the sales. I checked my phone again for the 100th time to see that I still had no messages from Zak or Kris. My head kept coming up with so many different scenarios of what had happened. I think, Zak will phone me when he leaves so he must still be with Gaby. Right? They can’t have had a fight or Zak would’ve definitely phoned for a rant. He would’ve texted me if that were the case right? He would’ve. It’s Zak of course he would’ve.
“Do you want a drink?” Archie asked.
I shook my head. “No thank you” I said, sitting down on the couch. “Do you think anyone else is in?”
“I doubt it.”
“I’m going to check.” I said, standing up. I started at the top of the corridor opening everyone’s bedroom doors; Rhys’, Natalie’s, Elliot’s, Cameron’s. Even though they weren’t back from home yet and it was unlikely they would be until closer to classes starting again.
It’s official no one was in. I went into my own bedroom and sat on the end of my bed. It’s pathetic how little time I spend here when it’s my own room that I pay for. Next year, I am going to stay here all the time and only sleep at Zak’s at weekends and I’m going to try my best to stick to that. That could be a new years resolution as well. Although, who actually sticks to those?!
I stood up off of my bed and walked back through into the livingroom and sat on the couch.
“So no ones in then?” Archie said, taking a sip of the cup of coffee he just made.
I nodded.
“I didn’t expect them to be. I haven’t seen either of them in days.”
I didn’t know what to say. I want this awkwardness to be over. I want to go back to normal so bad. If I could I would. Like I was saying to Zak this morning I would go back and do this year all over again. There are way too many things I want to change; the main 2 being not telling Gaby and sleeping with Kris. It’s amazing to think how different life would be. Maybe Kris and Gaby would be together, a happy little family with Alicia. I’d be pregnant right now if things had happened differently. Almost 6 months. I’d be huge! Wow.
It really is scary how different things would be.
I hate New Year.

Gaby's POV

I was awake.
I could feel the sun shining on my closed eyes, and a light breeze on my face. For a split second I thought I must be outside, and then I heard the faint cry of Alicia and I knew I wasn’t. My eyes opened and I found myself lying on my bed, still fully clothed from last night.
What happened last night?
I remembered being out with Ella and Ben and Luke... And that weird guy. What was his name? Spear or something? I didn’t even drink anything, so why can’t I remember?
I sat myself up, staring directly into the mirror opposite me. My hair was a mess. My make-up had smudged everywhere.
“What the hell?” I whispered to myself, but my voice came out hoarse. I tried clearly my throat and a weird taste made my tongue feel fuzzy. I walked into the bathroom, brushed my teeth and washed my face, then changed into more comfortable clothing. With every second that past another memory from last night flashed into my mind. His name wasn’t Spear, it was Arrow – a nickname for Aaron. I caught up with him after he left. I took something. I didn’t even ask what it was...

“There’s no formula left.”
I jumped out of my skin. Kris was standing behind me in the doorway to the bathroom. He wasn’t looking me directly in the eye. It was like he couldn’t. I paused before answering, choosing this time to tie my hair into a tight bun. What happened when I came home last night? Did I do, or say, something I’m going to regret?
I cleared my throat again, before answering. And again the weird taste burned my mouth.
“Do you want me to go buy some?” My voice still didn’t quite sound right.
Kris looked slightly taken aback. “I think maybe I should stay with Alicia – so yeah.”
I just nodded.
“I’ll go now.” I said, walking past him and out of the bathroom. I didn’t bother putting make-up on. I sprayed myself with deodorant, slipped some shoes on and grabbed a tenner off the side.
Alicia was lying on the floor in the sitting room, rattling a toy above her.
“Morning beautiful.” I said quietly. She turned her head in my direction and smiled at me. I smiled back and waved as I pulled a jacket on. I may not remember much from the previous night, but I’m almost certain there was still snow on the ground.
“I’ll be back soon.” I said, glancing at the clock for the first time. It wasn’t even 9 in the morning.
“Okay.” Kris replied, still not looking at me directly. I bit my lip, trying desperately hard to remember what had happened. After a few seconds of blank thought I left the flat.

-

Alicia was having her late morning nap in her cot, leaving me and Kris alone in the sitting room. It was worse than awkward. He was in control of the TV and I was lying on the sofa practically staring at him, and every time he caught me I looked away embarrassed. We hadn’t spoken since I came back with the formula. I was desperately trying to remember what happened last night, but my memory halts about five minutes after Arrow gave me the drugs. I am so surprised I managed to make it home. Chester is a good 45 minute walk away from Hollyoaks, and I know there weren’t any buses running. And I had no money to pay for a taxi.
The TV channel changed and in the brief silence that followed Kris caught me staring at him again. This time I didn’t bother looking away and neither did he. He sighed.
“You’re staring at me.” He stated the obvious.
“Sorry.” I apologised, looking away. “Actually, I’m not.” I said, looking back at him. He shook his head in a patronising way, something Kris would never do.
“I don’t know if this is going to sound dumb, but what did I do last night?” I finally asked, feeling a moments relief before realising that the answer could be extremely worrying.
“You cried.” Kris mumbled, his eyes not meeting mine again. “A lot.”
I paused. “Is that it?”
I almost felt like laughing. Is that the worst I did? After getting drugged up I came home and cried?
“You kept apologising to me, but I still haven’t figured out what for.” He said quietly. Still no memories flickered into my mind. Whatever it was that Arrow gave me sure isn’t good for memory.
“Right...” I said slowly.
“What were you on last night?” Kris asked, frowning at me. My heart picked up pace a little bit.
“What do you mean?”
“You smelt like smoke and, well, weed.”
I looked at the floor.
“Did you take something?” Kris asked.
“I met this guy. He’s friends with Luke.. And he was smoking something and I just wanted to try it.” I said, still looking at the floor.
“That was reckless.”
“I know.”
“What if it was something extremely dangerous? You didn’t even know the guy.”
“I know.”
“Was Luke smoking it too?”
“No, he had no idea I did. I caught up with the guy after he left.” I muttered quietly. I heard Kris sigh.
“This time yesterday I was thinking you were doing so much better, and now I feel like everything’s gone in reverse.”
“You’re forgetting that since then I’ve found out I wasn’t my boyfriend’s only girlfriend.” I said quietly. My eyes flickered onto Kris’ face and I saw guilt wash over him.
“I know and I’m sorry but-”

Three short taps on the door interrupted whatever he was about to say. I sat up and turned to look at the door. I don’t know why. It isn’t like I have x-ray vision.
“Please can you see who that is?” I asked Kris who was already standing up. He nodded as he walked towards the door. As he pulled it open I looked to see who it was but Kris was standing in the way.
“Hey.” Kris said quietly, stepping back and letting whoever it was in. My heart dropped when Zak walked through the door.
“What are you doing here?” I snapped at him. I almost felt rude, but then I realised he’d probably known about Rhys and Natalie for months without telling me. Whenever Lorna found out, Zak found out.
“I need to talk to you.” Zak replied, his eyebrows creasing a little bit. I glared at him.
“I have nothing to say to you.” I turned around and faced forwards so I couldn’t see him anymore.
“Look, I think you really scared Lorna last night.” Zak’s voice got closer to me. My blood ran cold. I span back around to face him.
“What?”
What had I done to Lorna?
The initial fear of me scaring her made me forget what she had done.
“When you came round last night. Look, I don’t blame you, but I need to talk to you.” Zak held his hands up, like I was the police checking he wasn’t a criminal. I looked at Kris. He seemed just as confused as I was.
“I went to yours last night...” I said quietly.
“Yes.” Zak said, still not realising I didn’t have a clue what was going on.
“And, er, what-” I cleared my throat and rose to my knees, leaning over the back of the sofa. “What was I, um, doing there?”
“I don’t know! You – don’t you remember?” His eyes screwed up a little bit, like this angered him.
“Sure I do!” I lied, my eyes wide.
“No you don’t!” Zak protested.
“She was high.” Kris said matter-of-factly, smirking at me. I bit my lip, feeling slightly ashamed of myself.
“I know that.” Zak said, now giving Kris an angry look. I looked at Zak in shock. “Are you not bothered?” He continued.
“Of course I am, but – well, you have to admit, the situation is kind of funny.” Kris was still smirking and I started to laugh.
“Are you high too?!” Zak shrieked at him. Alicia started to make noises in the other room.
“Oh Zak, look what you’ve done.” I said, annoyed now. She’d only been asleep about half an hour which means she’ll be grouchy for the rest of the day. I stood up to go sort her out.
“No, nuh-uh, not happening.” Zak said, holding a hand out to me. It looked like he was trying to stop me but there was a good 6 feet between us.
“Excuse me?”
“No, I don’t want you in there with Alicia.” He said, walking towards my bedroom where Alicia was now starting to cry.
“Why the hell not?!” I snapped, getting angry now. “You haven’t got a say in whether I look after my daughter or not!”
“I do when you’re being so irresponsible!”
I clenched my jaw and started rolling my sleeves up.
“That wasn’t a smart move.” Kris mumbled.
“I am not being irresponsible.” I hissed through my teeth.
“You were high!!”
“Oh what, and you’ve never been high before?!” I shrieked at him. Alicia was screaming now. I moved towards the door again but Zak was closer.
“I haven’t actually.” He answered, walking into my bedroom. I followed him. He picked Alicia up and held her close to him.
“Well then you wouldn’t know that it isn’t that bad.”
“Oh no? Then why is it illegal?” He shouted, not helping in the calming Alicia down fiasco. I held my hands out for her.
“Give her to me, Zak.”
“No.”
“Give her to me!” I shouted, my hand holding her tiny arm.
“No!”
“Zak hand her over.” Kris said, walking forwards. Zak passed Alicia to Kris instead of me. She instantly settled. I clenched my fist, turning my back on both of them.

“You can leave now.” I snapped at Zak. He shook his head.
“No way.”
“I do not want you here.” I informed him. “Of all the people I want to care about how irresponsible I am being, you are not one of them. You lied to me Zak! How long for? Did you know from the start? Was it some fun little game? Let’s see how long it takes for Gaby to figure it out! Well who won the fucking bet, Zak?!” I shoved him as I said the last part, having walked towards him throughout my little speech. He retreated a little bit.
“I found out when you did.” He snapped at me, staring me in the face like I was some kind of idiot.
“Don’t lie to me.”
“Honestly, I’m telling you the truth.”
“But Lorna knew.” I said quietly. If Lorna knew then Zak knew. It’s just common sense.
“Yes she did. For quite a long time.” That stung. “But she didn’t tell me.”
“Why wouldn’t she tell you?”
“I asked her the same thing.” He mumbled quietly. The room went silent. I stared at Zak and he stared at me. Then he looked down at my arms. “What really happened to your wrists?”
I looked at Kris, eyes wide. He wouldn’t make eye contact with me.
“Last night, you said..” Zak turned to Kris who refused to look at either of us. I looked down at my wrists myself. They were less black today, more purple. Still bad. Actually, if they weren’t my own wrists I’d recommend that whoever’s they were went to the doctor.
“You said Kris did it. But obviously it wasn’t.” Zak looked at me. I just stared at him, trying to make it clear that I wasn’t lying. Although, let’s be honest, I don’t remember if I really said that or not. Zak watched me for a moment, then looked at Kris.
“You two... are as bad as each other.” Zak said quietly. I took a deep breath.
“It’s not as bad as it looks.” I told Zak, but he shook his head.
“No, now it doesn’t look that bad. But the other day they looked broken, Gaby.” He faced Kris. “What the hell is wrong with you?” Zak squared up to him. I noticed Alicia, so small compared to the two men towering over her, and started to panic.
“Zak, just stand back okay. Alicia’s there and you’re scaring me.” I said, walking closer to them. I put a hand on Zak’s shoulder. He took a step back.
“I wasn’t going to do anything.” He reassured me. “You need to explain, Kris.”
“He doesn’t need to explain anything. I’m the only one that needs to understand what happened, and I do! So leave it.” I snapped.
“This is domestic abuse.”
I burst out laughing. Zak’s eyes widened.
“It is!”
“No it isn’t.” I said, still laughing. I sighed. “Do you want a cup of tea, Zak?” I asked, my mood lighter. I felt I really should be polite. This only seemed to confuse him though. It took him about thirty seconds to actually register what I said.
“Yeah. Okay.”
I nodded and headed through to the kitchen. I paused as I passed the fridge, glancing at the clock. It was nearly 12. I might as well make lunch for four, now Zak appears to be joining us...

-

We were all sat around the table. The table that, until this day, had never actually been used for anything except the time me and Kris couldn’t be bothered going through to the bedroom. Kris seemed to be remembering the same thing and he smirked at me. Alicia was back in her cot, somehow Kris had managed to get her to sleep again, and the rest of us were eating lunch. It wasn’t a very entertaining lunch. Cheese sandwiches and crisps. But it was good enough.
“What did I do last night?” I asked Zak as I munched on my salt and vinegar crisps. He swallowed his mouthful.
“You came round to mine at about half one. You were really angry, and you were grabbing Lorna really hard. And you said that thing about Kris, and – well – you got angry when we said you were lying. I see why now..” He looked at Kris.
“Did I hurt Lorna?”
“Yes.”
“Good.” I mumbled, taking a bite out of my sandwich.
“Gaby, she wanted to tell you.” Zak said, looking at me.
“Then why didn’t she?”
“Because she didn’t know how you would react. She was scared about what the information might do to you.” Zak supported her. I guess I wasn’t that surprised.
“How long did she know?” I asked quietly.
I looked at both Zak and Kris. They stared at each other, then looked at their plates. That was worrying.
“Oh my god, guys, how long?!”
Zak looked at me guiltily.
“Since May.”
My eyes went wider than they ever had before. My mouth opened in pure shock. My best friend had known for 7 months. That is more than half the time Rhys and Natalie had even been together.
“And you want me to forgive her?” I asked Zak, trying so hard to keep calm.
“Look, she thought they were over when she caught them. She didn’t think you needed to know. And then she found out they were back together, but you and Rhys broke up due to the whole you and Kris thing.”
“She didn’t think I needed to know?”
“That’s not what I meant. She thought it was better that you were happy. And you were happy. Alicia was coming, and Rhys was paying more attention to you..”
“Zak you’re digging a hole here.” I said shaking my head. Seven months is a very, very long time. I don’t think anything Lorna can ever say or do would make me forgive her for that. I put down my sandwich, having taken only one bite of it, and pushed the plate away. I rolled up my half eaten packet of crisps too. I suddenly felt very sick.
“You just need to hear her out.” Zak said. His eyes weren’t focussing on me, but at Kris who was staring at the plate I’d just pushed away. I pulled my legs up and sat cross-legged on the chair, trying to settle my stomach.
“I don’t want to hear her out, Zak. I don’t think you understand how I’m feeling right now. Would you want to speak to me, say things were the other way around? If Lorna had been sleeping with, let’s say Archie, for pretty much the whole time you’d been together and I had known about it for seven months, would you be fine with hearing me out? Would you be okay with sitting down and listening to what I had to say?” I looked at him, waiting for an answer.
“I’d give you a chance to explain.”
I rolled my eyes and looked at my lap.
“Of course you’d say that now because things aren’t the other way around.” I sighed, about to stand up. Before I could, Kris put his hand on mine perhaps to reassure me. It just felt wrong.
“Look, Gaby, Lorna has been through a lot these last few months. She needs her friends right now.” Zak said, staring at me.
“I’ve been going through a lot for the last 6 years, I think I needed her more.” I reminded him. He looked away and I took this moment to move my hand from underneath Kris’. I felt sick. Really sick. “Excuse me.” I said, getting up quickly and rushing through to the bathroom. I closed the door and locked it, lifting up the toilet seat and hurling. That taste burned my mouth again. The taste I was sure had something to do with the drugs I’d taken, but now I’m not so sure.

Lorna's POV

“Do you know what I just realised?” Archie stated randomly. We’d been sat here in halls for the best part of an hour, just watching the TV. It was only the two of us that were in and I don’t think anyone else is likely to appear.
“What?”
“That I haven’t even known you for a year yet”
“Neither you have” I agreed. You could tell by the way I sounded that I wasn’t as interested in what Archie was saying as he wanted me to be. I was off in my head as usual.
“What did you do before you came here?” I asked. It was odd. It’s taken me up until now to realise that I have no clue what Archie did before he came here. He arrived in the middle of the year. That’s really peculiar. I mean, if he’d stayed here before surely we’d have met him through Zoe.
“Went to a different uni” He said.
“So why did you move?” I asked.
“I just felt like a change” He muttered, clearly not wanting to talk about it. His eyes were focussed on the TV. I don’t even know what we were watching. I was left without anything to say. Archie clearly didn’t want to talk about why he moved Uni and for once in my life I had decided just to let him be. I didn’t want to be my usual self and pester him until he told me.
“Can’t believe I’m bored on New Years Eve” He laughed.
“Do you usually go out?” I asked. I’m always bored on New Years Eve. My mum hated it so all I ever did was sit in the house with her. Had a few drinks at the bells and then went to bed. Mum said she thought it was the most depressing day of the year because it made her think about the people who we’d lost throughout the year.
“Not really. We have a neighbour who always throws this New Years party for everyone in the area. I’m usually at that.”
“Why aren’t you there this year?” I asked, trying to prolong the conversation and stop us from sinking back into the silence.
“I just, I don’t know” He shrugged. “I didn’t want to be there with everyone looking at Mum, Dad and I with pity about the shit we’ve gone through this year”
I nodded, completely understanding what he meant. “Yeah, I know what you mean.” We sank back into the silence again.
“When will you be abandoning me to head back to Zak’s?” Archie asked breaking my concentration from the TV. It was some disgusting documentary about plastic surgery mishaps.
“I won’t abandon you” I said. “If I go back to Zak’s you can come to”
“Threesome?” He winked.
I just shook my head disapprovingly. “Oh, Grow up” I laughed.
“Has he text yet?”
“No.” I said. This worried me. It was 4 now. I don’t know what I was expecting. I don’t really know how “Sorry Gabs. I didn’t know Rhys was with Natalie the whole time that was just my fantastic girlfriend who just keeps adding to her lists of secrets and lies” conversations pan out but I thought he’d be back with me by dinner time. Maybe Kris and Gaby have made him realise how much of a bitch I actually am and I’ve lost all 3 of my best friends. My eyes began to well up. What the hell am I crying for?! I’m the villain, the one who has given Gaby reason to cry.
“Hey!” Archie said, getting up of his chair and moving over to the couch beside me. “What are you crying for?”
“I’m not” I said, forcing a smile.
“And I thought the girl who’d managed to keep Rhys and Natalie’s affair secret for months would be good at telling a lie.” He joked. I gave him a look. “Sorry”
“Everything is fucked up.” I said. “It’s New Years Eve and I’m sat here with you”
“Well thanks very much!” Archie laughed.
“You know I didn’t mean that!” I said quickly. “I just mean New Years Eve is when everyone spends time with their all family and friends and 3 of my best friends are somewhere right now discussing what a bitch I am!”
“You’re being silly” Archie said, putting his arm around me.
“No, I was being silly when I didn’t tell my best friend her boyfriend was seeing our other friend!” I said. “I swear to you Archie I thought it was over. I thought once I caught them that was it. They wouldn’t do anything again. Rhys started being so good to Gaby that I found myself forgetting about it! I thought everyone could go on without anyone else knowing.” I vented. “I was in the hospital when they started doing stuff again and by that time Gaby and Rhys were over. Gaby had slept with Kris. I didn’t realise until now how bad it was”
“Gaby will get over it. She just needs time.”
“Yeah, of course she’ll get over it” I said. “But our group has just fallen to pieces”
“What group?” Archie sort of laughed. “Lorna, can you actually name the last time that all of us hung out together?” I thought for a few seconds. “See you can’t” He was right. The group that I think we have in my head doesn’t really exist. “You and Zak spend every minute together. Gaby looking after Alicia and Kris is usually over there. Elliot’s got this new girlfriend, Rhys and Natalie have been sneaking around.”
“What about you?” I asked.
“I hang about with everybody.” He said. “But with all the couples it’s getting harder!”
“Well you just need to get a girlfriend then!” I said.
“Yeah, I do” He laughed awkwardly.
“What?!” I said. “Didn’t think you were the type for a girlfriend.”
“Aha. The things you don’t know” Archie laughed awkwardly. “Things will never go back to the way they were.”
“Helpful” I said.
“I’m being honest.” He said awkwardly.
“No more Laby time” I whispered sadly.
“I didn’t say you and Gaby still won’t be friends” He said. “it’ll just take time. Look at Peyton and Brooke!”
“Did you just make a One Tree Hill reference!”
“And you’re smiling again …” Archie laughed. “Pathetic.” He stood up and walked over to the fridge. “What are we going to do for dinner?”
“I really want to know what Zak’s doing”
“Of course you do” Archie sighed.
“Sorry.” I sighed. “I just wish I knew what was going on”
“Do you want me to ring him?” Archie asked.
“Please” I said. “No, wait no. Infact yes. No. I don’t know.”
“I’m going to make a decision and ring him.”
“Okay” I sighed. Worried about what would be happening. Archie took out his phone and put it up to his ear.
“Hi.” He began. “Good thanks you” I changed my position on the phone so I could look at Archie in the kitchen. “She’s at halls with me. Well we were just phoning to see what you wanted to do about dinner?” He paused. “Oh okay. See you in a bit”
“So what did he say?”
“He was just going back to the flat to get you. He’s bringing food.”
“That’s good” I said and Archie nodded in agreement. Why don’t I know what happened at Gaby’s?!

It wasn’t long until Zak was walking through the door carrying a plastic bag with stuff from the shop.
“I didn’t know what to get” He said. “I was going to the Chinese but the queue was out the door”
“The Chinese was open?!”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?” He asked, sitting the food down on the table before giving me a hug. Archie sighed and rolled his eyes.
“I don’t know I just thought everything closed on New Years Eve” I said. “There was one year I was working, only till half 10 and was desperate to go get chips when I finished and then the chippy was shut. It was completely devastating”
“Sounds it” Archie laughed. I let go of Zak and started getting stuff ready for food. I got 3 plates out of the cupboard, 3 glasses, 3 knives and 3 forks. “What did you get?” I asked.
“The Stuff for Fahita’s” he said, bending down to get the frying pan out of the drawer.
“What do you want to drink?” I asked. I could feel Zak looking at me, wondering why I hadn’t asked about what happened at Gaby’s. He most probably expected that to be the first thing I did when he walked through the door. I don’t know why I haven’t asked myself. It’s not that I don’t want to know. It’s that I’m scared to know, scared to hear what she thinks.
“Have we got any booze?” Archie asked. I opened the cupboard where we keep the booze. There was a few empty bottles which I took out and placed next to the bin. I then moved the bottles at the back forward to find a few cheap bottles of wine, a bottle of apple sourz, a bottle of archers, a bottle of mixed fruit cider and a 6 pack of Magners and 2 open bottles of vodka, but they were mostly full. I took the 6 pack out of the cupboard knowing that given the choice that would be what both of them would choose. I loosened them from the packaging and tossed one to either of them.
“Are you not having anything?” Archie asked and I shook my head.
“Don’t want to risk it with my pills” I sighed convincingly. I hadn’t even taken any today. The second I was finished my sentence Zak went into his pocket and sat them down on the table. Damn.
“I’m sure you can have one glass of apple sourz and lemonade” Archie said, standing up and moving over to make me it. “There’s practically no alcohol in it.” He was right. I saw Zak watching me carefully as I took it but fought the urge to snap at him. It won’t kill me.
“Thank you” I smiled, taking my glass and walking over the couch. I heard the frying pan sizzling up and it wasn’t long until Archie sat next to me on the sofa.
“So what else are we going to do?” Archie asked. “Or are you 2 going to be boring and go to bed before midnight”
“Watch a DVD?” I questioned, knowing my suggestion was rubbish.
“Okay” Archie agreed. “Go get one then. But no crappy girly films”
“Okay” I frowned, faking disappointment. Why does everyone think that’s all I like?! I stood up and wandered through into my room and bend down on the floor and pulled the boxes from below my bed. This was going to me until next year to find a film that we would all agree on. I’ll take through a selection. These all used to be in alphabetical order and now they’re all mixed in together. I’ve even got some that aren’t even mine.
I can’t make up my mind whether I’m not looking hard enough or whether I genuinely don’t have any films we’d all agree on. The only films I know we all like are funny ones that aren’t funny anymore because I’ve watched them way too many times. I picked out a few action films, Shrek and a few Rom-Coms that guys don’t actually mind. If Archie doesn’t like them then he can get off his lazy bum and come through and look for himself or get one of his own DVDs. While I thought this I walked slowly up the hall and saw Archie and Zak talking to each other. Quietly, so that I couldn’t hear.
“What are you talking about?” I asked, Archie quickly turned round to face me and Zak went back to focussing on the frying pan.
“Are you talking about what happened at Gaby’s?” I asked, straight out already knowing the response.
“Yes” Archie admitted.
“And I can’t hear because?” I asked. Both of them said nothing. “Zak, just tell me what was said” I stated. “And don’t miss anything out because you think telling me would upset me. Learn from my mistakes…”
“She doesn’t remember last night at all.” He explained, as I sat the DVDs down on the work surface. Out the corner of my eye I saw Archie scrunch up his face at my choices.
“What did you tell her?” I asked.
“I told her what she said last night. Then just what you’ve told me.” He said. “That you thought you were protecting her and that you did what you thought was best.”
“What else was said?” I asked. I wasn’t looking at Zak, or Archie just focussed straight ahead at the wall in front.
“She asked how long you’d known for. I told her the truth.”
I gulped. “What did she say?”
“She said “And you expect me to forgive her”” Zak said, moving over to me, probably expecting me to cry. I’m not going to cry. I made a mistake. I need to deal with the repercussions. He put his arm around me but I pushed it away instantly. I shouldn’t be getting any pity. I was wrong.
“What about her wrists?” I asked.
“That was what I was telling Archie about.” Zak said. “It was Kris.”
“What?!” I asked, my eyebrows furrowing in confusion.
“Exactly” Archie said, shaking his head in disbelief. “Are you sure?”
“He was there” Zak said.
“But why?” I asked. He loves her. He wouldn’t hurt her like that, ever.
“I don’t know.” Zak sighed, stirring the fahita’s that were nearly done.
“Didn’t you ask?”
“I did but Gaby just said I know why he did it and that’s all that matters.” He explained. “It makes no sense. It scares me that they have Alicia”
“What are you trying to say?!” I asked. “They’re really good parents!”
“I just worry about her that’s all.” Zak said, clearly thinking about something more than he had said.
“Who?” Archie asked, confused.
“Alicia”
“What exactly was said?” Archie asked.
“I’ll tell you once we’ve had tea.” Zak said, taking the wraps out of the microwave. There’s something he isn’t telling me. I know it.

Gaby's POV


Whispers from the living room made me freeze before I stepped out of my bedroom. There are only two reasons why people whisper. One, they don’t want to wake someone up. Two, they’re trying to keep something a secret. Seeing as the only person around here that’s asleep is Alicia and that hadn’t bothered them before I left the room, I’m going to say that the reason Zak and Kris are whispering is number Two. Secrets are tricky little things. They can be so small and insignificant one minute and the next they can mean more to you than life and death.
I hesitated at the door, crouching down so I can see through the small gap directly at the table where they sat but I was in no danger of being seen. Zak’s voice was raised a little louder than a whisper.
“What are you saying?”
Kris’ eyes raised up to look at the door I was crouched behind. I slid back further out of sight.
“Nothing Zak. I’m saying nothing.” He answered slowly, his voice low.
“No, what did you mean by that?”
Again Kris looked at the door.
“She’s being sick.” He said, matter-of-factly. Zak followed his gaze to the door.
“Right?”
Kris said something quickly under his breath. I could only catch the words “promised me” before Zak told him to speak up. Kris looked at him, looking paler than usual.
“Zak, if I tell you something can you promise me you won’t tell Lorna? Because her knowing would make this whole scenario so much worse, but I think you have the right to know.” Kris said quietly. It wasn’t a repeat of what he’d said a moment ago, but I guessed it was leading towards it.
Zak stared at Kris for a moment.
“Okay.”
Once more Kris’ eyes flitted across to the door. There was a long pause.
“Last week..”
My hand snapped back from the wall in shock, hitting something behind me, because I knew what Kris was about to tell Zak. The betrayal that I felt was unbelievably strong. Angry tears pricked my eyes. I focussed on Kris, his eyes fixed on my door probably having heard whatever I knocked over during his opening sentence. Zak leaned forwards, urging Kris to continue his story. The story of what really happened last week, at Christmas, in the merry town of Blackpool. How I had been completely malnourished and Kris got so angry with me for lying to him that he almost broke both my wrists. It wasn’t a good story to tell. He didn’t exactly have any right to tell it. I was breathing so fast now that I was worried they would hear my panicked state.
“No, never mind.” Kris said, looking pointedly at my door.
“Kris..”
“Sh, it doesn’t matter.” He shook his head quickly. I was about to stand up straight and leave to stop Kris saying any more but Zak started speaking again.
“Why don’t you take Alicia and go somewhere? Don’t look at me like that, I’m really worried about her.”
“What? Why are you worried?” Kris asked. He sat up straighter and leaned across the table to Zak. His head was tilted slightly away from the door so I couldn’t quite see the expression on his face, but from the tone of his voice I guessed he was confused.
“Why are you not?”
“What’s there to be worried about?” Kris leaned back and I saw his eyebrows crease together.
“She’s doing drugs. The simple stuff now, yes, but tomorrow? Next week? I’m scared she’s going to de-rail, Kris, and if I’m honest I’d rather Alicia wasn’t around to witness that.” Zak said, his fist on the table to highlight the drama of his little speech. It made me feel sick.
“Zak, are you telling me you’ve never got high before?” Kris asked, his eyebrows raised to mock him.
“No, I’m not saying that.” Zak’s cheeks were starting to burn red. “But when we did it, we were out with friends having a laugh – not getting baked alone on a street corner!”
“She was sad, Zak. She was probably just trying something other than alcohol to numb the pain.”
“That’s precisely what I’m worried about.” Zak said, leaning towards Kris again. “What if smoking weed worked, but not enough? What if by doing that she decides she wants something harder and stronger, like coke? Or heroin?”
“You sound like an over-reacting boyfriend.” Kris folded his arms and leaned back.
“It really scares me that you don’t.” Zak replied, his eyes focussed on Kris.
“I’m not her boyfriend.”
“Neither am I!” Zak said quickly, “But you are a hell of a lot closer to it than me. You have plenty more reasons to be worried about how she’s behaving, so why aren’t you showing it? Aren’t you worried about your daughter’s safety?”
“How can you even ask me such a thing?” Kris replied, his temper rising.
“Well you don’t seem to care about her right now!”
“Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare say that. How can you come here and criticize me? You don’t know what I feel or don’t feel, Zak. You don’t know what I’d do to protect her. One thing’s for sure, I love and care more about Alicia than anyone else on this planet so don’t you ever say otherwise.” Kris’ voice had risen to a volume that even if I was in the bathroom I’d have probably heard what he said word for word. I walked away from the door and over to Alicia’s cot. Her eyes were open, staring at me. A smile crossed her face as she recognised who was standing over her. Her legs kicked excitedly at the sight of me. I picked her up, holding her on my hip, waiting. Waiting to feel what I heard in Kris’ voice. The love and devotion, the pain, anything. I looked at her small cute little face again and she smiled and when I didn’t smile back she looked sad and I didn’t even care. Or I did, but more like the kind of feeling you get when it’s someone else’s child. You don’t want them to be sad, but if they do you’re more than willing to cart it off to the owner so they can quiet them down. Is that really how I feel about Alicia now? Because last week, yesterday, an hour ago... I would have given my life to protect her, but now I feel like she’s not even part of me. Now she feels like a burden.
The thought scared me. So much that I had to leave the room and force myself to be in the company of Kris and Zak or I didn’t know what I might do. I walked out, trying to seem mildly happy about holding Alicia in my arms. Trying to smile at her like I usually would.
“Look who’s up.” I said, holding her tiny hand in mine. I tried to make my voice sound happy, but it came out dead. Kris’ eyes searched my face trying to understand the reason behind it, but I could tell he was unsure. He didn’t know. He was clueless, like me.
“I’ll go make her a bottle.” He said, standing up. As he walked past me he kissed Alicia on the head and put a hand reassuringly on my shoulder. I avoided his eyes, choosing to watch Zak instead. Zak was refusing to look my way. I don’t think he knew I heard everything he said, but he probably still felt guilty about it.
“Want to hold her?” I asked, walking towards him. He nodded his head, holding his arms out. I passed her over with ease, not feeling the usual ache I got every time someone else had her. Even the constant worry that they might hurt her had escaped my mind. I stared at Alicia like she was brand new, and I couldn’t help but relax. Just a little bit. Because, even though it was the most awful thing in the world, the only thing I could feel was relief. Relief that right now I didn’t have the pain that came with motherhood. Honestly, I felt free again.

-

“Do you want to do something for New Years with us?” Zak asked, his eyes avoiding mine like they had been for the last couple of hours. I was almost surprised that he was still here until I remembered the worry he’d stressed to Kris.
“No.” I answered it like it was a funny joke, because to me it was. Seriously, he wants me to spend my New Year with the person that I hate most in the world right now? That was pure, genius, comedy right there.
Kris’ head snapped up and scowled at me. It was his way of telling me off for being rude.
“Oh.” Zak answered bluntly.
“So what’s your plan for New Year?” Kris asked, he sounded curious. I know that whatever my plan is will become his plan too. He can’t stay away from Alicia, and I can’t either.
“Stay in, hopefully sleep through it.” I answered bluntly. I had no desire to enter a new year feeling this disgusted with my life. I’d much rather wake up like it was just another ordinary day. After all, who wants to start a new year feeling more alone than ever?
“You don’t want to celebrate it at all? It’s Alicia’s first New Year!” Kris protested.
“Then you take her somewhere.” I snapped back. I’m not the only one capable of taking her places. “Also, I’d rather she was asleep so there’s really no need.”
“Well can I stay here?” He asked.
“Really?” I didn’t hide my unwillingness.
“Never mind.” He shook his head and turned away, standing up and heading into the kitchen. Zak looked at me for the first time since I heard them whispering about me.
“You know, he is the father of your kid, you should treat him with more respect.”
“You don’t know the half of it, Zak.” I answered bluntly, standing up and following Kris into the kitchen. Even though I really didn’t want to be around anybody tonight, I also didn’t feel like I should be left alone with Alicia given my sudden change of mood earlier. Just thinking of how I looked at her, lying in her cot, not feeling any emotion towards her.. It frightened me.
“Kris?” He was stood by the sink, cleaning something, with his back to me. “I’m sorry, of course you can stay here. I think I’d rather it.”
“No, it’s alright. I might go out with Nancy or something.”
I was slightly taken aback by his choice of company, purely because I seemed to forget he had friends outside his flat mates and me. Silly, of course.
“Please, Kris? It is Alicia’s first new year...” I bit my lip, still staring at the back of his head. He laughed then turned to me, his blinding white smile hitting me with surprise.
“You’re painful, you know that?”
“Ouch.” I held my hand over my heart like that comment really hurt. He laughed, flicking bubbles at me from whatever he was washing. I stepped to the side trying to dodge them but obviously failed. I have terrible reactions.
“Alright, I’ll stay.” He said, still smiling. The smile on my face had already dropped. The pain that had momentarily subsided was slowly creeping back.
“Good.” I answered, trying to sound happy about it. I stood awkwardly in front of him for a moment, trying to think of something else to say, but words failed me so instead I just left the room.

-
7 o clock.
Five hours left until midnight.
My phone started to ring. It was a number I didn’t recognise. At first I was just going to ignore it, let them leave a message if it was important. But Kris stared at me and I felt like the excuse to leave the room was just too good. I clicked the green button as I walked through to Alicia’s room.
“Hello?”
A rough, deep voice answer.
“Hey Cutey.”
I was hit by sudden déjà vu, but I couldn’t quite place it. I was quiet for a few seconds, my mind racing.
“Who is this?” I asked, my voice quiet. I didn’t want Kris overhearing, even though there were two rooms between us. I had the feeling in my gut that whoever I was talking to was not someone I wanted Kris to know about but my mind was still unsure as to who it was.
“Arrow. We met last night.” The man answered.
My instinct was correct.
“How did you get my number?” I asked instantly. It was a valid question. I met this guy last night. I got told he was bad news. There’s no way Luke would have given my number to him out of the blue, so how the hell is he calling me?
“Ah, now that would be too easy.” He answered slowly. I waited for him to continue but he didn’t.
“What do you want?”
“How did last night go?” He sounded amused. I felt myself getting defensive.
“It was fine. Why?” I knew why he was asking. By the way he was speaking, he wanted me to try something else. Give him some money.
“You need to stop with the twenty questions.”
“Why are you calling me, Arrow?”
“That’s another question.” His laugh was muffled.
“Arrow..”
There was a long silence. I could imagine him sitting on a cheap sofa, taking a drag from a spliff, deciding exactly what to say.
“I want to see you.” He said slowly. I was quiet. My stomach started turning a little bit.
“When?”
He laughed.
“You really take me by surprise. From the way the conversation started, I assumed whatever edginess you had last night had gone and you really were the quiet girl you look like.”
I stayed silence.
“Clearly I was wrong.” He said, finally.
“Clearly.” I answered slowly.
“You live on the Hollyoaks campus, right?”
“Pretty much.”
“Meet me at the back of the SU bar at 11.” Then he hung up.

-
8 o clock.
Four hours till midnight.
Kris had just put Alicia to bed and was looking at me from my bedroom door as if he had something to say. I made a quick exit to the kitchen to avoid conversation. It wasn’t that I didn’t want Kris there - because he felt like my security blanket when I was most afraid - but I couldn’t deal with the company right now. I can’t make small talk. I can’t laugh like nothing is wrong. I just can’t do it.

-
9 o clock.
Three hours till midnight.
I was sat watching an episode of Friends on the sofa, and Kris decided to suggest we make our new year calls early. I thought it was ridiculous. Why would we call when we hadn’t even entered a new year yet? It’d be like giving someone a drink the day before their 18th – ruins the new experience. He got frustrated with my snappy comment and our argument woke Alicia. He stormed into my room to get her back to sleep.

-
10 o clock.
Two hours till midnight.
I smashed a glass. I didn’t mean to. Kris was talking to me about possibly watching the pre-new year entertainment show and his petty remarks just got to me. I guess I held the glass too tightly in my hand. I was bleeding pretty badly and Kris was snapping at me as he got my a cloth to clean it up. I think he thought I’d done it on purpose because that’s what I do apparently. When he came back with a cloth, I was expecting him to give it me to put over my wound, but instead he put it on the floor and started picking up the shards of glass. I stomped out of the sitting room and into the bathroom. Even though if he had given me sympathy and helped me out I’d have shuddered away from him, it still upset me that he hadn’t even offered. Tears were stinging my eyes and I hastily wiped them away, mistakenly blaming my new cut hand on their presence. I left my bathroom and sat down quietly on my bed, turning my head to watch Alicia who was sound asleep.

-

11 o clock.
One hour till midnight.
Kris was still kicking up a fuss about me leaving. I told him almost 15 minutes ago that I had to go out, but he still hasn’t given up and let me leave.
“I just don’t understand, Gaby. Who are you meeting?” He snapped at me, standing in front of the door. He was speaking in a low voice so he wouldn’t wake Alicia but it was still full of bitterness.
“Does it matter? I said I’ll be back for midnight.” I said back in an almost pleading voice. Even then my voice still sounded dead. It reminded me of how I was when Kris first took off.
“You’re cutting it pretty fine.”
“I’ve got like an hour Kris, I mean –” I broke off, just noticing the clock. “Shit, it’s 11. Kris, please I’m late. Just let me go! I’d have been back by now if I’d gone when I said I was going.”
“You’ve got all dressed up.” He muttered, looking me up and down. It’s true. I was wearing waist high leather hot pants and a cropped, yet fitted, top. Topped that off with my favourite pair of mega high, bad-ass black heels that had silver spikes covering them. I’d also done my make up and sorted my hair out too.
“It’s new years eve, I don’t want to look out of place.” I suggested, shrugging. I started shrugging on my leather jacket. I’m going to freeze outside - it’s still snowing.
“Gaby, haven’t you ever heard of the leg or chest rule?” Kris asked, his tone changing and his eyes narrowing. I instantly smiled because I knew that he was going to let me go now. He’d gone from giving sentimental reasons to fashion reasons.
“Slipped my mind.” I said, picking up my phone and slinging my back over my shoulder. “Right, I’m going. I swear I’ll be back by midnight and if I’m not then... er, you can decide my punishment.”
He looked at the ground and stepped aside so I could get out of the door.

-

48 minutes till midnight.

“You’re late.” A hand grabbed me from the shadows and I skidded a little bit on the ice. I almost screamed but stopped myself just in time. Arrow was looking at me like he was trying to scare me. I wasn’t afraid of him.
“I got held up. Have you seen the crowds? It was hard not to get stopped.”
“You should have left earlier then.” He said, smiling now. I hadn’t let my defences down yet. I pulled my arm out of his hand and stood back from him. He looked at me.
“What are you trying to do, attract a rapist?” He asked, a snigger behind his voice. It reminded me of something a bully would say to his victim in high school or something.
“No.” I answered coldly, putting my arms roughly at my side. I was thankful now that I’d opted for the shorts rather than the wet look leggings. At least these cover my stomach.
“Oh what, you were trying to attract me?” Arrow barked out a laugh now. I snorted.
“Please, if I wanted to attract you I would get tattoos or something. You’re not my type.” I said rolling my eyes.
“What am I then?” He asked, a little curious.
“My dealer.” I said, pulling out my purse. He smiled and held his hands up.
“I’ve got nothing on me.” He said shrugging slightly. I narrowed my eyes.
“Don’t lie. Why’d you ask me to meet you then?” I asked, starting to get confused now. I thought that’s what this was between us.
“I just liked your attitude, I wanted to see if you still had it.” He took a step closer to me and I automatically took a step back. I heard a door open from the wall behind where we stood and listened as the bar man at the SU emptied the empty glass bottles into the bin. Once the door closed again and he’d gone I looked back at Arrow.
“I’m not interested in getting to know you better, alright? I just wanted some fun and if you can’t give that to me then I’m going to go, okay?” I said, stuffing my purse back in my bag. As I turned to leave he grabbed my hand. It was a solid grip but had an almost gentle feel to it.
“Who said I couldn’t give you any fun?” He said voice extremely low, his lips brushing against my ear.
“Have you got anything?” I asked again, trying to keep my voice steady.
“Nothing you’d want. It’s too much for you.” Even though I wasn’t facing him, I could tell he was smiling. I turned around and pushed him back a little bit.
“How do you know what’s too much for me?”
“You don’t want to be a junkie.
“No.” I said, looking at him like he was an idiot. Of course I didn’t. Who’d want a life like that? “But I’m happy to have fun. Just for now. I’m not going to get addicted or anything.”
He smiled. I thought I saw his eyes flash, like a warning shot on the news, but then he just looked like his usual self. He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a small plastic bag that he held up in the street-lit alley. It was half full with a white powder.
“What’s that?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
“Cocaine.” He said in reply, analysing my face. I nodded. My heart was beating fast.
“How much?” I asked. He raised his eyebrows.
“You sure you want this? I mean, your first time can be a bad experience.”
“It’s not my first time.” I said back to him, watching his reaction. At first he seemed shocked, then slowly he started smiling before beginning to laugh.
“You never fail to surprise me. What’s this game you’re playing? From what Luke’s told me you’re this innocent girl that accidentally wound up pregnant by your loving boyfriend. You’re life doesn’t seem so troubled.” He was saying it in a casual way, but it was like he still desperately wanted an answer. I liked that. I liked that he wanted to know more about me. That he thought I was hiding something big. I wanted to be the person he found intriguing. I wanted him to chase me, instead of the other way around.
“I’m an excellent actress.” I said smiling. “Can I have a price for that now, please?”
He laughed again, his dark voice making it sound almost menacing. Then he abruptly stopped.
“A kiss.”
“I’m sorry, what?” I said, a shocked laugh escaping me.
“You can have this for a kiss.”
“Aw, so you’re here to attract me? Well I’m sorry to burst your little bubble Arrow but that won’t be happening. Now come on, give me a real price. I know you need money. You were begging Luke for some yesterday.” I kept a firm ground.

He was smiling. He didn’t give anything away. It was almost scary. I looked back down the alley way. No one was walking past. I could hear the crowds of people outside the SU bar and the music booming through the walls. Then I looked back at Arrow and fully analysed his features. I traced the strange spikey tattoo that went from his left neck and over his cheek and it was now that I noticed it wasn’t just a strange shape but a dying flower. I was shocked by that. It seemed a bit too girly for a guy to have any kind of flower standing out over his face. Maybe he was extremely drunk when he had it done. Maybe it symbolises something. I looked at his eyes. His dark, almost black, eyes. They were heavy, but I couldn’t tell if that was just because of the amount of drugs he was addicted to. They gave him that effect that made him the kind of person you’d want to stay away from. It was only now that I truly looked at him that I noticed. If he sorted himself out; if he gained some weight and got rid of his tattoos and gave up the drugs... This guy would be quite a good looking guy.

“What’s your game? Why’s your life so troubled?” I asked, really curious now. Because underneath everything all I was seeing now was a good looking guy that was best friends with Luke at high school. He was probably quite popular.
“I’m a good actor too.” He smirked at me but I saw it again, a flash like a warning behind his eyes. He was still holding up the coke. Feeling less disgusted by the thought, I leaned forwards and put a hand around his neck. My lips touched his and instantly he gripped the small of my back hard. It was a powerful kiss. Perhaps the most powerful I’d ever experienced. In fact, it was so much that I thought this might be enough to take my mind off things and I was half prepared to tell him to keep his drugs and I’d have him for the night instead. But then giggling came from the end of the alley as a group of young girls drunkenly passed to make their way to the SU bar. I pulled away, snatching from his hand the cocaine before he could ask for anything more.
“Thanks for this.” I said, hoping by my tone of voice that it sounded like I didn’t enjoy myself there. I didn’t want him to think he had me in the palm of his hand. He was stood slightly away from me, completely silent. I didn’t bother saying anything more. I took my bag off my shoulder and walked away down the small alleyway and into the crowd, putting the drugs somewhere safe as I did.

-
26 minutes till midnight.

I hadn’t realised I’d been that long with Arrow. I thought maybe, maximum, 15 minutes but I was shocked to check my phone and see it was already 11:34pm. I didn’t have long to get back to the flat or Kris was going to give me some kind of dreadful punishment. I walked quickly through the crowded streets surrounding the SU and decided that, even though it’s extremely busy, the quickest route would be to cut through the SU bar and out of halls. Dreading the thought of who I might run into, I changed direction and walked towards the busier bar.
I just reached a clear section when I collided with somebody. I let out a small shriek of an apology as my bag fell to the ground and my belongings scattered the pavement. I groaned in frustration, knowing it was all my fault for not paying attention to where I was going. I looked up to see who I’d bumped in to. It surprised me that whoever it was hadn’t immediately apologised like I had, this being England and all, but then I realised why.
Rhys stood silently looking at me, and I looked at the ground in frustration.
“Great, what are the chances out of the hundreds of people that are here that I would collide with you!” I said it more to myself as I bent down to pick up my purse and keys that had luckily only gone as far as my feet. The rest of my things were hidden under peoples feet as they stood having drinks. I hadn’t picked up my bag yet, I just stood up straight holding them in my hand.
“Sorry.” He said but I couldn’t tell whether this was just delayed because he ran into me or because it was clear I didn’t want to see him.
“It’s fine, whatever.” I said, picking up my bag and moving to collect my phone the had fallen next to a woman’s shoe. She gave me a look as I bent below her skirt but then seemed to understand and smiled too brightly. I glared back. I looked around to see if there was anything else and just saw it as Rhys bent down to pick it up. Right where my bag had been. If I hadn’t been so careless he’d have never even noticed. If I’d just paid attention I could have slipped it back into my bag easily.
Rhys stood up straight, concentrating on the small bag of cocaine. Then he worked it out and he looked right at me.

I tried as best as I could to clear my guilty face and walked back over to him pretending I had no idea what he was holding; that he’d found the only thing I’d actually come out the house for.
“Right well, thanks for making my night even worse than it already was. If you don’t mind, I’ll be leaving now.” I went to walk past him but he spoke too soon.
“What’s this?” His voice was low and he held the packet so only I’d be able to see it. I tried to look confused.
“I don’t know. It looks like some drugs or something.” I said hoping I sounded convincing.
“You’re not a very good liar.” He said quietly, getting closer to me.
“Well that’s good then because I’m not lying. Now if you excuse me, I kind of want to be home so I can see my daughter at midnight-”
“This fell out of your bag!”
“What? Excuse me?” I tried to act like I usually would if someone was accusing me of something. I started getting closer to him.
“It fell out of your bag, I saw it when you picked your bag up.” He said looking certain.
“Right, well it was obviously just a coincidence. I mean, look around there’s tonnes of people here. Anyone could have dropped it earlier and-”
“What and you picked it up?” Rhys asked, sounding disgusted.
“No! It was never in my bag!”
“You are lying!” He sounded so shocked that it frustrated me. What gave him the right to judge my life?
“No I’m not Rhys. I don’t know what happened to your freaking psychic ability but it’s clearly not working right now. I sure as hell wish you’d get it fixed though so you can see that I am telling the truth!”
“There are police all over the place, Gaby.”
“That’s great, maybe they’ll catch a criminal. Lucky I’m not one of them, eh?” I answered, still trying to move away. I was hoping that even if Rhys kept that stash I might be able to find Arrow and get more before it was too late.
“Come on Gaby, what is going on? Can we go somewhere quieter? I can’t hear anything here.” He tried to pull me by the arm but I roughly pulled it away from him.
“Don’t try and trick me into getting all cosy with you Rhys, it won’t work.”
“You’re making me worried.”
“You have no right to be worried!” I snapped back. I could feel myself getting upset now. “You have no right to even care about me Rhys. It isn’t fair. You completely betrayed me. You completely fucked me up! So don’t you dare, don’t you even dare act like you’re worried about me now. You just want to get into the scoop. Find something interesting to do. Bet you’re bored now both your little play things have gone away.” I was so furious but it didn’t stop the tears spilling over my eyes. I hadn’t had a chance to scream at him yet and it was liberating.
“If you think I’m not sorry about what I did then you’re completely wrong.” Rhys kept his voice steady.
“Sorry doesn’t count Rhys, because that means you wouldn’t do it again. But you did do it again, over and over for a whole year. A year Rhys. That’s the whole time we were going out. So you saying ‘sorry’ means absolutely fuck all.” I shouted. It attracted a little bit of attention but I didn’t care. I flung my bag back over my shoulder.
“I just want to get back home Rhys.” I said threw gritted teeth.
“I want to know where you got this.” He persisted, holding the drugs up to my face again. I looked around to check no one else could see what was going on and knew that my game, if I was even playing it well enough, was up. Even I could tell I acted too worried for a nervous person. Rhys pulled my hand and stormed with me through the crowd. I had no idea where he was taking me but it was away from the SU. He dragged me round a corner and then came to a stop under the bridge near Il Gnosh.

-

14 minutes till midnight.

“Talk to me. Now.” His voice was very demanding.
“I have nothing to say to you, Rhys.” I said, looking away from him. “And even if I did what gives you the right to know?”
“I know you better than anyone else on the planet, Gaby. I care about you more than anyone-”
“Do not give me that crap. If you cared about me even a little bit you wouldn’t have slept with one of my friends. You know, I used to actually hope that at the end of the year you could move into my flat with me and Alicia... Clearly that was too far fetched for the Gods.” I rolled my eyes, hoping I could just leave now. My flat was about 10 minutes away so I might be able to still make it in time. I turned towards the village and saw some faces I recognised but didn’t know the names. The man who owned Il Gnosh was clearing a table. He smiled over in my direction, probably knowing me as Kris’ daughter’s Mum. Kris knows everyone in the village. Or maybe he knows me as Rhys’ ex-girlfriend and that was a sympathetic smile because he could see I was talking to him. There’s no privacy in the Oaks.
“What you’ve got to understand is that it wasn’t like I was having two relationships at one time, Gaby. It wasn’t!” He gripped my hand tighter. I tried to pull it out of his grip but couldn’t.
“Yeah, right-”
“Why are your wrists so badly bruised?” He interrupted, sounding worried again. I tried again to pull my hand out of his but his grip was solid.
“It is none of your business.”
“Are those finger marks?
“Rhys please let me go home. It’s Alicia’s first new year!” I tried to throw in the empathetic remark but it didn’t seem to phase him.
“Who hurt you Gaby?” He sounded angry now. Really angry. I was frustrated to realise that a little bit of warmth flooded through me when I saw that he really did still care about me.
“Rhys, I’m not likely to tell you am I?”
“I wish you would.”
“I wish I could.” I said, glaring at him. My eyes were still full of tears but thankfully they’d stopped overflowing now.
“Please, Gaby. Just tell me why you’ve got this.” He held out his hand with the drugs in it.
“It’s not mine, I already told you.”
“Stop lying!” His voice was loud now and it attracted a group of people heading out of The Loft. The group changed the direction they were going and headed towards us now. Great.
“Rhys, people are starting to come over. I swear that isn’t mine so can I just go now?”
“Gaby I promise I will not tell anyone if it is yours. I just want to know why you’ve got it. I just want to talk to you.” His grip on my hand softened as I looked in his eyes. I truly believed what he said. Seizing my opportunity I yanked my hand out of his just as the group met us.

-

6 minutes till midnight.

My hopes for getting home before midnight had gone. Kris was going to be furious with me, but I could hardly give him a valid excuse. I could only tell Kris everything that happened tonight if I told him everything about Arrow, and that would be a terrible decision to make.
I saw Rhys stuff the cocaine into his jacket pocket as the people stopped around us. It was then that I looked to see who they were and it was like a bad day getting a million times worse.
Zak was stood at the front with Lorna, Archie and a friend of Archie’s whose name I’d forgotten. I’d only met him one, I think. Archie gave me an approving look and then turned to his friend and muttered what sounded to me like “Niiiice!”. I rolled my eyes.

“What’s going on?” Zak asked, then looking at me he said, “Are you alright?”
“I’m fine. I was just leaving, actually.” I looked up at Rhys and he shook his head.
“Wait-”
“The conversation is over, Rhys.”
“No, Gaby, we need to talk.” He held onto my arm again.
“Let go of her Rhys.” Zak said quickly. He did what he was told and I stumbled away. I was starting to feel cold now and wished I’d warn something a little bit warmer. This leather jacket wasn’t as good as the shop assistant promised.
“Gaby please.”
“Rhys she doesn’t want to talk to you.” Lorna spoke this time. I glared at her and she looked at the floor.
“How would you know?” Rhys said spitefully to Lorna. It actually made me smile a little bit. I saw tears form in her eyes as I think she realised I’d prefer to speak to Rhys than her right now.
“Don’t talk to her like that.” Zak snapped at Rhys. Rhys shrugged back.
“I don’t want to talk to anybody but Gaby, Zak. I’m not going to fight I just need to talk to her.” He turned to me, “I need to talk to you.”
“What’s so important?” Archie asked. Zak looked at him. “Sorry, but we all know you cheated on her. Saying sorry isn’t going to help. I don’t really think she needs the fact, so what other reason could you need to talk to her?”
Why, of all the times, does Archie need to show off that underneath his stupid act he’s actually quite a smart person now?!
“It’s none of your business, Archie.” Rhys said quietly.
“Actually Rhys, it’s more our business than yours.” Zak answered.
“No, I think you’ll find it’s no ones business but mine. And I’m not interested, Rhys!” I said angrily, going to leave again. This time Archie stood in my way. I heard Zak and Rhys talking behind me but Archie put his hands on the top of my arms and stooped his head down so he could look into my eyes.
“Are you really okay?” He asked quietly, so only I’d be able to hear him.
“I’m fine Archie, I just wanted to see Alicia at midnight and that obviously isn’t going to happen.”
“Who were you meeting? Did you go out?”
I shook my head. He put his arms around me for a hug and I accepted. Of all the people in the world, you just don’t expect Archie to be a big softie unless you know him. His lovely, stupid hug made me tear up again.


2 minutes till midnight.

“Gaby, please don’t go yet.” Rhys had come up behind me again. I pulled away from Archie and looked at Rhys.
“Now is obviously not the time, Rhys.”
“Yeah why don’t you just back off and go home?” Zak said, standing in front of me so I couldn’t interrupt.
“Because I need to talk to her Zak. It’s actually important.”
“Of course it is. She obviously doesn’t want to talk to you though. She wants to go home and be with her kid. Or have you forgotten all about Alicia now that you’ve fucked everything up with her Mum?” Zak’s voice sounded too bitter. He’d obviously had something to drink.
“I love Alicia too Zak. More than you or Lorna or Archie. And she loves me too so don’t even think I would forget about her.” Rhys said angrily. “She’s as good as my daughter.
“Don’t.” I said quietly. “Don’t say that.”
“But it’s true!” Rhys shrieked. Zak looked like he was shaking with anger. “I was there for everything! So much more than Kris. She’s as good as mine.”
“That’s what makes all of this even worse!” Zak was yelling now. “Why didn’t you ever think of Alicia then, eh? You love her so much then why did she slip your mind when you were fucking Natalie?”
“It wasn’t like that!” Rhys was getting so angry that he was turning red. He took his jacket off and threw it to the floor a few yards away. Zak was taking his jacket off too. I assumed it was just because they were both getting hot from all the arguing. But then I realised it’s the middle of winter and snow surrounded us. I didn’t need to hear Lorna’s warning to Zak to realise that they hadn’t just innocently taken their jackets off because they were hot.
“Wait, guys don’t.” I started, but they were still shouting at each other. I could hear people in surrounding bars and restaurants starting to count down.

10.

“You will never know how sorry I am Zak. Never!” Rhys screamed, a vein pounding in his head from all the anger.

9.

“No because I would never do something like that!” Zak retorted, getting closer to Rhys. There wasn’t a huge gap between them anyway but I could tell that soon fists would be flying. Lorna was starting to get upset but she was too afraid to try and stop it.

8.

“Yeah but your girlfriend did, didn’t she? You managed to forgive her!” Rhys pointed a finger at Lorna. Zak didn’t look round but instead focussed on the ground, his teeth clenched and his fingers flexing.

7.

“What? Was her’s easier to forget because she got herself hurt afterwards? Maybe I’ll go jump off a cliff.”
“Rhys!” I shrieked. Even though I was angry with Lorna, I thought he’d gone too far. Lorna was raped and then chucked down a hill. Yeah, it was after that that Zak took her back but that was just like an alarm clock waking you up. It doesn’t mean you weren’t going to wake up by yourself eventually.

6.
Zak threw the first fist and it knocked Rhys to the side. Then Rhys fought back, lunging at Zak and pushing him away from himself. I heard Lorna scream and I stood back in horror.
5...
I watched as they fell to the floor, rolling over. Each taking it in turn to pound the other.
4...
I noticed them cross near to Rhys’ jacket and I realised now that I was free. Whilst hearing Lorna scream “STOP!”, I knelt down.
3...
I put my hand in the pocket and pulled out the small plastic bag. I could see specks of red on the snowy white ground.
2...
I stood up and started walking away as Archie and his friend shoved past me to break up the fight. I heard Lorna question where I was going but I didn’t answer, I just continued back towards my flat, stash in hand.
1...
...Happy New Year.

Lorna's POV

“Thank you” I said to Archie as we stood in the kitchen of halls. He responded with a simple nod. I don’t think he understood how grateful I was for his help. Zak was now sat in the bathroom trying to stop his nose bleeding.
“I told Steven I’d go back and meet him at the SU.” He said awkwardly.
“I’ll see you later on then” I smiled. “I’m so glad you were there Archie.”
“I just –“ Archie shrugged. “I didn’t think tonight would turn out like this.”
“Neither did I” I said, as we stood there in silence. The plan was to go to the SU for bit and see how the night went on from there. When we first arrived this was definitely not how I saw the night panning out. It was a good night up as well right up until we went outside.
“You said you needed to get back. I’ll text you later. Thank you, again” I said, as I gave him a quick hug.
“See you later” He said as he turned and headed towards the staircase. I’m so glad Archie and Steven had been there to split up the fight. He also came back to halls with us, just to make sure Zak was alright and didn’t need to go to the hospital – on the way back we thought he may have had broken his nose - Archie had sobered up quite a bit the second the drama started.
I closed the door behind Archie and braced myself to go and help Zak. I walked through into the bathroom and before I could stop myself I gasped. Zak, who was sat on toilet – with the lid down – looked up at me and a lump formed in my throat. The blue and purple bruises mixed with the blood from both his nose and his lip was making Zak look almost unrecognisable. I got a face cloth from one of the drawers in the bathroom and moved quickly toward the tap to wet it slightly. I then turned and bent down next to Zak.
“I’m sorry if this hurts” I said, using the newly damp cloth in an attempt to clean some of the blood.
“Thank you.” He said. Those were the first words he had said to me since Archie had broken up the fight. I had held his hand the whole way home but he had said nothing. We sat in silence for a while as I gently tried to help him clean himself up. He did start to look better, but his lip was slightly swollen, and his bruises were deepening in colour as time went on.
“I think we need to get you out of your clothes” I said, meaning because they were all damp and sticky with his own blood but Zak – being Zak – laughed ,taking what I’d said in the completely opposite direction, before wincing in pain because of his lip. “Well that was my original plan for the night” I said, laughing slightly. Zak sighed.
“I’m sorry I-“
“Don’t apologize to me. As far as I’m concerned you don’t even need to apologize to Rhys” I said. “I just wish you hadn’t managed to get yourself so bashed to bits in the process.” I sighed. “Stand up” I instructed as I stood up myself and he followed my lead. “Hands up” I said, as though he was a small child, he did as I told him and I carefully peeled the shirt off of him. The strong stench of blood made me feel slightly nauseous. “Is your nose okay? Archie agrees with me about it not being broken”
He nodded as he began to unfasten his trousers and take them off.
“Oh my god” I exclaimed as my eyes focussed on the bruise on Zak’s side. It was massive. “I’m going to go get some ice for that.” I walked through into the kitchen and grabbed some oven chips out of the freezer, wrapped them in a dish towel and walked back through to the bathroom. Zak had disappeared. I lingered in the bathroom for a second, there was blood everywhere. The strong contrast between the white sink with the red blood made it even more alarming. I made a quick mental note to tidy this later and walked through into my bedroom. He was sprawled out all over the bed. I sat down beside him and put the bag of frozen chips up against his side. He jumped slightly at the cold to start with.
“Happy New Year” He said. I hadn’t even realised we hadn’t said that to each other yet and I had my heart set on a kiss exactly at midnight earlier on tonight.
“Happy New Year” I said, leaning forward and placing a soft kiss on a non-injured part of his cheek. “Go to sleep” I said quietly.
“Things won’t be any better when I wake up” He said matter-of-factly.
I nodded. “But right now there’s nothing we can do.” I said, watching him, close his eyes. I couldn’t help feeling slightly guilty.

I had been lost in my head for ages when I heard my phone begin to ring in the sitting room. I stood up and quietly tiptoed through, not wanting to wake a snoring Zak. I picked up my small clutch bag from where I had thrown it to earlier and took out my phone. It was my grandparents. I suddenly felt a pang of guilt, usually I call them on New Years. I clicked the green button as I walked back through into my room. It was too eerily quiet through here.
“Hello?”
“Hello and Happy New Year from your old Grandpa, I’m sure I’ll speak to you at some point tomorrow! As long as you’ve not had too much booze.”
“What’s wrong with now Grandpa?” I said.
“Agnes?!” I heard him shout to my gran. “This answering machine’s playing up!”
“Grandpa! It’s me. It’s not my answering machine!” I said, smiling slightly. “Happy New Year!” I said.
“Oh! I thought I’d get your answering machine! Your gran and me were sure you’d be out with that fella of yours and the rest of your friends” I turned round and looked at “my fella” lying there on top of the bed, the state of his cute little face that usually bears a cheeky grin, making me feel completely sick to my stomach.
“I wish you were right” I said.
“So how have you spent Hogmanay then?” I raked my brains for something acceptable to tell my grandparents. I was vaguely distracted by the painful sound of bagpipes obviously coming from their telly and even though I am the least patriotic Scottish person ever, I longed to be there at my grandparents like when I was younger watching the fireworks over Edinburgh Castle.
“It’s been dead quiet. Just going to my bed when you phoned actually” I said, even though the truth was far from it. I was about to clean up the blood that was splattered all over the bathroom.
“Okay then honey, I’ll just let you say Happy New Year to your gran and then you can go to your bed” My grandpa said. I must’ve sounded tired because usually if I told him I wasn’t out somewhere he’d tell me I was talking nonsense. “Come home and visit us soon. Maybe even bring that fella with you. Love you darling”
“I will” I said, confidently. “Love you too Grandpa”
“Happy New Year Sweetheart”
“Happy New Year Gran” I said, trying to sound upbeat. Aly had let slip that I’d been in hospital the other day - obviously she didn’t tell them the extent of it. Just said that I’d had a fall and bashed my head – but I didn’t want to give them any reason to worry about me. “What are you and grandpa doing tomorrow?” I said. Thinking about how I had spent the first day of every year – except last year and this year – at my grandparents; laughing as they fought over the most ridiculous things, helping my gran in the kitchen ... Zak groaned from the bed, alerting me back to the harsh reality of tonight’s events.
“Just having a few friends round for tea, that’s about it. I still think you should’ve come up!” So do I. “Jim and Rhea are dying to see you!” She said. Off she goes, my gran at her usual, filling me in on the life stories of people I don’t even know and people who are related to them. I wasn’t listening anymore, I was just sat there, placing the frozen chips back up against Zak’s side. I know it was most probably useless now but I had to do something.
“Right, better let you go. Your grandpa’s saying you were heading to your bed.” She said bringing me back to the conversation. “Speak to you soon”
“Speak to you soon” I said and the phone went dead. I sat it down on the bed side table and went back to watching Zak and getting lost, yet again, in my head.
--

People say that how you spend the first few hours of the year is a reflection of how you are going to spend the rest of the year, which is why the majority of people spend the time celebrating with family and friends. At this second I was hoping it wouldn’t be true for me, I was standing, alone, leaning against the table staring aimlessly out of the window of the flat. While the people I loved most were either far away, hurting or in some cases both. Once I’d helped Zak clean himself up and get into bed he’d crashed out. We’d barely spoken about anything that had happened tonight. Part of me wished that I was asleep too, simply because right now it was the only way of escaping my thoughts. I sat down on the couch and Rhys’s harsh words from earlier replaying through my mind. For Zak’s actions I could at least put part of the blame on the alcohol, cause he had had quite a few, but for Rhys there was no excuse.
My phone buzzed, causing me to jump out of my skin and I leaned forward and picked it up.

Natalie 3.48 am
Is Zak okay? Xxx

No Natalie, he is not okay; black eye, burst lip, bruises everywhere! He was back at work in a few days. Imagine what people will say when they see the sight of him. And he’s convinced he’s coming with me to the hospital in a few days as well … It was more than obvious that he had been involved in a fight; a stupid, immature, pathetic fight that wasn’t going to help anybody. Zak had thrown the first punch but Rhys had known exactly what to say to get to him. I mean, the jackets were off. He wanted Zak to hit him. My phone buzzed again as my head replayed Zak and Rhys rolling around in the snow fighting like children.

Archie 4.00 am
How’s Zak now? x

He’s asleep. I texted back instantly. It wasn’t until I read Archie’s message I realised, how had Natalie found out about Zak? Was it from Archie, or from Rhys? Archie and his mate, Steven, had helped separate Rhys and Zak. I have no idea in the slightest what happened to Rhys after the fight stopped. He stood there, watching as Archie, Zak and I walked away, anger still burning through him. I had no clue what happened after that point. It was then I realised how badly Zak was hurt, blood was pouring from both his nose and his lip and I had been in nurse mode since then. Gaby had gotten something from Rhys’ pocket and then completely buggered off without even looking back, not giving a fuck, now that she had what she wanted.
She hates my guts. I could feel it in the way she scowled at me. I know she has every right to be but the fact she had been speaking to Rhys but won’t speak to me is just … I have no words.
I am going to see her tomorrow. If she can speak to Rhys, she can speak to me!
I stood up to go through to bed before realising, Zak and I squished in a single bed when he’s all sore, is not the best idea. I argued and argued with Archie about how I should’ve taken him back to his own flat but Archie made me see sense that we needed to stop his nose gushing before he went anywhere else. I’m just scared that Rhys appears. I don’t want to witness anything like that again. The fact that Zak had had quite a bit to drink didn’t help matters though, he’s not the best at controlling his temper when he has had a drink. I decided I’d go through and sleep on my bedroom floor, that way I could keep an eye on Zak.

I had stolen the covers from Elliot’s bed – knowing he wasn’t coming back for at least another week so I would have time to wash his sheets before giving them back – and made a make shift bed on my bedroom floor. I had been lying here for what felt like hours, tossing and turning, replaying tonight’s events when my phone buzzed again. Vibrating on top of the table loudly, I jumped up off of the floor, grabbing it quickly so that it wouldn’t wake Zak. He stirred slightly but stayed asleep. Sleeping like a baby, with the face of a boxer.

Kris 4.49am
Is Zak alright?

Burst lip and bruises, he’ll live. How’s Gaby? I replied quickly expecting Kris’ usual quick response but it didn’t come. I stayed awake for a while, thinking that I was getting a detailed reply but absolutely nothing.

“Lorna?” Zak said softly, as he repetitively poked the side of my arm. Lovely wake up call. I lay there for a few minutes and Zak continued to be a nuisance. Without opening my eyes, I lifted my arm and pushed his hands away. I want to sleep!
“C’mon babe, get up!” I sleepily opened my eyes to see Zak standing above me and suddenly the events of last night came flooding back as I saw Zak’s black and blue face and swollen lip. “Do I have any clothes in here?” He asked. In here? Oh! Halls. I realised as I looked around the room.
“Top drawer, there’s underwear and a shirt” I yawned. “What time is it?”
“Almost midday” He said, looking at his phone. What?! “When did you go to sleep?”
“6” I said, sitting up.
“Why?”
“I was thinking”
“About?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” I said, rather harshly as I watched Zak put his top on. “Do you want any paracetamol or something? Might make your face hurt less?”
He nodded. “I can get it myself though” He said, walking out of my room. I picked my phone up off of the floor beside where I had slept; quite a few messages saying Happy New Year but nothing from Kris. That’s really odd. He always texts back! Especially if it’s about Gabs.
Gaby! I am going to see her today. I will. I’m going to be brave. If she can speak to Rhys, she can speak to me. I know what I did was wrong, but Rhys was and still is worse. I got up from the floor and looked through my wardrobe, pulling out jeans and a long fluffy cardigan. I quickly threw my clothes on and my hair up before walking out of my room. I walked up the hall to see Zak, eating a bowl of cereal.
“I’m going to see Gaby”
“What?” Zak said, sitting his spoon down. “Do you really think that’s a good idea?”
“Yes. I do” I said. “If she can speak to Rhys, she can speak to me”
“Okay.” He said, clearly not wanting to argue. “Do you want me to come with you?”
“No, it’s okay.” I said, “Thank you though.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes” I said, “I’m a big girl. I made the mistake. I need to attempt to put things right.” I continued as though reassuring myself. “On my own.”
“Okay.” He said. “Is anyone else in?”
“Archie should be.” I said. “I don’t know about anyone else.”
“I’m sure he’ll come round later.” He said.
“Yeah.” I said, pouring myself a drink of orange juice. I began to feel guilty about just taking things from the fridge before realising I am meant to live here.
Really need to stick to my resolution about sleeping here more often! I really, really will …

“Right” I said, as I pressed start on the washing machine. “I am going to go round to Gaby’s now” We had been back at Zak’s over an hour.
“Are you sure?” Zak said from the couch.
“Yes.” I said, confidently. “I’ll see you later” as I walked over to him to give him a kiss before remembering he’s all hurt. I bent down quickly and kissed him on that same unhurt spot on his cheek from last night.
It was freezing outside as I walked the short walk round to Gaby’s flat. I was thankful that for once I’d actually worn gloves and a scarf although the second I entered Gaby’s building I was like a turkey in the oven. I reached Gaby’s door quickly and took a breath before chapping the door. It wasn’t long until the door opened and Kris was stood at the other side.
“Oh, Hi” Kris said, clearly not expecting it to me on the other side of the door.
“Hi.” I said. “Is Gaby in?”
“She just went round to the shop” Kris said. “Do you want to talk to her?”
I nodded.
“Come in” He said, moving away from the door.
“Where’s Alicia?” I asked before hearing a small innocent giggle from near the couch.
“Hello Cutie” I said, walking over. She looked at me with her big blue eyes and looked happy to see me. How can Rhys say he loves her more. I picked her up and sat her on my knee. I started talking to her before realising that Kris was stood watching me with a silly smile on his face.
“What?” I said, almost laughing.
“I thought I was going to get some adult conversation for once but then I realised, it’s you”
I laughed.
“Do you want a drink?” Kris asked.
“Yes please” I said, only now realising how thirsty I was.
“What would you like?” Kris asked from the kitchen.
“Anything” I said, as I went back to talking to Alicia. It wasn’t long until Kris was back and handing me a glass of coke. “Thank you” I said, taking it. “So, how is Gaby? You didn’t reply to my text last night?” I started.
“What text?” Kris asked as he sat down on the sofa beside me.
“You text me, I replied, you didn’t” I explained, taking a sip of my drink and sitting it on top of a coaster on the table beside me.
“I’m sure I didn’t” He said. “What did I say?”
“You asked how Zak was?” I said.
Kris laughed slightly, “Are you sure I was texting you while I was asleep, why would I be asking how Zak was?”
“What?!” I said aloud in my confusion. Did Kris not know? “I thought Gaby had told you what had happened last night.”
“You saw her?” He asked.
“Yeah, walked out of the SU and Rhys and her were stood outside arguing.” I began, Kris’ eyebrows were already illustrating his confusion. “My lovely, slightly intoxicated boyfriend jumps to everyone’s defence, as he does, and ends up punching Rhys in the face, which led to a full blown fight” I continued, “concluding in Zak having both a burst nose and lip and various bruises everywhere. Rhys did not hold back.”
I turned round and looked at Kris who was still processing the information. “What happened?!” he said, looking for more explanation.
“Zak, Archie, Steven and Me-“ I began.
“Steven?”
“A mate of Archie’s from his tutorials” I explained. “We all walked out the SU and Rhys and Gaby were outside, arguing.”
“She went to see Rhys?” He asked.
“I don’t know. All I know is that when we got outside the SU, Zak went to Gaby’s defence so Rhys bit back, saying stuff about me and Zak lost it”
“What did he say?”
“Rhys said something about Zak would never understand how sorry he was, then Zak said something about of course not cause he would never do that and then Rhys said that I had and that Zak had managed to forgive me, Zak said nothing so Rhys said,” I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat, “that, everyone had only forgiven me because I got hurt afterwards”
Kris’ jaw dropped, “No wonder Zak punched him.”
“then from that point on they were just rolling about pounding each other.” I continued, not wanting to linger on what Rhys had said, “it was terrible”
“How did it stop?”
“Archie and Steven split it up. I took Zak back to halls, Archie came back with us for a bit.”
“What was Gaby doing?”
“She was gone.” I said. “Rhys and Zak were fighting and Gaby was doing something with Rhys’ jacket and then she just walked away.”
“Oh” was all that Kris said in response.
“Yup” I sighed. “How long ago did she leave?”
“She shook be back soon” Kris said, looking at his watch. It was then I heard a key fumbling in the door. Here we go …

Gaby's POV

One of the biggest mistakes of my evening was choosing to wear six inch heels in snow. Not only were my feet cold, but from all the rushing around I’d done tonight I was in more pain than ever before. Especially on my stupid ankle which still isn’t right after that “you broke it, oh no wait you didn’t!” fiasco.
I crouched down outside my front door, carefully picking my keys out of my bag and triple checking that what I’d just been given from Arrow was safely in the zip up pocket. Kris was going to kill me. It was almost twenty past midnight and I’d promised I’d be back before the ball dropped.
“I’m sorry.” I said immediately as I unlocked the door and pushed it open, “I’m really, really sorry. I didn’t know how busy it would be and got held up by, er, people.” I looked up from my apology and saw Kris standing and smiling with Alicia. The TV was on in the background showing the last of the fireworks erupting from the London Eye. I really had missed the whole show.
“What are you doing awake cheeky?” I completely changed my tone of voice to address Alicia who instantly leaned towards me.
“She started crying about five minutes before the countdown, so I took it as a sign and got her up rather than getting her back to sleep.” Kris said guiltily. A part of me felt annoyed. He didn’t understand her sleeping habit very well, and she’s not very good at going back to sleep when in her eyes it’s already morning. Alicia started to whine a little bit because I hadn’t instantly taken her from Kris. I looked into her beautiful little face. It was strange. Just a few hours ago, seeing that same yearning pout had made me feel nothing but a small amount of pity. Now it was literally making me feel so much love that I just want to cuddle her till she was the happiest baby in the entire world.
“Can you just hold her whilst I get changed? I’m so uncomfortable.” I said, looking at Kris who had started to follow her commands and was holding her out to me. He nodded, pulling her back and walking with her to the window so she could see the real life fireworks outside. The smile on her face was magnificent. I smiled at her reflection in the glass window, then turned towards my bedroom, the smile instantly slipping from my face.

-

“I think she’s back asleep again.” I said, yawning and closing my bedroom door behind me as I re-joined Kris in the front room. It was nearly 2. Alicia had thoroughly refused to go to bed earlier so I decided to let her play a bit – and then she fell asleep in the process of playing with a toy phone about half an hour ago so I thought enough was enough and took her to bed. She screamed a little bit, obviously deciding that playing with Mummy and Daddy is much better than sleeping, no matter how tired she was!
“Good.” Kris smiled at me. He looked absolutely knackered, lying on the sofa blankly staring at the tv. It was some programme about cooking that I’d never seen before. I settled myself onto the other sofa and pulled a blanket over my knees.
“So where did you go earlier?” Kris asked again, this time more sleepily. I traced two circles on my knees, each going in opposite directions, whilst I thought about how to answer him.
“I had to meet somebody. I really don’t want to talk about why, if that’s okay?” I looked up from my knees to see him staring at me. He blinked slowly then looked up at the telly again.
“Fine.”
“Sorry, it’s just –” I stopped. He hadn’t given me any reason to explain myself so I decided not to give any more away.
“Okay well I’m going to sleep.” Kris yawned, clearly a little bit pissed off with me. He pulled the blanket on his sofa over himself and rolled over so his back now faced me.
“Goodnight.” I said, turning the telly off and standing up. I went through to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water, then turned the light off and went back into the front room.
“Shall I turn the light off?” I whispered, unsure if Kris might have gone to sleep in the short space of time.
“Yes please.” He slurred back. I flicked the switch and noticed a small light coming from the floor below Kris’ feet. It was his phone showing the time. Careful not to spill my water, I knelt down and picked it up. I checked Kris hadn’t seen me, then walked with it through to my bedroom.
My lamp was on, like I’d left it, and I glanced over at Alicia who was still sound asleep in her cot. I closed my door silently behind me and placed my water on my bedside table. It had been bothering me all night. How was Zak? How was Rhys? Because even though he broke my heart into a thousand pieces I still love him. I still care about what happened to him. Even though it seemed like I didn’t care about either of them, choosing the drugs over their well-being, I really did. I just kept thinking that Archie was there. Lorna was there. That other guy was there. I wasn’t really going to do anything more by staying there. If anything all I’d have done is caused more trouble. I kept trying to convince myself that leaving was a good idea...
I picked up Kris’ phone, ready to do another spur of the moment decision. It took me a good few moments to realise why I couldn’t though. His phone kept flashing and I realised it was asking me for a pass code.
Crap. A pass code! Well, mine is 4 random digits so I didn’t really expect that I’d be able to guess Kris’ but I had a go anyway. I first tried his birthday. That wasn’t right. Then I embarrassingly tried my birthday. I didn’t really expect that to work. I sat thinking for a few minutes, just listening to Alicia’s breathing. Then it hit me. Alicia’s birthday!
It was right. 2607.
Now that I had broken in to Kris’ phone I didn’t really know what to do. My first thought was to text Zak, but then I remembered that Kris and Zak aren’t the closest anymore, and also that Zak might be too badly injured to answer. Then I thought of Archie. Archie might work.
I opened a text message and sat there for a few minutes. It was strange. I’ve received so many texts off of Kris but I just couldn’t think how he spoke. Especially to another man. Would he use a kiss? Would it be weird if I signed the text? I just didn’t know how to phrase it. In the end I opted for a simple, “Is Zak okay?” and clicked send. It was nearly twenty past two. I didn’t expect him to have gone to bed yet so stayed up for a few minutes to wait for his reply. I turned Kris’ phone on silent – in case it went off and he knew I’d stolen it – and the got myself under the covers to get more comfortable.

-
Alicia’s whining woke me up at some ungodly hour. The sun hadn’t risen and my eyes felt glued together. I fumbled around for the lamp switch and slid across my bed so I could see what was wrong. She wasn’t quite crying yet, but she was close, and I saw it was because her favourite teddy had slipped out of her reach. I pulled him back up to her face and turned her mobile on. Instantly her eyes started to close again as she felt more secure. I collapsed back onto my bed, turning the lamp off. I was about to close my eyes when I noticed the light from Kris’ phone which told me it was 4.46am. It was then that I remembered I’d text Archie. I must’ve fallen asleep waiting for a response. I looked to see what he’d said, sure he would have replied by now, but there was nothing. I frowned. That’s not like Archie. Maybe he just doesn’t text Kris back like he does for me. I don’t even know if Archie and Kris are very good friends. I know Kris was good friends with Zoe but I guess maybe that doesn’t run in the family.
I thought for a moment, wondering if maybe something bad had happened to Zak. Maybe something bad might have happened to Rhys. I needed to find out. There was only one person left to text, and it was the one person in the whole world I didn’t want to speak to.
Lorna.
She replied almost instantly. I was hoping for more information than that. I was hoping she’d at least mention whether Rhys was alright or not. From what I could see as I was walking away, Rhys was the one in the better position. He was the one causing the damage rather than receiving it... But that still doesn’t mean something didn’t happen when I was gone. Lorna also asked how I was. I cringed, wondering if her and Kris still had little discussions about me even though I hate her guts right now. I quickly deleted the texts and put the phone down on the side again. Only around 30 seconds must have passed when I decided that it would probably be best for me to put Kris’ phone back now rather than wait until morning when he’d have already been searching for it and I’d have to come up with a decent lie. By the time I got back to bed it was gone 5 and I fell asleep instantly.

-
The next day, the first of January, I was surprised to find that when I woke up it was close to midday and Alicia had been thoroughly sorted out by Kris. He decided that because I’d had a late night, and he’d heard her wake once or twice during the night, that he’d let me have a lie in for once, which was very much appreciated. I spent the first part of my day getting ready, contemplating what to do about the night before. It reached around 1 o clock when I decided I needed to text Rhys.
I was worried that I had no idea if he was okay. And, even though it killed me to say it, I still cared so much about him. I didn’t really expect Zak to have done much damage to Rhys and from what I could see it was Rhys who was issuing the worst poundings – but I still had to check.
Are you okay after last night?xxx
I felt sick as I sent the text, remembering every little thing he did to hurt me... But I needed to know. I needed to check that he was alright. My phone started buzzing almost immediately. I clicked it quickly, thinking it must be a text, then realised it was a call and I’d already answered it. Confused, I looked at who was calling and saw it was Rhys. I could hear his voice quietly on the other end, so placed it to me ear.
“Hello? Sorry, I didn’t realise I’d answered.”
“It’s okay.” He went quiet. I took a deep breath.
“So are you alright? Are you hurt?” I asked almost impatiently. I didn’t want to stay on the phone long.
“I’m okay. A couple of small bruises but I’m not too bad. I think Zak’s worse. I’m surprised you care anyway.” He said the last part bitterly. I ground my teeth together, trying my hardest not to snap back.
“Of course I care. It’s you that ruined my life, remember?” I said roughly. There was a long silence.
“I care about you.” He finally said.
“Funny way of showing it.” I said back quickly. It was so much easier to talk to him without having to see him. Knowing I could just end the conversation with a click of a button gave me such relief..
“Are you busy today?”
“I’m not seeing you.” I answered instantly. I didn’t refrain from using a sour tone of voice.
“I want to talk to you about last night.” He said quickly.
“That’s great.” I said sarcastically.
“I’m serious, Gaby. Where can I meet you? If you don’t arrange anywhere I’ll just come round to yours and I know Kris is there because I’m at halls.” He was threatening me.
“Is this some sort of blackmail?” I asked angrily.
“If it gets you to talk to me then yes.” Rhys replied. I clenched the phone in my hand, preparing to hang up.
“Fine.” I said sharply. “Fine!”
I looked behind me to check the door was closed and Kris couldn’t hear what I was saying.
“I’ll meet you at the park in about twenty minutes.” I said roughly, and then I put the phone down.

-

I was sat on an old tree stump watching Rhys slowly walk across the empty park towards me. There were no children here. Snow still covered the ground from last night. In random patches it had frozen over so was doubly slippy. The real reason I was sat on the tree stump was because I’d slipped and fallen on it, but that wasn’t the story I’d be telling anyone.
“Hey.” Rhys had reached me and sat on a log to my right.
“Hey.” I replied, folding my arms over and hunching over. Even though I was wearing my thickest coat I was still freezing.
“Look, I only said to Kris that I was going to the shop so I can’t be long... And I need to go to the shop or my whole cover is blown.” I said, not looking at Rhys’ face.
“Okay.” Rhys said slowly. “Do you want to go there now?”
“No. I’d rather argue out of the public eye.” I said, looking at him to scowl but I couldn’t do it. Instead I felt my face drop as I took in Rhys’ horrific features. One of Rhys’ eyes had a dark blue glow illuminating around it and his bottom lip was swollen. He also had a bruise on his chin and a small cut above his left eyebrow. Forgetting absolutely everything that had happened in the last week I quickly moved over to him and put a hand carefully over his cut. He flinched away.
“Shit, Rhys are you okay?” I asked, the worry clearly showing in my voice. He looked at me dead in the eye and I pulled my hand away from his face, taking a small step back.
“I’m fine. It’s Zak that’s hurt. Lorna and Archie had to carry him off.” He didn’t say it like he was proud. I sat myself back on my tree stump.
“It’s all my fault.” I said, more to myself than Rhys.
“No it isn’t, no one else would agree with you. It’s probably my fault for making snide comments.” Rhys said, shrugging. I looked at him.
“Why did you want me to meet you?” I asked slowly. I already knew his answer, and I already had a reply to any question he might throw at me. I’d carefully thought it out. I’d thought it out so well that I knew exactly how to say almost everything without technically lying.
“I want to know why you had drugs on you last night. I want to know what it exactly was and whether it was yours.” He said it slowly and looked me dead on in the eye.
“My friend gave it to me.” I replied without hesitation. He raised his eyebrows.
“What friend?”
“That’s none of your business.” I snapped quickly.
“Why did they give it to you?” He sounded furious and was giving me a look of loathing that I’m sure was really meant for my ‘friend’.
“Because I said I felt down. I didn’t use any of it though. Rhys you know what I’m like, when someone suggests I should do something I’m not the kind of person to refuse to their face.” I said my rehearsed speech. He seemed to believe it. “And I know that this friend is someone I should avoid from now on, if they’re going to be messing with drugs and trying to get me involved.”
I didn’t think he’d buy it. It sounded way too dramatised.
“So you didn’t ask for it or buy it or anything?” He asked looking confused.
“No, I didn’t buy it.” I said immediately.
“What’ve you done with it now?” He asked, automatically putting a hand towards his jacket pocket where the drugs had been a mere 13 and a half hours ago.
“I got rid of it.” I looked at the ground as I spoke. This was the part where I couldn’t help but lie. In truth, I hadn’t got rid of it at all. It was still waiting to be used at a later day, hidden in my flat. But I couldn’t tell anybody that. Rhys was quiet.
“Can I go now? I need to get to the shop and get stuff before Kris starts to get concerned...” I started to stand up as I spoke. Rhys stood up too.
“Wait.” He stood close to me but didn’t try to hold me in any way like I thought he was going to.
“I just wanted you to know that I really am so sorry for hurting you.” He said quietly. “You may never forgive me, but you need to know that I loved you a lot. I still do.”
“You just loved her too?” I said spitefully, feeling angry that he’d decided to do this now.
“No.” He shook his head looking annoyed. “No, I never loved Natalie. Natalie loved me but I didn’t love her. I don’t know what happened that made me ever sleep with her, but whatever it was it ruined the one thing that made me happy and that was me and you, together.” He paused. “I know it was all my fault. I know I’ll never have another chance. I just need you to know that you’re all that matters to me.”
I felt my eyes sting and willed myself not to break down now.
“I can’t listen to this without wanting to hurt you, Rhys.” I said, my jaw set.
“I know.” He looked at the floor.
“No you don’t. You’ll never know.” I replied. “You had the guts to act like I’d destroyed you when I slept with Kris one time because I was drunk...” I wanted to scream with frustration. “You slept with Natalie on and off for a year.” I stated the fact. I let it hang for a minute and then, realising I had nothing else to say or hear, I turned around and walked away. The tears started to drop one by one with every step I took.

-

I walked into the flat and pushed the door closed behind me. I was so lost in thought that I hadn’t realised just how hard I’d pushed it and jumped as it slammed closed. I looked up from the floor, about to apologise to Kris for being so loud but stopped myself just in time. I closed my mouth, my lips mashing together to form a hard line.
“What’s she doing here?” I asked, looking away from Lorna and directly into Kris’ eyes. He was stood just behind the sofa as though he’d rushed to meet me before I came in. Probably to warn me. Lorna was stood in the centre of the room holding Alicia.
“I came to talk to you.” Lorna answered. I acted like I hadn’t heard her and continued to look at Kris. I felt more betrayed than angry. Kris had been the person I’d vented to about everything Lorna did. He was the one who agreed with me, and now he’s sat her talking to her, inviting her into my home.
“Gaby, she’s just here to talk.” Kris said quietly, holding a hand up as though he expected me to blow up or something.
“I have nothing to say.” I said looking at Lorna now. “And I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.” I added before she could speak. She closed her mouth looking a little lost for words. I looked at Kris again. “Can you take Alicia off her please?”
“Gaby don’t be unreasonable, she’s just holding her.” Kris looked almost angry with me for suggesting it. I opened my eyes wide.
“Now, Kris!” I snapped, grinding my teeth together. I didn’t understand why Kris wasn’t on my side. I didn’t get why he hadn’t known I wouldn’t want to see her and just shoed her away... Kris stood rooted to the spot, looking at me as if he was checking to see how dangerous I was right now. I stared at him, daring him to dismiss me again. He opened his mouth to speak but before he could Lorna walked over to him and passed him Alicia. He mumbled an apology but she just shrugged and walked away, her hands folded across her chest.
“Gaby I think you should talk to her.” Kris said, trying to hold a squirming Alicia steadily. It made me angry that Alicia wanted Lorna.
“I don’t think so.” I said shaking my head. Lorna took a step closer to me and I stepped back towards the door.
“Please, Gabs. I need you to understand.” Her voice sounded unsteady.
“I already understand.” I snapped, dropping the bag of shopping on to the floor. It crashed loudly and made everyone jump. Lorna stayed quiet, watching me closely.
“Hear her out.” Kris said quietly. I looked at him with anger.
“I don’t want to hear her out, and if you think that I should then I don’t want you here either. Put Alicia down and both of you leave. Now.” I pointed towards the door. Kris let out a small laugh.
“I’m not leaving.” He protested, looking at me like I was crazy. He held Alicia a little more tightly.
“Me neither.” Lorna said, moving her feet so she stood more steady. I stared at both of them, anger pulsing through my veins worse than ever. I couldn’t decide what to do. Half of me wanted to just turn around and leave so that I didn’t have to deal with either of these two, but the other half didn’t want to leave Alicia. I stood debating with myself for a minute before deciding I couldn’t leave Alicia here with her.
“Fine.” I said angrily, walking past Lorna and Kris and sitting on the sofa. “Talk to me.” I looked her dead in the eye, hoping to intimidate her. Hoping to prove to her that no matter what she said now, I would never be able to forgive her.

Lorna's POV

“Guys don’t just sit there in silence” Kris said. “Talk to each other.”
I breathed in ready to explain myself whilst Gaby sighed rather irately, like she wanted to be anywhere else but here which she probably does.
I feel sick.
“I know you hate me. I don’t need you to tell me so. I just want to tell you my side of the story. I’m not trying to say that I did the right thing because I didn’t and I hadn’t realised until now.” I said, very quickly. “I found out in May. Natalie had come to me in the morning when I was getting ready to go to Liverpool with Zak for the day, talking about how she’d done something bad and asking for advice on how was she meant to tell “her”, she hadn’t used names. She asked me if she had had sex with Zak, would I want her to tell me and at that point I just laughed” I explained, remembering that part as I spoke. “I didn’t think anything of it. I thought she’d slept with someone from her lectures. Zak came in and told me to hurry up so Natalie ran off and said we could talk later. When we got back later on that night I went into Natalie’s room to get her and saw them together. I turned straight away and ran into my room and Natalie came chasing after me.” I continued. I looked at Gaby sat there on the couch, looking anywhere else but at me. Mature.
“We argued and she said she was definitely going to tell you, that she couldn’t do it anymore.” I carried on. “Life went on and they still hadn’t told you, every time we argued about it both of them had said they were going to, they kept claiming it would never happen again and I was so stupid and continued to believe that they honestly would tell you and then one day Natalie came to me crying about how they were over. That he loved you and not her and after that Rhys swore to me that he would never do anything to hurt you again and I stupidly believed him. I thought and thought and thought about it and decided that you and Kris had been together in the woods,” Both of them twitched at the mention of that which was at least a sign that they were listening. I was very aware that no one, apart from me had spoken in a long time. “you’d left for a month. The first few months of your relationship had been filled with so many ups and downs and this could be a new start for you both!” I continued. “I was so convinced that he loved you. You can’t fake real feelings. Which was what confused me the most. After that it didn’t come up again until I had slept with Kris. After that I really couldn’t understand how he was able to live with himself.” I said. “Then you had Alicia and you were so happy again and everyone wanted things to stay that way. And I was sure, so so so sure, that nothing was happening with them anymore. The next time I knew of anything happening between them was when I was in hospital and by that time you two had been at it again so I thought that was Rhys and you over and that no one needed to know, ever. In time you’d get over it just like we all do and that would be it but here we are and everything I was trying to avoid has happened and I’m lost.” I paused, unsure of how to continue.
“Bye” Gaby muttered.
“What?” I said, taken aback.
“You spoke. I listened. Now you can go” She waved smugly.
“Okay” I said, finding some confidence and turned to leave. “Bye Kris!” I said, walking over to him. “Bye Bye Chicken” I said, letting Alicia grab my finger as she reached out for me. “Bye Gabs” I said, waving confidently. I smiled. I saw the look of utter confusion on Gaby’s face. She wanted to see me sad. She wanted me to cry and I won’t. I love Gaby tonnes. She may not feel the same way right now but I WILL fix things. I turned to walk out of the door before turning instantly back round. Gaby was now looking at me, rather than avoiding me completely.
“As naïve as everyone thinks I am, I didn’t come round here today expecting us to hug and be the best of friends again instantly, whipping out the flake ice cream and Ribena and watching Hercules with Alicia - as good a day as that sounds! - I just came here so that you would listen. It’s not as bad as you think. I didn’t go around helping them in their seedy affair. I did what I did Gaby because I thought I was protecting you. I thought you finding out while you were pregnant would be disastrous and it terrified me. I know you’re sick of Zak, Kris and me being so over protective all the time but you need to understand it’s because we love you more than anyone! Well apart from maybe your mummy. I know you hate me right now but I will make us friends again. I hate how Kris and Zak are now – and I hate how that’s kind of my fault too – but I won’t let that happen to us. We’re better than them!” I said. “I know you’re more than angry and you have a right to be but don’t let Laby be ruined by a petty fallout where you ignore me like we’re only 12 years old!” I finished. Gaby just continued to watch me, her face showing absolutely no signs of what she was thinking.
“Bye” I said harshly, turning and walking out of the door. That went better than I thought …

As I walked down the stairs from Gaby’s flat, I pulled my phone out my pocket, I had 2 messages, one from Zak and one from Archie. I read message from Archie first
You NEED to come over, NOW …. Sounds serious.
And then Zak's:
I’m at halls with Arch. Come round when you’re done
Oh my god. That was before Archie’s message. Zak’s gone to halls. Rhys could be at halls. They’ve had another fight. They must have had another fight. Archie wouldn’t have been able to split it up on his own. No one else would be there to help. Oh god. I started to ring Zak straight away.
“Hello” He said, sounding perfectly normal.
“You’re alive!” I said, sounding thankful.
“Yeah.” Zak said sort of laughing. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because you’ve gone to halls! And Rhys could be there and then Archie said that I needed to come to halls NOW!” I said, quickly. “So, I’d panicked and thought that you and Rhys had been fighting again.”
“Well we were”
“Oh my god!” I whispered, quickening my pace as I left Gaby’s block of flats.
“But not physically.” He finished.
“Thank god!” I said, breathing a sigh of relief. “So, why does Archie need me so suddenly?”
“He’s met someone” Zak said. I laughed, after my original panic this seemed so silly.
“And that’s such an emergency because?”
“He’s convinced he’s in love and has no way to contact her”
“Oh no” I said. “Did she leave him in bed?” I said, if the conversation kept going on like this I could be filled in before I’d even reached halls.
“Nope. He didn’t sleep with her”
“What?!” I burst loudly, making a poor old man walking up the street near me jump.
“Archie says you don’t have to be so surprised”
“Well that’s what he does though! One night stands!”
“Well this Carly girl wasn’t the type who would be up for that because she is the best person in the world” Zak said, faking enthusiasm. He was clearly fed up with Archie already and he can’t have been there long, I was at Gaby’s for barely any length of time.
“What’s she like?” I asked, curiously. This is such an unlike Archie thing to say, so she must be special.
“He’ll tell you when he get here, he says.” Zak said. “How did things go with Gaby?”
“I spoke. She listened. I left” I said.
“Bad then”
“Not really, to start with she honestly looked like she was going to kill me so I guess it’s something that she let me speak without screaming at me”
“Oh”
“It was really bad when she first came back” I continued, rethinking about it. “She freaked beca”
“Where was she?” Zak butt in.
“The shop” I explained. “Why does it matter?”
“Just something Rhys said.” Zak muttered, “What were you saying before?”
“She freaked because I was holding Alicia then she like commanded that Kris take her off of me. It was so stupid”
“That’s weird.” He said, sounding if he was preoccupied about what was going on in his own head. “Where are you now?”
“At the cross roads” I explained, as I checked for traffic before crossing.
“You’ll be here soon then” He said.
“I will so” I said, “I’m wasting all my minutes talking to you”
“Wasting?!” Zak said, pretending he was offended.
“Yes. Wasting!”
“Whatever.” He said. “You’ve missed me.”
“Dude, we’ve been apart for just over an hour!” I laughed.
“Is that it?” He asked seriously.
“Ha! You’ve clearly missed me then. If it’s felt sooooo much longer.” I replied, amused.
“It’s probably listening to Archie for this long” Zak said. I heard Archie get defensive in the background which made me smile. “What’s he doing?”
“He’s trying to find her on Facebook” He said. I laughed.
“Right, I’m at the bottom of the stairs so. Goodbye! I’ll miss you so much in the next 20 seconds that it takes me to climb to the 2nd floor!” I laughed.
“See yha” He said. I hung up the phone and shoved it in my pocket and opened the door to go inside.
I started to climb the stairs when I felt my phone buzz with a text message and I smiled instantly, thinking it would be Zak making some joke but it wasn’t. It was a random number I hadn’t seen before.
From Shield Medical Practice: Just a reminder of your appointment at 10am on January 2nd
When did Doctors practices get so high tech?! Can’t believe as well as going to the hospital in a few days, I have to go there tomorrow as well. A medication review before going through, yet again, what I’m getting done at the hospital. I still need to tell Zak about that, better do it sooner than later. It’s a new year. No more secrets. No more lies. I sighed, as I continued to climb the stairs. I’m fed up with pills. I’m fed up with Doctors appointments. I’m fed up with it all.
I walked in to the flat, Zak sprawled across the couch clearly feeling sorry for himself and Archie was sat at the work top on his laptop, obviously still looking for this girl on Facebook. Oh, Archie.
“Hellloooooo” I sang, trying to put on a happy face as I walked into the sitting room. Zak sat up when he heard me and gave me a look telling me he wanted out of here. Might as well get it over with.
“Zak, Can I talk to you?” I said quietly.
“Sure” Zak said, standing up instantly.
“Why can’t I hear?!” Archie moaned, like a child when their parents were trying to have a private discussion.
I walked through into my bedroom with Zak closely behind. I closed the door after him.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, sort of worried.
“You know I’ve got my hospital appointment on the 4th right?”
“Of course and I’ll be there.” He smiled supportively.
I breathed in, mentally preparing myself. I should’ve just told him at the time. I really hope this doesn’t cause a fight. “It’s not just a hospital appointment.” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s sort of surgery”
“What do you mean ‘sort of surgery’?” He asked. I could tell he was trying so hard not to get angry at me but telling Zak about it just makes it seem more real and means it actually is happening.
“It’s not an operation or anything. It’s just a procedure.” I said, calmly. “It’s called a hyst-” I paused, before leaning forward and getting the leaflets I was given last time out of my bedside cabinet. “A hysteroscopy.”
“I’m not a doctor” Zak said impatiently. He’s not happy.
“Basically they give me a local anaesthetic, then put some gas in” I paused, awkwardly, unsure of how to phrase what I was saying, “into my womb to make it bigger, then sometimes but not always they put some dye in, to make the scars – if there are any – more obvious. They’ve basically told me though that there will be. Then they put a camera in and look about to see how bad the scarring is and with the scarring they’ll be able to tell me how likely it is that I’ll be able to have babies.” I paused, “The Doctor I saw last time wasn’t very positive about it. That’s how I came home filled with talk of having a Hysterectomy done, as if the scarring is so deep that it’s irreparable then the doctor believes that that would be the safest option to save me from going through the pain and stress of miscarriages.”
“How did you get these scars?” He asked again.
I breathed in preparing myself. “The process they used after my miscarriage to get rid of-“ I stopped and Zak just nodded.
“So how long does this procedure take?”
“Not very long” I said. “About 20 minutes. I’ll get home straight away.”
“So, why are you being so secretive about it?” He asked.
“Because right now, everyone thinks that I just can’t have kids. It’s bad enough getting my own hopes up without telling everyone and then having to come back here to lots of questions and me getting myself even more upset having to explain. It’s better if no one else knows.”
“Okay” He said, obviously agreeing with my reasons behind it. “Are there any risks?”
“There are 2 but they’re easily fixed and extremely unlikely to happen.” I said.
“Why couldn’t you just have explained this, after your last Doctors appointment?” Zak asked, taking the leaflets off of me and looking at them.
“Right now it’s a “you probably can’t have children.” In a few days, it could be a “you definitely can’t have children”.” I sighed. “You know how I feel about it, we’ve discussed it so many times. I want to have a family so much Zak. Please don’t get into this conversation again” I said sadly.
“I know”
“I don’t think you understand how much.” I said, shaking my head. Zak moved beside me and put his around me. My eyes welled up instantly. We sat there in silence for minutes before, surprisingly, I laughed. “I’m 20 years old, still act like a kid and look at me, sat here taking about such grown up stuff! When did I get so old!” Zak smiled at me. “Right, let’s go and help Archie find this Carly on Facebook” quickly changing the subject as I stood up and opened my bedroom door. Archie was sat at his kitchen work top quickly typing, looking as though his mind had drifted to a completely different planet.
“Found her yet?”
“No.” he replied bluntly.
“Does she go here?” I asked. Detective hat, on.
“Yes” He replied. “I don’t know how I haven’t noticed her before.”
“What does she do?”
“Nursing” He answered straight away. My eyes widened slightly at the fact this was proof that Archie had actually had a proper conversation with a girl and even remembered what they’d spoken about.
“What years she in?”
“She said she was 20” He said. “So 3rd, but I guess she could’ve taken a gap year like you and Rhys”
“Oooh, an older woman” I teased. “Do you know anything else about her?”
“She lives in halls in flat 104”
“What?!” Me and Zak both chorused at the same time.
“What?” Archie said.
“She lives next door!! You’ve just wasted HOURS of life pining over a girl, panicking because you couldn’t find her and she lives NEXT DOOR!”
“She does?!”
“104 comes right before 105, mate” Zak laughed. How have we not met her before?! Archie stood up and walked to the front door of the flat, opened it, took a breath in preparation, a confident step out of the door … before slouching and walking backwards.
“What do I say?!” Archie said. “If I added her on Facebook and she accepted then I’d at least know she liked me!
I laughed. “Just go through, chap the door and say ‘Hi, is Carly in?’, if she comes to the door, avoid your cheesy lines, say you had a nice time last night and ask if she wants to do something.”
“Right” Archie said, his eyes focussed on the door. I had never seen Archie nervous about talking to a girl, ever. “Right.”
Zak and I watched, waiting on Archie to leave but nothing. He stood there staring aimlessly at the door. “What if she’s not in?”
“Just say ‘okay, can you tell her Archie from last night was wondering if she wants to do something tomorrow’ okay?”
“Okay.” He said but still didn’t move a muscle. “What did you 2 do when you got together?”
Zak and I looked at each other and laughed.
“How do you not know this story?” I smirked.
“I don’t know. You two have always been like a two headed monster the whole time I’ve been here.”
“We drunkenly kissed” I said.
“Then a few days later we drunkenly fuc-” Zak said.
“You could’ve been nicer about phrasing it!” I interrupted.
“Well that’s what happened.”
"True"
Archie turned to face me, with a serious look on his face, “You mean to say you keep telling me one night stands are a bad thing and that’s how you and Zak got together?”
“No!” I said. “Me and Zak had been friends for months before we did that! It’s not as if I found Zak at the SU, spoke to him for 5 minutes and brought him back and bedded him!!”
“It’s the same!”
“It’s not!” I argued back.
“You’re just trying to defend your own slutiness!” Archie laughed.
“Am not!”
“Are so!”
“Am not!”
“Are so!”
“STOP! Zak said. Someone’s easily irritated today. “Archie, go speak to Cara!”
“Carly!” Me and Archie said in unison.
“Whatever!” Zak said. “It’s Archie, I doubt it will last.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about” Archie said, he seemed serious, no longer hiding behind his sleazy act.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with the same girl more than once!” Zak laughed.
“I’ve known you less than a year!” Archie said.
“Yeah because before you came here you had serious relationships rather than one night stands.” Zak said, as though the idea seemed complete nonsense.
It was obvious Archie was getting very wound up by what was saying. I placed my hand on Zak’s shoulder and he looked up at me. Shut up. I said in my head, hoping he’d get the message.
“I was engaged actually.” Archie said, quietly.
“What?!” I exclaimed loudly whilst Zak laughed clearly still thinking this was all a joke.
“Fuck off Zak!” Archie said harshly before, storming out of the front door of the flat and slamming it behind him.
“At the rate we’re going at right now we’re going to have no friends left except each other” I said, about to laugh before realising it really wasn’t funny.
“You don’t think he’s serious though”
“I’m pretty sure he is.” I said. Still trying to process that not only had Archie actually been in a serious relationship, he’d been engaged?! So many questions started forming in my head. What the girls name is?! How long had they been together?! How long did the engagement last who broke it off?! From how hurt Archie looked, it most probably wasn’t him. God. It explains why he’s such a sleaze, someone messed him up. I really want to talk to Archie about it but asking about it was wrong. If someone asked me about my relationship past, I’d be extremely reluctant to talk about it. My romantic past sounds like something off of Jeremy Kyle with my sister having my boyfriend’s baby and the rest.
“Well” Zak huffed.
“What is up with you today?!” I snapped back. He didn’t reply, just shrugged grumpily. I looked around halls looking for something to do, my room was tidy, well tidier than it’s usual state, the dishes were done. It was eerily quiet with Elliot and Cameron not being back yet. Natalie and Rhys hiding away, ashamed of themselves.
“What did Rhys say to you earlier?”
“Nothing” Zak snapped back.
“Did he not apologise?”
“No.” Zak laughed, as if the thought was ridiculous. “I threw the first punch, which is funny since I’ve ended up much worse off than him”
“Which is good!”
“Good?” Zak asked, sounding slightly hurt, I just realised how he’d have taken that.
“No, that’s not what I meant. I just mean it proves you’re a nicer guy than he is. You were at least drunk. He was just acting like a monster with no excuse.” I explained, sitting fown beside him and resting my head on his shoulder. Zak said nothing.
“When are you back at work?” I asked, I already knew the answer but I wanted to change the subject. After last nights festivities it was clear Zak wasn’t in the best mood today.
“The 5th” He said. “Got an afternoon shift though so I’m not in till half 12” He explained, sounding pleased at the thought of a lie in.
“Wooooo” I said, feigning enthusiasm. “I should probably go see Steph see if I can get my shifts back. She told me I could come back whenever I was fit enough. I’m okay now”
“No.” Zak said forcefully.
“I’m fine!” I said defensively. I’m not brilliant but I am slowly but surely getting better.
“Give it a few more weeks babe” He pleaded.
“Whhhyyy?!” I whined. “You’ll go back to work and I’ll be bored. As I said earlier, we practically have no friends left!”
Zak sighed. “When does everyone go back to lectures?”
“The 14th, I think” I said. Well that's when I go back, I remember Natalie bragging to me about how she was only actually in 3 days a week this semester. I don’t think I’ve even got any days off this year. I still don’t even know that this is what I want to do. Trust me to get well over a year into the course before changing my mind. I won’t even get a summer this year cause I’ll have to re-sit stuff, due to the drama of last semester and me spending the majority of it in hospital. I don’t know if I can even be bothered.
“What are you thinking about?” Zak asked, taking my hand. I hadn’t even realised we’d fallen into silence just sat there on the couch in halls.
“About Natalie” I lied. “She text me last night and I didn’t text her back.”
“What’d she text you about?”
“Asking how you were.” I said, looking up at his black and blue face which is still getting worse rather than better.
“Oh” Zak said, sounding almost surprised that Natalie cared. They used to be so close. I wonder if Zak noticed that it was when Natalie started sleeping with Rhys they started to drift apart or maybe he just thought it was because of the amount of time we spend together that they weren't as close anymore.
“I feel bad.” I muttered. “I’ve barely seen her since this came out.” I almost admire her really, for staying here rather than running away back home.
“Me either” Zak said.
“Well duh!” I laughed, rolling my eyes.
“What?” Zak asked confused.
“If I’ve not seen her then neither have you!” I said. “2 headed monster and all that”
“I suppose” Zak responded. Then we fell back into silence. Today is going to be a very long day ...

Gaby's POV

My eyes peeled open. It was the 4th of January. 3 days had been and gone since Lorna was here making up lame excuses. I had a headache. Alicia was making noises from her cot next to me but I couldn’t be bothered getting up and sorting her out. I glanced at the clock on the wall and saw it was nearly 9am. The last thing I remember is it being 2am and Arrow being in my living room. I don’t remember coming to bed and I don’t even remember him leaving. I took a deep breath in and regretted it instantly. My nose burned. I forgot that feeling. My eyes filled with water and I sat up hoping that would stop the pain some how. It helped a little bit, but not much. Alicia saw that I was up and started making giddy, excited noises. I smiled at her. With every breath I took the pain got a little less intense.
“Morning sunshine.” I said, my voice croaky. She smiled more at me, kicking her feet excitedly. I stretched and grabbed my phone, checking to see if I’d missed anything. I had 4 texts.
Two were from Arrow.

Az (4:32am)
You never fail to surprise me.

Az (8:19am)
I left my stuff at yours

I jumped up out of bed and walked into my front room, swaying a little bit as I did because I stood up way too fast and I drank and took way too much shit last night. Alicia complained a little bit about me leaving her but I didn’t care. The sight of my front room made me want to throw up. There were beer cans scattered across my coffee table and a few littering the floor. A bottle of vodka, half drunk, sat next to the couch leg. White powder was clearly visible against the dark oak of my small side table. I got a small flashback of me kneeling next to is and Arrow laughing at me. I rushed over to that and quickly wiped it into my hand and walked towards the kitchen sink, washing it away in the water. There was only a small amount there. It wasn’t worth anything. It was just clues for if Kris or anybody else came round today. I continued looking around at the disaster that was now my front room. What looked like used, home made cigarettes were discarded in an old Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream pot we’d used as a makeshift ash tray. Clear plastic wrappings were on my sofa. I don’t even know what they were from. Arrow’s empty pizza box lay empty on the floor. I hadn’t touched any of that. I groaned, looking at the mess and begging that Kris didn’t come round now. I could still smell weed.
I turned around and walked back into my room, giving Alicia a toy to play with in her cot whilst I tried to sort out some of the mess. There was no way she could play in the living room till I’d scrubbed every surface and hoovered the floor. What if she got her hands on something? I couldn’t bare to think what could happen to her.
It took me almost half an hour to pick up rubbish, clean all the tables and hoover the floor. In the process I found Arrow’s stuff. It was two small plastic bags, one filled with white powdered cocaine and the other filled with small crystals that I recognised as being crack. He’d tried to get me to use that last night instead of just weed, but from what I can remember I refused. However, if my phone records are right, he didn’t leave till probably around 4 and I can’t remember much past 2...
I threw open the two windows I had in my front room and ran around with air freshener and carpet freshener. By the time I’d completely finished it was quarter to 10 and I still hadn’t even given Alicia any breakfast.
I could hear her quite happily babbling to herself but I still felt like the worst Mother in the world right now. I couldn’t think what the hell went through my head last night. Alicia was in the next room. I was clearly out of it. How the hell could I have been such a fool? I swore to myself right then that I wasn’t going to touch any of that stuff ever again. Alicia meant more to me than having a bit of fun.

It was only as I was walking back through to get Alicia that I remembered I had two more texts on my phone. I quickly hid Arrow’s stuff in my desk drawer and jumped onto my bed to check who they were from.

Kris (4:05am)
I don’t know. Why are you up? It’s 4am.

I paused and scrolled up, looking to see what I had said to him that caused that response. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that, even though my spelling wasn’t brilliant, I hadn’t said anything stupid. I just asked what the name of some drink I’d had one time when I was out with him was. I knew the one I was talking about. It was bright green and fizzy, and I’m pretty sure it was called Skittles. I was a little surprised to see that he didn’t care why I was asking that though. Maybe he was just tired and I’d woken him up. Usually if I mention anything like that when I’m alone with Alicia he jumps to the worst – especially now after everything with Rhys. I suppose last night if he’d done that he’d have had a valid reason to be worried. Ironic, really, that last night was the only time he didn’t care.
I looked to see what the other message was.

Luke (8:45am)
Can I come to yours today? Need to see you x

I frowned at that one. Clearly this was probably the reason I woke up so early. Why does Luke need to see me? He’s usually the kind of person that tags along with someone else when they’re coming round, not makes plans by himself. I bit my lip, thinking about the only reason why he might want to talk to me. Arrow. They’re old friends. He might’ve told Luke that he’d been to mine, or sold stuff to me. I groaned loudly. Alicia squeaked from next to me.
Yeah, sure. Come whenever, I’m up now x
I took a deep breath in, wondering how dreadful today was going to be.

-

“Hey, what’s up? You sounded pretty intense on the ph- yup, okay. That’s fine, just walk right in.” I stood at the door and watched as Luke walked briskly into my room seeming to contemplate something. He then turned to me and smiled, showing his perfect pearly whites.
“How are you?” He asked. I was a little taken aback by his sudden change in attitude. I closed the door slowly.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Are you?” I walked over to him. He was stood awkwardly between the sofa and dining table. As soon as I spoke he started pacing a couple of steps, his hand on his head.
“So, I ran into Arrow.” He said, completely ignoring my question. I felt my heart falter a little bit.
“Oh.” I said quietly.
“Yeah. Oh.” Luke replied, looking me dead in the eye. I didn’t know what to do. I was silent for a second and then looked at the floor, making a stupid decision.
“Who’s Arrow again?” I asked, pretty dumbly. I saw his head turn back to me sharply. At first I thought he was going to shout at me, but then I was completely taken by surprise.
“You know, the guy that asked me for money in the CSU last week?” His face softened and I saw that he was relaxing. Clearly my lie was convincing... Finally! That never happens.
“Oh! Right. What about him?” I asked trying to continue with the charade. Luke walked around and sat on the sofa next to Alicia’s highchair. She was sat in there playing with a toy whilst her porridge cooled down.
“I’m just worried. I ran into him yesterday and... he mentioned you.” Luke took a deep breath.
“Me? Why?”
“Well I don’t know. I haven’t known him to ever have a decent relationship with a girl. He’s obviously had brief flings and stuff, but the way he brought your name up was weird, Gaby, and it scared me. Arrow is not someone you should mess with. So if he contacts you please don’t show any interest.” Luke actually looked frightened, and as he spoke he kept glancing towards the door as though he expected Arrow to barge in right then. My phone vibrated next to me and I flipped it over just in case it did happen to be a text from him.
“I’m not stupid, Luke. I know a bad guy when I see one.” I said rolling my eyes.
“No, Gabs. Arrow isn’t a bad guy, he’s just messed up big time in life.” He said, shaking his head and looking at the floor. There was a long silence where he seemed to be lost in old memories... then Alicia’s whine interrupted him. He looked at me again.
“Just promise me that if he somehow gets in contact with you, you won’t see him? No matter what he says.”
I stared at him, not sure how to answer. His face seemed full of emotion. Worry, stress – maybe even some sort of pain. I couldn’t be sure. I didn’t know Luke extremely well. He wasn’t exactly the kind of person I would trust enough to tell all my secrets to. But then again, he’s the only person in Chester who does know my secrets. Not all of them, but most.
“I promise.” I said, hoping that for the third time he wouldn’t be able to see through my lie.

-
There were three short raps on my door. It was just past 6 o clock and apart from briefly seeing Luke earlier I hadn’t seen or spoken to anyone else all day - except Alicia. I stood up and pulled the door open, expecting it to be Kris. Instead I found myself face to face with Arrow.
“Oh.” I said, confused. I hadn’t invited him around. He’d text me earlier saying he’d pick his stuff up tomorrow... I must’ve had a weird look on my face because his naturally serious expression had changed into one of amusement.
“Expecting someone?” He asked, smirking. It was then I noticed how awful he looked. His eyes were bloodshot and he had the biggest shadows surrounding them. I wouldn’t be surprised if he told me he hadn’t slept in a year.
“Well – not you.” I said cockily as he strode in. He sat at my dining table, a weird experience for guests in my house. I never use that table. “Did you sleep at all last night?” I asked raising my eyebrows and pulling a chair out so I could join him.
“Couple of hours maybe. You can’t have had much more?” He said back, still smiling.
“No. But I’m used to it.” I said, nodding towards Alicia who was lying on her play mat and chewing on a plastic animal toy. Arrow followed my gaze and the smile dropped from his face.
“So, I’ve got to be quick.” He said pulling something out of his pocket.
“With what? What are you doing?” I stood up as he did. He pushed the small glass bowl that I sometimes put my keys in over to the far end of the table and flattened a skin on the wood. I raised my eyebrows, thinking that everything he just did was a little too dramatic for just rolling some weed, but then he handed me a small plastic bag of cocaine.
“No. I can’t tonight. I have Alicia.” I said, pushing it back into his hand. He looked up from what he was doing, almost completely finished rolling the joint already he must’ve done it that many times.
“So? That didn’t stop you last night.”
“Yeah, well I realised I was an absolute idiot last night.” I said, putting the coke on the table as he refused to accept me giving it him back.
“Well, I’m guessing she has a Dad? Can’t he have her?” He said rather roughly. I glared at him.
“And what am I exactly supposed to ask? She can’t stay anywhere else, Arrow, and you can’t expect me to stay anywhere else.” I snapped. “And I can’t exactly say to Kris I’m off to get stoned just for the shits and giggles. He would kill me!”
Arrow laughed and bent back down, starting to make the second joint now.
“Well, we won’t do the coke now then. Just these?” He handed me the first joint and I bit my lip.
“I don’t know, Arrow...” I looked at Alicia again.
“This won’t even last more than 20 minutes, Gaby. Can’t you just stick her in her cot and leave her for 20 minutes?” He asked. I looked at the clock. It was close to half 6 now. I suppose she might just go straight to sleep.
“Alright, but let me get her properly sorted for bed first.”

-

Someone was knocking on my front door and it hurt my head. I pulled what I assumed was my duvet over my head but stopped when I felt a stronger force tug it back.
My eyes snapped open.
I was lying in the middle of the floor in my front room. What I assumed was a duvet was in fact my thick, but rather small blanket. And what tugged it back was Arrow. I swore loudly and heard him groan from next to me. Brilliant.
The knocking sounded again. I jumped up, pulling my jeans on as I went and quickly tying my hair into a bun. I then pulled my t shirt back on and stumbled over to open the door a crack.
“Rhys?” I was confused, but I still didn’t open the door wide enough for him to see any further inside than me.
“Are you okay?” He asked, giving me a strange look. I noticed his bruises had gone down considerably since the last time I saw him.
“Yeah. I’m just really tired. What time is it?” I asked, yawning.
“Almost half 10. I assumed you’d probably still be up.”
“Right.” I said, too tired to even think about what I was saying. It was only half 10. Why is everything that happened these last few hours such a blur?
“Can I come in?”
“No.” I answered way too quickly. He raised his eyebrows. I tried to make my face look stern. “I don’t want you here, Rhys.” I said, frowning. Even though it would probably be the truth on any other day, right now I couldn’t care less. I was more bothered about the weird burning sensation in my nose and the fact I felt like I might pass out from exhaustion.
“I know, Gabs. I just want to talk to you.” He said, trying to push his way in but I somehow gained a whole load of strength and pushed him back out. I don’t think he saw anything. His eyes didn’t leave my face.
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay? I’m too tired to even understand what’s going on right now.” I said starting to close the door.
“Really?” He seemed almost shocked.
“Yeah. Just text me or something.” I said, yawning again and shutting the door behind him. It was at that moment I was thrilled no one like Kris or Lorna was here to shout at me for treating Rhys like a regular human being.

I turned back to the front room, trying to make sense of what I was seeing. The room looked quite similar to how it did this morning, yet this time Arrow was lying in the middle of the room, hardly covered by a blanket. He was awake and I could see through the dim light that he looked disorientated.
“That was fun, we should do it again sometime.” I said sarcastically, walking around and sitting on my sofa. Arrow stretched a hand out behind him and flicked the lamp off so that the only source of light we had came from the street.
“That’s what you said last night.” He said, almost bored. I sat up sharp.
“What? Last night?”
He laughed this time.
“Knew you were out of it.” He muttered, yawning. He stood up and stretched as I sat there feeling almost physically sick with myself. I don’t remember the last time I couldn’t remember doing something as big as that.
“You going?” I asked, really not that bothered. I was more in the mood to just sleep than have him there keeping me awake.
“Yeah. I was supposed to do something hours ago. Get me the stuff I left here yesterday.” He said it like a demand. I stood up slowly, hoping that it showed I wasn’t just going to follow his every order, but this time I kind of wanted that stuff out of my house. I quietly went into my room, glancing at Alicia as I did so. She was sound asleep, her breathing deep and even. I sighed with relief to see that she was okay. She wasn’t hurt. I hadn’t done anything too stupid.
“Here you go.” I said a minute later, handing Arrow the stuff he’d left yesterday. He took it in his hand and put it in the pocket of the jacket he’d just shrugged on. Then, without any warning, he grabbed me by the waist and kissed me hard. It wasn’t anything meaningful. It was just an explosive kiss that I chose not to stop. Why bother? It’s all just a bit of fun.
He pulled away, giving me a look I’d never seen before and then leaned in to whisper in my ear.
“See you around.” He muttered before turning and walking out of my flat. I collapsed on my sofa, head spinning, mind racing.

Lorna's POV

I’m walking to MOBSs. I am just walking to MOBSs. I’m going to meet Zak. That’s all. We’re not going to the hospital to get scary tests done with even scarier results. No. It’s fine. It’ll be a fantastic day. My head was in overdrive. I just want to go back to bed.
It’s 20 to 10. I text Zak this morning saying I’d meet him at mobs at 10. I actually slept in my bed at halls last night, on my own. Archie had teased me about it all morning, saying that I deserved a trophy. I’d left a bit earlier than I needed to so that I could speak to Steph and see when she wants me to come back, IF she wants me to come back. As much as I complain about it when I’m there, I genuinely have missed work.
“Hello!” I sang happily as I walked into MOBs.
“Lorna!” Steph beamed, walking over to me and giving me a hug. “You look great!”
“Thanks!” I laughed. I forget how terrible I must’ve looked in the hospital. Tom and Steph came to visit a few times whilst I was trapped. It was good. My little work family! “How are you?” She asked.
“I’m good thanks” I said, forcing a smile. I was hardly going to say, well Steph I’m going to the hospital and I am terrified! “How are you? And Tom” I asked looking around for him. “Where is he?”
“He’s gone to the Wholesalers with Adam”
“Adam? New boyfriend?” I asked, picking up a banana and chopping it for Steph. Really wanted to eat a bit but I’ve been told several times, “no eating for 12 hours before the procedure”. I miss breakfast!
“New member of staff!!” She explained, as she dropped one of the blenders into the sink. “He’s lovely! I’m sure you’ll get on brilliantly when you come back. Same as Gracie”
“How many new staff did you hire?!” I laughed. It’s like going back to school when you’ve been off sick and you’ve missed out on lots of gossip. “Did you have to fill the Lorna void?! Bet it’s been quiet!”
“It has!” She frowned. “Just Adam and Gracie” she smiled.
“Are you sure you can still keep me on?” I asked, jealous at how much she seemed to like her new staff.
“Don’t be ridiculous!” Steph laughed. “You may have been off for a few months but you’re still my favourite”
“Aw!” I beamed. Putting the banana I just chopped into the blender.
“When do you want to start back?” She asked, looking at the rota.
“Well!” I began. “I’d love to start back tomorrow but Zak-”
“What about Zak?” Zak asked walking up behind me.
I turned round and smiled innocently at him. He smirked.
“We’ll see what the doctors say later on.” He said. I don’t know why he was so against me going back to work. It’s MOBs! It’s not exactly strenuous.
“Doctors?” Steph asked, concerned.
“Just a check-up” I said quickly.
“Oh, Okay” she smiled, going back to the sink.
“We better get going actually” I said, quickly looking at my watch. “I shall be back tomorrow!” I said. Zak just gave me a look. I don’t even understand what it was meant to say.
“Okay” Steph says. “Hope they say you can”
“I can what?” I asked, confused. She didn’t know why I was going? Right? I was sure I didn’t tell anyone. What’s the point in getting people’s hopes up for bad news. I don’t want people pitying me, all over again.
“Come back to work” She said, as though I was stupid. Oh! “I miss you!”
“Aw! I miss you too!” I said, waving as I walked away. “Tell Tom I miss him too!”
“I will” Steph said going back to work as Zak and I walked away.
“Good morning Zakky!” I said, taking his hand as we walked to the bus stop. “Your face looks so much better today!”
“I know” He replied, seeming happy that the swelling and bruising was eventually starting to go down. It can’t have been that noticeable because Steph hadn’t said anything and it’s not like her not to be nosey. She’s like me in that sense.
“Did you manage to sleep without me?” He asked cheekily.
“Yes! Was brilliant not having to share a bed!” I said. He looked oddly hurt. “I’m joking. It took me ages to get to sleep. I was cold and the bed felt empty. Yes, I’m sad!”
He smiled. “I was the same. We can be sad people together.”
I grinned. “What bus is it we get to the hospital?”
“The 11” Zak said, quickly. Forgot he used to get this bus most days to come see me. Didn’t even give it much thought. Now he’s coming back with me yet again.
“I love you, you know that right?” I said, squeezing his hand.
“Because I know buses?” Zak asked confused.
“No.” I said bluntly. “I was just thinking how you’re thee best!”
“No. You’re the best” Zak laughed. “actually let’s not get into this when people can hear us”
“Yeah. We’re meant to be grown-ups!”
“Grown-ups don’t say grown-ups” He said, as we reached the bus stop. Good point.
“Adults then.” I said, laughing at my childishness. So immature. I am most likely to be the youngest person in that waiting room today. Everyone else who gets this procedure done is most likely to be around 10 years older than me. My phoned beeped with text messages quite a few times in a row. It was strange. Zak looked at me questioning who the messages were from as I read through them.

Claire (9.55): Hope everything goes okay today Teacup!! Phone me later X
Aly (9.55): Love you millions my beautiful baby sister! I’ll phone you later! Xxxxxxxxxxxx

“Well Alyson’s being uncharacteristically far too nice to me.” I said. “She knows how to freak people out” I laughed, awkwardly before going back to read the other messages.

Adrian (9.55): Let me know how it goes today!
Neil (9.55): Hope it’s goes okay today wotsit!

So do I. “It’s just my family asking me to let them know how today goes” I said.
“That was nice of them?” Zak said, sounding as confused as I was that Aly and Ade had actually thought to text. My phone buzzed another time.

Archie (9.57): Hope it’s not too awkward getting a camera shoved up there!! I laughed aloud. Only Archie … at least he cares.

“Look!” I laughed, passing my phone to Zak.
“Only Arch …” I nodded in agreement and looked out for the bus.
“I feel surprisingly calm” I said aloud without really meaning to.
“Good” Zak replied, looking at his watch. “You just need to remember that whatever happens everything will be okay”
“Will it?” I asked, panicked.
“Yeah” He said, giving my hand a squeeze. For some reason, even though I didn’t exactly agree, I believed him.

“That’s great Miss Wilson” The receptionist said as I handed her back the forms. “Just take a seat and we’ll call you when we’re ready for you.”
“Thanks” I said as I walked over and sat on the free seat next to Zak. I looked around the waiting room at the wide variety of people; kids, pensioners, middle aged men and women. We were in the day surgery unit so people were here waiting for a whole lot of different things.
“What time is it?” I asked Zak quietly.
“5 to 11” Zak answered back. Not long now then. “Do you want me to come in while-“ He paused. “They’re doing stuff?”
I thought about it for a second before nodding. “Please” I whispered. I was very aware that the room was eerily silent. I didn’t want people listening in. Doubt they think I’m in here for practically a fertility check.
“Okay” He smiled reassuringly.
“Thank you for coming with me” I said.
“You don’t need to thank me!” Zak said, taking my hand and giving it a squeeze.
“It’s your last day off!” I sighed.
“And?” Zak asked. “In like 45 minutes we’ll be out of here and back home”
“Where I’ve to rest for the rest of the day” I sighed.
“Lying about watching the telly on the couch with my crazy girlfriend sounds like a brilliant day off to me”
I laughed. “Aw!” I said patronisingly. “Soppy monkey that you are” I laughed. “I can’t wait to eat!”
“What do you mean?”
“Well I got told I wasn’t allowed to eat for 12 hours before the surgery.” I sighed. “So no break-“
“Lorna Wilson?” The nurse announced to the room. I stood up slowly and Zak followed behind me. I feel SICK!
“Hello” The Nurse said as we made our way over to her. “How are you today?”
“I’m okay” I said quietly. “How are you?” I asked to be polite.
“Stressed!” She laughed. “It’s been a busy morning today”
I smiled back politely not really caring. “Dr Kelly is performing your hysteroscopy today. We’ll go into his office, discuss the procedure first and then you can go the bathroom to slip the gown on.”
I do not want to do this.

Zak and I had walked to the main doors of the hospital in silence, hand in hand. It was over. It wasn’t as terrible as I was imagining in the slightest. I was uncomfortable and I feel a little woozy but other than that I’m fine. “I know you’ve been trying to act like a big girl while you were in there with the doctors but they can’t hear you anymore?”
I started to well up and Zak put his arm around me and pulled me close.
“I just,” I paused. “I can’t believe it.”
The utter relief that was running through my system was indescribable.
“I didn’t expect them to say that.” I said, wiping my eye. “I don’t even think the doctors themselves thought they would.”
“Neither did I” Zak smiled, running his hand through my hair.
“I’m okay.” I said out loud as though admitting it to myself. “I’m okay.” I repeated to make myself believe it. “I can have babies!” I said, loudly. A small old lady wearing her hospital gown, sat in her wheelchair having a cigarette was giving me the oddest look. She didn’t get it. She didn’t understand. I mean most people wouldn’t. It’s such a simple thing that most women take for granted. I thought what Kyle had done had ruined my chances. I thought that with losing my baby I wouldn’t ever get the chance to have that life that I’d always planned for myself. Relief continued to flow my system. My sleepless nights, all the stress and the worry and I’m okay. I felt so silly stood here in Zak’s arms with tears flowing down my face but at the same time the biggest smile spread across it. Anyone would be think that I’d just found out the absolutely best news in the history of the world but to me this is. I couldn’t begin to count the amount of times I’d gone over and over the situation in my head. Zak let go of me and looked me right in the eyes and smiled. It made me even happier to know that he was happy too. The dream life that I keep thinking about, my idiotic football obsessed scouser is a massive part of that.
“There’s the taxi” Zak said, taking my hand and walking towards the black cab. Zak opened the door and gestured that I climbed in first. Great. Since he’s been listening to the doctors all morning I’m going to be monitored for the rest of the day! I could see him watching me as I sat down in the taxi. Typical Zak. We’d just heard absolutely fantastic news and he is still worrying. Zak slammed the door of the taxi behind him and sat down next to me.
“Do you want your phone?” Zak asked, practically reading my mind.
“Yeah!” I said rather too enthusiastically but I couldn’t wait to tell them all, Aly, Adrian, Claire, Neil, Archie, Kris … Gaby. I so badly wanted to call her right now and scream down the phone at her about how ridiculously excited I was but the likelihood is she wouldn’t even answer the call.

“So?” Archie said as we walked back into the flat. We had decided to go to halls rather than Zak’s flat. I wanted to tell everyone my good news! Archie, Kris, Gaby, Natalie, Rhys … Yeah right.
I gave Archie a huge banana smile.
Archie returned my smile before pulling Zak to the side and lifted his finger to Zak’s face. “You are ONLY 23, almost 24, years of age. Lorna is only 20. I know you claim you love her but do not end your life mate.” Archie said, reaching into his pocket. Still looking at Zak and I with an extremely serious look on his face. “Once a baby’s involved there is no way of escape! I mean look at Kris! You do not want to end up like that!”
I rolled my eyes in an over exaggerated fashion.
“Don’t be silly, wrap your willy” as he tossed a condom onto the table. Both Zak and I looked at him and laughed.
“Tha-“ Zak started, before …
“Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool!” He loudly announced, throwing yet another condom onto the table. Again, we laughed. I leaned forward and picked both of the small packages up off of the table.
“Tha-“ I began.
“If there’s gonna be affection, cover your erection!” Archie said, handing yet another condom to Zak. That one was clever.
I questioned how many of these phrases Archie was going to come out with but he didn’t answer. “Don’t be a ding-dong, cover your shling-shlong” He said sternly, handing Zak yet another condom. How is he managing to keep a straight face?! Shling-shlong?!
“Archie, we prom-“ Zak started to assure his friend that we would definitely not be having babies any time even though we can. I CAN! I smiled to myself yet again.
“Don’t be a wenis, protect your penis!”
“Where are you getting these?!” I laughed, picking the remaining condoms up of off the worktop.
“Make sure you put on a saddle before you ride her!” Archie said, pointing towards me.
“I AM NOT A HORSE!” I said, feigning that I was insulted.
Archie smirked, clearly proud of himself. “I think that’s me done.” He paused before turning to face me, “Even though I don’t think you should have children for AT LEAST 10 years-“ Archie grinned, looking at Zak for a second as though issuing a warning, “I’m glad things went okay today.”
“So am I” I beamed, giving Archie a hug. “You’ve clearly had a productive day, planning that.”
“Day?” Archie scoffed. “I came up with the idea half an hour ago when Zak texted.”
“You texted him?!” I said, making it clear I was annoyed. I wanted to tell people!
“He’d text several times while you were in.” Zak said.
“Aw! You care!” I said, looking to Archie and giving him a hug again.
“Your surprise hurts me.” Archie said. “So, what does your uterus look like?”
“Amazing!” I said, excitedly. Archie laughed to himself.
“Didn’t expect you to answer that.” He said as I pulled myself free of our hug and went over to the fridge to get a drink before Zak appeared at my side.
“SIT!”
“Woah, from a horse to a dog in the space of minutes! You two are charmers!” I laughed.
“What did the doctors say?” Zak asked me seriously. Oh here we go again.
I raised my eyes heavenward as though I was a child being giving into trouble for something pathetic. “That I should rest” I grudgingly admitted.
“Exactly” Zak said smuggling. “Sit!”
I barked like a dog – making Arch laugh - as I walked over and slowly sat down on the couch.
“There is no need for cheek!” Zak said, walking over with my juice and sitting it in on top of the coffee table.
“Right dad!” I sighed.
“Before you spank her, cover your wanker!” Archie burst, causing us to laugh again. Does that one even make sense?!
“What’s all the hilarity about?” Kris asked, walking up the corridor. “Oh! You’re back.” Kris paused clearly unsure of how to continue. Did he know I’d been at the hospital?
“I HAVE A WORKING REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM!” I shouted, standing up a little too quickly. I suddenly felt really nauseous but Kris distracted me.
“What?” Kris asked with a smile.
I smiled in return, steadying myself. “I got tests done this morning and I’m fine! My miracle insides have healed themselves when no one thought they would!” I laughed loudly.
“Someone’s really upbeat!” Kris said, clearly amused. “but anyway! Congratulations on your miracle insides”
I laughed. “Weird thing to say to someone!”
“And shouting, I have a working reproductive system isn’t?”
“Fair play” I agreed, sitting back down on the couch. Maybe Zak does have a point about the rest. I feel a little bit dizzy.
“Where is the evidence of your working reproductive system?” I asked Kris, realising again the horrible truth that I hadn’t had any contact with my lovely little Alicia or her mother in days.
Kris gave me a questioning look. “Huh?”
“Alicia?” Archie asked. I nodded. It was then Zak sat down next to me on the couch. He’d been rather quiet since we got back.
Kris had started messing about in the kitchen. It’s probably about lunchtime. I guess. “Well I’m hoping she’s with her mother. Does anyone else want anything for lunch?”
All 3 of us said no in our own individual ways and Kris continued making his own.
“Haven’t you spoken to her today?” I asked, finding it odd. Everyone makes a fool of me for spending all my time at Zak’s when really Kris spends all his time at Gaby’s but because they’ve got a baby that’s okay apparently!
“Considering she’s not even 6 months old and can’t speak yet, I’m going to say no.” came Kris’ replying as he closed the fridge door.
“Well duh. I meant Gabs”
“No, not since 4 this morning when she woke me up.” Kris sighed. Clearly hadn’t managed to get back to sleep after that then.
“Wait, so where have you been all morning?” Archie asked. Ooh, the plot thickens.
“The gym” Kris said. Wasn’t the answer I was expecting.
“Oh.” Archie said. “Fit birds?”
“Fat sweaty ones rather than fit ones, Arch”
Archie shrugged, “They’re usually easier to get into bed.”
“ARCHIE!” I said, lifting my hand to give him a hard slap before changing my mind.
“I’m going to go to bed.” I said. “Wanna come?” I asked Zak suggestively. Even though I only wanted him to give me a cuddle till I fell asleep.
“Make sure you secure the lid!” Archie winked.
“Oh for god sakes Archie.” I said – Zak and Kris both laughed, - as I slowly strolled through into my room with Zak following behind me.


“As if?!” I laughed, aloud despite the fact I was in my room alone. I was looking at the time on my phone. 13.23pm?! Seriously?! That means I’ve slept for what?! 18 hours or something ridiculous like that. I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever had that long of an uninterrupted sleep – not including my coma but that doesn’t count! – in my entire life. I noticed I had a few messages. I read the ones from Zak first:

Zak (12.04)
I’m on my way to work and you are STILL asleep.

Completely forgot he was going back to work today. Oops.

Zak (12.27)
Text me when you’re up! You’ve been asleep for like 18 hours now!! I hope you’re dead.

Always nice when you wake up to texts from your boyfriend, wishing you to be dead …

Zak (12.27)
I don’t hope you’re dead. I changed what I was gonna say and missed out the not! Ha! Honestly! Xxx

I smiled and began texting him back when my bedroom door opened. Archie was stood in my doorway looking at me.
“You are awake!” Archie said coming in and sitting on the edge of my bed. He took his phone out and started typing. “Zak just text and said I’d to check you hadn’t gone into a coma or something”
I laughed. “I’m perfectly fine!” I beamed. I genuinely feel amazing after that sleep.
“Good!” He said, putting his phone back into his pocket. “I’m going out!”
“Where to?” I asked, nosiness overcoming me.
“Just out” he said, standing up again.
“Archie” I said with a stern tone.
He smiled. “You’re not my mother. But since it’s you and you won’t give up I’m meeting up with Carly”
“Oh! New Years girl!” I said excitedly.
“Yes” He said. “I said I’d pick her up at half 1”
“Pick her up?” I laughed. “She lives along the corridor”
“You know what I mean” He said.
“Well, I hope you have a nice time” I said, sitting up and pushing my legs out of bed. I stood up and started fishing about in my wardrobe.
“What are you going to do?” He asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked as I tossed my favourite jeans onto my bed.
“Zak’s at work” He said, matter of factly.
“I am perfectly capable of being on my own!” I said, rolling my eyes. “I might go shopping for his birthday actually. See what I can get in the sales. I need an outfit for his cousins wedding as well, actually!” I explained, hyperly.
“Shouldn’t you just have a DVD day or something? After yesterday”
“I’m FINE! Honestly!” I promised. I do feel fine. I feel so much better today than I have done in ages.
“Okay, just don’t die or Zak will hold me responsible.” He said. “I’ll see you later”
“Have a nice time! Hope she lives up to your extremely high expectations!” I laughed as he left my room. I opened up my drawers and pulled out some underwear and jumped when I saw Archie back at my door.
“You don’t half scare people”
“Who’s going to the shops with you?”
“No one?” I said, realising it myself that I genuinely didn’t have anyone to go with. I was quiet for a bit, getting sad at the realisation I didn’t have a girl friend to come shopping with me. “Seriously?! Does everyone think I’m incapable of looking after myself!” I laughed.
“Yes.” He said seriously causing me to give him a dirty look. He was joking though, I think.
“Right, seriously don’t die” He laughed.
“Bye!!” I said loudly.
“See yha!” He said, this time walking up the corridor for good. I heard the front door to the flat close.

I could ask Natalie to come with me.
No.
It’s too messy. I don’t want Gaby to think that I agreed with their seedy affair, even though she already does. I was sat on my bed, completely ready. There was a bus into Chester in half an hour so I had a few minutes before I needed to leave.
Is Natalie even in?
Is Kris in? I didn’t even know. I hadn’t really left my room. Well except to shower. I could hear people talking loudly in the sitting room. I couldn’t work out who it was or what they were saying. I wanted to look but at the same time I didn’t. Staying at Zak’s all the time made Rhys and Natalie easily avoidable. Well until you bump into him outside the SU and he pounds on Zak for no valid reason but, I hadn’t seen Rhys since and I didn’t know that I would be able to control my temper. I stood up off of my bed and opened my door just a crack, slowly so that it wouldn’t make any noise.
“Kris, I NEED you to do this for me!” I heard Gaby beg. Do what?
I heard Kris sigh, “Gaby, I have plans!”
“What could be more important than spending time with Alicia?!” She said.
“Said the girl desperate to get rid of her for the afternoon.”
“I am not!” Gaby said defensively. “Is anyone else in?” She asked, awkwardly.
“Just Lorna.”
“She’s here?” Gaby asked, sounding disgusted at the sound of me.
“Zak’s back at work. I think she may still be asleep though after yesterday.”
“Yesterday?”
“She was at the hospital, getting tests.” Kris explained. “She went to sleep before dinner last night and slept right through, which freaked Zak out because she’s the girl who never sleeps.”
“Oh” Gaby said, indifferent. Funny how one of the people I was desperate to tell yesterday doesn’t even seem bothered. My fault though I suppose. “Kris, please” Gaby said, going back to begging.
“I’ll take her” I said, walking up the corridor.
“Oh! You’re up!” Kris said. I reached Alicia’s pram and bend down in front of it.
“Hello my little duck!” I began unstrapping her out of the pram as she waved her arms excitedly. “Yes, I am up!” I said to Kris. “Was just going to go into Chester for some shopping, Alicia can come with me!”
“Are you well -“
“Yes Kris. As I have already told both Archie and Zak, I AM PERFECTLY FINE!” I said. “And I would love to spend time with this cutie while you two go do” I paused, not having heard that point of the conversation. “what you need to do!”
“No.” Gaby stated. Well that stung.
“What?” Kris asked, as I bounced Alicia in my arm and she squealed, making me feel loved. At least someone’s happy to see me.
“She’s not looking after her.”
“Who’s she?” I bit back. Well, Gaby’s hate toward me, clearly hasn’t faltered.
“Kris, I’m telling you. I’ll take her but she’s not spending her day with … her!”
“Gaby, I have a name.” I said, annoyed at her immaturity but she didn’t even acknowledge I had said anything.
“Kris!” Gaby said, with a warning tone. I don’t want to cause them to have a fight.
“You are being absolutely pathetic! First you come and demand that I change my plans just so you can go out then when Lorna offers to help out you freak out! She’s perfectly capable of looking after her!” Kris said, staring at Alicia. “And look at how much Alicia loves her Auntie Lorna!” He said, sounding as if he was speaking to Alicia, I looked down at her and her smile was actually as wide as her cute chubby cheeks. Awwwwwwwww!
Silence, a really unpleasant one
“Fine.” Gaby stated before turning and slamming the door behind her.
“Thanks Lorna for looking after Alicia so I can go out, I really appreciate it … Oh no problem Gabs!” I said, in a ridiculous tone.
“She didn’t even say bye to Alicia” Kris said, sounding almost hurt. Neither she did.
“When are you leaving?” I asked.
Kris looked at his watch. “About half an hour. When did you want to go?”
“I was going to go for the bus in 5?” I said checking he didn’t want to spend time with Alicia.
“Okay. When will you be back?”
“Not late” I said. “Don’t know how I’m meant to get this one back to her mummy when she refuses to acknowledge I exist. I understand I hurt her but does she need to be like that?!”
“No.” He said, making it clear he was saying nothing else. “Bye bye” Kris said, taking Alicia from my arms and giving her a quick cuddle before putting her in her buggy. “Thank you” Kris said seeming grateful.
“It’s honestly no problem” I smiled. “Get to spend time with my new best friend! If her mother won’t speak to me I might as well trade her in for the younger model”
“Just need to get my jacket and my bag and then we can go” I said, running through to my room and back again in seconds.
“Come on then chicken” I said, taking the handles of Alicia’s pram. “Say bye bye to Daddy” I said as Kris stood in the kitchen waving. Where is he going?!